The Chris Rock Show (1997–2000): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
♪ ("YANKEE DOODLE" PLAYING) ♪
Hello, I'm Greg Gumbel.
In 1779, George Washington
was preparing
for the Battle of Brandywine.
And as his army awaited
the approach of dawn,
in order to stave off
cold and fatigue,
General Washington
had a cup of coffee.
When asked if he wanted
cream in his coffee,
Washington simply replied,
"No thanks,
I'll just have it black."
For Black History Month Minute,
I'm Greg Gumbel.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS)
♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
ANNOUNCER: From New York City,
it's The Chris Rock Show!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
ANNOUNCER:
Tonight, actor John Amos.
Musical guest, Cake.
Plus musical director,
Grandmaster Flash.
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
ANNOUNCER: Ladies
and gentlemen, Chris Rock!
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
All right!
Calm down.
All right, all right.
What happened this week?
Mark Fuhrman is busy doing
publicity for his new book,
okay,
about the O.J. Simpson case.
Now, originally,
the book was 400 pages,
but he took out the word
"nigger," now it's only four.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Tyra Banks is on the cover
of Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit Edition.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes!
A Black woman on the cover
of Sports Illustrated.
What's next?
Jenny McCarthy on the cover
of Black Tail?
Now, why would I pay six dollars
to see Tyra Banks almost naked
in Sports Illustrated,
when I can see her
in the Victoria's Secret catalog
for free?
(LAUGHTER)
Uh, this week, Michael Jackson--
Michael Jackson
paid tribute to Liz Taylor
at her 65th birthday bash.
He said, "I hope to be
everything that she is someday."
A old white lady.
(LAUGHING)
Uh, Mia Farrow's
got a new book out.
You know, a new book out, where
she's talking about Woody Allen,
her relationship with Woody.
And in the book she said,
"Early on,
all I wanted for Woody to do
was love my children,
just love my children."
See, that's all. Just can't make
y'all woman happy at all.
Soon as he fell in love
with one, now she mad.
(LAUGHTER)
This week, uh,
the New Jersey Nets...
the New Jersey Nets
and the Dallas Mavericks
made a nine-player deal
this week, nine-player deal.
Now, these are two of the worst
teams in all of basketball.
So I don't know how the trade
can help either team, really.
I mean, that's like trading
the cast from Malcolm & Eddie
for the cast
of Homeboys in Outer Space.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Also, this week,
it was announced that, uh,
Ellen will come out
of the closet during sweeps
and reveal
that she is a lesbian.
Now, you know, if Ellen really
wanted to shock America,
you know what she'd do?
She would reveal
that she's straight.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS)
Ooh.
Uh, a form--
This week, a former congressman,
Mel Reynolds--
remember him,
arrested with the girl--
went on a hunger strike
to protest prison overcrowding.
He told reporters, "I'm being
treated like an animal
instead of what I am,
a man who fucks
underage campaign workers."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS)
Also, this week,
Louis Farrakhan shocked everyone
by reaching out
to the Jewish community.
Hey, take a look at this clip.
VOICEOVER:
So I implore you, my brothers,
seek the wisdom
of Seinfeld and Kramer,
for they speak the truth.
But do not be led astray
by The Nanny.
That yenta is nothing
but trouble.
That voice, oy vey!
But if you want to gain
entrance to heaven,
you must run, not walk,
to see Jackie Mason
in The World According to Me.
You'll laugh till you plotz,
or my name ain't Lou Farrakhan.
Now let us share
in a lean corned beef sandwich,
one of those really big ones.
(CHEERING)
So, I want everybody
to say what's up
to my man, Grandmaster Flash.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
This is a great show tonight.
We've got a brand-new band
called Cake.
-And-- And--
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
And my very special guest,
Mr. John Amos.
(CHEERING)
Whoo!
It has been insane here all day.
Look at what just happened.
Just look at this.
CROWD: (CHANTING)
We want John! We want John!
We want John! We want John!
We want John! We want John!
(SCREAMING)
(CHEERING STOPS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
Now, economists say
that every year,
four hundred billion dollars
is spent in the Black community.
But it doesn't seem like
it's staying in the community.
So I wanted to find out
where it's going.
So, using the latest technology,
I tracked down
a five-dollar bill
through Harlem.
Let's see what happens.
Now, what we have here
is a genuine five-dollar bill.
Now, using special technology,
we will follow this bill
wherever it goes.
And so,
the bill was in the community
and on its way.
So it went through
the fake leopard hat guy,
to the fake Tommy Hilfiger guy,
to, guess who,
the fake Rolex guy,
to the bootleg tape guy.
