The Chris Rock Show (1997–2000): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
Hi, I know a lot of you must be
just tuning in and thinking,
shit, I missed
the “Def Comedy Jam”.
But don't worry, I've got
highlights of tonight's show.
And here to give me
a hand is my tag team partner,
Mr. Stuart Scott
from ESPN Sports Center.
Thanks a lot, Chris.
There was plenty of action
on the boards tonight,
so let's get right to it.
Def started the night
with the traditional
pre-show prayer.
Let's all give God
a round of applause, y'all,
-you know what I'm saying?
-(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)
For making it possible
for us to be
up in this motherfucker today.
All right,
can I get a hallelujah
from the choir on that one?
A motherfuckin' hallelujah.
I mean, where are the refs at?
They used to call that.
I think,
he should have known better
than to mix prayer
and profanity.
That youngster should just
concentrate on the fundamentals.
You know, they work
on that in spring training.
Now, Def got off to a fast start
with a gentleman who goes
by the name of Talent,
discussing
his favorite strip club.
-I go to the booty shit.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
The grimy shit.
Niggas know who make
the most money?
The bitch
with the most stretch marks.
-Big Bertha bitch.
-(LAUGHS)
They get
a little Heineken bottle.
- ♪ (IMITATES MUSIC) ♪
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-♪ (IMITATES MUSIC) ♪
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
CHRIS ROCK: Let's have a look
at that on replay.
STUART SCOTT: Uh-huh. See, see.
That's why
this kid's name is Talent.
I mean, look at those moves.
I think, yup, we can classify
that as the mojo.
-Talent is definitely as cool...
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
...as the other side
of the pillow.
Next up to the plate
is a youngster
with phat potential, Will.
They're expecting much flavor
from this kid.
He's got some keen observations
on the ongoing battle
of the sexes.
-Titty fucking.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Let me show you y'all
what I'm talking about.
Titty fucking, you know when
they put their dick right here.
CHRIS: Now, right here we have
the female breasts.
And here is the male genitalia.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
CHRIS: The female breasts
presses against the shaft,
-causing an explosion of sperm.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, LAUGHING)
CHRIS: You know, my uncle loss
an eye like that.
Now all hell is breaking loose.
The force of the sperm knocks
his hat clean off his head.
The sperm is now being applied
to his hair.
It got babies in it.
CHRIS: This man
is the next Bill Cosby.
Boo-yeah. I wish I had a nickel
for every time
that's happened to me.
It's always a thrill to watch
a man explore his feminine side.
Now, the show appeared
unstoppable as a cagey veteran
Bill Hill delivered
some provocative thoughts
on air safety.
Motherfuckin' planes
getting blown up.
Y'all see that shit?
When we find the black box,
the black box gon' let us know
what we need to know
about what happened.
I think that maybe we should
start making the planes
out of the shit we make
the black box with.
What the fuck is going on?
Don't be bullshitting
with me, Ms. Media.
Don't bullshit with me, media.
Whoa, whoa, flag on the play.
-What's the call?
-Looks like hacking.
This premise and punch line
was clearly stated
by Dana Carvey
five years ago
on Saturday Night Live.
It's the only thing
that survives a crash.
Why don't they build
the whole plane
out of the black box?
Whoo! That could have been
a show buster.
But Big Mo
was on Def's side tonight
as Hill stormed back
to close strong.
It ain't nothing like smoking
a blunt with your girl
in the bed butt naked
with a big ass bowl
of Froot Loops on the floor
with five ice cubes
in the Froot Loops, nigga!
Ain't nothing like that shit.
Can I get a amen
from the congregation?
That boy is no stranger
to a good time.
He sure is living large.
in bed with a woman, a blunt,
Froot Loops and ice cubes.
Our side-line reporter,
John Haymin has more.
Chris, as you can see,
I followed the instructions
to a T.
I've got my blunt, a lovely lady
and... my Froot Loops.
But to tell you the truth,
it's not very exciting.
John, you forgot the ice cubes.
Geez, you know, I'd lose my head
if it wasn't screwed on.
Of course, the ice cubes.
Mm. Now, this is the bomb.
Can I get a witness?
Well, get one with a car, Stu,
because we're out of time.
In the words of Russell Simmons,
"God bless, good night."
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
ANNOUNCER: From New York City,
it's The Chris Rock Show.
Tonight, Saturday Night Live's
Tracy Morgan.
Musical guest, Erykah Badu.
Plus musical director,
Grandmaster Flash.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock.
-(CHEER, APPLAUD)
-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
All right.
Hey.
So...
So...
So, y'all been watching
the show?
AUDIENCE: Oh, yeah.
-All right. On legal cable?
-AUDIENCE: No!
Yeah, you got to get
that legal cable.
You know, for those
with illegal cable, fuck you.
Matter of fact, I'm gonna
walk off right now.
(STAMMERS) Okay, here we are.
What's going on
with New York, Brooklyn?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
I'm from Brooklyn,
and it's nuts.
Man, a security guard
at a Brooklyn high school
this week was fired because
he was a member of the gang,
The Latin Kings.
Security guard.
He's the security guard.
Protecting us from the gangs.
He in the gang.
What kind of shit is this?
Now, he got another job
at another high school.
Now he's
a drive-by ed instructor.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
He's in a gang.
In the motherfucking gang.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
-Put him in government.
What's the big thing now?
New York cops are going
to start
using hollow point bullets.
Hollow point bullets.
You know, they say
they're a kinder bullet.
It's a kinder, gentler bullet,
you know.
