The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 8, Episode 22 - The Graduation Transmission - full transcript

Howard questions his engineering abilities when he and Sheldon can't get a toy drone to fly. A cancelled flight nearly prevents Leonard from giving the commencement address at his former high school. Raj pits his parents against each other when his father cuts him off financially.

It's, like, the best one they make,
I just can't get it to work. I'll figure it out.
It streams HD video straight to your phone while it's flying.
Where were you when I was single?
Okay, we should leave in about an hour. You all packed?
Uh, yeah, I just need to throw in a few last minute things--
you know, makeup, underwear, clothes.
If your bathroom floor
counts as a carry-on, you're packed.
Leonard, have you ever given
a high school commencement speech before?
Nope. It's pretty exciting.
Aren't you afraid of being blinded?
How would I be blinded?
At the end of the ceremony,
all the students throw those pointy hats in the air.
It's all pomp and circumstance
until someone loses an eye.
I'll take my chances.
I wonder if they make
"I told you so" cards in braille.
Look, the problem with commencement speeches
is that they're boring.
Ooh, do you own a T-shirt cannon?
Why would he own a T-shirt cannon?
I don't know. Why do I own one?
I think it's really nice
that you're sharing this experience with Penny.
Mm, I thought it'd be fun
to show her my old stomping grounds.
I even know the exact spot where they used to stomp me.
Well, now you get to go back
as a successful scientist.
With a beautiful girl on your arm.
And a pointy hat sticking out of your eyeball.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
How'd you get ready so fast?
Oh, I pack light.
Once, I got through an entire spring break
with nothing but a long T-shirt and a belt.
Why did you need a belt?
It's called an evening look.
I've never been to New Jersey before.
It gets a bad rap from shows
like Jersey Shore and Real Housewives.
So it's not really like that?
No, it's like that.
Well, I'm excited to show you around.
You think we'll have time to visit your mom over there?
Yes. We'll also have time to put my junk in a garlic press,
but I'm not doing that either.
(phone chimes)
I just got an alert.
Our flight's been canceled.
Yeah, looks like there's a big storm
all up the East Coast.
Well, can we get on another airline?
I don't think so.
So, that's it?
We're not going?
I guess not. (scoffs)
Well, that sucks.
I worked hard on that speech, too.
Oh. You could tell it to me.
Oh, thank you, but I'm okay.
Are you sure?
I could pretend I'm a high school cheerleader
who can't control herself around esteemed alumni.
Greetings, distinguished cheerleaders.
Okay, the WiFi extender is on, the camera's on,
they're both on the same network;
we should be getting an image.
All I see is a black screen.
And my own reflection.
I look sad.
Maybe we should recalibrate it.
All right. Step one:
rapidly flip the calibration switch
from the fully up to the fully down positions
for at least ten times.
It actually says "at least"?
Why would they say "at least"?
Is it ten toggles?
Is it 100 toggles? You know?
Is it 1,000 toggles?
10,000 toggles? 100,000 toggles?
You see where I'm going with this.
Just flip the switch
until the lights on the drone change to solid yellow.
All right, that seems simple enough.
Initiating calibration sequence.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Well, I suppose ten is technically "at least ten."
But they're still getting at least one angry letter.
Now I rotate it horizontally
on its center axis until the lights turn green.
Initiating rotation sequence.
Don't look at me, initiate.
Oh... What does red and yellow mean?
It means the calibration failed.
We have to start over.
Oh. Very well.
Reinitiating calibration sequence.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten...
It's a good thing I didn't send that letter.
(Skype ringtone plays)
Mm. Hello, Daddy. What's up?
Not much, just wanted to see how my son's doing.
Very well, thank you.
Are you still dating that dermatologist?
If you could feel how soft my skin is,
you wouldn't have to ask.
Oh, and there's something else I wanted to ask you.
Why did you spend a month's rent on a toy helicopter?!
Oh, you're where that bill goes.
I'm tired of indulging your foolish lifestyle.
It's time you learned responsibility.
And the only way to teach you that
is to cut off your allowance.
No, Daddy, no!
There are lots of other ways to teach me responsibility.
I know, you can give me an egg
and make me take care of it for a week!
No, my mind is made up.
