The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Night of the Deadly Bed - full transcript

West arrives to meet an informant. Before he can, an attempt is made on his life and the informant is blown up! The man's dying word, "Flory," is West's only clue to a plot that just might rewrite the map south of the Mexican border, and threaten the future of the United States...

Daddy, where...?

Uh, is Dr. Crane at home?

Uh, no, no. He isn't here yet.

Are you his daughter?

I'm a government agent.

Is something wrong?

Oh, no. This is just routine

regarding the arrangements
for your father's security.

May...? May I please
come in and wait for him?

Yeah. Thank you.

I'm awfully sorry it's so
late at night, Miss Crane,

but I'm sure you realize

how important your
father is to our government.

No, thank you.

Oh, yes, I...

I realize how important he is.

But I also know
that he isn't well,

and he should be
sleeping right now

instead of rushing off
to midnight meetings

with Secret Service agents.

Is that where your
father is right now?

Well, all I really
know is that he...

He received this message
from an agent named,

uh, West.

Not James West?

Well, yes. Do you know him?

He's a colleague of mine.

Did your father happen to say

where he was meeting
Agent West by any chance?

No, he... Well, all I know

is that it seemed
extremely urgent.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Would you like a cup of
tea while you're waiting?

No. No, thank you.

I think I'll be running along.

Good night. Good night.

Aah! No! No!


Did you find the girl, Artie?

No. Not a sign of her, Jim.

Great. Dr. Crane
and his daughter

are among the missing.

I think it's time we
did a little investigating.

I'd say it's a good idea.

So this is the great
Dr. Crane's lab, huh?

Would you say others
have been here before us?

What a mess.

Artie, how did that letter

Dr. Crane wrote to
the president go again?

Oh, something like, uh,

"I have every reason to believe
that my new explosives formula

could revolutionize
modern warfare."

Someone's been looking
very hard for that formula.

The question is,
did they find it?

Jim, take a look at that
grill on the wall, will you?

Hot air vent, right?
Central heating.

Of course. Central heating.

A potbellied stove.

There's not even
any discoloration here

from the heat.


something tells me this is
what they were looking for

and never found.

I got a feeling you're right.

Careful, Jim.

Those ampuls are
hermetically sealed.

That kind of seal is used
only for highly volatile,

extremely unstable chemicals.

That's good enough for me.

The Union Bar.


That's the name of the saloon

where Dr. Crane was
supposed to have met me,

according to the
memo he left behind.

Someone must have used my name.

What's on your mind, Artie?

No question about it. That
is what they were looking for

and couldn't find.

What are they?

The ingredients for
Dr. Crane's doomsday explosive.


But on the other hand,
we'll never know for sure

unless we, uh, check them out.

Dr. Crane's instructions
specifically state

that when those three
ingredients combine,

look out.

Artie, we are 500 yards away

from a remote triggering device.

Don't you think we're being

just a little overly cautious?

Yeah, maybe, but since
he described it to us

as a new Doomsday Formula,

I move that we just take
no unnecessary chances.

Do I have a second? Second.

Artie, are you ready
to, uh, test this thing?

Ready or not.

Doomsday Formula.

He certainly wasn't
overstating himself.

Can you imagine what it would
mean to our national security

if that formula ever fell into
the hands of a foreign power?

It may have already.


Dr. Crane.

The only man in the whole world
who can duplicate that explosion

is in someone's hands.

In that note Dr. Crane got,
where was the meeting set up?

The Union Bar.

Oh, hiya, doc.

How you doing?

Same table?

Uh, yes, of course. Naturally.

Good to see you
again, doc. What'll it be?

Uh, wait a minute,
doc. Is our bet still on?

Well, naturally. Good.

The doc bet that he could
drink me or any other man

under the table.
What are my odds?

Ha-ha. That's a
sucker bet, mister.

You got it made.

Oh, now see here,

I can hold my liquor
as well as any man.

Oh, come on, Doc.

Couple of those bombs
you had the other night,

they had to take
you out of here.

Uh, to be...

To be perfectly honest, uh,

I'm a little bit fuzzy
about the other night.

