1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Lighter Side of Death - full transcript
1000 Ways to Die looks at the following cases: "#314 Dung For" a man sleeping with a farmer's daughter dies after being buried in manure, "#622 Brain Worms" a couple gets infected by parasites after eating a dinner of live snails, "#401 Abracadaver" a magician dies after his assistant shoots him during a bullet catch, "#429 Weed Whacked" two stoners die after smoking poison sumac, "#221 Rebel Without a Pulse" a Civil War deserter dies of a heart attack after a firing squad misses him, and "#510 Kill Basa" a man dies of a blood clot after hiding a sausage in his disco pants. It also looks at how a drag boat racer survive a gruesome crash.
Aim!
You wanna know the meaning
of life?
Whatever,
How about something really
important?
Fire!
What's on tv tonight?
Two dopers who find the ultimate
buzz-Kill,
A couple who like it raw,
when it comes to snails,
Then there's the one about the
farmer's daughter,
Hey!
And the guy who went out of
his way to meet women,
we've got a magician who runs
out of magic,
Way down south...
And a civil war story that'll
have you whistling Dixie,
Wanna know what's on tv tonight?
1000 ways to die,
death is everywhere,
Most of us try to avoid it,
others can't get out of it's
way,
every day, we fight a new war
against germs, toxins, injury,
illness, and catastophe,
there's a lot of ways to wind
up dead,
The fact that we survive at all
is a Miracle,
Because every day we live,
we face 1000 ways to die,
Did you hear the one about the
farmer's daughter?
You never heard this one,
Meet farmer John,
He's mean, dumb, and ugly,
This is his daughter, Daisy,
She's sweet and smokin' hot,
And this is Chester, the hired
hand,
He's looking to get a leg up
on Daisy,
if farmer John Knew anything at
all, it was animal husbandry,
All he wanted was to keep the
animals from husbanding his
daughter,
But when he heard a ruckus from
behind the hay Bales, he knew
his Daisy was about to get
planted,
Oh, yeah, baby,
Oh, Daisy,
Oh, oh, yeah, Daisy,
Oh, baby,
Hey!
Oh, no!
the Chase was on,
Chester was about to go from
stud to gelding,
Daisy was sad, because she lost
her Mount,
Oh...
Oh, aw, no!
Ah!
it's entirely possible that
he died from crush injuries,
suffered from the sheer weight
of the manure,
The methane gas that's produced
from the manure in the truck,
could have displaced the oxygen
that he would've normally needed
to breathe in and whatnot,
Chester payed the ultimate
price for trying to fertilize
Daisy,
Why does this always happen
to me?
Poor Daisy,
All she really wanted was a
stable relationship,
we've all been out on
bad dates,
But Monica and Hans are at
death's door because of the date
from hell,
And it all started in the
kitchen,
Hey,
Hey, you,
How are you?
Good, how are you?
Fantastic,
All Hans wanted was to get
in Monica's pants,
If he could impress her with his
culinary skills, he'd be home
free,
Though he couldn't boil water,
he had a plan,
All he needed was a bag of
ready-Made salad mix and a
surprise ingredient,
Just trust me,
Yes, they're snails,
Or, as the French say, escargot,
Monica had put a lot of raw
things in her mouth,
But snails?
But since Hans acted like he was
the iron chef, she was
impressed, or dumb enough to
trust him,
Okay, ready?
one, two, three,
Cheers,
It's not bad,
When Hans and Monica ate live
snails, parasites called
cantonese Bloodworms entered
their circulation...
and settled in their brains,
There, the worms began to make
a meal of their brain matter,
in terms of your brain, you
have many defenses to keep out
things, like bacteria and
viruses or any other worms that
might try and crawl up there,
This is one that the body's not
used to dealing with,
And so it seems to be able to
access the brain relatively
easily,
A week after their snail
sushi, Hans and Monica developed
crippling headaches and severe
nausea,
They checked into a hospital,
And now, they were teetering on
the Brink of sanity and death,
Oh, by the way, I'm gay,
Pretty much, the only reason I
even hooked up with you is
'cause you got the chest of a
12-year-Old boy,
I hate you,
I hate yo...
