The Chris Rock Show (1997–2000): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript
Hey, what's up? I'm Chris Rock.
Each year,
over 40,000 Americans
die from gun-related violence.
This despite the introduction
of well-meaning
gun-exchange programs
Like toys for guns
and money for guns.
Now, we here
at The Chris Rock Show
would like to reduce the number
of handgun deaths,
but at the same time,
we're not naïve enough
to think that we can
end violence altogether.
That's why tonight on
The Chris Rock Show,
we are introducing
the Chris Rock
-knives for guns exchange.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Here's how it works.
If you hand in any handgun,
-you will get one of these...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
A genuine
Navy Seal combat knife,
designed
specifically, for killing.
And if you act within 24 hours,
you will get one of these...
A handy plastic box cutter.
Perfect for high-school
metal detectors
and rap concerts.
I mean,
why cause a huge disturbance
when you just want to kill
-one guy?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, turn in those cold,
cowardly guns
for something
a little more personal.
And remember, kids,
any punk can fire
from across the room,
but it takes a man
to get close enough to stab.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
MALE ANNOUNCER:
From New York City,
it's The Chris Rock Show!
Tonight, special guest
supermodel, Tyson Beckford
and musical guest, Maxwell.
Plus musical director,
Grandmaster Flash.
(AUDIENCE CONTINUES
CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-Yo.
-MAN: What's up?
What's up? Welcome.
Welcome to the show.
The Chris Rock Show, all right.
A lot happened this week.
A lot happened this week.
We had a crazy gunman
on the Empire State Building.
Killed two people.
Real sad.
You know, what's real sad?
I know at least one guy died
trying to jump off
before he got shot.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You know,
what's happened this week?
All right. The Marines
are now saying that Riddick Bowe
was discharged from boot camp
for having a bad attitude.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Now, when they asked
Riddick Bowe to comment,
-he said, "Fuck the Marines."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
Oh, what's up?
Still no arrest
in the JonBenét Ramsey case.
Not one arrest.
You know why? 'Cause they rich.
-'Cause they rich.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You know why they
didn't arrest nobody?
'Cause there ain't no Black
butlers up there, that's why.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
You know, and speaking of...
The Clinton-- Clinton--
President Clinton.
Renting out his house,
letting people
sleep at his house.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Ten grand a night,
everybody mad.
-Hey, it's his house!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
If I could get some money
from people staying at my house,
-I damn sure, would.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Yo, you see, I could never stay
at the White House. Never.
'Cause, you know,
if something's missing,
-they're gonna blame a brother.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS)
Uh. What else happened?
With the Grammys...
The Grammys were this week.
Grammys.
You know, I hate the Grammys.
'Cause the Grammys
are always, like, behind.
They was nominating records
that's four years old and stuff.
Like, this year,
best R&B record,
-"Kung Fu Fighting."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(LAUGHS) Hey, it's a joke!
Now, everybody's talking about
this cloning shit.
Everybody's worrying about
what will happen as a result
of cloning sheep.
What's gonna happen?
I'll tell you
what's gonna happen.
Twice as many sheep.
That's what's gonna happen.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
Now, I had a wild day, man.
You know, all day just trying
to get ready for the show.
So, lunchtime, you know,
I didn't know whether
I should have
a club sandwich
or a cheeseburger.
You feel like that
sometimes, Flash?
Yeah, I didn't know
what to have.
You know,
it was a real tough decision.
A lot of factors
went into this decision,
but I finally decided
to go with the cheeseburger.
Now, joining us from
Times Square with a reaction
to this decision is our own
correspondent, Marvin Blazer.
Marvin?
Chris, opinions about
the cheeseburger decision
ran the gamut here
in Times Square this afternoon.
But the New Yorkers I talked to,
did have this in common.
They all had an opinion.
It's great, man. I love burgers.
I think he made
the right decision.
I would say,
you know, it's equal rights
for cheeseburgers.
The person
that they're forgetting here
is the club sandwich.
I don't eat red meat,
so, I think he should just
pick up a fish burger
or something.
You know, for the good
of the community,
it's time that we put this
cheeseburger behind us
and start thinking about
what Chris
is going to have for dinner.
Reporting from Times Square,
I'm Marvin Blazer.
Now, Marvin,
thanks a lot, Marvin.
Now, of course,
there were other ramifications
for this decision
being felt throughout the city.
Now, joining us from Harlem
is our own Ali LeRoi.
-Ali?
-Well, Chris, in reaction
to the cheeseburger decision,
I've seen a lot of smiles
out here in Harlem today.
The general feeling
amongst the residents is,
"Hey, we did this."
I think this sends
a powerful message
about the Black community
as a whole,
that Chris Rock
likes cheeseburgers
more than he likes
club sandwiches.
-What's a club sandwich?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
If a man wants
to have a cheeseburger,
shouldn't he
be able to have one?
Sure, he had a cheeseburger,
but what was on it?
Were there fries, huh?
No, I say let's wait
till all the facts come in
before we start
all this celebrating.
(ALL CHANT)
Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Well, as you can see,
all is calm here now.
The people have stopped
chanting "cheeseburger."
They've gone
back into their homes.
Looks like
it's gonna be a nice night.
Reporting live from Harlem,
I'm Ali LeRoi.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
Thank you, Ali. Now,
we got a great show tonight.
