The Ms. Pat Show (2021–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Pat on Tour - full transcript
When Ms. Pat and Denise join comic Tony Free's tour, Pat realizes it's true that people should never meet their heroes; when Terry has to work the graveyard shift, the kids throw a huge house party that goes awry.
- The Ms. Pat Show
was filmed in front
of a live studio audience.
- Y'all ever wonder why we
have to chase our dreams?
Why can't the motherfucker
just meet us halfway?
The great Nelson Mandela
spent 27 years
in jail following his dream,
and Kaepernick was on his knees
so long the nigga
got arthritis.
Sometimes chasing your dream
can trap your ass
in a nightmare.
Just watch.
- Hey, Pat,
somebody sent you something.
- Who's it from?
I'm pissing.
- Only one
of the biggest comedians
in the whole wide world.
[chuckles]
I thought you
was using the bathroom.
- I'm holding it.
- I still can't believe
you opening for Tony Free.
- Yeah.
- He is such a legend.
Open it.
I want to see what he got you.
And I hope it's so expensive,
it makes us ashamed
of our pathetic lives.
- Oh, my God.
A real Rolex.
- Oh, wow.
That is, without a doubt,
the most expensive thing
this family owns.
- Ah, but don't worry, Dad.
I'm sure Mom likes
the Home Depot gift card
you got her for her birthday
just as much.
- Wait till you get
your birthday gift--
oxygen.
- Mom, what does the card say?
- "Set your watch, Ms. Pat.
"It's time to become a star.
The Tony Free."
- Oh, Pat,
I remember when you first said
you wanted to do comedy.
You used to play his records
over and over again to learn.
- Girl, I was just
thinking about this today.
My hero.
It makes me so emotional.
- Oh, baby,
you look like you gonna cry.
- Thug bitches don't cry,
Terry.
We water.
Put this in the room.
It's too expensive
for me to take on tour.
Damn, Tony Free.
- Oh, it look like
he sent a bunch of stuff
for you kids too.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Now, don't you vultures
clean that.
Daddy gets his cut.
- Oh, see, now, this is cool.
When me and Ryan
went to go see him,
these were going
for like 50 bucks.
- 50 bucks?
Well, shit, Pat,
if Tony Free can get $50 a pop,
you should be able
to get, what, $20?
- I never really thought
about merchandise.
- OK, so if I can make you
some real money
with your merch,
will you promote me from your
"ass-istant" to your manager?
- You ain't even got
the job yet,
and you already asking
for a damn promotion.
- Yeah, she sound like
a real manager already.
- Yeah, because what
does a manager make?
Say, 20% of the cut?
- 10.
- You got yourself a deal.
- I didn't agree to nothing.
- You know what?
I'ma go call the girl who
did my "Mama died" T-shirts,
OK, because she'd be doing
silk screen and all that shit.
She like the Picasso
of puff paints.
About to make you rich, Pat-Pat
so that I, as your manager,
can get 20% of rich.
- You just said 10.
- OK, now, look here.
It's my job to try.
- Hey, we gonna miss you to
death while you're gone, baby.
- Oh.
- Well, hell,
where you going in a hurry?
- You broke it off
in my underwear.
- ♪ Come on,
it's time to go ♪
♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪
- Hey, kids, I'm working
the graveyard shift tonight.
And with your mama and Denise
out on tour,
Janelle, you're in charge.
- Wait, how come
Janelle is in charge?
I'm like a whole decade
older than her.
- Your ages are swapped
on the inside.
- Wow.
That's what you think of me?
- Of course not.
And plus, Janelle is reliable.
She's safe.
She's boring.
- Excuse me?
I'm not boring.
- Oh, baby girl.
Night, y'all.
Be good, or else Janelle's
gonna tell on you.
Love you.
- Love you, too.
- All right.
- I'm not boring.
[both laugh]
You know, I could have some
kind of "Euphoria" lifestyle
outside of here.
- "Euphoria," Janelle?
I mean, come on.
Your life is more like--
what's a TV show about nerds?
- Oh, I'm watching
one right now--
"Keenan and Coon."
- OK, look,
what do you even care
if we think you're boring?
- Because your thought
is false.
- OK, then prove it's false.
- OK, all right, fine.
We're alone, right?
There is not an adult in sight.
- Y'all gon' stop
disrespecting me.
I am grown!
- I think we should
throw a party.
- Oh, Janelle, you would never.
- Say I won't.
- You won't.
- Huh.
You just said it,
so it's happening.
- OK, yes!
Yes!
Brandon, come on.
Let's do it.
- It's up to Janelle.
She was placed in charge
after all,
so the decision is all hers.
- Janelle?
- Let's tear the club.
- Up.
Let's tear the club up.
- Oh, oh.
Let's tear the club up.
- Oh, my gosh.
- You don't mind me moving
a little Denise Grease
on the side do you, Pat?
- Sure, everybody need hair
product at a comedy show.
Look, I'm nervous.
I've never played
a place this big before.
- Oh, please, you gon' kill it
like you always do.
Oh, shit, there he is.
That's Tony.
- Oh, my God,
he's coming over here.
Motivate me!
Be my fucking manager.
- Oh, your ass
is juicy as hell.
- Oh, this is a squeeze-free
exit only ass.
- No, I was talking
to my sister.
I mean,
not that I wouldn't want
to squeeze or exit your ass.
- What the fuck wrong
with this lady?
- I'm sorry, Mr. Free.