It just taps you, you dead.
You shoot somebody.
Oh, that was nice.
A lot of people are mad
over this whole, you know...
hollow bullet thing.
People are mad.
How dare they?
How dare
they use hollow point bullets?
The fuck do they think
they're doing
using hollow up point bullets?
Hey!
If you're worried
about what kind of bullets
the cops are using.
Chances are you're doing
some shit
you ain't supposed to be doing.
(CHEERS, APPLAUDS)
Keep going.
What else is going on?
A theater in Jersey,
a theater in Jersey, I saw this,
is getting death threats
and ticket cancellations
because a black man is playing
the part of Jesus in--
(STAMMERS)
A black man playing Jesus.
They're getting death threats
from church people.
From church people.
What kind of shit?
I thought you Christian,
you know.
What kind of Christian going
to give death threats
over some shit like that?
That's like,
love thy neighbor,
but get that nigga off stage.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
What else, what else?
Yesterday ABC announced...
ABC announced that KD Lang
and Melissa Etheridge
will star on Ellen this week
when she announces
that she's gay.
That's right, they got
a big gay show this week.
Hey, I'm gonna watch.
I'm gonna be there.
You never know,
something freaky might jump off.
But in a counter move,
just to compete with them
on Seinfeld this week,
Kramer is going
to fuck George in the ass.
(APPLAUD)
We got a great show
for you tonight.
We have a very funny comedian,
Tracy Morgan's here.
-We got...
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-We got Erykah Badu.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-And we got Grandmaster Flash.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-But first...
But first I want you
to take a look at this.
NARRATOR:
You've tried the patch.
You've tried the gum.
Well, now
there's a smoking replacement
that will help you
to quit for good.
Siggorette brand quitting aid
will make sure
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NARRATOR: Siggorette has
the perfect amount of nicotine
to satisfy your daily need
without smoking.
And they're easy to use.
Each capsule is filled
with dried tobacco leaves
which provide the exact
same amount of nicotine
that you get from smoking.
A filter at the end
ensures a smooth taste.
All you have to do
is light the end
and inhale
the nicotine rich fumes.
And when it's finished,
just put it out.
It's that easy.
Siggorette
is like a dream come true.
Every time I have
the desire to smoke,
I just light one of these,
use it,
and the desire goes away.
It's like magic.
All it takes is ten or 20
of these a day.
I haven't smoked in six months.
And I feel great.
NARRATOR: So throw
those nasty things away
once and for all.
Siggorette will see
that you never smoke again.
Siggorette is also now available
in crushproof 20 packs.
Buy a carton,
get a free Zippo lighter.
(AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD)
How's it going?
Hey, Siggorettes.
Now, our guest tonight
is a New York comedian
who has appeared on Martin,
Showtime at the Apollo,
the Def Comedy Jam,
and you can currently watch him
every week
on Saturday Night Live.
Please give it up
for Tracy Morgan. Come on.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
All right! Tracy!
Brother, AKA Hustle Man.
-No doubt.
-Hustle Man from Martin.
See, that's what the people
know you from.
So you're the new black guy
on Saturday Night Live.
Yeah. The new black dude.
-'Cause I was there for a while.
-Mm-hmm.
I was there, and Eddie
was there, and Damon was there,
and Garrett Morris
was there.
-Do they actually do--
-You forgot my cousin Bobby.
-He was there, too.
-Tim Meadows was there.
He was security,
but he was there.
-(LAUGHS)
-Bobby worked there.
Bobby worked there
for a little bit.
But when shit was missing,
they, you know.
-Hey, hey, you know.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So now you're on SNL.
You're SNL.
I remember when I was there,
it was like, this rule,
you going to play
every black guy we got.
-Everybody but Pearl Bailey.
-(LAUGHS)
-Yeah.
-And if it's a rough week
you going
to play Pearl Bailey, too.
What was the first thing
you had to do?
Anything they wanted you to do
that you didn't want to do?
They wanted me
to do black Jesus first.
-(CHRIS LAUGHING)
-They wanted me to do it...
They wanted you
to play black Jesus.
-But I gave it to that kid.
-Oh, okay,
I passed the part
on over to him.
I just wanna make money,
that's all. (LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-I don't want them to leave me
out of nothing.
(LAUGHS)
But now he getting all
the press, I want to play God.
-No, I'm just...
-(LAUGHS)
So, okay, you're there,
you do that.
You didn't play black Jesus.
What was the worst thing
they had you do so far?
-Get butt naked.
-You was butt naked there?
That was the first skit I did.
The first skit, it was like,
welcome to Saturday Night Live,
take your clothes off.
What did you have to do
in the sketch?
Did they have a joke for you
-or were you just naked?
-Yeah,
-that was the joke.
-You was like in the office.
I mean, let's get it.
I'm not no hunk.
I have stretch marks
and everything there.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-(LAUGHS)
I mean, I took my shirt off,
the whole crew got sick,
you know. (LAUGHS)
I could clear
this whole room out.
Want to see it?
-Clear it out.
-That's all right.
-We got more show to go.
-Mm.
Naked man next week.
I got stretch marks for days,
baby. (LAUGHS)
-What, you had kids?
-(LAUGHS)
You got-- "I got stretch marks
for days."
(LAUGHS)
-"Right around here."
-(LAUGHS)
Now, when did you first
start doing comedy?
-Well, how did you start?
-About five years ago.
Professionally,
I was broke, out of a job.
(LAUGHS) So you're
a professional broke guy.
TRACY MORGAN: I got real funny,
you know.
