The Tick (2001–2002): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Funeral - full transcript

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Can I take
the blindfold off yet, chum?

Not yet.

ALL: Surprise!

[TICK GRUNTS]

Tick!

Oh, I'm sorry, comrades.

I... I thought
we were being ambushed.

"Hassy one-year nursery."
"Hassy one-year nursery."

-It's "happy anniversary."
-You shouldn't have.

-Yes, you really shouldn't have.
-So, what are we celebrating?

The day we met,
don't you remember?



Not really... no.

Sure you do,
I ended up in the hospital.

You made me go out
and fight Apocalypse Cow.

Oh, yeah, that 50 foot tall
fire spewing bovine.

She was a sticky wicket.

-Apocalypse Cow.
-Apocalypse Cow? Apocalypse wow!

Arthur is broken,

get me 200 cc's
of tender loving care, stat.

Okay, what do we got?

Shock contusions,
possible neck injury,

-second degree teat singeing.
-Fire. Big cow.

Apocalypse Cow, chum,
the worst kind.

DOCTOR: Nurse, set us up
for full x-rays: head and chest.

NURSE:
Yes, Doctor.



I was saying, you think
you could soup him up a bit?

Excuse me?

Maybe give him a metal arm with
a laser in it, or something.

ARTHUR: At first, I was sure it had all been a dream...

that was comforting.

But then...

-WOMAN: It was just horrible...
-...it had all happened.

-WOMAN: I don't know what--
-TICK: Get a hold of yourself.

WOMAN: No!

TICK: There's a mummy,
right behind you.

-ARTHUR: It was real.
-WOMAN: Oh, no!

-[GROWLING]
-[SCREAMING]

TICK: No good can come of this.

NEWSCASTER ON TV: An update, America performed...

ARTHUR: Which meant
that The Tick was real,

and he was in my living room.

[EXPLOSION]

Fancy.

We need one of those.

[ARTHUR CLEARS THROAT]

Good morning, Arthur.

TICK: I am the wild blue yonder,

the front-line
in a never-ending battle

between good and not so good.

Together with my stalwart sidekick,

Arthur, and the magnanimous help

of some other folks I know,
we've formed the yin

to villainy'’s malevolent yang. Destiny has chosen us.

Wicked men, you face The Tick.

-Why are you here?
-You know, I'm not sure, really,

I was over there for a while,

then I was in the kitchen,
then I just wandered

around for a bit
and I ended up here!

I'm taking stock

of our secret headquarters'
apparatus, making a list

of everything we have
at our disposal

in our two-man war against evil.

I believe the talking box
will come in handy.

Ah!

Talking box.

Oh, and I dug
through your crime library.

What?

So many villains,
a newspaper clipping monument

to this city's dire need.

Hey, these are mine,
they're private!

Yes, and alphabetized,

color coded
in those plastic tabs.

Clearly another one
of your special talents,

it must be added
to our list of resources.

Arthur's driving obsession
to organize.

Yes, I'm anal retentive, fine.

Believe me,
I would change that if I could.

Good lord, man,
retain that anus.

One day its fruit
may be the only thing

that stands between us
and total oblivion.

I don't know about you, Arthur,

but if some guy
brought up my anus

the first time he came
into my apartment,

-I would kick him out!
-Believe me, I tried.

Tick... about us
and total oblivion,

I'm not sure
I'm ready for all this.

I didn't realize everything
was going to move so fast.

Well, neither did I,

I've only been
in the city for 24 hours.

I've already got
a secret headquarters

and a sidekick,
who flies, no less.

See, now,
this is what I'm talking about.

Who said
that I was your sidekick?

Who said that
this is our secret headquarters?

Arthur...
I know that our buddy picture

is just beginning to bud,

but I think it's time
we grappled

with the core of your being.

What?

-I sense resistance.
-Well, can you blame me?

It's all happening so fast.

I quit my job,
that may have been a mistake.

Then, boom,

I'm burned by a giant cow.
I wind up in the hospital.

You know, there was this guy
that I worked with, Metcalfe.

He decided to quit his job
and try the superhero thing.

-Good for him.
-Yeah, well,

apparently,
it didn't work out so well.

Apparently,
now he needs a machine to poop.

That's unfortunate.

Who are you? You're in my house,
I don't even know you.

You know me, Arthur.
You always have.

I'm the you,
you wanna be.

