The Chris Rock Show (1997–2000): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
ANNOUNCER: From New York City,
it's The Chris Rock Show!
Tonight, actress Jenifer Lewis,
and musical guests D'Angelo,
Raphael Saadiq,
Ali Shaheed Muhammad,
and Questlove.
Plus, musical director
Grandmaster Flash.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock!
-(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
-(RECORD SCRATCHING)
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
All right. Okay.
Yeah, what's up, y'all? Welcome.
Welcome to The Chris Rock Show!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)
Welcome to The Chris Rock Show!
Special--
This is a Valentine's Day.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Valentine's Day,
everybody's celebratin'
Valentine's Day.
It's a day for everybody, right?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Valentine's Day is nice.
You know,
Valentine's Day is a woman day.
Don't got nothin'
to do with a man.
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
I don't want no flowers,
I don't want no candy.
-That's all about y'all.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You go in the card shop today,
you ain't see no women
in the line.
It's a bunch of tired ass men...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-...you know?
You know, go in the card shop,
go into any store,
just a bunch of men.
We don't even know
what y'all want.
You know, we just
ask the sales lady,
"Uh, what you like?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
That's all it is.
What's the big news this week?
Michael Jackson--
Michael Jackson had a baby.
-(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
-Michael Jackson had a baby.
A baby boy.
Yes, I'm not making this up.
Michael Jackson had a baby boy.
And actually, the baby came out
a little early,
'cause the baby is just
like his daddy, you know,
last place he wanted to be
was inside a woman.
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
This week, O.J.-- Anybody see
the cover of the New York Post?
O.J., you know, they asked him,
you know,
he's gotta pay
all this money now.
So O.J. said,
"This is far from over!
This is far from over!"
What is he saying?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-What is he saying?
What?
He gonna kill Fred Goldman next?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
"I'm gonna get you, Goldman!
You're a dead man!"
Last week,
my man Oliver McCall...
What's this? Oliver McCall...
broke down and started cryin'
during a boxing match.
Just broke down,
just started cryin'.
He was fighting Lennox Lewis,
he started cryin',
they said, "What's wrong?"
He said,
"I thought it was Jerry Lewis."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
Uh, speakin' of that,
Faye Resnick!
Faye Resnick, you know,
speakin' of O.J. earlier,
is gettin' ready--
actually, right now,
on the stands, Faye Resnick
is nude in Playboy magazine.
Nude in Playboy magazine.
You know, I always say,
if you want credibility,
and you want people to listen
to what you got to say,
show your ass.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Show your ass.
Uh, what happened the other day?
Snoop Dogg and Puffy
appeared on
The Steve Harvey Show
to mend the rift between
the East Coast
and the West Coast rappers.
That was kinda cool.
-(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
-That was cool.
You know, they did it,
they mended the rift.
Now they just need somebody
to mend the rift
between TV viewers
and The Steve Harvey Show.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
No, no, I mean,
I don't wanna dis Steve Harvey.
I like Steve Harvey.
I watch the Apollo every week.
But if you're gonna announce
something important,
why would you announce it
on the WB?
-Nobody watches the WB!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
You could announce
the cure for AIDS on the WB,
and nobody would find out
for a week.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
Now, as you all know,
today is Valentine's Day.
It's a day when people
think about love and romance.
That's why they got
all these books out
about relationships.
And right now, one of
the best-selling books
about relationships
is... (CHUCKLES) ...The Rules.
Everybody knows about The Rules.
-(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
-That's right.
Y'all following
your rules, right?
It's about how to get a man
to marry her. That's right.
How do women get a man
to marry her?
With tips like,
"Don't accept a Saturday night
date after Wednesday."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm gonna call you
on Friday mornin'.
That's right. So now, of course,
you knew they would come out
with a male version
of The Rules.
They have a male version,
and it's right here.
It's called Ike Turner's Rules.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
And Ike Turner's Rules
has great rules, like,
"Rule number 1, shut up."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
"Rule number 2,
I said, shut up!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
"Rule number 3,
no more than two feet
in the ass at one time."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
And "Rule number 4,
I told you, shut the fuck up!"
(AUDIENCE CLAPS, CHEERS)
I want to thank everybody
for comin' out,
I want you to thank
my DJ, my pal,
the original hip-hop
DJ himself, Grandmaster Flex!
-(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
-(RECORD SCRATCHING)
♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Now, I remember
when I went to school,
the best way to learn something
was by watching one of
those old film strips.
Now, with this in mind,
I thought it would be cool
to make up one of
those film strips about
an adult topic, something we all
could relate to today, romance.
So, lights, please?
Someone, help me out?
(WHIRRING)
(STATIC CRACKLING)
-(BEEPING)
-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(BEEPING)
CHRIS ROCK: Hello.
-I'm Chris Rock.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Finding the right someone
is different than it used to be.
(BEEPING)
But one thing remains the same.
(BEEPING)
It still takes
a man like this...
(BEEPING)
...to get a woman like this.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(BEEPING)
Or like this. God!
(BEEPING)
Hey, what y'all doin'
after the show?
Can I get anybody a drink?
(BEEPING)
But I digress.
(BEEPING)
The first date
is very important.
The best advice
is to be yourself, unless...
(BEEPING)
...your name is Michael Irvin.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(BEEPING)
CHRIS: Ladies,
always give your date
your full
and undivided attention.
Make that man feel special!
(BEEPING)
Hey, what you doin', girl?
-Get your hands off his ass!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(BEEPING)
CHRIS: Having shared interests
is crucial to a budding romance.
(BEEPING)
These two kooky kids
appear to have
-a long future ahead of them.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
(BEEPING)
CHRIS:
Meeting a new person's parents
is a very important test.
(BEEPING)
This young man appears
to have passed
with flying colors.
(BEEPING)
Hey, you're breaking my knees!
-Get off of me, you old freak!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
(BEEPS)
Guess what? I never read
any of these books.
