The Tick (2001–2002): Season 1, Episode 3 - Couples - full transcript

So, you pay
for this place yourself?

I'm not at liberty to say.

Not at liberty? Captain Liberty
is not at liberty.

-Ironic.
-So my mother's been calling me,

asking me how things are going,
what's new?

Is that unusual, chum?

I guess
she's been doing that ever since

your emergence from the canal.

So I'm assuming
there's a point to this.

TICK: Oh, I sure hope so.

-I'm on the edge of my seat.
-All right! All right.



-The point is...
-[CAR HORN BLARES]

I haven't told her.

-Told her what?
-You know...

No! I don't. Wait!
Don't tell me.

-Give me a hint.
-My lifestyle choice.

No fair, I asked for a hint.

You haven't told your mother
that you're... super?

-No.
-Hotlanta!

Arthur,
what are you waiting for?

You are a superhero,

now you can lie
or you can try to cover it up,

but as soon as she sees you
on TV or in the paper--

Or a Broadway musical.

She's going to be that much
more devastated.



So, it was hard
to tell your parents?

-I don't want to talk about it!
-Oh!

-Raw nerve, raw nerve.
-My point is,

Arthur, you need to come out.

Villains can sniff a closeted
superhero from a mile away,

this could be the difference
between life and death.

And, I mean, you are who you are
so you might as well accept it.

Come out, Arthur!
Come out to play, look at me.

I'm out. I'm out there.
I'm way out there!

That's the other problem.

TICK: I am the wild blue yonder,

the front line
in a never-ending battle

between good and not so good.

Together with my stalwart sidekick Arthur

and the magnanimous help of some other folks I know,

we've formed the yin to villainy's malevolent yang.

Destiny has chosen us. Wicked men, you face The Tick!

[PLUNGING]

[SPLASHING]

Don't take that tone with me,
mister.

Hey! You think
the full getup is too much?

They're probably there
already I bet,

my sister is always early.

TICK: Talk is cheap,
potty mouth!

-What?
-Talking to the toilet.

Keep on running, pal!
That's fine by me.

You can run
but you cannot hide.

Tick. This is kind of a big deal
for me.

Telling my family
about my new...

My new...

-Lifestyle choice?
-Sure, yes!

So, if we cannot worry about
the toilet right now, okay?

Fair enough, but we mustn't
let our guard down, chum.

We got a devilishly clever
commode here.

He's already taken the bathtub
as an ally

in his porcelain war against us.

ARTHUR: The bathtub
is backed up too now!

Tick, please!
Don't fix anything else, okay?

It's passed the point of fixing,
my friend.

Negotiations are at an impasse.

This has become
a battle of wills,

a battle I intend on winning.

[STOMACH GROWLING]

-After lunch, of course.
-Yeah, Tick, about lunch...

Mother, I'm sure this is it,
I called today

and I double checked
the address.

[BELL RINGS]

I just don't like
all the mystery.

Why didn't Arthur say what
this was about over the phone?

He wants his engagement
to be a surprise!

Mom, enough already.
I'm his sister.

I think I'd know
if he was getting married.

Don't turn around.

Oh, my!

Is this that kind of place?

Sure, I want you to meet them.

It's just I'm gonna be dropping
quite a bombshell here

and you're this
whole other bombshell--

Whistling toward
the target ready to blow.

Exactly! So, if you could
give me a few minutes

to get them used to the idea of,
you know, me.

Oh and Tick,

remember that talk we had
about how you yell all the time?

I do indeed!

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, we don't want any of that
so if you have to say anything

use the quiet voice
we practiced.

You mean this quiet voice?

Oh, one more thing,
if I do this it means--

Get in there, you nut!

No! It means crazy talk,
crazy talk, change the subject.

Hey, Ma, Dot.

Oh, my God!

Oh.

Well,
look at your little outfit.

You're losing 'em, Arthur.

Arthur,
I just don't understand this.

A superhero?

Yes, Dot, I thought it was time
for me to take a stand.

