The Ms. Pat Show (2021–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Down With the King - full transcript
As Pat continues to do well on the tour, she must determine if the cost of succeeding is worth the price of her soul; at home, Junebug's pregnancy scare raises eyebrows and suspicion with his new girlfriend.
- "The Ms. Pat Show"
was filmed
in front
of a live studio audience.
- The one thing
in this world, y'all,
that will turn a good person
to a goddamn fool is money.
It would turn a preacher
into a pimp,
a schoolteacher
into a dick-sucking crackhead
named Tinker Bell.
The only other thing
that will come close
to this type of evil, y'all,
is fame.
People will lose common sense
to be loved and accepted
by motherfuckers
who are ready to cancel them
for wiping their ass wrong.
Fame is a beautiful thing
if you can buy,
but what would that bullshit
cost you?
I told my son
if he ever at school
and one of them
crazy-ass white boys
come in there
and start shooting,
don't try to be no hero
'cause Black heroes
do not survive.
I said,
"Nigga, hit the floor
and throw a white bitch
on your back."
Thank y'all so much, y'all.
I'll be Ms. Pat.
- You were amazing tonight,
Pat-Pat.
That crowd was louder
than a toothless bitch's
morning breath.
- Can you believe
I just played a 10,000 seater?
I didn't even know
10,000 people lived in Tulsa
after them crazy-ass white
people burnt the shit down.
- Listen, and look at all
of this money that we made
on merch
and Denise Grease!
- I'm on a national comedy tour
making people laugh their asses
off, and look at you.
Your damn grease
got their edges growing back.
We're the hope of the slaves.
- I am so glad
that we did not let Tony
fuck up this opportunity
for us.
- Girl, Tony is a hot mess.
But as long
as he leave me alone
and let me make that money,
I don't give a flying fuck
what he do.
- Whoo!
Ain't it a rush,
making all them people
shit in their drawers?
- Tony, look, I want
to thank you for the chance.
And I know we had
a few bumps along the way,
but bumps make
good-ass stories.
- Ain't it the truth?
You know, Pat, most headliners
want a weak opener.
Make them look better.
- Oh, I get it.
It's sort of like
how you want to be in the photo
with a bucktoothed,
big-belly bitch.
Helps you shine.
- Exactly.
But me, I want
the funniest opener in town.
That way, when they kill it
and I come up and top that,
I deserve all the love I get.
- He said
you're the best in town.
- I'm about to faint.
- Y'all, come on
and get a little hit
of this booger sugar.
- No, thanks.
I can't do no cocaine, man.
Cocaine and high blood pressure
don't go together.
- Y'all,
don't bring the party down.
Come talk to me.
You know, if you stay in
this comedy game long enough,
you gon' need a little
pick-me-up from time to time.
This ain't nothing
but comedy vitamins.
[snorting]
- Vitamins
that got you dripping snot
like a motel air conditioner.
- I can't do no drugs, man.
I used to sell that shit.
But my kids grew up around
too many damn dope fiends.
I ain't never used it,
but I can tell you this.
My oldest son is so stupid,
I truly believe
that boy was born
with a damn crack baby spirit.
- [laughs]
- Nigga, I'm for real.
One time,
I took him down there
to take
one of them slow tests,
you know, to get me
a disability check,
'cause all my girlfriends
was doing the same shit,
'cause they kids
was special too.
Hell, I thought he was special.
- Uh-huh.
- I get down there
to take the test.
Do you know that that
motherfucker passed the test
and the lady told me
he was lazy?
And I slapped the shit out
of him.
I'm like, "Who the fuck told
you to read good today, bitch?"
Do you know
I had to beg that lady
for a handicapped sticker?
- [chuckles]
Now that's some funny shit.
Damn!
Which way is the bus?
I get confused.
- That's 'cause that shit
got your brain like a omelet.
I'ma start calling you Denny's.
- No.
You start calling me Mr. Free.
Y'all clean that up for me.
- No, the hell we not.
- That wasn't a question,
sweetheart.
I'll see y'all on the bus.
- He turn
into a whole nother person
when he on that shit,
don't he?
Mike Tyson-looking-ass nigga.
- Look, just quit talking.
That man got my whole future
in his hand.
Let's just clean the shit up.
- You can't do that. Do you
know how much that shit cost?
- Girl,
that's for the next artist.
- ♪ Come on,
it's time to go ♪
♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪
[doorbell rings]
- [sighs]
- Ah, I got it.
Watch out, I got it.
- Who is this?
Junebug is kissing.
Why? I'm dead.
I have died.
- Allison, meet my hater
of a sister, Ashley.
- O to the M to the G!
Get your behind over here! Ah!
It's so amazing to finally
meet my future big sis-in-law.
- Sis-in-law?
- Oh! And is this Brandon?
You must be my big bro-in-law.
- Must I?
- Oh, yes.
Me and Junie are going
to be together, like forever.
- And who, pray tell, is Junie?
- Oh, that's just
her little nickname for me.
- Um, babe, I'd love
to sit on the couch, but...
- Oh, I got you, babe.
- Hey!
- Ahem.
So how did you meet ol' Junie?
- We met on TikTok.
- But his videos are trash.
I love you,
but they trash.
- [laughs]
I love
how we all tease each other.
I wish my family was
as cool as yours, Junie.
But now, all they care about
is politics.
My dad is Mayor Malinowski,
unfortunately.
- Wait, your dad's the mayor?
- You damn right
that's unfortunate.
His policies have led
to mass displacement
of the unhoused with these
sweeps they've been doing.
- Don't listen to my sister.
She's a liberal elite.
- Well, actually,
I agree with Leelee.
- Ashley.
- I'm disgusted by my dad's
track record on the homeless.
- Unhoused.
- Thank you
for correcting me, Ashy.
- Ooh, little girl.
- We'd better go if we're gonna
make the "Downton Abbey" movie.
- Downtown what?
Who's Abby?
Ashley, what's going on?
- Hey.
What y'all doing in here?
Hi. Who is this?
- This is
Junebug's new girlfriend.
She's the mayor's daughter,
and she's taking Junebug
to see "Downton Abbey."
- OK, none of what you
just said made any sense.
- Ah!
- Oh!
- It is so good
to meet you, Mr. Carson.
Or should I say Dad?
- You shouldn't. No.
- Damn, he out there killing.
- Let me tell y'all
about my dumbass son.
When he was younger,
I took him down
to take the slow test, right?
I'm thinking my ass
is gonna get
one of them checks,
retard reparations.
- What?
He out there telling my story.
- OK, look here,
when he get off that stage,
you murk him from the bottom,
and I'ma fuck him up up top.
- Ah, just leave it alone.
- You don't even want
to murk him just a little?
- Look, shit happens, OK?
When a star like that want
to steal your material,
I guess I'm supposed
to be flattered.
I got a million more stories
where that shit came from.
- But that doesn't mean
that the one being used
ain't worth nothing.
You know what?
I got half a mind--
- Hey.
