The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - The Rhinitis Revelation - full transcript

Sheldon gets upset when his mother comes to visit but refuses to cook for him and attend physics lectures.

So what kind of cruise
is this you're going on?

It's called
the Born Again Boat Ride.

Christian Quarterly gave
it their highest rating--

five thorny crowns.

I do wish you'd
come with me, Sheldon.

Well, Mom, if I did, it
would be conclusive proof

that your God
can work miracles.

You're missing out.

It's gonna
be wall-to-wall fun.

It's all themed.

There's Jonah
and the Whale Watching.

Last Supper Buffet.

And my personal favorite,
Gunning with God.

What's Gunning with God?
I'm afraid to ask.

Oh, it is a hoot
and a half.

You write your sins
on a clay pigeon,

they fire 'em up in the air,
and you pulverize them

with a 12-gauge shotgun

full of our Lord's

Frankly, Mom, I'm encouraged
to see how advanced

your group has become--
willing to sail out

into the ocean without fear
of falling off the edge.

For example,

if Shelly was aboard,
he'd write,

"Smart mouth"
on his pigeon,

and then bam!

The Lord giveth and
the Lord bloweth away.

Well, Mom,

according to my itinerary
for our weekend together,

the fun begins with
fried chicken.

Sounds delicious.

Good, 'cause I got you everything
you need to make it.

You are in for a treat.

My mother's fried chicken

is why we had to buy my dad
the extra large coffin.

Sheldon, she just
got off the plane.

She doesn't want to cook.

Of course she does.

Making me food is her way
of saying "I love you""

Making me food when
she's too tired to cook

is her way of saying
"I really love you."

Actually, I wouldn't mind going
out for a bite, Sheldon.

Won't that spoil our appetites

for the chicken you're
going to make me?

All right, that settles it, we're
going out. Do you like sushi?

There's a great little
place down the street.

I've never had it,
but there's no harm in

trying something new.

There's a lot of harm
in trying something new.

That's why we test out
drugs and cosmetics

on bunny rabbits.

Sheldon, you're talking
like a crazy person.

Actually, I had him
tested as a child.

Doctor says he's fine.

Told you.

Although, I do regret
not following up

with that specialist in Houston.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

The Big Bang Theory 5x06
The Rhinitis Revelation
Original Air Date on October 20, 2011

== sync, corrected by elderman ==


Stop yelling!

I'm not happy about this.

What's the last thing
you were ever happy about?

The prospect
of fried chicken.

This is exciting.

Back home, the diner on
Route Four serves sushi,

but it's just cut up fish sticks
and a side of Uncle Ben's.

They put it on the menu

in those kung fu letters,
but that don't make it sushi.

Uh, kung fu letters might
not be politically correct.

Oh, I thought the one we
couldn't say was "ching chong""

Yeah, yeah, that, too.

So, Shelly, what's up

with you and your friend Amy,

if you don't mind
a mother prying a bit?

Well, there's actually
big news on the Amy front.

She's been studying the

neurobiology of addiction
in lower animals.

She's this close to getting
a starfish hooked on cocaine.

Do you have any idea what's
going on with those two?

It's kind of like
the Loch Ness monster.

Maybe there's something
there, maybe there isn't.

We'll probably never know.

But sometimes it's fun to creep
yourself out thinking about it.

How are you doing on
the young lady front?

I hear you're in some sort
of a long distance situation?

Yeah, it's Raj's sister.

It's kind of tough.

She's in India.

Also, her parents aren't happy
she's dating someone white.

Oh, that's funny
turn, isn't it?

You never think about it
going the other way.

Well, you can't force things.

You need to figure out if
you're in a relationship

or if you're just
calling it one.

It's like they say--
a cat can have kittens

in the oven but that
don't make 'em biscuits.

And that reminds me
of another saying.

You can lead a chicken
to Crisco, but you can't

make your mother fry it.

