The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 10 - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition - full transcript

When Stuart meets Amy as she accompanies Sheldon to the comic book store, Stuart feels they had a moment. As such, Stuart wants to ask her out on a date. Not knowing what Amy's relationship status with Sheldon is, Stuart asks Leonard to ask Sheldon if it's OK for him to ask her out. Sheldon's ultimate response is that Amy is not his possession, so she is free to do whatever she wants. In reality, Sheldon's indirect allowance for Amy to date Stuart is only in the belief that Amy has no interest in Stuart. Sheldon's wrong as Amy does agree to go out with Stuart. Sheldon has to figure out what his true feelings for Amy are, and if they are in the realm of boyfriend/girlfriend, he has to figure out what to do to get her back.

It's amazing people keep coming
to comic book stores...

...instead ofjust downloading
comics digitally.

It's probably for the best.

For a lot of these guys,
the weekly trip here... the only chance their mom has to go
to the basement and change their sheets.


Oh, that reminds me,
I get fresh sheets tonight. Yay.

WeIl, what do you think
of new comic book night?

Magic, huh?

Sheldon, l'm disappointed.

As a brilliant man,
you're entitled to a vice.

I could understand frequenting
an opium den...

...or hunting your fellow man
for sport.

But this? Lame-o.

A, comic books employ storytelling
through sequential art...

...a medium that dates back 1 7,000 years
to the cave paintings of Lascaux...

...and B, you play the harp,
Iike that's cool.

Can I heIp you find anything?

A comic that depicts a woman whose
bosom can't be used as a flotation device.

Sorry. Most of the guys
who come in here like big boobs.

A couple of them have big boobs.

The new WarIords of Ka'a
expansion pack is out.

A new one? Unbelievable.

They just keep making up
more cheesy monsters...

...slapping them on cards
and selling them at 25 bucks a pop.

It's like a secret tax on guys
who can't get laid.

They're not even trying. Remember the
Satanimals pack with the Hellephant?

Absurd. What was he, a bad elephant
who died and went to heIl?

What could an elephant possibly do that
would cause him eternal damnation?

"Wild West and Witches."

What kind of loser
cares about a showdown...

...between Billy the Kid
and the White Wizard of the North? Heh.

A total loser.

Obviously, a guy with a six-shooter
beats an old man with a magic wand.

WeIl, ho-- hold on.

Uh, what if the wizard casts
a helmet-of-confusion spell...

...on Billy the Kid's cowboy hat?

What? Please.
This is Billy the Kid we're talking about.

The wizard would get shot
before he could get out the words:

"What the hell is BilIy the Kid doing
in the mystic realm of Ka'a?"

Leonard, ahem...


Are you interested in Amy?

WeIl, I mean,
she didn't look through me...

...with soul-sucking, ball-shriveIing
hatred and contempt.

I like that in a woman.

Could you run it by Sheldon
if l could ask her out?

Sure, I guess.

Stuart, settle an argument for us.

Who would win,
Billy the Kid or the white Wizard?


If I tell you that, I'm robbing you
of the hours of fun you could have...

...for the magical, rootin'-tootin
Iow price of 24.95.

-I'll take one.
-Mm. Make it two.

I hate all of you and myself. Three.

I'll ring it up.

Like shooting nerds in a barrel.

Hey, can l talk to you about something?
It's a little awkward.

I know what this is about.

Given the professional standstiIl
you're at...'re wondering
if this is the appropriate time... abandon your research
and focus on teaching.


And if I may suggest,
consider changing disciplines.

Yeah, to the humanities.
Perhaps, history.

One of the advantages
of teaching history... that you don't have
to create things.

You know, you just have to remember
stuff that happened...

...and then parrot it back.

You could have fun with that.

Yeah, that's not it.

Stuart's kind of interested in Amy.

WeIl, of course, he is.
She's very interesting.

Did you know, when she was 14...

...she severed the webbing
between her own toes?

No. Uh....

He wanted me to find out if you'd have
a problem with him asking her out.

WeIl, I'm not sure how to respond,

I mean, I don't own Amy.
You can't own a person.

At least, not since....

1 863.

President Lincoln freed the....

The slaves. Come on, Leonard,
if you're gonna teach history...

...these are the kind of facts
you'll have to know.

You know what? Never mind.
I'm gonna telI him it's okay to ask her out.

The question is moot.
There is no way that Stuart... impoverished peddler
of picture books...

...would be at all appealing
to Amy Farrah Fowler...

...a noted neurobiologist...

...capable of performing surgery
on her own feet...

...with nothing but nitrous oxide from
cans of whipped cream as anesthesia.

AIl right, but for the record...

...I checked in with you
to see how you'd feeI about it.

Fine. The record shall so reflect.