Don't say nothing, OK?
All it's gonna do
is create problem.
Pack this stuff up and
get your ass back on the bus.
Plus, that man about
to get off the damn stage.
- But it's your story, Pat.
- Yeah, but I wish he would
just tell
the fucking story right.
His retarded ass
don't even know
he can't say "retarded"
no more.
- Ah, where's my gear?
I forgot my bag.
- You forgot
your originality too.
- Excuse me?
- Look, I don't like
you stealing Pat's joke.
That shit was disrespectful.
And you had the nerve to do it
in her face.
- Bitch, I've been
in this comedy game
since I was 19 years old.
I ain't got
to steal a damn thing.
I took that shit.
I punched it up four times
and made it
four times as funny.
I'm a well of creativity!
- OK, well, it looks like
your well has run as dry
as a nun's panties
on a wet day.
- Just get your ass on the bus
and keep your mouth shut.
You hear me?
- Nigga, you better--
- Hey, don't, bitch.
I will crush
your sister's career
like a cockroach
that come out
when you got company!
Don't fuck with me!
Are we clear?
- Tony, all I'm saying--
- It ain't Tony.
Mr. Free.
Are we clear?
- As clear
as this gel-polished foot
I can put up your ass,
motherfucker!
You done fuck
with the wrong woman.
I'll fuck you all the way up
for hurting my sister,
motherfucker.
[doorbell rings]
[TV chatter]
- Allison,
what are you doing here?
- I ran away from home.
- And pausing the movie.
- Mm-hmm.
- What?
Why did you run away?
- Is it because your dad stands
for everything evil
in this world?
- Or is it because your family
made you take a slow test?
Yeah, but you passed.
Instead of your mom
being happy for you
because you can read so good,
she got upset and told you
that you set
the whole damn family back.
- You have got to take
my therapist recommendations.
- I ran away because I got
in a huge fight with my dad.
I was hoping I can stay here
for a few nights.
- Hell no!
- Oh, absolutely!
- Boy, are you high?
Mom and Dad would never let you
have a girl stay over.
- Yeah, especially a white--
widely interesting girl
like you, Allison.
- I need your help
sneaking me in, Ash.
- Are you high?
I don't live here.
- Don't worry.
I'll talk to my dad, OK?
You can stay in Janelle's room
while she's in New York
at that scholarship convention.
- What was this huge fight
with your dad even about?
- He totally freaked out
when I told him I was pregnant.
- Man, ugh, I hate
when my parents freak out.
It's like, come on, y'all.
Take a chill pill.
What did you just say?
- You're pregnant?
- No.
- OK, thank God.
- We're pregnant.
- So I caught my son
with a pocket pussy, right?
And he gonna try to play
like it wasn't his...
[DJ scratching]
[crowd cheering]
- What the fuck?
I don't give a fuck.
Y'all better have my money.
Tony, the fucking DJ out there
playing "Wobble"
in front of my damn set,
got these niggas dancing.
I had ten minutes to go.
Why he playing me like that?
- Ask your sister.
Get in there!
Yeah, yeah?
- What the hell, Denise?
- OK, I had to tell him
that he was dirty
for stealing your joke.
- God damn it!
- Well, it wasn't right, Pat.
Now I don't care
what all he's doing for us.
As your manager, I can't keep
letting him play us like this.
- See,
that's the fucking problem.
You always saying "us,"
but only one person
suffer the consequences.
And it's me.
- OK, well, the Pat that I know
and grew up with
would've tore that man
a new bootyhole
for stealing her shit.
- The Pat you grew up with
grew up poor as fuck.
- Well,
what does the Bible say?
"What does it profit a man
to gain the whole world,
yet lose his soul?"
- First of all,
I'm not a man.
Second of all, them fucking
verses don't pay no bill, OK?
This is the biggest opportunity
of my life,
and you're ruining it.
I knew I shouldn't have brought
your stupid ass on this tour.
- OK, hold up.
I'm a lot of things, Pat,
but stupid is not one of them.
Now, if this is you
after five minutes of success,
I'd hate to see what you
gon' be when you blow up.
I thought
we was closer than this.
- Me too.
It's my fucking dream.
Now stay out of it!
- Allison,
how far along are you?
- I'm 12 weeks,
which makes me nervous
because I'll be showing soon.
I'm a little nervous
about what the kids at school
are gonna say.
- They're probably gonna say
you're pregnant.
- Hey, y'all.
So, Allison,
Junebug tells me you had
a little fight with your father
and you needed a place to stay?
- Wait, hold up.
Please don't tell me
that Junebug duped you
in having this girl stay
at the house.
I am 30 years old,
and I still can't have girls
stay at the house.
But Junebug's
pregnant girlfriend--
- What now?
- Boy, I didn't tell him
that part yet!
- Couldn't hold water
if you were a bottle.
- What the hell
is he talking about, Junebug?
- Well, I--I, uh--
- What the hell
is he talking 'bout?
- I was gonna tell you
on his first birthday.
- Boy, you better be
lying to me in my face.
I know good and damn well
my 15-year-old son
ain't go knock up
some random girl
and ruin his life.
I swear for God, you best
be lying in my face, boy!
- It's true, Dad.
Your baby boy is about
to be a baby daddy.
Our name lives on.
[chuckles]
- Actually,
it might just die here and now.
All of you, out of here, now!
- Thanks for getting rid
of them, Dad.
We have so much to talk about.
- You too, Allison.
- Oh, but I--
- Go home. Uh-uh.
Uh-uh, I know you're mad
with your dad and everything,
but until that baby comes,
you're his problem, not mine.
I'm very disappointed
in you, son.
You have any idea
what your mama would say?
She spent your entire life
warning you kids
not to go the same route
that she did!
Look, man,
I know it's unrealistic
to expect you
to never have sex, OK?
But you could have
at least worn a condom!
- I did.
I guess the latex was just
no match for my soldiers.
I must got
that "Mortal Kombat" sperm.
- [growls]
- Hey, Tony, I just want
to apologize for Denise, OK?
She's always stepping
over her bounds
and talking out her ass.
- Well,
was she talking out her ass?
I just thought
her breath stank.
Well, it's water
under the bridge.
But, Pat, you want
to keep cashing them checks,
you better
get her ass in check.
- Look, I promise
she won't bother you again.
I got you.
- Well, that's good.
If you got me,
I got you.
You know,
I haven't forgotten
I promised you
those radio spots.
When we get to D.C.,
I'm on the air on "Snooze
Scoop" with Buzzy Da Host.
You want to roll?
- Hell yeah, nigga,
like a rock down the hill.
My mama always told me
to reach for the stars.
And she hope I hit the sun
and burn the fuck up.
- Hey, what you doing, Pops?
- Calling your mama
about this Junebug mess.
- I'll start calling
funeral homes.
- Dad, you should hang up.
- Why?
- 'Cause it doesn't matter
when she's gonna hear it.
He's still gon' die.
- I don't think
that girl is really pregnant.
