The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 9 - The Ornithophobia Diffusion - full transcript

Sheldon tries to overcome his fear of birds, while Leonard and Penny attempt to hang out together strictly as friends.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

You work the lunch shift?

Yeah. I've got eight pounds
of salmon that's about
to go bad.

Do you know
how to cook it?

- Not really.
- Damn it.

Should have liberated
the iffy chicken.

What are you and Professor
Fussyface up to tonight?

Star Wars on Blu-ray.

Haven't you seen that movie,
like, a thousand times?

Not on Blu-ray.

Only twice on Blu-ray.

Oh, Leonard.

I know, it's
high-resolution sadness.

Well, I'm going to take myself
out to a movie tonight.

You want to go?

Really? Do we do that?

What do you mean?

You know, we haven't spent
time alone together

since we broke up.

Oh, it's not a date, Leonard.

It's just a man and a woman
hanging out, not having sex
at the end of the night.

Sounds like
most of my dates.

Oh, dear Lord, get away
from me, you monster!

What is that about?

Well, he's smart
and crazy enough,

he may have actually
created a monster.

Shoo, shoo!
Be gone!

What the hell is going on?

There's a bird outside the
window, and he won't go away.

That is the hell
that is going on.

We have no worms or seeds here.

Shoo, shoo.

Really? On top of everything
else, you're afraid of birds?

It's called ornithophobia.

And someday it will
be recognized

as a true disability, and the
landlord will be required by law

to put a giant net
over the building.

Which is unfortunate, because
I have a fear of nets.

So movies, yes or no?

Movies, yes.

Great. I'll see you later.

And remember, he's more afraid
of you than you are of him.

That doesn't help.

No, I was talking
to the bird.

Go away, bird. Go away, bird.
Go away, bird.

Sheldon, just ignore him.

Good idea.
Attention is what birds want.

Oh, much better. All right.

Now I'll just get along
with my life.

(bird squawks)

Make a pot of tea, Leonard.
It's going to be a long night.

? Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ?

? Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ?

? The Earth began to cool

? The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ?

? We built the Wall
? We built the pyramids ?

? Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ?

? That all started
with a big bang ?

? Bang! ?

The Big Bang Theory S05E09
"The Ornithophobia Diffusion"

The bird's still there?

Quick, what does
a hawk sound like?

I don't know--


Please, that's a seagull.

If you're not going
to help, don't help.

Sorry. Do you think
I'm overdressed?

It depends on the activity.

For a prostate exam, yes.

If you're playing Vegas,
I'd add sequins.

I'm going to the movies
with Penny.

I don't want her to think
that I think it's a date.

Do you think it's a date?

No, but she might think I think
it's a date even though I don't.

Or you might think she thinks
you think it's a date even
though she doesn't.

Are we overthinking this?
Not at all.

You're right. I'm fine.
I'm wearing this.

Really? A blazer?
All right.

Yes, hello.

This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

I'm at 2311 North Robles Avenue.

I'd like to report
a dangerous wild animal.

A blue jay.

I'm sorry, this is
Animal Control.

I don't understand theaughter.

No, the bird is not in my home.

If he was in my home, I
obviously would have called 911.

Sir, I have no doubt that
there are things

that you're frightened of.

Being stuck in a dead-end
public service job.

Or your wife stepping out on you

because you're stuck in
a dead-end public service job.

Or spiders.

Don't you think I tried
making cat noises?

Too casual?

For an audience
with the queen, yes.

For an evening of paing
a bottle of fortified wine

around a flaming trash can,
you look great.

(imitates cat snarling
and hissing)

What am I thinking?

Oh, hey, if we hurry,
we can make the new
Jennifer Aniston movie.

Oh, yeah, sure.

There's also
an amazing documentary

about building a dam
on river in South America.

Okay, but the Jennifer Aniston
movie has Jennifer Aniston,

and she's not
building a dam.

Can't argue with that.

I'll get the tickets.

Actually, you know what?

I think it's about time
I picked a movie we see.

You pick plenty of movies.

No. You always picked,

and it was always the same.

An hour and a half of
beach houses in the rain

until the woman turns
around and realizes love
was here all along.

Come on, that is a great movie,
and it starts in ten minutes.

I hate those movies.

No, you don't.
Yes, I do.

The only reason I went is
because you wanted to see them,

and I wanted to have sex.

To this day, I can't see
a Sandra Bullock movie poster

without getting both
bored and aroused.

Okay, so while we
were going out,

how often would you pretend
to like things just to
have sex with me?

All the time.

You're kidding.

Does this sound familiar?

I'd love to go
shoe shopping with you.

