The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Night of the Inferno - full transcript

President Grant, beset by problems, recalls his top troubleshooter James West to service. West and his partner Artemus Gordon must discover why Juan Manolo has staged a series of raids in the southwest territories. Sending the army might cause a war, but a pair of low key troubleshooters might be able to solve the problem.

From the looks of it, I
would say that Hinterstoisser

has just gotten
some very good news.

It's good for him, bad
for the United States.

What the devil's keeping West?

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a winner.

And to make the presentation,

the president of
the United States,

Ulysses S. Grant.

Thank you, baron. Thank you.

Well done.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the President's
Cup was initiated

by the honorable
James Buchanan in 1857.

By the way, Mr. President,

I'm holding a reception
tomorrow at noon,

and it is my fondest
hope that you

and the members of your
cabinet will honor my country

once more by your attendance.

A reception?

A kind of entertainment.

But I beg you not to
ask me for details, sir.

I want it to be, uh...

a complete surprise.

I sent couriers to all
the other embassies,

but I wanted to
invite you personally.

I wanted to be absolutely
certain that you'd attend.

Mr. Gordon. Sir?

I don't know what our
schedule is for noon tomorrow,

but as of now, it's
cancelled. Yes, sir.


I think you'll find
it, uh, memorable.

You know, baron,

Mr. Gordon here has
an extraordinary facility

for picking up errant
scraps of information.

Oh, sir. So I have heard.


He picked up a significant
piece of information tonight.

Did you?

Well, something that
probably has to do

with the entertainment
you've planned, that's all.

And what would that be?

Merely that your chief
of international security,

Count Hackmar,

arrived in the United
States late this afternoon,

is on his way to Washington.

This gentleman keeps you
well-informed, Mr. President.

And quite right,

Count Hackmar will
be our guest of honor.

Then I can assume

it's something of
extreme importance?

You can, sir.

So important that I
want everyone here,

including you, Mr. Gordon.

I want you to come.

I also want you to
bring your associate.

By the way, where is Mr. West?

Well, Gordon?

Well, sir, last time I saw him,

he was heading for the garden.

What the devil for?

Uh, well, sir, he said something

about wanting to
show the big dipper

to the daughter of the
Lithuanian ambassador.

Oh, I see.

No great tragedy, Mr. President.

It is spring, after all.

Gruber, see if you
can rescue Mr. West

from the young lady's clutches.

West is missing. Find him.

I'm sorry, sir. I was detained.

Where was he, major?

With the daughter of the
Armenian ambassador.

Could have sworn
she was Lithuanian.

Armenian, Lithuanian,

it doesn't matter,

as long as she was,
uh, attractive, ja?

You are invited to a
reception tomorrow, Mr. West.

I was just about to show
your honorable president

something quite special.

It's in here, gentlemen,

the, uh...

essence of tomorrow's

little entertainment.

No. No, no.

You'll just have to wait.

I am sure that you'll
enjoy it much more if it, uh,

it comes as a, uh,

complete surprise.


So until the
reception, gentlemen...

you'll just have to wait.

You're going to drop
your hat, Mr. President.

I am? Right now.

Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. West. Thank you.

Good night.

I will repeat your orders!

Do not let West and
Gordon out of your sight.

And if they start
sniffing about,

and they will, I promise you,

stop them

any way

and by any means.

What the devil is that?

It's a series of
sequenced photographs.

Like the Kinetoscope shows

they have at the penny
arcades, Mr. President.

Those seem to be on a much
more highly developed scale.

But what for?

I have a sneaking suspicion
we'll find out what for

when we can run that off.

So now we know.
That's my office.

Yes, sir, but there's
one slight mistake.

The portrait of
General Washington.

It's facing the wrong way, sir.

By George, even I
would think that was me.

Yes, sir. I don't know
where they got him,

but he could pass
as your twin brother.

Well, enter Mr. Sumi Igo,

foreign minister of a nation
very much in the news today.