And if she is,
it ain't Junebug's.
- What makes you say that?
- I asked him
when they hooked up.
He said it was one time.
Homecoming.
- Homecoming is the beginning
of babies coming home.
- I looked
at Junebug's Instagram.
He made a post
on homecoming night,
but that was seven weeks ago.
She just told us
she was 12 weeks pregnant.
- And?
- Math?
- Science?
Oh, 12 weeks.
It was seven weeks ago,
so that's...
That's a four-week difference!
- That's all right, son.
- It's not.
- "So, Ms. Pat,
how does it feel
to be the best comedian
in the whole world?"
"Oh, my God,
I told you bitches
"I was gon'
step on you hoes next!
"I made it, you bitches."
Oh.
Uh, I was just
testing the equipment.
- I saw your sister outside.
- Well, good,
'cause we ain't even speaking.
- Oh. Sorry to hear that.
Have you seen my husband?
- Yeah, he in the bathroom
taking a dump and a bump.
- Look, Ms. Pat, I know
we had our moment before,
but I saw you perform in Tulsa,
and you blew me away.
You are such an authentic,
unafraid type of woman.
- Shit.
Let a rat run
across a bitch feet.
You'll see fear then.
- [laughing]
[sobbing]
- Damn.
Why are you crying?
What's wrong?
With that big-ass ring
on your finger,
it say,
"Shut the fuck up."
- You can have it.
It's a sorry ring.
- Shit don't look sorry to me.
- I mean sorry as in "I fucked
that other bitch" ring.
You can keep it.
- Well,
since you being so generous,
you wanna give me them
Bottega shoes you got on too?
They ain't my size,
but I'ma stick them bitches
in the freezer with
a Ziploc bag with some water
so they can stretch out.
They'll be my size
in the morning.
- Well, you enjoy yourself.
Listen, it ain't like
it making my miserable,
low-down life any better.
- What's going on?
- Tony!
I'm tired of him
treating me like shit.
And I know you lied for him
a couple of weeks back
at that hotel.
- Look, I ain't have--
- Look, listen.
You ain't got to tell me, OK?
Sis, I know
what time it is, OK?
And that coke mess
just makes it even worse.
It's like he turns
into a whole nother person.
He fusses, he cheats,
and he puts his hands on me.
- Damn.
You getting your ass whipped
for some shoes and a ring?
Did the nigga
at least buy you some land?
You know,
'cause I can understand
a bitch getting knocked out
for 40 acres and a pool.
Well, did you at least
get the deed?
You can leave the nigga.
- What I'ma do out
on my own?
- Get a job.
Sell some pussy.
I mean...
I mean, did you sign a prenup?
- Yep.
He told me
I got to "prove" my love.
- What?
Pussy is proof!
And as old
as that nigga is, girl,
I know you got
to crank his dick up
like a window
in a 1997 Honda Civic.
- Look, Pat, I--
I grew up
with so many lonely women--
my mom, my granny--
and all of them
died alone and poor.
I told myself
I would never be like that.
At least now,
I'm rich and I'm married.
- Sound like
you're alone and poor to me.
- Well, I guess I never
thought about it like that.
But without that,
what else I got?
Oh, here he comes.
Keep this between us.
- I said I was sorry.
Please don't take this shit out
on Pat.
I just got a really big mouth.
- Yes, bitch, you do.
And you should try shutting it
sometime for a change.
Pat, I thought you told me
you were gon' keep her ass
away from me.
- She's trying to apologize.
- God made an apology
when he made that bitch's face.
- Look here, nigga,
my sister ain't gon' be
too many more bitches.
- No, it's OK, Pat.
- No, he ain't
gon' keep talking--
- Yo, what is going on in here?
Mr. Free,
we've been looking for you.
We gotta do some socials
for you and Ms. Pat
before the interview.
We're going live
in ten minutes.
Not 15, not 20.
Let's go!
- Who the fuck is that
"Sesame Street"-looking nigga?
- I don't know, but let's go,
since it's time to go.
Pat, you gonna go ahead
and fuck this up
like you do
everything else too?
Yeah, every female in my life
is driving my ass nuts
right about now!
- Well, Tony,
you've been in this game
since before I was born.
What do you think is
the key to your longevity?
- Well, if you're
gonna stay in this game,
it comes down to originality.
See, a lot of comics be
stealing other people's style,
biting off
of other people's jokes.
But if you want to make it,
you've got to find your voice.
That's what will
make you stand out.
- Yeah, you're right, 'cause
I saw somebody post that story
you told the other night
in San Antonio about your son.
Man, I was dying.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, what can I say?
Sometimes
shit just comes to me.
- OK, well,
do you have any other tips
for the young cats coming up?
- Yeah, fellas.
Get yourself a good woman.
Lord knows I did.
Hey, baby.
- That's right.
Tony's wife is in the studio
with us today,
for those of you
who are listening
and not watching
the livestream.
- Yeah, fellas,
let me give you some advice
on how to treat a woman.
- This should be good.
- What's that, Pat?
- She ain't say nothing.
Listen.
You get you a good woman,
and you buy a lot of designer
clothes, designer purses,
designer shoes, diamonds.
And then you got to give her
that good dick every night,
yeah.
And boy, she will stay with you
for the rest of your life.
- Oh, OK.
Well, you heard it here, folks.
Gifts and dick.
- That's right.
You gotta dick 'em down.
See, women are like dogs.
It don't take much to complete
their little sad lives.
Ain't that right, Pat?
- Oh, shit.
Ms. Pat, what's it like for you
to be on tour with Tony?
- Go on!
Tell 'em!
- Well, you know, I, uh--
I've been listening
to Tony Free comedy albums
ever since
I've been a authorized user
on white people credit cards.
Now they didn't know I was
a authorized user, but I was.
I mean, I'm his biggest fan.
- Oh, you know I like it
when you talk like that.
- I mean,
this man is a comedy hero.
- It's so sweet of you
to say those things.
- But they wasn't lying when
they say never meet your idol,
'cause they will let you down
like a nigga who owe you $20
when a nigga know
he got your $20,
standing in line,
eating Popeye's with your $20.
- Oh, shit.
Tony, she clowning you!
- Oh,
she's just joking, though.
Now you're joking, right, Pat?
- Hell no, I ain't joking!
And you know
that joke he did on stage
the other night about his son,
he stole that shit from me.
He ain't even got no son.
Do he, Naomi?
- Nope. No kids.
Tony didn't want none.
- I guess you forgetting
you had that miscarriage.
- See, he ain't
even got no kids.
Done stole my damn joke
about my son when he's a moron.
That's my goddamn son.
And I better be able to
steal something from his ass.
- You know,
all this part of the act.
Do you understand?
- Bitch, this ain't no act!
- Who you calling a bitch,
bitch?
- You, bitch!
- Bitch!
- And you an asshole for what
you said about your wife too,
talking about designer shit,
you coked-out, dick-ass nigga.
But that don't replace
you respecting your wife.