It was too late for Monica to
grasp that she was dying for
trusting a wanna-Be metrosexual,
and all she had done was eat
his salad,
when we return, the trick to
this trick is you only get to
do it once,
Ah, joint,
And there's a reason they
call dope "Dope,"
you dope,
I'm ready,
Would you stand on a stage,
ready to catch a bullet in your
teeth, fired by your angry
ex-Girlfriend?
meet the great dolphino,
Dolph Scott was a no-Talent
Hack who put audiences to
sleep...
thank you,
In backwater towns all across
the country,
He had a fling with his "Ta-Da"
Girl, mandaleet,
Would you give me the bullet?
But she grew tired of this
bumbling trickster,
After this performance, mandalee
had a one-Way ticket back to
vegas,
thank you,
that's why when he was about
to perform the infamous
bullet-Catch trick, the stage
was set with hidden drama,
Thank you,
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
for my final trick, I give you
the bullet-Catch,
the gun,
The bullet-Catch is probably
one of the most deadly effects
in magic,
And I would never perform it,
The bullet-Catch was a
dangerous stunt,
A lot could go wrong,
Hidden from the audience,
dolphino places a real bullet
in his mouth,
Mandaleet takes a pistol loaded
with Blanks, and puts it on
display,
Nooku-Nooku...
Dolphino mumbles some
gibberish,
taps his wand,
Apu-Ah!
Mandaleet fires, and dolphino
produces a fake bullet,
Mandaleet,
I'm ready,
Mandaleet took dead aim,
pointing a gun at the one person
she detested over all others,
ah!
dolphino dropped to the floor
as dead as his act,
But mandaleet wasn't guilty
of murder...
Just wishful thinking,
When dolphino tapped the gun,
the tip of his wand dropped
unseen down into the barrel,
Mandaleet pulled the trigger,
and the explosive force produced
by the Blank was enough to send
the tip hurtling into his neck,
severing his jugular vein,
uh! Ah!
It all went horribly wrong,
But his final trick produced
some real magic,
The entire audience was awake
and applauding the late, great,
dolphino,
I can't breathe,
On february 8, 2002,
investigators found two young
men lying dead with a video
camera close by,
The confiscated tape reveals a
very stupid and avoidable death,
Yeah,
We got papers, we have lighters,
we have pipes, but we don't have
weed,
No weed,
The two men were desperate
stoners who had run out of their
precious marijuana,
Man, I'll suck some
for some weed right now, man,
As the tape shows, they set
out to sample anything they
thought could provide a buzz,
A little bit of this one,
We got some mustard...
Mustard plants here,
I don't know if I'm high or I
just feel really stupid right
now,
I think this situation is
almost the most classic example
of social darwinism,
The two potheads were so
desperate, they actually tried
smoking horse droppings,
You try out different plants,
and you see how you react to
them, and if it's safe, you eat
more of them,
If it's not safe,
you leave them alone,
Finally, as the tape shows,
the young dopers made a
discovery,
I'll be damned if we don't
get high off this,
An unknown green plant they
were certain would get them
high,
Fat joint,
that's... That's the taste of
glory, right there,
This is the kind of behavior
that we have exhibited for many,
many centuries,
but this is not appropriate
now anymore,
We don't live in nature anymore,
we live in Cities,
Broseph, I think something's
wrong,
the misguided youths didn't
realize that they had just
smoked the leaves of poison
sumac, the most toxic plant
species in the United States,
It caused their lung cavities to
swell up and fill with liquid,
a reaction known as pulmonary
edema,
Edema is swelling,
Pulmonary is lungs,
The lungs are made up of air
sacs,
If you fill those air sacs with
fluid, air can't get into the
air sac, and therefore gases
can't be exchanged across the
membrane of that air sac,
desperate to get high, these
two stoners made some very
stupid decisions,
That's why they call it "Dope,"
Coming up...
aim...
one day, the south will rise
again,
Fire!
Just not on this show,
And is that a sausage in your
pants, or are you just happy to
be watching 1,000 ways to die?