So broke made you funny.
You didn't watch comedy tapes?
You said, you know,
"I'm so broke."
"Comedy. That's what
I should be doing." Comedy.
I was broke.
Not having no money make
your sense of humor grow.
CHRIS: Oh, man.
I'm walking past
the comedy club,
and I heard them
doing jokes.
So I said, I'm pretty funny,
and plus, I'm broke so...
I went up in the piece,
and I was, like,
could I get on stage?
And the lady was sitting there
taking-- Ms. Brown.
How you doing, Ms. Brown?
-Ms. Brown.
-CHRIS: Yeah, she watching.
She makes some good chicken,
too...
-CHRIS: That's good.
-...and potato salad.
-So, this is a nice comedy club.
-Yeah, it was a family thing.
-(LAUGHS)
-It was up in Harlem, you know
-they got food up there.
-Okay, okay.
And, so...
I went in there,
and I said can I get on stage?
And she said, nah.
I was about to walk out
and one of the bouncers
was like, "Yo, hold up,
you funny?"
And I was like, yeah.
So he said come back
to the workshop Wednesday.
And then like, four months later
I was on TV.
-CHRIS: Wow!
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Thank you.
Now, you know, I was on
Saturday Night Live.
And I watched
Saturday Light Live
all the time. They never give
you enough to do, man.
Never give you enough to do.
I mean, you should
have your own character.
You need your own character.
The only way to get a lot of pub
on Saturday Night Live
is have your own character
like Wayne's World,
or Church Lady, a Gumby.
Something they can do every week
and make a movie out of.
-Yeah. I agree.
-So, you know what?
Here on the Chris Rock Show,
we're going to give you
-your own character.
-All right. (LAUGHS)
We're going to give you
your own character.
Something for you to do,
something for you
to make your mark.
And it's called the loud,
but wrong guy.
-(LAUGHS)
-It's the loud but wrong guy.
Let me explain this to you.
Now, you're always wrong,
but you're so loud
you win the argument.
-(TRACY LAUGHING) All right.
-You think you can do that?
-Yeah, yeah.
-Okay, let's give it a shot.
Okay. Loud but wrong guy,
here we go.
Here's my point!
Ketchup is mustard.
They the same thing.
It's just red fucking ketchup.
People say, why you
putting ketchup on your hot dog?
I be like, fuck you.
It's the same fucking thing.
-Ketchup is mustard.
-What are you talking about?
That's ridiculous.
What's ridiculous is how
they conned you into believing
that ketchup ain't mustard.
That's ridiculous.
But it's
the same fucking thing!
What are you talking about,
you freak?
Whoa.
Look, you go
to the supermarket.
Where they at?
In the same aisle.
The same fucking thing.
-You know why?
-CHRIS: Why?
'Cause I know
that ketchup is mustard.
It's the same thing!
All right, all right,
you win the argument.
Thank you.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Tracy Morgan.
(AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD)
The ketchup...
The ketchup is mustard.
-(LAUGHS)
-The loud but wrong man.
All right, now in recent months,
share this with me--
In recent months,
I've been having a lot
happen in my life.
I got married,
I got my own show.
But I'm still missing something.
I'm still feeling
a little hollow inside.
And I think, I know,
what it is.
I need to get in touch
with my spiritual side.
I mean, basically what needs
to happen is I need to find God
before God finds me.
So what I did is me and my crew
went out on a spiritual journey.
So take a look at this.
MAN: In that was weak
to the flesh could not save man.
God did by sending
his only begotten son.
Are there any black Jews?
There's lots of black Jews.
♪ Who can take a sunrise ♪
I am a high priestess
in the Wiccan religion.
-Also known as witchcraft.
-Also known as witchcraft.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
The Mennonites are...
Well, they're Christians,
of course, first of all.
Mennonite is an adjective
and Christian is a noun.
In other words,
we're first of all Christians.
CHRIS: Okay,
so you're like a borough...
-(LAUGHS) That's right.
-...of the city.
It's like, you're like Brooklyn.
The lack of money
is the root of all evil.
The lack-- So money's not
-the root of all evil.
-Oh, no. No, no, no.
-And you are?
-The Reverend Run.
The Reverend Run.
Of what church?
Run D.M.C.
-Okay.
-I'm from Zoey ministries.
How would
I become a swami?
First you want to practice yoga.
-(GROANS)
-Breathe, breathe, breathe.
-Is there any hazing?
-What does that mean?
They beat you up
before you go in there...
to make sure
you're swami material.
I know you're in there.
You're hiding, like I do.
I need some religion.
The American Atheists
takes position,
in the fact that religion
is an induced addiction,
and it's really
a mental disease.
Do you know how much
you can love the Lord sitting
in the back
of a Rolls Royce phantom V?
You should hear me
in the back seat there
just singing
and talking in tongues.
♪ Oh how I love Jesus ♪
So what would hell be like?
Hell is something with--
You know like when you go
into your underground here...
-Right.
-...and somebody's trying
to chase you with a knife,
that's hell, isn't it?
So hell's like the Bronx.
Hell is a soul on fire
with its own misery.
Is there a heaven?
We believe--
We call it Summerland.
-But yes, there is.
-Summerland, it's like in Miami?
(LAUGHS) No, it's not in Miami.
How many Rolls Royces
do you have?
Oh, I don't remember.
-Can you drink alcohol?
-Of course.
-They towed my Rolls Royce.
-They towed your Rolls Royce.
Phantom V, no respect.
They probably didn't know
what it was.