- What I can't respect
is a comic
that can't take a damn joke.
- That wasn't no joke.
You meant that shit.
See, I know men like you.
I've been in a relationship
with one.
Took a gunshot
to the back of the head
until I learned my damn worth!
- Ms. Pat is going in
right now!
- Now where are the cameras at?
Hey, ladies in D.C.,
don't you wait
to get your wig blown off
before you leave a lowdown,
dirty-ass nigga like Tony Free.
- You know your Black ass
off the tour, right?
- I don't give a fuck!
Ladies, it's good
to have dreams.
But just like my sister,
Denise said,
that the Bible said,
not at the cost of your soul.
And she should know
'cause she read that shit.
- Y'all hear that?
Don't let this fame shit
come at the cost of your soul.
- Man, fuck fake-ass Tony Free
and that California raisin
shriveled-up pussy
he crawled out of in the 1900s!
I'm out this bitch.
Denise, call us an Uber.
- Well,
can we beat his ass first?
- Oh, we can't beat a nigga ass
who got some money,
but we can hire a nigga
who ain't got no money
to beat that nigga ass.
- OK, I'ma call Pookie.
- What the fuck going on here?
- Now hold on, Ms. Pat.
Before you leave,
you gotta promise to come back
and tell me about how you got
your weave shot off.
- Chile, I will, but never
with Tony Freak again.
- And you ain't the only one
done with his trifling ass.
- I guess she didn't like them
gifts and that dick, brother.
- Oh, shit.
You just talking, baby.
You ain't going to let some
unfunny ho come between us!
You'll be broke and alone
for the rest of your life.
- Well, today is the last day
I'm gonna be broken and alone.
- But don't you
got a prenup, girl?
Go and pick that shit up.
Here you go.
Right here.
We gon' need that.
- Well, that was the weirdest
interview we've ever done.
Tony, do you have anything
to say for yourself?
- As a matter of fact, I do.
You can catch me on--
- Unfortunately,
that's all the time we've got.
[knocks on glass]
Ooh!
[doorbell rings]
- Mr. Carson.
- Hi, Mr. Malinowski.
Right.
Come on in.
- Feel free to call me Jack.
I like to get to know
each of my citizens
on a personal level,
especially the ones
that impregnate my daughter.
- Excuse me?
- Mr. Mayor,
I'm Ashley.
- Hello, Ashley.
It's so nice to meet--
- Oh, not nice.
Why did you pass
that anti-trans legislation?
- Come on, sweetheart. I don't
want to talk legislation.
I'm the mayor.
- You're the devil.
- Uh, have a seat, Mr. Mayor.
- Thank you.
Well, it seems that your son
has gotten my daughter
into quite the predicament.
- It seems so.
- I really appreciate
the invite
to come down here
and work this thing out.
And I'm so relieved to see
that your boy comes
from a decent family.
- Ooh.
Don't be calling him no boy.
He's a grown 15.
- I just came here
to discuss a plan of action.
- Yeah, well,
before we get on with that,
I just want to get
into a few more details
to get to the bottom
of everything.
See, my daughter
asked your daughter
how far along she was.
- Yes, she's 12 weeks.
She's got the sonogram
to prove it.
- Good.
It's good that you have that
because we're gonna need that
as proof
that Junebug is not the father
of that baby!
- Boom!
- In your face!
- Ow!
- Ow!
- Mayor Malinowski,
Junebug told us
that they were
only together once.
That was homecoming night.
That was seven weeks ago.
Those dates
don't match up, man.
- No, they do not.
And the only person
that gets pregnant that fast
and knows it is Keke Wyatt.
And you don't know who that is.
- Mm.
So what do you have to say
for yourself, Allison?
- [whispers]
What should I say, Daddy?
- Why are you asking him
what to do?
- Um...
Because this was all
his stupid idea!
The baby isn't yours, Junie.
- What?
- I hooked up
with this other Black guy
a few months before I met you.
- Wait, wait, wait.
I thought I was your first.
- I, uh--
he didn't want anything
to do with me or the baby.
And I've seen enough "Teen Mom"
to know that
it wasn't gonna work out.
So I told Dad,
and he thought
you'd be a safer option,
politically speaking.
- So you put her up to this?
You should be ashamed
of yourself, man.
- Look.
What do you want me to say?
I'm running for re-election
on the Republican ticket.
I couldn't let Allison
get an abortion.
We don't believe in those.
- Oh, not until you knock up
a mistress or two
on the road, right?
- You know Caroline?
- What?
- I'm really sorry, Junie.
For what it's worth,
I think you would have
been a really good dad.
- I can't believe
you used me and lied to me.
You don't get
to call me Junie anymore.
- You know, we could
still make this work.
Name your price.
- Oh, please.
You lucky
I didn't call the media.
Get the hell up out
of my house, man.
- Can I still count
on your vote next month?
- You got three seconds
before you can count
on this ass-whupping.
Boy, get your white ass
out of here, boy!
Look, I'm so sorry, Junebug.
I'm just glad that we through
with all that mess.
I don't know how
I would have broke that news
to your mama, though.
- No news
would have been broke.
Just y'all's necks.
And there's no telling
what she would have
broken off of Junebug.
- Uh, I got a guess.
- You know, Junebug, you got
to be a little bit more careful
about the women
that you lay down with, son.
Hmm?
You know what?
I think that you need to watch
"A Thin Line
Between Love and Hate."
Mm-hmm.
And you're grounded.
- For what?
- For what could have been.
- Sorry she made you
feel stupid, Bug.
- Stupid?
[scoffs]
I finally got to have sex.
I feel incredible.
- Yeah.
- And I mean, come on.
I almost got a Republican's
daughter pregnant?
Shoot.
I'm trying to end racism.
- Ugh.
I never thought I'd be so happy
to get to a home
that I sleep on a pullout.
- Remind me
to never fly Spirit again.
That shit should be called
Break Your Fucking Spirit.
I'm tired.
- Yeah, well,
you should be
after digging
in that man's ass like that.
- Denise.
- Huh?
- Sorry
about the bullshit today.
I know
you was just trying to help.
And that was the first
big opportunity I ever had,
so I kind of lost myself there
for a minute.
- Yeah, well,
a lot of people do.
I'm just glad you found her.
- Me too.
Don't forget to call Pookie.
- Oh, I already did.
He said he's gon' make it
look like he did it himself,
'cause I ordered the nigga
version of Jeffrey Epstein.
- [snoring]
[gasps] Shit.
What, you thought
I was coming for your ass?
- Oh, girl, I ain't know
what was going on.
I didn't expect you home
so soon.
- I got kicked off
the comedy tour.
- Kicked off?
What happened?
- Standing up
for my morals and shit.
- I'm sorry, baby.
You want to have sex?
- You've only been awake
for three seconds.
How the hell are you horny?
No, I'm tired.
- Whew. Thank God.
You ain't wash it,
I don't want it.
