The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 22 - The Stag Convergence - full transcript

The guys throw Howard a bachelor party, and some embarrassing details about his life get posted on the Internet.


I wish you could all be inside my head.

The conversation is sparkling.

Fine, I'll tell you.

A lichen is an organism made up
of two separate species, fungi and algae.

If you could merge with another species,
what species would you pick and why?

Hint, there is a right answer.

None of you will get it.

Okay. Um, I'd pick swan
because, uh, the resulting hybrid...

...would have the advanced
industrial civilization of a human...

...and the long, graceful neck
I've always dreamed of having.

Wrong. Leonard?

Horse. But mostly just for the height.

A little bit for the genital girth.

Wrong. And let's keep it clean, shall we?

Kangaroo. Uh, I'd be a kangajew...

...the first of my people
to dunk a basketball.

Also, instead of just living in your mother's
house, you could live inside her body.


Clever, but also wrong.

No. The best organism for human beings
to merge with is the lichen itself.

That way you'd be
human, fungus and algae.

Triple threat.

Like three-bean salad.

Give me one circumstance
that would be useful.

All right, picture this.
A beautiful outdoor concert.

Now, as a human,
I appreciate Beethoven.

As a fungus, I have a terrific view
growing out of a towering maple tree.

And no thank you expensive concessions
because as an algae...

...I'll just snack on this sunlight.

- He got us again.
- No, he didn't.

Anyway, if it's okay with you,
we should talk about Howard's bachelor party.

Seems like a bit of a letdown
after our lichen conversation, but...

What do you know? You're half-swan.

I did some research on strippers.

One agency said
they can get us a great price...

...if we're flexible on age range
and number of limbs.

Sounds like loads of fun,
but I promised Bernadette no strippers.

Heh, you don't want strippers?
You're the king of strippers.

That one club in North Hollywood
named a pole after you.

What can I tell you?

- I'm not into that stuff anymore.
- Good. I'm proud of you.

You're the first of us to get married.
We have to do something special.

Germans have an interesting
pre-wedding custom...

it's probably not for me.

Maybe we can go up to, uh, Napa Valley.
They've got that wine train...

Boo, wine. But, yay, trains. I'm in.

Anyway, it's a beautiful time of year.

You travel through the vineyards, there's
a tasting on board, and all the wildflowers...

...are in bloom. It's magic.

Look at that. In 30 seconds,
we went from hiring women to being them.

So I hear you and the lost boys
are having a bachelor party tonight.

Yeah. Just going to a restaurant, get some
steaks, Scotch. Nothing to worry about.

Why should I worry?

It's a bachelor party. There could be
strippers. Wouldn't that make you jealous?

Uh, come on, Leonard, it's you.
What's gonna happen?

If there was a stripper, all you'd do... avoid eye contact and maybe offer
to help her kid with his homework.

Hey, I'm a young man
in his sexual prime.

Under the right conditions,
I am capable of just really crazy stuff.

Really? What is the craziest thing
you've ever done with a woman?

The time we had sex in the ocean
does not count.

Oh, come on, that's gotta count.

There was a really strong undertow.
We could've died.

Well, have fun tonight.

Oh, I will. There is no telling
what might happen.

Yeah, there is, heh.

You know, there's nothing wrong helping
some woman's kid get through their SATs.

I gotta hand it to Raj. He found
a really nice spot to have a bachelor party.

It's not bad. Unless you compare it
to a train. And then it stinks.

- Are you drinking whiskey?
- Indeed.

If I'm to participate in the social convention
that is the stag night...

...then I must embrace
all its components...

...including tobacco, swear words
and, yes, alcohol.

Jeepers, that's yucky.

Whoa, it's a little early to start dropping
J-bombs, don't you think?

- Hey, you guys.
- Hey. Nice of you to make it out for Howard.

It was either this or another
hot tub party at George Takei's house.

I'm confused.
I thought since our reconciliation...

...I was your friend in this group.

- Oh, I'm friends with Howard too.
- Oh.

I guess you're just friends with anybody.


Hey, uh, Leonard, things are a little tight
at the comic book store.

I might need some help
covering my share of the check.

Oh, yeah. No worries.

- And maybe a few bucks for the valet.
- Oh, all right.

- And gas money to get home.
- Yeah, sure.

You know what,
this is my grandfather's watch...

- Oh.
- ...18-karat gold.

- Got it in Europe during the war.
- Wow, it's very nice.

Mm-hm. A hundred bucks and it's yours.

Hey, everybody,
the bachelor boy has arrived.


For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

Which nobody can deny

Yes, yes, yes, he's a jolly good fellow.
What time do the strippers arrive?

Actually, Barry, we're not gonna have
strippers tonight.

Ugh, then what the frig did I get
$200 in singles out for?