Hey, Speed 2's
not even out yet.
And back to the fake hat guy.
And then, the fake hat guy
ran into a little trouble.
The cop started to go here,
but realized way too many
comedians have done that joke.
So he bought one of these.
Bean pies, get some bean pies.
CHRIS ROCK: A bean pie!
This guy apparently got his coat
from the fake fur guy.
After eating his bean pie,
he went straight to church.
Damn, how many
collection plates y'all got?
Now you know the preacher's
got to get his cut.
I'm sure he's taking that money
to feed some hungry children.
And right now,
he's feeding her ass.
The stripper,
on her way to college,
bumps into a crackhead
and buys a stereo, a TV, a VCR,
brand-new computer
with mouse and mouse pad,
all for five dollars.
Oh, I love crack.
The crackhead went straight
to the crack dealer,
past him, straight into
an investment banker,
where he proceeded to buy
five dollars' worth of stock.
The banker said,
"You must be a damn fool,"
but took his
five dollars anyway.
Upset that there was an actual
crackhead in his office,
the man shut down
his operation
and proceeded
to flee the community.
There he goes
with the five dollars.
Man, we could have done a lot
with that five.
A lottery ticket--
Oh, yes, yes, get the money!
-Here, here.
-Say what?
-That's all you got?
-Yeah.
What's that?
What's that green dot? Huh?
CHRIS: Yes, yes, we got it back!
Yeah, we got the five back!
Yeah! We got it!
It's back in the community.
Show me the money!
Show me the money,
show me the money.
Yeah, we got the money!
(APPLAUDING)
I guess we're never gonna know
what happened
to that five dollars.
-Right, Flash?
-Right.
America fell in love
with my first guest
when he starred as James Evans
on the hit series Good Times.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
He's gone on to star
in films like Die Hard 2,
Let's Do It Again,
Coming to America,
and this week
he'll be presenting
a Screen Actors Guild Award
tomorrow.
Please welcome John Amos.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Wow.
Wow.
It's been like this all day.
I just wanna say,
welcome to the show.
Now, I understand you're
originally from the East Coast,
-right?
-Still am.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
All right.
I know you just flew in from LA.
just to do this show,
so I really appreciate it.
Now, how was your flight?
Actually Chris,
it was kind of bumpy,
-you know--
-AUDIENCE MEMBER: All right!
When we finally landed,
I'd never been so glad
to see New York in my life.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
So, you and your family
still live in New Jersey?
Yeah, born and raised
in New Jersey.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Well, you just got married,
didn't ya'?
Yeah, about three months ago.
As I mentioned
in your intro,
most people saw you first
in Good Times.
Now, I love Good Times so much,
I brought my own clip.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Which episode did you bring?
I brought an episode
where you had a hard time
finding a job.
That could be any episode.
Let's take a look at this.
What's the problem, Thelma?
Well, Daddy, J.J. and I
are gonna be
graduating from high school
this year,
but we don't know
what to head for.
I don't know whether to study
to become a teacher, or a nurse,
or maybe a professional dancer.
What do you think, Daddy?
I can tell you
right from the jump,
that dancing sounds like
a long shot to me.
You gonna need something solid
to fall back on.
Now, nursing
or teaching sounds good,
but, Thelma, you got the brains
to go on and be a doctor.
-Oh, thank you, Daddy.
-Mm-hmm.
I was confused, but I knew
you'd straighten me out.
-No problem, baby girl.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Oh, man, it still holds up.
I mean, that was brilliant.
Well, thanks, Chris.
Well, you know,
that was 20 years ago.
These days, I consider myself
a more serious actor.
-Of course--
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Consider yourself?
You are a more serious actor.
I mean, Roots, Die Hard 2,
Coming to America.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
And also, on February 28th
through March 1st,
you're gonna be doing
a one-man show
called Halley's Comet
in Las Vegas
at the cultural center,
I understand.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Now, I always thought
you were a bit--
I always thought you were
underused as an actor.
I mean, it's obvious that women
are very attracted to you.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
One of my favorite--
It just seemed like
you should have been
in more romantic roles.
One of my favorite movies
was When Harry Met Sally.
And I always thought
you would've been perfect...
-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah!
-...for the Harry part.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-You would've been perfect.
-Well, I don't know.
Do you want him?
Do you want him?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
AUDIENCE: (CHANTING) John, John,
John, John, John, John, John!
(CHEERING)
-Come on.
-Read it?
-Yes.
-You want me to read this?
Amos, please, could you
read this for us?
I'd be glad
to read it for you.
