The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - The Wiggly Finger Catalyst - full transcript

Especially with Howard and Bernadette's impending marriage, everyone, including Raj himself, is feeling sorry for Raj not having a girlfriend. The problem of Raj finding a girlfriend or one of his friends finding him a girlfriend is his inability to speak to women unless intoxicated. Penny, however, thinks she's come up with the perfect girl who at least gets around that talking issue. Emily, who Penny knows solely from her spin class, is deaf. Despite initially needing Howard to translate since Howard knows ASL - Howard who feels he needs to take poetic license in translating what Raj wants to say - Raj and Emily seem to hit it off. Raj quickly falls head over heals in love with her, and the gang believes Emily has fallen head over heels in love with Raj. However, they soon change their minds about Emily's feelings, believing that she has only one selfish interest in Raj, which makes them see Raj in a slightly different light. As the one who got Raj into the relationship, Penny feels she has to take whatever measure necessary to get him out of it, which Raj may or may not appreciate or fully understand. Meanwhile, to free up his brain for more important matters, Sheldon is leaving all trivial decisions of his life literally up to the roll of the dice.

"The entrance to the dungeon
is a moss covered door.

"You manage to open it
only to find yourself

"face-to-face with a hideous,

moss-covered ogre."

What do you do?

I say, "Hey, Ma,
what's for dinner?"


The ogre is amused by your joke
and allows you to pass.

By the by, I liked it, too.

How go the wedding plans,

We spent five hours last night

at Macy's registering for gifts.

Looks like I'm finally going
to have

that darling little earthenware
asparagus dish

I've always wanted.

See, this is the good thing

about having a girlfriend
9,000 miles away.

I can spend my nights
doing whatever I want.

You mean like playing nerd games
with us

and then taking
a suspiciously long shower?


We enter the dungeon.

You see a dragon.

Really? So we're playing
Dungeons & Dragons

and we walk into a dungeon
and see a dragon?

Isn't that a little
on the nose?

When you play Chutes and
Ladders, do you complain

about all the chutes
and all the ladders?

Are you gonna eat
that whole pie?

Maybe. Why not?

Who do I have in my life
to watch my figure for?

Oh, God, did you watch
Bridget Jones again?

No, it's just that
everybody's got someone.

Sheldon's with Amy,
Howard's getting married,

you're dating my sister.

Now that Howard's
getting married,

maybe he'll inflate one of
his old girlfriends for you.

You know who I blame
for my loneliness?

The United States of America.

Your movies and your TV shows
promised streets paved

with beautiful blonde women
with big bazongas.

Eat another pie,
you'll have your own bazongas.

That's cruel.

You know it goes
straight to my hips.

Gentlemen, please focus.

You're facing
a fire-breathing dragon.

I don't know if I want
to play anymore.

Because you don't have
a girlfriend?

Well, good Lord,
if that becomes a reason not

to play Dungeons & Dragons, this
game's in serious trouble.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

The Big Bang Theory 5x04
The Wiggly Finger Catalyst
Original Air Date on October 6th, 2011

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Now, I assume we use
this same wax later on

to neaten up
each other's bikini regions.

Yeah, my bikini region
is fine.

Who's shocked? I'm not.

So, Bernadette, how's the
wedding planning going?

And I'm not asking
as a prospective bridesmaid.

Pick me! Pick me!

We went cake-tasting yesterday.

Raj came along.

He cried and ate half
the samples.

Oh, the poor guy's so lonely.

We should set him up
with someone.

You know, I met
a really cute girl at work.

She's married to a guy
in one of our drug trials.

Well, hello?

She's married.

Yeah, but her husband is in

serious congestive
heart failure,

and a little birdie told me
he's in the placebo group.

Okay, so future
grief-stricken widow

is the one to beat.

Are we ready to order?

One moment.

I'm conducting
an experiment.

With Dungeons
& Dragons dice?

Yes. From here on in,
I've decided

to make all trivial decisions
with a throw of the dice,

thus freeing up my mind

do what it does best--
enlighten and amaze.

Page 14,
item seven.

So, what's for dinner?

A side of corn

Hmm. Interesting.

Um, Howard, can I see you
for a minute, please?

I don't want to show any more
of your friends

how I can fit
in the booster seats.

Uh, no, that's not it.
Just come with me, please.

Let's see what I'll be washing
that succotash down with.

A pitcher of margaritas.

Do you really want that?

That's the great thing.

It doesn't matter.

My mind is freed up to think
about more important things.

What's it thinking
about now?

Hamburgers and lemonade.

Um, Raj, there's someone
I want you to meet.

This is my friend Emily.
I know her from my spin class.

