1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 6 - Death Gets Busy - full transcript

It's the 1,000 ways to die

trauma center,

Waiting for treatment, two

stooges who go cuckoo with

cocoa,

a supermodel with an appetite

for self-Destruction,

A blue-Collar worker who sees

nothing but red,

and a hot-Tubber who can't

take the heat,



The doctor will see you now,

Death is everywhere,

Most of us try to avoid it,

Others can't get out of its way,

every day we fight a new war

against germs, toxins, injury,

illness, and catastrophe,

There's a lot of ways to wind up

dead,

The fact that we survive at all

is a Miracle because every day

we live we face 1,000 ways to

die,

It's not hard to figure out how



this guy got his nickname

it's the fast Lane, you

idiot!

Angry ed,

God!

a low, seething boil was his

relaxed state,

there wasn't much that didn't

make ed see red,

At the tool shop where he

worked

ed's anger was a running

joke,

But to his Foreman, the joke

had run thin,

You're fired!

I think a person with that

much anger sometime is thinking

in terms of spite and revenge

and manipulation and how they

can get back at those people,

Getting fired turned ed into

a heat-Seeking anger missile,

His unsuspecting target,

the Foreman who was working

on a vat of hydrochloric acid,

End goes hand-to-Hand and winds

up taking a bath

in a tub of hydrochloric acid,

If someone was to fall in

a vat of hydrochloric acid,

that person I'm sure went

through an EXCRUCIATINGLY

painful death because he was

suffering a total body burn

simultaneously,

The acid quickly Burns

through his skin, Fries his

eyeballs, and pours into his

wide-Open mouth,

once inside the body,

ed's major organs are destroyed

within seconds,

He probably went to a level

of shock, if not just because

of the amount of pain he was

feeling But just because of

the sheer amount of fluid loss

and body damage that he was

suffering because of the acid,

This wasn't just ed's last

day of work,

You're fired!

His uncontrollable,

blood-Boiling rage made sure

this was angry ed's last day,

Period,

nice legs,

They've been seen on fashion

runways all around the world,

The legs belong to Natasha,

and Natasha is a supermodel,

Right now Natasha is feeling

a little less than super...

Living out of a suitcase,

empty hotel rooms,

Her life of glamour is

a full-Time grind,

Worst of all is the constant

dieting,

in her world, if you're not

thin you're out,

What's Natasha's secret?

She starves herself,

To make matters worse,

she's fallen into a pattern

of extremely destructive

behavior... Bulimia,

Room service,

Yes, room service?

Yes, this is room service,

What can we bring you?

Everything,

Bulimia's a neurologic and

psychiatric disease,

There's a lot of physiologic

consequences to doing that,

This has become a common

ritual for Natasha,

Each time it's a struggle

between love and Hate for food,

In the end, the compulsion to

binge always wins over,

By literally stuffing herself

with every kind of dish

imaginable, Natasha hopes that

the empty feeling will go away,

Because of her fear of becoming

overweight, Natasha's not

planning on digesting any of

this food,

A regular stomach holds about

30 ounces,

At about 120 to 160 ounces,

your stomach has reached its

maximum capacity, and anything

further it's going to basically

explode,

Before Natasha could jam her

fingers down her throat to

induce vomiting, her pattern of

self-Abuse came to a sudden end,

You've got all of this food

being spilled into the body

cavity,

All of the bacteria that were

in the food are gonna start

multiplying and you're gonna

develop what's called

peritonitis,

And so a lot of times people

have heart attacks or go into

kidney failure, which will lead

to sepsis and shock and

ultimately death,

Natasha made her living off

her looks,

In the end, she wound up dying

for them,

That's hot,

Coming up

a porn addict pops a big one,

And

a big needle,

Oh, no, very normal size,

What happens when you get

a bad batch of botox?

