The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 5 - The Russian Rocket Reaction - full transcript

Sheldon takes offense when Leonard wants to attend a party with Wil Wheaton, while Bernadette tries to block Howard's opportunity to go into outer space.

It's from Game of Thrones.

- What do you think?
- I don't know.

If we're going to start
a fantasy sword collection...

And I've long thought we should.

...Is this really the sword to start with?

What did you have in mind?

Well, off the top of my head,
I'd have to go with Excalibur.

It gives you the right to rule England.

It would be a replica of a movie prop.

Fair enough.

It would give you the right
to rule a replica of England.

Well, they don't have an Excalibur here,
so, what do you want to do?

Ugh, tough decision.

There's no weaponry
from Lord of the Rings...

...forged in a Chinese sweatshop?

Mm-hm, just Bilbo Baggins'
sword over there.

Two grown men with a hobbit's dagger,
wouldn't we look silly?

- Okay, let's go for it.
- Heh.

Oh, I see you guys have found
my little treasure.

Yeah, pfft, it's okay, I guess.

Okay? It's magnificent.


What do you want for it?

Oh, it's hard to
put a price on something...

...that's a copy of something
that was on pay cable.

But for my friends, let's say 250.

- Ooh, that's pretty steep.
- It's a limited edition.

They only made 8000 of these
bad boys.

Only 8000.
We're wasting precious time. Buy it.

Hang on. Can you do any better?

I'm already giving
you the friends and family discount.

Oh, did you hear that?
The friends and family discount.

We are honored and we will take it.

Slow down. Two hundred.

What are you doing?
250 is already a discounted price.

- Will you shut up?
- Tell you what, I'll go 235.

Nope. Maybe another time.

- Okay, 225, my final offer.
- Take it, take it.

- Two hundred.
- Man, you're killing me.

Killing you? I can't breathe.

Two ten and I'm losing money.

Oh, no, we can't let him lose money,
Leonard. I'm so sorry.

Two ten and you throw in
the Iron Man helmet.

Are you crazy? That helmet's
signed by Robert Downey, Jr.


If you're gonna question
the importance of a signature...

...on a plastic helmet from a movie
based on a comic book...

...then all of our lives
have no meaning.

- Okay, fine. Just the sword, 210.
- Thank you. I can eat meat this week.

See that? I just saved us 40 bucks.

I've long said that what you lack
in academic knowledge... make up for in street smarts.

- You want me to wrap it?
- No, it's okay.

I'm gonna stab my friend in the chest.

- Hey, Stuart.
- Ah, hey, Wil.

Hello, Wil Wheaton.

- Hi, Sheldon. Nice sword.
- It's part of my sword collection.

- Do you have a sword collection?
- No.

Heh, I'm not surprised.

Here's the Batman six twelve...

...with the Jim Lee alternate cover
that you wanted.

- Oh, awesome. What do I owe you?
- Forty bucks.

- Good deal.
- Sucker.

He didn't even ask
for the friends and family discount.

I'm having a party on Friday
and I was hoping you would stop by.

- Will there be girls there?
- Of course.

Because there wasn't last time.

There will be girls.

You guys are invited
if you want to come by.

- Thank you.
- All right, great. Later.

I see what you're doing.

You accept an invitation to a party
at the home of my sworn enemy.

He tells everyone
we're going to be there.

And when we don't show,
he looks the fool. Fiendishly clever.

I was actually thinking about going.

And then declaring the party
a fiasco and storming out...

...leaving him humiliated
in front of his guests. Love it.

No, I was gonna grab Raj
and Howard and have a good time.

Ah, great, more guys.

It's gonna be another Wil Wheaton

- Sheldon, can you grab me a water?
- Possibly.

- Can you or can't you?
- It's not that simple, Leonard.

It never is, is it?

At this moment,
our relationship exists... two mutually contradictory states.

Until you either do not go
or go to Wil Wheaton's party... are simultaneously
my friend and not my friend.

I'm characterizing this phenomenon
as Schrödinger's friendship.

- Got it. Can I have my water?
- Yeah, of course.

Now get it yourself, you traitor.

- Wait, what is going on?
- In case you have forgotten...

- ...Schrödinger's cat is a thought...
- No, I didn't forget.

Um, there's this cat in a box
and until you open it...'s either dead or alive or both.

Although our cat got stuck
in my brother's camp trunk...

...and we did not need to open it to know
there was all kinds of dead cat in there.

Homespun stories, knowledge
of physics and a bosom that defies it.

You're the whole package,
aren't you?

Sorry I'm late. Ugh, I got great news.

NASA picked my team's design
for the deep field space telescope...

...that's going on the
International Space Station this spring.

- Oh, woo, heh.
- Wow, heh.

- Howie, that's wonderful! Congratulations!
- Uh, heh.

It gets better. Someone has
to go up with the telescope... a payload specialist,
and guess who that someone is, heh.

Muhammad Li.

Who's Muhammad Li?

