The Tick (2001–2002): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
The Tick recruits an amateur sleuth.
TICK: The life of a superhero
is a lonely one,
filled with hardship and danger.
The few who answer the call
must leave comfort, safety and often sanity behind.
But someone's gotta
stand the heat
and stay in the kitchen!
Someone's gotta don
the oven mitts
of all that's right
and strangle the red-hot throat of all that's wrong!
This is that someone's story.
ARTHUR: Hey! A bus!
He still here?
Yup.
He stands in silence,
stoic, godlike.
The mysterious blue avenger,
who has become legend
to the simple folk
of this bus station.
But glory will not distract him
from his vigil.
[BANGING]
MAN: Come on!
Come on, come on!
Metal fiend!
Stand back, citizen!
So, vending menace,
we meet again.
Did you jiggle the thing?
Armless bandit!
Empty your bladder
of that bitter black urine
men call coffee!
It has its price,
and that price has been paid!
[WHACKING]
Java devil,
you are now my bitch.
Well, here you are,
weary traveler,
one steaming hot cup of justice!
No need to thank me,
it's my sworn duty
to defend this bus station,
against the ravages of evil.
Uh, you dropped this.
Hey...
a bus ticket.
Apparently, I intended to go
on a trip to The City.
Why?
Well, looks to me like,
you finally freed us
from the tyranny
of the coffee machine.
So perhaps my work here is done!
Perhaps it's time
that I moved on to a place
where there's...
-Stuff to do?
-Stuff to do!
Stuff to do...
Well, goodbye,
grateful Bus Station Man!
You don't know what
you'll do without me,
but shed no tears.
Goodbye, plucky, pimply teen.
I think you're ready now
to hear the truth.
This wasn't really
a magic hubcap.
The magic was inside you
all along.
[HORN HONKING]
Well, destiny honks the horn
of gotta go. To The City!
Who was that blue stranger?
He was "The Tick".
Sir, I'm sure that
Human Resources can handle this,
-no need for you--
-A man's life is at stake,
I'm taking this bull
by the horns personally.
Good lord! I'm too late.
[GROANS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
-Mister-- Mister Fishladder!
-Aha.
It is still Arthur, isn't it?
Arthur, my time is worth
17 dollars a second.
I want an explanation,
and I want it to cost
less than 1500 dollars!
-[BANGS]
-Go!
Oh, uh...
-Well, it'’s hard to explain--
-Fifty-one dollars.
Mr. Fishladder,
I have been living a lie.
I am more than just
a mild-mannered accountant,
Now I do good work for this firm
and I value my job.
It's just-- My entire life
has become nothing but...
-numbers and deductions and IRA.
-Two hundred and fifty-five.
And granted, I've been
doing my parent's
tax returns since I was six.
But even then, I knew
I had a higher calling.
I can't hide from it any longer.
-I--
-Don't say it!
I am going
to become a superhero!
You know, part-time at first.
Christ in Heaven!
Look at yourself, you're built
like a sensible shoe.
You shouldn't be
jumping around town
in a body sock fighting crime!
Well, I haven't actually fought
any crime yet.
Good! Keep it that way!
Crime fights back!
Remember the lesson of Metcalfe.
-Metcalfe?
-Metcalfe!
Head of Shipping and Receiving,
third floor. Metcalfe!
He lost all his game pieces,
just like you.
Cashed in his 401K
and bought a jet pack!
Now the poor bastard
needs a machine... to poop!
Mr. Fishladder, I know that
sort of thing can happen. But--
But you're gonna ride
this thing out to the bloody,
gruesome end, aren't you?
Well, maybe not all the way
to the end, but, you know,
for a while.
Mr. Fishladder,
-I have to try.
-Time's up!
Here's the way I see it,
you're either a man with a job
or an idiot in a bunny suit.
You can't be both.
Not at Worldwide
Fishladder and Sons.