Starting now, you're on your own.
But, Daddy, I-I miss my family so much,
and with you and Mummy getting a divorce,
I feel sad and empty.
Buying a little toy
every now and then helps me fill that void.
So while I can't hug you every day,
flying that helicopter...
I'm cutting you off.
Just to be clear, financially or mid-sentence?
No red and yellow,
no red and yellow.
Yay! It's green!
We did it!
God, if it's this much fun to rotate, imagine when we fly it.
Okay, now all I have to do is rotate it vertically
until the lights turn off.
Oh, no! Oh!
All right, playtime's over.
Let's open this baby up.
Won't that void the warranty?
Sheldon, I have a master's degree in engineering.
I wipe my bottom with warranties.
Except for AppleCare.
That pays for itself in the long run.
Hey, where'd you go?
I got you a little something to cheer you up.
Sex last night, pancakes this morning--
Am I dying? (chuckles)
Just open it.
A cap and gown?
Why do I need a cap and gown?
Because you are giving your commencement speech.
What are you talking about?
I called your old high school
and convinced them to let you give your speech over Skype.
That's amazing!
And you gave me the robes to give it in.
Thank you.
Yeah, now about those--
uh, they came from a costume shop,
and all they had left was sexy graduate,
so they...
might be a little short.
Short and sexy, that's my wheelhouse.
Boy, oh, boy, that's a lot of pieces.
You know what they all do, right?
Yes, of course.
What about this one?
Well, I... how familiar are you
with miniaturized integrated logic circuits?
Not very.
That right there is a miniaturized
integrated logic circuit.
So, can you get it working?
I'm an MIT-trained engineer.
I've built components for the space station.
I thought the zero-gravity toilet didn't work.
It worked fine,
it just wasn't designed for Russian cosmonauts
and their potato-based diet.
Hey, guys.
Hey. Hello.
I have to return the helicopter. My father...
What did you do?!
Well, don't worry.
He went to MIT.
He can solve any problem,
as long as it doesn't originate in a Russian man's colon.
I don't freaking believe this!
Relax, it'll be fine.
No, you have to put this back together
right now, so I can return it!
You can't return it.
Howard wiped his bottom with the warranty.
I think metaphorically.
But he was in the bathroom for a while.
Howard, my father cut me off.
I have to get my money back for this!
Calm down.
Okay, you're right.
It's time for me to step up
and take responsibility for my life.
Be a man.
Hello, Mummy.
Hello, Rajesh.
What a nice surprise.
Well, I've been thinking about you.
How are you doing?
Are you happy, Mummy?
Such a sweet boy for asking.
Can't believe you come from the poison seed of your father.
Well, I like to think I take mostly after you.
Anyway, speaking of Daddy,
I had a very strange conversation with him.
He said he couldn't afford to send me money anymore
because of his active social life.
What does that mean, "active social life"?
Well, let's not talk about him
or whatever shenanigans he may or may not be up to.
Let's talk about you.
Rajesh, is your father seeing someone?
All I know, Mummy, is that
he's a single wealthy doctor, and now, for some reason,
there's no money for your little boy.
Well, however much money your father was giving you,
I'll give you more.
Thank you, Mummy, I love you!
(quietly): Helicopters for everybody!
What's taking so long?
LEONARD: I don't think this is gonna work.
Just let me see.
Sweetie, you know you're supposed to wear clothes
underneath a graduation gown.
A: surprised you know that.
B: I wanted to look like a sexy graduate for you.
Well, you do.
Oh. Thank you.
You're gonna be on Skype; they're not gonna see your legs.
Well, I'm gonna go put on some pants just in case.
But I have to say, this is very freeing.
Add a belt and I'll take you someplace nice.
Done and done.
Okay, I think I've narrowed it down
to a faulty pin on the onboard communication chip.
Very impressive.
You know, when you're done with that,
can you look at this?
It doesn't make smoke anymore.
One toy at a time.
Mm. Sorry.
Ah, maybe it's for the best.
I hear locomotive smoke
is the second leading cause of death among train aficionados.
What's the first one?
I have the tool you wanted.
Thank you.
You guys don't have to go to the trouble.
I'm back in the money now;
I can just buy another helicopter.