Look at that.

Actually, I've never
even met that man.

No, sir, but on the basis
of what we're seeing,

you'd have a difficult time

convincing the
rest of the world.

Now, what's that
document supposed to be?

It's just an idea,
Mr. President.

I'd say the United States

and the unsavory
nation of Mr. Sumi Igo

are entering into a
secret defense pact.

All of which will cause
the indignation and distrust

of the entire civilized world,

much to the glee of
Baron Hinterstoisser.

Whose country would then proceed

to make political capital
of it all over the world.

The end.

Well, they'd
believe it, of course.

I'd even believe it myself,

if I didn't know it wasn't me.

It was a job well done, West,

relieving that embassy
of their little peep show.

Thank you, sir.

I'm afraid it's not quite
that simple, Mr. President.

If Hinterstoisser opens
that box at the reception

and doesn't find this,

who do you think he'll accuse?

Embassies are considered
foreign soil, Mr. President.

It's a very serious charge.

Then when they show
their duplicate film,

and I'm sure they have several,

we'll look twice as bad, sir.

Well, what in the blue
super-heated blazes

are we going to do?

Well, they're expecting a show.

I see no reason
to disappoint them,

right, Jim?

But if you do that...

Mr. President, it may not
be exactly the same show

the baron's expecting.

Well, the main problem right now

is getting this back into
the security chambers

of Baron Hinterstoisser.

We don't have
much time, I'm afraid,

so if you'll excuse
us, Mr. President.


Gentlemen, there's
something you should know.

In the past three months,

seven of our personnel
have gone into that embassy

for one security
errand or another.

Not one of them has returned.

They must be presumed dead.

That ought to lend
a certain interest

to the proceedings, sir.

Two, three,

four, five... Artie.

Six, seven... I hate
to interrupt you.

Eight, nine,

ten, eleven, twelve,

13, 14,

15, 16...

It's always the
same, 16 seconds.

Artie, what history-making
demonstration is that?

It's my newest chemical leach.

It has something the
other leaches don't have?

Oh, yeah. This is
made from a material

with so highly a refined
and adhesive compound

that it can support
a man's weight

up to 200 pounds for 16 seconds.

Here, let me show you.

See, the material
is totally malleable,

yet you slam it against a
hard surface and it holds.

That's very
impressive. Thank you.

Here's the data from Washington.

Oh, yeah.

"Embassy constructed 1852.

"Architect and builder,
Jasper P. Mantis.

"Additional subterranean
improvements, 1871.

Architect and builder
Elwood R. Quincy."


Isn't that the one that built

the vaults in the
treasury building?


Well, three cheers for
the research department.

Have you checked on Quincy?

Quincy's dead.

But he had an office
here in Washington.

He must be here.
Search every place.

Bring him right over here.

Get him up.

Here you go, Tabby.


So you left the four of
them in Quincy's office, huh?

Sleeping it off? Yeah, sort of.

There were four security
guards from the embassy.

Artie. Hmm?

When are you gonna
get rid of that cat?

Listen, he stowed
aboard in Denver.

I'm going to see
to it he gets home.

Can I see that
photo? Oh, certainly.

These are the boys
who did the job, all right.

Look at the date, will you?

This must have been
taken the day they finished.

Well, from all the
information that we have,

had them deported.

Artie, look at this.

Well, there's proof at least
part of the information's wrong.

Five will get you ten,
he's a stonemason.

Look at the trowel in his belt.

Yeah, that's it.

All you gotta do is find him.

Me? Yeah.

I got a date with a photographer

about a Kinetoscope.

Move, and you die.

You're Dick January.

You don't say. Who
the devil are you?

James West. I'm a
secret service agent.

Is that supposed to impress me?

I don't care whether it
impresses you or not.

I'll settle for some
small conversation.

Well, make it real small,
secret service agent,

then get out.

You take a good
picture, Mr. January.

You're confusing
me with another guy

who likes to mind
his own business.