♪ Just making you feel about
These problems full grown ♪
♪ But nevertheless
I'm fresh with the flesh ♪
Help me! Let me in!
-Is it okay to masturbate?
-No.
-(BUZZER BUZZING)
-What about masturbation?
-All of that is sinful.
-(BUZZER BUZZING)
How does
your church view masturbation?
(BUZZER BUZZING)
Is it okay to masturbate
in this religion?
(CHUCKLES) Yes.
♪ Couldn't burn in my church
No lipping, I'm dipping ♪
♪ I'm keeping my crown ♪
Godism is just a tool
to keep a certain class
of people in business.
It's an industry.
Here's one tape album
on "how to prosper regardless
-of world conditions."
-CHRIS: Okay.
And whenever
there's a so-called recession,
I teach people, you don't have
to take part in it.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
Love of money is something
that we think often interferes
with our love for God.
Do you consider yourself
a black leader?
No. I'm a green leader.
So, some people say,
Jesus was a black man.
Would you say Jesus
was a green man?
I definitely say that
Jesus was a green man.
Oh, I'm not leaving.
I got time.
There's not much money
because the money,
which comes in,
goes back into...
-Into...
-Into me?
-Into you.
-Just show me the money.
Okay.
Swing low, sweet chariot.
Comin' for to carry me home.
Jesus is not a drag.
(REVEREND IKE LAUGHS)
♪ Sweet chariot ♪
♪ Comin' for
To carry me home ♪
REVEREND IKE: Just show me
the money. (LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS, CHEERS)
Our musical guest's debut album
"Baduizm" has reached number one
on the Billboard charts.
Here to perform
her special blend
of R&B and hip hop,
in her song, "On & On,"
please give it up
for Erykah Badu.
♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ Oh, my, my, my ♪
♪ I'm feelin' high
My money's gone ♪
♪ I'm all alone ♪
♪ Too much to see
The world keeps turnin' ♪
♪ Oh, what a day
What a day, what a day ♪
♪ Peace and blessings manifest ♪
♪ With every lesson learned ♪
♪ If your knowledge
Were your wealth ♪
♪ Then it would be well-earned ♪
♪ If we were made in his image ♪
♪ Then call us by our names ♪
♪ Most intellects
Do not believe in God ♪
♪ But they fear us
Just the same ♪
♪ Oh, on and on
And on and on ♪
♪ My cipher keeps movin'
Like a rollin' stone ♪
♪ On and on and on and on ♪
♪ All night
Till the break of dawn ♪
♪ I go on and on
And on and on ♪
♪ My cipher keeps movin'
Like a rollin' stone ♪
♪ Oh, on
Oh, on ♪
♪ Goddammit
I'm a sing this song ♪
♪ I was born underwater ♪
♪ With three dollars
And six dimes ♪
♪ Yeah, you may laugh
Why? ♪
♪ 'Cause you did not
Do your math ♪
♪ Like one, two, three
Damn, y'all feel that? ♪
♪ Like one, two, three ♪
♪ The world keeps turnin' ♪
♪ Oh, what a day ♪
♪ What a day, what a day ♪
♪ The man
That knows something ♪
♪ Knows that he knows
Nothin' at all ♪
♪ Does it seem colder
In your summertime ♪
♪ And hotter in your fall ♪
♪ If we were made in his image
Then call us by our names ♪
♪ Most intellects
Do not believe in God ♪
♪ But they fear you
They fear you ♪
♪ Oh, on, on, on ♪
♪ My cipher keeps movin'
Like a rollin' stone ♪
♪ Oh, on, on ♪
♪ All night
Until the vultures swarm ♪
♪ Oh, on, on, on ♪
♪ My cipher keeps movin'
Like a rollin' stone ♪
♪ Hey ♪
(VOCALIZING)
♪ Mad props to the God Jaborn ♪
♪ Ah, I'm feelin'
Kind of hungry ♪
♪ 'Cause my high
Is comin' down ♪
♪ Don't feed me yours ♪
♪ 'Cause your food
Does not endure ♪
♪ I think I need a cup of tea ♪
♪ The world keeps burnin' ♪
♪ Oh, what a day ♪
♪ You rush into destruction ♪
♪ 'Cause you don't have
Nothin' left ♪
♪ The Mothership
Can't save you ♪
♪ So your ass
Is gon' get left ♪
♪ If we were made in his image
Then call us by our names ♪
♪ Most intellects
Do not believe in God ♪
♪ But they fear you
Just the same ♪
♪ On, on, on ♪
♪ My cipher keeps movin'
Like a rollin' stone ♪
♪ On, on, on ♪
♪ You can't fuck with us
So just leave it alone ♪
♪ On, on, on ♪
♪ My cipher keeps movin'
Like a rollin' stone ♪
♪ On and on and on and on ♪
(SCATTING)
♪ Cipher moving ♪
All of you know my name.
-CHRIS: Yes.
-Peace and blessings.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS, CHEERS)
-Yes. Yes, yes.
Well, that's our show
for tonight.
I hope you enjoyed it.
Next week, my guest
will be Oprah Winfrey.
Now I'd like
to roll a clip of that,
but we haven't taped
the show yet.
So I want you to take a look
at this pre-enactment.
Oprah, I don't know what to say.
You look so good.
Thanks a lot, Chris.
You know, I've learned,
with the help of my trainer,
that it's not just
what you eat,
but how much and when.
I mean, your man must be
so happy with the new you.
Oh, thank you so much.
Stedman is ecstatic.
That Stedman
is one lucky man.
