1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 2, Episode 6 - Gratefully Dead - full transcript
male announcer: IF YOU FIND
YOURSELF ON THIS SHOW, RUN.
- HEY!
announcer:
OR ELSE YOU MIGHT WIND UP
LIKE THE GUY WHO TOOK
HIS OWN TEMPERATURE
OR THE PURSE SNATCHER
WHO TOOK THE FALL.
HOW ABOUT THE MUSCLE HEAD
WHO NEEDED A LIFT?
AND THE CUTE GOTH CHICK
WHO'S ONLY SIN WAS SHOPPING?
- THE MALL IS THE DEVIL'S
PLAYGROUND!
male announcer:
THERE'S THE SEX ADDICT
WHO WAS WAY TOO SMOKIN',
A BUNGEE JUMPER WHO TOOK
A DIVE...
[bones breaking]
AN IDIOT WHO SHOULD'VE STAYED
IN BED,
AND A COW LOVER
WHO GOT MILKED.
[cow moos]
NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE
ON THIS NEXT EPISODE
OF 1000 WAYS TO DIE.
[rock music]
DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.
MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.
OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT
OF ITS WAY.
EVERY DAY WE FIGHT
A NEW WAR AGAINST GERMS...
TOXINS...
INJURY...
ILLNESS, AND CATASTROPHE.
THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS
TO WIND UP DEAD.
THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL
IS A MIRACLE...
BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...
WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.
*
CARL DUNBAR HAD A SECRET.
- WELL, MR. DUNBAR,
WHAT WAS IT THIS TIME?
- [whimpers]
- SHAMPOO BOTTLE.
- I SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER.
announcer: CARL WAS ONE
OF THOSE FREAKS
WHO COULDN'T STOP
STICKING THINGS
WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE.
- THE RECTUM
IS KIND OF TORTUOUS.
SO IF YOU LOSE SOMETHING
UP THERE,
IT'S GONNA BE AROUND
A BLIND CORNER.
WITH A VALVE IN FRONT OF IT,
MAY BE VERY DIFFICULT FOR YOU
TO DIG OUT ON YOUR OWN.
THE OBJECT FORMS A SEAL
WITH THAT SOFT, MOIST MUCOSA
OF THE RECTUM.
AND NO AIR CAN GET IN.
SO IT'S LIKE, UH,
TRYING TO PULL A CORK
OUT OF A BOTTLE.
- THIS IS THE THIRD TIME
IN FIVE MONTHS
THAT YOU SLIPPED
IN THE SHOWER.
- [whimpers] I'M SORRY.
- LET ME TAKE A LOOK.
announcer:
CARL WAS HARDLY THE FIRST
TO BECOME ADDICTED
TO BUTT BOINKING.
EMERGENCY ROOMS SEE CASES
LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME.
- SOME OF THE THINGS
THAT I'VE SEEN IN THERE,
CARROTS, A SNOW GLOBE,
WHICH WAS SQUARE,
A LIGHT BULB, FLASHLIGHT,
REMOTE CONTROL FOR A TV.
I'VE SEEN A METAL SPRING
FROM A GARAGE DOOR.
I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY GOT
THAT DOWN.
announcer: EVEN WHILE RECOVERING
FROM HIS LATEST ANAL ESCAPADE,
CARL WAS DESPERATE
FOR MORE PROBING.
A SINGLE THERMOMETER WOULDN'T
DO MUCH FOR CARL'S CRATER,
BUT NINE OF THEM TAPED TOGETHER
MIGHT BE THE PERFECT FIT
FOR CARL'S BAD CAVERN.
HE TOOK THE PLUNGE
WITH HIS MAKESHIFT MASHER.
NINE THERMOMETERS
GOING IN AND OUT HIS KEISTER
WAS MAKING CARL
PERFECTLY ASS-IN-NINE.
AND THEN THE DOCTOR CAME IN.
[door opens]
[thermometers shatter]
THERE'S SOMETHING YOU DON'T
HEAR EVERY DAY,
NINE THERMOMETERS
BREAKING DEEP
UP SOMEONE'S ANAL CANAL.
- WHAT'S WRONG?
- [whimpering]
- YOU OKAY?
ARE YOU-- ARE YOU IN PAIN?
TELL ME.
- [whimpering]
- OH, MY GOD.
announcer: CARL REALLY
SCREWED HIMSELF.
THE THERMOMETERS SHATTERED,
SLICING THROUGH LARGE VEINS
IN HIS COLON.
TO MAKE THINGS WORSE,
TOXIC MERCURY BEGAN SEEPING
INTO CARL'S BLOODSTREAM.
- MERCURY IS A HEAVY METAL.
EXTREMELY TOXIC.
IT CAN AFFECT
A VARIETY OF THINGS.
IT CAN INHIBIT
ENZYMATIC PATHWAYS,
RESULTING IN BRAIN DAMAGE,
LIVER DAMAGE, RENAL FAILURE.
- [crying]
announcer: CARL GAME HIMSELF
THE ULTIMATE DOUBLE WHAMMY:
INTERNAL BLEEDING
AND TOXIC SHOCK.
DID HE DIE?
HE REALLY WRECKED-'IM-SELF.
YOU CAN TAKE A STRIPPER
OFF THE POLE,
BUT THEY STILL DRESS
LIKE SLUTS.
TAKE SYLVIA HERE.
SHE WORKED THE STRIP CLUBS
LONG AND HARD
UNTIL SHE FOUND
HER SUGAR DADDY.
NOW SHE ENJOYED
SPENDING HIS MONEY
AND TURNING HEADS
IN HER SLEEPY DALLAS SUBURB.
ONE OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD LOCALS
WAS MIKEY,
A PSYCHOPATHIC THIEF.
ONE DAY WHILE SYLVIA
WAS STRUTTING
HER STILL SIZZLING STUFF,
MIKEY SPOTTED
THE EX-EXOTIC DANCER.
HE LIKED THE LOOKS
OF HER PURSE.
- MOST STREET THUGS
THAT TAKE A WOMAN'S PURSE
GET AWAY WITH IT IF THERE'S
NO ONE AROUND TO SEE THEM.
- NO! NO! DROP IT!
UGH! SON OF A...!
announcer: SEEING WHAT HAPPENED,
A NEIGHBOR RAN AFTER THE THIEF.