[snoring]
[upbeat music]
- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
♪ And she don't
take no stuff ♪
♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
♪ And you can't get enough ♪
♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
♪ With a man and kids ♪
♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
♪ And it's
"The Ms. Pat Show" ♪
was filmed
in front
of a live studio audience.
- The one thing
in this world, y'all,
that will turn a good person
to a goddamn fool is money.
It would turn a preacher
into a pimp,
a schoolteacher
into a dick-sucking crackhead
named Tinker Bell.
The only other thing
that will come close
to this type of evil, y'all,
is fame.
People will lose common sense
to be loved and accepted
by motherfuckers
who are ready to cancel them
for wiping their ass wrong.
Fame is a beautiful thing
if you can buy,
but what would that bullshit
cost you?
I told my son
if he ever at school
and one of them
crazy-ass white boys
come in there
and start shooting,
don't try to be no hero
'cause Black heroes
do not survive.
I said,
"Nigga, hit the floor
and throw a white bitch
on your back."
Thank y'all so much, y'all.
I'll be Ms. Pat.
- You were amazing tonight,
Pat-Pat.
That crowd was louder
than a toothless bitch's
morning breath.
- Can you believe
I just played a 10,000 seater?
I didn't even know
10,000 people lived in Tulsa
after them crazy-ass white
people burnt the shit down.
- Listen, and look at all
of this money that we made
on merch
and Denise Grease!
- I'm on a national comedy tour
making people laugh their asses
off, and look at you.
Your damn grease
got their edges growing back.
We're the hope of the slaves.
- I am so glad
that we did not let Tony
fuck up this opportunity
for us.
- Girl, Tony is a hot mess.
But as long
as he leave me alone
and let me make that money,
I don't give a flying fuck
what he do.
- Whoo!
Ain't it a rush,
making all them people
shit in their drawers?
- Tony, look, I want
to thank you for the chance.
And I know we had
a few bumps along the way,
but bumps make
good-ass stories.
- Ain't it the truth?
You know, Pat, most headliners
want a weak opener.
Make them look better.
- Oh, I get it.
It's sort of like
how you want to be in the photo
with a bucktoothed,
big-belly bitch.
Helps you shine.
- Exactly.
But me, I want
the funniest opener in town.
That way, when they kill it
and I come up and top that,
I deserve all the love I get.
- He said
you're the best in town.
- I'm about to faint.
- Y'all, come on
and get a little hit
of this booger sugar.
- No, thanks.
I can't do no cocaine, man.
Cocaine and high blood pressure
don't go together.
- Y'all,
don't bring the party down.
Come talk to me.
You know, if you stay in
this comedy game long enough,
you gon' need a little
pick-me-up from time to time.
This ain't nothing
but comedy vitamins.
[snorting]
- Vitamins
that got you dripping snot
like a motel air conditioner.
- I can't do no drugs, man.
I used to sell that shit.
But my kids grew up around
too many damn dope fiends.
I ain't never used it,
but I can tell you this.
My oldest son is so stupid,
I truly believe
that boy was born
with a damn crack baby spirit.
- [laughs]
- Nigga, I'm for real.
One time,
I took him down there
to take
one of them slow tests,
you know, to get me
a disability check,
'cause all my girlfriends
was doing the same shit,
'cause they kids
was special too.
Hell, I thought he was special.
- Uh-huh.
- I get down there
to take the test.
Do you know that that
motherfucker passed the test
and the lady told me
he was lazy?
And I slapped the shit out
of him.
I'm like, "Who the fuck told
you to read good today, bitch?"
Do you know
I had to beg that lady
for a handicapped sticker?
- [chuckles]
Now that's some funny shit.
Damn!
Which way is the bus?
I get confused.
- That's 'cause that shit
got your brain like a omelet.
I'ma start calling you Denny's.
- No.
You start calling me Mr. Free.
Y'all clean that up for me.
- No, the hell we not.
- That wasn't a question,
sweetheart.
I'll see y'all on the bus.
- He turn
into a whole nother person
when he on that shit,
don't he?
Mike Tyson-looking-ass nigga.
- Look, just quit talking.
That man got my whole future
in his hand.
Let's just clean the shit up.
- You can't do that. Do you
know how much that shit cost?
- Girl,
that's for the next artist.
- ♪ Come on,
it's time to go ♪
♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪
[doorbell rings]
- [sighs]
- Ah, I got it.
Watch out, I got it.
- Who is this?
Junebug is kissing.
Why? I'm dead.
I have died.
- Allison, meet my hater
of a sister, Ashley.
- O to the M to the G!
Get your behind over here! Ah!
It's so amazing to finally
meet my future big sis-in-law.
- Sis-in-law?
- Oh! And is this Brandon?
You must be my big bro-in-law.
- Must I?
- Oh, yes.
Me and Junie are going
to be together, like forever.
- And who, pray tell, is Junie?
- Oh, that's just
her little nickname for me.
- Um, babe, I'd love
to sit on the couch, but...
- Oh, I got you, babe.
- Hey!
- Ahem.
So how did you meet ol' Junie?
- We met on TikTok.
- But his videos are trash.
I love you,
but they trash.
- [laughs]
I love
how we all tease each other.
I wish my family was
as cool as yours, Junie.
But now, all they care about
is politics.
My dad is Mayor Malinowski,
unfortunately.
- Wait, your dad's the mayor?
- You damn right
that's unfortunate.
His policies have led
to mass displacement
of the unhoused with these
sweeps they've been doing.
- Don't listen to my sister.
She's a liberal elite.
- Well, actually,
I agree with Leelee.
- Ashley.
- I'm disgusted by my dad's
track record on the homeless.
- Unhoused.
- Thank you
for correcting me, Ashy.
- Ooh, little girl.
- We'd better go if we're gonna
make the "Downton Abbey" movie.
- Downtown what?
Who's Abby?
Ashley, what's going on?
- Hey.
What y'all doing in here?
Hi. Who is this?
- This is
Junebug's new girlfriend.
She's the mayor's daughter,
and she's taking Junebug
to see "Downton Abbey."
- OK, none of what you
just said made any sense.
- Ah!
- Oh!
- It is so good
to meet you, Mr. Carson.
Or should I say Dad?
- You shouldn't. No.
- Damn, he out there killing.
- Let me tell y'all
about my dumbass son.
When he was younger,
I took him down
to take the slow test, right?
I'm thinking my ass
is gonna get
one of them checks,
retard reparations.
- What?
He out there telling my story.
- OK, look here,
when he get off that stage,
you murk him from the bottom,
and I'ma fuck him up up top.
- Ah, just leave it alone.
- You don't even want
to murk him just a little?
- Look, shit happens, OK?
When a star like that want
to steal your material,
I guess I'm supposed
to be flattered.
I got a million more stories
where that shit came from.
- But that doesn't mean
that the one being used
ain't worth nothing.
You know what?
I got half a mind--
- Hey.
Don't say nothing, OK?
All it's gonna do
is create problem.
Pack this stuff up and
get your ass back on the bus.
Plus, that man about
to get off the damn stage.