So, what's it gonna be? Huh?
TICK: It's gonna be
a tough road to hoe,
but he's just the Joe to hoe it.
For destiny has called on him, and even now he feels her warm,
moist hand at the small of his back, pushing, pushing.
[THUDS]
Losing that job was
the best thing
that could've happened to me.
That paycheck was a noose
around my neck.
Now I can be like you.
A superhero!
Oh, crap.
The noblest profession.
Risking it all for
the common good, that's our job.
They may call us an accountant
but we can't
deny our true natures,
even if all of our friends
and relatives
tell us we're good at math.
The hero's life! Our destiny!
Suit doesn't do a lot for you.
Make you look like a...
Easter Bunny.
-It's a flying suit.
-Easter Bunny can't fly.
Well, I can.
I haven't yet.
But all I've to do is go to the
top of a building and jump off.
Go ahead. Who cares?
I'm gonna do it tonight.
I think he's gonna fall down
a lot and die.
Oh, crap.
City! City, I am The Tick!
[BANGS]
And you have melted my heart.
From this day forth,
I will spread my buttery justice
over your every nook and cranny.
Hear me, oh, city, my city.
[METAL RATTLING]
Your toast will never
go bare again!
[BURPS]
Who am I kidding?
Comrades! The Red Scare.
The finest secret Soviet
super weapon 1979 had to offer.
One touch of this button,
and we'll have an unstoppable
engine of death at our command.
-1979? Does it still work?
-Does it still work,
it'’s a Plotski!
COMRADE #1: Ivan Plotski,
the best scientist ever!
A toast, my friends,
to the Russian American
Coalition for the Annihilation
of the U.S. Postal System!
Nostrovia!
[THROWS UP]
Sorry.
[GRUNTS]
Rabbit person wants
to make problems?
It's really more
of a moth thing.
-He wants to be a superhero.
-Let's teach him the lesson
of Metcalfe.
Metcalfe?
-IN UNISON: Metcalfe!
No! [SCREAMS]
My first damsel in distress!
[TIRES POPPING]
Unhand that woman!
[GRUNTING]
Oh.
Awkward moment.
Sorry there, Moth Man.
Didn't mean to interrupt.
Although, I sure would like
a slice of your righteous
combat pie.
-What do you say?
-Help!
Hey, great! Thanks!
Wicked men, you face The Tick.
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTING]
TICK: Incoming!
Single file! Knock it off!
[GLASS SMASHING]
TICK: Heads up!
Here you go, chum!
[CHUCKLES]
TICK: Don't do drugs!
[GRUNTING]
TICK: There's more where
that came from!
He breathes in deep the
sweet air of his first victory.
And with the newly-won
friendship of his fellow warrior
he stands tall against the
inevitable horrors to come.
Come on Moth Man!
To the rooftops!
[BOMB TICKS]
[ELECTRONIC WHIRRING]
[THUDS]
[FOOTSTEP THUDS]
It all happens here
on the rooftops.
Brightly clad stallions,
running the most dangerous
steeplechase of them all.
Flanks sweaty, nostrils flaring.
We heroes are our own jockeys,
chum, we ride ourselves,
and hard!
Robot!
I saw a robot!
You saw a robot?
You lucky duck.
-Wow!
-Haven't seen you around before!
I am, Batmanuel!
You may have heard of me.
I get a lot of press.
You were the one who saved that
trolley full of supermodels!
Yes. In fact, I saved them
three times in one night,
if you get my meaning.
Nope.
Batmanuel thank God you're here.
Listen, there's this big red--
[PHONE RINGING]
Batmanuel. On a roof, of course.
Huh?
Yes, the doors open at midnight.
Aha. And invite Diego.
I like his sister.
She's Catholic.
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]
Cool walkie-talkie.
Gentlemen! I'm Captain Liberty.
Once again,
the nation is in peril.
No, I'm telling you, Falco died.