We got supermodel,
Tyson Beckford.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-We got Maxwell tonight.
And we got my main man,
Grandmaster Flash!
-(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
-(SCRATCHES VINYL)
Now, as you know, HBO,
this network
that we're on right now,
has created some of television's
best reality-based programs
like Taxicab Confessions,
Real Sex.
Now, HBO has a new show called
True Stories
of The Justice Squad,
and I like this show so much,
I wanted
to promote it right here.
So, here's a segment
from True Stories
of The Justice Squad.
Check this out. This is dope.
NARRATOR: True Stories
Of The Justice Squad.
Rico Bell,
one of the FBI's
ten most wanted criminals.
Thousands like him
walk the streets
not knowing that the FBI
has them marked for a fall.
Just watch as these
undercover federal agents
engage the unwitting Bell
in a brilliant game
of cat and mouse.
Acting as drug dealers,
they offer to sell Bell cocaine
with a street value
of five million,
all for 30,000 dollars.
A deal that a crooked,
amoral man like Bell
finds impossible to resist.
The trick is with these guys,
to make them feel comfortable.
We gain their trust,
make them think
they're getting filthy rich,
then, we move in.
MALE NARRATOR:
Special agents, Walker and Burns
-make Bell feel at home.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Little does he know,
he's just taking the bait
for the big bust.
A couple of hours later,
Bell leaves, coke in hand,
never suspecting
that his gracious hosts
are federal agents.
At this point,
we had enough to bust him,
but we really wanted
to put him away for good.
MALE NARRATOR:
Over the next five years,
-Rico's drug trade flourished...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...and he received
free vacations and gifts,
including this million-dollar
yacht, a private jet,
and a beautiful seaside home.
All courtesy of the DEA,
who worked hard
to gain his confidence,
setting him up for the big bust.
Bell was treated
to many coke parties
where he hobnobbed
with prizefighters...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-...and celebrities.
He was invited
to sing the national anthem
at the world series,
and received the congressional
medal of honor,
and all the time, he was putting
the noose around his own neck.
The FBI used their influence
to get Bell's daughter
into Harvard University.
Rico Bell could now be sure
that his family would prosper
for generations to come,
but little did he know
that his whole world
would soon come crashing down.
The operation
was almost jeopardized
when Rico Bell was arrested
for multiple murders.
The prosecution
had 40 eyewitnesses.
It looked like it was
the end of the DEA's case.
After all those years
of careful hard work,
collecting evidence on this guy,
and to see it all fall apart?
Couldn't let it happen.
MALE NARRATOR:
The DEA worked tirelessly
to obtain Bell's acquittal.
In order to do so,
they had to pin the murder rap
on eighth grade teacher,
Jeff Stilson,
who eventually
committed suicide,
leaving his family destitute.
Little did he know
that he was helping
to bring a scumbag to justice.
Finally, on his 93rd birthday,
Rico Bell tasted
the bitter pill of justice.
-(ALL YELL)
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
MALE NARRATOR:
Charged with 90,000 counts
of drug trafficking and driving
with a suspended license,
Rico Bell would spend
the last 13 seconds of his life
-in a federal penitentiary.
-AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
Just another filthy criminal
brought to justice by...
-The Justice Squad.
-(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
All right. My first guest
can be seen in magazines,
newspapers, and billboards
all across America,
and he is known as the exclusive
model for Ralph Lauren.
Please, welcome supermodel,
Tyson Beckford.
(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
-Tyson.
-Yes.
-There you go.
-Oh, thanks a lot.
-What you got me now?
-I got you a couple t-shirts...
-All right, t-shirts.
-...from my production company.
No muscle shirts
'cause I ain't a...
No, you can
cut the sleeves off...
-Oh, okay.
-...you know what I mean.
What's happening, though, man?
Nothing, man.
Let me ask you this.
Do people ever confuse
you with Mike Tyson?
All the time, man.
-All the time.
-Really? Is that like,
-white people confuse you?
-Yeah, a little bit.
'Cause some white people
go up to me,
I loved Do The Right Thing.
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And you're like,
"What you talking about, man?"
But, I was in Vegas
at the Tyson fight,
And I was in a designer store.
I'm not going to mention names,
'cause I'm gonna get in trouble
'cause I had no business being
in the store in the first place.
-CHRIS ROCK: Okay.
-Anyway, I'm in the store and--
CHRIS: It wasn't Ralph Lauren.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-You know this, man.
You know what
Black people like to wear.
-Okay.
-WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Versace.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-Anyway, I was in the store.
You was in there, too.
You know what I'm saying.
So, I was in there,
and they said,
"Tyson, Tyson, Tyson!"
So, think it was fight week,
so, everybody thought it was
Mike Tyson in the store,
so, they closed the store up.
I'm stuck in the store
with these people I don't know,
and I was like,
"I want to get out of the store.
Man, let me out the store."
And it was, like, I came out,
they said,
"Oh, it ain't Mike Tyson.
-It's just Tyson."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, all right.
-You don't want to be like that.
-That's not that bad.
So, I get... No, it's not bad.
-It could be bad.
-It could be bad, though.
It could be some woman go,
"You raped my daughter!"
-"Not me!"
-You know what I mean.