Yeah, when you talk about luck,
it's Stedman, the same.
Lucky Sonofabitch,
Stedman.
All right.
I'd like thank our guests,
Tracy Morgan, Erykah Badu.
I want to thank all
of y'all for coming out.
Yo Flash, play us out.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Wake up!
What, are you asleep?
I know.
Feels bad, don't it?
Come on.
just tuning in and thinking,
shit, I missed
the “Def Comedy Jam”.
But don't worry, I've got
highlights of tonight's show.
And here to give me
a hand is my tag team partner,
Mr. Stuart Scott
from ESPN Sports Center.
Thanks a lot, Chris.
There was plenty of action
on the boards tonight,
so let's get right to it.
Def started the night
with the traditional
pre-show prayer.
Let's all give God
a round of applause, y'all,
-you know what I'm saying?
-(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)
For making it possible
for us to be
up in this motherfucker today.
All right,
can I get a hallelujah
from the choir on that one?
A motherfuckin' hallelujah.
I mean, where are the refs at?
They used to call that.
I think,
he should have known better
than to mix prayer
and profanity.
That youngster should just
concentrate on the fundamentals.
You know, they work
on that in spring training.
Now, Def got off to a fast start
with a gentleman who goes
by the name of Talent,
discussing
his favorite strip club.
-I go to the booty shit.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
The grimy shit.
Niggas know who make
the most money?
The bitch
with the most stretch marks.
-Big Bertha bitch.
-(LAUGHS)
They get
a little Heineken bottle.
- ♪ (IMITATES MUSIC) ♪
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-♪ (IMITATES MUSIC) ♪
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
CHRIS ROCK: Let's have a look
at that on replay.
STUART SCOTT: Uh-huh. See, see.
That's why
this kid's name is Talent.
I mean, look at those moves.
I think, yup, we can classify
that as the mojo.
-Talent is definitely as cool...
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
...as the other side
of the pillow.
Next up to the plate
is a youngster
with phat potential, Will.
They're expecting much flavor
from this kid.
He's got some keen observations
on the ongoing battle
of the sexes.
-Titty fucking.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Let me show you y'all
what I'm talking about.
Titty fucking, you know when
they put their dick right here.
CHRIS: Now, right here we have
the female breasts.
And here is the male genitalia.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
CHRIS: The female breasts
presses against the shaft,
-causing an explosion of sperm.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, LAUGHING)
CHRIS: You know, my uncle loss
an eye like that.
Now all hell is breaking loose.
The force of the sperm knocks
his hat clean off his head.
The sperm is now being applied
to his hair.
It got babies in it.
CHRIS: This man
is the next Bill Cosby.
Boo-yeah. I wish I had a nickel
for every time
that's happened to me.
It's always a thrill to watch
a man explore his feminine side.
Now, the show appeared
unstoppable as a cagey veteran
Bill Hill delivered
some provocative thoughts
on air safety.
Motherfuckin' planes
getting blown up.
Y'all see that shit?
When we find the black box,
the black box gon' let us know
what we need to know
about what happened.
I think that maybe we should
start making the planes
out of the shit we make
the black box with.
What the fuck is going on?
Don't be bullshitting
with me, Ms. Media.
Don't bullshit with me, media.
Whoa, whoa, flag on the play.
-What's the call?
-Looks like hacking.
This premise and punch line
was clearly stated
by Dana Carvey
five years ago
on Saturday Night Live.
It's the only thing
that survives a crash.
Why don't they build
the whole plane
out of the black box?
Whoo! That could have been
a show buster.
But Big Mo
was on Def's side tonight
as Hill stormed back
to close strong.
It ain't nothing like smoking
a blunt with your girl
in the bed butt naked
with a big ass bowl
of Froot Loops on the floor
with five ice cubes
in the Froot Loops, nigga!
Ain't nothing like that shit.
Can I get a amen
from the congregation?
That boy is no stranger
to a good time.
He sure is living large.
in bed with a woman, a blunt,
Froot Loops and ice cubes.
Our side-line reporter,
John Haymin has more.
Chris, as you can see,
I followed the instructions
to a T.
I've got my blunt, a lovely lady
and... my Froot Loops.
But to tell you the truth,
it's not very exciting.
John, you forgot the ice cubes.
Geez, you know, I'd lose my head
if it wasn't screwed on.
Of course, the ice cubes.
Mm. Now, this is the bomb.
Can I get a witness?
Well, get one with a car, Stu,
because we're out of time.
In the words of Russell Simmons,
"God bless, good night."
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
ANNOUNCER: From New York City,
it's The Chris Rock Show.
Tonight, Saturday Night Live's
Tracy Morgan.
Musical guest, Erykah Badu.
Plus musical director,
Grandmaster Flash.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock.
-(CHEER, APPLAUD)
-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
All right.
Hey.
So...
So...
So, y'all been watching
the show?
AUDIENCE: Oh, yeah.
-All right. On legal cable?
-AUDIENCE: No!
Yeah, you got to get
that legal cable.
You know, for those
with illegal cable, fuck you.
Matter of fact, I'm gonna
walk off right now.
(STAMMERS) Okay, here we are.
What's going on
with New York, Brooklyn?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
I'm from Brooklyn,
and it's nuts.
Man, a security guard
at a Brooklyn high school
this week was fired because
he was a member of the gang,
The Latin Kings.
Security guard.
He's the security guard.
Protecting us from the gangs.
He in the gang.
What kind of shit is this?
Now, he got another job
at another high school.
