1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 2, Episode 4 - Putting a Happy Face on Death - full transcript

HERE WE GO AGAIN--

PUTTING A HAPPY FACE
ON DEATH.

WHAT'S FUNNIER
THAN A MIDGET GETTING WRECKED

OR A CREEP
BLOWING HIS TOP?

HOW ABOUT A WOMAN
WITH A CASE OF BAD DEATH?

OR A SURVIVALIST
WHO DOESN'T SURVIVE?

THEN THERE'S THE GUY
WITH THE KILLER COCK.

AND THE STONERS
WHO LICK FROG BUTT.

AND FINALLY A WOMAN BITES IT
IN THE GARDEN OF EATIN'.

THEY'RE ALL GOING DOWN
ON THE NEXT EPISODE

OF 1000 WAYS TO DIE.



DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.

OTHERS CAN'T GET
OUT OF ITS WAY.

EVERY DAY WE FIGHT A NEW WAR
AGAINST GERMS...

TOXINS...

INJURY...

ILLNESS, AND CATASTROPHE.

THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS
TO WIND UP DEAD.

THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL
IS A MIRACLE...

BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...

WE FACE 1000 WAYS TO DIE.

WHY IS THIS MAN RUNNING
WITH A BAG OF GROCERIES?

LATE FOR WORK?

HUNGRY?
RUSHING HOME TO FEED GRANDMA?



THIS LOSER STOLE THEM

FROM A BLIND, PREGNANT WOMAN.

NICE?

YOU'D LIKE TO THINK
A CREEP LIKE THIS

WOULD GET WHAT HE DESERVES.

SIT BACK AND WATCH.

THE CREEP FOUND HIMSELF
HIDING IN A CAR WASH.

THE OWNER, NOT REALIZING
THERE WAS A CREEP IN THE WORKS,

RAN THE DAILY MAINTENANCE CHECK.

SUDDENLY, HE FOUND HIMSELF
ATTACKED BY AN ARMY OF NOZZLES

AND BRUSHES.

HE BECAME DISORIENTED,

UNABLE TO FIND
HIS WAY OUT.

THEN HE SLIPPED

AND IMPALED HIS SKULL

ON A HIGH-PRESSURE NOZZLE.

WATER BEGAN TO FILL
HIS CRANIUM

UNTIL...

WHEN THE LOSER LOST
HIS FOOTING,

HE TAPPED HIMSELF
INTO A SPRAY NOZZLE

PACKING 1,000 POUNDS
OF PRESSURE.

WATER FORCED HIS BRAIN
TO THE TOP OF HIS SKULL

UNTIL HIS HEAD POPPED

LIKE A CHAMPAGNE CORK.

- ONCE THIS INSTRUMENT
WAS IN THE BRAIN

IN THE SKULL AND THE WATER
STARTED SQUIRTING OUT,

THE BRAIN HAS NO PLACE,
NO TIME TO ADAPT.

AND AS A RESULT,
DEATH CAN BE SUDDEN AND EXTREME.

BECAUSE
OF THE SHEER VOLUME EFFECT.

IT'S NICE TO SEE
BAD GUYS GET

WHAT THEY DESERVE.

THE CREEP DIDN'T GET CAUGHT.

HE GOT HOSED.

THE DOOR OPENS
ON AN ILLEGAL COCK FIGHT,

AND WE ENTER A WORLD
FILLED WITH BRUTALITY,

CRUELTY,
AND VIOLENCE.

AND THAT'S JUST THE HUMAN SIDE
OF IT.

- KEEP ATTACKING.

FERNANDO HAD A WIFE
AND FOUR HUNGRY CHILDREN

TO CARE FOR.

HE WAS HOPING
HIS PRIZE ROOSTER CORAZON

WOULD HELP HIM PUT SOME FOOD
ON THE TABLE.

IT WAS FERNANDO'S BAD LUCK
THAT HIS OPPONENT

WAS A MAN KNOWN
AS "MALDITO."

THE WICKED ONE.

- YOU'D THINK THAT A CHICKEN
WOULD BE CHICKEN,

BUT THEY'RE NOT.

THEY'RE PURELY TERRITORIAL

AND PURE AGGRESSION.

THEY DO NOT WANT
ANOTHER ROOSTER IN THAT AREA.

THEY JUST NEVER BACK DOWN
TILL ONE IS DEAD.

THE FIGHT WAS ON.

MALDITO'S BIRD
EL CALIENTE

WAS A SEASONED KILLER.

IT WAS OBVIOUS CORAZON
WAS OUTMATCHED.

