The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 8 - The Isolation Permutation - full transcript

Amy is hurt when Penny and Bernadette go bridesmaid dress shopping without her, so she turns to a reluctant Sheldon for comfort.

So, Bernadette, how goes
the hunt for bridesmaid dresses?

Well, if you don't mind
looking like

an orange traffic cone, great.

I have the answer

to our dress problems.


12 years ago,
my cousin Irene

and her entire family died

in a horrific
carbon monoxide accident

the night before her wedding.

That's horrible.

Yes and no.

All those bridesmaids dresses
remain unused

and available to us for free.

So it seems

that cloud of
odorless deadly gas

had a silver lining after all.

Check it out,

still in the bags.

The gowns, not the bridesmaids.

I don't know.

Dead people's dresses?

Yeah, and
cap sleeve


Oh, I was hoping
you wouldn't notice.

Irene was always
a slave to a good bargain

when it came to clothes,

and sadly as it turned out,
space heaters.

Ladies, please.

These four walls once housed
an intellectual salon

where the mind
received nourishment

as well as the stomach.

But through no one's fault,

the quality of
dinner conversation

in this apartment
has declined.

And again, I'm looking at
no one in particular, Penny.


What would you like
to talk about, Sheldon?

"What would you like
to talk about, Sheldon?"

Why do you hate us?

I've prepared a number of topics

that should appeal
to both the advanced

and novice

Okay, that time
you looked at me.

Who didn't?

Your skin is
like alabaster.

Do you even
have pores?

"Faster-than-light particles
at CERN--

"paradigm-shifting discovery

or another Swiss export as
full of holes as their cheese?"

And converse.

All right, who wants to go

to my apartment and look at
bridal magazines?

Oh, me.

Through no one's fault, Sheldon,
we're leaving.

Wait for moi.

You're leaving?

Sheldon, sometimes you forget,
I'm a lady.

And with that comes

an estrogen-fueled need
to page through

thick glossy magazines
that make me hate my body.

New topic: women.

Delightfully mysterious
or bat-crap crazy?


What's wrong with cap sleeves?

If you have the right figure
for it, they're adorable.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

The Big Bang Theory 5x08
The Isolation Permutation
Original Air Date on November 3, 2011

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Hey, Amy, what brings you
to our neck of the woods?

Your neurology department
loaned me a culture of prions

for my research on bovine
spongiform encephalopathy.

She popped by to borrow
a cup of mad cow disease.

It's hard to make degenerative
brain maladies hilarious,

and yet somehow you do it.

That's fun to have
in a lunchroom.

The real fun starts
when you get to pick the rat

you're going to feed it to,
and maybe you choose

the beady-eyed little mother
who's been biting you all week.

Please, we're eating.

Can we get that
off the table

and change the subject?

Can we?

Stand back...

while I turn this conversation
into a "conver-sensation."

This time, it's your fault.

I have 100
alphabetized topics from

"artichoke-- come on, people,
it's just a giant thistle,"

to "zzz-- the onamona-poetry
of sleep."

Amy, how long
would it take

for that mad cow disease
to kill me?

I don't know,
four or five years.

No, it's not gonna do it.

Oy. Bernadette keeps
texting me pictures

of Penny in bridesmaid dresses.

They're out shopping right now?


Just the two of them?

I guess.

That's cool, that's cool.

Why are they asking me
about this stuff?

What guy knows
what a sweetheart neckline is?

Leonard's coming down
the home stretch!

Come on, horsey,
you can do this!

Damn. Come on, thigh muscles,
you can do this!

Yes! First place.

I would have been a great jockey
if I weren't too tall.

And scared of horses.

Sheldon, you're up.


Come on, it's your turn.

We said we'd get more fresh air.


I'm a little distracted.

I can't seem
to get in touch with Amy.

I tried e-mail, video chat,

tweeting her,
posting on

her Facebook wall,
texting her, nothing.

Did you try calling her
on the telephone?

The telephone.

You know, Leonard,
in your own simple way,

you may be the wisest of us all.

Voice mail.

Curiouser and curiouser.

If you're worried,
we can go over there

and see if she's all right.


You know, I heard
in the news

a bobcat has been spotted
in her neighborhood.

I don't think
Amy was eaten by a bobcat.

Who thinks Amy was
eaten by a bobcat?

You do?

Leonard, I was just mentioning
an interesting local news item.

Now, thanks to you, I'm worried
Amy's been eaten by a bobcat.

Forget about the bobcat.

How can I?
You won't stop talking about it!

♪ Everybody hurts ♪

♪ Sometimes ♪

♪ Everybody cries ♪

♪ Everybody hurts ♪


She sounds weepy.