♪ way down south ♪
♪ in the land of cotton ♪
the civil war Had been over
for two years, but somehow this
ragtag group of rebel soldiers
never got the message,
All:
♪ way down south in Dixie ♪
But private Willy Holmes got
sick of the delusion that Johnny
would someday come marching home
in victory,
Caught trying to sneak away,
Willy was branded a deserter and
sentenced to death by firing
squad,
Having battled side-By-Side with
him since the beginning of the
war, his buddies were now faced
with the unpleasant duty of
whacking their beloved Willy,
Present,
On,
Their hard-Ass colonel wasn't
about to let Willy off the hook,
Hold up,
On,
The only medal Willy was
going to get were four lead
slugs in the chest,
Ready...
Aim...
fire!
but a funny thing happened on
the way to Willy's execution,
Everyone fired...
what the...?
and everyone missed,
Not a mark on him,
And even funnier...
he's dead!
Something is definitely not
right, here,
The civil war Soldier clearly
thought he was gonna be shot,
and I think that was a
tremendous expectation for that
one auditory stimulus,
Crack goes the shot, pain, and
death,
Adrenaline levels secreted
from Willy's nervous system
spiked off the charts as he
imagined the bullets riddling
his body,
It was like a lightning Bolt to
his heart,
Just ain't right,
He suffered a massive
coronary and died without a
scratch,
Let's get a burial detail out
here,
Save his shoes,
All: ♪ away, away ♪
someday the south may rise
again,
But you can be sure Willy never
will,
All: ♪ Away down south ♪
♪ in Dixie ♪
disco Donnie Del Noche is
obsessed with size,
He spent his whole life being
laughed at by men in the locker
room and by women in the
bedroom,
Tonight he's fighting back,
His choice of weapon... a 12-Inch
kielbasa,
I think the kind of guy that
does that is someone who feels
unbelievably unsure of
themselves and really, really
insecure,
He gets his meat missile in
place, ties it down with Some
surgical tubing, and off he
goes, ready to hit the club...
with his club,
It's like he always dreamed it
would be,
All eyes are drawn to Donnie's
overstuffed crotch,
For four long...
really long hours, Donnie is the
man,
One by one, the girls take turns
paying tribute to Donnie's
salami,
There's enough for everyone,
Well, almost,
Instead of him saying,
"here's who I really am as a
man," he's creating this fake
penis and wanting to get
attention by how big it is,
If a woman is attracted to that,
hypothetically, he's gonna take
her home and show him... Show her
his sausage?
Suddenly, at the height of
his triumph, something's wrong,
It's like 1,000 scalpels are
stabbing at his chest,
His boogie night starts to blur,
There's no way that you can
tourniquet off any limb of your
body for hours without having
horrible consequences,
He drops to the dance floor,
Disco Donnie is dead,
You get a clot in the leg
because you've got this rubber
hose tied to your leg, so that
leg is not getting any
circulation,
That clot slowly makes its way
up into the heart, makes its way
into the lung, gets lodged into
the lung,
You end up dying of a massive
pulmonary embolism because the
blood can't get to the lung
where it's supposed to,
For Donnie, size mattered,
A little too much,
But for one night, this tiny,
tiny man Had something special
between his legs,
Something to die for,
Boats belong in the water,
Bad things happen When they
break that rule,
Very bad,
See what happens next on 1,000
ways to die,
At speeds in excess of 150
miles an hour, with no brakes
and no parachute, drag boat
racing is one of the most
dangerous sports in the world,
Veteran racer Sonny moon is
about to find out how dangerous,
My boat was what they call a
hydroplane,
About 19 feet,
It had a 557 cubic inch engine,
a little over 1,000 horsepower,
It's riding on a cushion of air,
In the red boat on the left,
Sonny takes off at the nationals
race at firebird lake, arizona,
As his opponent takes the lead,
Sonny punches the throttle,
Just feeling good, you know,
had a good run,
I clocked 155, but when I let
off the accelerator, it kept
going,
Sonny's throttle is stuck in
the worst place possible...
wide open,
I tried the mercy switch, I
tried the carburetors... To cut
those off,
Neither of 'em worked,
I tried to turn it, which was
ridiculous,
It scared me,
Headed toward certain death
if the boat hits shore, Sonny
makes a daring decision to ditch
the boat,
I stood up to try to get out
and couldn't get out,
So I clawed off side... to the
side,
I threw myself back toward the
engine and rolled off to the...