The only thing stopping you
from being me is you.

-But that doesn't make any se--
-Come now, chum,

let's deal
with the problem at hand.

You wanna be a superhero,
but you'’re afraid.

-It's really--
-Believe me! I understand.

I've... heard of fear.

I've seen its effects,
it's no good.

Arthur,
don't let fear's bad apple spoil

-the barrel of your virtue.
-ARTHUR: Virtue?

Yes, virtue, man.
You're fat with it!

When it comes to love
for your fellow man,

you're a fat, fat, fatty!

And if you don't let some
of that love out soon,

you're gonna puff up
and explode!

You know what...
we can talk about this later.

I'm gonna go out,
get a bite to eat,

you know, clear my head.

Check.
Right behind ya.

That is when
Arthur decided unequivocally

that we were a team.

And we've been like this
ever since.

Thick as thieves.

Well... you know,

without all the stealing
and marauding and so forth.

Now, hang on, Tick.
I hadn't decided anything.

Oh, Well, that was the day
when the four of us

all became one big happy family.

BATMANUEL: Happy?

Yes, well, actually, I seem to
recall Janet hating you, Tick.

-Major disturbance...
-BATMANUEL: Janet.

...screaming bovine.

-[CLEARS THROAT] Janet.
-What?

I've asked you five times,
you haven't given me an answer.

Okay,
can you see that I'm busy?

Yes, and I respect that,
I just need to know.

Can you drive me
to the mechanic?

I need
to pick up the Manuel Mobile.

I told you, I would drive you
when I'm done.

Okay, good. So, we're agreed.

Who else was present
at the scene of the disaster?

Oh! Did I tell you
I had this Tick guy checked out?

No.

Yeah, I tapped
every source I had, FBI,

CIA, Interpol,
the Vatican black book.

No one knows anything about him.

Not one trace.
Apparently, he doesn't exist.

Not existing, yes,
that is suspicious.

What weapons were used
to combat the assailant?

He threw a dump truck
at Apocalypse Cow.

-A dump truck.
-Yeah, dump trucks are heavy.

What time do you think
we might head over there?

'Cause I think they close
at five, so--

And everything was going fine.

I had everything covered,
till this big blue idiot blows

in from nowhere and
turns everything upside down.

Any time before five
is good for me, so...

Step one, we need an arch enemy.
The most powerful,

deadly and
brilliant criminal mastermind

we can find.

Someone who will burn
his fetid midnight oil

hatching up a thousand plots
to annihilate,

a someone
within easy commuting distance

would be a plus.

Yes, I'll have the number three,
please.

-WAITER: Right here?
-No, to go, please.

-Captain Liberty, Batmanuel.
-Hey, it's the new guy.

Sure, you can sit here.

Perhaps, you two can help.
I need a nemesis.

The bigger the better.
The biggest if possible.

What do you think,
you're just gonna roll

into town and clean up
our mess for us?

Yes, I do.

[CHUCKLING]

Well, you're just great.

Maybe someone should
introduce you

to a real super villain, Tick.

And
stop all this fooling around.

Well, yes, that sounds right.
Lay it on me.

I did not hate you, I just...

-Well, this is embarrassing.
-Please, we're all friends.

Well, now. I didn't know you.

And,
I was a little jealous and...

frankly,
I was just trying to kill you.

Let me see...

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

King Hurl. No, wait,
he's in prison in Mexico City.

-Rats!
-Well, here we go, here we go.

[LAUGHING]

-Electronimo.
-Ooh. Electronimo.

Dammit! He opened a casino
with his wife.

They're all lightweights,
anyway.

Now, Tick,
I think someone of your caliber

should go straight to the top.

You just point the way,
little lady.

The Terror?

Nah, nah, Janet, don't even
joke about a thing like that.

What? I'm not joking.

You're not joking,
are you, Tick?

No, ma'am.

No, the Terror
is not a good choice--

Sure he is.

He's the biggest super villain
of the 20th century

That is what you want, isn't it?

Abso-doodle.

-Janet, no!
-Don't, "Janet" me.

Here, it's the number to
the Terror's private phone line.

You should give him a call.

-TICK: Sounds perfect.
-No, no!

-Give me that.
-Hey, hey! Whoa there, grabby!

We're not calling the Terror,

he's the worst arch criminal
in history.

He's been obliterating
superheroes for decades.

Superheroes who knew
what they were doing.