I don't like weepy. Let's go.


She's your friend.

Step up.

Amy. Amy. Amy.


Where are you going?

I'm single, I don't
need this crap.

Sheldon, what are you
doing here?

You didn't respond to

any of my electronic

I wanted to be alone.

Would you like to talk about it?

And keep in mind that "no"
is a perfectly viable answer.

Sheldon, my world is
crumbling around me.

Point of order.

As you're in distress,
it would be customary

for me to offer you
a hot beverage.

But I'm a guest in your home,

so it would be customary for you
to offer me a beverage.

How do you want to proceed
vis-à-vis beverages?

It doesn't matter.

Nothing matters.

If you'd like to take your mind
off what's troubling you,

uh, word on the street is
a bobcat has been spotted.

Penny and Bernadette
went shopping

for bridesmaids dresses
without me.

And that made
you feel... sad?


I knew it.

Just keep going.

I guess I'm
good at this.

It's just, I thought
they liked hanging out with me,

but I guess I was
fooling myself.

When they were
over here,

did you fail to offer
them a beverage?

'Cause I can see how that
could stick in someone's craw.

Sheldon, I'm going
to ask you something,

and I'd like you
to keep an open mind.


At this moment, I find myself

craving human intimacy
and physical contact.

Oh, boy.

You know ours is a
relationship of the mind.


One wild night
of torrid lovemaking

that soothes my soul
and inflames my loins.


I will gently
stroke your head

and repeat, "Aw,
who's a good Amy""

How about this?

French kissing--
seven minutes in heaven

culminating in second base.

Neck massage...

...then you get me
that beverage.

We cuddle. Final offer.

Very well.

Oh, boy.

I'm just saying,
second base is right there.

Mm, I'm thinking
about adopting

some quirky affectation,
like a pipe or a monocle

or a handlebar mustache.

For all those girls out there

looking for
the Indian Monopoly man?

This is not a safe place.

You can't share anything here.

The two of you need to get
your women in line!


Last night I was strong-armed

into an evening
of harp music and spooning

with an emotional
Amy Farrah Fowler.

This on a night

that I had originally
designated for solving

the space-time geometry
in higher-spin gravity

and building my Lego Death Star.

And why? Your gal pals,
Penny and Bernadette,

went out shopping for some
wedding nonsense without Amy,

an action they took
with no thought or regard

as to how it would affect me,
the future of string theory

or my Lego fun time!

What do you want us
to do about it?

You clearly weren't listening
to my topic sentence:

Get your women in line!

You make them apologize to Amy
and set things right.

I am a man of science,
not someone's snuggle bunny!

Why do I have
to talk to Penny?

She's not my girlfriend.

You invited her to lunch
four years ago.

Everything about her is on you;
you make it so!

- Moo-shu is Penny.
- Thank you.

Where's Sheldon?

He was up late last night,

so I gave him an early dinner
and put him to bed.

That's so sweet.

Yeah, but now he's gonna be
up at dawn and want to play.

So, listen, guys,

the reason he was up late
is because he was

taking care of Amy.

She's kind of upset.


Her feelings got hurt
because you guys

went dress shopping without her.

I told you that
would happen.

Okay, look, this is her first
time being a bridesmaid

and she's just getting
a little crazy with it.

She keeps on telling us
stories about bridesmaid

traditions in other cultures,
and they're all about

getting naked and
washing each other.

Yeah, and
she keeps trying

to figure out if our
cycles have synced up

so we can call ourselves
"The Three Menstra-Teers""

We thought it would be easier to look
at dresses one time without her.

I feel terrible.

I know. Me, too.
We'll talk to her.

Hey, wait,

how did she find out?

Raj did it.

And he says he
would do it again.

Hey, I'm sorry.

You sent me the picture;
I wasn't thinking.

- Oh, Howie.
- Well, hey, I'm usually

pretty good at
not blabbing.

You tell me
tons of stuff

about these guys,
and I never repeat it.

- What do you tell him?
- Oh,

you know, just pillow talk.

You guys have nothing
to worry about.

Hold on, did you talk about us
when we were dating?

No. All your little
secrets are fine.

Yes, absolutely fine.

I'll tell you later.

Come on, tumor.

Come on, tumor, Mama needs an
aggressive little glioblastoma.

Yay, brain tumor!

Probably not the same reaction
you had when you got the news.

- Hi.
- Hello.

What are you doing here?

Well, look, we just
wanted to apologize

for not bringing you
with us the other day.

That's not necessary--
it's like Sesame Street says:

"One of these things
is not like the other,

one of these things
should die alone."

