1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Lighter Side of Death - full transcript

Aim!

You wanna know the meaning

of life?

Whatever,

How about something really

important?

Fire!

What's on tv tonight?

Two dopers who find the ultimate

buzz-Kill,

A couple who like it raw,



when it comes to snails,

Then there's the one about the

farmer's daughter,

Hey!

And the guy who went out of

his way to meet women,

we've got a magician who runs

out of magic,

Way down south...

And a civil war story that'll

have you whistling Dixie,

Wanna know what's on tv tonight?

1000 ways to die,

death is everywhere,



Most of us try to avoid it,

others can't get out of it's

way,

every day, we fight a new war

against germs, toxins, injury,

illness, and catastophe,

there's a lot of ways to wind

up dead,

The fact that we survive at all

is a Miracle,

Because every day we live,

we face 1000 ways to die,

Did you hear the one about the

farmer's daughter?

You never heard this one,

Meet farmer John,

He's mean, dumb, and ugly,

This is his daughter, Daisy,

She's sweet and smokin' hot,

And this is Chester, the hired

hand,

He's looking to get a leg up

on Daisy,

if farmer John Knew anything at

all, it was animal husbandry,

All he wanted was to keep the

animals from husbanding his

daughter,

But when he heard a ruckus from

behind the hay Bales, he knew

his Daisy was about to get

planted,

Oh, yeah, baby,

Oh, Daisy,

Oh, oh, yeah, Daisy,

Oh, baby,

Hey!

Oh, no!

the Chase was on,

Chester was about to go from

stud to gelding,

Daisy was sad, because she lost

her Mount,

Oh...

Oh, aw, no!

Ah!

it's entirely possible that

he died from crush injuries,

suffered from the sheer weight

of the manure,

The methane gas that's produced

from the manure in the truck,

could have displaced the oxygen

that he would've normally needed

to breathe in and whatnot,

Chester payed the ultimate

price for trying to fertilize

Daisy,

Why does this always happen

to me?

Poor Daisy,

All she really wanted was a

stable relationship,

we've all been out on

bad dates,

But Monica and Hans are at

death's door because of the date

from hell,

And it all started in the

kitchen,

Hey,

Hey, you,

How are you?

Good, how are you?

Fantastic,

All Hans wanted was to get

in Monica's pants,

If he could impress her with his

culinary skills, he'd be home

free,

Though he couldn't boil water,

he had a plan,

All he needed was a bag of

ready-Made salad mix and a

surprise ingredient,

Just trust me,

Yes, they're snails,

Or, as the French say, escargot,

Monica had put a lot of raw

things in her mouth,

But snails?

But since Hans acted like he was

the iron chef, she was

impressed, or dumb enough to

trust him,

Okay, ready?

one, two, three,

Cheers,

It's not bad,

When Hans and Monica ate live

snails, parasites called

cantonese Bloodworms entered

their circulation...

and settled in their brains,

There, the worms began to make

a meal of their brain matter,

in terms of your brain, you

have many defenses to keep out

things, like bacteria and

viruses or any other worms that

might try and crawl up there,

This is one that the body's not

used to dealing with,

And so it seems to be able to

access the brain relatively

easily,

A week after their snail

sushi, Hans and Monica developed

crippling headaches and severe

nausea,

They checked into a hospital,

And now, they were teetering on

the Brink of sanity and death,

Oh, by the way, I'm gay,

Pretty much, the only reason I

even hooked up with you is

'cause you got the chest of a

12-year-Old boy,

I hate you,

I hate yo...

It was too late for Monica to

grasp that she was dying for

trusting a wanna-Be metrosexual,

and all she had done was eat

his salad,

when we return, the trick to

this trick is you only get to

do it once,

Ah, joint,

And there's a reason they

call dope "Dope,"

you dope,

I'm ready,

Would you stand on a stage,

ready to catch a bullet in your

teeth, fired by your angry

ex-Girlfriend?

meet the great dolphino,

Dolph Scott was a no-Talent

Hack who put audiences to

sleep...

thank you,

In backwater towns all across

the country,

He had a fling with his "Ta-Da"

Girl, mandaleet,

Would you give me the bullet?