Sí! Amadeus, Amadeus.
He is a dead person!
Captain Liberty,
thank God you're here! Listen,
there's a big red--
There's no time to chat,
I'm afraid this is top priority.
The CIA has tracked a secret
Soviet superweapon to The City.
Code-named The Red Scare,
-One hundred percent lethal.
-Exactly! Exactly!
That's the
biggest darn whirlybird
I have ever seen!
[EXPLOSION]
So, Janet! Back in bed
with the CIA, eh?
You certainly do your best work
undercover.
Stow it you infant, I don't have
time for your nonsense.
You had a little time
for it last month,
on top of that water tower.
I saved her too, once,
if you know what I'm saying.
-Nope!
-ARTHUR: Everybody! The robot!
It's right down there!
I'm working on
having him deported.
She fears the demons I've awoken
in her womanly places.
He just flipped over a car!
Ground One to Airship target the
Eurotrash, fire on my command.
Lesbian!
We should've taken your country
when we had the chance.
I still have your panties.
-He's got rockets...
-Give me those, you weasel!
Don't fight like a girl, Janet,
fight like a woman!
[EXPLOSIONS BELOW]
[GROANING AMOROUSLY]
Hey, he's getting away!
[GROANING]
[SQUELCHING]
Oh, I stepped in gum!
-[TICK SIGHS]
-[GROANING]
What's wrong with you people?
You're superheroes.
You're supposed to be,
you know, heroic!
Sticky pink devil!
-Greasy twerp!
-Right-wing ice queen!
[GROANING AMOROUSLY]
Who puts gum on a roof!
Well, it's been a shattering,
disillusionment. Good night.
[GROANING CONTINUES]
What was that about a robot?
Little guy?
BATMANUEL:
Stroke my ears.
Little chum?
[GROANING CONTINUES]
You're an idiot in a bunny suit.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Arthur!
Arthur!
[DOOR CRASHING]
Hello again!
Your door is broken.
The knob came off.
What are you doing here?
Moth Man, this is incredible!
It looks just like an apartment!
-What?
-Alright. Show me your trigger.
My what?
Your secret
headquarters trigger.
The switch that pops up
all your secret
crime busting equipment!
Is this it?
-[SPARKS FLYING]
-[LIGHTBULB BREAKS]
Say! What does your sofa
turn into?
It turns into a bed.
Well, that's a start.
What else you got?
Nothing! I've got nothing,
this is just an apartment!
What are you doing here?
I followed you home! I got
something I wanna show you.
Look!
This whole thing was a mistake.
Apparently, superheroes
are just a bunch of egotistical,
self-centered,
sexually frustrated
kindergartners.
-No offense intended.
-None comprehended!
It's just,
I thought they were supposed to
risk it all for the common good!
You know, help the down trodden?
The sad part is,
I'm the down trodden.
I'm not Moth Man,
I'm not a superhero,
I'm not even
an accountant anymore!
I'm just Arthur.
Arthur! Listen to me carefully!
I believe in you! I always have!
That's why I'm here!
Destiny dressed you
this morning, my friend,
and now, fear is trying
to pull off your pants!
If you give up, if you give in,
then you're gonna end up naked
with fear just standing there,
laughing at your
dangling unmentionables!
Oh, wait! I almost forgot
the best part.
I got to thinking
you might be on to something
about this whole
Red Scare thing.
Figured maybe we should
interrogate somebody.
-Please help me!
-Help you?
You were gonna Metcalfe me!
Easy there, Bad Cop!
Think you cracked this nut.
Alright, you heard the man.
Give him the skinny.
The Red Scare is a relentless
robotic assassin,
built in the late seventies,
and-- and-- and programmed
to kill Jimmy Carter.
We were going to use it to kill
the Postmaster General,
but you thwarted us
before we had the chance.
You see, Arthur? You thwart!
What, then it must still
be programmed.
Oh, my God.