(BEEPING)
When it comes
to remaining faithful,
people fall into two categories.
(BEEPING)
Men who cheat...
(BEEPING)
...and men who
get caught cheating.
-(BEEPING)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
CHRIS:
Don't rush into a relationship.
It's important to know
everything about someone
before you get too involved.
(BEEPING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
CHRIS: Sometimes relationships
just don't work out.
(BEEPING)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(BEEPING)
CHRIS:
If you're involved in a breakup,
don't be depressed.
The best thing you can do
is get right back up
on the horse.
-(BEEPING)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
CHRIS:
Give the new relationship time.
(BEEPING)
Don't expect it to be
like the love you've lost.
(BEEPING)
And if it doesn't work out,
don't be discouraged.
(BEEPING)
There's still plenty
of fish in the sea.
-(BEEPING)
-(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
I want to thank Lil' Kim
for doin' that.
Now our first guest
has appeared on stage, screen,
and film, and you may know her
from her amazing performances
in The Preacher's Wife,
and
What's Love Got to Do with It?
Please welcome the diva,
Miss Jenifer Lewis! Come on.
-(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(INAUDIBLE)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER)
-Hey, little bit!
-(LAUGHS)
How you doin'?
Look at that suit,
you're so cute.
Ain't he cute?
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
Yeah.
-Thank you, Jenifer.
-Thank you, baby.
Oh, my God. So anything--
How you gonna spend
this Valentine's Day, Jenifer?
Mmm... Well, I got a little...
chocolate in here, and...
Wow.
Got some special things for you.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)
-Wow.
-We'll just ask the audience.
Should I put them on,
or should I put them on him?
-ALL: On him!
-That's right.
(LAUGHS) Stand up.
-No! That's all right.
-You're not gonna do it?
No, 'cause I gotta do
a whole show--
All right, well, wait a minute.
You know,
when I do get arrested later,
the police are gonna
have to take those off...
-Now wait a minute-- (LAUGHS)
-...to put the real ones on me.
Now that's funny.
Now wait a minute,
hold on a second. Hold on.
This is turning me on,
hold on.
-Oh, it's Valentine's Day!
-CHRIS: Yes,
-it's Valentine's Day.
-I said I'd be provocative.
-Really?
-I just wanted to do that.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)
Get it? Where's the camera?
Which camera's on?
-Oh, that camera.
-Okay, wait a minute, hold it.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
Fabulous pose.
-(LAUGHS)
-All right, enough of that.
You know I ain't never
been in no handcuffs.
Really?
You won't get no man
to hold me down.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
-(LAUGHS)
-It's Valentine's Day!
-That's right, baby.
Oh, yeah, I got 'em
this Valentine's Day.
All right, all right.
Everybody say that,
Valentine's Day.
ALL: Valentine's Day!
JENIFER: Oh, I like-- she did it
just the way I did it!
-She went, "Valentine..."
-(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS)
So, what are you doin'
this Valentine's Day?
Well, I'm doin' your show, baby.
And then I gotta--
CHRIS: What's after the show?
-You want the truth--
-CHRIS: I want some truth.
What's really going on?
-Well, I'm--
-Do you got a man?
Well, I'm...
just flying back to L.A.
to meet somebody
that I just met.
-CHRIS: Anybody I know?
-Mmm, nasty.
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's nobody you know,
but I gotta tell you,
I met him at the...
premiere
of Eddie Murphy's Metro.
-CHRIS: Okay.
-And he was so gorgeous,
I was like, oh, my God,
he's got to be gay.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-He's too gorgeous.
-But he wasn't.
-You just said that I was cute,
-what does that mean?
-(LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
-It's because I know you--
-I'm cute,
-but not gay cute.
-Yeah! (LAUGHS)
Because I know your wife,
and I know you.
-Okay.
-And now I know him.
No, I really, I didn't know--
you know, we were talkin',
and I was like, oh,
he's just a fan or whatever.
Then he gave me
the nasty eye.
CHRIS: Wait, what's...
-The nasty eye?
-You know what
-the nasty eye is.
-I know what the nasty eye is.
The nasty eye is when
a guy looks at you
and he really wants you.
You know he wants you.
Or he wants to talk further.
Okay,
I try to hide the nasty eye.
I got, like, the nasty eye,
then I got
that mumble under my breath.
I'm lookin' at you, going,
"Boy, I can't wait
to get a hold of this..."
-(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
-(LAUGHS)
"Boy..." (CHUCKLES)
-"Boy..." (LAUGHS)
-(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
Just talkin' to yourself. "Boy,
look at the ass on that one."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
"Boy, I hope she's a whore--
-Hey!"
-(LAUGHS)
-"You like your soup?"
-Oh, God!
Oh, God. We do the same thing,
women do the same thing.
We be like, "Oh...
-Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Hi, how are you?"
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(LAUGHS)
-Same thing.
-So, how--
Okay, you met him at Metro,
so this is a couple of months.
Yeah, it's fresh and new,
and I haven't slept
with him yet, but I'm gonna.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
(LAUGHS)
Not yet?
Oh, no, because you know
you gotta wait,
you gotta really get to know
somebody now, you know and...
you know, I'm all special,
and...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...soft, and rich...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
...and-- Nah, just kiddin'!
There's another line. And cheap.
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
So how long should a guy wait?
A guy or a girl?
How long should
a girl wait, I'm sorry.
Well, I think you should
just wait until you really know
the person, because, I mean,
after all that sweatin'
and pantin'
and all of that thing
that you do when we do,
then what?
It's like, you roll over and go,
"Oh, what in God's name
can I say to this person?"
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-So you don't want that.
You want to be able to, like,
you know, turn over and go...
Hi...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(LAUGHS)
See that's where women
have their most power, too.
Before you do it.
-I don't--
-Right before, like, that moment
right before you do it.
After it, then it's like, hey.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(LAUGHS)
Hey...
No, even if...
