The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 13 - The Recombination Hypothesis - full transcript

Leonard and Penny contemplate reviving their romantic relationship.

You feel like trying
something new for dinner?

Maybe Indian, Tex-Mex?

You ever wonder how
humans would be different

if they evolved from lizards
instead of mammals?

Okay, let's talk
about that.

As you know, lizards--
cold-blooded animals--

lack the ability to
sense temperature.

But they do move more
sluggishly when it's cold.

So, lizard weathermen
would say things like,

"Bring a sweater,
it's slow outside."

I love my mind.

We all do.

Now, how about dinner?

Oh, I would assume we'd enjoy
insects or smaller lizards.

We could also pull each other's
tails off and grill them;

they'll just grow back.


My life-size cardboard
Mr. Spock is here!

I know he wouldn't care for
an outburst of human emotion,

but, oh, goodie, oh,
goodie, oh, goodie.

Commander Spock requesting
permission to be unfolded.

Excuse me.

Permission granted, Commander.

Which is why the more
intelligent the monkey,

the more feces they fling.

Excuse me, Amy.

Penny, do you have plans
for dinner tonight?

Why, you guys going somewhere?

No, I mean just you and me.

You mean, like a date?

Not like a date, a date.


Um... o-okay.



Oh, no!

They sent the wrong Spock!

Live long and suck it,
Zachary Quinto.

The Big Bang Theory 5x13
The Recombination Hypothesis
Original Air Date on January 19, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

This is so exciting.

If Leonard and Penny
get back together,

Howard and I can go on
double dates with them.

How come you never invite
Sheldon and me on a double date?

Mm, uh...

How's it going
in there, Penny?!

Just a sec.

Too much?


Okay, just hang on.

You just can't handle
her raw sexuality, can you?

When did you and Leonard
break up?

Uh, about two years ago.

Why do you think
he asked you out again?

I don't know.

Maybe he's dying.

That would be so romantic.

He's not dying.

Too bad.

If he were, she could just
throw him in bed

and ride him
right up until he flatlines.

How about this?

Come on.

Yeah, okay, no.

Do you think
you'll sleep with him tonight?

Absolutely not.

Look, we're just
gonna have dinner

and, you know,
see how it goes.

If he were dying,
would you sleep with him?


Assuming he were
dying of something

that couldn't be
sexually transmitted.

You know, like a spear wound
to the head.

Okay, he is not dying.

How do you know?
Are you a doctor?

You can make-believe, though.

Sometimes Howard and I pretend
that his arrhythmia is acting up

and I'm a sexy cardiologist.

And the naughty part is
I'm not in his HMO network.

Screw it. I'm not gonna
make a big deal out of this.

It's just dinner.

With a dead man.

Amy, stop it.

Oh, God, I'm so nervous.


You know Leonard's
always been crazy about you.

It's gonna be great.

I know, but we've finally
gotten to a place

where we can hang out
without it being weird.

And what if something
goes wrong? Then what?

Guess it'll just
be Sheldon and me

going on a double date
with Howard and Bernadette.

Sure, we'd love that.

Change your clothes;
we got a lot riding on this.


I want to build a road,

but I need wood.

Do either of you fellows
have wood?

I don't understand the laughter.

The object of Settlers of Catan

is to build roads
and settlements.

To do so requires wood.

Now, I have sheep; I need wood.

Who has wood for my sheep?

Okay, how do I look?

More to the point, why
are you doing this?

What are you talking about?

Did you forget
what Penny did to you?

It took you two years
and defiling my sister

to turn that frown upside down.

I didn't defile your sister,
we had a relationship.

I heard you call her
Brown Sugar.

In my book,
that's defilement.

You want to know my opinion?

Oh, boy, do I!



All right, then.

The reason you're fixated on

a good-natured simpleton
like Penny is that

she's the exact opposite of
your first romantic attachment:

your brilliant
yet intimidating mother.

Where on earth
did you get that from?

It's in her book,
Needy Baby, Greedy Baby.

That doesn't make it true.

It's called nonfiction
for a reason, Leonard.

See you later.

If they ever make
a movie version

of that book, you know who
should play Leonard's mother?

Sandra Bullock.


Because she's great
in everything.

Now, where were we?

Oh, yes.
Does anyone have any wood?

Oh, come on!

I just want wood.

Why are you making it so hard?