She's stupid.
- No, I'm actually Denise,
Pat's sister slash ass-istant,
slash manager.
You get it, see,
I put the ass in assistant.
- You can hold up
with all them little ass jokes.
I hope she ain't part
of your writing team.
- Look.
I just want to thank you
for all the fancy things
that you sent me and my family,
and the room you got me
and Denise is amazing.
- That's the least I could do.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I gotta go call my wife.
If I don't talk to her
before every show,
I'm off my game.
Lord knows
I love that woman so!
- Yeah, because I actually
remember a photo of you two
on the cover of "Jet" with
the snakes and the baby oil.
That was classic.
- Indeed it was.
Well, nice meeting you both.
- Look at that.
Man is a comedy legend.
All this pussy on this tour,
he still like his wife.
- Oh, and one more thing--
any sales generated
by your little merch here,
I get 20% of that.
- 20%?
God only want 10.
- God ain't on this tour.
But God bless you though.
- Don't look at me like that.
He said all big tours get 20%.
- Well, that's
some false advertising.
How he want 20%,
and this nigga named Tony Free?
- All right.
- The most devastating...
- Uh, does this technically
qualify as a party?
Why is there no music?
- Because I thought people want
to hear the documentary.
- Why are you playing
a documentary at a party?
- It is about the race
to find a cure for sickle cell.
- And you think
that answered my question?
- What time does
the party start?
- It already started.
- I literally cannot with this.
Are those girls playing Jenga?
- Actually, it's the
Black version of Jenga.
It was $3 cheaper.
It's called Benga.
All you got to do is--
- You embarrassing
your ancestors.
- Well, how do you know
so much about partying?
Aren't you like 30?
- Did she just--
- She did.
- We 30-somethings
invented the game, OK?
- Facts.
Y'all generations
don't know nothing.
What y'all got, YouTube?
We had "106 & Park."
- OK, y'all got TikTok.
We had Myspace.
- What's Myspace?
- It's like the house phone
of social media.
- What's a house phone?
- Well, if y'all
30-somethings do it better,
show us how it's done.
- Please,
Ashley and I used to throw some
of the most legendary parties
back in the day.
- Mm-hmm, Mama being 14 when
I was born had its advantages.
- So y'all really want
our help?
- Yes.
- Please.
- All right, well, first,
secure the perimeter,
and get some music going,
something that's gonna get
people out on the dance floor.
All right?
No questions asked.
- Come out the gate
with songs everybody knows.
The big guns--
"Blow the Whistle,"
"Back that Ass Up,"
"My Neck, My Back."
- The "Macarena."
Now, the drinks--
is that a paper sign
that says water
with an arrow
pointing to the sink?
That is some truly
shameful shit.
- Embarrassing.
I'ma do a grocery run.
- Now I see why you two
aren't real family.
- Yeah.
all: Benga!
- Janelle, you going to hell.
- Damn, it felt so good
playing this big-ass crowd.
This is where I belong, sis.
Felt so good
I felt like I was high.
- Well, clearly,
you ain't never been high.
- I want to live
in this room forever.
You flopped on the bed yet?
- Mm-mm.
I ain't done that yet.
- Flop on the damn bed!
- Ooh.
If only this mattress
was a nigga named Rufus.
You know,
I appreciate you, Pat,
bringing me on your big tour,
seeing the world,
staying in this beautiful room.
[banging on door]
- Pat, Denise!
Get out the room!
[banging on door]
- Mr. Free, what do you mean,
get out the room?
You just put us in the room.
- I know I did,
but my cousins have arrived,
and I promised them a room.
- Well, get em another one.
- Ain't no 'nother one.
- Well, where are
we supposed to go?
- The hotel is sold out
because I'm playing here.
- Where the hell
we supposed to stay?
- Are the bitches
out the room yet, Tony?
'Cause baby is horny.
- I'm sorry about my cousins.
- Uh-huh, I hate
when my cousin gets horny.
- Ooh, Tony, baby.
They got the good pistachios
up in here.
- Girl, don't play.
You know you a Planters ho.
- Listen, you want to stay
on the tour, don't you?
I need you to be
out of here in 30.
Make that 20!
- Manager, you need to get off
your ass and start managing
because we out on our ass now.
- Well, not only that,
but them women
didn't sound like his cousins.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Are you drinking?
- Yup, and I'm not even 21.
Would a boring person
be drinking
a sugar-free hard lemonade?
I don't think so.
Turn down the club.
[upbeat music playing]
- Y'all--
- And this might sound boring.
But I think my Docs and Blocks
party was way better than this.
- Y'all!
all: What?
- Dad got off work early.
- Oh, shit.
- OK.
Calm down, Ashley.
Junebug, when does he get home?
- He's home.
♪ ♪
- Everybody!
The cops are here!
Shit.
- That only works
for Black people.
- Hey, everybody!
Billie Eilish next door!
♪ ♪
Junebug, check the bathroom
for stray drunks,
and do not hesitate
to dropkick
a bitch off the toilet.
- Dropkick drunk bitches.
Copy!
♪ ♪
- Hey, y'all.
What y'all still doing up?
- Nothing.
Just watching a movie.
- Hmm.
Why y'all out of breath?
- Because--because--
- We were just discussing
the scary movie we're watching.
- Oh, oh, oh, OK.
What y'all watch?
- "Hereditary."
- "Candyman."
- "Silence of the Lambs."
- Jordan Peele.
- Something's going on.