But she grew tired of this

bumbling trickster,

After this performance, mandalee

had a one-Way ticket back to

vegas,

thank you,

that's why when he was about

to perform the infamous

bullet-Catch trick, the stage

was set with hidden drama,

Thank you,

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

for my final trick, I give you

the bullet-Catch,

the gun,

The bullet-Catch is probably

one of the most deadly effects

in magic,

And I would never perform it,

The bullet-Catch was a

dangerous stunt,

A lot could go wrong,

Hidden from the audience,

dolphino places a real bullet

in his mouth,

Mandaleet takes a pistol loaded

with Blanks, and puts it on

display,

Nooku-Nooku...

Dolphino mumbles some

gibberish,

taps his wand,

Apu-Ah!

Mandaleet fires, and dolphino

produces a fake bullet,

Mandaleet,

I'm ready,

Mandaleet took dead aim,

pointing a gun at the one person

she detested over all others,

ah!

dolphino dropped to the floor

as dead as his act,

But mandaleet wasn't guilty

of murder...

Just wishful thinking,

When dolphino tapped the gun,

the tip of his wand dropped

unseen down into the barrel,

Mandaleet pulled the trigger,

and the explosive force produced

by the Blank was enough to send

the tip hurtling into his neck,

severing his jugular vein,

uh! Ah!

It all went horribly wrong,

But his final trick produced

some real magic,

The entire audience was awake

and applauding the late, great,

dolphino,

I can't breathe,

On february 8, 2002,

investigators found two young

men lying dead with a video

camera close by,

The confiscated tape reveals a

very stupid and avoidable death,

Yeah,

We got papers, we have lighters,

we have pipes, but we don't have

weed,

No weed,

The two men were desperate

stoners who had run out of their

precious marijuana,

Man, I'll suck some

for some weed right now, man,

As the tape shows, they set

out to sample anything they

thought could provide a buzz,

A little bit of this one,

We got some mustard...

Mustard plants here,

I don't know if I'm high or I

just feel really stupid right

now,

I think this situation is

almost the most classic example

of social darwinism,

The two potheads were so

desperate, they actually tried

smoking horse droppings,

You try out different plants,

and you see how you react to

them, and if it's safe, you eat

more of them,

If it's not safe,

you leave them alone,

Finally, as the tape shows,

the young dopers made a

discovery,

I'll be damned if we don't

get high off this,

An unknown green plant they

were certain would get them

high,

Fat joint,

that's... That's the taste of

glory, right there,

This is the kind of behavior

that we have exhibited for many,

many centuries,

but this is not appropriate

now anymore,

We don't live in nature anymore,

we live in Cities,

Broseph, I think something's

wrong,

the misguided youths didn't

realize that they had just

smoked the leaves of poison

sumac, the most toxic plant

species in the United States,

It caused their lung cavities to

swell up and fill with liquid,

a reaction known as pulmonary

edema,

Edema is swelling,

Pulmonary is lungs,

The lungs are made up of air

sacs,

If you fill those air sacs with

fluid, air can't get into the

air sac, and therefore gases

can't be exchanged across the

membrane of that air sac,

desperate to get high, these

two stoners made some very

stupid decisions,

That's why they call it "Dope,"

Coming up...

aim...

one day, the south will rise

again,

Fire!

Just not on this show,

And is that a sausage in your

pants, or are you just happy to

be watching 1,000 ways to die?

♪ way down south ♪

♪ in the land of cotton ♪

the civil war Had been over

for two years, but somehow this

ragtag group of rebel soldiers

never got the message,

All:

♪ way down south in Dixie ♪

But private Willy Holmes got

sick of the delusion that Johnny

would someday come marching home

in victory,

Caught trying to sneak away,

Willy was branded a deserter and

sentenced to death by firing

squad,

Having battled side-By-Side with

him since the beginning of the

war, his buddies were now faced

with the unpleasant duty of

whacking their beloved Willy,

Present,

On,

Their hard-Ass colonel wasn't

about to let Willy off the hook,

Hold up,

On,

The only medal Willy was

going to get were four lead

slugs in the chest,

Ready...