Sheldon, you pester me one
more time about chicken,

I will put you over my knee
right here in this restaurant.

Please pester her.
Please, for me.

So, Mrs. Cooper, what did
you think of the sushi?

It was good.

The only thing that would
have made it better

is if it was cooked

and if it was beef.

Sheldon, when is your landlord
going to fix the elevator?

I don't know.

Lately we've been talking about

converting it
into a missile silo.

Your son seems to think

we need to launch
a preemptive strike on Burbank.

Get them before
they get us.

Hey, look who decided
to show up.

Raj, what are you doing?

I couldn't find you guys
so I bought six new friends.

Three, sadly, are dead.

Mom, you
remember Rajesh?

- Rajesh, my mother.
- Of course.

Mrs. Cooper.
So nice to see you again.

Well, it's so nice
to see you, too.

I thought it was
our Indians

that had the occasional
alcohol problem.

We don't say that, either.

I'll make you a list.

Oh, that would be mighty
white of you.

So, Raj, what pain
are you trying

to cover up with alcohol?

- Nothing, I'm fine.
- Are ya?


That's better.

Now tell me what's
bothering you.

I'm so lonely.

Oh, yes, born alone,
die alone.

It's a tragic
human condition.

Now, Raj,

if you'll excuse my mother,

she's about to make a pecan pie

that'll be so good
I'll almost forget

how she blew it
with the fried chicken.

Sheldon, your
friend is hurtin'.

What do we do when
someone's hurtin'?

Offer them a hot beverage.

And when they're
drunk as a skunk,

what beverage
do we offer?


And what do we do it with?

Now you listen to me.

I know you feel like
you can't find someone,

but there's a
lock for every key.

Back home, there's a girl

works at the Wal-Mart.
Tall, tall girl.

Woman could hunt
geese with a rake.

Thought she'd never

find a man, then one day,
wouldn't ya know,

Harlem Globetrotters
come to town.

Long story short,

today that woman
travels the world

with a semi-professional
basketball player

and two beautiful
mixed-race babies.

I didn't get a lot of that
because of your accent,

but the general tone
was soothing

and somehow I feel better.

I'm not going to get
my pecan pie, am I?

You want some Oreos?

- Double Stuf?
- No, regular.

Nice. Kick a man when he's down.

I'm glad we're finally getting
to do something together,

just the two of us.

Sure. One thing you really
miss when you're on

vacation is laundry.

Careful, you're using
too much Downey.

You know if my clothes get
too soft it makes me sleepy.

Well, this takes me back.

Me doing your laundry, you
next to me criticizing.

It is nice, isn't it?

Mrs. Cooper.

- Hi!
- Oh, hello, darlin'.

Sheldon, you didn't tell
me your mom was coming.

It was in my weekly
e-mail blast.

Right between

"Beet season is finally here"

and "Uh-oh, red stool from
beets leads to cancer scare."

So, how've you been?

Good, good.

I hear that Leonard
has a new girlfriend.

How are you doing
with all that?

Oh, fine. You know,
it's been a while.

I'm getting
back out there.

Let me ask you, when
you get back out there,

are you wearing this?

Well, it's super cute on.

That top has paid for itself
in free drinks like ten

times what it cost.

Yes, Penny has a lot
of her money tied up

in promiscuity futures.

Hon, you think

maybe the reason why
you're having trouble

finding a guy
to settle down with

is because you're letting them
ride the roller coaster

without buying a ticket?

Oh, they don't always get
to ride the roller coaster.

Sometimes they only get
to spin the teacups.

Now I'm going out tonight.
Would it be crazy

to ask you to look at the
outfit I'm going to wear?

Oh, not crazy at all.

And don't beat yourself up.

When I was your age, you could
have me for a car ride

and a bottle
of strawberry wine.

That will not be
in this week's e-mail blast.

So, this spring,
I get to go

to the International
Space Station.

Oh, my word,
a trip to the heavens.