- But it's your story, Pat.
- Yeah, but I wish he would
just tell
the fucking story right.
His retarded ass
don't even know
he can't say "retarded"
no more.
- Ah, where's my gear?
I forgot my bag.
- You forgot
your originality too.
- Excuse me?
- Look, I don't like
you stealing Pat's joke.
That shit was disrespectful.
And you had the nerve to do it
in her face.
- Bitch, I've been
in this comedy game
since I was 19 years old.
I ain't got
to steal a damn thing.
I took that shit.
I punched it up four times
and made it
four times as funny.
I'm a well of creativity!
- OK, well, it looks like
your well has run as dry
as a nun's panties
on a wet day.
- Just get your ass on the bus
and keep your mouth shut.
You hear me?
- Nigga, you better--
- Hey, don't, bitch.
I will crush
your sister's career
like a cockroach
that come out
when you got company!
Don't fuck with me!
Are we clear?
- Tony, all I'm saying--
- It ain't Tony.
Mr. Free.
Are we clear?
- As clear
as this gel-polished foot
I can put up your ass,
motherfucker!
You done fuck
with the wrong woman.
I'll fuck you all the way up
for hurting my sister,
motherfucker.
[doorbell rings]
[TV chatter]
- Allison,
what are you doing here?
- I ran away from home.
- And pausing the movie.
- Mm-hmm.
- What?
Why did you run away?
- Is it because your dad stands
for everything evil
in this world?
- Or is it because your family
made you take a slow test?
Yeah, but you passed.
Instead of your mom
being happy for you
because you can read so good,
she got upset and told you
that you set
the whole damn family back.
- You have got to take
my therapist recommendations.
- I ran away because I got
in a huge fight with my dad.
I was hoping I can stay here
for a few nights.
- Hell no!
- Oh, absolutely!
- Boy, are you high?
Mom and Dad would never let you
have a girl stay over.
- Yeah, especially a white--
widely interesting girl
like you, Allison.
- I need your help
sneaking me in, Ash.
- Are you high?
I don't live here.
- Don't worry.
I'll talk to my dad, OK?
You can stay in Janelle's room
while she's in New York
at that scholarship convention.
- What was this huge fight
with your dad even about?
- He totally freaked out
when I told him I was pregnant.
- Man, ugh, I hate
when my parents freak out.
It's like, come on, y'all.
Take a chill pill.
What did you just say?
- You're pregnant?
- No.
- OK, thank God.
- We're pregnant.
- So I caught my son
with a pocket pussy, right?
And he gonna try to play
like it wasn't his...
[DJ scratching]
[crowd cheering]
- What the fuck?
I don't give a fuck.
Y'all better have my money.
Tony, the fucking DJ out there
playing "Wobble"
in front of my damn set,
got these niggas dancing.
I had ten minutes to go.
Why he playing me like that?
- Ask your sister.
Get in there!
Yeah, yeah?
- What the hell, Denise?
- OK, I had to tell him
that he was dirty
for stealing your joke.
- God damn it!
- Well, it wasn't right, Pat.
Now I don't care
what all he's doing for us.
As your manager, I can't keep
letting him play us like this.
- See,
that's the fucking problem.
You always saying "us,"
but only one person
suffer the consequences.
And it's me.
- OK, well, the Pat that I know
and grew up with
would've tore that man
a new bootyhole
for stealing her shit.
- The Pat you grew up with
grew up poor as fuck.
- Well,
what does the Bible say?
"What does it profit a man
to gain the whole world,
yet lose his soul?"
- First of all,
I'm not a man.
Second of all, them fucking
verses don't pay no bill, OK?
This is the biggest opportunity
of my life,
and you're ruining it.
I knew I shouldn't have brought
your stupid ass on this tour.
- OK, hold up.
I'm a lot of things, Pat,
but stupid is not one of them.
Now, if this is you
after five minutes of success,
I'd hate to see what you
gon' be when you blow up.
I thought
we was closer than this.
- Me too.
It's my fucking dream.
Now stay out of it!
- Allison,
how far along are you?
- I'm 12 weeks,
which makes me nervous
because I'll be showing soon.
I'm a little nervous
about what the kids at school
are gonna say.
- They're probably gonna say
you're pregnant.
- Hey, y'all.
So, Allison,
Junebug tells me you had
a little fight with your father
and you needed a place to stay?
- Wait, hold up.
Please don't tell me
that Junebug duped you
in having this girl stay
at the house.
I am 30 years old,
and I still can't have girls
stay at the house.
But Junebug's
pregnant girlfriend--
- What now?
- Boy, I didn't tell him
that part yet!
- Couldn't hold water
if you were a bottle.
- What the hell
is he talking about, Junebug?
- Well, I--I, uh--
- What the hell
is he talking 'bout?
- I was gonna tell you
on his first birthday.
- Boy, you better be
lying to me in my face.
I know good and damn well
my 15-year-old son
ain't go knock up
some random girl
and ruin his life.
I swear for God, you best
be lying in my face, boy!
- It's true, Dad.
Your baby boy is about
to be a baby daddy.
Our name lives on.
[chuckles]
- Actually,
it might just die here and now.
All of you, out of here, now!
- Thanks for getting rid
of them, Dad.
We have so much to talk about.
- You too, Allison.
- Oh, but I--
- Go home. Uh-uh.
Uh-uh, I know you're mad
with your dad and everything,
but until that baby comes,
you're his problem, not mine.
I'm very disappointed
in you, son.
You have any idea
what your mama would say?
She spent your entire life
warning you kids
not to go the same route
that she did!
Look, man,
I know it's unrealistic
to expect you
to never have sex, OK?
But you could have
at least worn a condom!
- I did.
I guess the latex was just
no match for my soldiers.
I must got
that "Mortal Kombat" sperm.
- [growls]
- Hey, Tony, I just want
to apologize for Denise, OK?
She's always stepping
over her bounds
and talking out her ass.
- Well,
was she talking out her ass?
I just thought
her breath stank.
Well, it's water
under the bridge.
But, Pat, you want
to keep cashing them checks,
you better
get her ass in check.
- Look, I promise
she won't bother you again.
I got you.
- Well, that's good.
If you got me,
I got you.
You know,
I haven't forgotten
I promised you
those radio spots.
When we get to D.C.,
I'm on the air on "Snooze
Scoop" with Buzzy Da Host.
You want to roll?
- Hell yeah, nigga,
like a rock down the hill.
My mama always told me
to reach for the stars.
And she hope I hit the sun
and burn the fuck up.
- Hey, what you doing, Pops?
- Calling your mama
about this Junebug mess.
- I'll start calling
funeral homes.
- Dad, you should hang up.
- Why?
- 'Cause it doesn't matter
when she's gonna hear it.
He's still gon' die.
- I don't think
that girl is really pregnant.
And if she is,
it ain't Junebug's.
- What makes you say that?
- I asked him
when they hooked up.
He said it was one time.
Homecoming.
