The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 23 - The Launch Acceleration - full transcript

NASA cancel, and later reinstate Howard's mission into space, coinciding with his wedding. Leonard inadvertently jeopardizes his relationship with Penny.


- Howard Wolowitz.

Dave Roeger, here, at NASA. We need
to talk about your upcoming mission.

Yes, yes, I've been doing
my push-ups.

I'm still stuck at nine, but...

That's going all the way down
with no one holding me, heh.

That's great, uh, but that's not why I called.

We've run into a bit of a snafu.

Your Soyuz capsule failed
the pressurization test... bottom line,
the mission's been scrubbed.

You're kidding.
So, what does that mean?


Uh-huh, heh.

Boy, I gotta tell you,
I'm really disappointed.

This was my dream
ever since I was a little kid.

Okay, uh... Thanks for the call.

Yeah, you too.

Yes! Thank you!


Oh, I'm not gonna die in space!

Phew, I'm gonna die the way God intended.

In my late 50s
with a heart full of pastrami.

I'm going to need a larger shirt.

This one's a little tight under the arms.


Maybe it's tight because
you're wearing long underwear?

Yes, of course that's why it's tight.

Let me rephrase the question.

- Why are you wearing long underwear?
- You're kidding.

Shouldn't the question be,
why aren't you?

No, it should be, why are you?

Leonard, these rental tuxedos...

...have been worn by hundreds
of sweaty strangers.

I don't like my own sweat
touching my skin.

How do you think I feel about theirs?

- Why don't you slip this on?
- Said the hangman offering a noose.

Heh, well, that wasn't as entertaining
as when he rents bowling shoes...

...but it was right up there.

Well, that's it.
My orders have been rescinded.

I am officially "no go" to space.

I'm sorry, Howard, but I gotta tell you,
I'm a little relieved you're not going.

- Why?
- Come on.

You were gonna go in a rocket
designed in the 1960s by the Russians.

Yeah, so?

When was the last time
you heard someone say:

"Ooh, check out this Blu-ray player.
It must be good, it was built in Russia"?

Well, their technology isn't that bad.

When you come back to Earth in a Soyuz
capsule, you free-fall from space... 500 miles per hour, and the only
thing that slows you down... a parachute that pops out
before you crash into the ground.

The thing was designed
by the same brilliant minds...

...who were unable to capture
Rocky and Bullwinkle.

All right, well, whatever.
I wasn't worried.

You weren't?

Okay, let me explain
the difference between you and me.

You watch Star Trek, I live it.

Oh, I don't remember
the episode of Star Trek...

...where the guy never goes to space
and brags about it in a tuxedo store.

Make all the jokes you want, but there's
only one of us brave enough... almost do what I almost did.

Ah, much better.

You must be burning up.

A little. But not more
than your urethrae will be...

...after whatever's in those pants
swims up them.

Well, I cut quite the dashing
yet hygienic figure, don't I?

I look like the Flash
about to get married.

Oh, a tissue! A tissue! Oh, good Lord!

Uh, where's he going?

He keeps emergency Purell
in the car.

Keys. Keys. Keys.

- Hey, you.
- Before I come in, you should know...

...I have gas.

For the record,
not your worst opening line.

Check it out. It's the gas I use
in my laser to support high voltages.

But it also has an interesting
secondary use.

Here. Breathe this in.

But before I do it, if you're a cop,
you have to tell me, right?

- Just try it.
- Okay.

[IN DEEP VOICE] what's it supposed to...?
Oh, my God, that is so freaky.



You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.


Again. Me, me. Okay.


Leonard, I am your father.


[IN NORMAL VOICE] I have never
been more attracted to a woman...

- ...who sounds like a man in my life.
- Aw, heh.


[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hey, you know
how we've been taking things slow?


Well, I've been thinking...

...and maybe I'm ready
to take things a little faster.

- Oh, great.
- Mm-hm.

And I promise, after waiting four months,
fast is what you're gonna get.

Just... Just one thing.
We're in a great place right now.

I don't wanna do anything
that will make stuff weird again.

- So we won't let it get weird.
- Okay.

Oh, just a heads up. Mm.
Since the last time you saw me naked...

...I got a Cookie Monster tattoo.

The acceptable responses when you
see it are "awesome" or nothing.

What about...




Amy. Amy. Amy

Seven o'clock. Right on time.

It's not an accident.

I waited outside your door
for 20 minutes.

Well, dinner's almost ready.

I must say I was surprised you chose to
spend our date-night in your apartment.

Well, as I mentioned, uh...

...the Pasadena City Council
is debating longer crosswalk times...

...and later, the Lego store
is having a Midnight Madness sale.