- HEY, YOU, STOP!
announcer: MIKEY TRIED
TO AVOID HIM,
BUT HIS FRONT WHEEL
CAUGHT A FLAGSTONE
AT THE END OF A DRIVEWAY.
HIS BIKE STOPPED,
BUT MIKEY KEPT GOING.
- [groans]
[gargles]
announcer: THE SCREWDRIVER
MIKEY USED TO THREATEN SYLVIA
SUDDENLY TURNED ON HIM
AND PUNCTURED HIS HEART.
[screwdriver
piercing flesh]
- WHETHER THE ASSAILANT USES
AN ICE PICK, A SCREWDRIVER,
OR A BLADE,
YOU ARE MOST LIKELY TO DIE
IF A THIN-WALLED STRUCTURE
SUCH AS THE LEFT OR RIGHT
ATRIUM,
THE AORTA,
OR THE PULMONARY ARTERY ARE CUT.
THEY BLEED AROUND THE HEART
INTO THE SAC THAT COVERS
THE HEART CALLED THE PERICARDIUM
AND THEY DIE OF A CONDITION
CALLED PERICARDIAL TAMPONADE.
announcer: MIKEY LEARNED
THE HARD WAY
SNATCHING A PURSE
FROM AN EX-STRIPPER
IS RISKY BUSINESS.
YOU JUST MIGHT GET SCREWED.
- AH! AH!
announcer: COMING UP,
A BIG APE TRIES TO DEAD LIFT
AND A GOTH GETS BEDEVILED.
- SATAN BE GONE!
- AH! AH!
announcer:
PETE WAS A WORKOUT WARRIOR.
- YAH!
announcer:
ALL HIS FREE TIME
AND EVERY PENNY HE EARNED
AT HIS CONSTRUCTION JOB
WAS INVESTED
IN HIS PHYSIQUE.
- AH!
announcer: HE POUNDED
THE HEAVY BAG,
SHADOWBOXED,
AND DID EVERYTHING HE COULD
TO PUFF UP HIS PECS.
- AH! AH!
- THE EXERCISE GIVES YOU A SENSE
OF WELL-BEING
AND-- AND FEELING GREAT.
AND SO WHAT THEY DO IS THEY
START DOING A LITTLE MORE,
A LITTLE MORE.
AND REALLY BASICALLY
WHAT THEY'RE DOING
IS THEY'RE JUST REPLACING THAT
AS AN ADDICTION FOR DRINKING
OR DRUGS 'CAUSE THEY GET
THAT SAME EUPHORIC FEELING
FROM THE WORKOUT.
- AAH!
announcer: BUT PETE ENJOYED
DRINKING AS WELL.
HE AND HIS WORKOUT PARTNER
WOULD POUND DOWN SHOTS
OF TEQUILA AND PLAY
THE DEAD WEIGHT CHALLENGE.
- LET'S GO!
[shot glasses shatter]
announcer:
PETE AND HIS BUDDY HANK
TESTED THEIR MANHOOD
ON VARIOUS PIECES
PETE COLLECTED
FROM CONSTRUCTION SITES.
[laughing manically]
- IF YOU'RE DRINKING
AND YOU START LIFTING WEIGHTS,
THE FIRST TENDENCY
YOU WOULD HAVE
IS TO THINK "OH, I CAN REALLY
PUMP A LOT OF WEIGHTS.
I CAN DO, UH, FASTER,
STRONGER."
- YOU AIN'T GOT IT.
- THE MUSCLES-- FIRST,
THEY CAN PUMP REAL HARD.
SO THEY'LL OVERDO IT.
AND THEY'VE ALREADY GONE
BEYOND WHERE THEY SHOULD GO.
AND THEN ALL OF THE SUDDEN,
THE MUSCLES JUST GIVE OUT
RIGHT AWAY.
announcer: BUT NOTHING
WAS TOO HEAVY
FOR THESE MUSCLE HEADS.
- SEE?
- WATCH THIS. WATCH THIS. WATCH.
announcer: PETE LIKED TO CALL
THE 350-POUND PIECE OF I-BEAM
"THE CRUSHER."
- YEAH, WHATEVER, MAN.
- [grunts]
announcer:
UNFORTUNATELY, THE CRUSHER
CRUSHED PETE'S WINDPIPE.
- MOST LIKELY,
THIS INDIVIDUAL DIED
FROM TRACHEAL OBSTRUCTION.
FROM A CRUSHED LARYNX
OR TRACHEA.
ONCE THOSE ARE CRUSHED,
IT'S VERY DIFFICULT
TO OPEN THOSE BACK UP.
SO THIS PERSON MOST LIKELY
SUFFOCATED.
announcer:
PETE'S PECS HAD PUMPED
THEIR LAST PIECE OF IRON.
HERE'S SOMETHING YOU DON'T
SEE EVERY DAY.
- OH, IT'S COMING!
announcer: A 17-YEAR-OLD GIRL
STAKED TO A PENTAGRAM
IN HER OWN BACKYARD.
- SATAN BE GONE.
EVIL AWAY.
announcer: STACEY'S
BEEN A FOSTER CHILD
HER WHOLE LIFE.
BUT HER LATEST CARETAKERS,
ROMAN AND MINNIE,
TAKE THE CAKE.
THEY ARE TOTAL
RELIGIOUS FREAKS
WHO ONLY TOOK HER IN
FOR THE TAX BENEFITS.
NOW THEY'VE DECIDED
STACEY'S PIERCINGS, TATTOOS,
AND OVERALL GOTH APPEARANCE
ARE SURE SIGNS
SHE'S POSSESSED
BY THE DEVIL.
THEY DIDN'T APPROVE OF HER GOTH
BOYFRIEND EITHER.
SO THEY GATHERED THEIR CULT
MEMBER FRIENDS
FOR A RITUAL EXORCISM,
HENCE THE PENTAGRAM.
- SATAN BE GONE!
announcer: STACEY'S DECIDED
IT'S EASER TO GO ALONG
WITH THIS FIASCO
RATHER THAN PUT UP A FIGHT.
THAT WAY SHE'LL GET OUT
IN TIME TO MAKE HER DATE.
- I WANT TO GO
TO THE MALL NOW.
- MALL IS THE DEVIL'S
PLAYGROUND.
all: THE MALL IS THE DEVIL'S
PLAYGROUND.