Now, getting back
to the problem at hand...

...what to do with a washed-up
experimental physicist.

I am not washed-up.

Oh, Leonard.

Lots of people Iove you
and want to heIp you...

...but they can't
until you admit the problem.

Ugh. well, ladies, we killed the bottle.

-I had half a glass.
-I didn't have any.

Okay, don't judge me.

So, what do you wanna do?
Go to the movies, go dancing...

...lay down for a little bit? Ahem.

Or we play...

...Travel Twister.

Amy, really? Twister?

Excuse me, l've passed many
an enjoyable evening playing this game.

And l'm sure it's a lot more exciting
when you play with other people.

What do you say, bestie? We can do
shirts and skins. I'm shirts. Called it.


I'm too small for Twister.
And roller coasters.

And sitting with my feet on the floor.

Hope you enjoyed
the prenatal cigarettes, mom.

Hey, my mom smoked pot
when she was pregnant with me...

...and I turned out just fine.

Hey, look, l have peach schnapps.
Thank God.

-Guys, something happened.
-What's wrong?

I think a boy likes me.

"Hi. lt's Stuart.
We met at the comic book store.

I was wondering if you'd like to get
coffee sometime. It's okay if you say no.

It might be the kick in the pants l need
to start taking Zoloft."

Amy, you little vixen.

Just working it under alI those layers
of wool and polyester.

What are you gonna do?
Doesn't he know you have a boyfriend?

Oh, she doesn't have a boyfriend,
she has a Sheldon.

-So do you like Stuart?
-I don't know.

He's nice. He's funny.
He has the sallow-drawn countenance...

...associated with an overactive
thyroid gland. That's kind of hot.

Look, sweetie, we all love Sheldon, but
you've been with him over a year now.

If it's not going anywhere,
what does it hurt to look around?

Yeah, l guess they're not engaged
Iike me and Howie.

For what it's worth, engaged people can
Iook around too. Lot of options out there.

Where's Stuart?



-Who are you?
-I'm Dale. He left me in charge.


I don't get it either.

I wanna return this Wild West
and Witches Ka'a expansion pack.

Sorry, I don't do returns. They're hard.

Sure, sure.

-Uh, when will Stuart be back?
-I don't know. He went out for coffee.

With a girl.


Ah. I guess I was wrong.

You okay?

Am l okay?
Leonard, I'm on a lifeIong trajectory...

...that includes a Nobel Prize
and cities named after me.

AIl four wisdom teeth fit comfortably
in my mouth without need of extraction...

...and my bowel movements run
Iike a German train schedule.

Am l okay?

I'm okay too.

Wild Bill Witchcock.

A tribe of Abra-Comanches.

Flaming Spittoon.

And for the record,
I'm very disappointed in you, cowpokes.

We're pIaying our inaugural round
of Wild West and witches...

...and I'm the only one who bothered
to dress for the occasion.


We're not wearing cowboy hats,
Sheldon. lt looks ridicuIous.

And l suppose my boots and spurs
are ridiculous too?

RAJESH: Incredibly so.

Did it look ridiculous
when we got the Satanimals pack...

...and I dressed up as a Beelzebobcat?

RAJESH: Incredibly so.

AIl right, fine. Let's just play.

We should go easy on him.
Amy's out with Stuart tonight.

Wait a minute. Are you telling me...

...that Sheldon's patented blend
of condescension and no sex...

...isn't enough to hold on to a woman?

Cluck. Cluck. Cluck.
What are we, ladies at a quilting bee?

Or are we men
playing a fantasy card game...

...set in a magical frontier town?


Creepy Tepee.

Annie Ogly.

Hocus Pocus Pocahontas.

And may l point out,
it is the three of you...

...who are obsessed
with Stuart and Amy, not me.

I think you need to ask yourselves
who's really being ridiculous here.


-It's you.
-You are.

Hey, guys, check it out.

The deIuxe limited edition
Wild West and Witches expansion pack... the signed and numbered
collector's tin.

Come on, no.
We just bought the regular pack.

Ooh. A sheriff's badge. Ha, ha.

Yeah, it's also a wand.

With a hologram? Nice.

Hey, do you see this?

I'm in the matrix, Leonard,
I see everything.

You gotta be kidding me.
You friended Stuart on Facebook?

-I thought you didn't like Facebook.
-Don't be silly.

I'm a fan of anything that tries to replace
actual human contact.

PIease. You're looking at Facebook
to find out how their date went.

Really? You think I care if a man...

...what, "Shared a pumpkin latte
with a dynamite lady"?

-You're so full of it.
-You're free to believe whatever you like.

And unfriend Rajesh Koothrappali.

You unfriended me? SeriousIy?