You ask anyone, that's a hot date.

Tempting choices, but I have
something special planned for tonight.

What can be more special than having
an adequate amount of time... cross the street on your way
to buy a tiny Lego Indiana Jones?

With our friends moving forward
in relationships...

...I have decided
we should make progress in ours.

Oh, dear Lord.

Two years ago,
we didn't even know each other...

...and now I'm in your apartment
after dark.

How much faster can this thing go?

Had a feeling you'd be reluctant...

...which is why I'm going to dip
into my bag of tricks.

Oh, heh, you brain-monkeys kill me.
Dip away.

I have devised an experiment that
I believe will increase your feelings...

- ...for me in an accelerated time-frame.
- Well, how do you propose to do that?

Uh, I hope you're not thinking about
some sort of LSD thought-control.

There's only one mind-expanding drug
that this man enjoys.

And that's called school.

Human beings form
emotional attachments as they grow up.

In your case, to your mother,
superheroes, et cetera.

I'm going to attempt an experiment...

...that will get you
to transfer those feelings to me.

Well, seems what's on
the menu tonight... malarkey
with a big side of poppycock.

We'll see. Let's start with
a little romantic dinner music, shall we?


- The "Super Mario Brothers" theme?
- Yes.

I see what you're doing.
You're attempting to build on the work...

...of Ebbinghaus by triggering
an involuntary memory...

...of me playing that game.

Admittedly the happiest 600 hours
of my childhood.

- But it won't work.
- Fine.

There's no reason we can't have a lovely
dinner. Why don't you have a seat?


- May I offer you something to drink?
- You know I don't drink.

Not even Strawberry Quik?

I love Strawberry Quik.

It's my favorite pink fluid...

...uh, narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.

Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely
with what I have prepared for dinner.

Spaghetti with little pieces
of hot dog cut up in it.

- Just like your mommy used to make.
- Oh.

Yummy, yummy.

Yeah, we should do this more often.


I'm sorry, I did. I crossed a line.
I didn't mean to!

Who says that
right in the middle of sex?

I don't know. It just came out.

People say weird things
during sex all the time.

- Well, they sure as hell don't say that.
- Lt was the heat of the moment.

No, the heat of the moment is,
"Yeah, just like that"...

...not, "Will you marry me?"

- I'm sorry, just give me another chance.
- So you can crawl under covers and go:

"Hey baby, wanna go look for houses
in neighborhoods with good schools"?

Again, I'm sorry. With Howard
and Bernadette getting married...

...I got caught up
in a little wedding fever.

I take it back.

You can't take something like that back.
What are we supposed to do now?

Okay, at some point, we'll look back
and this is going to be a funny story.

Why don't we just start
doing that now?

- You're kidding.
- No.

Hey, do you remember...

...that time when I proposed to you
in bed, heh?

And you were all, like,
"What are you doing"?


That was so funny.

So funny.

- It's not funny.
- Just give it a minute.

Is that a little smile I see there?

I should go.

Hey, I was thinking, for our first dance
at the wedding...

...what if we learn the final number
from Dirty Dancing?

- You're kidding.
- No, come on.

How cool would that be?
Me running into your arms.

You lifting me up into the air.


- You're in a good mood.
- Yeah, well, why wouldn't I be?

I'm marrying the girl of my dreams...

...and finally got my mother to agree
not to come on our honeymoon.



Oh, hang on.

Oh, it's NASA.


Oh, hi, Dave. What's up, heh?

No kidding. Really, heh?

Well, that's great news.

Great, great news.

All right, I'll watch my e-mail
for the details.

Okay, talk soon.

What's so great?

It looks like I'm going into space
after all, heh.

Howie, that's wonderful.

Uh-huh, wonderful.


What happened?
I thought they cancelled your mission.

They... They did.
But NASA really wants my telescope...

...up on the space station, so they're
putting me on an earlier launch.


A week from Friday.

What? We're getting married
that Sunday.

You're right, heh. I... I can't go to space.
I have to get married...

...and no one can say that's not
a good reason. I'll call him back.

Wait. I don't wanna be the one
who stands in your way.

Well, too bad, you already did.
It's a done deal. But I forgive you.

No. That's not how I wanna start
our marriage.

Killing your dream? We'll have
the wedding when you get back.

Yeah, but what about all the plans
and the guests?

We'll call them.

Although my dad's gonna go
a little nutso over losing his deposits.

You're right, he is.

Your dad's gonna be furious.

There's no way he's gonna let us
postpone this wedding.

Well, we tried.

I'll talk to him.
He won't say no to his little girl, heh.

No, I... l should talk to him.
You know, man to man.

Howie, my dad can be a bully.