To that moment, it's like,
you know that, like,
"I'm gonna get it tomorrow,"
right?
Then you can get them
to do anything?
After you do it, you know.
"I need you to go
pick up somethin'."
-"Then what?"
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"And I don't get somethin'?"
"You got somethin' new?"
-You know, I think...
-Now...
No, you know women, I mean,
we're powerful all the time.
But you guys
are real powerful, too.
I have to give it up,
you know.
Y'all, y'all, y'all--
But, you know, right after,
you all are like...
-Anyway, you know, so...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
-What, what--
-No, really!
Oh, Grandmaster said, hey!
-Well, excuse me, Grandmaster.
-(LAUGHS)
Oh, right after doin'
it with you, yeah--
Oh, now, now, come on, now--
That'll put the average guy out,
I would imagine.
-I'm a virgin like Madonna.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Remember that song,
remember, she came out...
♪ Like a virgin, hoo ♪
I was like,
"Miss Thing, please."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(LAUGHS)
So, what do you prefer,
Black or white men?
Uh, let's put it like this.
White men are nice,
Black men are real nice.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-(LAUGHS)
-Woo! Mercy, mercy, mercy.
-(LAUGHS)
-Oh, yeah.
-Real nice.
Yeah.
I was goin' out with
this white boy, you know,
and I don't know, somethin' must
have happened
in his childhood...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...and he got all confused,
and he thought, like, you know,
the world owed him something,
I said, "Maybe the world owes
you something, but I don't."
So I couldn't take care of him,
I couldn't take him
back to my hometown
and say, "Look,"
look at my aunts and go,
"Look, I'm supporting a man,
-and by the way--"
-You supported a white man?
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-That's what I'm sayin'!
-What the hell!
That's what I'm sayin'!
That's what she would've said!
-What kinda--
-A white man?
That's the ultimate insult
to the ancestors.
If you're gonna get a white man,
-don't get a broke one.
-That's what I'm sayin'!
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
-There's plenty of 'em.
-That's what I'm sayin'!
You are a fool.
-Why?
-You are a fool.
All the white men out there...
You are a fool.
You give Bill Gates some
and get on with your business.
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
No, but I'm through.
The one I just met's Black,
and that's nice.
That's nice. Well I want
to thank you for coming out.
Yeah, is that all?
Do I get some sugar?
You get whatever you want.
-Oh, now, now.
-(AUDIENCE AWING, CLAPPING)
-It's Valentine's Day.
-(LAUGHS)
Yeah, thank you, baby.
-Thank you.
-Where's your wife?
-She's over there.
-All right, girl.
I ain't gonna
go no further, girl.
ANNOUNCER: The Chris Rock Show
is brought to you
by The Harlem Law Offices
of Pervis, Pervis, and Platt.
Pervis, Pervis, and Platt
has been serving
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Pervis, Pervis, and Platt
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And that's why
at Pervis, Pervis, and Platt
not only do we practice law,
but we also braid hair.
-That's right.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
We practice law, we braid hair.
And we've been there
for all the landmark decisions.
Plessy versus Ferguson.
Brown versus
Board of Education.
Ali versus Frazier.
CLIENT 1:
I just got hit by a bus!
ANNOUNCER:
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-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
Thank you!
Okay.
Traditionally
on Valentine's Day,
we do something
special and something nice
for that someone in our lives.
But this year, I thought I'd do
somethin' a little different.
I thought I'd show
my appreciation...
(INHALES SHARPLY) ...by doing
something special
for all the someone's
who have been in my life.
So I got some gifts,
went out and surprised
some of my ex-girlfriends.
Let's see what happened.
♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-CHRIS: Hi, Kim.
-Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-KIM: You're kidding me.
-CHRIS: I'm not!
KIM: What are you doing here?
CHRIS: I'm apologizing
for being such an asshole.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Candy...
-for you.
-This cute.
Flowers...
And pig feet.
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Thanks a lot, Chris.
-Hello?
-(HOPE SCREAMS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Oh, sh...
-(LAUGHS)
My gosh!
-Chris! (LAUGHS) Damn!
-(LAUGHS)
-Oh, my God.
-How you doin', Hope?
-How you doin'?
-I'm all right.
I got some stuff for you.
-I got flowers...
-Oh, my gosh.
I got, um, candy.
(LAUGHS)
I got more candy...
-Why are you doin' this?
-...I got pig feet.
Pig feet?
Chris, why you doin' this?
♪ We unite... ♪
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
-Hi, Steph!
-(GASPS) Oh, shit!
(GIGGLES) Hi, Chris,
how are you?
Chris is different from
the guys that I usually
am attracted to.
He's... he's a good guy,
He's a good guy.
He's a nice guy.
He lied to me.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-And...
I felt totally betrayed,
I felt like...
he deceived me.
So I found this used condom
in the front seat of the car,
and I picked it up,
and I'm like,
"What is this?" Of course,
knowing it is what it was,
and he said,
"Oh, it was my brother's."
For some reason
I don't attract nice guys.
You had a boyfriend
that was shot seven times,
and you still wouldn't go
out with me?
(CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
I'd rather almost die...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...than give you a shot.
Where's my heart?
Where's my valentine?
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-Where's your heart?
Where's your valentine? Okay.
INTERVIEWER: What's the nicest
gift he ever gave you?
Um, a diamond bracelet.
INTERVIEWER: What's the worst
gift he ever got you?
Underwear?
INTERVIEWER:
What, was it sexy underwear?
-That was the problem?
-Yes.
What kind of underwear was it?
Okay... (CHUCKLES)
...you know, like, grandma?
-The big...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...bloomers.
INTERVIEWER: What was the worst
gift he ever got you?
I think he bought me
some underwear.
INTERVIEWER: What was the worst
gift he ever got you?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
-Um...
A pair of underwear.
(CHUCKLES)
INTERVIEWER:
Were you faithful to Chris?
Yes, I was.
But you had a baby
while we were dating.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
I'm just sayin', you know.