Muhammad is the most
common first name in the world...

...Li, the most common surname.

As I didn't know the answer, I thought
that gave me a mathematical edge.

It's me, Sheldon. It's me.
I'm going up in space!

Technically, I'm an astronaut.

- Oh, my God.
- That's amazing.

- Heh.
- Hang on a second.

NASA doesn't have a shuttle anymore.

- How are you gonna get up there?
- Oh, uh, it's cool.

You fly to Moscow,
they take you to Kazakhstan.

Then you get in a Russian Soyuz rocket
which shoots you into a low earth orbit.

Or it just sits on the launch pad because
the Kazakhi mafia sold the rocket fuel...

...on the black market, heh.

Are those Russian rockets safe?

Safe as it can be...

...when it was built by the folks
who brought you Chernobyl. Ha, ha.

I'd like to propose a toast.

The dream to go up into space
is one we all share...

...and Howard's making that a reality.
We're all very proud of you.


- That was a lovely toast. Kudos.
- Thank you.

Simultaneously, a festival
of cloying clichés. You sicken me.

You're really quiet. Is everything okay?


Just a little tired.

I hope not too tired because I'm feeling
particularly masculine right now.

All systems go,
if you catch my drift. Heh.

I always catch your drift.

Well, something's obviously
bugging you.

What is it?

I can't believe you signed up for
the space program without talking to me.

I get it. We...
You're worried about me.

That is so sweet. You know,
there's a saying we have at NASA.

What makes the right stuff so right
is that it always comes home.

Just stop talking, Howard.

This isn't the reaction I expected...

...when I told you
I was gonna be an astronaut.

What did you think was gonna happen?

Honestly? Sex, heh.

- Howard.
- Do you realize what a big deal this is?

What an honor it is
to be chosen to go into space?

Yeah, I get it. I just wish
you included me in the decision.

We're supposed to be partners.
We're supposed to be a team.

I'm sorry. You're right.

Uh, okay, let's try this again.

an opportunity has come up...

...that impacts both of us
and I'd like to discuss it.

- Okay.
- Heh, I've been offered a chance... go up to the International
Space Station for three weeks.

What are your thoughts on that?

Well, first of all...

...thank you for including me
in the decision making process.

Hey, we're a team. Heh.

- So, what do you think?
- No.

- No?
- No.


Whoa, why not?

Howard, ugh,
my father was a police officer.

We never knew
from one night to the next...

...if he was gonna come home alive.
It was horrible.

And I don't want to live
that way with you.

Well, hey... father abandoned me
and my mother when I was 11.

We never saw him again.

Oh, boo hoo, you're not going to space.

- Pretty cool about Howard, huh?
- Don't talk to me... if nothing's happened between us.
And yes, it sure is, buddy.

Will you stop
with the Schrödinger stuff?

Would you prefer an application
of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle?

In which I could either
know where you are...

...or whether I like you, but not both?

You never stop talking, do you?

What difference does it make
if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton’s party?

No, Wil Wheaton
is Sheldon's mortal enemy.

- Mortal enemy?
- Mm-hm.

Sheldon, I know you're a bit
of a left-handed monkey wrench but...

- You really have a mortal enemy?
- In fact, I have 61 of them.

- Would you like to see the list?
- Oh, say no, say no, say no, say no.

You just got off the list.
Would you like back on it?

This'll just take a moment.
It's on a five and a quarter inch floppy.

- A floppy disk?
- Well, I started the list when I was 9.

How did Wil Wheaton get on the list?

- Oh, God.
- Come on.

As a child, I loved Wesley Crusher...

...Wil Wheaton's character
on Star Trek.

So I drove for hours by bus
to a Star Trek convention... which Wil Wheaton
was scheduled to appear... that I could get
my Wesley Crusher action figure signed.

But he never showed...

...because apparently,
it was "cooler" for him... be the lower-left corner
on Hollywood Squares.

Oh, damn! The floppy failed.

Well, whoever was in charge
of quality control... the Verbatim Corporation in 1989,
congratulations, you just made the list.

- Howard?
- Change your mind about sex?

I'm still mad but I'll do it.

No, I've just been thinking.

It doesn't matter
if I'm afraid for your safety.

I don't want to be the person who stands
between you and your dreams.

- Really?
- Really.

If going into space means that much
I will never say another word about it.

Thank you, heh.

- I love you.
- I love you too, heh.

So sex now?

- Okay.
- Heh.

I just forgot to brush my teeth.
I'll be right back.

Over my dead body,
my son goes into outer space!

I'm ready.

Let me see if I got this right.

You actually asked Bernadette
to leave your house?

What choice did I have?
She went behind my back...

...and turned
my own mother against me.

Wow, you're not
only our first astronaut.

You're also the first one of us
to kick a girl out of bed.

You're like a rock star.

- Little bit, heh.
- I hate to say it...

- ...but she did kind of betray you.
- Interesting.

You see betrayal in others
but not yourself.