Bombs, you say?
What drink was that?

Shenandoahs. Don't you remember?

Ah, yes.

It's all coming back
to me now. Heh.

Well, what's it gonna be,
gentlemen? More of the same?

Uh, yes. More of
the same, please.

You look like it rang a bell.

Something on your mind, Jim?

Army days with Grant.

From time to time I'd
mingle with a small group

of officers from
the 7th Cavalry.

They called themselves
the Improbables.

They had a special drink
called the Shenandoah, right?

Right. It was a ritual.

After a death or
they'd won a skirmish,

they'd drink a toast
with the Shenandoahs.


Why don't I wire
Washington right now,

get the whereabouts
of every staff officer

in the 7th Cavalry?

Why don't you? I'll
backtrack from here.


What happened to Doc?

He's off on an errand of mercy.

That cane in your
umbrella stand,

the one with the weighted
tip that's hand-carved,

do you know who it belongs to?

Yeah, the guy Doc was
in with the other night.

Ramrod-type gent.
Always carries it.

He was in again last
night. He must have left it.

Thanks very much.


Come in, colonel, come in.

Sit down, won't you?
Be with you in a minute.

Just going over some
material from Dr. Crane's lab.

Hey, that's a new aftershave
lotion, huh, colonel?

What's it called?

It's called Veil of Cashmere.

Well, hello.

I must say it beats

the colonel's Bay
Rum All Hollow.

Oh, thank you. I'm Miss Scott,

Colonel Richmond's new
assistant. How do you do?

He asked me to drop
this data off to you.

Oh, yes, thanks.
Sit down, won't you?

Would you start reading
that for me, please?

I just have to
make these entries.

Uh, "Three of the 7th Cavalry
staff officer Improbables

"survived the war.

"Brigadier General
Garvin, seriously ill,

confined in a military
hospital the last year."

Well, we can scratch one. Go on.

Uh, "Colonel Dasant,

"military attaché to
the French embassy.

Out of the country
the past two years."

Well, scratch two.

"Major General Walter Kroll,

United States
Artillery, retired."

Well, don't just sit there

looking so
devastating, Miss Scott.

Please go on.

Um, "Very much alive.
Very much. In Denver now."

Oh? Doing what?

Uh, "Living the life
of a gentlemen farmer

on a modest country place
he calls Double Tree Farm."

And, uh, here's a footnote
that Colonel Richmond

thought might interest you.

Well, do go on, Miss
Scott. I'm all eyes. Uh, ears.

Um, "From time to time,
General Kroll entertains

"an interesting variety
of exotic foreigners

who come to visit him."

That is interesting. May I?


I see he's also a member
of the swank Hadrian Club.

Miss Scott, when you get back,

would you ask
the colonel, please,

to arrange a guest
membership for me?

A thousand pardons, effendi.


we have met before, I think.

I think you're mistaken.

Thank you.

What the devil do you want?

A thousand pardons, effendi.

Forgive me that I did
not recognize you earlier.

You are the man I have
traveled 5,000 miles to meet.

Who are you?

Hassan Amir Ortuglo.


Ortuglo. Yes.

And you are the
renowned General Kroll,

of whom I have heard so much.



From whom?

Oh, in Port Said there
is a certain importer

who speaks of your
merchandise with reverence.

In Calcutta there
is an organization

which shuns publicity,

yet which cheerfully
acknowledges the excellence

of your merchandise.
In Damascus...

That's enough.

What do you want?

The privilege of
also being permitted

to do business with you.

Not for myself, effendi.
May Allah forbid.

I am merely a humble catalyst

that brings, uh, people

and, uh, things together.

But for a certain buyer

who has a need of, uh,

mm, uh, specific
military products...

Uh, could you,
perhaps, guide me to it?

What's the name of your client?

Oh, effendi.

Do names matter to Allah?

He is a rich man
with much ambition,

but, alas, very few,

shall we say,
military resources.

Very sad, effendi.

Nothing quite so sad as a...

Well, an army so
small that it dare not

invade a neighbor protected
by fortress installations.