Next thing, you know,
and she was pregnant,
and she wouldn't even
say anything.
It was weird, it was like
this thing we pretended
like it wasn't there.
And the stomach
was just bigger--
HOPE:
Always had love for you, babe.
-It was, like, weird.
-Always had love for you.
And people would go,
"Hey, congratulations!"
And I'm like, "Yeah..."
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Do you know
that Justin said to me,
-"Mommy, why'd you marry daddy?"
-(LAUGHS)
"Our father could've been
Chris Rock!"
I told Chris what
you said to me the other day.
-What?
-That's Chris Rock?
About why'd I marry daddy.
Hey, how's it goin', Darryl?
-Oh, my God. (LAUGHS)
-(KIM LAUGHS)
Christopher, what's up, brother?
Oh, man, this is so great
that you invited me
into the family.
I feel great.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)
Hey, all right.
So, fellas, do you see?
It doesn't take much
to make a woman feel good,
just the old standby, flowers
and candy. Right, girls?
ALL: Yes.
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
Here to do a special
Valentine's Day performance
-is D'Angelo, Raphael Saadiq...
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)
...Ali Shaheed Muhammad,
and Questlove!
Come on!
♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(BOTH SINGING)
♪ You know tonight ♪
♪ He is your knight ♪
♪ We do it all ♪
♪ Hope I can rely ♪
♪ I'm gon' bring it to you ♪
♪ Bring my sweet love ♪
♪ And bring it all home to you ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
All right,
y'all ready to get down?
One, two, three.
♪ ("LADY" BY D'ANGELO PLAYING) ♪
-(SINGING) ♪ Don't think
I don't see them looking at ya ♪
-♪ Come on ♪
♪ All of them wishing
They could have ya ♪
♪ And as a matter of fact, uh ♪
♪ A bunch of them are itchin'
For you to scratch them ♪
♪ I'm tired of hiding
What we feel ♪
♪ I'm trying to come
With the real ♪
♪ And I'm-a gonna
Make it known ♪
♪ 'Cause I want them to know ♪
♪ Baby, baby ♪
-♪ You're my little baby ♪
-♪ Baby ♪
-♪ You're my darling baby ♪
-♪ Baby ♪
♪ I swear you're the talk
Of the town ♪
♪ And everybody wants
To know what's going down ♪
♪ Babe
I know they've seen us before ♪
♪ Maybe at the liquor store ♪
♪ Maybe at the liquor store ♪
♪ Or maybe at
The health food stand ♪
♪ They don't know
That I'm your man ♪
-♪ Say what ♪
-♪ Wonderful ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ A wonderful lady ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Such a wonderful
Eh, ooh, baby ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ So divine ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Eh, eh, yeah ♪
-♪ Such a wonderful ♪
-♪ A wonderful, ah ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Such a wonderful feeling ♪
-♪ Such a wonderful ♪
-♪ I said a wonderful feeling ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ A wonderful lady ♪
-♪ Such a wonderful ♪
-♪ Eh, eh, yeah ♪
♪ Such a wonderful
Such a wonderful lady ♪
-♪ Such a wonderful ♪
-♪ A wonderful feeling ♪
-♪ Such a wonderful ♪
-♪ I said, a wonderful ♪
♪ You got the key ♪
♪ Wonderful, wonderful ♪
♪ Such a wonderful
I said a wonderful lady ♪
♪ Come on, wonderful ♪
♪ A wonderful lady ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Drive me crazy ♪
-♪ Such a wonderful ♪
-♪ Eh, eh, yeah ♪
♪ I said that, babe
You got the key ♪
♪ Wonderful ♪
-♪ Eh, yeah, yeah ♪
-♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Such a wonderful
Such a wonderful ♪
-♪ So divine ♪
-♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Babe, you're on my mind ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Baby mine ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Yeah, baby ♪
(ALL SINGING)
♪ It is just like fire ♪
♪ Shut up in my bones
Come on ♪
♪ It is just like fire
Come on ♪
♪ Shut up in my bones ♪
♪ I said it's just like fire ♪
♪ Shut up in my bones ♪
♪ I said it's just like fire ♪
♪ Shut up in my bones ♪
♪ I'm gonna tell the gang ♪
♪ Gonna tell the gang ♪
♪ I tell the police ♪
♪ Tell the police ♪
♪ Tell everybody ♪
♪ Tell everybody ♪
-♪ You got to move ♪
-♪ You got to move ♪
♪ You got to move ♪
♪You got to move ♪
-♪ You got to move ♪
-♪ You got to move ♪
-♪ I don't know about you ♪
-♪ You got to move ♪
-♪ I got to move ♪
-♪ You got to move ♪
-♪ I feel it in my hand ♪
-♪ You got to move ♪
♪ Feet it all the way
To my feet ♪
-♪ You got to move ♪
-♪ Stomping the floor ♪
-♪ Don't mind ♪
-♪ You got to move ♪
♪ The woman may return to me ♪
♪ Eh, ah, ah
I just wanna share it ♪
♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
♪ Wanna hold your hand ♪
-♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
-♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
-♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
-♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
-♪ You know you're pretty good ♪
-♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
-♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
-♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
♪ Don't ya being good ♪
♪ Don't ya being good ♪
-♪ The woman really good ♪
-♪ The woman really ♪
♪ The woman really
The woman really good ♪
♪ The woman really good
Eh, eh, eh ♪
♪ She's drunk ♪
♪ Lets go home ♪
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
Hey, I'd like to thank
our guests, Jenifer Lewis
and my special musical guests.
We're gonna be seein'
a lot more of them,
they're gonna be performin'
together, so watch out!
Yo, Flash, take us
out of here, all right?
♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
ANNOUNCER: From New York City,
it's The Chris Rock Show!
Tonight, actress Jenifer Lewis,
and musical guests D'Angelo,
Raphael Saadiq,
Ali Shaheed Muhammad,
and Questlove.