Aim...

fire!

but a funny thing happened on

the way to Willy's execution,

Everyone fired...

what the...?

and everyone missed,

Not a mark on him,

And even funnier...

he's dead!

Something is definitely not

right, here,

The civil war Soldier clearly

thought he was gonna be shot,

and I think that was a

tremendous expectation for that

one auditory stimulus,

Crack goes the shot, pain, and

death,

Adrenaline levels secreted

from Willy's nervous system

spiked off the charts as he

imagined the bullets riddling

his body,

It was like a lightning Bolt to

his heart,

Just ain't right,

He suffered a massive

coronary and died without a

scratch,

Let's get a burial detail out

here,

Save his shoes,

All: ♪ away, away ♪

someday the south may rise

again,

But you can be sure Willy never

will,

All: ♪ Away down south ♪

♪ in Dixie ♪

disco Donnie Del Noche is

obsessed with size,

He spent his whole life being

laughed at by men in the locker

room and by women in the

bedroom,

Tonight he's fighting back,

His choice of weapon... a 12-Inch

kielbasa,

I think the kind of guy that

does that is someone who feels

unbelievably unsure of

themselves and really, really

insecure,

He gets his meat missile in

place, ties it down with Some

surgical tubing, and off he

goes, ready to hit the club...

with his club,

It's like he always dreamed it

would be,

All eyes are drawn to Donnie's

overstuffed crotch,

For four long...

really long hours, Donnie is the

man,

One by one, the girls take turns

paying tribute to Donnie's

salami,

There's enough for everyone,

Well, almost,

Instead of him saying,

"here's who I really am as a

man," he's creating this fake

penis and wanting to get

attention by how big it is,

If a woman is attracted to that,

hypothetically, he's gonna take

her home and show him... Show her

his sausage?

Suddenly, at the height of

his triumph, something's wrong,

It's like 1,000 scalpels are

stabbing at his chest,

His boogie night starts to blur,

There's no way that you can

tourniquet off any limb of your

body for hours without having

horrible consequences,

He drops to the dance floor,

Disco Donnie is dead,

You get a clot in the leg

because you've got this rubber

hose tied to your leg, so that

leg is not getting any

circulation,

That clot slowly makes its way

up into the heart, makes its way

into the lung, gets lodged into

the lung,

You end up dying of a massive

pulmonary embolism because the

blood can't get to the lung

where it's supposed to,

For Donnie, size mattered,

A little too much,

But for one night, this tiny,

tiny man Had something special

between his legs,

Something to die for,

Boats belong in the water,

Bad things happen When they

break that rule,

Very bad,

See what happens next on 1,000

ways to die,

At speeds in excess of 150

miles an hour, with no brakes

and no parachute, drag boat

racing is one of the most

dangerous sports in the world,

Veteran racer Sonny moon is

about to find out how dangerous,

My boat was what they call a

hydroplane,

About 19 feet,

It had a 557 cubic inch engine,

a little over 1,000 horsepower,

It's riding on a cushion of air,

In the red boat on the left,

Sonny takes off at the nationals

race at firebird lake, arizona,

As his opponent takes the lead,

Sonny punches the throttle,

Just feeling good, you know,

had a good run,

I clocked 155, but when I let

off the accelerator, it kept

going,

Sonny's throttle is stuck in

the worst place possible...

wide open,

I tried the mercy switch, I

tried the carburetors... To cut

those off,

Neither of 'em worked,

I tried to turn it, which was

ridiculous,

It scared me,

Headed toward certain death

if the boat hits shore, Sonny

makes a daring decision to ditch

the boat,

I stood up to try to get out

and couldn't get out,

So I clawed off side... to the

side,

I threw myself back toward the

engine and rolled off to the...

To the right side,

I thought I was a goner,

Hitting the water at 150

miles an hour, Sonny was

instantly knocked unconscious,

His boat launched 50 feet into

the air, into a 75,000 volt

power line,

Had I not been able to get

outta the boat, I woulda been

going up in the boat, hit with

the highline wire,

I woulda been electrocuted,