- What?
There's nothing going on, Pops.
You should hit the hay.
You look busted.
- Yeah,
there's nothing going on.
Remember, you put me in charge?
Boring old Janelle.
- Yeah, Dad.
Come on.
Go to bed.
- All right, all right.
Fine, fine,
but don't be screaming
about no Freddy Krueger
and wake me up.
Else, I'm gon' summon
that little Chucky doll,
and I'ma sic him
on all y'all butts.
- Hey, Daddy said
he gon' sic Chucky on us.
Daddy, you crazy!
- Oh, my God, I can't believe
we got away with that.
And y'all call me boring.
- Y'all kids in trouble now!
Where is your mama's new Rolex?
- What are you talking about?
It's in you guys' room.
- No, it isn't.
- Oh, I left it downstairs
because I went
to go show it to a friend.
I'll bring it up tomorrow.
- Yeah, well, you better.
Night.
- Night.
- Night.
- Love you.
- Brandon, please tell me
you have that Rolex.
- Mm-mm.
- Anybody?
- Mm-mm.
- Oh!
- Get the fuck off me!
- Oh, I know you ain't just
knocked me off this bed.
- They got bugs down here,
and it stink.
It smell like old meat
stuck in my teeth.
I'm calling my agent because
my manager ain't managing shit.
- In fairness,
I'd just like to say
I'm a recovering alcoholic.
- Uh-uh, honey,
you done had three months
to use that alcoholic excuse.
You just fucking up.
- Andie's not here.
Leave a message.
- Shit.
Look like we gon' have
to stick it out here.
Denise, there's
a roach in your hair!
- What?
I know you lying!
- Ahh!
- Pat, get it!
Where's it at?
- Get the fuck off me!
- Oh, shit!
[yelling]
- You're both
probably wondering
why we called you here today.
- Ooh!
Is it because both
our names are Tanner?
- No, Tanner.
- You sure?
- Yes, Tanner, OK?
Y'all just got some
unoriginal parents.
- Something very valuable
has gone missing
from our mother's bedroom.
- We have reviewed the TikToks
taken throughout the evening
of the robbery.
- And we've determined
that only two individuals
went into her room--
you, Black Tanner,
and you, white Tanner.
Is there anything either
of you would like
to say for yourselves?
- OK, fine.
I went in there,
but I did not take anything.
- Then why were you in there?
- I had a very good reason.
- Well, would you like
to share that reason with us?
- Not really.
It's personal.
- Why were you
in the damn bedroom?
- Becky Martin said
she'd go down on me.
- Well, did she
in fact go down on you?
- Brandon.
- Just answer the question.
- Yes!
She did, OK?
- OK, now, if it pleases
the court, may I ask,
how's her head game,
my white brother?
Did she give you
that sloppy toppy?
- Brandon!
Sit your ass down.
You in contempt.
And you 30,
stay out them kids' business.
Y'all hooked up
in our parents' bed?
Anybody that would do
something that foul
would have no problem walking
out of there with something.
- Perhaps, my sister.
But I'd still like
to ask the other Tanner.
The tanner Tanner.
If you will, why were you
in our parents' bedroom
on the night of the 18th?
- Oh, because
I stole the Rolex.
- Man, why it got
to be the Black Tanner?
- OK.
Where is the watch now?
- I pawned it.
- How much you get for it?
- $1,500.
- $1,500?
A Rolex is worth
so much more than that.
- Now, why would a guy who
owned a pawn shop lie to me?
- Hey, let me holler
at your manager for a minute.
- Oh, absolutely.
- Hey, listen.
I wasn't entirely truthful
when I was telling you
about the ladies
that took over your room.
- Oh, well, Tony, I'm shocked.
Them wasn't your cousins?
- No, they wasn't my cousins.
They were some hos,
ladies of the night,
some willing women,
some kneeing knockers,
some drool dribblers.
We were partying.
We was having a good time.
But as is often
the case with hos--
- The fun dried up?
- The fun dried up.
So I went and checked my bill
and find out they had charged
$200 on Toblerone alone.
- Not Toblerone alone?
- Toblerone alone!
Not to mention
the expensive shit,
room service,
massages, facials.
- Oh, OK.
Because if it's one thing
hos love, it's facials.
- I went and tried
to kick them out,
and the ho threatened
to call my wife.
- OK.
So these are some fuck around
and find out kind of hos.
- So, what I need you to do
is pretend to be my wife,
and I want you bust up in the
room and clear them hos out.
- Would me and Pat be able
to get our room back?
Because the place
we staying out now
is definitely where Martin
Luther King got shot at.
- Absolutely, deal?
- Not quite.
What you also going to do is
give us back our little 20%
off the merch table.
- Yeah, you is.
- This woman is unbelievable.
- Yeah, I know.
- All right.
You got yourself a deal.
You know, I could use
a new manager myself.
- Hold the fuck on, Tony Free.
Now, you might be
my hero and shit,
but I whoop your ass
just to say I whooped it.
Denise is my manager.
- OK, fair enough,
but you hang on to her.
That woman is good!
- So it's official?
- It's official.
- I'm your manager?
- You're my manager.
- And you gon' give me 20%?
- 10, Denise, 10.
- 11, Pat, 11?
- 10, Denise, 10!
- 12, Pat, 12.
- 11, Denise, 11.
- OK, you got a deal.
- Hold the fuck on!
- OK.
Now, lookie here, Pat.
It's my job to try.