Plus, musical director
Grandmaster Flash.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock!
-(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
-(RECORD SCRATCHING)
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
All right. Okay.
Yeah, what's up, y'all? Welcome.
Welcome to The Chris Rock Show!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)
Welcome to The Chris Rock Show!
Special--
This is a Valentine's Day.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Valentine's Day,
everybody's celebratin'
Valentine's Day.
It's a day for everybody, right?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Valentine's Day is nice.
You know,
Valentine's Day is a woman day.
Don't got nothin'
to do with a man.
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
I don't want no flowers,
I don't want no candy.
-That's all about y'all.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You go in the card shop today,
you ain't see no women
in the line.
It's a bunch of tired ass men...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-...you know?
You know, go in the card shop,
go into any store,
just a bunch of men.
We don't even know
what y'all want.
You know, we just
ask the sales lady,
"Uh, what you like?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
That's all it is.
What's the big news this week?
Michael Jackson--
Michael Jackson had a baby.
-(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
-Michael Jackson had a baby.
A baby boy.
Yes, I'm not making this up.
Michael Jackson had a baby boy.
And actually, the baby came out
a little early,
'cause the baby is just
like his daddy, you know,
last place he wanted to be
was inside a woman.
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
This week, O.J.-- Anybody see
the cover of the New York Post?
O.J., you know, they asked him,
you know,
he's gotta pay
all this money now.
So O.J. said,
"This is far from over!
This is far from over!"
What is he saying?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-What is he saying?
What?
He gonna kill Fred Goldman next?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
"I'm gonna get you, Goldman!
You're a dead man!"
Last week,
my man Oliver McCall...
What's this? Oliver McCall...
broke down and started cryin'
during a boxing match.
Just broke down,
just started cryin'.
He was fighting Lennox Lewis,
he started cryin',
they said, "What's wrong?"
He said,
"I thought it was Jerry Lewis."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
Uh, speakin' of that,
Faye Resnick!
Faye Resnick, you know,
speakin' of O.J. earlier,
is gettin' ready--
actually, right now,
on the stands, Faye Resnick
is nude in Playboy magazine.
Nude in Playboy magazine.
You know, I always say,
if you want credibility,
and you want people to listen
to what you got to say,
show your ass.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Show your ass.
Uh, what happened the other day?
Snoop Dogg and Puffy
appeared on
The Steve Harvey Show
to mend the rift between
the East Coast
and the West Coast rappers.
That was kinda cool.
-(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
-That was cool.
You know, they did it,
they mended the rift.
Now they just need somebody
to mend the rift
between TV viewers
and The Steve Harvey Show.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
No, no, I mean,
I don't wanna dis Steve Harvey.
I like Steve Harvey.
I watch the Apollo every week.
But if you're gonna announce
something important,
why would you announce it
on the WB?
-Nobody watches the WB!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
You could announce
the cure for AIDS on the WB,
and nobody would find out
for a week.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
Now, as you all know,
today is Valentine's Day.
It's a day when people
think about love and romance.
That's why they got
all these books out
about relationships.
And right now, one of
the best-selling books
about relationships
is... (CHUCKLES) ...The Rules.
Everybody knows about The Rules.
-(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
-That's right.
Y'all following
your rules, right?
It's about how to get a man
to marry her. That's right.
How do women get a man
to marry her?
With tips like,
"Don't accept a Saturday night
date after Wednesday."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm gonna call you
on Friday mornin'.
That's right. So now, of course,
you knew they would come out
with a male version
of The Rules.
They have a male version,
and it's right here.
It's called Ike Turner's Rules.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
And Ike Turner's Rules
has great rules, like,
"Rule number 1, shut up."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
"Rule number 2,
I said, shut up!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
"Rule number 3,
no more than two feet
in the ass at one time."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
And "Rule number 4,
I told you, shut the fuck up!"
(AUDIENCE CLAPS, CHEERS)
I want to thank everybody
for comin' out,
I want you to thank
my DJ, my pal,
the original hip-hop
DJ himself, Grandmaster Flex!
-(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
-(RECORD SCRATCHING)
♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Now, I remember
when I went to school,
the best way to learn something
was by watching one of
those old film strips.
Now, with this in mind,
I thought it would be cool
to make up one of
those film strips about
an adult topic, something we all
could relate to today, romance.
So, lights, please?
Someone, help me out?
(WHIRRING)
(STATIC CRACKLING)
-(BEEPING)
-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(BEEPING)
CHRIS ROCK: Hello.
-I'm Chris Rock.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Finding the right someone
is different than it used to be.
(BEEPING)
But one thing remains the same.
(BEEPING)
It still takes
a man like this...
(BEEPING)
...to get a woman like this.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(BEEPING)
Or like this. God!
(BEEPING)
Hey, what y'all doin'
after the show?
Can I get anybody a drink?
(BEEPING)
But I digress.
(BEEPING)
The first date
is very important.
The best advice
is to be yourself, unless...
(BEEPING)
...your name is Michael Irvin.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(BEEPING)
CHRIS: Ladies,
always give your date
your full
and undivided attention.
Make that man feel special!
(BEEPING)
Hey, what you doin', girl?
-Get your hands off his ass!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(BEEPING)
CHRIS: Having shared interests
is crucial to a budding romance.
(BEEPING)
These two kooky kids
appear to have
-a long future ahead of them.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
(BEEPING)
CHRIS:
Meeting a new person's parents
is a very important test.
(BEEPING)
This young man appears
to have passed
with flying colors.
(BEEPING)
Hey, you're breaking my knees!
-Get off of me, you old freak!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
(BEEPS)
Guess what? I never read
any of these books.
(BEEPING)
When it comes
to remaining faithful,
people fall into two categories.
(BEEPING)
Men who cheat...
(BEEPING)
...and men who
get caught cheating.
-(BEEPING)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
CHRIS:
Don't rush into a relationship.