To start doing something
I really believed in.

-What about your job?
-Well I've quit accounting, Dot.

This is my job now.

Tell them the part about
how we're gonna save the world.

DOT: Mother,
are you hearing this?

-ARTHUR: Mom!
-What's going on, Tick?

[GLASS CRACKS]

[SIGHS]

Arthur's in there
telling his family

about his exciting new life
as a superhero.

No, no, no.
That never goes well.

-Are you insane?
-Mom!

Waitress, another one, please!
No ice this time.

So, when do we get
to meet the fiancée?

Arthur family!

Mom, Dot...

this is The Tick he's my new
crime fighting partner.

Well, that's right, ladies,
we are a duo!

Tick, this is--

So you're the mother,

what a pleasure it is
to shake hands with the womb

that spilled Arthur
into the world.

And let's not forget
the womb mate, Dot.

Arthur's words do no justice

to your nervous,
white knuckled beauty--

Tick! Sit down, quiet voice.

Let's all try to discuss this.
Quiet voice.

So, Dot, Arthur tells me
you're rather controlling.

-Arthur!
-Tick!

-Kids!
-TICK: Everybody,

let's drink
to Arthur's bold, new adventure

and embrace him proudly.

-[THUD]
-[GASP]

Maybe you should
just stay out of this.

Oh, I couldn't if I tried, sis,
Arthur and I are as one.

Four legged, two headed engine
of rightness

with nowhere to go but up!

We're making gravy
without the lumps.

We're flying to the moon
in a rocket built for--

Crazy talk! Crazy talk!
Change the subject.

Oh, my!

I would love
to see the tiny fellow

who left this behind.

You're not going
to marry my son, are you?

Yo, heavens no, Mom.

I'm already married to that

sweet feel good giantess
called justice.

Well, we're not gonna sit here
for this craziness. Mother?

-Can you get up?
-Yes, I can.

Come on, Dot.

Arthur,
you are gonna have to grow up!

You can't keep running away
from your problems like this.

Well, that's the best part.
He doesn't have to run.

He can fly.

[WHOOSH]

Mother, we're leaving.

Play safe with your new friends,
dear.

[BELL DINGING]

Well, that could've gone better.

Well, that was pretty brutal.
You okay, Arthur?

Excuse me, perhaps
the moment is inopportune,

but I must say, I find
your sister strangely compelling

-Do you think she'd care to go--
-What? No! She's married.

She's got two kids.

Oh yes!
I thought I knew that scent.

A soccer mommy.
It's my only weakness.

Wish we could be
reasonable about this,

discuss our differences
with compromise

-in mind but you've left me no--
-[TOILET GROWLING]

Let me finish!

I have no choice but to resort
to chemical warfare!

This poison parade
will stem your tide.

You made your bed now drink it.

Tick, please, God,
stop messing with the toilet!

-Bit irritable.
-Toilets don't talk! They don't!

[PHONE RINGING]

Well,
that's a maybe in my book, chum!

Yeah, hello? Thank God, Dot.

No, no I'm glad
you called we have to--

Now? Wait, you're still
in the city? But I thought--

No,
of course not that's fine I--

No, I'll be right over.
What hotel?

Not so talky with
a belly full of hell, are we?

Hey, Tick, I have to go out,
it's really important.

-I have to go alone.
-Right! I'll come with you.

No, Tick, you don't understand.
I have to go alone,

which means that you have
to stay here, okay?

-Okay.
-Okay.

Tick! No.

-Stay here.
-Okay!

Tick, I don't have time
for this, just...

stay here and talk
to the toilet, talk to whatever.

We're a duo.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[TOILET GROWLING]

You stay out of this!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

-Hi!
-Hi, Arthur.

Jeez! Dark in here.

-Mom?
-I'm here, son.

What's going on?

FRANCIS: Perhaps
I should explain, Arthur.

-Mom, who is this?
-I'm Francis Peacock.

And your mother and sister
called me because of their deep,

-deep concern for you.
-What? Are you serious? Dot?