That's my napkin.

-[BELL DINGS]
-WAITER: Order up.

Tick.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
there you go.

-ARTHUR: Tick, let's go.
-Yes, let's go, indeed.

I just can't do it,
the... tiny bubbles.

♪ Tiny bubbles in the waves ♪

♪ Makes me feel happy
makes me feel... ♪

[CLEARS THROAT] Heterosexual.

I can't believe you actually
called the Terror.

I can't believe
I haven't been reimbursed

for the purchase of this cake.

You know,
Batmanuel's hard earned savings

don't grow on trees.

Here, you happy?

Happy
that I must humiliate myself

to be reimbursed
for the purchase of a cake?

That was a ten.

Just keep the change.

-Are you my wife?
-No.

-What year is it?
-2001.

2001? That's a lot.

[PHONE RINGING]

-TERROR: Hello?
-Aha!

There you are,
hiding deep underground.

Plucking the strings
of your dark web

of fear like a spidery harpo.

-Hello?
-Terror, you now face The Tick

and his fearless sidekick,
Arthur.

We'll put an end
to your reign of terr...

-Your reign of you!
-I just took my drowsy pills.

Ah! Evil never sleeps, mister.

Leave me alone,
I'm 112 years old,

-I'm done.
-Don't be an Adolf Quitler.

-Can't talk to me like that.
-Yes, I can, Quitler.

I'm the Terror!

[TICK LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]

The world gasps
at the mention of my name.

Big deal.

You think you can take me on,
do you?

You got that right,
you big weenie.

I'll fold you into my wallet
and spend you on a whore.

I say, "ha" again.

A hollow threat.
I'm the swift arm of justice,

and she's
got a bee in her bonnet, buddy.

That tears it!

I'm gonna tuck you in
for a dirt nap, you betty.

You don't scare us, Terror.

We've got right on our side.
Whoop, gotta go.

-What-- W-- Was that the Terror?
-Yes, but...

Oh!

-We got him on the ropes, chum.
-You called him on my phone?

-Well, isn't that what it's for?
-Tick, it's my phone! Caller ID.

Ah! Now he can find out
exactly where I live.

-He can do that?
-Yes, of course he can.

Magnificent beast.

What other strange powers
must he possess?

[PHONE RINGING]

Give-- No, no, no, no,
give me that! Hello?

You're gonna have a boot print
for a face.

Do you hear me, princess?
I'm coming to get ya...

and your pansy sidekick,
Arthur, too. [CACKLES]

ARTHUR: Giving The Tick the Terror's phone number

was like giving a child
a loaded gun,

-pointing at me.
-I'm sorry.

I was just a little...

hormonal.

Rally, Arthur, rally!

I should brush my teeth.

I'd like to die
with clean teeth.

Well, that is no way to talk.

Well,
hygiene is very important to me.

No one ever said the job
was gonna be easy, Arthur.

We'll be facing
every conceivable

sort of adversity,

but inside that wretched
nut of doom lies the life.

The very life that
you've always wanted.

Come on, chum.

Don't be a cry-baby,
be a try-baby.

That's when I convinced you
to form

an inseparable bond
of anti-villainy.

I had an Aunty Villainy.

She lived in Queens.
She liked cake.

Actually,
I still had not decided.

Oh, don't be modest, chum,
your mind may not have been

made up but your heart was.

TICK: I could tell
by the way you unleashed

that glorious
high pitch battle cry.

[SCREAMS]

Oh, the gnashing
of his knifey teeth,

the flame shooting
from his nostrils.

He was ten feet tall
if he was an inch.

He wasn't ten feet tall--

He was seven feet tall,
if he was a day.

He was a head shorter than me.

You're making this up.

No, I'm not,
I'm making it good.

[THE TERROR LAUGHS]

You've been paralyzed
by my terror gas.

Now, you're at my mercy.

[CACKLING]

-No, we're not.
-Wrong skull.

You can't win, Terror.

Because we're not afraid.

[COUGHING]

-Wow, you got old.
-Huh?

I know you've been around
for a while, but...

Wow! You're extra old.

[COUGHS, GROANS]

You know, maybe we should wait
until you feel better.

I'll drop you like a bad habit.

Really, is there anyone
you want us to call?

Bite me. [GROANS]

Well,
that's a little disappointing.

He stands triumphant

with another fallen fiend
behind him.