♪ (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I love how you get cold
when it's 71 degrees out.
I love that it takes you
an hour and a half
to order a sandwich.
I love that you get
a little crinkle right there
when you're looking
at me like I'm nuts.
I love that after I spend
the day with you,
I can still smell
your perfume on my clothes.
And I love that you're the last
person I want to talk to
before I go to sleep at night.
And it's not because I'm lonely,
and it's not because
it's New Year's Eve.
I came here tonight
because when you realize
you want to spend the rest
of your life with somebody...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(WOMEN SCREAMING)
We're gonna have to
get this right now.
But in the meantime,
I want everybody
to take a look at this,
please, please.
Hello, I'm Eartha Kitt.
In 1974, the American
Broadcasting Company
began production of a movie that
defined terror for a generation.
And because it had
three short parts,
it came to be known
as Trilogy of Terror,
each part telling the story
of a different woman
terrorized by things
that go bump in the night.
Amazingly, all three
of these women
were played by one actress.
Her name was Karen Black.
For Black History Month Minute,
I'm Eartha Kitt.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
The Oscars were recently
announced,
and this year
there were two Black nominees.
Now, last year
there was only one,
so that's 100 percent increase.
Now--
Now, here to discuss
their feelings
about this year's nominations
live from the Chris Rock Studios
in Hollywood,
are my film correspondents,
who also write
for BET, Jet magazine,
and Blacktress,
Donny Savoy and Richie Banks.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Chris, how are you?
So, guys, let's talk about
this year's Oscar nominations.
This year, for Best Picture
you had The English Patient,
Shine, Secrets and Lies,
Fargo, Jerry Maguire.
What did you like?
Yeah, Chris,
those were all good movies,
but how dare they pick
Jerry Maguire over Kazaam?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Excuse me, did you just say
Kazaam over Jerry Maguire?
Yeah, yeah, Chris.
Chris, I picked it
because it was positive, okay?
It was great seeing
a positive Black genie,
-not selling drugs.
-Yeah.
-Positive?
-RICHIE BANKS: Yes.
First of all,
Kazaam was a movie
about the biggest brother
on the planet
being a slave
to a little white boy.
And second of all,
the brother came out of a radio.
What kind of racist shit
is that?
Why didn't they just make him
come out of a bottle of Colt 45?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
What about Fargo,
did you like that?
Again, Fargo is
not a bad little film.
But the Coen brothers
cannot touch the Wayan brothers
for genius, hardly.
Or for brothers.
There's way more
Wayans than Coens.
Hell, there's more
Isley Brothers
than Coen brothers.
I mean, though,
that's besides the point.
I mean, there's just so many
good Black movies out this year.
We had Fled,The Rich Man's Wife,
Drop Squad,
-and again, Kazaam.
-Kazaam.
Come on guys,
you can't like everything
just 'cause
Black people are in it.
Black people are in jail,
you like that?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND LAUGHING)
Well, you see Chris,
you should understand
that it's important
to support Black films.
I mean, white people
don't talk about Pauly Shore.
-That's right.
-Yes, they do, all the time.
Shit, Pauly Shore gonna rent
a movie and get a bad review.
Now, what's your pick
for Best Picture?
All right, Chris, the best movie
of the year was Solo
with Mario Van Peebles.
Yes, absolutely.
You picked Solo
over Jerry Maguire?
It was a very positive movie.
It was good seeing a positive
Black robot not selling drugs,
being a role model
in the community.
Come on guys, Solo
over Jerry Maguire?
You picked it
'cause it was positive?
Solo was so bad, they didn't
even make bootlegs of it.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Which is a positive thing.
-Which is a positive thing.
All right, who'd you choose
for Best Actress?
All right, all right.
Queen Latifah for Set It Off.
-Come on. Yeah.
-Yeah.
-For the Oscar?
-Yeah.
I mean, what was positive
about Queen Latifah?
She was a bank robber.
She was a positive bank robber,
trying to get fishnets
for her lesbian lover.
You've gotta like that,
you gotta like that.
-Yes.
-Yes.
And if not her, our sleeper pick
is Arnelle Simpson
from the R. Kelly video
"You Remind Me of My Jeep."
But wait a minute,
wait a minute.
That's not even a movie,
that's a video.
You can't nominate a video
just 'cause it's shot on film.
Okay, who did
you pick for Best Actor?
All right,
that fine comic actor
from A Thin Line
Between Love and Hate,
-Bobby Brown. Yes.
-Bobby Brown.
Okay. I want to see you guys
at the Oscar boycott.
Hey folks,
I want you to watch this.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Hello, I'm Stanley Crouch.
