The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 14 - The Beta Test Initiation - full transcript

Leonard and Penny develop a system to ensure their dates go smoothly. Raj finally finds a woman he can talk to - the virtual assistant on his mobile phone.


I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper...

...and welcome to the premiere episode
of Sheldon Cooper Presents:

Fun with Flags.

Over the next 52 weeks... and I are going to explore
the dynamic world of vexillology.

Hang on, Dr. C. What's vexillology?

Vexillology is the study of flags.


I think I just learned something.

- Did you have fun doing it?
- I'll say.

Fun and information
are two sides to this video podcast.

Not unlike the only two-sided state flag:

Oh, look.

Hello, Mr. Beaver.

In future episodes,
we'll answer some burning questions.

What's the only non-rectangular flag?

What animal appears most often on flags?

What animal appears second most often
on flags?

And more.


Why are you waving a white flag?

I'm surrendering to fun.


Now, today's episode of Fun with Flags
is not fun...

...but it is important.

Flags, you gotta know how to hold them... gotta know how to fold them.

Let's start by identifying
the parts of our flag.

- This edge is the hoist and it's used to...
- Excuse me. Sorry, excuse me.


Did you not see we are rolling?

I'm having dinner with Penny.
I have to get out of here.

And I have flag knowledge
that I have to get out of here.


- You okay?
- No, I'm a little rattled.

But like the flag over Fort Sumter,
I'm still here.

And take two.

Hello. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper...

...and welcome to the premiere episode
of Sheldon Cooper Presents:

Fun with Flags.

Over the next 52 weeks... and I are going to explore
the dynamic world of vexillology.

Hang on, Dr. Cooper.
What's vexillology?

Vexillology is...
Why is there a face on that flag?

It's Ferdinand T. Flag.

I thought he might help
bring in some younger viewers.

Confound it, you're right.
It's brilliant. Let's take it from the top.

That was a really nice dinner.

- I'm glad you asked me out again.
- Me too. I missed you.

You see me all the time.

You sure you just don't miss the sex?


Well, yeah, sex with you is pretty great.
Have you ever tried it? Heh, heh.

I have. You are not wrong.

If we're gonna try dating again,
we should take things slow.

Oh, I can take it slow.

Did I tell you about my girlfriend
in high school, Karen Berberick?

To this day she doesn't know
we were going out.

Made it easier on her
when I broke things off.

Okay, well, maybe not that slow.

How about this:

Are you familiar with the typical
development for computer software?

You know, just for fun,
let's say I'm not.

Before an application is released,
they give it a trial run.

We could do that.

And if we hit a rough spot,
instead of getting mad, we say:

"Hey, we found a bug"
and report it, so it can be fixed.

You mean like a beta test?

Technically, this would be an alpha test.

A beta test requires people that
weren't involved in the develop...

Seriously? Do I not get credit
for knowing beta test?

No, you should. Absolutely.
That was me being pedantic.

And that's our first bug.

You reported it, I can fix that.
See? This is good.

All right. Let's give it a shot.

Great. You keep a list, I'll keep a list,
at some point, we'll exchange.

- Okay. Good night, Leonard.
- Night.

Attaboy, Hofstadter.

Nothing gets the ladies hotter
than software development analogies.

- Hey, I'm back.

Take 47.

Well, here's an interesting fact
about flags.

I will take that action.

"The flags of Liechtenstein and Haiti
were identical by coincidence.

A fact that wasn't discovered
until they competed against each other... the 1936 Olympics."

And thankfully, their embarrassment
was overshadowed by rise of Fascism.

Let's see the new phone.

I stopped on the way to work.

Hey. Do you wanna
peel the plastic off with me?

Really? Me?

- That's, like, the best part.
- Grab a corner.

Whoa, what's your hurry, cowboy?

Savor the moment.

Oh, yeah.

Speaking of cowboys... you know what country
has not one, but two cows on its flag?

The tiny landlocked nation of Andorra.

Ooh! The next classic episode
of Sheldon Cooper Presents:

Fun With Flags is writing itself.

Oh, let me try the voice recognition.

Hey, I let you peel the plastic,
don't get greedy.

- Hello?


What's your name?

My name? It's Siri.

Look at that. There's finally a woman
in your life you can talk to.

Are you single?

I don't have a marital status,
if that's what you're asking.

Yeah, you're right, that's too personal.
We hardly know each other.

How about a cup of coffee?

I found six coffee shops.

Three of them are fairly close to you.

I will see you gentlemen later.

She is gonna break his heart.

For someone who has a machine
that can travel anywhere in time...

...Doctor Who sure does have a thing
for modern-day London.

Careful. It's that kind of sass
that can get a person uninvited... this year's Who Con.

We're not counting this as a date,
are we?

I'm... I'm not sure,
but I think the right answer here is "no."

Bug report: When a guy asks me
to spend time with him...

...he plans
something more interesting...

...than hanging out at home,
watching TV.

Even Doctor Who?

- Even Doctor Who.
SHELDON: All right, that's it.

Who Con, you're out.

Okay, bug report taken.

Next time, I will have a better plan
for our evening's activity.

Well, thank you. I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah. Oh, wait. Here. Almost forgot.

- Here.
- What's this?

My bug report to you.

Well, it's quite a list you got there.

It's color-coded.

Red means "fix right away."

Yellow is "whenever you get a chance."

And green is "I could probably learn
to live with it."

There's a key down here at the bottom.
It's neat, huh?


So have a good night.


Look at that.

Someday, we will tell future generations
that dating used to be hard.

What's baffling me is what you
could have possibly put on the list.

Hair too golden?

Laugh too musical?

