1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 5 - Dead and Deader - full transcript

Okay, deadheads,

It's time to count your

blessings and be thankful you're

watching this show, and not in

it,

that's more than we can say

for this maniac who's always

looking for a better buzz,

And how 'bout the man who

thought he was taking home a

hottie, but wound up taking in a



stray bullet instead?

Have you been a bad boy?

Need a drink?

Keep it comin',

it's time to air out the

double-Wide and keep your eye on

the prize,

And that's how you do it!

It's the next episode of

1,000 ways to die,

Death is everywhere,

Most of us try to avoid it,

others can't get out of its way,

Every day, we fight a new war



against germs, toxins, injury,

illness, and catastrophe,

There's a lot of ways to wind up

dead,

The fact that we survive at all

is a Miracle,

Because every day we live,,,

we face 1,000 ways to die,

life, as John Cook saw it,

was one long, obscene gesture,

He was only too happy to oblige,

he was the ultimate

adrenaline junkie, always

looking for the next fix,

This kind of person or kind

of personality type, it seems to

require thrills, a higher set

point,

They seem to need to take

constant risk to move things

forward, to expand the horizons,

some people are addicted to

it,

his customized bikes and edgy

metal sculptures brought in more

than enough coin for John's

needs,

what money didn't give him, his

sweet and twisted Tess did,

She knew how to push his

buttons,

Somebody putting themselves

repeatedly in harm's way is

likely to be addicted to the

neurochemical bang they get,

Cook wanted more Bang for his

buck,

Tess obliged by attaching a

welding machine to his stainless

steel ear piercings,

But Tess would only take it so

far,

If John was really going to push

his envelope, he'd have to

deliver it himself,

the brain, the spinal cord,

and the heart use electricity in

which to function,

When 130 amps of raw current

rip through the body, the heart

is the first organ to short out,

If there is, um, a death from

an electric shock or from a

lightning strike, it's because

of cardiac arrest,

To anyone who knew John Cook,

his death came as no shock,

Chuck had a simple dream,

With Roxanne he scored the love

of his life,

Then he struck silver with a

1952 royal spartanette trailer

home,

Perfect,

But before he went mobile, he

had to make his love shack

shine,

Baby, we are great together,

Here we go,

a dirty job, but not for

Chuck,

All he had to do was think of

motoring down the highway with

Roxanne by his side, and he was

the happiest Camper in a Camper,

Perfect,

One last thing,

And it wasn't pretty,

This is not working,

come on, baby,

It seems Chuck's new home was

carrying a heavy load,

,,,or loads,

Oh, what farm animal lived

here?

Oh!

56 years worth of corn dogs,

pork rinds, and untold gallons

of cheap beer had solidified

into the mother of all logjams,

Uh, this is not working,

I've got just the thing,,,

chemical warfare was the only

answer,

Chuck poured a gallon of bleach

down the trailer's poop chute,

And waited,

From the darkness below came a

response,

Aah!

if you're pouring a gallon of

bleach into a septic tank that's

been sitting around a long time,

um, you're probably pouring it

into a solution that has

acidified over time,

Once the highly alkaline

bleach mixes with the acidic

sludge, it produces an explosion

of chlorine gas,

It's like a gas chamber,

essentially,

overcome by lung-Searing

toxic fumes, Chuck went from

roadworthy to road kill,

All: Happy new year!

coming up,,,

a stray bullet that strayed too

far,

And a guy who really needed a

drink,

Aah,,,

bottoms up,

there's good luck, there's

bad luck, and then there's

Ronald,

Happy New year!

Imagine exiting a new year's

eve party with a hot date on

your arm and a night full of

possibilities in front of you,

So where's the next party at?

I think it's right down the

street,

Ow,

What happened?

Suddenly you feel a thud,

followed by a sharp, stinging

pain in your chest,

You fall down, and two minutes

later, you're dead,

Help!