SOON ENOUGH, IN A BLUR
OF CLAWS AND FEATHERS...

CORAZON WAS DEAD.

AND FERNANDO WAS DEVASTATED.

WHILE THE CROWD ERUPTED
AROUND HIM,

FERNANDO GREW SUSPICIOUS.

SOMETHING DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT.

THEN HE SAW IT.

TINY RAZORS HIDDEN ON THE BACK
OF EL CALIENTE'S TALONS.

MALDITO HAD CHEATED.

FERNANDO SPREAD THE WORD.

SOON ENOUGH THE CROWD TURNED
INTO AN ANGRY MOB

LOOKING FOR BLOOD.

MALDITO'S BLOOD.

THERE WAS NO ESCAPE.

MALDITO WAS A TRAPPED ANIMAL
FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE.

HE STUMBLED AND FELL,
AND THE MOB WAS ON HIM.

BUT EL CALIENTE
BEAT THEM TO IT.

THE VICIOUS COCK
TURNED ON ITS OWNER,

SLASHING MALDITO'S THROAT
WITH THE HIDDEN RAZORS.

- THE JUGULAR VEIN DOESN'T HAVE
ANY PROTECTION FROM ANY BONES

AND NO REALLY THICK TISSUES.

IT'S OUT IN THE OPEN.

ONCE THAT VESSEL IS CUT,

THE BLEEDING IS PROFUSE

BECAUSE THAT
IS THE PRIMARY DRAINING VEIN

FOR THE BLOOD
IN THE HEAD.

ABUSING ANIMALS FOR
ENTERTAINMENT HAS BEEN AROUND

A LONG TIME.

WITH GUYS LIKE MALDITO
OUT OF THE PICTURE,

MAYBE IT WON'T BE
MUCH LONGER.

COMING UP,
KINKY TURNS STINKY

FOR A HORNY HOUSEWIFE.

AND A LITTLE PERSON
GETS A BIG HEADACHE.

- HI, HONEY.

HOW'S WORK?

CYNTHIA AND KENNY
HAVE A VERY MODERN RELATIONSHIP.

YOU'RE HORNY.

WHILE KENNY'S AT WORK,

THEY STAY CONNECTED
THROUGH ONLINE VIDEO CHAT.

TO KEEP THINGS FRESH,

CYNTHIA MAKES UP
NAUGHTY ROLE-PLAYING SCENARIOS.

TODAY, SHE HAS SOMETHING
VERY KINKY IN MIND.

- SEX IS VERY IMPORTANT
TO A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

AND FOR SOME PEOPLE,
IT CAN GET A LITTLE BIT BORING

OR ROUTINE,
SO A SEX GAME CAN BE

A GREAT WAY TO KIND OF SPARK
THINGS UP AND MAKE IT FUN AGAIN.

CYNTHIA GAGS HERSELF,

TIES HERSELF UP
IN A CHAIR,

AND HANDCUFFS HERSELF IN.

AT WORK,
KENNY TAKES IT ALL IN,

GETTING HORNY
AS A THREE-BALLED CAT.

BUT BEFORE
HE CAN DITCH WORK EARLY...

AN UNEXPECTED VISITOR
LETS HIMSELF IN.

- WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

KENNY WATCHES IN HORROR

AS THE MASKED BURGLAR
ROBS THEM BLIND.

- THAT'S NICE.

THE LAST THING
TO GO-- CYNTHIA'S LAPTOP.

BEFORE HE LEAVES, HE LEAVES
CYNTHIA GASPING FOR AIR.

- YOU MADE MY JOB
A WHOLE LOT EASIER.

MR. BURGLAR HAPPENS
TO HAVE A CASE OF HALITOSIS

THAT COULD PEEL PAINT.

HIS BREATH SMELLS

LIKE SOMETHING THAT COMES OUT

OF THE WRONG END
OF A LARGE FARM ANIMAL.

- THANKS...

HONEY.

- THE SMELL CAN TOTALLY CAUSE
A PHYSICAL REACTION,

CAUSE YOU TO VOMIT OR BE SICK
TO YOUR STOMACH.

IT WAS
AS IF CYNTHIA HAD STUCK HER HEAD

DOWN THE POOP CHUTE
OF A FULL PORT-A-POTTY.

SHE BLEW CHUNKS, BUT THE CHUNKS
HAD NOWHERE TO GO.

- WHEN YOU VOMIT,

YOUR BODY IS DETECTING SOMETHING

THAT IT DOESN'T WANT
TO BE THERE.