- Homecoming is the beginning
of babies coming home.
- I looked
at Junebug's Instagram.
He made a post
on homecoming night,
but that was seven weeks ago.
She just told us
she was 12 weeks pregnant.
- And?
- Math?
- Science?
Oh, 12 weeks.
It was seven weeks ago,
so that's...
That's a four-week difference!
- That's all right, son.
- It's not.
- "So, Ms. Pat,
how does it feel
to be the best comedian
in the whole world?"
"Oh, my God,
I told you bitches
"I was gon'
step on you hoes next!
"I made it, you bitches."
Oh.
Uh, I was just
testing the equipment.
- I saw your sister outside.
- Well, good,
'cause we ain't even speaking.
- Oh. Sorry to hear that.
Have you seen my husband?
- Yeah, he in the bathroom
taking a dump and a bump.
- Look, Ms. Pat, I know
we had our moment before,
but I saw you perform in Tulsa,
and you blew me away.
You are such an authentic,
unafraid type of woman.
- Shit.
Let a rat run
across a bitch feet.
You'll see fear then.
- [laughing]
[sobbing]
- Damn.
Why are you crying?
What's wrong?
With that big-ass ring
on your finger,
it say,
"Shut the fuck up."
- You can have it.
It's a sorry ring.
- Shit don't look sorry to me.
- I mean sorry as in "I fucked
that other bitch" ring.
You can keep it.
- Well,
since you being so generous,
you wanna give me them
Bottega shoes you got on too?
They ain't my size,
but I'ma stick them bitches
in the freezer with
a Ziploc bag with some water
so they can stretch out.
They'll be my size
in the morning.
- Well, you enjoy yourself.
Listen, it ain't like
it making my miserable,
low-down life any better.
- What's going on?
- Tony!
I'm tired of him
treating me like shit.
And I know you lied for him
a couple of weeks back
at that hotel.
- Look, I ain't have--
- Look, listen.
You ain't got to tell me, OK?
Sis, I know
what time it is, OK?
And that coke mess
just makes it even worse.
It's like he turns
into a whole nother person.
He fusses, he cheats,
and he puts his hands on me.
- Damn.
You getting your ass whipped
for some shoes and a ring?
Did the nigga
at least buy you some land?
You know,
'cause I can understand
a bitch getting knocked out
for 40 acres and a pool.
Well, did you at least
get the deed?
You can leave the nigga.
- What I'ma do out
on my own?
- Get a job.
Sell some pussy.
I mean...
I mean, did you sign a prenup?
- Yep.
He told me
I got to "prove" my love.
- What?
Pussy is proof!
And as old
as that nigga is, girl,
I know you got
to crank his dick up
like a window
in a 1997 Honda Civic.
- Look, Pat, I--
I grew up
with so many lonely women--
my mom, my granny--
and all of them
died alone and poor.
I told myself
I would never be like that.
At least now,
I'm rich and I'm married.
- Sound like
you're alone and poor to me.
- Well, I guess I never
thought about it like that.
But without that,
what else I got?
Oh, here he comes.
Keep this between us.
- I said I was sorry.
Please don't take this shit out
on Pat.
I just got a really big mouth.
- Yes, bitch, you do.
And you should try shutting it
sometime for a change.
Pat, I thought you told me
you were gon' keep her ass
away from me.
- She's trying to apologize.
- God made an apology
when he made that bitch's face.
- Look here, nigga,
my sister ain't gon' be
too many more bitches.
- No, it's OK, Pat.
- No, he ain't
gon' keep talking--
- Yo, what is going on in here?
Mr. Free,
we've been looking for you.
We gotta do some socials
for you and Ms. Pat
before the interview.
We're going live
in ten minutes.
Not 15, not 20.
Let's go!
- Who the fuck is that
"Sesame Street"-looking nigga?
- I don't know, but let's go,
since it's time to go.
Pat, you gonna go ahead
and fuck this up
like you do
everything else too?
Yeah, every female in my life
is driving my ass nuts
right about now!
- Well, Tony,
you've been in this game
since before I was born.
What do you think is
the key to your longevity?
- Well, if you're
gonna stay in this game,
it comes down to originality.
See, a lot of comics be
stealing other people's style,
biting off
of other people's jokes.
But if you want to make it,
you've got to find your voice.
That's what will
make you stand out.
- Yeah, you're right, 'cause
I saw somebody post that story
you told the other night
in San Antonio about your son.
Man, I was dying.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, what can I say?
Sometimes
shit just comes to me.
- OK, well,
do you have any other tips
for the young cats coming up?
- Yeah, fellas.
Get yourself a good woman.
Lord knows I did.
Hey, baby.
- That's right.
Tony's wife is in the studio
with us today,
for those of you
who are listening
and not watching
the livestream.
- Yeah, fellas,
let me give you some advice
on how to treat a woman.
- This should be good.
- What's that, Pat?
- She ain't say nothing.
Listen.
You get you a good woman,
and you buy a lot of designer
clothes, designer purses,
designer shoes, diamonds.
And then you got to give her
that good dick every night,
yeah.
And boy, she will stay with you
for the rest of your life.
- Oh, OK.
Well, you heard it here, folks.
Gifts and dick.
- That's right.
You gotta dick 'em down.
See, women are like dogs.
It don't take much to complete
their little sad lives.
Ain't that right, Pat?
- Oh, shit.
Ms. Pat, what's it like for you
to be on tour with Tony?
- Go on!
Tell 'em!
- Well, you know, I, uh--
I've been listening
to Tony Free comedy albums
ever since
I've been a authorized user
on white people credit cards.
Now they didn't know I was
a authorized user, but I was.
I mean, I'm his biggest fan.
- Oh, you know I like it
when you talk like that.
- I mean,
this man is a comedy hero.
- It's so sweet of you
to say those things.
- But they wasn't lying when
they say never meet your idol,
'cause they will let you down
like a nigga who owe you $20
when a nigga know
he got your $20,
standing in line,
eating Popeye's with your $20.
- Oh, shit.
Tony, she clowning you!
- Oh,
she's just joking, though.
Now you're joking, right, Pat?
- Hell no, I ain't joking!
And you know
that joke he did on stage
the other night about his son,
he stole that shit from me.
He ain't even got no son.
Do he, Naomi?
- Nope. No kids.
Tony didn't want none.
- I guess you forgetting
you had that miscarriage.
- See, he ain't
even got no kids.
Done stole my damn joke
about my son when he's a moron.
That's my goddamn son.
And I better be able to
steal something from his ass.
- You know,
all this part of the act.
Do you understand?
- Bitch, this ain't no act!
- Who you calling a bitch,
bitch?
- You, bitch!
- Bitch!
- And you an asshole for what
you said about your wife too,
talking about designer shit,
you coked-out, dick-ass nigga.
But that don't replace
you respecting your wife.
- What I can't respect
is a comic
that can't take a damn joke.
- That wasn't no joke.
You meant that shit.
See, I know men like you.
I've been in a relationship
with one.