To the right side,
I thought I was a goner,
Hitting the water at 150
miles an hour, Sonny was
instantly knocked unconscious,
His boat launched 50 feet into
the air, into a 75,000 volt
power line,
Had I not been able to get
outta the boat, I woulda been
going up in the boat, hit with
the highline wire,
I woulda been electrocuted,
You wanna know the meaning
of life?
Whatever,
How about something really
important?
Fire!
What's on tv tonight?
Two dopers who find the ultimate
buzz-Kill,
A couple who like it raw,
when it comes to snails,
Then there's the one about the
farmer's daughter,
Hey!
And the guy who went out of
his way to meet women,
we've got a magician who runs
out of magic,
Way down south...
And a civil war story that'll
have you whistling Dixie,
Wanna know what's on tv tonight?
1000 ways to die,
death is everywhere,
Most of us try to avoid it,
others can't get out of it's
way,
every day, we fight a new war
against germs, toxins, injury,
illness, and catastophe,
there's a lot of ways to wind
up dead,
The fact that we survive at all
is a Miracle,
Because every day we live,
we face 1000 ways to die,
Did you hear the one about the
farmer's daughter?
You never heard this one,
Meet farmer John,
He's mean, dumb, and ugly,
This is his daughter, Daisy,
She's sweet and smokin' hot,
And this is Chester, the hired
hand,
He's looking to get a leg up
on Daisy,
if farmer John Knew anything at
all, it was animal husbandry,
All he wanted was to keep the
animals from husbanding his
daughter,
But when he heard a ruckus from
behind the hay Bales, he knew
his Daisy was about to get
planted,
Oh, yeah, baby,
Oh, Daisy,
Oh, oh, yeah, Daisy,
Oh, baby,
Hey!
Oh, no!
the Chase was on,
Chester was about to go from
stud to gelding,
Daisy was sad, because she lost
her Mount,
Oh...
Oh, aw, no!
Ah!
it's entirely possible that
he died from crush injuries,
suffered from the sheer weight
of the manure,
The methane gas that's produced
from the manure in the truck,
could have displaced the oxygen
that he would've normally needed
to breathe in and whatnot,
Chester payed the ultimate
price for trying to fertilize
Daisy,
Why does this always happen
to me?
Poor Daisy,
All she really wanted was a
stable relationship,
we've all been out on
bad dates,
But Monica and Hans are at
death's door because of the date
from hell,
And it all started in the
kitchen,
Hey,
Hey, you,
How are you?
Good, how are you?
Fantastic,
All Hans wanted was to get
in Monica's pants,
If he could impress her with his
culinary skills, he'd be home
free,
Though he couldn't boil water,
he had a plan,
All he needed was a bag of
ready-Made salad mix and a
surprise ingredient,
Just trust me,
Yes, they're snails,
Or, as the French say, escargot,
Monica had put a lot of raw
things in her mouth,
But snails?
But since Hans acted like he was
the iron chef, she was
impressed, or dumb enough to
trust him,
Okay, ready?
one, two, three,
Cheers,
It's not bad,
When Hans and Monica ate live
snails, parasites called
cantonese Bloodworms entered
their circulation...
and settled in their brains,
There, the worms began to make
a meal of their brain matter,
in terms of your brain, you
have many defenses to keep out
things, like bacteria and
viruses or any other worms that
might try and crawl up there,
This is one that the body's not
used to dealing with,
And so it seems to be able to
access the brain relatively
easily,
A week after their snail
sushi, Hans and Monica developed
crippling headaches and severe
nausea,
They checked into a hospital,
And now, they were teetering on
the Brink of sanity and death,
Oh, by the way, I'm gay,
Pretty much, the only reason I
even hooked up with you is
'cause you got the chest of a
12-year-Old boy,
I hate you,
I hate yo...
It was too late for Monica to
grasp that she was dying for
trusting a wanna-Be metrosexual,
and all she had done was eat
his salad,
when we return, the trick to
this trick is you only get to
do it once,
Ah, joint,
And there's a reason they
call dope "Dope,"
you dope,
I'm ready,
Would you stand on a stage,
ready to catch a bullet in your
teeth, fired by your angry
ex-Girlfriend?
meet the great dolphino,
Dolph Scott was a no-Talent
Hack who put audiences to
sleep...
thank you,
In backwater towns all across
the country,
He had a fling with his "Ta-Da"
Girl, mandaleet,
Would you give me the bullet?