You wanna buy a watch?

This is maid of honor,
Amy Farrah Fowler...

...bringing you the wedding activities
just weeks out from the big day.

Let's check in with a beautiful,
radiant young woman...

...and her friend
who's about to get married.

Ladies, can you tell us
what you're doing?

Um, these are gift bags we're gonna put
in the hotel rooms of our guests.

This is a map of Pasadena,
this is a list of local restaurants.

Then for Howie's relatives,
we have antihistamines, antacids...

...and medicine
for diarrhea and constipation.

Ha, we labeled them "stop" and "go."

All right, pivoting to the big question.

Bernadette, on your wedding night,
you'll be consummating your marriage.

What do you think your first sexual position
will be as husband and wife?

Amy, please.

AMY: Keeping in mind that whoever's on top
may set the tone for the marriage.

Okay, show's over.

Hey. They may conceive a child
on their wedding night.

Don't you think the kid might get a kick
out of knowing how it happened?

I don't care. Ask her things like,
"Are you gonna take Howard's name?"

Not "who's gonna sit on who?"

I've been thinking I'm gonna hyphenate.

Bernadette Maryann

...before someone snaps it up.

Howard already took care of it.

He set up our beautiful wedding website
with cute facts...

...about our family histories.

For a while in Poland, my family
and his family were neighbors.

- Oh, that's cool.
- No, it's not. I'll explain it to you later.


May I have your attention, please?

We are here tonight to celebrate
the upcoming nuptials of my best friend...

...Howard Wolowitz.

Hear, hear.

And apparently Wil Wheaton's
best friend.

- Sheldon.
- Talk to the hand.

Does anyone have any words they'd like
to say about our man of the evening?

I do.


As is the tradition, I've prepared a series of
disrespectful jokes which generate humor... Howard's expense.
Prepare to have your ribs tickled.


Howard, I always thought you'd be
the last one of us to ever get married...

...because you are so short
and unappealing, am I right?

Let's see here. Oh, seriously, though...

Howard, you're actually one of
the most intelligent people I know.

And that's a zinger because you're not.

I've always thought that you'd make
someone a fine husband someday.

Assuming you'd get the parts
and develop the engineering skills... assemble them,
which I don't see as likely. Hot-cha!


Okay, let me see. Okay, kidding aside.

Howard, you are a good friend
and I wish you nothing but happiness.

Buzzinga, I don't.

- Sheldon.
- Double buzzinga. I do.

Good luck following that.

So Howard Wolowitz tying the knot. Ha, ha.

Leaving his crazy bachelor days behind.
He was a wild one.

But I guess we all kind of were.

I remember this one time,
I was with this girl at the beach.

We were in the ocean
and we started making out.

I know, it was crazy.

I wasn't even wearing my aqua socks.

- Then...
- Nobody cares, Hofstadter, wrap it up.

Right. To Howard.

To Howard!

I totally had sex in the ocean.

Okay, I'll go.

Howard, when I think about
you and Bernadette...

...starting this wonderful life together...

...I can't help but get a little choked up.
I mean...

...look at you, you have everything.

Look at me. I'm 37...

...I sleep in the back
of a comic book store...

...and I have the bone density
of an 80-year-old man.

To Howard.

ALL: To Howard.
- Yes.

- Uh, who's next?
- I'll go.

Howard, I'm gonna say something
to you that everybody is thinking...

...but no one has the courage
to say out loud.

When you invite a man to a bachelor party,
the implication is there will be strippers.

Maybe not completely nude...

...but at least pasties and G-strings,
that's not unreasonable.

- Hear, hear!
ALL: Hear, hear!

Okay, uh, anybody else? Huh?

No? Okay.

It all comes down to me as the best man.

Ooh, this grasshopper
is kicking my ass-hopper. Ha-ha-ha.

Okay, when I first came to this country,
I didn't know how to behave...

...or how to dress, or what was cool.

I was pretty lonely. But then I met Howard,
and suddenly my life changed...

...because we could be lonely together.

This man became my whole world.

Yeah. Nice speech, Francine.

I'm not done, but thank you.

I think back... all the good times we had,
like, uh, when we went camping...

...and spent that night
telling each other all our secrets.

I told him I'm addicted to pedicures...

...and he told me
he lost his virginity to his cousin.


She was my second cousin.

And the first woman you ever disappointed
sexually. Bada-buzzinga!

Oh, yeah. And then there was the time when
Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas...

...and paid a hooker
to pretend she was Jewish...

...and that she wanted
his little kosher pickle.

Of all the "Howard humping hooker"
stories, that one's my favorite.

Okay, buddy, that's it. Sit down.

Oh! Oh.

Oh, what about that tubby girl in
the Sailor Moon costume at Comic-Con?