Come on, Amy, let us
make it up to you.

We'll have a girl's night;

we'll do whatever
you want.

We can go down
to the Korean baths

and do that thing
you were talking about

where we wash each other.

With-with loofah mitts,
no hands.

It's okay.
I'm glad this happened.

I can stop pretending
that some beautiful girl

and her cute-in-
the-right-light friend

want to hang out with me.

Amy, we're really sorry.

Yeah, we
feel awful.

Don't. I'll be okay.
You're not the first girls

I thought were friends with me
who ended up shunning me.

It's like elementary school,
junior high,

high school, undergrad,
grad school,

and that semester abroad
in Norway all over again.

Oh, come on, Amy.

You don't get it.

Look at this brain.

I don't really want to.

This is us.

you are the analytical,

scientific left hemisphere.

Penny, you're the creative,
spontaneous right hemisphere.

And where's Amy?

She's right here--
the sad little tumor

no one wants to go
dress shopping with.

Amy, you're not a tumor.

Penny, tell her
she's not a tumor.

Did you know that when
Alexander Graham Bell

invented the telephone,

he proposed answering
it with "ahoy"?


I like it.

Amy? Is that you?

Have you been drinking?

I'm sorry, I bet my sweet what?

Well, all right.
We're on our way.

What's going on?

It would seem Amy is drunk
in a liquor store parking lot.

Really? Amy?

Leonard, be glad
you can't keep a woman.

They are a handful.

Oh, look.

It's Sheldon and little Leonard.

Hi, little Leonard.

Hi, Amy.

Hey, Cuddles.


Yes, Cuddles.
We cuddled.

Grow up, Leonard.

- Amy, what are you doing here?
- Well,

I came here to get
a bottle of wine

like Penny taught me to do
when you're sad.

Yeah, but why didn't you
go back to your apartment?

Didn't you go
to high school, Leonard?

Parking lots are where
all the cool kids hang out.

Not that the rat bastards
ever invited me.

Maybe we should
get you home.

Oh, hang on, hang on,
hang on. Sheldon,

what would it take for you
to go into that liquor store,

buy a bottle of hooch,

take me across the
street to that motel,

and have your way with me?

Yeah, Sheldon,
what would it take?

I'm begging both of you,
please, let's go.


Come on.

- Upsy-daisy.
- Whee!

Ooh, finally someone
found second base.

I know how you feel.

I got a knife slicing
through my frontal lobe, too.


What do you want?

Do you want me to give
the friendship bracelet back?

I never gave you
a friendship bracelet.

When we first met, I made one
and pretended you gave it to me.

You can have it back
if you want.

No, you made that for you;
I want you to have it.

We know you're upset,
and you have every right to be,

but if it's okay with you,
we'd like a second chance

to make things right.

We are really sorry,

and we were trying to think
of some way to show you

how much we
care about you.

Which is why

it would mean so much
if you would agree

to be the maid of honor
at my wedding.

What? Wait, is this some kind
of practical joke?

Like in Norway,
when my "friends"

trapped me in a sauna
with a horny otter?

No. I-I want you to be
the maid of honor.

Oh, my gosh.

No one's every asked me to be
the maid of honor before.

Well, that's not true.

Once, but then they all died.

So is that a yes?

Yes. Yes.

Oh, my gosh,

I-I have so much to do.

There's the bridal shower
and the bachelorette party.

What should we do for
the bachelorette party?

Oh, I know-- we'll go to
a Native American sweat lodge,

we'll take peyote,
roll around in the mud,

and paint fertility symbols
on Bernadette's naked body.

So that's happening.

Yeah, sure, sure.

Vegas is fun, too.

I feel like crying.

Of course, I could
just be hormonal.

Oh, wait. Maybe our menses are
finally syncing up. Bernadette?

No? Penny?

- Sorry.
- Really?

Okay, yeah.


Maid of honor
Amy Farrah Fowler's

amazing behind-the-scenes
wedding video,

take one.

We're just trying on dresses--

do we really need
to record this?

I'm sorry, are you
the maid of honor?

I am the bride.

So no. And action.

What do you think?

I love it!

What are you, a nun?

Come on, bestie,
let's see some skin.

Amy! Looking sexy!

You think they don't
have mirrors in there?

I know how I look.


Bernadette, you
look beautiful!

- You do.
- Thank you.

Not Penny beautiful,
but beautiful.

Come on, bestie,
you're up.

Give me a minute.

What is taking
you so long?

Oh, Amy!
Get the hell out of here!

- Sorry, sorry.
- Oh, God.

- Amy!
- Sorry.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==