- Dad, while you were gone,
we had a party.
- You what?
- But it's not
that big of a deal.
I mean, Brandon and Ashley
used to throw parties
behind you guys' back
all the time.
- They what?
- Snitches are bitches.
- Who end up in ditches.
both: With stitches.
- Mom's Rolex got stolen by one
of Junebug's friends, Tanner.
He took it to a pawnshop.
- Damn!
Black Tanner or white Tanner?
- Black.
- Damn!
- And we don't have
enough money to get it back.
They're asking for 5,000.
- $5,000?
- But we already have 2,000.
We just need help
with the rest.
Can you help put in on it?
- Come again?
- You saw Mom's face
when she opened it.
Tony free is her favorite.
Can you please
float us the cash?
- I cannot believe you kids.
First off, why are you
telling on yourself?
Second off, the key
to throwing an actual party
is not getting caught.
So all of you are disgraced.
- Ooh, ooh.
Not so fast, Padre.
OK?
Because you never
actually caught us.
- One point
for the Medicaid kids.
- Hey, hey.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Let's go and get
this watch, y'all, right?
And y'all gon' pay me back too
in monthly installments.
Brandon, that's on top
of the rent, boy.
- Oh, damn!
Now I'm gon' be 35
shaking that ass.
- Cheers.
- [laughs]
- All right, side pieces.
Get the fuck out.
- And who the hell are you?
- I'm Tony's wife, bitch.
Now, ain't you two due
back at the gutter?
- For real, for real?
You married to Tony?
- That's right.
- Damn!
Well, now I feel bad
because he done flewed us out,
and we been fucking-fucking.
- Many times too,
girl, separately,
together, all the ways.
She pulled, I tugged.
- I tugged, she pulled.
But at least
it's his old-ass fault.
- OK, bitch!
That's my husband
that you're talking about.
Now, get the fuck out,
and you can take the door,
or you can take this
motherfucking window, bitch.
Which one you want?
Now, how many pistachios
you gon' eat, bitch?
- Uh-uh!
Don't go in there!
Tony wife in there.
That bitch crazy, bitch.
Crazy!
- I can't believe
that shit worked.
We back where we belong.
- All we got to do
is burn the fucking sheets.
[knocking on door]
- Right on time, baby.
Housekeeping.
Housekeeping!
- I ain't no damn housekeeping.
I'm Tony Free's wife!
- OK, well, now, listen.
- No, now, you listen!
Now, for years I have pretended
that my husband wasn't
throwing his hot dog
down every other hallway,
but today,
this shit gon' stop.
- Ain't nobody throw
no hot dog down my hallway
but my husband.
- Yeah, and my hallway has been
hot dog free for a minute now
because, see, I'm newly single.
- Shut up!
I hired a private detective,
and she told me
that there are two women that
are staying next door to Tony.
- Well, we are,
but it ain't us.
- Stop lying, heifer.
I can still smell
his dick on your breath.
- Bitch, that's tuna!
- OK, now hold the fuck on.
You not gon' be--
- No, you hold on.
- Swinging at my sister's face.
- Oh, you want something of me?
- Oh, I do want something!
- No, no!
No, baby, baby, baby!
What is you doing?
I'm getting tired of you
and this not trusting me thing.
That's Pat.
She's my opening act.
That's her manager Denise.
And the only reason they are
out here on this tour with me
is because Pat is as funny
as you are gorgeous.
- Oh, I'm funnier
than that shit.
- But other than that,
ain't nothing happening.
- And he's right
because I have too much anxiety
to sleep with somebody
on life support.
- And I got too much class
to sleep with people
that work at Dollar General.
Baby, you're
overreacting again.
We talked about this, remember?
About how you wrong
all the time?
- You two would tell me,
woman to woman,
if something was going
on out here on this tour?
- I'ma say something that has
served me well all my life.
I ain't see shit.
- And Pat?
- This motherf--
- Baby!
Baby, did I mention--
did I mention
that Pat is also gon' be
doing all my radio spots now?
I've taken it upon myself,
I'ma make that woman famous.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Pat, did you see anything?
- If I saw this man cheating,
would I really be
out here opening for him
and doing his radio spots
for $500 extra a day?
- $500 a day radio?
- And then he said he was gonna
give me an additional $250.
- Bitch, what is you talking--
no, no, no.
That's--that's right.
both: ♪ Reunited,
and it feels so good ♪
- ♪ Ba-na-na-na-na, ba-ba-na ♪
- ♪ Reunited ♪
- ♪ Bum-bum-bum ♪
- If only Ma knew
what we just went through
to keep her happy.
[phone ringing]
- Oh, hold up.
Oh, it's the devil's deaconess.
It's your mama.
Hey, y'all, gather in.
Let's say hi, all right.
I'ma turn on the speaker.
Hey, baby!
- Hey, Ma.
Are you rich and famous yet?
Because I got
some debts to pay.
- Not yet, baby.
But y'all got
that Rolex anywhere near?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it is.
- As a matter of fact,
we was just admiring it
right when you called.
You want me to go
and get it polished, baby?
- Fuck no.
I want you to pawn it.
- Say what now?
- You heard me.
I want y'all to pawn it.
Tony Free is a piece of shit,
y'all,
and I'd rather have the cash.
- Well, at least now
I can get my money back.
all: Damn!
- ♪ Reunited ♪
all: ♪ And it feels so-- ♪
Damn!
- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
♪ And she don't take
no stuff ♪
♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
♪ And you can't get enough ♪
♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
♪ With eight damn kids ♪
♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
♪ And it's
"The Ms. Pat Show" ♪
was filmed in front
of a live studio audience.
- Y'all ever wonder why we
have to chase our dreams?
Why can't the motherfucker
just meet us halfway?
The great Nelson Mandela
spent 27 years
in jail following his dream,
and Kaepernick was on his knees
so long the nigga
got arthritis.
Sometimes chasing your dream
can trap your ass
in a nightmare.
Just watch.
- Hey, Pat,
somebody sent you something.
- Who's it from?
I'm pissing.
- Only one
of the biggest comedians
in the whole wide world.
[chuckles]
I thought you
was using the bathroom.
- I'm holding it.
- I still can't believe
you opening for Tony Free.
- Yeah.
- He is such a legend.
Open it.
I want to see what he got you.
And I hope it's so expensive,
it makes us ashamed
of our pathetic lives.
- Oh, my God.
A real Rolex.
- Oh, wow.
That is, without a doubt,
the most expensive thing
this family owns.
- Ah, but don't worry, Dad.
I'm sure Mom likes
the Home Depot gift card
you got her for her birthday
just as much.
- Wait till you get
your birthday gift--
oxygen.
- Mom, what does the card say?
- "Set your watch, Ms. Pat.
"It's time to become a star.
The Tony Free."
- Oh, Pat,
I remember when you first said
you wanted to do comedy.
You used to play his records
over and over again to learn.
- Girl, I was just
thinking about this today.
My hero.
It makes me so emotional.
- Oh, baby,
you look like you gonna cry.
- Thug bitches don't cry,
Terry.
We water.
Put this in the room.
It's too expensive
for me to take on tour.
Damn, Tony Free.
- Oh, it look like
he sent a bunch of stuff
for you kids too.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Now, don't you vultures
clean that.
Daddy gets his cut.
- Oh, see, now, this is cool.
When me and Ryan
went to go see him,
these were going
for like 50 bucks.
- 50 bucks?
Well, shit, Pat,
if Tony Free can get $50 a pop,
you should be able
to get, what, $20?
- I never really thought
about merchandise.
- OK, so if I can make you
some real money
with your merch,
will you promote me from your
"ass-istant" to your manager?
- You ain't even got
the job yet,
and you already asking
for a damn promotion.
- Yeah, she sound like
a real manager already.
- Yeah, because what
does a manager make?
Say, 20% of the cut?
- 10.
- You got yourself a deal.
- I didn't agree to nothing.
- You know what?
I'ma go call the girl who
did my "Mama died" T-shirts,
OK, because she'd be doing
silk screen and all that shit.
She like the Picasso
of puff paints.
About to make you rich, Pat-Pat
so that I, as your manager,
can get 20% of rich.
- You just said 10.
- OK, now, look here.
It's my job to try.
- Hey, we gonna miss you to
death while you're gone, baby.
- Oh.
- Well, hell,
where you going in a hurry?
- You broke it off
in my underwear.
- ♪ Come on,
it's time to go ♪
♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪
- Hey, kids, I'm working
the graveyard shift tonight.
And with your mama and Denise
out on tour,
Janelle, you're in charge.
- Wait, how come
Janelle is in charge?
I'm like a whole decade
older than her.
- Your ages are swapped
on the inside.
- Wow.
That's what you think of me?
- Of course not.
And plus, Janelle is reliable.
She's safe.
She's boring.
- Excuse me?
I'm not boring.
- Oh, baby girl.
Night, y'all.
Be good, or else Janelle's
gonna tell on you.
Love you.
- Love you, too.
- All right.
- I'm not boring.
[both laugh]
You know, I could have some
kind of "Euphoria" lifestyle
outside of here.
- "Euphoria," Janelle?
I mean, come on.
Your life is more like--
what's a TV show about nerds?
- Oh, I'm watching
one right now--
"Keenan and Coon."
- OK, look,
what do you even care
if we think you're boring?
- Because your thought
is false.
- OK, then prove it's false.
- OK, all right, fine.
We're alone, right?
There is not an adult in sight.
- Y'all gon' stop
disrespecting me.
I am grown!
- I think we should
throw a party.
- Oh, Janelle, you would never.
- Say I won't.
- You won't.
- Huh.
You just said it,
so it's happening.
- OK, yes!
Yes!
Brandon, come on.
Let's do it.
- It's up to Janelle.
She was placed in charge
after all,
so the decision is all hers.
- Janelle?
- Let's tear the club.
- Up.
Let's tear the club up.
- Oh, oh.
Let's tear the club up.
- Oh, my gosh.
- You don't mind me moving
a little Denise Grease
on the side do you, Pat?
- Sure, everybody need hair
product at a comedy show.
Look, I'm nervous.
I've never played
a place this big before.
- Oh, please, you gon' kill it
like you always do.
Oh, shit, there he is.
That's Tony.
- Oh, my God,
he's coming over here.
Motivate me!
Be my fucking manager.
- Oh, your ass
is juicy as hell.
- Oh, this is a squeeze-free
exit only ass.
- No, I was talking
to my sister.
I mean,
not that I wouldn't want
to squeeze or exit your ass.
- What the fuck wrong
with this lady?
- I'm sorry, Mr. Free.
She's stupid.
- No, I'm actually Denise,
Pat's sister slash ass-istant,
slash manager.
You get it, see,
I put the ass in assistant.