Jimmy Carter is in town!
Jimmy Carter is in town!
Heavens to Betsy,
what are the odds?
Quickly chum, Jimmy needs us now
more than ever!
-Us?
-Us!
TICK: I have no money!
Five dollars, 15 percent...
Just keep the change.
-TICK: Clear the building!
-DRIVER: Hey! Idiot!
-TICK: The Russians are coming,
-ARTHUR: Sorry.
TICK: The Russians are coming.
To the penthouse!
Tick, this is insane,
I can't fight the Red Scare!
-Yes, you can.
-I'm just an accountant!
-People change.
-People die.
-No, they don't.
-Yes, they do!
Not on my watch, they don't!
Looks like we're gonna be late.
But I don't wanna poop
with a machine!
No one's asking you to!
[CLEARS THROAT]
Jimmy Carter!
Jimmy! In the elevator!
We'll take it from here.
-Mr. President--
-Jimmy, you got robot problems,
and bad!
JIMMY: I left my money
in my room! I'm sorry!
Your very life hangs
in the balance.
Help! Help!
Mr. President, I believe in you!
I always have! That's why--
Tick! Tick!
Don't squeeze his head!
-But--
-That doesn't work on anybody.
Remarkably spry.
-Men in wrestling outfits! Help!
-Mr. President, please!
-Help! Circus freaks! Help!
-Please, Mr. President.
I know we look strange,
but we're here to help you.
There's a Soviet killing machine
out there with your name on it,
-it could strike at any moment.
-I don't believe you.
[THUDS]
Great Molly Hatchet!
Jimmy Carter, you have been sentenced to death.
-Not so fast!
-Destroy Jimmy Carter.
You and what army, pinko?
Knock it off!
[GRUNTS]
Don't worry, Mr. President,
everything's going be okay,
-[GROANS]
-I think.
-Good helmet!
-Destroy Jimmy Carter.
Whoa! That's dirty pool!
[TICK GRUNTING]
Must...
use...
head...
to...
slow...
elevator's...
fall!
Oh, merciful Lord,
we're gonna die!
No, we're not, Mr. Ex-President.
Grab on to me and hold tight!
[ARTHUR CHEERS]
[GRUNTS]
Oh, yes, it's too late we learn
that communism does not pay.
[ROBOT BEEPS]
So, don't have a snappy Soviet
comeback for that one, do we?
[CRASHING]
Gravity, is a harsh mistress.
And that's how we vanquished
our first super-villain.
And how Arthur learned to fly,
and how we gave Jimmy Carter
a mild concussion.
[LAUGHING]
We saved a President!
And yet,
the evening's greatest victory,
is the friendship forged
between this heroic duo.
TICK: Inseparable!
Bonded together by the crazy
glue of justice,
till death do they part!
We saved a President.
You two are the talk
of the town, you know,
I'd be honored
if you'd sign my cast.
Sure!
Boys, that was
excellent work out there,
I'm sorry I was somewhat
distracted earlier,
But I assure you I did come
to my senses,
before it was too late.
She's a beautiful woman but her
third base is very dangerous,
if you get my meaning.
TICK: Nope!
Here.
Fortune cookies, check.
Check!
Look! More strange treats
from the Orient!
[CHEWING]
A secret message...
from my teeth!
The road to Hell
is paved with good intentions.
I don't get it.
[EXPLOSIONS, SCREAMING OUTSIDE]
-[MOOING]
-Damn! It's Apocalypse Cow!
Arthur! Evil is afoot
and hoofing it with dark gusto!
Let's go!
I would not go out there,
my little friend.
Apocalypse Cow is 50 feet tall.
She shoots fire from her tits.
Quickly chum!
There's fire everywhere!
-But Batmanuel said udder--
-Fight fire with Arthur!
Well, I'll just get the check.
It's your destiny.
[PHONE RINGING]
Batmanuel. Diego!
