The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 8, Episode 23 - The Maternal Combustion - full transcript

Personalities collide when Leonard and Sheldon's mothers meet for the first time. Bernadette reaches her limit with Howard and Stuart.

Leonard, what time
does your mom get in?

- I don't know. Tomorrow morning?
- Don't you want to know for sure?

As soon as she flies
into California airspace...

...I'll feel a disturbance in the Force.

It's so nice both of your moms are
coming in to see you guys get an award.

Well, my mother's been there
for every honor I've won...

...since I beat out my twin sister
for the "Did It On The Potty" trophy.

- How does this look?
- Aw, it's so nice. She's gonna love it.

Sure, his mom gets roses.

When I want them they're a
"bouquet of severed plant genitals."

You act like I didn't get you
that mushroom log on Valentine's Day.

He's right, roses die,
but a moist, rotting log...

...will pump out mushrooms
for two or three magical years.

Your mom's never been thrilled
with our relationship.

Maybe I should get her something
so she warms up to me.

If you could run out and get a PhD,
that might make her like you.

Really? It didn't work for you.

- Think the moms will get along?
- They're pretty different.

Maybe they'll be best friends.

One of them is brilliant.
One is sweet and simple.

Sound familiar?

Shelly, I'm so proud of you
and Leonard for getting this award.

- Thank you, Mother.
- I tried to read your paper...

...but it was very hard for me to understand.

It's quite straight-forward, actually.

It describes a new model of
the universe that conceptualizes it... the surface of
an n-dimensional superfluid.

Interesting. You can believe that...

...but God filling an Ark with
animals two-by-two is nonsense.

What did they feed the lions, Mother?

The floating bodies
of drowned sinners, of course.

Listen, Leonard's mom is a renowned
psychiatrist and woman of science.

Can you please keep the Bible babble
to yourself while she's here?

- Are you ashamed of me?
- Of course not, I love you.

I'm just embarrassed by
the things you believe, do and say.

Well, I love you too.

My little bowl of lion chow.

So have you and Penny
set a wedding date?

No, we're kind of taking it slow.

I see.

What does that mean?

You've been on and off
with this woman for seven years...

...and engaged for one year.
One has to wonder if there's a problem.

Are you having satisfactory intercourse?

Yes, Mother.

Only satisfactory, I see.

I change my answer. It's amazing, it's hot.

We can barely keep
our hands off each other.

Seems odd to try and impress
your mother with your sexual prowess.

But then you always did have
that unresolved Oedipal complex.

See, this right here, what you're doing...

...can you please not do that
around Sheldon's mom?

Why, are you attracted to her too?

Of course not. She's just
a very sweet and God-fearing lady...

...and you have to be
respectful of her beliefs.

Leonard, I'm an adult,
I know how to conduct myself...

...around people
from different walks of life.

- Thank you.
- Where is she from again?

- East Texas.
- Ugh.

Hey, look who's here.

Dr. Hofstadter, it's so good to see you again.

Likewise. I read your paper,
it was very impressive.

- Thank you.
- We just spent two hours in traffic.

Did you think to mention to me
that you liked our paper?

Of course I did. But it's a mother's job
to make sure her child's self-esteem... not dependent on anyone's approval.

That's so sweet,
you think I have self-esteem.

Dr. Hofstadter, I want you to
meet my mother, Mary.

- So nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.

- How was your flight?
- Very pleasant. And yours?

Lovely. Almost as if someone...
Not saying who.

...was watching over the plane.

You're kidding, right?

Subtle, Mom. Real subtle.

- Stuart...
- Morning.

We talked about this.

I don't mind you living here,
but we gotta have rules.

And rule number one is pants.


You must be very proud of your son.

Oh, yes. He recently argued
a case before the Supreme Court.

He did?

Oh, you mean this son.

Sure, he's terrific.

Beverly, would you like
to see the math I worked out... support our hypothesis?

You mean my hypothesis.
I hypothesized it all by myself.

Calm down, dear.

Mary, I'm curious,
when did you first realize...