He's gonna make you cancel
your flight.

Yeah, we can only hope, heh,
that he doesn't.

Bishop to queen four, level two.

- Check.
- Sheldon, Knight takes Bishop.

You all right?

I'm fine.

Are you? You left your queen exposed
from above...

...trapped your knight in the corner,
and you keep sighing and saying:

"Why me?"


Very well.

Can I ask you a question
about women?

We got you that book last year.
Wasn't everything in there?

No. I'm having
a relationship problem with Amy.

And by the way,
that book gave me nightmares.

If it makes you feel any better...

...I screwed things up pretty good
with Penny.

Look at us, Leonard.

Engaging in the social convention of
men bellyaching about their old ladies.

I guess we are. So...

What's going on?

Believe it or not,
Amy has embarked on a campaign... increase my feelings for her
by making me happy.

I'm sorry,
that must be very difficult for you.

It's awful. This morning...

...she arranged for me to be
an Amtrak Junior Conductor for the day.

It's usually only open to children.
She got them to make an exception.

Shame on her.

They let me blow the whistle,

She's good.

I know. And it gets worse.

Her efforts are causing me
to have affectionate feelings for her... inappropriate times.

You mean like in bed
or in the shower?

No. And would you please stop
referencing that infernal book?

For example, this morning...

...I was calculating the random motion
of virtual particles in a vacuum...

...when suddenly, the particles morphed
into an image of Amy's dandruff...

...gently cascading down onto her pale,
slightly hunched shoulders.


What has that vixen done to me,

How do I make it stop?

Well, if you had a physical relationship,
I'd say propose during sex.

Turns out that's a real mood-killer.

- I assume we're talking about you now?
- Yeah.

So that's how this works?
I complain and then you complain...

...and no one offers any solutions?

Pretty much.

Well, no wonder the women
are winning.

Mr. Rostenkowski, are you busy?

Just looking at some old pictures.
Come on in.

Family pictures, or...?
Holy crap, that's a dead person.

Last murder case before I retired.

How many bodies do you see there?

Careful. It's a trick question.

- I'm not sure.
- No, you'll never get it. It's a fraction.

How about that, heh.

Anyway, sir,
I need to talk to you about something.


No, thank you. I'm allergic.

Oh, sure. My partner used to have that.
He's dead now.

- From nuts, heh?
- No, his wife shot him.

But she was nuts. So in a way...

Nice story. Anyway...

...the reason
I wanted to talk to you is...

...NASA has moved up my launch
to the international Space Station.

- Yeah, so?
- So the date is going to conflict...

...with me marrying your daughter.
Now, I know what you're going to say.

I made a commitment to Bernadette
and to your family...

...and I've got a lot of nerve coming here
and demanding that we postpone this.

Well, message heard and understood.
Mission cancelled. Thank you.

Where are you going?

I'm sorry.

May I be excused?

No, you may not.
Let me tell you something.

When I first met you...
You just gonna stand there?

I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Is this going to...?

Well, I should sit...
May I be seated? I'll just sit.

When I first met you, I didn't like you.

I'm aware of that, sir.

But then you and I
had some time together.

Uh-huh, heh.

It did not get better.

Right, right, heh.

That silly Beatle haircut.

You riding around on a red Vespa.

And you're still living at home
with your mother.

To be honest, I thought Bernadette
chose you to punish me.

But then I heard
about your astronaut thing...

...and I realized I judged you too fast.

Maybe you are the right guy
for my little girl.

Oh, I am. And just so you know
I'd still be an astronaut...

...even if I didn't go to space, heh.

You know, I've got an ID card
and a NASA golf shirt.

No, no. You gotta go.

You can't turn down
an opportunity like this.


But what about the wedding...

...and all the money you put down
for the reception?

You let me worry about that.

You go up to that space station
and you make me proud.

Um, okay.


You got a problem with that?

All right, look,
I'm gonna level with you.

I'm terrified about going into space.

I mean, uh,
what if I don't make it back?

It's gonna be okay, son.

- You really think so?
- Of course.

A pretty girl like Bernadette.
She'll find a new guy.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Off to work?
- Yeah.

- Have a nice night.
- Okay, you too.

Penny, just wait.

I've been thinking about what I said
when we were in bed.

Yeah, I've been thinking about it too.

I noticed you never answered me.

You're right.


- Uh, follow-up. Are we still dating?

- Is it still weird because I proposed?

I have a couple more
quick questions.

- Do you wanna call me from the car?
PENNY: Nope.

I played that pretty well.


Hello, Leonard.

- What are you doing?
- We're playing doctor.

Star Trek style.

I'm in hell, Leonard.

Don't stop.


[English - US - SDH]