- THE MALL IS THE DEVIL'S
PLAYGROUND!
- THERE ARE MANY RITUALS
TO TRY TO EXORCISE
OR PURIFY AN INDIVIDUAL THOUGHT
TO BE POSSESSED BY DEMONS.
AND, OF COURSE,
THIS CAN MEAN GREAT PAIN
FOR THE INDIVIDUAL INVOLVED.
AND IF THEY'RE NOT REALLY
POSSESSED,
IT WOULD BE A FUTILE EFFORT
TO TRY TO CLEANSE THEM.
- SATAN BE GONE!
- EVIL AWAY!
announcer:
AS PART OF THE EXORCISM,
THE CULTISTS BURNED
A LOT OF COAL AND INCENSE
INSIDE A TENT
WITH NO VENTILATION.
BAD IDEA.
THE INCENSE WAS RELEASING
THE TOXIC CHEMICAL BENZOPYRENE.
COAL, AS WE ALL KNOW,
GIVES OFF DEADLY
CARBON MONOXIDE.
THE COMBINATION
OF THE TWO GASES
WAS MAKING THEM LIGHT-HEADED,
UNABLE TO THINK RATIONALLY.
THEY SHOULD'VE CRAWLED
OUT OF THE TENT.
INSTEAD, THEY STAYED INSIDE
AND SUCCUMBED TO THE LACK
OF OXYGEN.
- CARBON MONOXIDE IS A GAS.
AND WHEN THE BODY
BREATHES IT IN,
IT BINDS
TO THE MAJOR MOLECULE
THAT CARRIES OXYGEN
TO THE BODY
AND BLOCKS IT
FROM CARRYING OXYGEN.
SO THE BODY ESSENTIALLY
ASPHYXIATES.
IT'S ONLY A MATTER
OF MINUTES
BEFORE YOUR BRIAN
IS GOING TO EXPERIENCE
NEAR-LETHAL LEVELS
OF LOW OXYGEN.
- [coughing]
- [coughing]
- GUYS. HELLO.
OH, MY GOD.
announcer:
STACEY CAUGHT A BREAK.
THERE WAS A LAYER OF FRESH AIR
LOW TO THE GROUND.
WHILE EVERYONE ELSE
STRUGGLED TO BREATHE,
SHE MANAGED TO UNTIE HERSELF
AND ESCAPE.
IN THEIR ATTEMPT TO KILL
THE DEVIL INSIDE STACEY...
- SEE YA LATER, FREAKS!
announcer: THEY WOUND UP
KILLING THEMSELVES.
UP NEXT, A LOVER'S RELATIONSHIP
GETS A LITTLE PATCHY
AND FOUR TIMES STUPID
EQUALS TWO TIMES DEAD.
announcer: MINDY WAS A LOT
LIKE A GUY.
SHE'D MUCH RATHER GET IT ON
THAN WASTE TIME WITH FEELINGS.
HER BOYFRIEND LEX
WAS THE PERFECT MATCH SEXUALLY.
HE LIKED TO FEED HER ADDICTION
ALL DAY LONG.
- A PERSON WHO IS A SEX ADDICT
ISN'T ONLY ADDICTED
TO THE ACT ITSELF.
THEY'RE ADDICTED
TO THE EXPERIENCE
AND THE PLEASURE
THAT'S COMING FROM THEIR BRAIN.
AND IT'S SOMETHING THAT YOU FEEL
LIKE YOU CAN CONTROL.
LIKE, YOU CAN GO OUT
AND GET MORE OF THAT.
AND THAT'S WHAT OFTEN LEADS
TO SEX ADDICTION.
announcer: LEX LOVED ONE
OF MINDY'S ADDICTIONS,
BUT NOT THE OTHER.
- YOU'RE SERIOUSLY GONNA
SMOKE NOW.
announcer: IN FACT,
HE HATED CIGARETTES
AND HAD REACHED A POINT
WHERE THE STROKIN' AND POKIN'
WAS NO LONGER WORTH
THE SMOKIN'.
- HERE'S THE DEAL, IF YOU'RE
GONNA CONTINUE SMOKING,
NO MORE SEX FOR YOU.
announcer:
IT WAS A NO-BRAINER.
MINDY LIKED SMOKING,
BUT SHE LOVED SEX.
- THERE IS SO MUCH POTENTIAL
FEAR AND AGITATION
ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE
OF WITHDRAWING FROM NICOTINE
THAT IT COULD DRIVE A PERSON
TO WANT TO DO SOMETHING
IRRATIONAL.
announcer: MINDY DIDN'T WANT
TO LOSE OUT
ON ONE DAY OF LEX'S BONING.
BUT IF SHE WAS GOING
TO STOP SMOKING,
SHE WANTED TO GET IT
OVER WITH.
TO THAT END, SHE PUT A MONTH'S
WORTH OF NICOTINE PATCHES
ON HER BODY
TO QUIT ONCE AND FOR ALL,
OVERNIGHT.
- WHEN YOU'RE GIVING YOURSELF
THAT HUGE OF A DOSE
OF NICOTINE, UH,
YOU ARE ACTUALLY GOING
TO OVERSTIMULATE
YOUR NEURAL SYSTEM.
THIS INCREASED AMOUNT
OF DOPAMINE
COULD RESULT
IN HALLUCINATIONS.
announcer:
MINDY'S HALLUCINATIONS
ONLY GOT WORSE
AS HER PLEASURE CENTERS
WERE OVERLOADED
WITH NICOTINE.
- THAT'S GOING TO CAUSE
A STIMULATORY RESPONSE,
UM, ON YOUR HEART.
BECAUSE IT'S OVERWORKING,
YOUR HEART CAN FAIL.
announcer: MINDY THOUGHT
THAT YOU COULD KICK AN ADDICTION
WITH A PATCH JOB.
INSTEAD, SHE WOUND UP
SMOKING HERSELF.
THE FOLLOWING TALE
INVOLVES TWO PAIRS OF FRIENDS
SEPARATED
BY THOUSANDS OF MILES,
IGNORANT OF EACH OTHER'S
EXISTENCE,
BUT UNITED
IN THEIR COMMON PURSUIT
OF ALL THINGS STUPID.
- I HAVE AN IDEA.
BUNGEE JUMPING.
- LET'S GET IT DONE.