Now he's
a drive-by ed instructor.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
He's in a gang.
In the motherfucking gang.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
-Put him in government.
What's the big thing now?
New York cops are going
to start
using hollow point bullets.
Hollow point bullets.
You know, they say
they're a kinder bullet.
It's a kinder, gentler bullet,
you know.
It just taps you, you dead.
You shoot somebody.
Oh, that was nice.
A lot of people are mad
over this whole, you know...
hollow bullet thing.
People are mad.
How dare they?
How dare
they use hollow point bullets?
The fuck do they think
they're doing
using hollow up point bullets?
Hey!
If you're worried
about what kind of bullets
the cops are using.
Chances are you're doing
some shit
you ain't supposed to be doing.
(CHEERS, APPLAUDS)
Keep going.
What else is going on?
A theater in Jersey,
a theater in Jersey, I saw this,
is getting death threats
and ticket cancellations
because a black man is playing
the part of Jesus in--
(STAMMERS)
A black man playing Jesus.
They're getting death threats
from church people.
From church people.
What kind of shit?
I thought you Christian,
you know.
What kind of Christian going
to give death threats
over some shit like that?
That's like,
love thy neighbor,
but get that nigga off stage.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
What else, what else?
Yesterday ABC announced...
ABC announced that KD Lang
and Melissa Etheridge
will star on Ellen this week
when she announces
that she's gay.
That's right, they got
a big gay show this week.
Hey, I'm gonna watch.
I'm gonna be there.
You never know,
something freaky might jump off.
But in a counter move,
just to compete with them
on Seinfeld this week,
Kramer is going
to fuck George in the ass.
(APPLAUD)
We got a great show
for you tonight.
We have a very funny comedian,
Tracy Morgan's here.
-We got...
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-We got Erykah Badu.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-And we got Grandmaster Flash.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-But first...
But first I want you
to take a look at this.
NARRATOR:
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You've tried the gum.
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And when it's finished,
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It's that easy.
Siggorette
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Every time I have
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It's like magic.
All it takes is ten or 20
of these a day.
I haven't smoked in six months.
And I feel great.
NARRATOR: So throw
those nasty things away
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that you never smoke again.
Siggorette is also now available
in crushproof 20 packs.
Buy a carton,
get a free Zippo lighter.
(AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD)
How's it going?
Hey, Siggorettes.
Now, our guest tonight
is a New York comedian
who has appeared on Martin,
Showtime at the Apollo,
the Def Comedy Jam,
and you can currently watch him
every week
on Saturday Night Live.
Please give it up
for Tracy Morgan. Come on.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
All right! Tracy!
Brother, AKA Hustle Man.
-No doubt.
-Hustle Man from Martin.
See, that's what the people
know you from.
So you're the new black guy
on Saturday Night Live.
Yeah. The new black dude.
-'Cause I was there for a while.
-Mm-hmm.
I was there, and Eddie
was there, and Damon was there,
and Garrett Morris
was there.
-Do they actually do--
-You forgot my cousin Bobby.
-He was there, too.
-Tim Meadows was there.
He was security,
but he was there.
-(LAUGHS)
-Bobby worked there.
Bobby worked there
for a little bit.
But when shit was missing,
they, you know.
-Hey, hey, you know.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So now you're on SNL.
You're SNL.
I remember when I was there,
it was like, this rule,
you going to play
every black guy we got.
-Everybody but Pearl Bailey.
-(LAUGHS)
-Yeah.
-And if it's a rough week
you going
to play Pearl Bailey, too.
What was the first thing
you had to do?
Anything they wanted you to do
that you didn't want to do?
They wanted me
to do black Jesus first.
-(CHRIS LAUGHING)
-They wanted me to do it...
They wanted you
to play black Jesus.
-But I gave it to that kid.
-Oh, okay,
I passed the part
on over to him.
I just wanna make money,
that's all. (LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-I don't want them to leave me
out of nothing.
(LAUGHS)
But now he getting all
the press, I want to play God.
-No, I'm just...
-(LAUGHS)
So, okay, you're there,
you do that.
You didn't play black Jesus.
What was the worst thing
they had you do so far?
-Get butt naked.
-You was butt naked there?
That was the first skit I did.
The first skit, it was like,
welcome to Saturday Night Live,
take your clothes off.
What did you have to do
in the sketch?
Did they have a joke for you
-or were you just naked?
-Yeah,
-that was the joke.
-You was like in the office.
I mean, let's get it.
I'm not no hunk.
I have stretch marks
and everything there.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-(LAUGHS)
I mean, I took my shirt off,
the whole crew got sick,
you know. (LAUGHS)
I could clear
this whole room out.
Want to see it?
-Clear it out.
-That's all right.
-We got more show to go.
-Mm.
Naked man next week.
I got stretch marks for days,
baby. (LAUGHS)
-What, you had kids?
-(LAUGHS)
You got-- "I got stretch marks
for days."
(LAUGHS)
-"Right around here."
-(LAUGHS)
Now, when did you first
start doing comedy?
-Well, how did you start?
-About five years ago.
Professionally,
I was broke, out of a job.
(LAUGHS) So you're
a professional broke guy.
TRACY MORGAN: I got real funny,
you know.
So broke made you funny.
You didn't watch comedy tapes?
You said, you know,
"I'm so broke."
"Comedy. That's what
I should be doing." Comedy.
I was broke.
Not having no money make
your sense of humor grow.
CHRIS: Oh, man.
I'm walking past
the comedy club,
and I heard them
doing jokes.