But she grew tired of this
bumbling trickster,
After this performance, mandalee
had a one-Way ticket back to
vegas,
thank you,
that's why when he was about
to perform the infamous
bullet-Catch trick, the stage
was set with hidden drama,
Thank you,
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
for my final trick, I give you
the bullet-Catch,
the gun,
The bullet-Catch is probably
one of the most deadly effects
in magic,
And I would never perform it,
The bullet-Catch was a
dangerous stunt,
A lot could go wrong,
Hidden from the audience,
dolphino places a real bullet
in his mouth,
Mandaleet takes a pistol loaded
with Blanks, and puts it on
display,
Nooku-Nooku...
Dolphino mumbles some
gibberish,
taps his wand,
Apu-Ah!
Mandaleet fires, and dolphino
produces a fake bullet,
Mandaleet,
I'm ready,
Mandaleet took dead aim,
pointing a gun at the one person
she detested over all others,
ah!
dolphino dropped to the floor
as dead as his act,
But mandaleet wasn't guilty
of murder...
Just wishful thinking,
When dolphino tapped the gun,
the tip of his wand dropped
unseen down into the barrel,
Mandaleet pulled the trigger,
and the explosive force produced
by the Blank was enough to send
the tip hurtling into his neck,
severing his jugular vein,
uh! Ah!
It all went horribly wrong,
But his final trick produced
some real magic,
The entire audience was awake
and applauding the late, great,
dolphino,
I can't breathe,
On february 8, 2002,
investigators found two young
men lying dead with a video
camera close by,
The confiscated tape reveals a
very stupid and avoidable death,
Yeah,
We got papers, we have lighters,
we have pipes, but we don't have
weed,
No weed,
The two men were desperate
stoners who had run out of their
precious marijuana,
Man, I'll suck some
for some weed right now, man,
As the tape shows, they set
out to sample anything they
thought could provide a buzz,
A little bit of this one,
We got some mustard...
Mustard plants here,
I don't know if I'm high or I
just feel really stupid right
now,
I think this situation is
almost the most classic example
of social darwinism,
The two potheads were so
desperate, they actually tried
smoking horse droppings,
You try out different plants,
and you see how you react to
them, and if it's safe, you eat
more of them,
If it's not safe,
you leave them alone,
Finally, as the tape shows,
the young dopers made a
discovery,
I'll be damned if we don't
get high off this,
An unknown green plant they
were certain would get them
high,
Fat joint,
that's... That's the taste of
glory, right there,
This is the kind of behavior
that we have exhibited for many,
many centuries,
but this is not appropriate
now anymore,
We don't live in nature anymore,
we live in Cities,
Broseph, I think something's
wrong,
the misguided youths didn't
realize that they had just
smoked the leaves of poison
sumac, the most toxic plant
species in the United States,
It caused their lung cavities to
swell up and fill with liquid,
a reaction known as pulmonary
edema,
Edema is swelling,
Pulmonary is lungs,
The lungs are made up of air
sacs,
If you fill those air sacs with
fluid, air can't get into the
air sac, and therefore gases
can't be exchanged across the
membrane of that air sac,
desperate to get high, these
two stoners made some very
stupid decisions,
That's why they call it "Dope,"
Coming up...
aim...
one day, the south will rise
again,
Fire!
Just not on this show,
And is that a sausage in your
pants, or are you just happy to
be watching 1,000 ways to die?
♪ way down south ♪
♪ in the land of cotton ♪
the civil war Had been over
for two years, but somehow this
ragtag group of rebel soldiers
never got the message,
All:
♪ way down south in Dixie ♪
But private Willy Holmes got
sick of the delusion that Johnny
would someday come marching home
in victory,
Caught trying to sneak away,
Willy was branded a deserter and
sentenced to death by firing
squad,
Having battled side-By-Side with
him since the beginning of the
war, his buddies were now faced
with the unpleasant duty of
whacking their beloved Willy,
Present,
On,
Their hard-Ass colonel wasn't
about to let Willy off the hook,
Hold up,
On,
The only medal Willy was
going to get were four lead
slugs in the chest,
Ready...