Hiking? It's great.

It's 2:00 a.m., of course I want
to go to Korea Town and sing
karaoke with your friends.

Who wouldn't?

Okay, we were going out.

You were going
to get sex anyway.

Really? You would have slept
with me after a three-hour
documentary on dams?

No. No woman would.

See? Now, that's
the great thing.

We're out as friends.
This is not a date.

Sex is off the table.

So, let's go learn how
hydroelectric power

might not be the environmental
bargain you think it is.

Sorry. Spoiler alert.

All right, fine.


Tickets are 11 bucks.

Not a date.

Come on, Sheldon,
Star Wars.

I'm pushing play.
I mean it.

If we don't start soon,

George Lucas is going
to change it again.

This would go a lot faster

if you put your trade school
diploma to work

and helped me set up this
high frequency tone generator.

I have a Masters degree
from M.I.T.

Yeah, but you've got
a can- attitude

and that's what's important.

I really don't get
your problem with birds.

The question you
should be asking

is what is their problem
with me?

My first memory: A hummingbird
dive-bombing my stroller

to get at the apple juice
in my sippy cup.

Hummingbirds are pretty.

Hummingbirds are the vampires
of the flower world.

Still my first choice
for an ankle tattoo.

Or a dolphin--
I go back and forth.

Age seven, a blood-thirsty
chicken chases me up a tree.

Age 12, a magpie tries to steal
the retainer out of my mouth.

Age 16, a parrot in a
pet store called me fat ass.

Need I go on?

Yes, please. This is way better
than the movie.

All right, Sheldon,

your bird death ray is ready.

It's not a death ray.

It's just a little ultrasonic
blast to scare him off.

Trust me, if I had a death ray,

I wouldn't be living here.

I'd be in my lair
enjoying the money

the people of Earth gave me
for not using my death ray.

All right, and in three,

two, one.

(pushes button)

That is one
tough birdie.

Come on, you enjoyed
the movie.

I saw you tearing up
when the village got flooded,

and everyone
had to relocate.

No, I was thinking how come
they get to leave and I can't.

I'm going to get some fries.

You want anything?

Uh, no, thanks.
Are you sure?

You always say no, and then
you eat half my fries.

I just eat the little crispy
ones you don't like.

No, I love them.
I save them for the end,

but they're gone
because you ate them.

And why did

I let you eat them?

To get sex.

But this is
not a date.

So I ask again,
would you like anything?

All right, I'd like
an order ofries.

Great. That'll be five dollars.

I am having the best time.

I'm so glad you suggested
we do this.

Oh, sorry.

No problem.

What you writing there?

A screenplay.

Its about a guy whose
roommate is having sex

and tells him go to a bar
and work on his screenplay.

"I Hope Alex Gets Crabs:
The Movie."

It's a working title.

I'm Kevin.
Oh. Penny.

Nice to meet you.

I'll let you get
back to your date.

Oh, no, no.
This isn't a date, no.


Uh... right.

So have you written anything
I might have seen?

That depends. How much time
do you spend on Yelp?

(light sabers crackling on TV)
(bird squawks outside)

(bird squawking)

This is ridiculous.

I'm a grown man from Texas.

This isn't a terrifying bird
like a swan or a goose.

(bird squawking)

It's just a blue jay.

That's a pretty big blue jay.




Go! Shoo!
Am-scray, ird-bay!

Bird in the apartment!

Bird in the apartment!


So it is an amazing

They need the electricity from
the dam, but at the same time,

they want to preserve
the environment.

You're kidding me.

Uh, can I see you
for a sec over here?

Oh, yeah. Sure.
Just one sec?

No problem.

What's up?

I know what you're doing.

What am I doing?
You're going out of your way

to talk to that guy because
I said we weren't on a date.

No, I'm talking to him
because he's cute.

Come on, he's not that cute.

Yes, he is.

With his dorky T-shirt
and his little hipster glasses.

I wear dorky T-shirts
and glasses.

Yes, but when you're tall
and have great cheekbones,

you're doing it ironically.

If that's so, what if I
start talking to a girl?

You should!

I'm serious.
I'll do it.

Good! Go! There are some
girls right over there.

What are you waiting for?

They're in a group.
I'm scared.

Sheldon, what do you
expect us to do?

You're biologists.

Biology is the study
of living things.

That's a living thing;
get cracking.

I specialize in microorganisms,

and Amy studies brains.

Yeah, neither of us
minored in bird-shooing.

Oh, come now.

Your undergraduate work
must have included

a varmints and critters class.

Come back in, Sheldon,
he's not going to hurt you.