-"Not me!"
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-Get me in trouble. (LAUGHS)
Now, I see you
all the time, man.
-I see you all the time.
-TYSON: I seen you last night.
I saw you last night.
And I always see, like,
these girls hovering around.
You wasn't
sober last night, though.
I-- I always see
these girls hovering around.
-Uh-huh.
-I see you talking to a girl,
-then I see the rest like...
(MIMICS CAWING)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Just hoping something'll happen.
-TYSON: Mm-hmm.
-Now, what's the wildest thing
a woman ever did
to get your attention?
Hmm. I was in a club
here in New York,
and young lady,
she lifted her skirt up,
showed me that
she ain't had on no underwear.
-(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
-You know what I mean?
And her boyfriend was with her,
and he was like,
-CHRIS: Ah!
-"Look good, don't it?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm like...
'Cause I was with my boys,
and we, you know,
brothers be in the spot, we...
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
So, she just came
in the whole circle
and was like...
Did it look... Did it look good?
-It looked good, man.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-Or was it--
-Boyfriend was like...
Boyfriend was like...
But she was drunk, though.
you know what I mean?
-It looked good.
-I was... Me and the boys
was like, "Hell, no.
We ain't messing with your ass.
Go on up out of here."
Boyfriend was like,
"I don't mind."
-I said, "What these two into?"
-Yeah, boys never mind.
The boys don't mind.
Boys wanted to touch.
I had to, "Stop that,
don't touch that.
You know,
I'll go to jail for that."
You know what I mean?
So, that was
one of the wildest things, man.
-That's pretty wild.
-It get wild, though, man.
-It get wild.
-Nothing like that
ever happens to me.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-Nothing like that?
TYSON: You need to roll with me.
I guess I need to--
I'm about to get down the street
to the Spanish part
down here at the Copacabana,
-so, me and you can go.
-Okay.
-You know? All right.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Now, do you ever have your...
Do your boys just hang...
Do you have
certain boys you know,
that just hang around you
just to get leftovers?
Yeah, right.
I got my stockbroker.
He gonna be mad
when he see this,
but he do that.
I'm gonna meet up with him
later on tonight.
Your stockbroker
hangs out to get leftover girls.
Mm-hmm.
And you trust this man
with your money.
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
Now, you better...
I never looked at it like that,
but you're right.
You're right. You're right.
"Hey, she got a nice ass.
Oh, we'll get
to the figures later."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-(LAUGHS)
Oh, you know,
he gonna lose my money
come Monday morning, boy.
Yeah, you better watch out.
"I lost all your money,
but I met a real nice girl."
Was it easy for you, I mean,
was it easy for you to get girls
before you became Tyson
the model, before you.
You know,
before the whole thing?
Sort of... Kind of,
'cause I've always
looked the same way,
-and, you know what I'm saying?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I did...
You know what I'm saying?
But now, it's the money.
They all like,
"Show me the money."
So, you know.
Nowadays,
it's a whole different thing,
but it was easy for me
back then.
You know, I just used to be
a broke brother.
-CHRIS: Just show up.
-Yeah, broke brother show up.
You used to get women broke.
See, I had to make a lot
of money to get a woman, man.
-I never got nothin'.
-Women say,
"Oh, he look good now.
He look good now."
Like we didn't look good before,
when we had no money.
Oh, man.
Yeah, 'cause money
takes away all your faults.
-That's true. That's true.
-Money'll turn a bald spot
into a part.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
TYSON: Oh, boy.
You're right about that.
So, let me ask you this.
What advice
would you have for me
if I, you know,
if I wanted to...
You're a little slim, man.
I would have
to take you in the gym
and bulk you up a little bit.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-So, some Nutrimin?
-Nutrimin...
Nutrimin's, like, eating
ice cream early in the morning.
-Something, bro.
-All right.
-We got to fatten you up.
-Biscuits.
Biscuits, Roscoe's,
-something, man.
-Okay. Now, as you know,
we held a lottery earlier today,
and one of these lucky ladies
in this audience
is going to win a date with you.
-You gonna pay for it?
-That's right,
-I'm gonna pay for it.
-Right on, I'm with that.
Courtesy of The Chris Rock Show.
-All right.
-Now, it's time
to announce the winner.
Yo, I don't want to go
to McDonald's, though.
(DRUM ROLL)
CHRIS: And the winner is...
-Rita Miller.
-Oh, my God! (SCREAMS)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
Johnny, tell her what she's won.
Tell her what she's won.
JOHNNY:
You have won an exciting date
with Tyson, the model!
You and Tyson
will start your romantic evening
by watching an exclusive
live performance
by Maxwell right here
on The Chris Rock Show
in about ten minutes.
After you are serenaded,
you and Tyson will be
swept away to this hotel room,
where he will perform
oral sex on you.
That's right, you'll have
Tyson's perfect sculpted face
between your legs in this
beautiful Times Square hotel!
Where you'll have
sexual intercourse
in many positions,
including "doggy style", "69",
"the wheelbarrow",
and "drowning the stupid zebra."
That's right,
the amazing Tyson will do you
all night long
till your you-know-what is sore.
Then he'll sneak out
while you're sleeping,
and he'll never call you.
Then you can tell all
your friends what a dick he is.