Aim...
fire!
but a funny thing happened on
the way to Willy's execution,
Everyone fired...
what the...?
and everyone missed,
Not a mark on him,
And even funnier...
he's dead!
Something is definitely not
right, here,
The civil war Soldier clearly
thought he was gonna be shot,
and I think that was a
tremendous expectation for that
one auditory stimulus,
Crack goes the shot, pain, and
death,
Adrenaline levels secreted
from Willy's nervous system
spiked off the charts as he
imagined the bullets riddling
his body,
It was like a lightning Bolt to
his heart,
Just ain't right,
He suffered a massive
coronary and died without a
scratch,
Let's get a burial detail out
here,
Save his shoes,
All: ♪ away, away ♪
someday the south may rise
again,
But you can be sure Willy never
will,
All: ♪ Away down south ♪
♪ in Dixie ♪
disco Donnie Del Noche is
obsessed with size,
He spent his whole life being
laughed at by men in the locker
room and by women in the
bedroom,
Tonight he's fighting back,
His choice of weapon... a 12-Inch
kielbasa,
I think the kind of guy that
does that is someone who feels
unbelievably unsure of
themselves and really, really
insecure,
He gets his meat missile in
place, ties it down with Some
surgical tubing, and off he
goes, ready to hit the club...
with his club,
It's like he always dreamed it
would be,
All eyes are drawn to Donnie's
overstuffed crotch,
For four long...
really long hours, Donnie is the
man,
One by one, the girls take turns
paying tribute to Donnie's
salami,
There's enough for everyone,
Well, almost,
Instead of him saying,
"here's who I really am as a
man," he's creating this fake
penis and wanting to get
attention by how big it is,
If a woman is attracted to that,
hypothetically, he's gonna take
her home and show him... Show her
his sausage?
Suddenly, at the height of
his triumph, something's wrong,
It's like 1,000 scalpels are
stabbing at his chest,
His boogie night starts to blur,
There's no way that you can
tourniquet off any limb of your
body for hours without having
horrible consequences,
He drops to the dance floor,
Disco Donnie is dead,
You get a clot in the leg
because you've got this rubber
hose tied to your leg, so that
leg is not getting any
circulation,
That clot slowly makes its way
up into the heart, makes its way
into the lung, gets lodged into
the lung,
You end up dying of a massive
pulmonary embolism because the
blood can't get to the lung
where it's supposed to,
For Donnie, size mattered,
A little too much,
But for one night, this tiny,
tiny man Had something special
between his legs,
Something to die for,
Boats belong in the water,
Bad things happen When they
break that rule,
Very bad,
See what happens next on 1,000
ways to die,
At speeds in excess of 150
miles an hour, with no brakes
and no parachute, drag boat
racing is one of the most
dangerous sports in the world,
Veteran racer Sonny moon is
about to find out how dangerous,
My boat was what they call a
hydroplane,
About 19 feet,
It had a 557 cubic inch engine,
a little over 1,000 horsepower,
It's riding on a cushion of air,
In the red boat on the left,
Sonny takes off at the nationals
race at firebird lake, arizona,
As his opponent takes the lead,
Sonny punches the throttle,
Just feeling good, you know,
had a good run,
I clocked 155, but when I let
off the accelerator, it kept
going,
Sonny's throttle is stuck in
the worst place possible...
wide open,
I tried the mercy switch, I
tried the carburetors... To cut
those off,
Neither of 'em worked,
I tried to turn it, which was
ridiculous,
It scared me,
Headed toward certain death
if the boat hits shore, Sonny
makes a daring decision to ditch
the boat,
I stood up to try to get out
and couldn't get out,
So I clawed off side... to the
side,
I threw myself back toward the
engine and rolled off to the...
To the right side,
I thought I was a goner,
Hitting the water at 150
miles an hour, Sonny was
instantly knocked unconscious,
His boat launched 50 feet into
the air, into a 75,000 volt
power line,
Had I not been able to get
outta the boat, I woulda been
going up in the boat, hit with
the highline wire,
I woulda been electrocuted,