It's important to know
everything about someone
before you get too involved.
(BEEPING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
CHRIS: Sometimes relationships
just don't work out.
(BEEPING)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(BEEPING)
CHRIS:
If you're involved in a breakup,
don't be depressed.
The best thing you can do
is get right back up
on the horse.
-(BEEPING)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
CHRIS:
Give the new relationship time.
(BEEPING)
Don't expect it to be
like the love you've lost.
(BEEPING)
And if it doesn't work out,
don't be discouraged.
(BEEPING)
There's still plenty
of fish in the sea.
-(BEEPING)
-(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
I want to thank Lil' Kim
for doin' that.
Now our first guest
has appeared on stage, screen,
and film, and you may know her
from her amazing performances
in The Preacher's Wife,
and
What's Love Got to Do with It?
Please welcome the diva,
Miss Jenifer Lewis! Come on.
-(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(INAUDIBLE)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER)
-Hey, little bit!
-(LAUGHS)
How you doin'?
Look at that suit,
you're so cute.
Ain't he cute?
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
Yeah.
-Thank you, Jenifer.
-Thank you, baby.
Oh, my God. So anything--
How you gonna spend
this Valentine's Day, Jenifer?
Mmm... Well, I got a little...
chocolate in here, and...
Wow.
Got some special things for you.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)
-Wow.
-We'll just ask the audience.
Should I put them on,
or should I put them on him?
-ALL: On him!
-That's right.
(LAUGHS) Stand up.
-No! That's all right.
-You're not gonna do it?
No, 'cause I gotta do
a whole show--
All right, well, wait a minute.
You know,
when I do get arrested later,
the police are gonna
have to take those off...
-Now wait a minute-- (LAUGHS)
-...to put the real ones on me.
Now that's funny.
Now wait a minute,
hold on a second. Hold on.
This is turning me on,
hold on.
-Oh, it's Valentine's Day!
-CHRIS: Yes,
-it's Valentine's Day.
-I said I'd be provocative.
-Really?
-I just wanted to do that.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)
Get it? Where's the camera?
Which camera's on?
-Oh, that camera.
-Okay, wait a minute, hold it.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
Fabulous pose.
-(LAUGHS)
-All right, enough of that.
You know I ain't never
been in no handcuffs.
Really?
You won't get no man
to hold me down.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
-(LAUGHS)
-It's Valentine's Day!
-That's right, baby.
Oh, yeah, I got 'em
this Valentine's Day.
All right, all right.
Everybody say that,
Valentine's Day.
ALL: Valentine's Day!
JENIFER: Oh, I like-- she did it
just the way I did it!
-She went, "Valentine..."
-(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS)
So, what are you doin'
this Valentine's Day?
Well, I'm doin' your show, baby.
And then I gotta--
CHRIS: What's after the show?
-You want the truth--
-CHRIS: I want some truth.
What's really going on?
-Well, I'm--
-Do you got a man?
Well, I'm...
just flying back to L.A.
to meet somebody
that I just met.
-CHRIS: Anybody I know?
-Mmm, nasty.
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's nobody you know,
but I gotta tell you,
I met him at the...
premiere
of Eddie Murphy's Metro.
-CHRIS: Okay.
-And he was so gorgeous,
I was like, oh, my God,
he's got to be gay.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-He's too gorgeous.
-But he wasn't.
-You just said that I was cute,
-what does that mean?
-(LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
-It's because I know you--
-I'm cute,
-but not gay cute.
-Yeah! (LAUGHS)
Because I know your wife,
and I know you.
-Okay.
-And now I know him.
No, I really, I didn't know--
you know, we were talkin',
and I was like, oh,
he's just a fan or whatever.
Then he gave me
the nasty eye.
CHRIS: Wait, what's...
-The nasty eye?
-You know what
-the nasty eye is.
-I know what the nasty eye is.
The nasty eye is when
a guy looks at you
and he really wants you.
You know he wants you.
Or he wants to talk further.
Okay,
I try to hide the nasty eye.
I got, like, the nasty eye,
then I got
that mumble under my breath.
I'm lookin' at you, going,
"Boy, I can't wait
to get a hold of this..."
-(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
-(LAUGHS)
"Boy..." (CHUCKLES)
-"Boy..." (LAUGHS)
-(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
Just talkin' to yourself. "Boy,
look at the ass on that one."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
"Boy, I hope she's a whore--
-Hey!"
-(LAUGHS)
-"You like your soup?"
-Oh, God!
Oh, God. We do the same thing,
women do the same thing.
We be like, "Oh...
-Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Hi, how are you?"
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(LAUGHS)
-Same thing.
-So, how--
Okay, you met him at Metro,
so this is a couple of months.
Yeah, it's fresh and new,
and I haven't slept
with him yet, but I'm gonna.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
(LAUGHS)
Not yet?
Oh, no, because you know
you gotta wait,
you gotta really get to know
somebody now, you know and...
you know, I'm all special,
and...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...soft, and rich...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
...and-- Nah, just kiddin'!
There's another line. And cheap.
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
So how long should a guy wait?
A guy or a girl?
How long should
a girl wait, I'm sorry.
Well, I think you should
just wait until you really know
the person, because, I mean,
after all that sweatin'
and pantin'
and all of that thing
that you do when we do,
then what?
It's like, you roll over and go,
"Oh, what in God's name
can I say to this person?"
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-So you don't want that.
You want to be able to, like,
you know, turn over and go...
Hi...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(LAUGHS)
See that's where women
have their most power, too.
Before you do it.
-I don't--
-Right before, like, that moment
right before you do it.
After it, then it's like, hey.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(LAUGHS)
Hey...
No, even if...
To that moment, it's like,
you know that, like,
"I'm gonna get it tomorrow,"
right?
Then you can get them
to do anything?
After you do it, you know.
"I need you to go
pick up somethin'."
-"Then what?"
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"And I don't get somethin'?"
"You got somethin' new?"
-You know, I think...