If you ever want
to live there eternally,

I've got a good book
you could read.

Thanks, but I watch the
Charlie Brown Christmas special

every year, so I get the gist.

I bet your mom
is really proud of you.


She says if I don't back out

she's going to go
on a hunger strike.

It would take years before

she'd be in any kind of danger,
but still.

I've got a treat
for us tomorrow, Mom.

I'm taking you

to see Saul Perlmutter
give a lecture

about his Nobel Prize-winning
work in cosmology.

And the best part is,

at the Q and A afterward,

I've worked up
a couple of "Q's"

that will stump
his sorry "A."

I don't know, Shelly.

I thought we could do
a little sightseeing.

What sight is better
than your little boy

embarrassing a Nobel laureate?

Come on, Sheldon,
we'll take your mom

to see the Hollywood sign,

the wax museum,
the Walk of Fame.

Ooh, maybe
a little Rodeo Drive.

Well, I can't spend
$12,000 on a handbag,

but it's free
to look upon those

who do with righteous

What do you say?

What do I say?

I say you people need
to stop ruining my mom's visit

with your sushi, and your
sadness and your slutty shirts.

Stop it.

He's not talking about your
shirt. Your shirt is fine.

These are delicious.

The trick to pancakes
is bacon grease.

I cook everything in it.

Everything? Aren't you
worried about your health?

Oh, doctors are always
changing their mind.

One week bacon grease
is bad for you.

The next week we're not
getting enough of it.

Good morning, Shelly.

Mom, I want to apologize
for my behavior last night.

- Apology accepted.
- Great.

Now, you're going to love
the Perlmutter lecture.

Look, he will be stating
that the universe is older

than 6,000 years,
but I thought

you could stick your
fingers in your ears

and hum "Amazing Grace"
during those parts.

I am still going out
with your friends.

But I apologized.

And that was hard for me because
I didn't do anything wrong.

Shelly, I hung out with you
in enough dusty lecture halls

while you were growing up.

I want to go sightseeing.

So why don't you
have some pancakes,

get dressed and come with us.

I'm not going,
and you can't make me.

You're right, I can't.
Have a nice day.

Well, I'm going to stand here
until you change your mind.

Well, then you are going
to stand there all day.

I'm just gonna take my bacon
grease and slide over there.

I can't believe my own
mother is abandoning me.

I am not abandoning you.

Sheldon, abandoning you
is leaving you in a basket

on a church doorstep.

I am going to Hollywood and
thank a wax Ronald Reagan

for his service
to our country.

We appear to be at a crossroads
in our relationship, Mother.

Well, I guess we are.


All right, Mom.

When you're at the Ripley's
Believe It Or Not Museum,

if they have an exhibit about a
mother who threw away a chance

to spend the day with the
world's most wonderful son,

believe it,
because it's true.

I hadn't...

That lecture was
a waste of time.

I made more accurate diagrams

of the expansion of the early
universe on the nursery wall

with the contents
of my diaper.

Are you getting sick?

No, I'm just allergic to people

who get Nobel Prizes
for no good reason.

Sheldon, is it possible
that your foul mood--

or, to use the clinical
term, bitchiness--

is because your mother
isn't making you a priority?

No. Or to use the
clinical term, "nuh-uh""

Are you sure?
The infant-mother pair-bond

is the building block
of primate psychology.

Oh, there it is.

It always comes back
to monkeys with you.

Just monkeys,
monkeys, monkeys.

Sheldon, we're all animals.

And granted, there are aspects
of you that are extraordinary,

but when it comes to
emotions and relationships,

you're just like everybody else.

Are you trying to suggest
that my emotional problems

are no different than
those of a stupid person?

Actually, some research

that by not overthinking,

the less intelligent
handle emotions better.

Sure you're not coming
down with a cold?

Oh, yes, the common cold.

Just like everyone else.

You'd love that,
wouldn't you?