Don't remember. Please sit down.

The only threesome
I've ever had in my life...

...and I'm proud to say
it was with this man right here!


- Please shut up.
- Oh, oh.

Don't get me wrong,
nothing happened with me and Howard.

There was about 200 pounds
of Sailor Moon between us.

Oh, Internet,
this is so going all over you.

Jeepers, I'm drunk.

Thank you for picking us up.

There's a warning right there
on the Scotch bottle.

You cannot be operating heavy machinery...

...after you've had a snootful of this, laddie.


Funny. You boys have a nice time?

Yeah, it was great.

Low-key, like I promised.

No hanky-panky, no strippers.
Just the guys telling jokes.

That's nice.

How about you?
Did you have a fun night?

Yeah. We, uh, made gift bags, had wine...

...and then went online and saw this.

Of all the "Howard humping hooker" stories...

...that one's my favorite.

You know, we're not that far
from my apartment.

If you stop the car, I can walk from here.

You ain't going anywhere, Threeway.

Bernadette, listen...

You lied. You said you told me
about all the girls you've been with...

...but you never mentioned
your cousin, the prostitute or Raj.

Seriously, you don't
even have to stop the car.

Anything under 10 miles an hour
and I can combat-roll into the street.

Okay, just to set the record straight...

...I didn't hire the prostitute,
she was a gift from him.

Shame on you, Raj. That is not how
we treat women in this country.

Don't you try and blame this on him.

- Thank you.
- Zip it, pervert!

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I'm supposed to marry Howard
in a couple weeks...

...and I'm not sure I even know
who the man is anymore.

I'm curious what's bothering you most...

...the borderline incest, the prostitute...

...or group sex with the girl
dressed as the children's cartoon.

Remember when we went over things that
would be helpful and things that wouldn't?


- And that was...?
- Not.

When I first met Howard,
he seemed so innocent to me.

Just a sweet little guy
who lives with his mother.

If that's what you like, I'll take you to the
comic book store. The place is full of them.

Wait a minute.

You set me up with Howard.

Did you know about
all the creepy stuff he was into?

Oh, a little. You hear stuff.

Why didn't you tell me?

I was gonna but I didn't think it
would go past the first date.

When it did, I thought it wouldn't go past
you meeting his mother.

Definitely not past sleeping together.
Warning signs were there.

This is really on you.

My God, I though you were my friend!




I don't think that was helpful.

Hi, Bernie, it's me again.
Please call me back.

Dude, I'm so sorry.

It's not your fault, it's mine.
I did all that stuff, not you.

Actually, you did do
one of them together.

- Here.
- What is this?

You're upset. The convention is to bring
an upset person a hot beverage.

No, but what is it?

Chicken broth.

It seemed culturally appropriate.

There was a single cube of chicken bouillon
in the cupboard when I moved in.

And it's been bothering me
for the last eight years.

So as they say, two birds.

I don't know what my next move is.

Well, Howard, I don't know
much about women.

- Yeah?
- No, that's it.

I don't know much about women.

Raj, you got anything?

I've got the phone number
of the tubby girl from Comic-Con.

I'm not calling the girl from Comic-Con.

All right, more Sailor Moon for me.

I just threw up the bachelor party.

Please come out, Bernadette.
Let's talk through this.

No, leave me alone.

You should give him a taste of his own
medicine. Have a cousin you find attractive?



Hey, you introduced her to the sleazebag.
I'm just trying to clean up your mess.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

I need to talk to Bernadette.

Well, I don't think she wants to
talk to anyone right now.

All right. Well, could you at least
give her a message?

Yeah, sure, I guess.

Tell her I'm really sorry.

And if she doesn't want to marry me,
I get it.

But what I really want her to know is
that the guy that she's disgusted by... the guy that I'm disgusted by too,
but that guy doesn't exist anymore.

He's gone.

And the reason is because of her.


...if this relationship is over...

...let her know that
she made me a better man...

...and tell her thank you.

Oh, my God, Howard.

That's the most beautiful thing
I've ever heard.

And it came out of you.


Penny has a message for you.

I heard.

Your voice, not unlike your mother's,
travels through walls.

Do you want me to go?


Come here.

- I'm still really mad at you.
- I get that.

Anything else about your past
I should know?

Couple of things, but most of them
happened overseas. I'll tell you later.


So is the wedding still on?

Yeah, the wedding's still on.


Thank God, I'm still a maid of honor.

Oh, what the hell?

This is kind of hot.


What's with the robe?

I'm going to have sex with you right here
right now on that washing machine.

No, you're not.

Come on, please?

You wanna do something,
you can help me fold this sheet.

Folding a sheet in my underwear...

...still pretty crazy.

[English - US - SDH]