nothing good,

Phil Hardin is a stone-Cold

smut addict,

He lives it,

he breathes it,

Oh, god,

He reads it,

He needs it,

Phil's got it made,

His no-Skills job at the tire

shop allows him to work and

play at the same time,

What makes somebody a sex

addict is what makes somebody

a drug addict or an alcoholic

addict, they over-Consume,

It's more important than their

family,

It's more important than their

work,

They don't care if it destroys

their health,

It's all they think about

day and night,

Phil thought his porn

Obsession was harmless,

He wasn't hurting anyone,

And then one day he sat down

with the new issue of horndog

and a large truck tire,

His foot was up on the air hose,

but his mind was still down in

the gutter,

I've often said that tires

are a ticking time bomb,

If you're not paying attention,

you're gonna have a problem,

It could be catastrophic,

It could kill you or certainly

"Main" you... Take out an eye,

break an arm, break your neck,

take a piece of your body,

It came down to this,

Which would pop FIRST:

Phil or the tire?

the tire and steel rim

exploded simultaneously,

launching heavy shrapnel into

Phil's forehead from less than

a yard away,

Just the Blunt force of

a large piece of tire hitting

him in the head could cause

a contusion that's strong enough

to cause a traumatic brain

injury,

He had actually pieces that

went through his skull lodged

in his skull and damaged his

brain directly, which in and of

itself can cause neurogenic

Shock which can cause someone

to die as well,

You know what they say

Porno is bad for you,

it'll rot your brain,

I'm a little nervous; I'm

gonna have a glass of wine,

Remember when Doctors Made

house calls?

Neither do we,

Never had anything like this

done before,

Totally okay,

Okay,

The only reason Debbie got

this guy to drop by was, 1, he's

not really a doctor, and 2, she

was desperate,

That's, uh... a big needle,

Her problem: Wrinkles,

Dr, Quack here had the cure,

Botox,

Botox is actually botulinum

toxin,

It causes paralysis,

What they do is they inject this

toxin into certain areas of your

face, or wherever you want it to

be, to get rid of wrinkles,

And the way that it does that is

it paralyzes that muscle,

That muscle can no longer

contract, and the wrinkle is

gone,

the fake physician made a

good living off insecure

40-Somethings, dispensing black

Market botox injections,

Don't move,

It wasn't brain surgery, and

they always paid cash,

Debbie didn't know it, but she

just signed her death

certificate,

Okay,

Sorry,

Thank you,

The pretend doctor Had gotten

his hands on a really bad batch

of botox,

He just pumped pure botulism

poison right into her head,

Ahh

This does not feel right,

The pain and Numbness started

spreading from her head

throughout her body,

Debbie thought a dip in the hot

tub might calm her down,

If you do not go to someone

that knows what they're doing

and this toxin gets somewhere it

should not get to... the nerve,

for example, your face becomes

paralyzed, and you look like

you've had a stroke,

if it gets into your arteries

or into your veins, that toxin

is now circulating in your body

and getting into your lungs,

into your heart,

Cause... It can cause paralysis

there, so essentially you stop

breathing, your heart stops

beating, and you end up dead

from botox,

Debbie was helpless,

Her body was completely

paralyzed by the spreading

toxin,

In a frozen panic, she slipped

under the water's surface and

drowned,

At her funeral her friends all

said she never looked better,

Up next

two morons go cuckoo for

cocoa

and wind up in the sweet

hereafter,

And when this m, D, Says "Bend

over," he's talking to his

nurse,

I'm ready for my own

examination,

Is that right?

If ignorance is Bliss, then

Carl and Lenny here are ready

for nirvana,

the best way to describe

them... Happy-Go-Lucky nitwits,

The half a brain they shared was

the right amount for their job

as minimum WAGE kitchen aides,

If you're this stupid, it's like

being in the carpool Lane on the

death highway,

Carl and Lenny are making

good time,

A couple of sacks of cocoa

powder and the race is on,

the two idiots pound and pelt

each other with wild abandon,

If Carl and Lenny were a little

less stupid, they might've

stopped once they realized they

were gradually suffocating from

the cocoa-Charged atmosphere,

that their lungs had something

called alveoli... Tiny Air sacs...