That's what happened to our

friend Ronald,

It wasn't until after an autopsy

that the real reason for his

death was discovered,

Man, hurry up with them dogs,

man, they're taking you all

night,

In a neighborhood about a

kwami is getting his drink on

with his boys,

Here it goes,

15 seconds,

15 seconds,

And as the clock counts down

to midnight, kwami decides to

let loose,

All: Three, two, one!

Happy New year!

the bullet's gonna come out...

The muzzle velocity is somewhere

around 2,000 feet per second,

and it's probably gonna, you

know, go in the range of a half

a mile up into the air,

When it comes back down it's

going to reach terminal

velocity,

Ow,

Ow,

What happened?

What... is that blood?

Honey,,,

that bullet has more than

enough energy to penetrate

someone to do some really big

damage,

Hey!

Oh, my God,

It's a felony to fire a gun

into the air,

Stray bullets kill dozens of

americans every year,

The lesson: When the clock

strikes 12 on new year's eve,,,

Three, two, one!

duck,

All: Happy new year!

why is this man standing in

his bathroom doorway holding an

enema bag?

A simple question with a

complicated answer,

Mickey is a raging alcoholic

with a twist,

A recent throat operation has

left him unable to drink,

Clarissa, his long-Suffering

wife, has been doing her best to

keep him in line,

But she's no match for a

lifelong drunk going cold

turkey,

That brings us back to the enema

bag,

Alcoholics will go to extreme

lengths, drinking nail polish,

various things, just to get some

sort of alcohol in their body,

People will do all sorts of

things,

Mickey needed help with his Butt

bag cocktail,

At first, Clarissa resisted, but

he broke her down,

She rounded up a bottle of

Sherry, and dumped it into Mr,

Squishy,

Oh,,,

that's so cold,

The bar was now open,

And it's happy hour,

Damn, baby, this feels weird,

Is that enough?

Ugh,,,

the whole thing... Aah,,,

Oh,,,

ah, thank you,

Ah,,,

taking alcohol in the rectum,

um, it's very veinous,

There's a lot of, like, uh,

veins, so it can be absorbed

through the mucous membranes

inside the rectum,

Um, it goes into the system, but

it's gonna bypass the liver,

where it's normally broken down,

About 90% of alcohol is broken

down, when you drink, in the

liver,

Ooh,

Hold up, there, cowboy,

Are you okay?

Before he can get out of the

bathroom, Mickey is completely

hammered,

Clarissa beds him down, thinking

he'll sleep it off,

But not this time,

His blood alcohol level has shot

up to, 57,

Anything over, uh,,40 and up

will cause coma and death,

Mickey's drinking days are

over,

Up next,,,

School's out early when the gym

teacher gets something in his

eye,

And S, W, M, Tries S & M and winds

up D, O, A,

O, M, F, g,

For those of us who made it

through high school, we're

blessed with a lifetime of fond

memories,

Remember being bored?

being a nerd?

Remember Wondering why girls

didn't like you?

Best of all, remember the gym

teacher?

All right, you bunch of

misfits, I know it's hot, but we

have got some work to do,

Mr, Checkelsky here is a

classic example,

A blowhard with muscles,

Hey, listen up!

He can't believe the

collection of losers that stand

before him,

All right, come on, come on,

But he's got a job to DO:

Teach them how to throw a

javelin,

One hand, one hand,

Let's do it!

One by one, these special

olympians demonstrate the

results of bad diets and a

weakened Gene pool,

Come on,

This look like a musical to you?

What... what're you doing?

Finally Mr, Checkelsky's had

enough,

The time has come, as it always

does, for this alpha male to

prove his dominance,

>>,,,the tip goes forward,

Checkelsky was a good

athlete,

Displaying perfect form, he

gives a mighty heave, and lets

it fly,

pretty impressive,

That's how you throw a

javelin,

If he wasn't such a blowhard,

he'd still be winning arm

wrestling bets at the local

sports bar,

But checkelsky forgot the one

lesson teachers have been

screaming for all eternity:

Pay attention,

And that's how you do it!