Raj, relax.
She can't hear you. She's deaf.

Emily, this is
our friend Raj.


Look at you guys
just hitting it off.

I am so good.


She says, "It's
nice to meet you""

Does she really mean that

or was she signing it

Raj says it's nice
to meet you, too.

She says she has to go
back to her family,

but Penny has her
number if you want

to text her and
get together.

Okay, I'm going to play it cool.

Tell her,
"Maybe. Whatever, babe."

He'll text you.

Look at that. I have a date.

I love America again.

And now for dessert...

Come on, hot fudge sundae,
come on, hot fudge sundae.

That's what I'm talking about!

Okay, as soon
as she gets here,

so she knows
I'm cool with it,

I'm going to make a joke
about her being deaf.

I was thinking, "Hey,
did you hear the one about...?

Oh, no, I bet you didn't."

Maybe we should revisit
your lonely fat guy plan.

Oh, she's here.

No joke.

She says she's sorry
she's late.

Tell her
it doesn't matter.

Tell her, her eyes shimmer
like opalescent lilies

in the lake of the palace
of the celestial maidens.


That's the first thing
you want to say?

I worked on it all night.
Use it.

Look, I don't know the
sign for opalescent.

Then spell it.

I don't know how to spell it.

You're blowing this for me!

He likes your eyes.

You're making me sound
like a caveman.

She says, "Thank you.
You have nice eyes, too."

Really? Ask her how many
children she wants,

and whatever number she says,
say, "Me, too."


Fine. Tell her I have a deep,
sexy voice

like James Earl Jones.

She doesn't know what James
Earl Jones sounds like.

Then she won't know I'm lying.

Let's see, what else
can I tell you about me

that would make you
like me?

Ooh, I love music.

Do you love music?

You really want
to ask her that?

You're right.
Everyone loves music.

She says, "Do you play
an instrument?"


but when I was
six years old,

I tried to start
a boy band called

Frankie Goes
to Bollywood.

But I couldn't get
any other boys to join,

so my parents asked
the servants

to be my backup dancers.

Wait, when you sign

don't sign it
like I'm bragging.

Sign it in a way
that I sound humble

with just a hint of
"That's right, I had servants."

Do you hear yourself

Yes, but she doesn't.
So get signing, hand monkey.

I think I wrote a letter
to Santa Claus every day.

And then on Christmas morning,

under the tree is
a little puppy

with a red ribbon.

What are you doing?

Texting Bernadette that
I'm gonna be late.

Dude, what is she saying?

It's a funny story
about a puppy.

Just smile and laugh.

- Quick, quick, stop smiling.
- What? Why?

The puppy died-- it
choked on a doll head.

Sad face, sad face!

It's a little hard
to see with the city lights,

but that W-shaped constellation
is Cassiopeia.

And she was the mother
of Andromeda who's over there.

Look, pretty stars.

This is her car.

She hopes she can see you again

Good, good.

Oh, boy,

help me out here.

Does she want me
to kiss her or not?

I speak sign language,
I don't read minds.

If you were me,
would you kiss her?

Yeah, but I'm a make out king.

I was so smooth
on that date.

You? I made
you smooth.

You were an idiot.

Whatever, dude.
She kissed me.

It might've been
on your lips,

but it was my kiss.

Oh, fine. Let's agree
she kissed both of us.


Mustache is looking good
there, Sheldon.

Don't thank me.
Thank the dice.

They told me what percentage
of my face to shave.

Why are you still doing this?

Because it's working.

In the past few weeks,

unburdened by
trivial decisions,

I've co-authored
two papers

in notable peer-reviewed

and I'm close to
figuring out why

the Large Hadron
Collider has yet

to isolate the Higgs
boson particle.

You left out,
got chafed testicles

because you no longer
wear underpants.

The dice giveth
and the dice taketh away.

Is Raj out
with Emily again?

Yeah, every night
for the last month.

Wow, can't believe
he has a girlfriend.

Me neither.

Here's some other fun news
on the Raj/Emily front.

He gave her a pair of diamond
earrings and leased her a car.

You're kidding.

You think she's taking
advantage of him?

Oh, of course not.

She wouldn't do
something like that.

She's deaf.

Deaf women can't be
gold diggers?

Handicapped people
are nice, Leonard.

Everyone knows that.

Yeah, I actually
have information about Raj

that would be helpful
with this discussion.

Could you tell us?

Let's see.

Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.

Wait, hang on.

Roll again.

Okay, get this.

It doesn't matter if
he's showering her with gifts,

because the Koothrappalis
are vastly wealthy.

What do you mean
"vastly wealthy"?

Well, "wealthy" means
a lot of money.