[LAUGHING]
[CRASHING]
How is your sister?
is a lonely one,
filled with hardship and danger.
The few who answer the call
must leave comfort, safety and often sanity behind.
But someone's gotta
stand the heat
and stay in the kitchen!
Someone's gotta don
the oven mitts
of all that's right
and strangle the red-hot throat of all that's wrong!
This is that someone's story.
ARTHUR: Hey! A bus!
He still here?
Yup.
He stands in silence,
stoic, godlike.
The mysterious blue avenger,
who has become legend
to the simple folk
of this bus station.
But glory will not distract him
from his vigil.
[BANGING]
MAN: Come on!
Come on, come on!
Metal fiend!
Stand back, citizen!
So, vending menace,
we meet again.
Did you jiggle the thing?
Armless bandit!
Empty your bladder
of that bitter black urine
men call coffee!
It has its price,
and that price has been paid!
[WHACKING]
Java devil,
you are now my bitch.
Well, here you are,
weary traveler,
one steaming hot cup of justice!
No need to thank me,
it's my sworn duty
to defend this bus station,
against the ravages of evil.
Uh, you dropped this.
Hey...
a bus ticket.
Apparently, I intended to go
on a trip to The City.
Why?
Well, looks to me like,
you finally freed us
from the tyranny
of the coffee machine.
So perhaps my work here is done!
Perhaps it's time
that I moved on to a place
where there's...
-Stuff to do?
-Stuff to do!
Stuff to do...
Well, goodbye,
grateful Bus Station Man!
You don't know what
you'll do without me,
but shed no tears.
Goodbye, plucky, pimply teen.
I think you're ready now
to hear the truth.
This wasn't really
a magic hubcap.
The magic was inside you
all along.
[HORN HONKING]
Well, destiny honks the horn
of gotta go. To The City!
Who was that blue stranger?
He was "The Tick".
Sir, I'm sure that
Human Resources can handle this,
-no need for you--
-A man's life is at stake,
I'm taking this bull
by the horns personally.
Good lord! I'm too late.
[GROANS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
-Mister-- Mister Fishladder!
-Aha.
It is still Arthur, isn't it?
Arthur, my time is worth
17 dollars a second.
I want an explanation,
and I want it to cost
less than 1500 dollars!
-[BANGS]
-Go!
Oh, uh...
-Well, it'’s hard to explain--
-Fifty-one dollars.
Mr. Fishladder,
I have been living a lie.
I am more than just
a mild-mannered accountant,
Now I do good work for this firm
and I value my job.
It's just-- My entire life
has become nothing but...
-numbers and deductions and IRA.
-Two hundred and fifty-five.
And granted, I've been
doing my parent's
tax returns since I was six.
But even then, I knew
I had a higher calling.
I can't hide from it any longer.
-I--
-Don't say it!
I am going
to become a superhero!
You know, part-time at first.
Christ in Heaven!
Look at yourself, you're built
like a sensible shoe.
You shouldn't be
jumping around town
in a body sock fighting crime!
Well, I haven't actually fought
any crime yet.
Good! Keep it that way!
Crime fights back!
Remember the lesson of Metcalfe.
-Metcalfe?
-Metcalfe!
Head of Shipping and Receiving,
third floor. Metcalfe!
He lost all his game pieces,
just like you.
Cashed in his 401K
and bought a jet pack!
Now the poor bastard
needs a machine... to poop!
Mr. Fishladder, I know that
sort of thing can happen. But--
But you're gonna ride
this thing out to the bloody,
gruesome end, aren't you?
Well, maybe not all the way
to the end, but, you know,
for a while.
Mr. Fishladder,
-I have to try.
-Time's up!
Here's the way I see it,
you're either a man with a job
or an idiot in a bunny suit.
You can't be both.
Not at Worldwide
Fishladder and Sons.
So, what's it gonna be? Huh?