Both: Coach?

Coach?

Coach?

Coach,

Quit playing with us, coach,

Dude,

Coach,

Coach, what're you doing?

Oh!

Sick!

Oh, that's rough,

This probably went very quick

'cause he probably would've lost

consciousness immediately,

In this case, it would've been

an aggressive, high-Impact

trauma,

Probably would've caused

bleeding,

That would've been the cause of

death,

A big hemorrhage into the brain

and death,

Dude, sick!

Dude,

Hey, don't take a picture,

Mr, Checkelsky's fatal error

cost him his life,

But one rule he followed to the

very end,,,

Keep your eye on the javelin,

Sam Rickey is a rarity,

A 32-year-Old virgin,

With his testicles going code

blue, he's gone to the red light

district for relief,

His house of love has a lot to

choose from,

Hmm,

Poca-Hot-Ass looks promising,

Can't go wrong with a French

maid,

You like?

Oh, yeah,

But when Sam gets to door

number three,,,

you've been a bad, bad boy,

His choice is made for him,

Miss misery has the answer to

all his needs,

as long as he obeys,

Shut up!

You will now do as I say,

Sam loves it,

He's itching with excitement,

Actually, he's itching for

another reason,

Sam never knew, but he has a

severe allergy to latex,

Just like an allergy to a Bee

sting or peanuts, if your immune

system doesn't like something,

it tells you,

Stop it!

Sam realizes something's

wrong,

Miss misery's been at this game

for a while, but she's rarely

seen any sub enjoy himself so

much,

She likes a good response, and

gives Sam her best stuff,

cry!

Cry!

Cry, baby, cry!

Cry!

Let me hear it!

it is incredibly possible

that she thought that he was

having a lot of fun and that was

his reaction,

I mean, when you play with

someone for the first time, you

honestly don't know what the

other person is capable of,

Totally immobilized by

chains, bound, and gagged, Sam

can't tell miss misery anything,

Shut up!

I said shut up!

Under the suit, Sam's

breaking out into hives all over

his body,

His eyes are burning, every inch

of his skin is covered in a

Rash,

Are we having fun yet?

This was probably a very

severe form of latex allergy,

It was quick and to the point,

If you could not get that

gentleman out of that suit

within seconds to minutes, there

would not have been anything to

do,

Finally, Sam goes into

anaphylactic shock,

Anaphylactic shock is the body's

response to a severe allergy,

blood pressure drops rapidly,

the heart rate slows, and

eventually stops, causing

complete circulatory arrest,

Unable to escape, the gimp goes

limp and dies,

When we come back, a hawaiian

vacation hits the rocks when a

swimmer goes down and never

comes up,

In the winter of 1993, while

vacationing in hawaii, tourist

Hugh Alexander was swept off a

slick volcanic cliff by a

700-Ton rogue wave,

While Hugh struggled to stay

afloat, another monster Wave

washed him into a moi hole... a

natural tunnel,

This one stretches more than 60

feet under the island,

It's pitch black-Dark, so you

have no idea where you're going,

There's no air, you know, it's

all water, and it keeps going up

and down like a washing machine,

and it's... It's dangerous,

When the water finally

receded, Hugh was nowhere to be

seen,

Rescuers arrived expecting to

extract a lifeless body,

A jet ski specially equipped to

save distressed swimmers is

dispatched,

Look down in the moi,

An hour passes with no sign

of Hugh,

As rescuers begin to give up

hope, Hugh suddenly appears

after being sucked back out by

the vicious undertow,

The lifeguards don't miss their

chance,

They circle the jet ski near

enough to Hugh so he can grab

the flotation device,

After emergency triage on the

beach, Hugh is medevacked to a

local hospital,

Miraculously, he only suffered

minor scrapes and bruises,

I guess he has a purpose in

this life and he wasn't supposed

to go yet,

There might be 1,000 ways to

die, but on this day, against

all odds, Hugh found a way to

live,