In 1901,
Henry Ford made important use
of the assembly line.
His goal was to produce cars
so efficiently
that they would be affordable to
the Ford employees themselves.
In keeping with the methods
of mass production,
every car had to be painted
the very same color.
When asked
what color he liked,
Ford is reported
to have thought for a moment,
and then said,
"Make them all black."
For Black History Month Minute,
I'm Stanley Crouch.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Here to do
a song called "The Distance"
off their album Fashion Nugget,
please welcome Cake.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
♪ Reluctantly crouched
At the starting line ♪
♪ Engines pumping
And thumping in time ♪
♪ The green light flashes
The flags go up ♪
♪ Churning and burning
They yearn for the cup ♪
♪ ("THE DISTANCE"
BY CAKE PLAYING) ♪
♪ They deftly maneuver
And muscle for rank ♪
♪ Fuel burning fast
On an empty tank ♪
♪ Reckless and wild
They pour through the turns ♪
♪ Their prowess is potent
And secretly stern ♪
♪ As they speed
Through the finish ♪
♪ The flags go down ♪
♪ The fans get up
And they get out of town ♪
♪ The arena is empty
Except for one man ♪
♪ Still driving and striving
As fast as he can ♪
♪ The sun has gone down
And the moon has come up ♪
♪ And long ago
Somebody left with the cup ♪
♪ But he's driving and striving
And hugging the turns ♪
♪ And thinking of someone
For whom he still burns ♪
♪ He's going the distance ♪
♪ He's going for speed ♪
♪ She's all alone ♪
♪ All alone
In her time of need ♪
♪ Because he's racing and pacing
And plotting the course ♪
♪ He's fighting and biting
And riding on his horse ♪
♪ He's going the distance ♪
♪ No trophy, no flowers
No flashbulbs, no wine ♪
♪ He's haunted by something
He cannot define ♪
♪ Bowel-shaking earthquakes
Of doubt and remorse ♪
♪ Assail him, impale him
With monster truck force ♪
♪ In his mind he's still driving
Still making the grade ♪
♪ She's hoping in time
That her memories will fade ♪
♪ 'Cause he's racing and pacing
And plotting the course ♪
♪ He's fighting and biting
And riding on his horse ♪
♪ The sun has gone down
And the moon has come up ♪
♪ And long ago
Somebody left with the cup ♪
♪ But he's driving and striving
And hugging the turns ♪
♪ And thinking of someone
For whom he still burns ♪
♪ He's going the distance ♪
♪ He's going for speed ♪
♪ She's all alone ♪
♪ All alone
In her time of need ♪
♪ Because he's racing and pacing
And plotting the course ♪
♪ He's fighting and biting
And riding on his horse ♪
♪ He's racing and pacing
And plotting the course ♪
♪ He's fighting and biting
And riding on his horse ♪
♪ He's going the distance ♪
♪ He's going for speed ♪
♪ He's going the distance ♪
Oh right, oh no.
Hey!
Oh, no. All right. Hey, hey!
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh ♪
Hey, hey.
♪ Oh, oh ♪
All right.
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh ♪
Hey, hey.
♪ Oh ♪
Go.
♪ Oh ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
All right, all right.
Thanks a lot, thanks a lot.
Hey!
That's our show for tonight.
I'd like to thank my guests,
John Amos, Grandmaster Flash,
and once again, Cake!
Give it up for Cake, y'all.
Thank you. All right.
♪ ("I WILL SURVIVE"
BY CAKE PLAYING) ♪
♪ At first, I was afraid ♪
♪ I was petrified ♪
♪ I kept thinking
I could never live ♪
♪ Without you by my side ♪
♪ But then I spent
So many nights ♪
♪ Just thinking
How you'd done me wrong ♪
♪ I grew strong ♪
♪ I learned how to get along ♪
♪ And so you're back ♪
♪ From outer space ♪
♪ I just walked in
To find you here ♪
♪ Without that look
Upon your face ♪
♪ I should have changed
My fucking lock ♪
♪ I would have made you
Leave your key ♪
♪ If I'd have known
For just one second ♪
♪ You'd be back to bother me ♪
♪ Oh, now go... ♪
(SCREAMING)
♪ Weren't you the one who tried
To break me with desire? ♪
♪ Did you think I'd crumble? ♪
♪ Did you think
I'd lay down and die? ♪
♪ Oh, not I ♪
♪ I will survive ♪
♪ Yeah
As long as I know how to love ♪
♪ I know I'll be alive ♪
♪ I've got all my life to live ♪
♪ I've got all my love to give ♪
♪ I will survive
I will survive ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Hello, I'm Greg Gumbel.