TICK: It's gonna be
a tough road to hoe,
but he's just the Joe to hoe it.
For destiny has called on him, and even now he feels her warm,
moist hand at the small of his back, pushing, pushing.
[THUDS]
Losing that job was
the best thing
that could've happened to me.
That paycheck was a noose
around my neck.
Now I can be like you.
A superhero!
Oh, crap.
The noblest profession.
Risking it all for
the common good, that's our job.
They may call us an accountant
but we can't
deny our true natures,
even if all of our friends
and relatives
tell us we're good at math.
The hero's life! Our destiny!
Suit doesn't do a lot for you.
Make you look like a...
Easter Bunny.
-It's a flying suit.
-Easter Bunny can't fly.
Well, I can.
I haven't yet.
But all I've to do is go to the
top of a building and jump off.
Go ahead. Who cares?
I'm gonna do it tonight.
I think he's gonna fall down
a lot and die.
Oh, crap.
City! City, I am The Tick!
[BANGS]
And you have melted my heart.
From this day forth,
I will spread my buttery justice
over your every nook and cranny.
Hear me, oh, city, my city.
[METAL RATTLING]
Your toast will never
go bare again!
[BURPS]
Who am I kidding?
Comrades! The Red Scare.
The finest secret Soviet
super weapon 1979 had to offer.
One touch of this button,
and we'll have an unstoppable
engine of death at our command.
-1979? Does it still work?
-Does it still work,
it'’s a Plotski!
COMRADE #1: Ivan Plotski,
the best scientist ever!
A toast, my friends,
to the Russian American
Coalition for the Annihilation
of the U.S. Postal System!
Nostrovia!
[THROWS UP]
Sorry.
[GRUNTS]
Rabbit person wants
to make problems?
It's really more
of a moth thing.
-He wants to be a superhero.
-Let's teach him the lesson
of Metcalfe.
Metcalfe?
-IN UNISON: Metcalfe!
No! [SCREAMS]
My first damsel in distress!
[TIRES POPPING]
Unhand that woman!
[GRUNTING]
Oh.
Awkward moment.
Sorry there, Moth Man.
Didn't mean to interrupt.
Although, I sure would like
a slice of your righteous
combat pie.
-What do you say?
-Help!
Hey, great! Thanks!
Wicked men, you face The Tick.
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTING]
TICK: Incoming!
Single file! Knock it off!
[GLASS SMASHING]
TICK: Heads up!
Here you go, chum!
[CHUCKLES]
TICK: Don't do drugs!
[GRUNTING]
TICK: There's more where
that came from!
He breathes in deep the
sweet air of his first victory.
And with the newly-won
friendship of his fellow warrior
he stands tall against the
inevitable horrors to come.
Come on Moth Man!
To the rooftops!
[BOMB TICKS]
[ELECTRONIC WHIRRING]
[THUDS]
[FOOTSTEP THUDS]
It all happens here
on the rooftops.
Brightly clad stallions,
running the most dangerous
steeplechase of them all.
Flanks sweaty, nostrils flaring.
We heroes are our own jockeys,
chum, we ride ourselves,
and hard!
Robot!
I saw a robot!
You saw a robot?
You lucky duck.
-Wow!
-Haven't seen you around before!
I am, Batmanuel!
You may have heard of me.
I get a lot of press.
You were the one who saved that
trolley full of supermodels!
Yes. In fact, I saved them
three times in one night,
if you get my meaning.
Nope.
Batmanuel thank God you're here.
Listen, there's this big red--
[PHONE RINGING]
Batmanuel. On a roof, of course.
Huh?
Yes, the doors open at midnight.
Aha. And invite Diego.
I like his sister.
She's Catholic.
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]
Cool walkie-talkie.
Gentlemen! I'm Captain Liberty.
Once again,
the nation is in peril.
No, I'm telling you, Falco died.
Sí! Amadeus, Amadeus.
He is a dead person!