So I said, I'm pretty funny,
and plus, I'm broke so...
I went up in the piece,
and I was, like,
could I get on stage?
And the lady was sitting there
taking-- Ms. Brown.
How you doing, Ms. Brown?
-Ms. Brown.
-CHRIS: Yeah, she watching.
She makes some good chicken,
too...
-CHRIS: That's good.
-...and potato salad.
-So, this is a nice comedy club.
-Yeah, it was a family thing.
-(LAUGHS)
-It was up in Harlem, you know
-they got food up there.
-Okay, okay.
And, so...
I went in there,
and I said can I get on stage?
And she said, nah.
I was about to walk out
and one of the bouncers
was like, "Yo, hold up,
you funny?"
And I was like, yeah.
So he said come back
to the workshop Wednesday.
And then like, four months later
I was on TV.
-CHRIS: Wow!
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Thank you.
Now, you know, I was on
Saturday Night Live.
And I watched
Saturday Light Live
all the time. They never give
you enough to do, man.
Never give you enough to do.
I mean, you should
have your own character.
You need your own character.
The only way to get a lot of pub
on Saturday Night Live
is have your own character
like Wayne's World,
or Church Lady, a Gumby.
Something they can do every week
and make a movie out of.
-Yeah. I agree.
-So, you know what?
Here on the Chris Rock Show,
we're going to give you
-your own character.
-All right. (LAUGHS)
We're going to give you
your own character.
Something for you to do,
something for you
to make your mark.
And it's called the loud,
but wrong guy.
-(LAUGHS)
-It's the loud but wrong guy.
Let me explain this to you.
Now, you're always wrong,
but you're so loud
you win the argument.
-(TRACY LAUGHING) All right.
-You think you can do that?
-Yeah, yeah.
-Okay, let's give it a shot.
Okay. Loud but wrong guy,
here we go.
Here's my point!
Ketchup is mustard.
They the same thing.
It's just red fucking ketchup.
People say, why you
putting ketchup on your hot dog?
I be like, fuck you.
It's the same fucking thing.
-Ketchup is mustard.
-What are you talking about?
That's ridiculous.
What's ridiculous is how
they conned you into believing
that ketchup ain't mustard.
That's ridiculous.
But it's
the same fucking thing!
What are you talking about,
you freak?
Whoa.
Look, you go
to the supermarket.
Where they at?
In the same aisle.
The same fucking thing.
-You know why?
-CHRIS: Why?
'Cause I know
that ketchup is mustard.
It's the same thing!
All right, all right,
you win the argument.
Thank you.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Tracy Morgan.
(AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD)
The ketchup...
The ketchup is mustard.
-(LAUGHS)
-The loud but wrong man.
All right, now in recent months,
share this with me--
In recent months,
I've been having a lot
happen in my life.
I got married,
I got my own show.
But I'm still missing something.
I'm still feeling
a little hollow inside.
And I think, I know,
what it is.
I need to get in touch
with my spiritual side.
I mean, basically what needs
to happen is I need to find God
before God finds me.
So what I did is me and my crew
went out on a spiritual journey.
So take a look at this.
MAN: In that was weak
to the flesh could not save man.
God did by sending
his only begotten son.
Are there any black Jews?
There's lots of black Jews.
♪ Who can take a sunrise ♪
I am a high priestess
in the Wiccan religion.
-Also known as witchcraft.
-Also known as witchcraft.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
The Mennonites are...
Well, they're Christians,
of course, first of all.
Mennonite is an adjective
and Christian is a noun.
In other words,
we're first of all Christians.
CHRIS: Okay,
so you're like a borough...
-(LAUGHS) That's right.
-...of the city.
It's like, you're like Brooklyn.
The lack of money
is the root of all evil.
The lack-- So money's not
-the root of all evil.
-Oh, no. No, no, no.
-And you are?
-The Reverend Run.
The Reverend Run.
Of what church?
Run D.M.C.
-Okay.
-I'm from Zoey ministries.
How would
I become a swami?
First you want to practice yoga.
-(GROANS)
-Breathe, breathe, breathe.
-Is there any hazing?
-What does that mean?
They beat you up
before you go in there...
to make sure
you're swami material.
I know you're in there.
You're hiding, like I do.
I need some religion.
The American Atheists
takes position,
in the fact that religion
is an induced addiction,
and it's really
a mental disease.
Do you know how much
you can love the Lord sitting
in the back
of a Rolls Royce phantom V?
You should hear me
in the back seat there
just singing
and talking in tongues.
♪ Oh how I love Jesus ♪
So what would hell be like?
Hell is something with--
You know like when you go
into your underground here...
-Right.
-...and somebody's trying
to chase you with a knife,
that's hell, isn't it?
So hell's like the Bronx.
Hell is a soul on fire
with its own misery.
Is there a heaven?
We believe--
We call it Summerland.
-But yes, there is.
-Summerland, it's like in Miami?
(LAUGHS) No, it's not in Miami.
How many Rolls Royces
do you have?
Oh, I don't remember.
-Can you drink alcohol?
-Of course.
-They towed my Rolls Royce.
-They towed your Rolls Royce.
Phantom V, no respect.
They probably didn't know
what it was.
♪ Just making you feel about
These problems full grown ♪
♪ But nevertheless
I'm fresh with the flesh ♪
Help me! Let me in!
-Is it okay to masturbate?
-No.
-(BUZZER BUZZING)
-What about masturbation?
-All of that is sinful.
-(BUZZER BUZZING)
How does
your church view masturbation?