In 1779, George Washington
was preparing
for the Battle of Brandywine.
And as his army awaited
the approach of dawn,
in order to stave off
cold and fatigue,
General Washington
had a cup of coffee.
When asked if he wanted
cream in his coffee,
Washington simply replied,
"No thanks,
I'll just have it black."
For Black History Month Minute,
I'm Greg Gumbel.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS)
♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
ANNOUNCER: From New York City,
it's The Chris Rock Show!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
ANNOUNCER:
Tonight, actor John Amos.
Musical guest, Cake.
Plus musical director,
Grandmaster Flash.
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
ANNOUNCER: Ladies
and gentlemen, Chris Rock!
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
All right!
Calm down.
All right, all right.
What happened this week?
Mark Fuhrman is busy doing
publicity for his new book,
okay,
about the O.J. Simpson case.
Now, originally,
the book was 400 pages,
but he took out the word
"nigger," now it's only four.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Tyra Banks is on the cover
of Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit Edition.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes!
A Black woman on the cover
of Sports Illustrated.
What's next?
Jenny McCarthy on the cover
of Black Tail?
Now, why would I pay six dollars
to see Tyra Banks almost naked
in Sports Illustrated,
when I can see her
in the Victoria's Secret catalog
for free?
(LAUGHTER)
Uh, this week, Michael Jackson--
Michael Jackson
paid tribute to Liz Taylor
at her 65th birthday bash.
He said, "I hope to be
everything that she is someday."
A old white lady.
(LAUGHING)
Uh, Mia Farrow's
got a new book out.
You know, a new book out, where
she's talking about Woody Allen,
her relationship with Woody.
And in the book she said,
"Early on,
all I wanted for Woody to do
was love my children,
just love my children."
See, that's all. Just can't make
y'all woman happy at all.
Soon as he fell in love
with one, now she mad.
(LAUGHTER)
This week, uh,
the New Jersey Nets...
the New Jersey Nets
and the Dallas Mavericks
made a nine-player deal
this week, nine-player deal.
Now, these are two of the worst
teams in all of basketball.
So I don't know how the trade
can help either team, really.
I mean, that's like trading
the cast from Malcolm & Eddie
for the cast
of Homeboys in Outer Space.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Also, this week,
it was announced that, uh,
Ellen will come out
of the closet during sweeps
and reveal
that she is a lesbian.
Now, you know, if Ellen really
wanted to shock America,
you know what she'd do?
She would reveal
that she's straight.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS)
Ooh.
Uh, a form--
This week, a former congressman,
Mel Reynolds--
remember him,
arrested with the girl--
went on a hunger strike
to protest prison overcrowding.
He told reporters, "I'm being
treated like an animal
instead of what I am,
a man who fucks
underage campaign workers."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS)
Also, this week,
Louis Farrakhan shocked everyone
by reaching out
to the Jewish community.
Hey, take a look at this clip.
VOICEOVER:
So I implore you, my brothers,
seek the wisdom
of Seinfeld and Kramer,
for they speak the truth.
But do not be led astray
by The Nanny.
That yenta is nothing
but trouble.
That voice, oy vey!
But if you want to gain
entrance to heaven,
you must run, not walk,
to see Jackie Mason
in The World According to Me.
You'll laugh till you plotz,
or my name ain't Lou Farrakhan.
Now let us share
in a lean corned beef sandwich,
one of those really big ones.
(CHEERING)
So, I want everybody
to say what's up
to my man, Grandmaster Flash.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
This is a great show tonight.
We've got a brand-new band
called Cake.
-And-- And--
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
And my very special guest,
Mr. John Amos.
(CHEERING)
Whoo!
It has been insane here all day.
Look at what just happened.
Just look at this.
CROWD: (CHANTING)
We want John! We want John!
We want John! We want John!
We want John! We want John!
(SCREAMING)
(CHEERING STOPS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
Now, economists say
that every year,
four hundred billion dollars
is spent in the Black community.
But it doesn't seem like
it's staying in the community.
So I wanted to find out
where it's going.
So, using the latest technology,
I tracked down
a five-dollar bill
through Harlem.
Let's see what happens.
Now, what we have here
is a genuine five-dollar bill.
Now, using special technology,
we will follow this bill
wherever it goes.
And so,
the bill was in the community
and on its way.
So it went through
the fake leopard hat guy,
to the fake Tommy Hilfiger guy,
to, guess who,
the fake Rolex guy,
to the bootleg tape guy.
Hey, Speed 2's
not even out yet.