All of the above prizes,
courtesy of
The Chris Rock Show
and HBO Downtown Productions.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-Whoo!
All right.
Well, congratulations!
-Thank you, bro!
-I want to congratulate you
-and congratulate Rita.
-All right.
I don't know how to do
that "wheelbarrow", though.
-It'll be quite all right.
-All right.
-Right on. All right.
-All right.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
NARRATOR:
Tired of being stuck at home
because you don't have
anybody to keep the kids?
Try new, Video Mama.
It's the video kids watch,
while it watches them.
Just pop it in and go.
(CHILD SCREAMING)
-Sit down!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
FEMALE NARRATOR:
Video Mama keeps the kids
for up to six hours
while you take care
of your business.
And, boy, get your ass
down from there!
Don't make me
come in there and get you.
Oh, do I look like I'm playing?
Hey boy, don't you turn me off.
And don't you
turn me down, neither.
FEMALE NARRATOR:
Video Mama has versions
for two to six kids,
and there's Video Mother.
Children, children! Time-out!
-Time-out.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
FEMALE NARRATOR:
And now, Video Mama
comes in Spanish.
That's right! Video Madre.
-(YELLING IN SPANISH)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
FEMALE NARRATOR:
Try Video Mama, Video Mother,
and new, Video Madre.
Video Father unavailable.
(LAUGHS, CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
I am very privileged today
to have as my guest,
the Reverend Benjamin Thomas.
Thanks for joining us, reverend.
Now, could you tell us
about your organization,
the National Black Consensus?
Chris, I'm here
because the time has come for us
to make our objectives clear
as to what our path should be.
And to make
the choices ourselves.
And not accept paths
chosen by others.
Okay, so,
what are your objectives?
Well, Chris, we need to find
common ground amongst ourselves
and define what we mean
when we say, "It's not us
or them, but more we
and our principles."
-Right, right.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
But, what exactly
are you trying to accomplish?
Well, Chris, I'm gonna answer
your question with a question.
Who is responsible
for our destiny, our direction,
if not those
who take responsibility
for their own actions?
Reverend, I have to admit
I'm a little confused.
Of course,
you're confused, Chris.
We're all confused.
That's why we're here.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
That's why we're here?
I mean,
with all due respect, reverend,
what the fuck do you want?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING,
CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
Chris, Chris.
I want what you want.
Well, I want you to tell me
what you're talking about!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Chris, see, you're hearing me,
but you're not listening.
No, you're talking,
but you ain't saying shit.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING,
APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
Listen, reverend, listen!
I'm gonna give you
one last chance
to tell me what
your organization is about.
Okay, Chris. Let me break
this down for you, if I may.
Chris, this is us.
And this is where we're going.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
Well, thanks
for wasting our time.
Thank you for having me, Chris.
Thank you.
That was
Benjamin Thomas, everyone.
-The reverend.
-(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
Tonight we have a Brooklyn born
singer-songwriter
who brings his own
unique brand of R&B.
Here to sing
"Sumthin' Sumthin'",
Please, welcome Maxwell.
(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
♪ So if it's cool ♪
♪ I want to ♪
♪ Love you until
You're black and blue ♪
♪ Till the blues come through ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Do a little
Sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ A little sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ Even though you pay
Me no attention ♪
♪ All I want to show
Is my affection ♪
♪ Lose myself
Inside your ebony ♪
♪ But you ain't even
Feeling me, baby ♪
♪ And all I want to know ♪
♪ Is if it's
If it's cool, yeah ♪
♪ Do a little
Sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ A little sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ Come on, sugar baby ♪
♪ So we can do a little
Sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ Honeydew sugar
Chocolate dumping ♪
♪ Sister with a certain, oh ♪
♪ Flavor with a cocoa
Kind of flow ♪
♪ Baby, baby
Act like you know ♪
♪ So, if it's cool
Cool ♪
♪ I want to rock
With you, baby ♪
-♪ Slip you ♪
-♪ Whoa, oh ♪
♪ Slip you my mellow ♪
♪ Only, only if it's cool ♪
-♪ If it's cool ♪
-♪ Everybody ♪
♪ We can do a little
Sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ Do a little sumthin'
Sumthin' ♪
-♪ Let me groove with you ♪
-♪ Let me groove ♪
♪ So, we can kick a little
Sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ (BASS SOLO PLAYING) ♪
♪ Two times won't do it
So, if it's cool ♪
♪ I want to rock with you ♪
♪ Slip you my mellow smooth ♪
♪ Rock you until we blue
Only, only if it's cool ♪
♪ If it's cool ♪
♪ Sumthin' ♪
♪ Do a little
Sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ So we can kick
A little sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ Sumthin' ♪
♪ Whoo ♪
♪ Shut your mouth ♪
♪ (LEAD SOLO PLAYING) ♪
♪ Whoo
Aah, you ♪
♪ Sumthin' sumthin'
Show me sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ Sumthin' ♪
♪ Can I get your
Can I get your number, baby? ♪
♪ What you doin' after
This party, baby? ♪
♪ Can I get your phone number? ♪
♪ Sumthin' sumthin'
Ooh ♪
♪ Sumthin' sumthin' ♪
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Well, that's the show!
I'd like to thank my guests,
Tyson Beckford, Maxwell.