...that your son had
such a remarkable mind?

Oh, good question.

Everyone loves stories
about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.

Well, I have to say when he was 13...

...and tried to build
a nuclear reactor in the tool shed.

Oh, this is a good one.

First thing you have to know
about Shelly is, since he was little...

...he was always concerned
with the well-being of others.

And he didn't think that it was fair
for people to pay for electricity... he was gonna power
the entire town for free.

Tell her about the uranium!

Oh, well. Oh, this is adorable.

When he arranged to
get some yellow cake from Chad...

...I thought he was talking about
Twinkies from one of his friends.

But I wasn't because
I didn't have any friends.

It turns out that this little scallywag
was trying to use my Visa card... buy uranium from an African warlord... the country of Chad.

Sounds like Sheldon was a handful.

Oh, he was a handful.

I was a handful.

You still are.

Mom, tell Mary the story...

...about how I made
a Van de Graaff generator...

...out of our vacuum cleaner.

All right.
He broke the vacuum cleaner.

For a while, everything was vampires... it's all zombies.

I wonder what the next monster fad will be.

We haven't had
a good invisible man in a while.

Clearly you've never seen me
try to talk to a woman.

Guys, in the time you've been
sitting here playing video games...

...I got the car washed,
picked up supplies and went to the bank.

I put on pants.

Kiss ass.

Okay, I don't know
when I became the mother... three lazy teenagers,
but it stops today.

You guys are cleaning
the kitchen, top to bottom.

Hey, I don't even live here.

Yes or no, do you have clothes
in my laundry now?

I do.

And some of it is wool,
so dry flat if possible.

Here's a picture of me receiving
my Bachelor of Science degree.

You don't look very happy.

Well, I had just begun puberty...

It was figuratively and literally
one of the hairiest moments of my life.

Shelly does not like change.

True, but all the clenching in the world...

...will not keep testicles in your abdomen.

Hey, sorry, I got caught up at work.

- Hi, Beverly.
- Hello.

Oh, okay.

Sorry, I forgot.

- You remember my mother.
- Oh, yes. Hi, Mary.

Good to see you again, dear.

That's what I'm talking about.

So, Mom, you haven't seen Penny
since we got engaged.

- Here, let me show you the ring.
- Oh.

Lovely. Must've been very expensive.

Oh, no. Not at all.
We found a place online...

...that repurposes diamond drill bits.

We did not, that's not true.

Can I speak to you alone for a second?

Oh, sure.

It came from Tiffany's.

- You mean the box, right?
- Keep walking.

It really doesn't matter to me
how much he spent on the ring.

I think.

Did I misspeak about the ring?

Yes, and we'll get back to that.

Even with your mother here...'re deliberately hogging
all the attention from my mom.

You're like those elephant seal pups...

...that steals the milk from two mothers.

Do you mean what marine biologists
refer to as super weaning?

Yes, you are a super weaner!

Well, now I have to correct you.

As a bit of an elephant seal buff...

...the more accurate comparison
would be when two mother seals...

...actively seek to nourish the same pup.

So I believe the term you're looking for... a "double mother suckler."

You're right.
That is the term I'm looking for.

You are a dirty double mother suckler.

Okay. Now that we have
the terminology straightened out... dare you?

Not in a rush.
We'll set a date when the time's right.

It doesn't matter, sweetie.

The moment a man lays with a woman,
they are married in the eyes of the Lord.


"Ugh"? The Bible is "ugh" to you?

No, I'm sorry, that was inappropriate.

As a psychiatrist, I know how important
people's superstitions can be to them.

You wanna talk about superstitions?
Sheldon sent me the books you wrote.

All that nonsense
about super-egos and ids.

What bull dropped that on the barn floor?

His name is Sigmund Freud.

Hey, look at that.
You both believe in Jewish bearded guys.

Stay out of this.

At least the bearded man that I believe in
preaches love and compassion.

All yours talks about is
why you hold in your poop...

...and wanna crawl back inside your mama.