A SIGNAL GETS SENT
FROM YOUR BRAIN

TO YOUR STOMACH
VIA YOUR VAGUS NERVE,

AND IT SAYS, "PLEASE EMPTY OUT
THE CONTENTS OF MY STOMACH."

- FOOD OR BILE
OR STOMACH ACID

SHOULD NEVER GO
INTO THE LUNGS

BECAUSE IT WILL IMPEDE
OUR BODY'S ABILITY

TO TAKE IN OXYGEN.

AND SO WE ESSENTIALLY DROWN
IN OUR OWN VOMIT

OR OUR OWN SECRETIONS.

FOR CYNTHIA,
A DAY THAT STARTED

WITH KINKY FUN...

JUST BECAME TOO HARD
TO SWALLOW.

SOME SAY
SIZE DOESN'T MATTER.

IN THE WORLD
OF MIDGET WRESTLING,

SPUD AND NIK WERE LIVING PROOF.

DESPITE
THEIR PINT-SIZED PROPORTIONS,

THEY WERE GIANTS.

THEIR UNDERGROUND FIGHTS ALWAYS
DREW A BLOODTHIRSTY CROWD.

THESE LITTLE LUCHADORES
WERE ROCK STARS.

THEY FOUGHT HARD,
AND THEY PLAYED HARDER.

- I DON'T THINK
ONE DRINK IS THE SAME

FOR LITTLE PEOPLE AS IT IS
FOR AVERAGE-HEIGHT PEOPLE.

WE HAVE SMALLER BODIES,

AND THE ALCOHOL IS INTENSIFIED.

I DON'T KNOW--
MAYBE THAT MAKES

FOR BETTER ENTERTAINMENT,
YOU KNOW?

THIS NIGHT,
IT WAS BUSINESS AS USUAL.

A COUPLE OF FULL-SIZED HOTTIES,

A BOTTLE OF BOOZE,

AND A CHEAP HOTEL ROOM.

I'VE NEVER DONE IT

WITH A LITTLE GUY BEFORE.

- HEY, WE'RE NOT THAT LITTLE.

I DEFINITELY THINK

THAT LITTLE PEOPLE DO WANT
TO COMPENSATE,

AND THAT MIGHT DRIVE THEM
TO DO THINGS

THAT MIGHT BE OUTLANDISH.

SPUD AND NIK
MIGHT HAVE BEEN LITTLE PEOPLE,

BUT THEY WERE
BIG-TIME HEADBANGERS.

- ONE, TWO, THREE.

- THESE GUYS ARE FRICKIN' CRAZY.
- YEAH.

- THE BRAIN
HAS A REMARKABLE CAPACITY

TO SUSTAIN SOME INJURIES,

SOME BLOWS TO THE HEAD.

THERE IS SOME CUSHIONING,

SOME PADDING AROUND THE BRAIN,
WHICH HELPS US.

HOWEVER, THERE'S A LIMIT
TO WHAT THE BRAIN CAN TAKE.

NO HOTEL ROOM
GOT OUT ALIVE

WHEN THESE TWO WERE IN TOWN.

- READY FOR THE GRAND FINALE?

- YEAH!

THE DRUNKEN HALF-PINTS DECIDED

TO HIT THE WALL AGAIN.

- THREE, TWO, ONE.
- GO! GO! GO!

GO!

NIK BUSTED THROUGH.

BUT, SPUD, NOT SO LUCKY.

HIS BIG HEAD HIT
A PART OF THE WALL

SUPPORTED BY A 2X4 STUD.

- WAKE UP!

WAKE UP.
WAKE UP.

- YOU CAN GET
WHAT WE CALL SUBDURAL,

WHERE ALL THESE BRIDGING VEINS
ARE GOING LIKE THAT,

AND THOSE VEINS BREAK.

YOU CAN ALSO HAVE DAMAGE
TO BLOOD VESSELS

WHERE YOU CAN BLEED,
AND THE BLEED CAN TAKE UP SPACE,

WHICH CAN EVENTUALLY LEAD
TO HERNIATION AND DEATH.

SPUD WAS A BIG MAN
IN A SMALL WORLD.

BUT IN HIS FACE-OFF
WITH A STUD,

HE CAME UP SHORT.

UP NEXT,
A SLEEPWALKER DOESN'T WAKE UP...

AND MR. FROGGY WENT A-COURTING
AND TOOK A LICKING.

THERE ARE TWO THINGS
YOU NEED TO KNOW

ABOUT WARREN.

HE WAS PARANOID
TO THE POINT OF PARALYSIS.

HE SAW CONSPIRACIES
EVERYWHERE HE LOOKED.

HE WAS AN INSOMNIAC.