Yo, Flash, play us out, baby!
♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Each year,
over 40,000 Americans
die from gun-related violence.
This despite the introduction
of well-meaning
gun-exchange programs
Like toys for guns
and money for guns.
Now, we here
at The Chris Rock Show
would like to reduce the number
of handgun deaths,
but at the same time,
we're not naïve enough
to think that we can
end violence altogether.
That's why tonight on
The Chris Rock Show,
we are introducing
the Chris Rock
-knives for guns exchange.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Here's how it works.
If you hand in any handgun,
-you will get one of these...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
A genuine
Navy Seal combat knife,
designed
specifically, for killing.
And if you act within 24 hours,
you will get one of these...
A handy plastic box cutter.
Perfect for high-school
metal detectors
and rap concerts.
I mean,
why cause a huge disturbance
when you just want to kill
-one guy?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, turn in those cold,
cowardly guns
for something
a little more personal.
And remember, kids,
any punk can fire
from across the room,
but it takes a man
to get close enough to stab.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
MALE ANNOUNCER:
From New York City,
it's The Chris Rock Show!
Tonight, special guest
supermodel, Tyson Beckford
and musical guest, Maxwell.
Plus musical director,
Grandmaster Flash.
(AUDIENCE CONTINUES
CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-Yo.
-MAN: What's up?
What's up? Welcome.
Welcome to the show.
The Chris Rock Show, all right.
A lot happened this week.
A lot happened this week.
We had a crazy gunman
on the Empire State Building.
Killed two people.
Real sad.
You know, what's real sad?
I know at least one guy died
trying to jump off
before he got shot.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You know,
what's happened this week?
All right. The Marines
are now saying that Riddick Bowe
was discharged from boot camp
for having a bad attitude.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Now, when they asked
Riddick Bowe to comment,
-he said, "Fuck the Marines."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
Oh, what's up?
Still no arrest
in the JonBenét Ramsey case.
Not one arrest.
You know why? 'Cause they rich.
-'Cause they rich.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You know why they
didn't arrest nobody?
'Cause there ain't no Black
butlers up there, that's why.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
You know, and speaking of...
The Clinton-- Clinton--
President Clinton.
Renting out his house,
letting people
sleep at his house.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Ten grand a night,
everybody mad.
-Hey, it's his house!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
If I could get some money
from people staying at my house,
-I damn sure, would.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Yo, you see, I could never stay
at the White House. Never.
'Cause, you know,
if something's missing,
-they're gonna blame a brother.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS)
Uh. What else happened?
With the Grammys...
The Grammys were this week.
Grammys.
You know, I hate the Grammys.
'Cause the Grammys
are always, like, behind.
They was nominating records
that's four years old and stuff.
Like, this year,
best R&B record,
-"Kung Fu Fighting."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(LAUGHS) Hey, it's a joke!
Now, everybody's talking about
this cloning shit.
Everybody's worrying about
what will happen as a result
of cloning sheep.
What's gonna happen?
I'll tell you
what's gonna happen.
Twice as many sheep.
That's what's gonna happen.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
Now, I had a wild day, man.
You know, all day just trying
to get ready for the show.
So, lunchtime, you know,
I didn't know whether
I should have
a club sandwich
or a cheeseburger.
You feel like that
sometimes, Flash?
Yeah, I didn't know
what to have.
You know,
it was a real tough decision.
A lot of factors
went into this decision,
but I finally decided
to go with the cheeseburger.
Now, joining us from
Times Square with a reaction
to this decision is our own
correspondent, Marvin Blazer.
Marvin?
Chris, opinions about
the cheeseburger decision
ran the gamut here
in Times Square this afternoon.
But the New Yorkers I talked to,
did have this in common.
They all had an opinion.
It's great, man. I love burgers.
I think he made
the right decision.
I would say,
you know, it's equal rights
for cheeseburgers.
The person
that they're forgetting here
is the club sandwich.
I don't eat red meat,
so, I think he should just
pick up a fish burger
or something.
You know, for the good
of the community,
it's time that we put this
cheeseburger behind us
and start thinking about
what Chris
is going to have for dinner.
Reporting from Times Square,
I'm Marvin Blazer.
Now, Marvin,
thanks a lot, Marvin.
Now, of course,
there were other ramifications
for this decision
being felt throughout the city.
Now, joining us from Harlem
is our own Ali LeRoi.
-Ali?
-Well, Chris, in reaction
to the cheeseburger decision,
I've seen a lot of smiles
out here in Harlem today.
The general feeling
amongst the residents is,
"Hey, we did this."
I think this sends
a powerful message
about the Black community
as a whole,
that Chris Rock
likes cheeseburgers
more than he likes
club sandwiches.
-What's a club sandwich?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
If a man wants
to have a cheeseburger,
shouldn't he
be able to have one?
Sure, he had a cheeseburger,
but what was on it?
Were there fries, huh?
No, I say let's wait
till all the facts come in
before we start
all this celebrating.
(ALL CHANT)
Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Well, as you can see,
all is calm here now.
The people have stopped
chanting "cheeseburger."
They've gone
back into their homes.
Looks like
it's gonna be a nice night.
Reporting live from Harlem,
I'm Ali LeRoi.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
Thank you, Ali. Now,
we got a great show tonight.