Oh, I see. They must have
done a first-class job on you.

What are you talking about?

Well, they worked
you over, didn't they?

Get out.

Why don't you keep
a night-light burning?

Maybe they won't
come back for you.

Mister, I'll let you
in on a little secret.

I've got a very special
program. You know what it is?

Why don't you tell me?

It's to stay alive, see.

It's not to get myself
killed over something

that don't put a
penny in my pocket

or add up to a row of
beans in my sweet life.

That's very interesting.

Here's another
interesting little item.

Yeah, they worked
me over, all right,

came close to killing me.

Mr. Quincy was murdered.
I suppose you know that.

Yeah, I figured that.

He was scared all the time,
he was at the embassy too.

He must have
known it was coming.

Why'd they hire you when
the rest were all foreign?

They had a stonemason,
one of their own.

He was killed in a fall.

Mr. Quincy came
to me and asked me

if I wanted to make
some quick money.

When I said, "sure,"
that's when he warned me.

"Whatever you do," he said,

"keep your eyes to yourself
and don't ask any questions."

Can you draw a sketch of
the work you did for them?

It wouldn't help you none.
By the time I got there,

just about all the
work was finished,

except for a big dumbwaiter
I worked on in the kitchen.

A dumbwaiter in the kitchen?

Yeah, Artie, from the
kitchen to the basement.

They said it was
for lowering garbage.

Why would they want to lower
garbage down to the basement

when you can carry it
right out the back door?

Exactly. We can
thank Mr. January

for some very
valuable information.

How about it, Artie, you set?

All set, Jim.

What now, major?


As long as they're in
there, everything is fine.

Must be some kind
of abandoned well.

Who are you?

I am the new night chef, Hans.

You mean you have
not been notified?

They never tell me
anything around here.

Well, don't stand
there like a statue.

Count Hackmar's
due at any moment.

Madame, so I have been told.

Rice imperatrice is
his favorite dessert.

I can only hope you
know how to make it.

Madame, rice
imperatrice happens to be

my principle specialty.

As a matter of fact,

I will need some rice,
some flour, sugar...

Ah! Eggs,

some colored jellies,
some heavy cream,

and some kirschwasser.

First the kirschwasser, huh?

You will find it
in the wine cellar.

I was hoping that you
would bring it to me.

Supervisors do not run
errands for night chefs.

Say that again.


Why should I say that again?

Because when you
say "supervisors,"

your nose crinkles up in
the most adorable way.

Did you know that?


Well, I didn't know. I...

Ooh! And to think I resisted

this job transfer
here to America.

Well, I tell you what, Hans.

I will get the kirschwasser,

you start to prepare
the eggs, ja?

Wonderful. Oh!

Uh, don't forget
the brandy, huh?

Brandy? Rice imperatrice?

No, to toast the beginning
of what I know will be

a marvelous friendship.

Hans, you are a devil.
I can see that already.


Hans, I was thinking
that we might...


Liebste, where are you?

Artie, as many times

as you've shown me that diagram,

I still don't understand
how you expect it to work.

Let's try it one
more time, all right?

All right.

Now, you start by
moving to the wall.

Once you get there,

you have these two
obstacles right there.

You mean here...

and here. GORDON: Right.

Now we know what happened to
the seven men who disappeared.


Lucky for us we
didn't make it nine.

Now once those
are taken care of,

try the next move,
which is right over here.

Artie, I understand
all that so far.

It's the next move
that I'm not sure about.

Well, the next move is
really the most complicated.

You see, you have
to be very careful

when you apply the pressure.

See, you have to be careful

with the amount of
pressure you use.

Assuming you maintain
the pressure correctly,

that still leaves you
one more major problem.

Which is?

These swine! I'll kill them.

It should show
you everything else

you need to know.

Again, the whole thing depends

on how successful you
are at interpreting what...

Blue's for the blades.

Yellow works the wall.

Leaves green and red.

Very impressive.