Oh, yeah. Now he's gonna miss
all those great updates like:

"l can't believe l waited this Iong...

[lN lNDlAN ACCENT] make my own potpourri." Ha, ha.

Why don't you acknowledge
you have feelings for Amy...

...and don't want her going out
with other men?

And unfriend Leonard Hofstadter.

Here's a radical thought. Go old school.
Challenge Stuart to a fight.

Nothing makes the ladies hotter
than two skinny white guys...

...swatting at each other
with their eyes closed.

And unfriend Howard Wolowitz.

That's all of us. Can l use the laptop?

-I have to buy that stupid collector's tin.

PENNY: Who do we Iove?

HelIo, Sheldon. Come on in.

-Thank you.
-What's up?

I came to ask if you would like
to go on a date with me.

I'm sorry, what?

A date. You and me.

Dining, dancing,
perhaps you'd like to take in a prizefight.


Ugh, God,
are you trying to make Amy jealous?

No. Why is everyone so obsessed
with Amy and Stuart?

Whether or not they may be having more
pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight.

Okay, listen to me.

PIaying games is not gonna help
get Amy back.

I am not trying to get her back.

But out of curiosity, what is a way?

AIl right, honey,
Iet me tell you a story.

There was a guy l Iiked,
and I never told him how I felt.

Eventually, he started going out with
someone else and l always regretted it.

Do you see where l'm going with this?

-I believe l do.

I'm the guy.

You're not the guy.

Are you sure?
That wouId explain so much.

Your constant presence
in my apartment...

...that baffling dalliance with Leonard
just to be near me...

...the way you call me sweetie
all the time.

-I call everyone sweetie.
-You tramp.


Look, Sheldon, alI I'm saying
is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy.

Strap on a pair? Wait. Of what, skates?

Oh, sweetie, you are so not the guy.


If you're bored, you can go.
I understand.

No, I'm having a nice time.


Don't patronize me.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me.
Excuse me.

Pardon me. Excuse me.

-Hi, Stuart.
-Hi, Sheldon.

Pardon me. Excuse me. Excuse me.


Sheldon, what are you doing here?

The thought of you
sitting in a darkened theater...

...with a character like Stuart
is repellent.

-No offense, Stuart.
-None taken.

AIthough repellent
is kind of a strong word.

I'm sorry this causes you discomfort...

...but based on the currently established
parameters of our relationship...

...I can put myself
in any repellent situation I want.

-Um.... Again--
-Stuart, pIease, you're being rude.

Anything else?

I believe l would like to alter
the paradigm of our relationship.

I'm listening.

With the understanding
that nothing changes whatsoever...

...physical or otherwise...

...I would not object
to us no longer characterizing you... "not my girlfriend."

Interesting. Now try it without
the quadruple negative.

You're being impossible.

Hi, Stuart.



...wilI you be my girlfriend?

-WeIl, that's enough of that.

Sorry to interrupt.
You two enjoy your date.

Here's a dollar for your troubles.
Get yourself some Sour Patch Kids.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me.

Other than you taking your relationship
to the next level with another guy...

...this was nice.

Yes, well,
thanks for seeing me to my door.

Oh, you're welcome.


Amy? Amy? Amy?

Let's wrap things up out there.

-Um.... Good night, Stuart.
-Good night.

SHELDON: Take the hint, Stuart.
The lady said good night.

How did you get into my apartment?

Wow. ls that the kind of nagging
I can expect now that you're my girIfriend?

Good thing l drew this up.

What's that?

I present to you
the relationship agreement.

A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages,
enumerates, iterates and codifies...

...the rights and responsibilities
of Sheldon Lee Cooper... and after known as
"the boyfriend"...

...and Amy Farrah Fowler,
here and after known as "the girlfriend."

It's so romantic.

Mutual indemnification always is.

Why don't you start perusing
whiIe l set up my notary stamp.

"Section 5: Hand-holding.

Hand-holding is only aIlowed
under the following circumstances.

A, either party is in danger
of falling off a cliff, precipice or ledge.

B, either party is deserving of a hearty
handshake after winning a Nobel Prize.

C, moral support during flu shots."

-Seems a bit restrictive.
-Yeah, well, feel free to retain a lawyer.

Penny, l said, "Right hand, red."

Yeah, l heard you. l got red. Ahem.


...left foot, yellow.


We should play limbo next.
No one beats me at limbo.


Penny? Amy? Bernadette?

That's my boyfriend.

It's open.

I got a splinter.

What do you want me to do about it?

Relationship Agreement
Section 4: Boo-boos and Ouchies.

You have to take care of it.

I should've gotten a lawyer.

Looks like it's just us playing.



-Penny, we're out of wine.
-You should probably drive.

[English - US - SDH]