We got supermodel,
Tyson Beckford.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-We got Maxwell tonight.
And we got my main man,
Grandmaster Flash!
-(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
-(SCRATCHES VINYL)
Now, as you know, HBO,
this network
that we're on right now,
has created some of television's
best reality-based programs
like Taxicab Confessions,
Real Sex.
Now, HBO has a new show called
True Stories
of The Justice Squad,
and I like this show so much,
I wanted
to promote it right here.
So, here's a segment
from True Stories
of The Justice Squad.
Check this out. This is dope.
NARRATOR: True Stories
Of The Justice Squad.
Rico Bell,
one of the FBI's
ten most wanted criminals.
Thousands like him
walk the streets
not knowing that the FBI
has them marked for a fall.
Just watch as these
undercover federal agents
engage the unwitting Bell
in a brilliant game
of cat and mouse.
Acting as drug dealers,
they offer to sell Bell cocaine
with a street value
of five million,
all for 30,000 dollars.
A deal that a crooked,
amoral man like Bell
finds impossible to resist.
The trick is with these guys,
to make them feel comfortable.
We gain their trust,
make them think
they're getting filthy rich,
then, we move in.
MALE NARRATOR:
Special agents, Walker and Burns
-make Bell feel at home.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Little does he know,
he's just taking the bait
for the big bust.
A couple of hours later,
Bell leaves, coke in hand,
never suspecting
that his gracious hosts
are federal agents.
At this point,
we had enough to bust him,
but we really wanted
to put him away for good.
MALE NARRATOR:
Over the next five years,
-Rico's drug trade flourished...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...and he received
free vacations and gifts,
including this million-dollar
yacht, a private jet,
and a beautiful seaside home.
All courtesy of the DEA,
who worked hard
to gain his confidence,
setting him up for the big bust.
Bell was treated
to many coke parties
where he hobnobbed
with prizefighters...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-...and celebrities.
He was invited
to sing the national anthem
at the world series,
and received the congressional
medal of honor,
and all the time, he was putting
the noose around his own neck.
The FBI used their influence
to get Bell's daughter
into Harvard University.
Rico Bell could now be sure
that his family would prosper
for generations to come,
but little did he know
that his whole world
would soon come crashing down.
The operation
was almost jeopardized
when Rico Bell was arrested
for multiple murders.
The prosecution
had 40 eyewitnesses.
It looked like it was
the end of the DEA's case.
After all those years
of careful hard work,
collecting evidence on this guy,
and to see it all fall apart?
Couldn't let it happen.
MALE NARRATOR:
The DEA worked tirelessly
to obtain Bell's acquittal.
In order to do so,
they had to pin the murder rap
on eighth grade teacher,
Jeff Stilson,
who eventually
committed suicide,
leaving his family destitute.
Little did he know
that he was helping
to bring a scumbag to justice.
Finally, on his 93rd birthday,
Rico Bell tasted
the bitter pill of justice.
-(ALL YELL)
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
MALE NARRATOR:
Charged with 90,000 counts
of drug trafficking and driving
with a suspended license,
Rico Bell would spend
the last 13 seconds of his life
-in a federal penitentiary.
-AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
Just another filthy criminal
brought to justice by...
-The Justice Squad.
-(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
All right. My first guest
can be seen in magazines,
newspapers, and billboards
all across America,
and he is known as the exclusive
model for Ralph Lauren.
Please, welcome supermodel,
Tyson Beckford.
(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
-Tyson.
-Yes.
-There you go.
-Oh, thanks a lot.
-What you got me now?
-I got you a couple t-shirts...
-All right, t-shirts.
-...from my production company.
No muscle shirts
'cause I ain't a...
No, you can
cut the sleeves off...
-Oh, okay.
-...you know what I mean.
What's happening, though, man?
Nothing, man.
Let me ask you this.
Do people ever confuse
you with Mike Tyson?
All the time, man.
-All the time.
-Really? Is that like,
-white people confuse you?
-Yeah, a little bit.
'Cause some white people
go up to me,
I loved Do The Right Thing.
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And you're like,
"What you talking about, man?"
But, I was in Vegas
at the Tyson fight,
And I was in a designer store.
I'm not going to mention names,
'cause I'm gonna get in trouble
'cause I had no business being
in the store in the first place.
-CHRIS ROCK: Okay.
-Anyway, I'm in the store and--
CHRIS: It wasn't Ralph Lauren.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-You know this, man.
You know what
Black people like to wear.
-Okay.
-WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Versace.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-Anyway, I was in the store.
You was in there, too.
You know what I'm saying.
So, I was in there,
and they said,
"Tyson, Tyson, Tyson!"
So, think it was fight week,
so, everybody thought it was
Mike Tyson in the store,
so, they closed the store up.
I'm stuck in the store
with these people I don't know,
and I was like,
"I want to get out of the store.
Man, let me out the store."
And it was, like, I came out,
they said,
"Oh, it ain't Mike Tyson.
-It's just Tyson."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, all right.
-You don't want to be like that.
-That's not that bad.
So, I get... No, it's not bad.
-It could be bad.
-It could be bad, though.
It could be some woman go,
"You raped my daughter!"
-"Not me!"
-You know what I mean.
-"Not me!"
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-Get me in trouble. (LAUGHS)
Now, I see you
all the time, man.