Captain Liberty,
thank God you're here! Listen,
there's a big red--
There's no time to chat,
I'm afraid this is top priority.
The CIA has tracked a secret
Soviet superweapon to The City.
Code-named The Red Scare,
-One hundred percent lethal.
-Exactly! Exactly!
That's the
biggest darn whirlybird
I have ever seen!
[EXPLOSION]
So, Janet! Back in bed
with the CIA, eh?
You certainly do your best work
undercover.
Stow it you infant, I don't have
time for your nonsense.
You had a little time
for it last month,
on top of that water tower.
I saved her too, once,
if you know what I'm saying.
-Nope!
-ARTHUR: Everybody! The robot!
It's right down there!
I'm working on
having him deported.
She fears the demons I've awoken
in her womanly places.
He just flipped over a car!
Ground One to Airship target the
Eurotrash, fire on my command.
Lesbian!
We should've taken your country
when we had the chance.
I still have your panties.
-He's got rockets...
-Give me those, you weasel!
Don't fight like a girl, Janet,
fight like a woman!
[EXPLOSIONS BELOW]
[GROANING AMOROUSLY]
Hey, he's getting away!
[GROANING]
[SQUELCHING]
Oh, I stepped in gum!
-[TICK SIGHS]
-[GROANING]
What's wrong with you people?
You're superheroes.
You're supposed to be,
you know, heroic!
Sticky pink devil!
-Greasy twerp!
-Right-wing ice queen!
[GROANING AMOROUSLY]
Who puts gum on a roof!
Well, it's been a shattering,
disillusionment. Good night.
[GROANING CONTINUES]
What was that about a robot?
Little guy?
BATMANUEL:
Stroke my ears.
Little chum?
[GROANING CONTINUES]
You're an idiot in a bunny suit.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Arthur!
Arthur!
[DOOR CRASHING]
Hello again!
Your door is broken.
The knob came off.
What are you doing here?
Moth Man, this is incredible!
It looks just like an apartment!
-What?
-Alright. Show me your trigger.
My what?
Your secret
headquarters trigger.
The switch that pops up
all your secret
crime busting equipment!
Is this it?
-[SPARKS FLYING]
-[LIGHTBULB BREAKS]
Say! What does your sofa
turn into?
It turns into a bed.
Well, that's a start.
What else you got?
Nothing! I've got nothing,
this is just an apartment!
What are you doing here?
I followed you home! I got
something I wanna show you.
Look!
This whole thing was a mistake.
Apparently, superheroes
are just a bunch of egotistical,
self-centered,
sexually frustrated
kindergartners.
-No offense intended.
-None comprehended!
It's just,
I thought they were supposed to
risk it all for the common good!
You know, help the down trodden?
The sad part is,
I'm the down trodden.
I'm not Moth Man,
I'm not a superhero,
I'm not even
an accountant anymore!
I'm just Arthur.
Arthur! Listen to me carefully!
I believe in you! I always have!
That's why I'm here!
Destiny dressed you
this morning, my friend,
and now, fear is trying
to pull off your pants!
If you give up, if you give in,
then you're gonna end up naked
with fear just standing there,
laughing at your
dangling unmentionables!
Oh, wait! I almost forgot
the best part.
I got to thinking
you might be on to something
about this whole
Red Scare thing.
Figured maybe we should
interrogate somebody.
-Please help me!
-Help you?
You were gonna Metcalfe me!
Easy there, Bad Cop!
Think you cracked this nut.
Alright, you heard the man.
Give him the skinny.
The Red Scare is a relentless
robotic assassin,
built in the late seventies,
and-- and-- and programmed
to kill Jimmy Carter.
We were going to use it to kill
the Postmaster General,
but you thwarted us
before we had the chance.
You see, Arthur? You thwart!
What, then it must still
be programmed.
Oh, my God.
Jimmy Carter is in town!
Jimmy Carter is in town!