And back to the fake hat guy.
And then, the fake hat guy
ran into a little trouble.
The cop started to go here,
but realized way too many
comedians have done that joke.
So he bought one of these.
Bean pies, get some bean pies.
CHRIS ROCK: A bean pie!
This guy apparently got his coat
from the fake fur guy.
After eating his bean pie,
he went straight to church.
Damn, how many
collection plates y'all got?
Now you know the preacher's
got to get his cut.
I'm sure he's taking that money
to feed some hungry children.
And right now,
he's feeding her ass.
The stripper,
on her way to college,
bumps into a crackhead
and buys a stereo, a TV, a VCR,
brand-new computer
with mouse and mouse pad,
all for five dollars.
Oh, I love crack.
The crackhead went straight
to the crack dealer,
past him, straight into
an investment banker,
where he proceeded to buy
five dollars' worth of stock.
The banker said,
"You must be a damn fool,"
but took his
five dollars anyway.
Upset that there was an actual
crackhead in his office,
the man shut down
his operation
and proceeded
to flee the community.
There he goes
with the five dollars.
Man, we could have done a lot
with that five.
A lottery ticket--
Oh, yes, yes, get the money!
-Here, here.
-Say what?
-That's all you got?
-Yeah.
What's that?
What's that green dot? Huh?
CHRIS: Yes, yes, we got it back!
Yeah, we got the five back!
Yeah! We got it!
It's back in the community.
Show me the money!
Show me the money,
show me the money.
Yeah, we got the money!
(APPLAUDING)
I guess we're never gonna know
what happened
to that five dollars.
-Right, Flash?
-Right.
America fell in love
with my first guest
when he starred as James Evans
on the hit series Good Times.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
He's gone on to star
in films like Die Hard 2,
Let's Do It Again,
Coming to America,
and this week
he'll be presenting
a Screen Actors Guild Award
tomorrow.
Please welcome John Amos.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Wow.
Wow.
It's been like this all day.
I just wanna say,
welcome to the show.
Now, I understand you're
originally from the East Coast,
-right?
-Still am.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
All right.
I know you just flew in from LA.
just to do this show,
so I really appreciate it.
Now, how was your flight?
Actually Chris,
it was kind of bumpy,
-you know--
-AUDIENCE MEMBER: All right!
When we finally landed,
I'd never been so glad
to see New York in my life.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
So, you and your family
still live in New Jersey?
Yeah, born and raised
in New Jersey.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Well, you just got married,
didn't ya'?
Yeah, about three months ago.
As I mentioned
in your intro,
most people saw you first
in Good Times.
Now, I love Good Times so much,
I brought my own clip.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Which episode did you bring?
I brought an episode
where you had a hard time
finding a job.
That could be any episode.
Let's take a look at this.
What's the problem, Thelma?
Well, Daddy, J.J. and I
are gonna be
graduating from high school
this year,
but we don't know
what to head for.
I don't know whether to study
to become a teacher, or a nurse,
or maybe a professional dancer.
What do you think, Daddy?
I can tell you
right from the jump,
that dancing sounds like
a long shot to me.
You gonna need something solid
to fall back on.
Now, nursing
or teaching sounds good,
but, Thelma, you got the brains
to go on and be a doctor.
-Oh, thank you, Daddy.
-Mm-hmm.
I was confused, but I knew
you'd straighten me out.
-No problem, baby girl.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Oh, man, it still holds up.
I mean, that was brilliant.
Well, thanks, Chris.
Well, you know,
that was 20 years ago.
These days, I consider myself
a more serious actor.
-Of course--
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Consider yourself?
You are a more serious actor.
I mean, Roots, Die Hard 2,
Coming to America.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
And also, on February 28th
through March 1st,
you're gonna be doing
a one-man show
called Halley's Comet
in Las Vegas
at the cultural center,
I understand.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Now, I always thought
you were a bit--
I always thought you were
underused as an actor.
I mean, it's obvious that women
are very attracted to you.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
One of my favorite--
It just seemed like
you should have been
in more romantic roles.
One of my favorite movies
was When Harry Met Sally.
And I always thought
you would've been perfect...
-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah!
-...for the Harry part.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-You would've been perfect.
-Well, I don't know.
Do you want him?
Do you want him?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
AUDIENCE: (CHANTING) John, John,
John, John, John, John, John!
(CHEERING)
-Come on.
-Read it?
-Yes.
-You want me to read this?
Amos, please, could you
read this for us?
I'd be glad
to read it for you.
♪ (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I love how you get cold
when it's 71 degrees out.