Took a gunshot
to the back of the head
until I learned my damn worth!
- Ms. Pat is going in
right now!
- Now where are the cameras at?
Hey, ladies in D.C.,
don't you wait
to get your wig blown off
before you leave a lowdown,
dirty-ass nigga like Tony Free.
- You know your Black ass
off the tour, right?
- I don't give a fuck!
Ladies, it's good
to have dreams.
But just like my sister,
Denise said,
that the Bible said,
not at the cost of your soul.
And she should know
'cause she read that shit.
- Y'all hear that?
Don't let this fame shit
come at the cost of your soul.
- Man, fuck fake-ass Tony Free
and that California raisin
shriveled-up pussy
he crawled out of in the 1900s!
I'm out this bitch.
Denise, call us an Uber.
- Well,
can we beat his ass first?
- Oh, we can't beat a nigga ass
who got some money,
but we can hire a nigga
who ain't got no money
to beat that nigga ass.
- OK, I'ma call Pookie.
- What the fuck going on here?
- Now hold on, Ms. Pat.
Before you leave,
you gotta promise to come back
and tell me about how you got
your weave shot off.
- Chile, I will, but never
with Tony Freak again.
- And you ain't the only one
done with his trifling ass.
- I guess she didn't like them
gifts and that dick, brother.
- Oh, shit.
You just talking, baby.
You ain't going to let some
unfunny ho come between us!
You'll be broke and alone
for the rest of your life.
- Well, today is the last day
I'm gonna be broken and alone.
- But don't you
got a prenup, girl?
Go and pick that shit up.
Here you go.
Right here.
We gon' need that.
- Well, that was the weirdest
interview we've ever done.
Tony, do you have anything
to say for yourself?
- As a matter of fact, I do.
You can catch me on--
- Unfortunately,
that's all the time we've got.
[knocks on glass]
Ooh!
[doorbell rings]
- Mr. Carson.
- Hi, Mr. Malinowski.
Right.
Come on in.
- Feel free to call me Jack.
I like to get to know
each of my citizens
on a personal level,
especially the ones
that impregnate my daughter.
- Excuse me?
- Mr. Mayor,
I'm Ashley.
- Hello, Ashley.
It's so nice to meet--
- Oh, not nice.
Why did you pass
that anti-trans legislation?
- Come on, sweetheart. I don't
want to talk legislation.
I'm the mayor.
- You're the devil.
- Uh, have a seat, Mr. Mayor.
- Thank you.
Well, it seems that your son
has gotten my daughter
into quite the predicament.
- It seems so.
- I really appreciate
the invite
to come down here
and work this thing out.
And I'm so relieved to see
that your boy comes
from a decent family.
- Ooh.
Don't be calling him no boy.
He's a grown 15.
- I just came here
to discuss a plan of action.
- Yeah, well,
before we get on with that,
I just want to get
into a few more details
to get to the bottom
of everything.
See, my daughter
asked your daughter
how far along she was.
- Yes, she's 12 weeks.
She's got the sonogram
to prove it.
- Good.
It's good that you have that
because we're gonna need that
as proof
that Junebug is not the father
of that baby!
- Boom!
- In your face!
- Ow!
- Ow!
- Mayor Malinowski,
Junebug told us
that they were
only together once.
That was homecoming night.
That was seven weeks ago.
Those dates
don't match up, man.
- No, they do not.
And the only person
that gets pregnant that fast
and knows it is Keke Wyatt.
And you don't know who that is.
- Mm.
So what do you have to say
for yourself, Allison?
- [whispers]
What should I say, Daddy?
- Why are you asking him
what to do?
- Um...
Because this was all
his stupid idea!
The baby isn't yours, Junie.
- What?
- I hooked up
with this other Black guy
a few months before I met you.
- Wait, wait, wait.
I thought I was your first.
- I, uh--
he didn't want anything
to do with me or the baby.
And I've seen enough "Teen Mom"
to know that
it wasn't gonna work out.
So I told Dad,
and he thought
you'd be a safer option,
politically speaking.
- So you put her up to this?
You should be ashamed
of yourself, man.
- Look.
What do you want me to say?
I'm running for re-election
on the Republican ticket.
I couldn't let Allison
get an abortion.
We don't believe in those.
- Oh, not until you knock up
a mistress or two
on the road, right?
- You know Caroline?
- What?
- I'm really sorry, Junie.
For what it's worth,
I think you would have
been a really good dad.
- I can't believe
you used me and lied to me.
You don't get
to call me Junie anymore.
- You know, we could
still make this work.
Name your price.
- Oh, please.
You lucky
I didn't call the media.
Get the hell up out
of my house, man.
- Can I still count
on your vote next month?
- You got three seconds
before you can count
on this ass-whupping.
Boy, get your white ass
out of here, boy!
Look, I'm so sorry, Junebug.
I'm just glad that we through
with all that mess.
I don't know how
I would have broke that news
to your mama, though.
- No news
would have been broke.
Just y'all's necks.
And there's no telling
what she would have
broken off of Junebug.
- Uh, I got a guess.
- You know, Junebug, you got
to be a little bit more careful
about the women
that you lay down with, son.
Hmm?
You know what?
I think that you need to watch
"A Thin Line
Between Love and Hate."
Mm-hmm.
And you're grounded.
- For what?
- For what could have been.
- Sorry she made you
feel stupid, Bug.
- Stupid?
[scoffs]
I finally got to have sex.
I feel incredible.
- Yeah.
- And I mean, come on.
I almost got a Republican's
daughter pregnant?
Shoot.
I'm trying to end racism.
- Ugh.
I never thought I'd be so happy
to get to a home
that I sleep on a pullout.
- Remind me
to never fly Spirit again.
That shit should be called
Break Your Fucking Spirit.
I'm tired.
- Yeah, well,
you should be
after digging
in that man's ass like that.
- Denise.
- Huh?
- Sorry
about the bullshit today.
I know
you was just trying to help.
And that was the first
big opportunity I ever had,
so I kind of lost myself there
for a minute.
- Yeah, well,
a lot of people do.
I'm just glad you found her.
- Me too.
Don't forget to call Pookie.
- Oh, I already did.
He said he's gon' make it
look like he did it himself,
'cause I ordered the nigga
version of Jeffrey Epstein.
- [snoring]
[gasps] Shit.
What, you thought
I was coming for your ass?
- Oh, girl, I ain't know
what was going on.
I didn't expect you home
so soon.
- I got kicked off
the comedy tour.
- Kicked off?
What happened?
- Standing up
for my morals and shit.
- I'm sorry, baby.
You want to have sex?
- You've only been awake
for three seconds.
How the hell are you horny?
No, I'm tired.
- Whew. Thank God.
You ain't wash it,
I don't want it.
[snoring]
[upbeat music]
- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
♪ And she don't
take no stuff ♪
♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
♪ And you can't get enough ♪
♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
♪ With a man and kids ♪
♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
♪ And it's
"The Ms. Pat Show" ♪