Heavens to Betsy,
what are the odds?
Quickly chum, Jimmy needs us now
more than ever!
-Us?
-Us!
TICK: I have no money!
Five dollars, 15 percent...
Just keep the change.
-TICK: Clear the building!
-DRIVER: Hey! Idiot!
-TICK: The Russians are coming,
-ARTHUR: Sorry.
TICK: The Russians are coming.
To the penthouse!
Tick, this is insane,
I can't fight the Red Scare!
-Yes, you can.
-I'm just an accountant!
-People change.
-People die.
-No, they don't.
-Yes, they do!
Not on my watch, they don't!
Looks like we're gonna be late.
But I don't wanna poop
with a machine!
No one's asking you to!
[CLEARS THROAT]
Jimmy Carter!
Jimmy! In the elevator!
We'll take it from here.
-Mr. President--
-Jimmy, you got robot problems,
and bad!
JIMMY: I left my money
in my room! I'm sorry!
Your very life hangs
in the balance.
Help! Help!
Mr. President, I believe in you!
I always have! That's why--
Tick! Tick!
Don't squeeze his head!
-But--
-That doesn't work on anybody.
Remarkably spry.
-Men in wrestling outfits! Help!
-Mr. President, please!
-Help! Circus freaks! Help!
-Please, Mr. President.
I know we look strange,
but we're here to help you.
There's a Soviet killing machine
out there with your name on it,
-it could strike at any moment.
-I don't believe you.
[THUDS]
Great Molly Hatchet!
Jimmy Carter, you have been sentenced to death.
-Not so fast!
-Destroy Jimmy Carter.
You and what army, pinko?
Knock it off!
[GRUNTS]
Don't worry, Mr. President,
everything's going be okay,
-[GROANS]
-I think.
-Good helmet!
-Destroy Jimmy Carter.
Whoa! That's dirty pool!
[TICK GRUNTING]
Must...
use...
head...
to...
slow...
elevator's...
fall!
Oh, merciful Lord,
we're gonna die!
No, we're not, Mr. Ex-President.
Grab on to me and hold tight!
[ARTHUR CHEERS]
[GRUNTS]
Oh, yes, it's too late we learn
that communism does not pay.
[ROBOT BEEPS]
So, don't have a snappy Soviet
comeback for that one, do we?
[CRASHING]
Gravity, is a harsh mistress.
And that's how we vanquished
our first super-villain.
And how Arthur learned to fly,
and how we gave Jimmy Carter
a mild concussion.
[LAUGHING]
We saved a President!
And yet,
the evening's greatest victory,
is the friendship forged
between this heroic duo.
TICK: Inseparable!
Bonded together by the crazy
glue of justice,
till death do they part!
We saved a President.
You two are the talk
of the town, you know,
I'd be honored
if you'd sign my cast.
Sure!
Boys, that was
excellent work out there,
I'm sorry I was somewhat
distracted earlier,
But I assure you I did come
to my senses,
before it was too late.
She's a beautiful woman but her
third base is very dangerous,
if you get my meaning.
TICK: Nope!
Here.
Fortune cookies, check.
Check!
Look! More strange treats
from the Orient!
[CHEWING]
A secret message...
from my teeth!
The road to Hell
is paved with good intentions.
I don't get it.
[EXPLOSIONS, SCREAMING OUTSIDE]
-[MOOING]
-Damn! It's Apocalypse Cow!
Arthur! Evil is afoot
and hoofing it with dark gusto!
Let's go!
I would not go out there,
my little friend.
Apocalypse Cow is 50 feet tall.
She shoots fire from her tits.
Quickly chum!
There's fire everywhere!
-But Batmanuel said udder--
-Fight fire with Arthur!
Well, I'll just get the check.
It's your destiny.
[PHONE RINGING]
Batmanuel. Diego!
[LAUGHING]
[CRASHING]
How is your sister?