So, do they have a name
for a first date

with someone
you used to go out with?

Oh, that's a good question.

How about "awkward"?

Yeah, that sounds right.


Hey, how about if we pretend
we're actually on a first date?

See how that goes.


So, Polly,
tell me about yourself.

It's Penny.

Oh, sorry, yeah.

Okay, uh, let's see.

I'm from Nebraska, and ever
since I was a little girl,

I dreamed of moving to L.A.
and becoming a movie star.


after four years of acting
lessons and waiting tables,

I've done
a hemorrhoid commercial

and a production of Anne Frank
above a bowling alley.

So, you know,
dreams do come true.

Your turn.

Uh, let's see.

Uh, I am an experimental
physicist at Cal-Tech,

most of my research is
with high-powered lasers,

and, oh, I've just gotten
a big government grant

to see if they can be used
to knock out

incoming ballistic missiles.

Wow. Can they?

Oh, God, no.

The money's pretty good.

And I used the equipment
to make my own Bat-signal.


What are you, some kind of nerd?

Not some kind of nerd,
I'm the king of the nerds.

What does that mean?

Uh, it means
if anyone displeases me,

I don't help them
set up their printer.

You are so funny.


Remember that
when I take my shirt off.

Leonard, this is nice.

I'm so glad we did this.

Me, too.

So what do you think?

Are we gonna get back together?

Whoa. Not so fast.

I'm sorry, what did I say?

Leonard, you know I will always
have feelings for you.

Oh, God.

You said "always."

You'll always have
feelings for me.


So, that sounds more like

something you'd say
if you didn't want

a relationship with someone.

"This isn't working out,

but I'll always have
feelings for you."

"I'm sorry I slept
with your best friend,

but I'll always have
feelings for you."

"Here's the thing, Lisa,

I'm into dudes now, but I'll
always have feelings for you."

How would you say it?

I have feelings for you.

It's the same thing.
No, it's not.

"Always" made it worse.

You're overthinking this.

No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.

You always overthink things.

Th-There you go.
"Always" made it worse.

See, this is where everything
goes wrong: when we talk.

Well, I don't know how you have
a relationship without talking.

Hey, I went out with this guy TJ

for eight months,
we never talked.

To this day, I don't even know
what TJ stands for.

Wait, if you guys
didn't talk, what--

Never mind, stupid question.

And now that I have
some wood,

I'm going to begin
the erection of my settlement.

He's got to be
doing this on purpose.

Ooh, 8:30.

You and Penny decide to go out
and paint the town beige?

You're 30 years old
and you live with your mother.

I guess it didn't go well.

We don't know that.

Not to a certainty.

All we know
is that Leonard is home.

How about now?

Again, not enough

For all we know,
he's being murdered.

Now, back to our game.

You were in the middle
of an erection.

Oh, of course.
It's right here in my hand.

What does she want from me now?

What's up?

Do not overthink this.

I don't understand.

Okay, but earlier
it seemed like...

No talking.

Even during? 'Cause
sometimes I have questions.

Well, that was fun.

Yeah, except for when I got
the foot cramp.

You hung in there, though.

There was a lot at stake.

So what do you
want to do now?

Well, I want to go get
my asthma inhaler,

but it might ruin the moment.

Just, just
help me out here.

How does a miserable date
end in sex?

I don't know,
it's complicated.

Well, I'm
a pretty smart guy,

and right now my brain has
dibs on the blood supply,

so give it a go.

Okay, it's just,

at the restaurant
when you said

you wanted us to
be together again,

it got very real very
fast and I panicked.


What are you
afraid of?

Well, what if
we do go out

and I do something stupid
and dump you again?

What if I dump you?

Come on, be serious.

Well, how about
if we don't think

about this
as a relationship?

It could be more like
a new version of software.

Penny and Leonard 2.0.

We can test it internally,
shake out the bugs,

and if we both feel
it's solid,

then we'll roll it out
to the public.

So we don't tell people
we're back together?


We pretend like our date
went badly.

Well, we don't really
have to pretend.

And we let them think
that we decided

to just be friends

and that everything's cool.

Okay, great.

Hey, I just remembered.

I still got one
of your inhalers.

I can't believe
you kept this.

Yeah, I was gonna throw it
away, but I just couldn't.

That is so sweet.