Did it ever occur to you
that red might mean danger?

For instance? For instance,

red for fire, fire
for explosion.

What would they want to explode?

People who fool
around with their levers.

You're absolutely right, Artie.

Red doesn't mean that. It
means security chamber.

Where is everyone out here?

Don't we have anyone
to open the door?

Didn't you hear the door?

Count Hackmar.

Welcome to the United States.


Artie, why would they
put the heating plant

in the middle of the
security chamber?

Doesn't make sense, does it?


It's the end of the
line for the elevator.


Now all we need is the box.

This will warm your blood.

I don't like journeys,

Your reception
had better be worth

3,000 miles of travel.

It will be. I stake
my life on it.

To your health, Excellency,

and to the
long-awaited expansion

of our sovereign nation.

You should know, Hinterstoisser,

that I have been
instructed to tell you

if things turn out as
well as anticipated,

you can expect a
significant promotion.

That comes straight
from the emperor himself.

It's incredible,

absolutely incredible.

I've never seen a safe
like this before in my life.

Neither have I.

The whole thing is
held locked by this,

tons of pressure.

That explains the boilers.

Yeah. We got problems, Jim.

I don't think we
could pry this open

with an elephant.

Tons of steam pressure, Jim,

forcing that piston
against the safe.

No steam, no
pressure, right, Artie?

Good luck.

Come in.

Mr. President, it's time
to dress for the reception.

Is there any word
from West or Gordon?

No, sir. None.

Thank you.

Open up.

Let go.

The reception's going
to start any minute.

We got to be there
with the president.

We can't go through the kitchen.

There's no telling who
we might run into there.


The pipe.

You all set?

Yeah, Artie.

It's all yours, Jim.

Ah, welcome to the
embassy, gentlemen.

You just leave your hats here
and take a seat in that room.

Ah, Mr. President, gentlemen.

I was just about
ready to give you up.


Gentlemen, please be seated.

Uh, you know what
this is all about?

You and I are about to
change the course of history.


Gentlemen, I'm very happy

that you could
attend this afternoon.

I have something
to impart to you

that I think will be
of great interest.

As you know, my
country has maintained

diplomatic relations
with the United States

for over 30 years.

This has not been
altogether easy.

On more than one occasion,

our patience has been stretched

to the limits of endurance.

Only maturity and
great understanding

has kept us from
severing all ties.

Last week, however,

President Ulysses S.
Grant committed a deed

of such shocking magnitude

that we can no longer forgive,

we can no longer tolerate,

we can no longer endure.

Fortunately, our
agents were able

to catch General
Grant in the act.

And due to the
revolutionary advances

of our scientists
and technicians,

were able to capture
his unforgivable deed

and record it for the
archives of history.

I'll show it to you now.


I need hardly point out

that the document
Mr. Igo is holding

is a secret agreement.

Something is wrong.

Stop it! Stop it at once!

Don't bother.

You've gone this far,
let them see the rest

of your little comedy.

Well, well, baron.

I want to congratulate you

on a marvelously funny
piece of entertainment.

Now, I'm only sorry
my cabinet members

weren't here to see it.

You have provided the world

with some very
charming amusement.

Perhaps I can do
the same for you

when we return to the homeland.

I'm just glad it's over.

To the good Baron

Wherever he is.

Artie, you know,
that reminds me.

I never did congratulate you

on the marvelous
Kinetoscope performance.

Oh, thank you. Listen,

I've been giving
that a lot of thought.

Hmm. Yeah, you know,

you remember how
everybody was laughing

when I pretended
to be the president?

Even I thought it was
funny. It was funny. So?

Well, I've been thinking.

Suppose now, just suppose,

that I made another Kinetoscope,

only longer this time,
and we rented a hall.

I bet you people would
pay money to see that.

Pay money to see
it? Oh, come on, Artie.

A dime? A nickel?

Artie. Here, Have
another champagne.

It was just a thought.

I'm glad it was
just a thought, Artie.