He looks friendly.

I think he might
be someone's pet.

No, Bernadette, don't be a hero!

Oh, he's a sweetie.

Yes. It's very sweet.

Now, slowly and carefully,

flush him down the toilet.

Sheldon, the only way
to get past this fear

is to interact with it.

Just like you did
with the mailman.

Every year tens of people around
the world are killed by birds.

I'm not going to be
another statistic.

Look how sweet he is.
Come over and say .

Come on.

You can do it.

Don't be scared.

Come on.

Oh, just pet the bird,
you big baby!


I did it!

I actually did it.

Okay, now flush him.

So, Leonard,
what do you do for fun?

I'm... let's see.


Karaoke in Koreatown.

Any Jennifer Aniston movie.

Hey. Sorry I ditched you.

No, it's fine.
You can ditch away.
Oh, no, no.

We said we were going to
hang out, let's hang out.

It's cool.
Go back to Kevin.

Oh, he had to leave.


So now that he's gone,
you want to hang out with me.

This must be Penny.

I totally get it.

Huh? I'm sorry, get what?

Don't worry about it. You know,
there's some guys over there.

You should go talk to them.

No, no. I want to
know what you told her.

That's kind of
between me and...


Oh. Okay, I see.

So while he was telling
you things, did he mention

he owns not one,
but two Star Trek uniforms?

Yeah. Wears them.

Not just for Halloween.

Hey, pal.

You didn't see me telling
Kevin that you thought

cold wars were only
fought in winter.

Okay. Then I'll return the
favor, and I won't tell...


that half the dirty movies
you own are animated.

When you were telling Kevin
about your acting career,

did you mention your
long-running role as "Waitress"

in a local production of
The Cheesecake Factory?

Did you tell her about
your lucky asthma inhaler?

Oh, yeah? Spell "asthma."


Take me home.

Maybe I'm not done
hanging out with...

You're right,
it's getting late.

It's remarkable.

All that time spent in fear.

And for what?

He's magnificent.


Oh, dear.

I just realized I haven't
offered you a beverage.

Oh, it's just like my grandma
with her parrot.

And after she lost her marbles
with her remote control.

My phone's on the desk
over there.

Take a picture of us together.

Make it good enough
to go on a mug,

a mouse pad, and a calendar.

If you were a dove,
I'd call you Lovey-Dovey.

Oh. Who am I kidding?

This isn't a moment for strict
adherence to the literal.

You're just my little
Lovey-Dovey, aren't you?

Guess you gotta
have hollow bones

to get some sugar around here.

I still think he looks
like someone's pet.

Maybe we should put up posters.

Yes. It should have
a big picture of him,

and the words, "Is this
your bird? Not anymore."

We're going to have
so much fun together.

You can carry messages
to all my enemies.

I can tie a string to your leg
and fly you like a kite.

If you're keeping him,
I've got a cage you can borrow.

One of the test monkeys
slipped on a banana peel

and broke his neck.

It was both tragic
and hysterical.


No. Lovey-Dovey doesn't
sleep in a cage.

No. Lovey-Dovey sleeps
in his very own nest,

which I'm going to get
off the windowsill

and put in my room.

Isn't that right, LD?


Where are you going?

Come back, Lovey-Dovey!

This is your home now!

I already ordered 20 pounds
of bird feed off of Amazon!

He's gone.

I'm sorry, Sheldon.

How could he do this to me?

Get back here, you stupid bird,
so I can love you!

Okay. So...
we went out,

saw a movie,
met some nice people,

said horrible things
about each other in public...

all in all,
a pretty magical night.

Okay, I'm not innocent
in all this,

but you basically called me
stupid, you asthmatic dumbass.

I know, I-I-I crossed a line.

And I'm sorry.

Nono, no, hang on.
I really mean it.

And it's not like when we were
going out, I'd just apologize

for everything
so we could end up in be

This is a 100%

"I'm sorry."

(sighs) All right. Thank you.

I'm sorry, too.

Just to be clear,
sex is off the table, right?

Way off.

Maybe we're not ready
to hang out as friends.

I don't know.
Up until the last part,

I was kind of enjoying
take-charge Leonard

with a little backbone.

Picking the movie,
knowing what he wants,

a little cocky.


Well, then, I'm putting
sex back on the table.

What do you think about that?

Ooh. Maybe I like it.

You do? Because if that's what
you like, I can be that guy.

I swear, I'll be anything
you want me to be.

Good night, Leonard.

(door slams)

I am such an asthmatic dumbass.

I had a weird night.

Mine w great.

I'm going to be a mommy.