-I see you all the time.
-TYSON: I seen you last night.
I saw you last night.
And I always see, like,
these girls hovering around.
You wasn't
sober last night, though.
I-- I always see
these girls hovering around.
-Uh-huh.
-I see you talking to a girl,
-then I see the rest like...
(MIMICS CAWING)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Just hoping something'll happen.
-TYSON: Mm-hmm.
-Now, what's the wildest thing
a woman ever did
to get your attention?
Hmm. I was in a club
here in New York,
and young lady,
she lifted her skirt up,
showed me that
she ain't had on no underwear.
-(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
-You know what I mean?
And her boyfriend was with her,
and he was like,
-CHRIS: Ah!
-"Look good, don't it?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm like...
'Cause I was with my boys,
and we, you know,
brothers be in the spot, we...
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
So, she just came
in the whole circle
and was like...
Did it look... Did it look good?
-It looked good, man.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-Or was it--
-Boyfriend was like...
Boyfriend was like...
But she was drunk, though.
you know what I mean?
-It looked good.
-I was... Me and the boys
was like, "Hell, no.
We ain't messing with your ass.
Go on up out of here."
Boyfriend was like,
"I don't mind."
-I said, "What these two into?"
-Yeah, boys never mind.
The boys don't mind.
Boys wanted to touch.
I had to, "Stop that,
don't touch that.
You know,
I'll go to jail for that."
You know what I mean?
So, that was
one of the wildest things, man.
-That's pretty wild.
-It get wild, though, man.
-It get wild.
-Nothing like that
ever happens to me.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-Nothing like that?
TYSON: You need to roll with me.
I guess I need to--
I'm about to get down the street
to the Spanish part
down here at the Copacabana,
-so, me and you can go.
-Okay.
-You know? All right.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Now, do you ever have your...
Do your boys just hang...
Do you have
certain boys you know,
that just hang around you
just to get leftovers?
Yeah, right.
I got my stockbroker.
He gonna be mad
when he see this,
but he do that.
I'm gonna meet up with him
later on tonight.
Your stockbroker
hangs out to get leftover girls.
Mm-hmm.
And you trust this man
with your money.
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
Now, you better...
I never looked at it like that,
but you're right.
You're right. You're right.
"Hey, she got a nice ass.
Oh, we'll get
to the figures later."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-(LAUGHS)
Oh, you know,
he gonna lose my money
come Monday morning, boy.
Yeah, you better watch out.
"I lost all your money,
but I met a real nice girl."
Was it easy for you, I mean,
was it easy for you to get girls
before you became Tyson
the model, before you.
You know,
before the whole thing?
Sort of... Kind of,
'cause I've always
looked the same way,
-and, you know what I'm saying?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I did...
You know what I'm saying?
But now, it's the money.
They all like,
"Show me the money."
So, you know.
Nowadays,
it's a whole different thing,
but it was easy for me
back then.
You know, I just used to be
a broke brother.
-CHRIS: Just show up.
-Yeah, broke brother show up.
You used to get women broke.
See, I had to make a lot
of money to get a woman, man.
-I never got nothin'.
-Women say,
"Oh, he look good now.
He look good now."
Like we didn't look good before,
when we had no money.
Oh, man.
Yeah, 'cause money
takes away all your faults.
-That's true. That's true.
-Money'll turn a bald spot
into a part.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
TYSON: Oh, boy.
You're right about that.
So, let me ask you this.
What advice
would you have for me
if I, you know,
if I wanted to...
You're a little slim, man.
I would have
to take you in the gym
and bulk you up a little bit.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-So, some Nutrimin?
-Nutrimin...
Nutrimin's, like, eating
ice cream early in the morning.
-Something, bro.
-All right.
-We got to fatten you up.
-Biscuits.
Biscuits, Roscoe's,
-something, man.
-Okay. Now, as you know,
we held a lottery earlier today,
and one of these lucky ladies
in this audience
is going to win a date with you.
-You gonna pay for it?
-That's right,
-I'm gonna pay for it.
-Right on, I'm with that.
Courtesy of The Chris Rock Show.
-All right.
-Now, it's time
to announce the winner.
Yo, I don't want to go
to McDonald's, though.
(DRUM ROLL)
CHRIS: And the winner is...
-Rita Miller.
-Oh, my God! (SCREAMS)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
Johnny, tell her what she's won.
Tell her what she's won.
JOHNNY:
You have won an exciting date
with Tyson, the model!
You and Tyson
will start your romantic evening
by watching an exclusive
live performance
by Maxwell right here
on The Chris Rock Show
in about ten minutes.
After you are serenaded,
you and Tyson will be
swept away to this hotel room,
where he will perform
oral sex on you.
That's right, you'll have
Tyson's perfect sculpted face
between your legs in this
beautiful Times Square hotel!
Where you'll have
sexual intercourse
in many positions,
including "doggy style", "69",
"the wheelbarrow",
and "drowning the stupid zebra."
That's right,
the amazing Tyson will do you
all night long
till your you-know-what is sore.
Then he'll sneak out
while you're sleeping,
and he'll never call you.
Then you can tell all
your friends what a dick he is.
All of the above prizes,
courtesy of
The Chris Rock Show
and HBO Downtown Productions.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-Whoo!