In 25 to 30 minutes
I'm gonna show you

how much
this means to me.


Yeah, hi, hi.

How's it going?

Uh, can't complain.

Thanks for asking.

Well, what were you doing out
at 3:00 in the morning?

Well, uh, uh...
what are you doing up?

I was using the bathroom.

Yeah, well, so was I.


I didn't see you in there.

Obviously... when I saw
that you were in ours,

I went and used another one.


The, the gas station
across the street.

In your pajamas?


Without shoes?


On a cold
winter's night?


Seems unlikely.

Did you bring
your asthma inhaler?

Uh, uh, uh, yes, I did.

Well, then,
I guess it's plausible.

D-- hang on a
second, mister.


After you used the facilities
at the gas station,

did you make a purchase?


It's customary, when
using the restroom

at a retail establishment,
to make a small purchase.

Did you?


Here's two dollars.

Go buy some beef jerky.

I don't want beef jerky.

It's not about you.

It's about a poor immigrant
from Pakistan

trying to make his way
in America

by working the graveyard shift

at the Colorado Boulevard


Needy Baby, Greedy Baby indeed.

Leonard will be here
in a moment.

He's looking
for a different parking space.


We were next to a car

with an "Ask me about my
grandchildren" bumper sticker,

and I was afraid if we ran
into them on the way out,

I'd be obligated
to do so.

I'm so disappointed it didn't
work with him and Penny.

Me, too.

Out of deference
to them,

let's not flaunt our
happy relationship.

You have a keen insight
into the human heart,

Amy Farrah Fowler.

We are next to a Suburu with
a Gore/Lieberman bumper sticker.

Well, I doubt they'd want to
talk about that, so we're fine.

I'm surprised to see you here

after it went
so badly with Penny.

Well, hey, we're grown-ups.

We can still be friends.

Boy, I don't know if I
could be friends with Howie

if we broke up.

Why not?

I'm a very vengeful person.


With access
to weaponized smallpox.

Here you go, guys, let me get
you going with some water.

You need menus
or you know what you want?

Leonard knows what he wants,
but it looks

like he's not gonna
get it from you.


that's okay, Bernadette.

Sometimes these things
just don't work out.

Yeah, it's all good.

We-We'll always have
feelings for each other.

Oh, that's nice.

See, she knew
what "always" meant.

Wow, you're like a dog
with a bone, aren't you?

I'm just making a point.

Is the point that you don't know
when to let something go?

People, people,

before you say

something you
both regret,

I'd like to place my order.

Yeah, just hang on, Sheldon.

You know why we can't be

Because you always have
to be right.

Oh, that is not true.

I got to go
with Leonard on this.

He is wrong
more than anyone I know.

You know what?
I just realized I'm on a break.

I'll get someone else.


Leonard, promise me that when
our new waitress comes over,

you will not start a complicated
on-again, off-again relationship

with her,
because I am very, very hungry.


Mind explaining to me
why you were being

such a jerk at the restaurant?

I was trying to act like
we weren't seeing each other.

That was the plan, right?

the plan was to tell people
we decided to stay friends.

That's a little hard to do

when you're always being
such a tool bag.

You know what? I don't have to
stand here and take this crap.

The hell do you think
you're going?

Isn't sex after fighting
kind of what we do now?!

Yeah, kind of, yeah.

What are we doing?

What do you mean?

Every scenario I play out
for you and me ends badly.

That's because you
overthink everything.

Leonard, are you listening
to me?


This is a disaster.

I distinctly ordered

the Leonard Nimoy Mr.
Spock cardboard standee.

Why would
I feel safer

with Zachary Quinto
at the foot of my bed?

I don't know, he was
pretty badass on Heroes.

You're right, I'll
give him a shot.

Hang on.

Penny, do you have
plans for dinner?

Why, you guys going somewhere?

No, I mean just you and me.


Uh, have you thought
this through?

Yes, and I think
we should go anyway.

No, can't do it.

Sorry, Quinto,
you're going back.

If you and Leonard
get back together,

Sheldon and I
will finally have someone

to go on double dates with.

What about me and Howard?

Fine, we can double
with you, too.

So insecure.

Where are you guys going to eat?


Do you, Penny, take Leonard to
be your lawful wedded husband?

Well, it's
a little late for me

to start saying no,
isn't it?


just remembered

I've got to stop
at the drugstore.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==