- ALL RIGHT.
- WE SHOULD INVENT OUR OWN
EXTREME SPORT.
LIKE AN X-SPORT.
- RIGHT?
- YEAH!
announcer: ALL FOUR ARE INSPIRED
ONLY AFTER DRINKING
WAY TOO MANY BEERS.
A WARNING TO ALL
WHO ARE WATCHING THIS.
THOSE ARE NOT GOOD IDEAS
AT THE BOTTOMS
OF YOUR BEER CANS.
IT'S JUST SALIVA.
- GONNA DO IT, BUDDY.
- YOU'RE DOING IT.
announcer: TEAM NUMBER ONE
IS THINKING BUNGEE JUMPING
OFF A CHERRY PICKER
IS A GOOD WAY
TO KILL AN AFTERNOON.
- I CAN DO IT.
announcer: TEAM NUMBER TWO
HOPES SOMETHING THEY CALL
"MATTRESS SURFING"
WILL REWARD THEM
WITH FAME AND RICHES.
BOTH IDEAS
INVOLVE EXTREME STUNTS.
- DO IT!
announcer: AND BOTH
ARE EXTREMELY ILL-ADVISED.
- WHOO!
- WHOO-OOH!
- SURFING THE WIND, DUDE!
- HOO-HOO-HOO!
SURFING!
- COME ON.
announcer: THE DRUNKER
OF THE TWO BUNGEE JUMPERS
GETS INTO POSITION
65 FEET OFF THE GROUND.
- JUMP!
announcer: AND DROPS
LIKE A SACK OF HAMMERS.
THE DUMBER OF THE TWO
MATTRESS SURFERS
HANGS TEN AND THEN STARTS
TO WIPE OUT.
DRUNK BUNGEE MAN GOES SPLAT.
[splats]
HE MEASURED THE CORD WRONG.
DRUNK MATTRESS MAN DISCOVERS
A LITTLE TOO LATE...
THE GROUND IS HARD.
BOTH WERE NUTLESS MONKEYS.
BOTH WERE TOO DRUNK TO THINK.
AND BOTH WOUND UP BREAKING
EVERY BONE...
[bones breaking]
IN THEIR BODIES.
- IF YOU THINK ABOUT HOW
PEOPLE GET HURT,
HOW THEY BECOME
TRAUMA PATIENTS,
GUNSHOT WOUNDS,
STAB WOUNDS,
HIGH LEVEL FALLS,
MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENTS,
CAR ACCIDENTS,
18 TO 35-YEAR-OLD MALES
ARE THE MOST COMMON PATIENTS
AND THEY'RE OFTEN DRUNK.
announcer: IS THERE A LESSON
TO BE LEARNED
AMIDST THIS PARALLEL CARNAGE?
- YEAH!
announcer: IF YOU'RE DRUNK,
THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO
IS FALL RIGHT INTO BED.
JUST MAKE SURE THE FALL
ISN'T TOO HIGH...
[bones breaking]
AND THE BED ISN'T GOING
60 MILES AN HOUR.
COMING UP...
[cow moos]
HOLY COW,
THIS GUY'S A FREAK.
announcer: WE CAN START THIS
STORY BY STATING THE OBVIOUS--
NOBODY'S PERFECT.
THE GUY CREEPING AROUND
THE BARNYARD
IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE.
BERNARD HAD AN UNNATURAL
OBSESSION.
AN UNCONTROLLABLE COMPULSION.
AN OVERWHELMING DESIRE...
FOR MILK.
[cow moos]
- YES.
[cow moos]
announcer: BUT HE DIDN'T
PURCHASE IT
FROM THE GROCERY STORE.
- HELLO, BEAUTIFUL.
announcer:
AND HE DIDN'T DRINK IT
OUT OF A CARTON.
HE WAS DRIVEN TO GO
DIRECTLY TO THE SOURCE.
IN BERNARD'S CASE,
THE HEALTHY WHITE ELIXIR
WAS RICH IN VITAMIN D.
AS IN D-RANGED.
HOW TO EXPLAIN BERNARD'S
INSATIABLE BOVINE THIRST?
- MM. [slurping]
AH, NECTAR OF THE GODS!
announcer: COULD IT BE
HE WASN'T BREAST-FED
AS A BABY?
[baby crying]
MAYBE HE WAS A COW
IN A PAST LIFE.
[cow moos]
MORE LIKELY, IT WAS THE FACT
THAT HE WAS HAUNTED
BY THE MEMORY OF HIS TWISTED
UNCLE TIM
WHO TORMENTED HIM
WHILE WEARING A COW SUITE.
- AH!
[rooster crows]
- IT SOUNDS LIKE HE HAD
A VERY SADISTIC UNCLE,
UM, WHO, YOU KNOW,
PLAYED THESE GAMES WITH HIM
WHILE THE UNCLE
WAS IN A COW SUIT.
SO HE PUT TOGETHER
THAT HIS SEXUAL AROUSAL PATTERN
WAS ABOUT BEING HUMILIATED...
- MOO. [laughs]
- AND BEING HUMILIATED
BY AN ANIMAL.
IN THIS CASE, A COW.
announcer:
ON THIS PARTICULAR TRIP
TO THE DAIRY QUEEN,
BERNARD GOT MILK
AND THEN SOME.
COW MILK IS REALLY GOOD
FOR BABY COWS.
NOT WEIRDOS LOOKING
FOR LACTOSE INJECTION.
HE CLAMPED DOWN
A LITTLE TOO HARD ON A TEAT
AND THE COW WENT TIT FOR TAT.
AND THAT WAS THAT.
- WHEN SOMEONE'S EXPOSED
TO THIS BLUNT TRAUMA
OR BLAST WAVE,
THE BRAIN IS ACTUALLY PUSHED
AGAINST THE SKULL.
AND THE BRAIN,
WHICH IS A VERY SOFT TISSUE
WILL COMPRESS AND BE DAMAGED
AGAINST THAT.
IF ENOUGH OF THAT DAMAGE OCCURS,
A PERSON CAN DIE FROM THAT.
[cow moos]
announcer:
MILK IS GOOD FOR YOU.
BUT TOO MUCH GOOD
CAN BE BAD.
A LESSON BERNARD LEARNED
THE HARD WAY
WHEN THINGS TURNED SOUR.
GOT DEATH?