It's not about the money.
It's about solving a problem.
It's why I became an engineer.
It's what I like to do, it's what I'm trained to do.
It's who I am.
Oh, look at you-- the little engineer that could.
Why don't you just call tech support?
Hey! Whoa! Not cool!
There's two kinds of people in this world:
those who call tech support
and those who make fun of the people who call tech support.
I call tech support all the time.
Ha-ha! You call tech support!
What a baby!
And now, for our commencement address,
one of our most distinguished alumni,
noted Caltech physicist Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
Members of the faculty, students,
I'm excited to speak to you today.
I can't help but remember
the last time I was in this auditorium.
Two guys from the lacrosse team
played keep-away with my asthma inhaler.
But enough about my ten-year reunion.
I'd also like to take a moment
to thank my beautiful fiancée
for to helping make this speech possible,
even though weather nearly prevented it.
Oh. Hello.
I-I didn't know he was gonna point it at me,
so... don't do drugs and stay in school.
They're graduating.
Okay, bye!
All right, the power supply is reconnected.
I think we're back in business.
Let's just run a few tests before we take it outside.
Sheldon, we got WiFi? Check.
GPS? Check.
Battery charged? Check.
Four hours of our lives gone? Check.
All right.
All systems go.
In five...
...four, three, two, one.
(electrical crackle)
That's what my train used to do.
Ready to call tech support?
Give me the number.
Probably wind up
talking to some foreign guy
who's reading from the same manual I have.
(phone ringing)
It's my father, you jerks.
Hello, Daddy.
What did you say to your mother?
I was just calling to check in,
make sure she's doing okay.
Well, after talking to you,
she seems to think I'm some sort of playboy.
I don't know where she'd get an idea like that.
You know Mummy and her crazy imagination.
I'm so lucky I take after you.
You think you take after me?
Well, I try to.
I certainly wouldn't be a scientist
if you hadn't been my role model.
Who wants to go to Vegas in a real helicopter?!
It was L. Frank Baum who said,
"No thief, however skillful, can rob one of knowledge,
and that is why knowledge is the best and safest treasure."
Wow, I'm boring myself.
Sorry, I can't see any of your faces right now,
but I bet they look like this.
Uh, you know, I-I wrote an entire speech
to say how high school prepares you
and what a wonderful place it is,
but I hated it.
Maybe high school's great if you look like this...
...but I didn't even feel like I existed at that school.
And now that I think about it,
I bet a lot of you feel the same way.
So, for the remainder of my speech,
this is for the invisible kids.
Uh, maybe you never fit in.
Or maybe you're the smallest kid in the school,
or the heaviest or the weirdest.
Maybe you're graduating
and you still haven't had your first kiss.
By the way, 19;
and Geraldine Coco, wherever you are, thank you.
Maybe you don't have any friends.
And guess what? That's okay.
While all the popular kids are off doing--
whatever, I don't know what they were doing
'cause I was never there...
I'll-I'll tell you later.
My point is,
while you're spending all this time on your own,
building computers or practicing your cello,
what you're really doing is becoming interesting.
And when people finally do notice you,
they're gonna find someone a lot cooler than they thought.
And for those of you who were popular in high school,
it's over, sorry.
Thank you and congratulations.
TECH SUPPORT (recording): Your call is important to us.
All our technicians are busy helping other customers.
Please stay on the line
and someone will be with you shortly.
(flute music playing)
What happened to me?
When did I become an old man
baffled by modern technology?
Next thing you know,
I'll be hitching my pants up to my armpits
and complaining about
the awful music the kids are listening to.
It is awful, isn't it?
Listen to that noise.
Hang on, hang on.
It's working! I did it!
How'd you do that?
No idea, but I did it!
Maybe you shouldn't be flying it inside.
Well, I'm not flying it!
Then who is? I don't know!
Must be getting a WiFi signal from somewhere else!
Initiate landing sequence! Initiate landing sequence!
Hey, the camera's working!
Oh, look, it's me.
(tech support talking indistinctly over phone)
Yes, it's a robot uprising! Call the police!
So you really think they liked it?
Oh, sweetie, it was the best speech I...
(both scream)
Don't worry, everyone in here is safe.