- You can hold up
with all them little ass jokes.
I hope she ain't part
of your writing team.
- Look.
I just want to thank you
for all the fancy things
that you sent me and my family,
and the room you got me
and Denise is amazing.
- That's the least I could do.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I gotta go call my wife.
If I don't talk to her
before every show,
I'm off my game.
Lord knows
I love that woman so!
- Yeah, because I actually
remember a photo of you two
on the cover of "Jet" with
the snakes and the baby oil.
That was classic.
- Indeed it was.
Well, nice meeting you both.
- Look at that.
Man is a comedy legend.
All this pussy on this tour,
he still like his wife.
- Oh, and one more thing--
any sales generated
by your little merch here,
I get 20% of that.
- 20%?
God only want 10.
- God ain't on this tour.
But God bless you though.
- Don't look at me like that.
He said all big tours get 20%.
- Well, that's
some false advertising.
How he want 20%,
and this nigga named Tony Free?
- All right.
- The most devastating...
- Uh, does this technically
qualify as a party?
Why is there no music?
- Because I thought people want
to hear the documentary.
- Why are you playing
a documentary at a party?
- It is about the race
to find a cure for sickle cell.
- And you think
that answered my question?
- What time does
the party start?
- It already started.
- I literally cannot with this.
Are those girls playing Jenga?
- Actually, it's the
Black version of Jenga.
It was $3 cheaper.
It's called Benga.
All you got to do is--
- You embarrassing
your ancestors.
- Well, how do you know
so much about partying?
Aren't you like 30?
- Did she just--
- She did.
- We 30-somethings
invented the game, OK?
- Facts.
Y'all generations
don't know nothing.
What y'all got, YouTube?
We had "106 & Park."
- OK, y'all got TikTok.
We had Myspace.
- What's Myspace?
- It's like the house phone
of social media.
- What's a house phone?
- Well, if y'all
30-somethings do it better,
show us how it's done.
- Please,
Ashley and I used to throw some
of the most legendary parties
back in the day.
- Mm-hmm, Mama being 14 when
I was born had its advantages.
- So y'all really want
our help?
- Yes.
- Please.
- All right, well, first,
secure the perimeter,
and get some music going,
something that's gonna get
people out on the dance floor.
All right?
No questions asked.
- Come out the gate
with songs everybody knows.
The big guns--
"Blow the Whistle,"
"Back that Ass Up,"
"My Neck, My Back."
- The "Macarena."
Now, the drinks--
is that a paper sign
that says water
with an arrow
pointing to the sink?
That is some truly
shameful shit.
- Embarrassing.
I'ma do a grocery run.
- Now I see why you two
aren't real family.
- Yeah.
all: Benga!
- Janelle, you going to hell.
- Damn, it felt so good
playing this big-ass crowd.
This is where I belong, sis.
Felt so good
I felt like I was high.
- Well, clearly,
you ain't never been high.
- I want to live
in this room forever.
You flopped on the bed yet?
- Mm-mm.
I ain't done that yet.
- Flop on the damn bed!
- Ooh.
If only this mattress
was a nigga named Rufus.
You know,
I appreciate you, Pat,
bringing me on your big tour,
seeing the world,
staying in this beautiful room.
[banging on door]
- Pat, Denise!
Get out the room!
[banging on door]
- Mr. Free, what do you mean,
get out the room?
You just put us in the room.
- I know I did,
but my cousins have arrived,
and I promised them a room.
- Well, get em another one.
- Ain't no 'nother one.
- Well, where are
we supposed to go?
- The hotel is sold out
because I'm playing here.
- Where the hell
we supposed to stay?
- Are the bitches
out the room yet, Tony?
'Cause baby is horny.
- I'm sorry about my cousins.
- Uh-huh, I hate
when my cousin gets horny.
- Ooh, Tony, baby.
They got the good pistachios
up in here.
- Girl, don't play.
You know you a Planters ho.
- Listen, you want to stay
on the tour, don't you?
I need you to be
out of here in 30.
Make that 20!
- Manager, you need to get off
your ass and start managing
because we out on our ass now.
- Well, not only that,
but them women
didn't sound like his cousins.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Are you drinking?
- Yup, and I'm not even 21.
Would a boring person
be drinking
a sugar-free hard lemonade?
I don't think so.
Turn down the club.
[upbeat music playing]
- Y'all--
- And this might sound boring.
But I think my Docs and Blocks
party was way better than this.
- Y'all!
all: What?
- Dad got off work early.
- Oh, shit.
- OK.
Calm down, Ashley.
Junebug, when does he get home?
- He's home.
♪ ♪
- Everybody!
The cops are here!
Shit.
- That only works
for Black people.
- Hey, everybody!
Billie Eilish next door!
♪ ♪
Junebug, check the bathroom
for stray drunks,
and do not hesitate
to dropkick
a bitch off the toilet.
- Dropkick drunk bitches.
Copy!
♪ ♪
- Hey, y'all.
What y'all still doing up?
- Nothing.
Just watching a movie.
- Hmm.
Why y'all out of breath?
- Because--because--
- We were just discussing
the scary movie we're watching.
- Oh, oh, oh, OK.
What y'all watch?
- "Hereditary."
- "Candyman."
- "Silence of the Lambs."
- Jordan Peele.
- Something's going on.
- What?
There's nothing going on, Pops.
You should hit the hay.
You look busted.
- Yeah,
there's nothing going on.
Remember, you put me in charge?