[rock music]
*
- * IT'S ORIGINAL
YOURSELF ON THIS SHOW, RUN.
- HEY!
announcer:
OR ELSE YOU MIGHT WIND UP
LIKE THE GUY WHO TOOK
HIS OWN TEMPERATURE
OR THE PURSE SNATCHER
WHO TOOK THE FALL.
HOW ABOUT THE MUSCLE HEAD
WHO NEEDED A LIFT?
AND THE CUTE GOTH CHICK
WHO'S ONLY SIN WAS SHOPPING?
- THE MALL IS THE DEVIL'S
PLAYGROUND!
male announcer:
THERE'S THE SEX ADDICT
WHO WAS WAY TOO SMOKIN',
A BUNGEE JUMPER WHO TOOK
A DIVE...
[bones breaking]
AN IDIOT WHO SHOULD'VE STAYED
IN BED,
AND A COW LOVER
WHO GOT MILKED.
[cow moos]
NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE
ON THIS NEXT EPISODE
OF 1000 WAYS TO DIE.
[rock music]
DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.
MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.
OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT
OF ITS WAY.
EVERY DAY WE FIGHT
A NEW WAR AGAINST GERMS...
TOXINS...
INJURY...
ILLNESS, AND CATASTROPHE.
THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS
TO WIND UP DEAD.
THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL
IS A MIRACLE...
BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...
WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.
*
CARL DUNBAR HAD A SECRET.
- WELL, MR. DUNBAR,
WHAT WAS IT THIS TIME?
- [whimpers]
- SHAMPOO BOTTLE.
- I SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER.
announcer: CARL WAS ONE
OF THOSE FREAKS
WHO COULDN'T STOP
STICKING THINGS
WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE.
- THE RECTUM
IS KIND OF TORTUOUS.
SO IF YOU LOSE SOMETHING
UP THERE,
IT'S GONNA BE AROUND
A BLIND CORNER.
WITH A VALVE IN FRONT OF IT,
MAY BE VERY DIFFICULT FOR YOU
TO DIG OUT ON YOUR OWN.
THE OBJECT FORMS A SEAL
WITH THAT SOFT, MOIST MUCOSA
OF THE RECTUM.
AND NO AIR CAN GET IN.
SO IT'S LIKE, UH,
TRYING TO PULL A CORK
OUT OF A BOTTLE.
- THIS IS THE THIRD TIME
IN FIVE MONTHS
THAT YOU SLIPPED
IN THE SHOWER.
- [whimpers] I'M SORRY.
- LET ME TAKE A LOOK.
announcer:
CARL WAS HARDLY THE FIRST
TO BECOME ADDICTED
TO BUTT BOINKING.
EMERGENCY ROOMS SEE CASES
LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME.
- SOME OF THE THINGS
THAT I'VE SEEN IN THERE,
CARROTS, A SNOW GLOBE,
WHICH WAS SQUARE,
A LIGHT BULB, FLASHLIGHT,
REMOTE CONTROL FOR A TV.
I'VE SEEN A METAL SPRING
FROM A GARAGE DOOR.
I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY GOT
THAT DOWN.
announcer: EVEN WHILE RECOVERING
FROM HIS LATEST ANAL ESCAPADE,
CARL WAS DESPERATE
FOR MORE PROBING.
A SINGLE THERMOMETER WOULDN'T
DO MUCH FOR CARL'S CRATER,
BUT NINE OF THEM TAPED TOGETHER
MIGHT BE THE PERFECT FIT
FOR CARL'S BAD CAVERN.
HE TOOK THE PLUNGE
WITH HIS MAKESHIFT MASHER.
NINE THERMOMETERS
GOING IN AND OUT HIS KEISTER
WAS MAKING CARL
PERFECTLY ASS-IN-NINE.
AND THEN THE DOCTOR CAME IN.
[door opens]
[thermometers shatter]
THERE'S SOMETHING YOU DON'T
HEAR EVERY DAY,
NINE THERMOMETERS
BREAKING DEEP
UP SOMEONE'S ANAL CANAL.
- WHAT'S WRONG?
- [whimpering]
- YOU OKAY?
ARE YOU-- ARE YOU IN PAIN?
TELL ME.
- [whimpering]
- OH, MY GOD.
announcer: CARL REALLY
SCREWED HIMSELF.
THE THERMOMETERS SHATTERED,
SLICING THROUGH LARGE VEINS
IN HIS COLON.
TO MAKE THINGS WORSE,
TOXIC MERCURY BEGAN SEEPING
INTO CARL'S BLOODSTREAM.
- MERCURY IS A HEAVY METAL.
EXTREMELY TOXIC.
IT CAN AFFECT
A VARIETY OF THINGS.
IT CAN INHIBIT
ENZYMATIC PATHWAYS,
RESULTING IN BRAIN DAMAGE,
LIVER DAMAGE, RENAL FAILURE.
- [crying]
announcer: CARL GAME HIMSELF
THE ULTIMATE DOUBLE WHAMMY:
INTERNAL BLEEDING
AND TOXIC SHOCK.
DID HE DIE?
HE REALLY WRECKED-'IM-SELF.
YOU CAN TAKE A STRIPPER
OFF THE POLE,
BUT THEY STILL DRESS
LIKE SLUTS.
TAKE SYLVIA HERE.
SHE WORKED THE STRIP CLUBS
LONG AND HARD
UNTIL SHE FOUND
HER SUGAR DADDY.
NOW SHE ENJOYED
SPENDING HIS MONEY
AND TURNING HEADS
IN HER SLEEPY DALLAS SUBURB.
ONE OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD LOCALS
WAS MIKEY,
A PSYCHOPATHIC THIEF.
ONE DAY WHILE SYLVIA
WAS STRUTTING
HER STILL SIZZLING STUFF,
MIKEY SPOTTED
THE EX-EXOTIC DANCER.
HE LIKED THE LOOKS
OF HER PURSE.
- MOST STREET THUGS
THAT TAKE A WOMAN'S PURSE
GET AWAY WITH IT IF THERE'S
NO ONE AROUND TO SEE THEM.
- NO! NO! DROP IT!
UGH! SON OF A...!
announcer: SEEING WHAT HAPPENED,
A NEIGHBOR RAN AFTER THE THIEF.