I love that it takes you
an hour and a half
to order a sandwich.
I love that you get
a little crinkle right there
when you're looking
at me like I'm nuts.
I love that after I spend
the day with you,
I can still smell
your perfume on my clothes.
And I love that you're the last
person I want to talk to
before I go to sleep at night.
And it's not because I'm lonely,
and it's not because
it's New Year's Eve.
I came here tonight
because when you realize
you want to spend the rest
of your life with somebody...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(WOMEN SCREAMING)
We're gonna have to
get this right now.
But in the meantime,
I want everybody
to take a look at this,
please, please.
Hello, I'm Eartha Kitt.
In 1974, the American
Broadcasting Company
began production of a movie that
defined terror for a generation.
And because it had
three short parts,
it came to be known
as Trilogy of Terror,
each part telling the story
of a different woman
terrorized by things
that go bump in the night.
Amazingly, all three
of these women
were played by one actress.
Her name was Karen Black.
For Black History Month Minute,
I'm Eartha Kitt.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
The Oscars were recently
announced,
and this year
there were two Black nominees.
Now, last year
there was only one,
so that's 100 percent increase.
Now--
Now, here to discuss
their feelings
about this year's nominations
live from the Chris Rock Studios
in Hollywood,
are my film correspondents,
who also write
for BET, Jet magazine,
and Blacktress,
Donny Savoy and Richie Banks.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Chris, how are you?
So, guys, let's talk about
this year's Oscar nominations.
This year, for Best Picture
you had The English Patient,
Shine, Secrets and Lies,
Fargo, Jerry Maguire.
What did you like?
Yeah, Chris,
those were all good movies,
but how dare they pick
Jerry Maguire over Kazaam?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Excuse me, did you just say
Kazaam over Jerry Maguire?
Yeah, yeah, Chris.
Chris, I picked it
because it was positive, okay?
It was great seeing
a positive Black genie,
-not selling drugs.
-Yeah.
-Positive?
-RICHIE BANKS: Yes.
First of all,
Kazaam was a movie
about the biggest brother
on the planet
being a slave
to a little white boy.
And second of all,
the brother came out of a radio.
What kind of racist shit
is that?
Why didn't they just make him
come out of a bottle of Colt 45?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
What about Fargo,
did you like that?
Again, Fargo is
not a bad little film.
But the Coen brothers
cannot touch the Wayan brothers
for genius, hardly.
Or for brothers.
There's way more
Wayans than Coens.
Hell, there's more
Isley Brothers
than Coen brothers.
I mean, though,
that's besides the point.
I mean, there's just so many
good Black movies out this year.
We had Fled,The Rich Man's Wife,
Drop Squad,
-and again, Kazaam.
-Kazaam.
Come on guys,
you can't like everything
just 'cause
Black people are in it.
Black people are in jail,
you like that?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND LAUGHING)
Well, you see Chris,
you should understand
that it's important
to support Black films.
I mean, white people
don't talk about Pauly Shore.
-That's right.
-Yes, they do, all the time.
Shit, Pauly Shore gonna rent
a movie and get a bad review.
Now, what's your pick
for Best Picture?
All right, Chris, the best movie
of the year was Solo
with Mario Van Peebles.
Yes, absolutely.
You picked Solo
over Jerry Maguire?
It was a very positive movie.
It was good seeing a positive
Black robot not selling drugs,
being a role model
in the community.
Come on guys, Solo
over Jerry Maguire?
You picked it
'cause it was positive?
Solo was so bad, they didn't
even make bootlegs of it.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Which is a positive thing.
-Which is a positive thing.
All right, who'd you choose
for Best Actress?
All right, all right.
Queen Latifah for Set It Off.
-Come on. Yeah.
-Yeah.
-For the Oscar?
-Yeah.
I mean, what was positive
about Queen Latifah?
She was a bank robber.
She was a positive bank robber,
trying to get fishnets
for her lesbian lover.
You've gotta like that,
you gotta like that.
-Yes.
-Yes.
And if not her, our sleeper pick
is Arnelle Simpson
from the R. Kelly video
"You Remind Me of My Jeep."
But wait a minute,
wait a minute.
That's not even a movie,
that's a video.
You can't nominate a video
just 'cause it's shot on film.
Okay, who did
you pick for Best Actor?
All right,
that fine comic actor
from A Thin Line
Between Love and Hate,
-Bobby Brown. Yes.
-Bobby Brown.
Okay. I want to see you guys
at the Oscar boycott.
Hey folks,
I want you to watch this.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Hello, I'm Stanley Crouch.