World too much a better place
for her mere presence in it?

How about constantly talks
with food in her mouth?

Her heart's full of love,
no one cares what's in her mouth.

So, Siri...

...what's happening? How are you?

I am well.

What are you doing right now?

What am I doing? I'm talking with you.

You have a beautiful voice.

Thank you. It's nice to be appreciated.

I bet it is.

Why don't women like me?

Let me check on that.

How about a web search
for "Why don't women like me?"

Well, no need. I've already done that.

Uh, Siri, do you have a last name?

My name is Siri.

Ah, one name.

Like Cher, Madonna, Adele.

All the women who rock me.

My name is Rajesh,
but you can call me Raj.

Would you like me to call you "Raj"?

I'd like you to call me "sexy."

From now on, I'll call you "sexy." Okay?


Siri, I'm in the mood for gelato.

I found 10 restaurants
whose reviews mention gelato.

Seven of them are fairly close to you.

Thank you, darling.

You're most certainly welcome, sexy.

- Well done, Dr. Koothrappali.
- I'm sorry?

You've taken
a great evolutionary leap... abandoning human interaction
and allowing yourself... romantically bond
with a soulless machine.


I haven't bonded with it.

Oh, no, of course. I understand.

You're afraid the world isn't ready
for your taboo love.

Your secret's safe with me.
It's just a phone.



Heads up.

Professor Rothman urinated
in the particle physics lab again... we're gonna move up
his retirement party.

Friday, 5:00. Pot luck.

Thanks, Barry.

Siri, remind me Friday morning
to make my famous popovers.

All right, I'll remind you.

You got Siri, huh?

Voice recognition on that thing
is terrible. Look.

Siri, can you recommend a restaurant?

I'm sorry, Bawwy.

I don't understand
"wecommend a westauwant."

Listen to me.
Not restaurant. Restaurant.

I don't know what you mean
by "Not westauwant. Westauwant."

See? Total crap. You suck, Siri.

Hey, don't talk to her like that.
She's a lady.

Well, that "lady" took high-res pictures
of my junk last night for Craigslist.


It's open.

Hey, you ready to go?

Yeah, ju...
Hang on, let me just finish this chapter.

- Well, can you finish it later?
- No, I can't.

Reading books is a big part
of my life now because, you know:

"We'd have more fun things to talk about
if I read more."

Great. Good, great.
What are you reading?

Two Weeks to Rock-Hard Abs.

They kind of spoil the ending
right in the name of that, don't they?

All right. Look.
Just remember how this works.

We don't get mad about these things.

Speaking of which, I've addressed
your bug report on my date planning.

I've got a really fun evening for you.
It's kind of a surprise.

All right, terrific. Let me just go
find a pair of shoes that aren't so tall.

We wouldn't want you to feel like you
were "out for a walk with your mommy."

Thank you.

Oh, here's my list for you. Right there.


All right, fair enough.

I certainly can be quieter
when we kiss.

It was an expression of passion...

...but if it's coming across
as "juicy and weird," who wants that?

It... It...

I'm sorry, can you be more specific
on how my eyebrows are "stupid"?

No, never mind. It's right here.

- Good timing. Dinner's almost ready.
- Great.

Oh, smells amazing in here.

- Yeah, what are we eating?
- An exotic little treat.

I was just talking to Siri
about Peking duck...

...she said she knew
about four Chinese grocers...

...two of which are fairly close to me.

Her spontaneity is contagious.

Who's Siri?
Is he dating somebody new?

Yes. His phone.

Is that cute or creepy?


Can I pour you some wine?
I think you'll enjoy it.

Traditional choice with Peking duck
is a sauvignon blanc...

...but Siri suggested an off-dry Riesling.

I wasn't sure...

...but I didn't wanna have an argument
with her in the middle of Trader Joe's.

Now, what should we put Siri in
for dinner?

Leopard, sparkles?

Or to paraphrase Coco Chanel:

"You can never go wrong
with a little black case."

Siri, play some smooth jazz.

Playing smooth jazz.


Oh, my God, Kenny G.

This woman can read me like a book.

I can't believe I bought my soul mate
at Glendale Galleria.

I don't know if I wanna stay.

This is amazing.
How did you even get this idea?

I called your dad. I asked what things
you liked to do when you were a kid.

This seemed easier than getting a cow
out here so you could tip it.

Okay, you're kind of really great.

For a person whose neck massages...

...feel like an eagle
is trying to carry you to its nest?

Bug report. I complimented you.
You should take it and shut up.

Right, sorry. Sorry.

- And stop apologizing all the time.
- Right. Sorry.

All right, let's shoot stuff.

Do you want me
to show you what to do?

I play a lot of "Grand Theft Auto."
I think I know how to handle a gat.

Wow, you are cute
when you get all gangsta.



So I've got a gunshot wound.

That's pretty badass.

No, you've got a Reebok
with a gunshot wound...

...and an ouchie on your pinky toe.

Hello? They gave me a Band-Aid.

Hospitals do not issue Band-Aids unless
it is medically necessary. That is the law.


Well, thank you for a really cool evening.

Thank you for hiding my Star Wars
socks at the emergency room.

Is it a good time to evaluate the beta test
and see where we stand?

Things are looking good.

So are we still taking things slow?

Because a gunshot wound today...

...last week I slammed my thumb.

We don't know how much time I have.

Good night, you.



First door on the left.

Thank you.


[IN ROBOTIC VOICE] Dave, I found six
vacuum-cleaner repair shops in your area.

Four are fairly close to you.


Hello, sexy. What can I help you with?

If you'd like to make love to me
just tell me.


I'm sorry. I don't understand:



[English - US - SDH]