-Now...
No, you know women, I mean,
we're powerful all the time.
But you guys
are real powerful, too.
I have to give it up,
you know.
Y'all, y'all, y'all--
But, you know, right after,
you all are like...
-Anyway, you know, so...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
-What, what--
-No, really!
Oh, Grandmaster said, hey!
-Well, excuse me, Grandmaster.
-(LAUGHS)
Oh, right after doin'
it with you, yeah--
Oh, now, now, come on, now--
That'll put the average guy out,
I would imagine.
-I'm a virgin like Madonna.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Remember that song,
remember, she came out...
♪ Like a virgin, hoo ♪
I was like,
"Miss Thing, please."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(LAUGHS)
So, what do you prefer,
Black or white men?
Uh, let's put it like this.
White men are nice,
Black men are real nice.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-(LAUGHS)
-Woo! Mercy, mercy, mercy.
-(LAUGHS)
-Oh, yeah.
-Real nice.
Yeah.
I was goin' out with
this white boy, you know,
and I don't know, somethin' must
have happened
in his childhood...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...and he got all confused,
and he thought, like, you know,
the world owed him something,
I said, "Maybe the world owes
you something, but I don't."
So I couldn't take care of him,
I couldn't take him
back to my hometown
and say, "Look,"
look at my aunts and go,
"Look, I'm supporting a man,
-and by the way--"
-You supported a white man?
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-That's what I'm sayin'!
-What the hell!
That's what I'm sayin'!
That's what she would've said!
-What kinda--
-A white man?
That's the ultimate insult
to the ancestors.
If you're gonna get a white man,
-don't get a broke one.
-That's what I'm sayin'!
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
-There's plenty of 'em.
-That's what I'm sayin'!
You are a fool.
-Why?
-You are a fool.
All the white men out there...
You are a fool.
You give Bill Gates some
and get on with your business.
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
No, but I'm through.
The one I just met's Black,
and that's nice.
That's nice. Well I want
to thank you for coming out.
Yeah, is that all?
Do I get some sugar?
You get whatever you want.
-Oh, now, now.
-(AUDIENCE AWING, CLAPPING)
-It's Valentine's Day.
-(LAUGHS)
Yeah, thank you, baby.
-Thank you.
-Where's your wife?
-She's over there.
-All right, girl.
I ain't gonna
go no further, girl.
ANNOUNCER: The Chris Rock Show
is brought to you
by The Harlem Law Offices
of Pervis, Pervis, and Platt.
Pervis, Pervis, and Platt
has been serving
the Harlem community since 1829.
Pervis, Pervis, and Platt
is a fully functional,
round the clock law firm,
dedicated to meeting
all the needs
of the community it serves.
And that's why
at Pervis, Pervis, and Platt
not only do we practice law,
but we also braid hair.
-That's right.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
We practice law, we braid hair.
And we've been there
for all the landmark decisions.
Plessy versus Ferguson.
Brown versus
Board of Education.
Ali versus Frazier.
CLIENT 1:
I just got hit by a bus!
ANNOUNCER:
Call Pervis and Platt.
CLIENT 2: I'm tender headed.
ANNOUNCER:
Call Pervis and Platt.
Not only does Pervis and Platt
practice law and braid hair,
now Pervis and Platt does nails.
-Call Pervis and Platt now.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
Thank you!
Okay.
Traditionally
on Valentine's Day,
we do something
special and something nice
for that someone in our lives.
But this year, I thought I'd do
somethin' a little different.
I thought I'd show
my appreciation...
(INHALES SHARPLY) ...by doing
something special
for all the someone's
who have been in my life.
So I got some gifts,
went out and surprised
some of my ex-girlfriends.
Let's see what happened.
♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-CHRIS: Hi, Kim.
-Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-KIM: You're kidding me.
-CHRIS: I'm not!
KIM: What are you doing here?
CHRIS: I'm apologizing
for being such an asshole.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Candy...
-for you.
-This cute.
Flowers...
And pig feet.
-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Thanks a lot, Chris.
-Hello?
-(HOPE SCREAMS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Oh, sh...
-(LAUGHS)
My gosh!
-Chris! (LAUGHS) Damn!
-(LAUGHS)
-Oh, my God.
-How you doin', Hope?
-How you doin'?
-I'm all right.
I got some stuff for you.
-I got flowers...
-Oh, my gosh.
I got, um, candy.
(LAUGHS)
I got more candy...
-Why are you doin' this?
-...I got pig feet.
Pig feet?
Chris, why you doin' this?
♪ We unite... ♪
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
-Hi, Steph!
-(GASPS) Oh, shit!
(GIGGLES) Hi, Chris,
how are you?
Chris is different from
the guys that I usually
am attracted to.
He's... he's a good guy,
He's a good guy.
He's a nice guy.
He lied to me.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-And...
I felt totally betrayed,
I felt like...
he deceived me.
So I found this used condom
in the front seat of the car,
and I picked it up,
and I'm like,
"What is this?" Of course,
knowing it is what it was,
and he said,
"Oh, it was my brother's."
For some reason
I don't attract nice guys.
You had a boyfriend
that was shot seven times,
and you still wouldn't go
out with me?
(CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
I'd rather almost die...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...than give you a shot.
Where's my heart?
Where's my valentine?
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-Where's your heart?
Where's your valentine? Okay.
INTERVIEWER: What's the nicest
gift he ever gave you?
Um, a diamond bracelet.
INTERVIEWER: What's the worst
gift he ever got you?
Underwear?
INTERVIEWER:
What, was it sexy underwear?
-That was the problem?
-Yes.
What kind of underwear was it?
Okay... (CHUCKLES)
...you know, like, grandma?
-The big...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...bloomers.
INTERVIEWER: What was the worst
gift he ever got you?
I think he bought me
some underwear.
INTERVIEWER: What was the worst
gift he ever got you?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
-Um...
A pair of underwear.