In 1901,
Henry Ford made important use
of the assembly line.
His goal was to produce cars
so efficiently
that they would be affordable to
the Ford employees themselves.
In keeping with the methods
of mass production,
every car had to be painted
the very same color.
When asked
what color he liked,
Ford is reported
to have thought for a moment,
and then said,
"Make them all black."
For Black History Month Minute,
I'm Stanley Crouch.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Here to do
a song called "The Distance"
off their album Fashion Nugget,
please welcome Cake.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
♪ Reluctantly crouched
At the starting line ♪
♪ Engines pumping
And thumping in time ♪
♪ The green light flashes
The flags go up ♪
♪ Churning and burning
They yearn for the cup ♪
♪ ("THE DISTANCE"
BY CAKE PLAYING) ♪
♪ They deftly maneuver
And muscle for rank ♪
♪ Fuel burning fast
On an empty tank ♪
♪ Reckless and wild
They pour through the turns ♪
♪ Their prowess is potent
And secretly stern ♪
♪ As they speed
Through the finish ♪
♪ The flags go down ♪
♪ The fans get up
And they get out of town ♪
♪ The arena is empty
Except for one man ♪
♪ Still driving and striving
As fast as he can ♪
♪ The sun has gone down
And the moon has come up ♪
♪ And long ago
Somebody left with the cup ♪
♪ But he's driving and striving
And hugging the turns ♪
♪ And thinking of someone
For whom he still burns ♪
♪ He's going the distance ♪
♪ He's going for speed ♪
♪ She's all alone ♪
♪ All alone
In her time of need ♪
♪ Because he's racing and pacing
And plotting the course ♪
♪ He's fighting and biting
And riding on his horse ♪
♪ He's going the distance ♪
♪ No trophy, no flowers
No flashbulbs, no wine ♪
♪ He's haunted by something
He cannot define ♪
♪ Bowel-shaking earthquakes
Of doubt and remorse ♪
♪ Assail him, impale him
With monster truck force ♪
♪ In his mind he's still driving
Still making the grade ♪
♪ She's hoping in time
That her memories will fade ♪
♪ 'Cause he's racing and pacing
And plotting the course ♪
♪ He's fighting and biting
And riding on his horse ♪
♪ The sun has gone down
And the moon has come up ♪
♪ And long ago
Somebody left with the cup ♪
♪ But he's driving and striving
And hugging the turns ♪
♪ And thinking of someone
For whom he still burns ♪
♪ He's going the distance ♪
♪ He's going for speed ♪
♪ She's all alone ♪
♪ All alone
In her time of need ♪
♪ Because he's racing and pacing
And plotting the course ♪
♪ He's fighting and biting
And riding on his horse ♪
♪ He's racing and pacing
And plotting the course ♪
♪ He's fighting and biting
And riding on his horse ♪
♪ He's going the distance ♪
♪ He's going for speed ♪
♪ He's going the distance ♪
Oh right, oh no.
Hey!
Oh, no. All right. Hey, hey!
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh ♪
Hey, hey.
♪ Oh, oh ♪
All right.
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh ♪
Hey, hey.
♪ Oh ♪
Go.
♪ Oh ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
All right, all right.
Thanks a lot, thanks a lot.
Hey!
That's our show for tonight.
I'd like to thank my guests,
John Amos, Grandmaster Flash,
and once again, Cake!
Give it up for Cake, y'all.
Thank you. All right.
♪ ("I WILL SURVIVE"
BY CAKE PLAYING) ♪
♪ At first, I was afraid ♪
♪ I was petrified ♪
♪ I kept thinking
I could never live ♪
♪ Without you by my side ♪
♪ But then I spent
So many nights ♪
♪ Just thinking
How you'd done me wrong ♪
♪ I grew strong ♪
♪ I learned how to get along ♪
♪ And so you're back ♪
♪ From outer space ♪
♪ I just walked in
To find you here ♪
♪ Without that look
Upon your face ♪
♪ I should have changed
My fucking lock ♪
♪ I would have made you
Leave your key ♪
♪ If I'd have known
For just one second ♪
♪ You'd be back to bother me ♪
♪ Oh, now go... ♪
(SCREAMING)
♪ Weren't you the one who tried
To break me with desire? ♪
♪ Did you think I'd crumble? ♪
♪ Did you think
I'd lay down and die? ♪
♪ Oh, not I ♪
♪ I will survive ♪
♪ Yeah
As long as I know how to love ♪
♪ I know I'll be alive ♪
♪ I've got all my life to live ♪
♪ I've got all my love to give ♪
♪ I will survive
I will survive ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