Boring old Janelle.
- Yeah, Dad.
Come on.
Go to bed.
- All right, all right.
Fine, fine,
but don't be screaming
about no Freddy Krueger
and wake me up.
Else, I'm gon' summon
that little Chucky doll,
and I'ma sic him
on all y'all butts.
- Hey, Daddy said
he gon' sic Chucky on us.
Daddy, you crazy!
- Oh, my God, I can't believe
we got away with that.
And y'all call me boring.
- Y'all kids in trouble now!
Where is your mama's new Rolex?
- What are you talking about?
It's in you guys' room.
- No, it isn't.
- Oh, I left it downstairs
because I went
to go show it to a friend.
I'll bring it up tomorrow.
- Yeah, well, you better.
Night.
- Night.
- Night.
- Love you.
- Brandon, please tell me
you have that Rolex.
- Mm-mm.
- Anybody?
- Mm-mm.
- Oh!
- Get the fuck off me!
- Oh, I know you ain't just
knocked me off this bed.
- They got bugs down here,
and it stink.
It smell like old meat
stuck in my teeth.
I'm calling my agent because
my manager ain't managing shit.
- In fairness,
I'd just like to say
I'm a recovering alcoholic.
- Uh-uh, honey,
you done had three months
to use that alcoholic excuse.
You just fucking up.
- Andie's not here.
Leave a message.
- Shit.
Look like we gon' have
to stick it out here.
Denise, there's
a roach in your hair!
- What?
I know you lying!
- Ahh!
- Pat, get it!
Where's it at?
- Get the fuck off me!
- Oh, shit!
[yelling]
- You're both
probably wondering
why we called you here today.
- Ooh!
Is it because both
our names are Tanner?
- No, Tanner.
- You sure?
- Yes, Tanner, OK?
Y'all just got some
unoriginal parents.
- Something very valuable
has gone missing
from our mother's bedroom.
- We have reviewed the TikToks
taken throughout the evening
of the robbery.
- And we've determined
that only two individuals
went into her room--
you, Black Tanner,
and you, white Tanner.
Is there anything either
of you would like
to say for yourselves?
- OK, fine.
I went in there,
but I did not take anything.
- Then why were you in there?
- I had a very good reason.
- Well, would you like
to share that reason with us?
- Not really.
It's personal.
- Why were you
in the damn bedroom?
- Becky Martin said
she'd go down on me.
- Well, did she
in fact go down on you?
- Brandon.
- Just answer the question.
- Yes!
She did, OK?
- OK, now, if it pleases
the court, may I ask,
how's her head game,
my white brother?
Did she give you
that sloppy toppy?
- Brandon!
Sit your ass down.
You in contempt.
And you 30,
stay out them kids' business.
Y'all hooked up
in our parents' bed?
Anybody that would do
something that foul
would have no problem walking
out of there with something.
- Perhaps, my sister.
But I'd still like
to ask the other Tanner.
The tanner Tanner.
If you will, why were you
in our parents' bedroom
on the night of the 18th?
- Oh, because
I stole the Rolex.
- Man, why it got
to be the Black Tanner?
- OK.
Where is the watch now?
- I pawned it.
- How much you get for it?
- $1,500.
- $1,500?
A Rolex is worth
so much more than that.
- Now, why would a guy who
owned a pawn shop lie to me?
- Hey, let me holler
at your manager for a minute.
- Oh, absolutely.
- Hey, listen.
I wasn't entirely truthful
when I was telling you
about the ladies
that took over your room.
- Oh, well, Tony, I'm shocked.
Them wasn't your cousins?
- No, they wasn't my cousins.
They were some hos,
ladies of the night,
some willing women,
some kneeing knockers,
some drool dribblers.
We were partying.
We was having a good time.
But as is often
the case with hos--
- The fun dried up?
- The fun dried up.
So I went and checked my bill
and find out they had charged
$200 on Toblerone alone.
- Not Toblerone alone?
- Toblerone alone!
Not to mention
the expensive shit,
room service,
massages, facials.
- Oh, OK.
Because if it's one thing
hos love, it's facials.
- I went and tried
to kick them out,
and the ho threatened
to call my wife.
- OK.
So these are some fuck around
and find out kind of hos.
- So, what I need you to do
is pretend to be my wife,
and I want you bust up in the
room and clear them hos out.
- Would me and Pat be able
to get our room back?
Because the place
we staying out now
is definitely where Martin
Luther King got shot at.
- Absolutely, deal?
- Not quite.
What you also going to do is
give us back our little 20%
off the merch table.
- Yeah, you is.
- This woman is unbelievable.
- Yeah, I know.
- All right.
You got yourself a deal.
You know, I could use
a new manager myself.
- Hold the fuck on, Tony Free.
Now, you might be
my hero and shit,
but I whoop your ass
just to say I whooped it.
Denise is my manager.
- OK, fair enough,
but you hang on to her.
That woman is good!
- So it's official?
- It's official.
- I'm your manager?
- You're my manager.
- And you gon' give me 20%?
- 10, Denise, 10.
- 11, Pat, 11?
- 10, Denise, 10!
- 12, Pat, 12.
- 11, Denise, 11.
- OK, you got a deal.
- Hold the fuck on!
- OK.
Now, lookie here, Pat.
It's my job to try.
- Dad, while you were gone,
we had a party.
- You what?
- But it's not
that big of a deal.
I mean, Brandon and Ashley
used to throw parties
behind you guys' back
all the time.