Going to Wheaton's party
is not betraying you.

Of course, you would have to believe that.
Evil always thinks it's doing right.


Excuse me, Stormtrooper.
These are the droids you're looking for.

I'm going to a party.

I'm not turning R2-D2
and C-3PO over to the Empire!

Not yet.

What's gonna happen next? Are you
and Bernadette gonna break up?

I don't know. If we're going to get back together,
she's gonna have to apologize...

...and accept that I'm a grown man
who can make his own decisions.

Then she's going to have to convince
your mother to let you go into space.


I had no choice.
I had to tell his mother.

He can't go to space.

He's like a baby bird.

Do you know he once got
an asthma attack...

...from reading an old library book?

- You're kidding.
- No, I was there that day.

Sheldon threw his back out
handing him that book.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I don't want to break up over this.

Why don't you tell him
you made a mistake?

Do you guys think it was a mistake?

Am I the bad guy in this?

It's not for us to judge. We're here
to provide comfort and support...

...while you come to grips with
what a despicable thing you've done.

Oh, God, you're right.

I took our love and
threw it under his bus-sized mother.

- I need to apologize.
- That's good, I'm glad you came to that.

But before you do, let me just
ask you a big picture question.


Are you a hundred percent positive
you love...

...and want to marry
Howard Wolowitz?

- I do, with all my heart.
- Tsk, got it. Just had to check.

He's great.

All right, Sheldon.
We're going to Wil's.

- This is your last chance.
- No, Leonard, this is your last chance.

One day, a historian
is going to come to you and say:

"Is it true you were friends
with Dr. Sheldon Cooper?"

And you're going to have to choke back
a hot sob of regret and humiliation... you mumble,
"I was, but I chose to go to a party...

...thrown by the one kid from
Stand By Me that no one remembers."

- You want to drive?
- Sure.

- Hey, Sheldon?
- Oh, good. You picked me, you picked me.

No, I just got a text from Stuart.
Brent Spiner is at the party.

- Brent Spiner?
- Yes.

I don't care.

Really? Brent Spiner,
Mr. Data himself. You love him.

I did, but I think
I've kind of outgrown Star Trek.

You know, stock characters,
ludicrous plots, beam me up.

What a load of hooey.

I'm going.
Live long and prosper, Sheldon.

Yeah, even that. You look like a dork.

Howard, Bernadette's here!

Tell her I'm not home!

What kind of a schmuck
play is that? She can hear you shouting!

- Can we talk?
- You can. I have nothing to say.

All right.

I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry
I said something to your mother.

I was gonna tell her eventually
but you went behind my back.

I know. I'm sorry.

- I got scared.
- If you're gonna love me...'re gonna have
to love the whole package.

The tenderhearted poet
and the crazy daredevil.

- I know.
- Don't say it if you're not gonna mean it.

I'm not just gonna stop
with the space station.

Yeah, I want to go to the moon,
I want to go to Mars.

I want to take a one-man sub
to the lowest depths of the ocean.

Really? You got seasick
on Pirates of the Caribbean.

Well, those big kids were rocking it, heh.

I just did what I did
because I love you so much...

...and the thought of losing you
is more than I can handle.

- Really?
- You're my soul mate.

- This is where you kiss me.
- Right, right, heh.

Make up all you want!
Your tokus is not leaving this planet!

Hey, you know that beautiful actress...

...who plays the Borg Queen
in First Contact?

- Yeah.
- Well, I just met her gynecologist.

- What are you doing here?
- Fighting for our friendship.

As peculiar and annoying as you can be,
you're still my little buddy.

I'm not going to let that
end here tonight.

Now put down that drink,
let's meet Brent Spiner and go home.

Hey, Sheldon,
I'm so glad you made it.

I found something
I think you might like.

What I'd like is for him
to have a more depressing home.

This is quite lovely.

This is for you.

An original mint-in-package
Wesley Crusher action figure.

I remembered your story about
the time you went to a convention... get one signed and I didn't show.
Look at what I wrote.

"To Sheldon, sorry this took so long.
Your friend, Wil Wheaton."

It's my last one.
I want you to have it.

Look, everyone.
Wil Wheaton is my friend!

Oh, wow. I haven't seen
one of these in years.

Remember how we used to make these
things look like they were masturbating?

Brent Spiner, what have you done?

That was a mint-in-package
Wesley Crusher action figure.

Signed by my close personal friend,
Wil Wheaton.

Sorry, Slim. I've got some Mr. Data dolls
in the trunk of my car.

You want me to sign one for you?

You've already signed something,
Brent Spiner.

Your name on my list.

From this moment on,
you are my mortal enemy.

Don't worry. It doesn't take up
a whole lot of your time.

Come on, buddy. Let's not waste
another second on this loser.

Love your house.

- Can we get autographed dolls?
- Sure.

Twenty bucks.


- Eighteen.
- Twelve.

- Sixteen.
- Two for 30.

And you come to my birthday party.