Mom, you're giving me
an intervention?

Arthur.

I am a licensed graduate student
of psychology,

and I have years of experience
in dealing with this addiction.

-Addiction?
-Addiction.

Oh,

It starts out innocently enough.

You pick up a few magazines
to get your jollies,

but soon... you've got
a monkey on your back.

You find yourself hanging out
at costume shops.

Maybe you try on a cape.

Maybe a mask...
maybe even gauntlets.

And the next thing you know...

you're buying
your first pair of tights.

[GASPS]

And you are on that long,
slippery slope to moral oblivion

This is ridiculous! I'm leaving.

Arthur, your family has already
signed all the necessary papers

to put you into my custody.

-I have a rehabilitation
-Don't touch me!

-FRANCIS: where we could--
-Please.

Fine. Fine, Arthur, fine.

Mom, this is insane!
I'm out of here.

-Code green! Code green!
-Oh, God!

[GUNSHOT]

[GASPS]

Oh.

Dot! I need you to be strong
for him right now.

Mom, I'm not crazy.

You're simply going through
what we like to call

the family remorse phase.

But you've gotta trust me,
you've done the right thing.

Rex, Mohammed, truss him up
and put him in the van.

TICK: Where did Arthur go?

[GROWLING]

[TOILET BUBBLES]

But Arthur said... Arthur said
that plumbing doesn't talk.

[GROANING]

I don't know! Arthur!

Shut up. Shut up!

Arthur.

[SCREAMS]
Arthur! Where are you?

He used to sit
right here in this booth,

and he'd order the number three.

I remember that much.

Oh, Arthur!

You were always number one
in my book.

You know,
if he snaps we're gonna have

a hell of a problem
on our hands.

You should move on, Tick.
You know, meet someone else.

When a woman disappears
on Batmanuel, he doesn't sulk

in his egg and pancake meal,
he mingles.

Have you seen this man?

FRANCIS: Okay everybody,
take your seats,

take your seats.

Okay.

Everybody, Arthur,
like many of you,

suffers from
delusions of grandeur.

He has an exaggerated sense
of responsibility.

A manic and irrational desire
to save the world.

Which, of course,
comes into conflict...

with a sad little reality
of Arthur's insignificance.

Really, it's a classic,
almost a textbook case of...

identity crisis,
but now, Arthur,

maybe you could tell us 'cause
I find this kind of interesting.

Why is it,

that you chose your own name
as your superhero identity?

[CLEARS THROAT]

I just haven't figured out
a good one yet.

Huh?

I just haven't figured out
a good one yet.

-Ah!
-I'm working on it!

[MURMURING IN BACKGROUND]

[PHONE OPERATOR] If you'd like to make a call...

[GROWLING]

Well, I just don't understand
what happened to Arthur.

He's been gone so long and...

I've grown so accustomed
to him being around.

Good lord, the man is my anchor!

-LIBERTY: Fondue?
-Yes.

Uh... Why?

It's the food of lovers.

Unless, of course,
they're lactose intolerant.

[PHONE RINGING]

-No, no, let it ring.
-No, it could be important.

More important than fondue?

I'd make
an argument that nothing

is more important than fondue.

-Hello?
-Fine.

But I'm going to eat your fondue
and his fondue.

No fondue for you.
You get no fondue.

-You fondue? No can do.
-Do you mind?

-You're where?
-An insane asylum!

Do you fondue?
I do, too. I fondue you.

Will you shut up?
Arthur's in an insane asylum!

My fault?
What you mean it's my fault?

What do I mean?

You're the one who pushed me

to tell my mother
about my lifestyle.

Yes, I know
and wasn't it freeing?

Freeing?

Freeing? I have been
locked away in a loony bin!

With keys! Big keys!

That go jingle-jangle
on large bald men's belts.

-That's not freeing!
-Allow me.

Arthur, you like fondue, right?

[SCREAMS]

A simple no would suffice.