Is it not true?

He has need, at the moment,

of a certain explosive

with a greater power

than that of any other
explosive currently known.

What makes you
think I can supply that?

One ventures to hope, effendi.

You're wasting your time.

Ah, alas.

A terrible pity.

One half million dollars,

American money.

Only the first
installment, one might say.

But now...

Mr. Ortuglo.

Mr. Ortuglo,

occasionally I do hear

of new ordinance developments.

I'm leaving soon for my ranch.

If you'd care to be
my guest this evening,

I'll send a carriage
for you and we can...

I shall await the carriage
on the seventh plateau of joy.

Well, Doctor Crane?

No, doctor,

these excuses are
not good enough.

General, I've explained to you.

I am very well aware
that you've been stalling,

but there'll be no more of that.

Do you hear?


you know I have no
intention of putting

that kind of weapon
into your hands.

Not even to save your life?

I've already had
two massive attacks.

Every day, every hour I live,

is on borrowed time.


Lorna! Lorna!

She can neither
see you nor hear you.

This is Bismarck
glass. Clear on one side,

mirrored on the
other, and armored.

You see, this is the
annealing laboratory

where my armaments are
given various heat treatments.

Right now it's
doing double duty.

Let her go. Let her go.

Not until you give me
what I want, doctor.

Doctor, so far your daughter
has managed to survive

the plunge into the gas flames,

but soon she will tire.

Her sense of balance will waver,

and then...


Please. Let her go.

Of course. When you furnish me

with the information
which I desire.

One hour, doctor.

The formula and
a sample to test.

Who are you?

I'm a government agent
and I'm here to help.

We'd better go quickly.

Go? Where?

Back out through the vent.

I know you can make it, doctor.

I'll be behind you all the way.

No, no.

My daughter's in there.

You're going to hand
over your formula, doctor?

Doctor, you know
you can't do that.

I am doing it.

We tested the
explosive you left behind

in your laboratory in Denver.

Doomsday Formula, you called it

in your letter to
President Grant.

Whose doomsday,
doctor? Your country's?

I can't let her die.

Please listen to me.

He did give you an hour.

She may not last that long.

He's not gonna harm
your daughter until he gets

what he wants from you, doctor.

Even if you give
him what he wants,

you must realize
he'll never let you

or your daughter
out of here alive.

Doctor, give me
that hour, please,

to get your daughter
away safely.

One hour to save your daughter

and your country.



Come in, sir. Come in.

Mr. Ortuglo, I'm glad you came.

It is I who am ravished
by the honor, effendi.

Take Mr. Ortuglo's
bags to the guest room.

You'll join me in a drink.

Ah, with joy.

How perfect to
have a drink in hand

while discussing the
one perfect explosive.

You don't waste time, do you?

Oh, forgive me, effendi,

but to waste time is to lose it,

and my people believe
that time, once lost,

can never again be recovered.

One hour, Mr. Ortuglo.

In one hour, I can promise you,

you will have what you came for.

I drink to the bliss
of that moment.

And then upon these grape leaves

are placed crushed
almonds and honey.

Mm, fascinating.

And then it is all rolled...

General, general!

There's an intruder!

I'll be right with you.

Mr. Ortuglo,

your trip to the ranch
must've been tiring.

Perhaps you'd care
to refresh yourself,

rest for a few
minutes in your room?

Ah. A most excellent
and thoughtful suggestion.

And then perhaps
we can consummate

our business arrangements
with a late supper,

in an hour or so, if
that's agreeable to you.

I am overcome with
happiness at the prospect.

This way. Uh, which?

This way here.

Ah, thank you.

You'll find everything you need
in here to make you comfortable.


Effendi, I am
positively ravished.

One hour, Mr. Ortuglo.

Loose somewhere on the grounds.

I caught him coming out
of one of the buildings, but...

But of course he got away.

General... Never
mind the excuses!

Organize a search. Get
every man you can find.

Comb the grounds! Find him!



No one sings off-key like you.

All right, keep your eyes open.

Three of you, check the corrals.

A couple of you guys
look around in those trees.