HE WOULD LIKE AWAKE
ALL NIGHT LONG

WAITING FOR "THEM" TO COME
AND WHISK HIM AWAY.

TO PROTECT HIMSELF,
WARREN PLACED DEADLY BOOBY TRAPS

THROUGHOUT HIS PLACE.

ANYONE WHO VIOLATED
HIS SPACE

WOULD REGRET IT.

- IN AN EXTREME CASE,
INDIVIDUALS SUFFERING

FROM PARANOIA,
ALWAYS IMAGINE PEOPLE

ARE TALKING TO THEM,

TALKING ABOUT THEM,

FOLLOWING THEM, PLOTTING
AGAINST THEM, ET CETERA.

TO COMBAT
HIS INSOMNIA,

WARREN GOT A NEW PRESCRIPTION
FOR SLEEPING PILLS.

MAYBE TONIGHT HE WOULD FINALLY
GET SOME NEEDED REST.

BUT HIS SLEEPING PILLS CAME

WITH A DANGEROUS SIDE EFFECT--

SLEEPWALKING.

- IT'S A RARE OCCURRENCE,

BUT PEOPLE HAVE REPORTED

SLEEPWALKING,
SLEEP EATING,

SLEEP DRIVING EVEN,
AND SLEEP SEX.

EVEN THOUGH WARREN'S CONSCIOUS
BRAIN WAS STILL ASLEEP,

HIS BODY WANTED A SNACK.

HE POPPED ON
HIS NIGHT VISION GOGGLES

AND MADE HIS WAY TO THE FRIDGE

WHILE STILL COMPLETELY ASLEEP.

PAST THE BEAR TRAP...

UNDER THE FLAME THROWER...

TO THE FRIDGE...

WHERE HE AVOIDED
THE POISON DARTS

AND FINALLY SAT DOWN
TO ENJOY HIS LEFTOVER CHICKEN

WHEN...

THE LASER-OPERATED SHOTGUN
BLEW HIS BRAINS OUT.

- IF YOU HAVE A SHOTGUN BLAST,

IT'S GONNA DO EXTENSIVE DAMAGE

TO THE TISSUE,
SOME OF THE BONE.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE PIECES
OF THE DEBRIS

GOING INTO THE VESSELS
AND POSSIBLY CAUSING

AN EMBOLISM
OR A STROKE.

WARREN FELT
THE WORLD WAS OUT TO GET HIM.

BUT IN THE END,
HE HAD NOTHING TO FEAR

BUT FEAR HIMSELF.

- WE'RE IN PERU, BRO.
LOOK AT THIS.

GLOBAL EXPLORERS
GEEZER AND TRIPP

TRAVELED THE WORLD
TO CHRONICLE THEIR QUEST

FOR THE ULTIMATE HIGH.

- YEAH, IT SMELLS SMOKABLE
TO ME.

HIT IT, BRO.

THESE TWO WOULD GO
ANYWHERE FOR A BUZZ.

- DUDE, NOW IN INDIA,
THEY ACTUALLY SMOKE

THIS FECES RIGHT HERE
THAT YOU CAN SEE.

FOR YEARS,
THEY HAD BEEN LOOKING

FOR THE PSYCHEDELIC HIGH
THAT COMES

FROM LICKING THE SECRETIONS

OF A CERTAIN TOAD.

- LITTLE AMPHIBIAN,
THE BUFO ALVARIUS,

WHICH IS SOMEWHERE
IN THESE MARSHLANDS,

WHICH WE'RE ABOUT TO DISCOVER.

HERE, FROGGY, FROGGY, FROGGY.

- LICK THIS FROG'S ASS.

IT'S LIKE ACID.

I SEE ONE.
I SEE ONE.

- CAUGHT ONE!

- NO WAY.
YOU GOT ONE?

- I GOT ONE.
- ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

WE GOT ONE FINALLY.

AND IT'S IN TRIPP'S SHOE.

ALL RIGHT,
SHOW TIME.

- THIS IS ALL WE CAME FOR.

THIS CREAM
ON THESE FROGS

IS GONNA SEND US
ON A TRIP, MAN,

FARTHER THAN THE MOON.

THE WAR TO END ALL WARS,
MAN,

WITH OUR MINDS.

- WHO'S GONNA GO FIRST,
THOUGH?

- I'M GONNA LET YOU GO AHEAD
AND GO FIRST.

TAKE THE HONORS, MAN.

LICK THAT.

IF HE STOPPED
RIGHT THERE,

BAD THINGS WOULDN'T HAPPEN.

WELL.