Oh, this one's sweet.

You know,
for your rosary rattlers.

Mrs. Cooper, we say "Catholics""
not "rosary rattlers."

My goodness, it's a wonder
you people in California

can talk at all.

This is like the
worst Hollywood tour ever.

What are we gonna do?
She wanted to see churches.

Hey, they have wine
here, don't they?

None of our gods
have abs like that.

Yep, that's the last
Jew who did sit-ups.

And look where it got him.

Hey, while we're here, why
don't we all do some praying?

Let's put a little
church in this church.

Oh, I'm not sure we should...

It's easy.
I'll show you how.

Lord, Mary Cooper here.

Coming to you from
Gomorrah, California.

I want to thank you

for the blessing that
is my little Shelly.

I also want to thank you
for the continued strength

not to coldcock him
with my Bible.

All right, Penny, your turn.

Okay, um...

Hey, God.

What's up?

Um, I'm good, but, uh, it would
be a big help to my family

if you could get my brother
to stop cooking meth.

But no cops. Be cool.

She also goes a little overboard
on the "love thy neighbor."

Could probably use that chat
you had with Mary Magdalene.

Leonard, you're up.

Wasserman, you're on deck.

Okay. I don't know...

it's probably a little late
to ask you to make me taller.

Oh, um... if you could help
out with me and my girlfriend.

She's all the way in India.
That would be great.

Hear that? Girl trouble.

Turns out we were both wrong
on that front.

How about you?

Oh, me? No.
Thanks, I'm good.

I'm really just trying not
to burst into flames.


He says he's having trouble
dropping those last five pounds.

Huh, I might have gone with
the talking-to-girls thing.

No, you only get one wish.

Look at the two of us.

Me, a highly
regarded physicist.

The kind of mind that
comes along once,

maybe twice in a generation.

You, the common man,

tired from your labors
as a stockbroker,

or vacuum cleaner salesman,
or bootblack.

But deep down inside...

apparently we're just
two peas in a pod.

A regular pea,

and the kind of pea
that comes along once,

maybe twice in a generation.


Another great equalizer.

Falling on the head
of the brilliant

and the unremarkable alike.


Oh, Mrs. Cooper,
it smells so good.

You take notes, darlin'.

The real way to get a man
is with melted cheese

and cream of mushroom soup.

He'll die at 50 but
his love will be true.

I need a tissue.
This one got wet.


Thank you. Yeah, I've
learned something today.

You and I, in so many ways,

other than intelligence and
what counts, we're the same.

Sweetheart, are you sick?

I hope so, because if this is
well, life isn't worth living.

Oh, sugarpie,
you are burning up.

- We've got to get you to bed.
- Okay.

Don't worry. Mama's here
to take care of her baby.

And just to be clear,
only her baby

and not these other people.

Of course.

Can I have tea with honey and
toast with the crust cut off?

You can have
whatever you want.

Thanks, Mom.
You're the best.

Boy, last time I put
VapoRub on you,

you didn't have hair
on your chest.

I know, it filled in last year.

I didn't get to spend a lot of
time with you on this visit.

And whose fault was that?


Shelly, you're not eight
years old anymore.

We have to have
a different relationship.

No, we don't.

The one we have
works great.

Sweetheart, you are a grown man.

Or maybe I'm part of
a new species,

that lives for
hundreds of years,

which means I'm still
basically a toddler.

Oh, I so should have
taken you to Houston.

Does this mean you're not
going to sing "Soft Kitty"?

No, I will always
sing you "Soft Kitty."

♪ Soft kitty, warm kitty ♪

♪ Little ball of fur... ♪

Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to
take that pie out of the oven?

Get out!

Well, that was rude.

Well, I know,
but he means well.


♪ Happy kitty, sleepy kitty... ♪

What are you trying
to pull, Mom?

From the top.

This is what I'm talking about.

♪ Soft kitty, warm kitty,
little ball of fur... ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==