It's fascinating. How can someone
as enlightened as Sheldon...

...come from someone like you?

I know the answer, you're not gonna like it.

- Try me.
- When I was pregnant with Shelly...

...I was driving to church,
and I was praying to the Lord... give me a son
smarter than his dumb-ass daddy.

And I looked over
and I saw a Jesus bobblehead... the Subaru next to me nodding "Yes."

What is that supposed to mean?

It means I can't believe
we're having this conversation.

Well, do it some more.

Maybe you can knock
some sense into yourself.

How about we all stop hitting ourselves...

...and talk about
something safe like shoes...

...or how cute little Chinese babies are.

It's not my fault your mother
likes me better than she likes you!

Don't flatter yourself! She likes
everybody better than she likes me!

How old is this Jell-O?

Well, it's carrots, so I'm gonna say very.

Sorry we have to do this.

Bernadette's not wrong.
She does work hard around here.

Yeah, maybe it's a good thing
if she stops babying you so much.

She doesn't baby me.

I saw her pull you home in a wagon.

For your information, I twisted my ankle
chasing the ice cream truck.

Face it, dude, Bernadette treats you
the same way your mother used to...

...and that was not a healthy relationship.

You're right, it's time for me... act like an adult in this marriage.

Starting with my husbandly duty...

...of taking out the trash.

Bernie, I made a mess!

I'm terribly sorry that I upset your mother.

It's all right, she'll forgive you.

She has to or she goes to hell.

I can't help but notice
how her unconditional love for you... diametrically opposed
to my own parenting strategies.

Well, you doled out affection
as a reward for achievement...

...a proven way to
raise a child or train a rat.

But look how well you turned out.

I'd feign modesty at this point,
but who would believe me?

Still, you need to consider how successful
Leonard's brother and sister are.

I suppose.

While my brother and sister
are mouth-breathing idiots.

Do you suppose
you would've flourished more... a reward-based environment?

Perhaps. But my mom made me
spaghetti with chopped-up hot dogs...

...whenever I wanted, so who cares?

Not once did my mother
ever give me any love or affection...

...for just being myself.
I always had to earn it.

Oh, Leonard, I'm sure
she loves you very much.

In her own cold, godless way.

Yeah, and you certainly
don't have to earn my love.

- Thank you.
- Of course, you already knew that...

...when you bought me this
princess-cut drill bit.

- That's not what it is.
- I know, I know.

When your mom gets back,
I need to apologize...

...for the way I spoke to her.

Come on, she did kind of start it.

A good Christian would've
turned the other cheek.

On the other hand,
a good Texan would've shot her, so...

I kind of split the difference.

Hey, who's in the mood
for spaghetti and hot dogs?

- Oh, me!
- Yeah, me too!

Coming up.

I don't really feel I deserve it.

That was a big sticky mess...

- ...but I think I got it.
- Looks good.

Look at that,
you cleaned it up all by yourself.

Yes, I cleaned it up all by myself.

Honestly, I don't know why you complain...

Okay, maybe I missed one spot.

Just leave.

I'm so glad you and I
were able to bury the hatchet.

Me too. And I respect
your right to your beliefs.

And I will pray for you.

Okay. Mom, let's get you
back to your hotel...

...before anyone says anything else.

One moment, there's something
I need to say to you.

Oh, really? That's too bad.

Leonard, I always
made you earn my affection...

...but today I realized that there's
more than one way to raise a child.

I taught her that.

Therefore I would like to
initiate a new protocol...

...wherein I shower you...

...with unconditional love.

Wow. When does that start?

So needy.

Come to Mommy.

It's okay. Go ahead.

Oh, my son.

Oh, my mother.

Oh, my God.

It's the hard-knock life

It's the hard-knock life for us

It's the hard-knock life for us

Instead of treated, we get tricked

Instead of kisses, we get kicked

It's the hard-knock life

Got no folks to speak of, so

It's the hard-knock row we hoe

Cotton blanket 'stead of wool

Empty bellies 'stead of full

It's the hard-knock life