(CHUCKLES)
INTERVIEWER:
Were you faithful to Chris?
Yes, I was.
But you had a baby
while we were dating.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
I'm just sayin', you know.
Next thing, you know,
and she was pregnant,
and she wouldn't even
say anything.
It was weird, it was like
this thing we pretended
like it wasn't there.
And the stomach
was just bigger--
HOPE:
Always had love for you, babe.
-It was, like, weird.
-Always had love for you.
And people would go,
"Hey, congratulations!"
And I'm like, "Yeah..."
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Do you know
that Justin said to me,
-"Mommy, why'd you marry daddy?"
-(LAUGHS)
"Our father could've been
Chris Rock!"
I told Chris what
you said to me the other day.
-What?
-That's Chris Rock?
About why'd I marry daddy.
Hey, how's it goin', Darryl?
-Oh, my God. (LAUGHS)
-(KIM LAUGHS)
Christopher, what's up, brother?
Oh, man, this is so great
that you invited me
into the family.
I feel great.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)
Hey, all right.
So, fellas, do you see?
It doesn't take much
to make a woman feel good,
just the old standby, flowers
and candy. Right, girls?
ALL: Yes.
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
Here to do a special
Valentine's Day performance
-is D'Angelo, Raphael Saadiq...
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)
...Ali Shaheed Muhammad,
and Questlove!
Come on!
♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(BOTH SINGING)
♪ You know tonight ♪
♪ He is your knight ♪
♪ We do it all ♪
♪ Hope I can rely ♪
♪ I'm gon' bring it to you ♪
♪ Bring my sweet love ♪
♪ And bring it all home to you ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
All right,
y'all ready to get down?
One, two, three.
♪ ("LADY" BY D'ANGELO PLAYING) ♪
-(SINGING) ♪ Don't think
I don't see them looking at ya ♪
-♪ Come on ♪
♪ All of them wishing
They could have ya ♪
♪ And as a matter of fact, uh ♪
♪ A bunch of them are itchin'
For you to scratch them ♪
♪ I'm tired of hiding
What we feel ♪
♪ I'm trying to come
With the real ♪
♪ And I'm-a gonna
Make it known ♪
♪ 'Cause I want them to know ♪
♪ Baby, baby ♪
-♪ You're my little baby ♪
-♪ Baby ♪
-♪ You're my darling baby ♪
-♪ Baby ♪
♪ I swear you're the talk
Of the town ♪
♪ And everybody wants
To know what's going down ♪
♪ Babe
I know they've seen us before ♪
♪ Maybe at the liquor store ♪
♪ Maybe at the liquor store ♪
♪ Or maybe at
The health food stand ♪
♪ They don't know
That I'm your man ♪
-♪ Say what ♪
-♪ Wonderful ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ A wonderful lady ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Such a wonderful
Eh, ooh, baby ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ So divine ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Eh, eh, yeah ♪
-♪ Such a wonderful ♪
-♪ A wonderful, ah ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Such a wonderful feeling ♪
-♪ Such a wonderful ♪
-♪ I said a wonderful feeling ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ A wonderful lady ♪
-♪ Such a wonderful ♪
-♪ Eh, eh, yeah ♪
♪ Such a wonderful
Such a wonderful lady ♪
-♪ Such a wonderful ♪
-♪ A wonderful feeling ♪
-♪ Such a wonderful ♪
-♪ I said, a wonderful ♪
♪ You got the key ♪
♪ Wonderful, wonderful ♪
♪ Such a wonderful
I said a wonderful lady ♪
♪ Come on, wonderful ♪
♪ A wonderful lady ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Drive me crazy ♪
-♪ Such a wonderful ♪
-♪ Eh, eh, yeah ♪
♪ I said that, babe
You got the key ♪
♪ Wonderful ♪
-♪ Eh, yeah, yeah ♪
-♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Such a wonderful
Such a wonderful ♪
-♪ So divine ♪
-♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Babe, you're on my mind ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Baby mine ♪
♪ Such a wonderful ♪
♪ Yeah, baby ♪
(ALL SINGING)
♪ It is just like fire ♪
♪ Shut up in my bones
Come on ♪
♪ It is just like fire
Come on ♪
♪ Shut up in my bones ♪
♪ I said it's just like fire ♪
♪ Shut up in my bones ♪
♪ I said it's just like fire ♪
♪ Shut up in my bones ♪
♪ I'm gonna tell the gang ♪
♪ Gonna tell the gang ♪
♪ I tell the police ♪
♪ Tell the police ♪
♪ Tell everybody ♪
♪ Tell everybody ♪
-♪ You got to move ♪
-♪ You got to move ♪
♪ You got to move ♪
♪You got to move ♪
-♪ You got to move ♪
-♪ You got to move ♪
-♪ I don't know about you ♪
-♪ You got to move ♪
-♪ I got to move ♪
-♪ You got to move ♪
-♪ I feel it in my hand ♪
-♪ You got to move ♪
♪ Feet it all the way
To my feet ♪
-♪ You got to move ♪
-♪ Stomping the floor ♪
-♪ Don't mind ♪
-♪ You got to move ♪
♪ The woman may return to me ♪
♪ Eh, ah, ah
I just wanna share it ♪
♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
♪ Wanna hold your hand ♪
-♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
-♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
-♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
-♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
-♪ You know you're pretty good ♪
-♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
-♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
-♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
♪ I just wanna hold your hand ♪
♪ Don't ya being good ♪
♪ Don't ya being good ♪
-♪ The woman really good ♪
-♪ The woman really ♪
♪ The woman really
The woman really good ♪
♪ The woman really good
Eh, eh, eh ♪
♪ She's drunk ♪
♪ Lets go home ♪
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, CHEERING)
Hey, I'd like to thank
our guests, Jenifer Lewis
and my special musical guests.
We're gonna be seein'
a lot more of them,
they're gonna be performin'
together, so watch out!
Yo, Flash, take us
out of here, all right?
♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