[KEYS RATTLING]

[PAPERS DROPPING]

FRANCIS:
Oh, yeah. Who is super now?

Yes! Who is super now?
I think it's you, Francis.

I think it's you.

[GASPS]

ARTHUR: I'm not crazy!

-I'm not crazy!
-Get in there, rabbit boy.

[THUD]

These hallucinations are
very troubling to me, Arthur.

Goodnight.

[GRUNTS]

Help!

Where is Arthur?
Where is my chum?

Has he gone back to the womb?

Do they have phones in there?
Why couldn't he have called?

"I've returned to the womb,
Tick, I'll call when I get born"

Tick, look, there are people
who think that we are different.

We are different!

People who think that putting on
tights or a mask and a cape

and trying to save people
is an act of madness.

Yes, it is! Madness at evil.
I'm mad at bad, aren't you?

Yes, somewhat--

Look, the point is that
there are places where they

put superheroes
to try to cure them,

to make them normal,
if you will.

Normal? Egads!

Is that where Arthur is?

-Yes!
-Yes!

And the law enforcement
can't do anything about it

because
it's out of their jurisdiction.

Well, Captain Liberty...

that's just where
our jurisdiction begins.

I'm sorry ladies, visiting hours
are over for this evening.

You're going to... Oh!

We need to split up,

you take the offices,
I'll take the wards.

-Excuse me! Excuse me!
-And you shut up!

We regroup in five, people.

[ALARMS RINGING]

Alright and Batmanuel
will protect the women.

[GRUNTING]

[THWACK]

[SIGHING]

[PATIENTS MUTTER]

[GROANS]

Alright! Now, which one
of you nuts has seen Arthur?

-[TOILET GURGLES]
-TICK: Arthur! Arthur!

[TOILET GROWLING]

-TICK: Arthur!
-Tick?

-Arthur!
-Tick!

Tick! You found me!

Arthur!

Oh!

[THUD]

Good Lord! They've driven you
back to the cocoon!

How did you find me?

I just walked around
and yelled a lot.

Let's get you out
of this fancy coat.

Your mother
and Dot are waiting outside.

Oh! No, no, no!
I don't want to see them!

They think I'm insane,
they threw me in here.

No! That was the mom
and daughter last week.

The mom and daughter
this week are much nicer.

No, no, a week doesn't make
a difference!

They have no respect, no trust.

They don't have a lot of things.

Not everyone can be
as great as us, Arthur,

but we just have to accept them
for what they are.

Now, your mother wants you back
and your sister...

Your sister...

She's fine.
Okay, alright.

Let's get going!

[GRUNTING]

Alright,
but I have to do one more thing.

Alright.

[TOILET GROWLING]

How you doing?

[THE GREATEST AMERICAN HEROTHEME SONG PLAYS]

[FRANCIS SINGS]
♪ Who could it be

♪ Believe it or not
It's just me ♪

[SCREAMS]

TICK: Oh.

That is icky to infinity.

Well, the Francis Peacock
Superhero Deprogramming Center

has been closed down
by the authorities.

-Poetic justice.
-Is there any other kind?

Puppet show justice.

Arthur,
I made a mistake committing you

to that institution
against your will.

Oh, come on, everyone.

Sure, you sold Arthur down
a crazy river,

but let's use that spilled milk
to put out this burning bridge.

See? See how easy?
We're one big happy family.

Mom, Dot, I hope you realize
superheroes are not freaks.

[CLEARS THROAT]

That is, most superheroes
are not freaks.

And, Tick, please?

Mom, just promise you'll never
commit me again, okay?

Never again, honey.

DOT: Okay,
I just want to know one thing.

Now, when my son asks
what the deal is with his uncle

and his big blue friend,

what am I supposed to say?

Dotty,
you tell that boy of yours

that his uncle
and his blue friend

are a crime fighting duo,
a two-headed cobra of goodness

slithering down
the path of righteousness,

leaving its venom deep
in the hind quarters of evil.

That.

Why don't I just call him?