All right.
Well, congratulations!
-Thank you, bro!
-I want to congratulate you
-and congratulate Rita.
-All right.
I don't know how to do
that "wheelbarrow", though.
-It'll be quite all right.
-All right.
-Right on. All right.
-All right.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
NARRATOR:
Tired of being stuck at home
because you don't have
anybody to keep the kids?
Try new, Video Mama.
It's the video kids watch,
while it watches them.
Just pop it in and go.
(CHILD SCREAMING)
-Sit down!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
FEMALE NARRATOR:
Video Mama keeps the kids
for up to six hours
while you take care
of your business.
And, boy, get your ass
down from there!
Don't make me
come in there and get you.
Oh, do I look like I'm playing?
Hey boy, don't you turn me off.
And don't you
turn me down, neither.
FEMALE NARRATOR:
Video Mama has versions
for two to six kids,
and there's Video Mother.
Children, children! Time-out!
-Time-out.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
FEMALE NARRATOR:
And now, Video Mama
comes in Spanish.
That's right! Video Madre.
-(YELLING IN SPANISH)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
FEMALE NARRATOR:
Try Video Mama, Video Mother,
and new, Video Madre.
Video Father unavailable.
(LAUGHS, CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
I am very privileged today
to have as my guest,
the Reverend Benjamin Thomas.
Thanks for joining us, reverend.
Now, could you tell us
about your organization,
the National Black Consensus?
Chris, I'm here
because the time has come for us
to make our objectives clear
as to what our path should be.
And to make
the choices ourselves.
And not accept paths
chosen by others.
Okay, so,
what are your objectives?
Well, Chris, we need to find
common ground amongst ourselves
and define what we mean
when we say, "It's not us
or them, but more we
and our principles."
-Right, right.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
But, what exactly
are you trying to accomplish?
Well, Chris, I'm gonna answer
your question with a question.
Who is responsible
for our destiny, our direction,
if not those
who take responsibility
for their own actions?
Reverend, I have to admit
I'm a little confused.
Of course,
you're confused, Chris.
We're all confused.
That's why we're here.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
That's why we're here?
I mean,
with all due respect, reverend,
what the fuck do you want?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING,
CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
Chris, Chris.
I want what you want.
Well, I want you to tell me
what you're talking about!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Chris, see, you're hearing me,
but you're not listening.
No, you're talking,
but you ain't saying shit.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING,
APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
Listen, reverend, listen!
I'm gonna give you
one last chance
to tell me what
your organization is about.
Okay, Chris. Let me break
this down for you, if I may.
Chris, this is us.
And this is where we're going.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
Well, thanks
for wasting our time.
Thank you for having me, Chris.
Thank you.
That was
Benjamin Thomas, everyone.
-The reverend.
-(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
Tonight we have a Brooklyn born
singer-songwriter
who brings his own
unique brand of R&B.
Here to sing
"Sumthin' Sumthin'",
Please, welcome Maxwell.
(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
♪ So if it's cool ♪
♪ I want to ♪
♪ Love you until
You're black and blue ♪
♪ Till the blues come through ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Do a little
Sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ A little sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ Even though you pay
Me no attention ♪
♪ All I want to show
Is my affection ♪
♪ Lose myself
Inside your ebony ♪
♪ But you ain't even
Feeling me, baby ♪
♪ And all I want to know ♪
♪ Is if it's
If it's cool, yeah ♪
♪ Do a little
Sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ A little sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ Come on, sugar baby ♪
♪ So we can do a little
Sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ Honeydew sugar
Chocolate dumping ♪
♪ Sister with a certain, oh ♪
♪ Flavor with a cocoa
Kind of flow ♪
♪ Baby, baby
Act like you know ♪
♪ So, if it's cool
Cool ♪
♪ I want to rock
With you, baby ♪
-♪ Slip you ♪
-♪ Whoa, oh ♪
♪ Slip you my mellow ♪
♪ Only, only if it's cool ♪
-♪ If it's cool ♪
-♪ Everybody ♪
♪ We can do a little
Sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ Do a little sumthin'
Sumthin' ♪
-♪ Let me groove with you ♪
-♪ Let me groove ♪
♪ So, we can kick a little
Sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ (BASS SOLO PLAYING) ♪
♪ Two times won't do it
So, if it's cool ♪
♪ I want to rock with you ♪
♪ Slip you my mellow smooth ♪
♪ Rock you until we blue
Only, only if it's cool ♪
♪ If it's cool ♪
♪ Sumthin' ♪
♪ Do a little
Sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ So we can kick
A little sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ Sumthin' ♪
♪ Whoo ♪
♪ Shut your mouth ♪
♪ (LEAD SOLO PLAYING) ♪
♪ Whoo
Aah, you ♪
♪ Sumthin' sumthin'
Show me sumthin' sumthin' ♪
♪ Sumthin' ♪
♪ Can I get your
Can I get your number, baby? ♪
♪ What you doin' after
This party, baby? ♪
♪ Can I get your phone number? ♪
♪ Sumthin' sumthin'
Ooh ♪
♪ Sumthin' sumthin' ♪
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Well, that's the show!
I'd like to thank my guests,
Tyson Beckford, Maxwell.
Yo, Flash, play us out, baby!
♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