THE TOAD THEY THOUGHT
THEY WERE LICKING

LIVES
IN THE SOUTHWEST UNITED STATES.

THE ONE HE JUST LICKED
IS SOMETHING

CALLED THE POISON DART FROG.

ENOUGH SAID.

- WHY SOMEONE WOULD GO
AND LICK A TOAD

TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS
IS BEYOND ME.

THESE ARE THE FROGS THAT THE
INDIANS WIPED THEIR ARROWS ON

AND GO, "DOOT,"
IN THE DART GUN.

SMACK A MONKEY, AND THE MONKEY
STARTS FEELING THE EFFECTS

IN ABOUT 15-20 MINUTES
AND GO "WAH, WAH, WAH."

LUNCH IS SERVED.

SUCKING THIS FROG'S BUTT

WAS THE EQUIVALENT
OF FRENCH-KISSING A RATTLESNAKE.

THE TWO CREATURES CONTAIN TOXINS

WITH SIMILAR COMPOUNDS.

SOME OF THOSE COMPOUNDS
CAUSE HALLUCINATIONS

BY STIMULATING THE NERVES.

SOME BLOCK THE NERVES,
RESULTING IN DEATH.

TINY PROTEIN CHAINS
CALLED DENDROTOXINS

ENTER THE BLOOD STREAM
IN THE NERVOUS SYSTEM.

THEY BEGIN REPLACING
THE NORMAL PROTEIN CHAINS

LINKING THE BODY'S
NERVOUS SYSTEM.

IT LEADS TO TOTAL HEART-STOPPING
PARALYSIS.

THE SECRETIONS
FROM A POISON DART FROG

WILL START OUT MAKING
SOMEONE FEEL

AS IF THEY ARE
SIMPLY HALLUCINATING.

- THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND.

HER NAME IS STICK.

WHAT'S THIS STUFF
ON ME, MAN?

BUT IN REALITY, THESE
TWO MISINFORMED NATURALISTS

WERE DYING.

WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED
FROM THEIR MISERABLE DEATHS?

AS YOU GO THROUGH LIFE,

NO MATTER
WHAT FROG YOU MEET,

IT'S PROBABLY NOT A GOOD IDEA
TO LICK ITS BUTT.

COMING UP,
A GARDENER PICKS A PECKER

AND WINDS UP PICKLED.

PATTY WAS A DIRTY GIRL.

AS IN SOIL.

GARDENING WAS HER PASSION.

AND EVERYTHING SHE TOUCHED
WOULD GROW.

THAT'S WHY,
WHEN A NEIGHBOR STROLLED BY

PUSHING HIS BIKE
WITH A FLAT TIRE,

SHE WAS ALL EYES.

- DO YOU NEED A LITTLE HELP
WITH THAT?

IT WASN'T HIS TIRE
THAT GOT HER ATTENTION.

IT WAS THE BIG TUBE
STUFFED INSIDE HIS BIKE SHORTS.

SHE WONDERED WHAT EFFECT
HER GREEN THUMB

WOULD HAVE ON SOMETHING
LIKE THAT.

- WHAT'S UP?

- NOTHING MUCH.

MAYBE WE SHOULD GET DRINKS
SOMETIME.

- SOUNDS FANTASTIC.

IN HER BACKYARD GARDEN,

PATTY WAS THINKING
ABOUT HER UPCOMING DATE.

MR. BIG HAD A BICYCLE
BUILT FOR TWO.

COULD SHE HANDLE IT?

SHE LOOKED AROUND TO SEE
IF ANY OF HER VEGGIES

COULD BE OF HELP.

A LOW-HANGING ZUCCHINI

LOOKED PROMISING.

PATTY WORKED HER ZUCCHINI
LIKE A PRO.

BUT LYING IN WAIT
WAS A DIRTY HOE.

- THE BIG DIFFERENCE
WITH AN INANIMATE OBJECT

IS THAT IT'S NOT ATTACHED
TO ANYTHING.

SO THERE'S A LIMIT
AS TO HOW FAR IT CAN GO DOWN

AND HOW YOU CAN EXTRACT IT.

WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN THIS INANIMATE OBJECT

ACTUALLY GOES
THROUGH THE LARYNX,

WELL, IT OBSTRUCTS
THE AIRWAY.

IT'S SIMPLE.

PLANTS NEED WATER.

PATTY NEEDS AIR.

SHE DROPPED TO THE GROUND,
DEAD FROM SUFFOCATION.

PATTY TRIED TO PREPARE

FOR HER BIG DATE.

SHE JUST BIT OFF
MORE THAN SHE COULD CHEW.