And that they were filling up

with a fine powder, making

breathing impossible,

If they were just slightly less

stupid, they might've realized

they weren't having fun

they were dying,

So, this is another one of

those beautiful, classic

examples of social darwinism,

If you just happen to have the

right lack of common sense and

the right combination of genes,

you might actually end up in a

situation where, um, you have...

It's dead by chocolate,

Carl and Lenny,

Stupid is as stupid dies,

What is it about hospitals?

Don't you get the feeling as

soon as you walk in... Someone

somewhere is having sex?

Well, what're we gonna be

examining today?

Oh, all this,

That's because it's True,

Take dr, Montagno, here,

Do we have an increased heart

rate?

He and his bombshell nurse go

at it all day long,

Interrupted every now and then

by an annoying patient,

Dr,

Montagno, your next patient is

ready,

Oh, not the first time,

Just turn your head towards

me,

This way?

Mr, O'Brien is here for a

brain x-Ray,

Okay, is this gonna hurt?

Not at all,

It's just gonna take a moment,

I'll be right back, okay?

Okay, sure,

But even that hardly slows

down our oversexed healthcare

professionals,

What the...?

Can... Can you guys see me?

Huh,

As peepshows go, this was a

good one,

Well, this certainly looks

like a fun place to work,

Oh, yeah,

Mr, O'Brien was getting

turned on,

Oh, yeah... Oh, pick her up,

pick her up,

Spin around, baby... All righty,

The problem was so was the

x- Ray machine,

Nurse bombshell's magnificent

rear End was accidentally

rear-ending the on button,

constant bombardment by

x- Rays is a bad thing to do to

someone's brain,

Very bad,

For the next 20 minutes, Mr,

O'Brien's brain is like an egg

in a diner,

Fried,

If somebody is exposed to

constant radiation for 20-30

minutes, if you extrapolate that

to a lifetime dose, that would

be two lifetimes worth of

radiation, which would be well

into the radiation levels

experienced by people exposed to

radiation at hiroshima,

Dr, Montagno and his nurse

have no idea they're cooking a

patient,

until it's too late,

Oh, my gosh,

Oh, my god, oh, my god,

Oh!

I think he's... We gotta get

some help,

We gotta go,

Our advice: Stay out of

hospitals,

Unless you're horny,

Coming up

a stock car race goes to hell

for the drivers,

Stock car racer Mike Easley

was just two laps into a 150-Lap

event when a racer's worst

nightmare took place,

Impact and fire,

I see smoke up ahead of me,

I got on the brakes, and my

spotter, which was my wife and

my daughter, both said Wreck

turn one,

Traveling at close to 100

miles per hour, the two cars in

front of Mike collided,

puncturing gas tanks and

spraying fuel everywhere,

In a few short seconds, Mike is

engulfed in flames,

The track crew responds, but

only with hand-Held fire

extinguishers, which are not

enough against the growing wall

of fire,

While the horrified crowd looks

on, racer Mike Easley emerges

from the fiery hell a human

fireball,

The emergency worker Empties out

his fire extinguisher, But Mike

continues to burn,

Mike tries rolling on the ground

to put out the flames, but winds

up dousing himself in more

high-Octane racing fuel,

I couldn't believe that

nobody'd put me out,

I opened my eyes, I looked

around, and people were still

running from me,

I took a breath, dropped to my

knees, and basically kissed her

goodbye,

At this point, Mike's been on

fire for 45 long seconds,

His fire suit is designed to

handle only 20,

The crew returns with a second

round of fire extinguishers,

After a minute and a half, 90

scorching seconds of being

covered head to toe in flames,

Mike's fire is finally

extinguished,

To the astonishment of everyone,

Mike is still alive,

Mike had third-Degree burns over

45% of his body,

He was alive, but he wasn't done

with death just yet,

I died twice in the ambulance

going to... to Madigan hospital,

I died one more time at harbor

view,

I was given the paddles three

times,

My heart stopped,

Not many people get to die

three times and then live to

talk about it,

It's my philosophy on life

that dying is easy, living's the

hard part,