"Vastly" means even more.

I'm not sure
what's tripping you up.

Look, I know they have money.
I don't think it's that much.

No, you're wrong.

As you know, a few years ago,
I achieved one of

my lesser dreams
and became a notary public.

Well, from
time to time,

I notarize
banking documents for Raj.

The Koothrappalis aren't just
rich, they're Richie Rich rich.

Well, so how much is that?

About halfway between
Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck.

What the hell?

The last time
we went to the zoo,

that son of a bitch
made me buy him a churro.

Listen, guys, I'm sorry,
I don't mean to be rude,

but I need to go call Raj's
sister, who I love so much.

So vastly much.

Okay, so he's got money,
and it's a few gifts and a car.

And she got him to pay off
all her credit cards.

What? He paid off
her credit cards?

Damn it, I could've dated Raj
for a couple months.

But I-I wouldn't have, because
I'm not that kind of girl.

We should really talk to Raj.

He's not going to listen,
he's in love.

Can't figure out what to do?

I remember those days.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to...

stay right here.

Yeah, this is a bad idea.

- We should go.
- No.

I'm the one that
introduced him to her.

I've got to
say something.


You're engaged
to my friend.

Hey, Bernadette doesn't mind
where I get my motor running,

as long as I park
in the right garage.

I can't believe
you're engaged to my friend.

Oh, here she comes.

Smart. Whisper so the deaf chick
can't hear you.


Oh, hey, hi.

Nice to see you.

Um, can we talk
to you about Raj?

She says, "Sure,
what about him""

Okay, um, gosh,
how do I start?

Um, see, Raj is
kind of naive.

I mean, he hasn't dated
a whole lot of women.

And I'm concerned that,
without meaning to,

you might be
taking advantage of him.

You know, by letting him buy you
a bunch of expensive things.

And I-I...

Howard, focus.

Tell her what I'm saying.


Are you a gold digger or not?

Oh, uh, something,

who the something do
you think you are?

Mind your own
something business

and go something


Wait, I got
this now.

I'm so mad at you!

Okay, wait...

How dare you ambush my
girlfriend at the gym!

We didn't mean
for it to be an ambush.

Just, it's kind of impossible
not to sneak up on deaf people.

And hey, since when
are you so chatty?

I'm hammered.

Raj, come here.

This girl is trouble.

I mean, what kind of
relationship is it

where you buy her gifts
and she gives you sex?

The best one I ever had!

Okay, come on.

You know you
can do better.


I see what's going on here.

You and I had
our crazy night together,

and now you can't stand
to see me with another woman.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- It's okay.

I can't get mad
at your feelings.

I don't have feelings.

Yeah, that's good.

Keep telling
yourself that.

He is cuter
now that I know he's rich.

I have a surprise
for you.

Cover your eyes.

Open them.

It's a real ruby.

It was a little

but no one can put
a price on love.

Although, the people at Cartier
took a pretty good shot at it.

Oh, Mummy, Daddy.

What a nice surprise.

No, it's not a nice surprise,
it's a bad surprise.

Penny called us.


She told us
you're spending all our money

on your new girlfriend.

I just got her a
couple of things.

She gives me things, too.

Yeah, yeah, I'm
a gynecologist.

I know exactly
what she gives you.

You need to find a nice
Indian girl from a good family.

If you keep seeing this woman,
you're cut off.

What? You're going to make me
choose between the woman I love

and the money I... have
very strong feelings for?

It's up to you.

Well, I choose love.

You're an idiot.

Love doesn't last.

Well, he's going to
find out eventually.

Think about it.

My parents are making me
choose between money and you.

I choose you.

No, I think we'll have
to return the car.

And that necklace,
yeah, that, too.

But none of those
things matter,

because we have
something better.

We have love.

Oh, Penny, I
hurt so bad.

I know, I know.

Sometimes I put
the TV on mute

just to pretend
she's still with me.

But I can't watch the closed
captioning without crying.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I wish I could
make you feel better.


I'm heartbroken and
you're hitting on me?

What?! No!

Look, Penny,
you're great,

but I had a long talk
with my parents,

and they said if I date an
Indian girl, I get a Maserati.


Oh, cheesecake,

you're just as good as a woman,

even though I can't
have sex with you.

Try throwing it in the microwave
for a few seconds.

Should I use the rest room
or wait until we get home?

Come on, papa needs
to void his bladder.

Oh, that's not what you want
to see after three buttermilks.

Here you go, boys.

I'll pick it up
when you're ready.

Thanks for dinner,

Yeah, real big of you.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Oh, and don't cheap
out on the tip.

We all know
you're loaded now.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==