Artie, this is where
the doctor's being kept.

It's underground, and
there's only one entrance.

I got in the hard way,
through a heating duct.

Where does that one
entrance originate?

I don't know, but it's gotta be

somewhere in the
general's house.

Don't worry, I'll find
it. What about the girl?

The girl's being held right
here, right next to the doctor.

And all around there are
guards, guards, guards, eh?

Right. Artie, what I need
right now is some kind of a...


One large
giant-size diversion...

coming up.

There's two of them. I
better tell the general.

What the devil is it?

We got them,
general. Both of them.

Both? There are two of them?

Yeah. The boys have
them trapped outside.

I don't know who one
of the gentlemen is,

but I have a very good idea

that the other
one is Mr. Ortuglo.

Oh, general.

As Plutarch once said,

"To create harmony,

music must first
investigate discord."

Or do you prefer Rossetti, hm?

"Silence: More
musical than any note."

I thought our
uninvited visitor outside

might have gotten in
here to you and your, uh...

My first installment?

Oh-ho, have no fear, general.

What I have in here,

Allah has reserved only for you.


Shall we have our
supper now, Mr. Ortuglo?



Now if you will excuse me,

I'll have a word with the cook.

Ah. As the prophet has written:

"The loss of immediate

"can only be compensated

by a visit with your
companion's past."

If I may, eh?

You, eh?


Seen anything?

No, sir.

Don't relax your vigilance.

And whatever happens,
let no one through that door.

Yes, sir.


I hope you have no
objections, effendi.

I have taken the liberty

of pouring an
apéritif before dinner.

May I suggest a final toast?

Thank you.

Here's to bigger and much,
much better explosions.

Hey! Aaah!


Are you all right?

Let's go.



Don't cry, Lorna. Don't cry.

It's time for me to go.

About my formula,

you might like to know that I...

I wouldn't have
given it to them.



Artie, I'll need a wagon
by the barn in five minutes.


No, no, no.

Mr. West, isn't it?


I suggest you stay away
from those explosives.

You've got nowhere to run,

and nothing to do except die.

It's quite a setup you
have here, general.

Does this have anything to do

with your resignation
from the Army?

You're a talented
guesser, Mr. West.

I resigned from an
antiquated military service,

which was content to sit around

and listen to its
arteries harden.

An army needs to
develop new weapons,

new techniques of
annihilating the enemy.

So when I found myself

surrounded and
blocked at every turn

by a pack of rigid, hidebound,
rocking-chair strategists

still fighting the last war...

So you turned in your stars
and opened your own shop.


This armory is a
working arsenal.

Sudden death for a price.

Advanced annihilation
to the highest bidder.

Man will always be
moved to kill his fellow man.

My operation addresses itself

to making death more
efficiently realizable.

Well, it's unfortunate

that you had to come
sniffing around here

where you had no business being.


Let's see, now.

That's 540 miles.

Added to the last
balance, gives us 15,000...


Hey, Artie? Take a look at this.



Yeah, one minute, Jim.

Ah, I knew it.

Just what I expected.

You mind telling me
what you're talking about?

You know I have something
of a knack for figures, right?

So it would seem.

It occurred to me that
over the past few years

we've been doing an
awful lot of traveling

right here on this train, right?


So I took the trouble
to count them up,

and it winds up with a figure

that confirms something I
have suspected all along.

Which is?

Which is that if we
had arranged to get paid

by the mile instead
of by the month,

even at five cents a mile,

you and I would be
$2,000 richer apiece today.

Makes you stop
and think, doesn't it?

Yeah. Well, listen,
figures don't lie.

Artie, what if I could
show you some figures

that would prove our traveling
was sort of a side benefit?

Now, I'd be hard
to convince of that.

You remember Denver?


And you remember
Shirley O'Malley?

The showgirl?

Ooh, who could forget her?

Does that figure convince you?

Uh, it's, mm...

It's a start.

What about that one?

Oh, yeah.

Chicago. Ha.

Artie, there's Doris.

Oh, New Orleans.

Oh, boy, what a town.