You can tell
just by looking at him

that he's got some
pretty heavy things on his mind.

What are you talking about?

-And who are you saying it to?
-Was I talking?

We are not triumphant.

All we did
was prank call an old man

-and give him a heart attack.
-Well, it wasn't plan A,

but it did the trick.

The Terror is almost dead,
deserves to be dead.

But instead
of relishing your victory,

you whisked him off
to the hospital.

-Hindsight is 20-20.
-Hindsight?

You mean sight
that comes out of your...

-You're crazy.
-Hey, don't knock crazy, Arthur,

and don't you think
that wrinkle party in there

is down for the count.

When you get in bed
with evil incarnate,

it always takes the covers.

Wow... he is old.

Arthur?

Arthur! Wait.

[MACHINE BEEPING]

Flat line.

Come on, you little red bastard.
Give me a pulse.

That's pretty good.

[CACKLING]

If you told me
in the first place

that you couldn't drive me,

I would've taken a cab. Okay?
Or a taxi.

I'm sorry, I didn't see how late
it was. I'll take you tomorrow.

Tomorrow is not tonight. Okay?
And how am I supposed

-to get home from here.
-I will drop you off, okay?

-Just give me five minutes.
-Janet.

I just found out that The Tick
and the Terror

both wound up in the hospital.

What, I gotta check it out.

But Batmanuel had to take

the subway three times
that night.

Oh, please!

A superhero on
the subway is very embarrassing.

I almost got mugged, you know.

Almost?
Someone hit you over the head

and took your wallet.

I will not debate semantics
with you, Kewpie doll.

Especially, since it was I who
first went eyeball to eyeball

with the Terror
that night in the hospital.

Vending machine coffee.
It's come to this.

Got one!

Now,
somebody give me a rib spreader

and a bottle
of hydrochloric acid.

[CACKLES]

Put me out of my misery, chum.
When did you realize about us?

I'll tell you.

I needed some time
to sort out my thoughts.

Everything was
happening so fast.

I wandered into
the superhero recovery ward

and there I saw my friend,
Metcalfe.

Remember the guy who needed
a machine to poop?

I'm going to need a machine
to poop that freaking cake.

That cake is made
from the finest flour,

do not denigrate that cake.

Anyway, I realized what had
been stopping me all this time

from committing
to being a superhero.

You were right, Tick.
Deep down I was still scared.

-I almost get killed a lot.
-You get used to it.

Life is
a quantity versus quality issue.

Arthur, were you happy
when you were normal?

No.

-Do you wanna help people?
-Yes.

I don't see how you have
a choice,

you've been called, Arthur.

No matter what the price,
no matter what the cost.

Look at me,

I need a machine to poop.
But that's not going to stop me.

I'm going
to get right back out there.

Granted, this machine will be
a bit of a burden,

but you can't let...
fear's bad apple spoil the--

[FARTING]

[GROANING]

[LAUGHING]

[GROANING]

[GROANING] Good save.

ARTHUR: And that's
when I did it.

That's when, for the first time,
all by myself...

I stood up to evil.

-Hey, stop it!
-Mind your beeswax, pudgy.

Hey, you don't do that.

You don't throw blood
at a person!

Yes, I do. I'm the Terror!

I'm famous.

[ARTHUR SHRIEKS]

[ARTHUR SCREAMING]

That sounds promising.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

Hands off my sidekick,
body devil.

[TERROR SCREAMS]

Well done, Arthur.
Well done, you.

You fought the Terror,
both externally and internally.

-I did, you're right.
-Of course, you heard the call

and you answered it.
Feels pretty good, doesn't it?

Yeah, I guess it does.

Hello.
I got the poison lobster.

Well, this won't do at all.

Hey, you're a nice guy.

[CHUCKLES]

To Tick.

I think you've avoided
the big question, Arthur.

You know, they're right, chum.

You can toast me till I'm burned
and crummy, but please,

on this first anniversary
of our duodom, answer the query,

when exactly did you decide
to make the leap of faith?

Okay, Okay.

It's when I realized, Tick,

That even though
you were dangerous,

homeless
and potentially insane...

you were also right.

We beat the worst super villain
in human history.

Admittedly,
somewhat after his prime.

Okay, way, way past his prime.

But still,
we emerged triumphant.

It was then that I realized,
we were destined to be a duo.

Could you run that by me again?

I am sorry,
but I wasn't listening.