- They what?
- Snitches are bitches.
- Who end up in ditches.
both: With stitches.
- Mom's Rolex got stolen by one
of Junebug's friends, Tanner.
He took it to a pawnshop.
- Damn!
Black Tanner or white Tanner?
- Black.
- Damn!
- And we don't have
enough money to get it back.
They're asking for 5,000.
- $5,000?
- But we already have 2,000.
We just need help
with the rest.
Can you help put in on it?
- Come again?
- You saw Mom's face
when she opened it.
Tony free is her favorite.
Can you please
float us the cash?
- I cannot believe you kids.
First off, why are you
telling on yourself?
Second off, the key
to throwing an actual party
is not getting caught.
So all of you are disgraced.
- Ooh, ooh.
Not so fast, Padre.
OK?
Because you never
actually caught us.
- One point
for the Medicaid kids.
- Hey, hey.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Let's go and get
this watch, y'all, right?
And y'all gon' pay me back too
in monthly installments.
Brandon, that's on top
of the rent, boy.
- Oh, damn!
Now I'm gon' be 35
shaking that ass.
- Cheers.
- [laughs]
- All right, side pieces.
Get the fuck out.
- And who the hell are you?
- I'm Tony's wife, bitch.
Now, ain't you two due
back at the gutter?
- For real, for real?
You married to Tony?
- That's right.
- Damn!
Well, now I feel bad
because he done flewed us out,
and we been fucking-fucking.
- Many times too,
girl, separately,
together, all the ways.
She pulled, I tugged.
- I tugged, she pulled.
But at least
it's his old-ass fault.
- OK, bitch!
That's my husband
that you're talking about.
Now, get the fuck out,
and you can take the door,
or you can take this
motherfucking window, bitch.
Which one you want?
Now, how many pistachios
you gon' eat, bitch?
- Uh-uh!
Don't go in there!
Tony wife in there.
That bitch crazy, bitch.
Crazy!
- I can't believe
that shit worked.
We back where we belong.
- All we got to do
is burn the fucking sheets.
[knocking on door]
- Right on time, baby.
Housekeeping.
Housekeeping!
- I ain't no damn housekeeping.
I'm Tony Free's wife!
- OK, well, now, listen.
- No, now, you listen!
Now, for years I have pretended
that my husband wasn't
throwing his hot dog
down every other hallway,
but today,
this shit gon' stop.
- Ain't nobody throw
no hot dog down my hallway
but my husband.
- Yeah, and my hallway has been
hot dog free for a minute now
because, see, I'm newly single.
- Shut up!
I hired a private detective,
and she told me
that there are two women that
are staying next door to Tony.
- Well, we are,
but it ain't us.
- Stop lying, heifer.
I can still smell
his dick on your breath.
- Bitch, that's tuna!
- OK, now hold the fuck on.
You not gon' be--
- No, you hold on.
- Swinging at my sister's face.
- Oh, you want something of me?
- Oh, I do want something!
- No, no!
No, baby, baby, baby!
What is you doing?
I'm getting tired of you
and this not trusting me thing.
That's Pat.
She's my opening act.
That's her manager Denise.
And the only reason they are
out here on this tour with me
is because Pat is as funny
as you are gorgeous.
- Oh, I'm funnier
than that shit.
- But other than that,
ain't nothing happening.
- And he's right
because I have too much anxiety
to sleep with somebody
on life support.
- And I got too much class
to sleep with people
that work at Dollar General.
Baby, you're
overreacting again.
We talked about this, remember?
About how you wrong
all the time?
- You two would tell me,
woman to woman,
if something was going
on out here on this tour?
- I'ma say something that has
served me well all my life.
I ain't see shit.
- And Pat?
- This motherf--
- Baby!
Baby, did I mention--
did I mention
that Pat is also gon' be
doing all my radio spots now?
I've taken it upon myself,
I'ma make that woman famous.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Pat, did you see anything?
- If I saw this man cheating,
would I really be
out here opening for him
and doing his radio spots
for $500 extra a day?
- $500 a day radio?
- And then he said he was gonna
give me an additional $250.
- Bitch, what is you talking--
no, no, no.
That's--that's right.
both: ♪ Reunited,
and it feels so good ♪
- ♪ Ba-na-na-na-na, ba-ba-na ♪
- ♪ Reunited ♪
- ♪ Bum-bum-bum ♪
- If only Ma knew
what we just went through
to keep her happy.
[phone ringing]
- Oh, hold up.
Oh, it's the devil's deaconess.
It's your mama.
Hey, y'all, gather in.
Let's say hi, all right.
I'ma turn on the speaker.
Hey, baby!
- Hey, Ma.
Are you rich and famous yet?
Because I got
some debts to pay.
- Not yet, baby.
But y'all got
that Rolex anywhere near?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it is.
- As a matter of fact,
we was just admiring it
right when you called.
You want me to go
and get it polished, baby?
- Fuck no.
I want you to pawn it.
- Say what now?
- You heard me.
I want y'all to pawn it.
Tony Free is a piece of shit,
y'all,
and I'd rather have the cash.
- Well, at least now
I can get my money back.
all: Damn!
- ♪ Reunited ♪
all: ♪ And it feels so-- ♪
Damn!
- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
♪ And she don't take
no stuff ♪
♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
♪ And you can't get enough ♪
♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
♪ With eight damn kids ♪
♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
♪ And it's
"The Ms. Pat Show" ♪