- HEY, YOU, STOP!
announcer: MIKEY TRIED
TO AVOID HIM,
BUT HIS FRONT WHEEL
CAUGHT A FLAGSTONE
AT THE END OF A DRIVEWAY.
HIS BIKE STOPPED,
BUT MIKEY KEPT GOING.
- [groans]
[gargles]
announcer: THE SCREWDRIVER
MIKEY USED TO THREATEN SYLVIA
SUDDENLY TURNED ON HIM
AND PUNCTURED HIS HEART.
[screwdriver
piercing flesh]
- WHETHER THE ASSAILANT USES
AN ICE PICK, A SCREWDRIVER,
OR A BLADE,
YOU ARE MOST LIKELY TO DIE
IF A THIN-WALLED STRUCTURE
SUCH AS THE LEFT OR RIGHT
ATRIUM,
THE AORTA,
OR THE PULMONARY ARTERY ARE CUT.
THEY BLEED AROUND THE HEART
INTO THE SAC THAT COVERS
THE HEART CALLED THE PERICARDIUM
AND THEY DIE OF A CONDITION
CALLED PERICARDIAL TAMPONADE.
announcer: MIKEY LEARNED
THE HARD WAY
SNATCHING A PURSE
FROM AN EX-STRIPPER
IS RISKY BUSINESS.
YOU JUST MIGHT GET SCREWED.
- AH! AH!
announcer: COMING UP,
A BIG APE TRIES TO DEAD LIFT
AND A GOTH GETS BEDEVILED.
- SATAN BE GONE!
- AH! AH!
announcer:
PETE WAS A WORKOUT WARRIOR.
- YAH!
announcer:
ALL HIS FREE TIME
AND EVERY PENNY HE EARNED
AT HIS CONSTRUCTION JOB
WAS INVESTED
IN HIS PHYSIQUE.
- AH!
announcer: HE POUNDED
THE HEAVY BAG,
SHADOWBOXED,
AND DID EVERYTHING HE COULD
TO PUFF UP HIS PECS.
- AH! AH!
- THE EXERCISE GIVES YOU A SENSE
OF WELL-BEING
AND-- AND FEELING GREAT.
AND SO WHAT THEY DO IS THEY
START DOING A LITTLE MORE,
A LITTLE MORE.
AND REALLY BASICALLY
WHAT THEY'RE DOING
IS THEY'RE JUST REPLACING THAT
AS AN ADDICTION FOR DRINKING
OR DRUGS 'CAUSE THEY GET
THAT SAME EUPHORIC FEELING
FROM THE WORKOUT.
- AAH!
announcer: BUT PETE ENJOYED
DRINKING AS WELL.
HE AND HIS WORKOUT PARTNER
WOULD POUND DOWN SHOTS
OF TEQUILA AND PLAY
THE DEAD WEIGHT CHALLENGE.
- LET'S GO!
[shot glasses shatter]
announcer:
PETE AND HIS BUDDY HANK
TESTED THEIR MANHOOD
ON VARIOUS PIECES
PETE COLLECTED
FROM CONSTRUCTION SITES.
[laughing manically]
- IF YOU'RE DRINKING
AND YOU START LIFTING WEIGHTS,
THE FIRST TENDENCY
YOU WOULD HAVE
IS TO THINK "OH, I CAN REALLY
PUMP A LOT OF WEIGHTS.
I CAN DO, UH, FASTER,
STRONGER."
- YOU AIN'T GOT IT.
- THE MUSCLES-- FIRST,
THEY CAN PUMP REAL HARD.
SO THEY'LL OVERDO IT.
AND THEY'VE ALREADY GONE
BEYOND WHERE THEY SHOULD GO.
AND THEN ALL OF THE SUDDEN,
THE MUSCLES JUST GIVE OUT
RIGHT AWAY.
announcer: BUT NOTHING
WAS TOO HEAVY
FOR THESE MUSCLE HEADS.
- SEE?
- WATCH THIS. WATCH THIS. WATCH.
announcer: PETE LIKED TO CALL
THE 350-POUND PIECE OF I-BEAM
"THE CRUSHER."
- YEAH, WHATEVER, MAN.
- [grunts]
announcer:
UNFORTUNATELY, THE CRUSHER
CRUSHED PETE'S WINDPIPE.
- MOST LIKELY,
THIS INDIVIDUAL DIED
FROM TRACHEAL OBSTRUCTION.
FROM A CRUSHED LARYNX
OR TRACHEA.
ONCE THOSE ARE CRUSHED,
IT'S VERY DIFFICULT
TO OPEN THOSE BACK UP.
SO THIS PERSON MOST LIKELY
SUFFOCATED.
announcer:
PETE'S PECS HAD PUMPED
THEIR LAST PIECE OF IRON.
HERE'S SOMETHING YOU DON'T
SEE EVERY DAY.
- OH, IT'S COMING!
announcer: A 17-YEAR-OLD GIRL
STAKED TO A PENTAGRAM
IN HER OWN BACKYARD.
- SATAN BE GONE.
EVIL AWAY.
announcer: STACEY'S
BEEN A FOSTER CHILD
HER WHOLE LIFE.
BUT HER LATEST CARETAKERS,
ROMAN AND MINNIE,
TAKE THE CAKE.
THEY ARE TOTAL
RELIGIOUS FREAKS
WHO ONLY TOOK HER IN
FOR THE TAX BENEFITS.
NOW THEY'VE DECIDED
STACEY'S PIERCINGS, TATTOOS,
AND OVERALL GOTH APPEARANCE
ARE SURE SIGNS
SHE'S POSSESSED
BY THE DEVIL.
THEY DIDN'T APPROVE OF HER GOTH
BOYFRIEND EITHER.
SO THEY GATHERED THEIR CULT
MEMBER FRIENDS
FOR A RITUAL EXORCISM,
HENCE THE PENTAGRAM.
- SATAN BE GONE!
announcer: STACEY'S DECIDED
IT'S EASER TO GO ALONG
WITH THIS FIASCO
RATHER THAN PUT UP A FIGHT.
THAT WAY SHE'LL GET OUT
IN TIME TO MAKE HER DATE.
- I WANT TO GO
TO THE MALL NOW.
- MALL IS THE DEVIL'S
PLAYGROUND.
all: THE MALL IS THE DEVIL'S
PLAYGROUND.