(BUZZER BUZZING)
Is it okay to masturbate
in this religion?
(CHUCKLES) Yes.
♪ Couldn't burn in my church
No lipping, I'm dipping ♪
♪ I'm keeping my crown ♪
Godism is just a tool
to keep a certain class
of people in business.
It's an industry.
Here's one tape album
on "how to prosper regardless
-of world conditions."
-CHRIS: Okay.
And whenever
there's a so-called recession,
I teach people, you don't have
to take part in it.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
Love of money is something
that we think often interferes
with our love for God.
Do you consider yourself
a black leader?
No. I'm a green leader.
So, some people say,
Jesus was a black man.
Would you say Jesus
was a green man?
I definitely say that
Jesus was a green man.
Oh, I'm not leaving.
I got time.
There's not much money
because the money,
which comes in,
goes back into...
-Into...
-Into me?
-Into you.
-Just show me the money.
Okay.
Swing low, sweet chariot.
Comin' for to carry me home.
Jesus is not a drag.
(REVEREND IKE LAUGHS)
♪ Sweet chariot ♪
♪ Comin' for
To carry me home ♪
REVEREND IKE: Just show me
the money. (LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS, CHEERS)
Our musical guest's debut album
"Baduizm" has reached number one
on the Billboard charts.
Here to perform
her special blend
of R&B and hip hop,
in her song, "On & On,"
please give it up
for Erykah Badu.
♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ Oh, my, my, my ♪
♪ I'm feelin' high
My money's gone ♪
♪ I'm all alone ♪
♪ Too much to see
The world keeps turnin' ♪
♪ Oh, what a day
What a day, what a day ♪
♪ Peace and blessings manifest ♪
♪ With every lesson learned ♪
♪ If your knowledge
Were your wealth ♪
♪ Then it would be well-earned ♪
♪ If we were made in his image ♪
♪ Then call us by our names ♪
♪ Most intellects
Do not believe in God ♪
♪ But they fear us
Just the same ♪
♪ Oh, on and on
And on and on ♪
♪ My cipher keeps movin'
Like a rollin' stone ♪
♪ On and on and on and on ♪
♪ All night
Till the break of dawn ♪
♪ I go on and on
And on and on ♪
♪ My cipher keeps movin'
Like a rollin' stone ♪
♪ Oh, on
Oh, on ♪
♪ Goddammit
I'm a sing this song ♪
♪ I was born underwater ♪
♪ With three dollars
And six dimes ♪
♪ Yeah, you may laugh
Why? ♪
♪ 'Cause you did not
Do your math ♪
♪ Like one, two, three
Damn, y'all feel that? ♪
♪ Like one, two, three ♪
♪ The world keeps turnin' ♪
♪ Oh, what a day ♪
♪ What a day, what a day ♪
♪ The man
That knows something ♪
♪ Knows that he knows
Nothin' at all ♪
♪ Does it seem colder
In your summertime ♪
♪ And hotter in your fall ♪
♪ If we were made in his image
Then call us by our names ♪
♪ Most intellects
Do not believe in God ♪
♪ But they fear you
They fear you ♪
♪ Oh, on, on, on ♪
♪ My cipher keeps movin'
Like a rollin' stone ♪
♪ Oh, on, on ♪
♪ All night
Until the vultures swarm ♪
♪ Oh, on, on, on ♪
♪ My cipher keeps movin'
Like a rollin' stone ♪
♪ Hey ♪
(VOCALIZING)
♪ Mad props to the God Jaborn ♪
♪ Ah, I'm feelin'
Kind of hungry ♪
♪ 'Cause my high
Is comin' down ♪
♪ Don't feed me yours ♪
♪ 'Cause your food
Does not endure ♪
♪ I think I need a cup of tea ♪
♪ The world keeps burnin' ♪
♪ Oh, what a day ♪
♪ You rush into destruction ♪
♪ 'Cause you don't have
Nothin' left ♪
♪ The Mothership
Can't save you ♪
♪ So your ass
Is gon' get left ♪
♪ If we were made in his image
Then call us by our names ♪
♪ Most intellects
Do not believe in God ♪
♪ But they fear you
Just the same ♪
♪ On, on, on ♪
♪ My cipher keeps movin'
Like a rollin' stone ♪
♪ On, on, on ♪
♪ You can't fuck with us
So just leave it alone ♪
♪ On, on, on ♪
♪ My cipher keeps movin'
Like a rollin' stone ♪
♪ On and on and on and on ♪
(SCATTING)
♪ Cipher moving ♪
All of you know my name.
-CHRIS: Yes.
-Peace and blessings.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS, CHEERS)
-Yes. Yes, yes.
Well, that's our show
for tonight.
I hope you enjoyed it.
Next week, my guest
will be Oprah Winfrey.
Now I'd like
to roll a clip of that,
but we haven't taped
the show yet.
So I want you to take a look
at this pre-enactment.
Oprah, I don't know what to say.
You look so good.
Thanks a lot, Chris.
You know, I've learned,
with the help of my trainer,
that it's not just
what you eat,
but how much and when.
I mean, your man must be
so happy with the new you.
Oh, thank you so much.
Stedman is ecstatic.
That Stedman
is one lucky man.
Yeah, when you talk about luck,
it's Stedman, the same.
Lucky Sonofabitch,
Stedman.
All right.
I'd like thank our guests,
Tracy Morgan, Erykah Badu.
I want to thank all
of y'all for coming out.
Yo Flash, play us out.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Wake up!
What, are you asleep?
I know.
Feels bad, don't it?
Come on.