- THE MALL IS THE DEVIL'S
PLAYGROUND!
- THERE ARE MANY RITUALS
TO TRY TO EXORCISE
OR PURIFY AN INDIVIDUAL THOUGHT
TO BE POSSESSED BY DEMONS.
AND, OF COURSE,
THIS CAN MEAN GREAT PAIN
FOR THE INDIVIDUAL INVOLVED.
AND IF THEY'RE NOT REALLY
POSSESSED,
IT WOULD BE A FUTILE EFFORT
TO TRY TO CLEANSE THEM.
- SATAN BE GONE!
- EVIL AWAY!
announcer:
AS PART OF THE EXORCISM,
THE CULTISTS BURNED
A LOT OF COAL AND INCENSE
INSIDE A TENT
WITH NO VENTILATION.
BAD IDEA.
THE INCENSE WAS RELEASING
THE TOXIC CHEMICAL BENZOPYRENE.
COAL, AS WE ALL KNOW,
GIVES OFF DEADLY
CARBON MONOXIDE.
THE COMBINATION
OF THE TWO GASES
WAS MAKING THEM LIGHT-HEADED,
UNABLE TO THINK RATIONALLY.
THEY SHOULD'VE CRAWLED
OUT OF THE TENT.
INSTEAD, THEY STAYED INSIDE
AND SUCCUMBED TO THE LACK
OF OXYGEN.
- CARBON MONOXIDE IS A GAS.
AND WHEN THE BODY
BREATHES IT IN,
IT BINDS
TO THE MAJOR MOLECULE
THAT CARRIES OXYGEN
TO THE BODY
AND BLOCKS IT
FROM CARRYING OXYGEN.
SO THE BODY ESSENTIALLY
ASPHYXIATES.
IT'S ONLY A MATTER
OF MINUTES
BEFORE YOUR BRIAN
IS GOING TO EXPERIENCE
NEAR-LETHAL LEVELS
OF LOW OXYGEN.
- [coughing]
- [coughing]
- GUYS. HELLO.
OH, MY GOD.
announcer:
STACEY CAUGHT A BREAK.
THERE WAS A LAYER OF FRESH AIR
LOW TO THE GROUND.
WHILE EVERYONE ELSE
STRUGGLED TO BREATHE,
SHE MANAGED TO UNTIE HERSELF
AND ESCAPE.
IN THEIR ATTEMPT TO KILL
THE DEVIL INSIDE STACEY...
- SEE YA LATER, FREAKS!
announcer: THEY WOUND UP
KILLING THEMSELVES.
UP NEXT, A LOVER'S RELATIONSHIP
GETS A LITTLE PATCHY
AND FOUR TIMES STUPID
EQUALS TWO TIMES DEAD.
announcer: MINDY WAS A LOT
LIKE A GUY.
SHE'D MUCH RATHER GET IT ON
THAN WASTE TIME WITH FEELINGS.
HER BOYFRIEND LEX
WAS THE PERFECT MATCH SEXUALLY.
HE LIKED TO FEED HER ADDICTION
ALL DAY LONG.
- A PERSON WHO IS A SEX ADDICT
ISN'T ONLY ADDICTED
TO THE ACT ITSELF.
THEY'RE ADDICTED
TO THE EXPERIENCE
AND THE PLEASURE
THAT'S COMING FROM THEIR BRAIN.
AND IT'S SOMETHING THAT YOU FEEL
LIKE YOU CAN CONTROL.
LIKE, YOU CAN GO OUT
AND GET MORE OF THAT.
AND THAT'S WHAT OFTEN LEADS
TO SEX ADDICTION.
announcer: LEX LOVED ONE
OF MINDY'S ADDICTIONS,
BUT NOT THE OTHER.
- YOU'RE SERIOUSLY GONNA
SMOKE NOW.
announcer: IN FACT,
HE HATED CIGARETTES
AND HAD REACHED A POINT
WHERE THE STROKIN' AND POKIN'
WAS NO LONGER WORTH
THE SMOKIN'.
- HERE'S THE DEAL, IF YOU'RE
GONNA CONTINUE SMOKING,
NO MORE SEX FOR YOU.
announcer:
IT WAS A NO-BRAINER.
MINDY LIKED SMOKING,
BUT SHE LOVED SEX.
- THERE IS SO MUCH POTENTIAL
FEAR AND AGITATION
ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE
OF WITHDRAWING FROM NICOTINE
THAT IT COULD DRIVE A PERSON
TO WANT TO DO SOMETHING
IRRATIONAL.
announcer: MINDY DIDN'T WANT
TO LOSE OUT
ON ONE DAY OF LEX'S BONING.
BUT IF SHE WAS GOING
TO STOP SMOKING,
SHE WANTED TO GET IT
OVER WITH.
TO THAT END, SHE PUT A MONTH'S
WORTH OF NICOTINE PATCHES
ON HER BODY
TO QUIT ONCE AND FOR ALL,
OVERNIGHT.
- WHEN YOU'RE GIVING YOURSELF
THAT HUGE OF A DOSE
OF NICOTINE, UH,
YOU ARE ACTUALLY GOING
TO OVERSTIMULATE
YOUR NEURAL SYSTEM.
THIS INCREASED AMOUNT
OF DOPAMINE
COULD RESULT
IN HALLUCINATIONS.
announcer:
MINDY'S HALLUCINATIONS
ONLY GOT WORSE
AS HER PLEASURE CENTERS
WERE OVERLOADED
WITH NICOTINE.
- THAT'S GOING TO CAUSE
A STIMULATORY RESPONSE,
UM, ON YOUR HEART.
BECAUSE IT'S OVERWORKING,
YOUR HEART CAN FAIL.
announcer: MINDY THOUGHT
THAT YOU COULD KICK AN ADDICTION
WITH A PATCH JOB.
INSTEAD, SHE WOUND UP
SMOKING HERSELF.
THE FOLLOWING TALE
INVOLVES TWO PAIRS OF FRIENDS
SEPARATED
BY THOUSANDS OF MILES,
IGNORANT OF EACH OTHER'S
EXISTENCE,
BUT UNITED
IN THEIR COMMON PURSUIT
OF ALL THINGS STUPID.
- I HAVE AN IDEA.
BUNGEE JUMPING.
- LET'S GET IT DONE.
- ALL RIGHT.
- WE SHOULD INVENT OUR OWN
EXTREME SPORT.
LIKE AN X-SPORT.
- RIGHT?
- YEAH!
announcer: ALL FOUR ARE INSPIRED
ONLY AFTER DRINKING
WAY TOO MANY BEERS.
A WARNING TO ALL
WHO ARE WATCHING THIS.
THOSE ARE NOT GOOD IDEAS
AT THE BOTTOMS
OF YOUR BEER CANS.
IT'S JUST SALIVA.
- GONNA DO IT, BUDDY.
- YOU'RE DOING IT.
announcer: TEAM NUMBER ONE
IS THINKING BUNGEE JUMPING
OFF A CHERRY PICKER
IS A GOOD WAY
TO KILL AN AFTERNOON.
- I CAN DO IT.
announcer: TEAM NUMBER TWO
HOPES SOMETHING THEY CALL
"MATTRESS SURFING"
WILL REWARD THEM
WITH FAME AND RICHES.
BOTH IDEAS
INVOLVE EXTREME STUNTS.
- DO IT!
announcer: AND BOTH
ARE EXTREMELY ILL-ADVISED.
- WHOO!
- WHOO-OOH!
- SURFING THE WIND, DUDE!
- HOO-HOO-HOO!
SURFING!
- COME ON.
announcer: THE DRUNKER
OF THE TWO BUNGEE JUMPERS
GETS INTO POSITION
65 FEET OFF THE GROUND.
- JUMP!
announcer: AND DROPS
LIKE A SACK OF HAMMERS.
THE DUMBER OF THE TWO
MATTRESS SURFERS
HANGS TEN AND THEN STARTS
TO WIPE OUT.
DRUNK BUNGEE MAN GOES SPLAT.
[splats]
HE MEASURED THE CORD WRONG.
DRUNK MATTRESS MAN DISCOVERS
A LITTLE TOO LATE...
THE GROUND IS HARD.
BOTH WERE NUTLESS MONKEYS.
BOTH WERE TOO DRUNK TO THINK.
AND BOTH WOUND UP BREAKING
EVERY BONE...
[bones breaking]
IN THEIR BODIES.
- IF YOU THINK ABOUT HOW
PEOPLE GET HURT,
HOW THEY BECOME
TRAUMA PATIENTS,
GUNSHOT WOUNDS,
STAB WOUNDS,
HIGH LEVEL FALLS,
MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENTS,
CAR ACCIDENTS,
18 TO 35-YEAR-OLD MALES
ARE THE MOST COMMON PATIENTS
AND THEY'RE OFTEN DRUNK.
announcer: IS THERE A LESSON
TO BE LEARNED
AMIDST THIS PARALLEL CARNAGE?
- YEAH!
announcer: IF YOU'RE DRUNK,
THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO
IS FALL RIGHT INTO BED.
JUST MAKE SURE THE FALL
ISN'T TOO HIGH...
[bones breaking]
AND THE BED ISN'T GOING
60 MILES AN HOUR.
COMING UP...
[cow moos]
HOLY COW,
THIS GUY'S A FREAK.
announcer: WE CAN START THIS
STORY BY STATING THE OBVIOUS--
NOBODY'S PERFECT.
THE GUY CREEPING AROUND
THE BARNYARD
IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE.
BERNARD HAD AN UNNATURAL
OBSESSION.
AN UNCONTROLLABLE COMPULSION.
AN OVERWHELMING DESIRE...
FOR MILK.
[cow moos]
- YES.
[cow moos]
announcer: BUT HE DIDN'T
PURCHASE IT
FROM THE GROCERY STORE.
- HELLO, BEAUTIFUL.
announcer:
AND HE DIDN'T DRINK IT
OUT OF A CARTON.
HE WAS DRIVEN TO GO
DIRECTLY TO THE SOURCE.
IN BERNARD'S CASE,
THE HEALTHY WHITE ELIXIR
WAS RICH IN VITAMIN D.
AS IN D-RANGED.
HOW TO EXPLAIN BERNARD'S
INSATIABLE BOVINE THIRST?
- MM. [slurping]
AH, NECTAR OF THE GODS!
announcer: COULD IT BE
HE WASN'T BREAST-FED
AS A BABY?
[baby crying]
MAYBE HE WAS A COW
IN A PAST LIFE.
[cow moos]
MORE LIKELY, IT WAS THE FACT
THAT HE WAS HAUNTED
BY THE MEMORY OF HIS TWISTED
UNCLE TIM
WHO TORMENTED HIM
WHILE WEARING A COW SUITE.
- AH!
[rooster crows]
- IT SOUNDS LIKE HE HAD
A VERY SADISTIC UNCLE,
UM, WHO, YOU KNOW,
PLAYED THESE GAMES WITH HIM
WHILE THE UNCLE
WAS IN A COW SUIT.
SO HE PUT TOGETHER
THAT HIS SEXUAL AROUSAL PATTERN
WAS ABOUT BEING HUMILIATED...
- MOO. [laughs]
- AND BEING HUMILIATED
BY AN ANIMAL.
IN THIS CASE, A COW.
announcer:
ON THIS PARTICULAR TRIP
TO THE DAIRY QUEEN,
BERNARD GOT MILK
AND THEN SOME.
COW MILK IS REALLY GOOD
FOR BABY COWS.
NOT WEIRDOS LOOKING
FOR LACTOSE INJECTION.
HE CLAMPED DOWN
A LITTLE TOO HARD ON A TEAT
AND THE COW WENT TIT FOR TAT.
AND THAT WAS THAT.
- WHEN SOMEONE'S EXPOSED
TO THIS BLUNT TRAUMA
OR BLAST WAVE,
THE BRAIN IS ACTUALLY PUSHED
AGAINST THE SKULL.
AND THE BRAIN,
WHICH IS A VERY SOFT TISSUE
WILL COMPRESS AND BE DAMAGED
AGAINST THAT.
IF ENOUGH OF THAT DAMAGE OCCURS,
A PERSON CAN DIE FROM THAT.
[cow moos]
announcer:
MILK IS GOOD FOR YOU.
BUT TOO MUCH GOOD
CAN BE BAD.
A LESSON BERNARD LEARNED
THE HARD WAY
WHEN THINGS TURNED SOUR.
GOT DEATH?
[rock music]
*
- * IT'S ORIGINAL