The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 15 - The Friendship Contraction - full transcript

Leonard signs out of his roommate agreement, reducing himself and Sheldon to mere acquaintances, while Howard tries to think of a cool astronaut nickname for himself.

- What the hell?
- Emergency-preparedness drill.

- Oh, no. Come on.
- Yeah, you know how it works.

Once a quarter, keep our readiness up.

Now, rise and shine, sleepy head.
Half the town is probably dead.

I have to get a lock for my door.

I think you'll like the drill tonight.
I've tried to make it fun.

Each of these cards contains a detailed
scenario of a possible apocalyptic event.

Everything from wildfires
to a surprise invasion by Canada.

Pick a catastrophe, any catastrophe.

Sheldon, Canada is not
going to invade California.

Yeah, really? You think those hippies
in washington and Oregon can stop them?

Oh. Fine.

Alrighty. An 8.2-magnitude
earthquake devastates Pasadena...

reducing mighty edifices to dust,
engulfing the city in flames...

the streets flow with blood
and echo with the cries of the wounded.

Oh, excellent choice.
Now, put on your hard hat and safety vest.

Oh, fun. L get to spend
another night in front of our apartment...

dressed like one of the Village People.

You make that joke every three months,
I still don't get it. Leonard, wait.

- What are you doing?
- I don't know. What am I doing?

Look around you, there's hypothetical
broken glass everywhere.

Really? You're going to face Armageddon
without your orthotics? Your choice.

- Uh-oh! Hypothetical aftershock.
- Unh! Aah!

And that's why we wear hard hats.

Check it out. Press release. From NASA.

Ahem. "Expedition 31 will launch this
spring to the International Space Station."

Crew members will include
Commander Tom 'Tombo' Johnson...

"...astronaut Mike 'Supernova' Novacelik,
and payload specialist Howard Wolowitz."

This is going right into
my synagogue's newsletter.

If you're going to be an astronaut,
you need to pick a cool nickname.

I don't get to.
The other guys have to give it to me.

Oh. If I had one,
it would be Brown Dynamite.

Are you not listening to me? The other
astronauts have to give you your nickname.

Are you not looking at me?
I am Brown Dynamite.

Why do you put six sugars
in your coffee?

Because the cafeteria doesn't offer
little packets of methamphetamine.

- Emergency drill night last night, huh?
- Uh-huh.

- How'd you do?
- I'll tell you exactly how he did.

- Unsatisfactory.
- Barely.

A little too much.

Not only will he
probably die in a fiery inferno...

"...his incessant whining would
most certainly spoil everyone else's day."

You know what, I'm so tired I can't
even think straight. I'm going home.

Can one of you
give this nutbag a ride later?

You can't go home.
You have to take me to the dentist at 4:00.

Oh. Can't you take the
bus to the dentist?

Of course I can.

It's coming back under the effects
of the anesthesia that's the problem.

Two years ago,
after a deep gum cleaning...

I thought I got on a bus but somehow
wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico.

- They put you under for a cleaning?
- Yeah, they have to. I'm a biter.

Okay, whatever. Sheldon, I'm exhausted.
I'm not taking you to the dentist.

Wrong, sir. Wrong. Under Section 37B
of the Roommate Agreement...

Miscellaneous Duties, you are
obligated to take me to the dentist.

See? Here, after "providing a confirmation
sniff on questionable dairy products."

You know what?
I am sick of the Roommate Agreement.

It's ridiculous, I'm your roommate,
not your chauffeur.

I had better things to do yesterday...

than drive you to the good
model train store in Garden Grove...

because the one in Pasadena
has gotten too big for its britches.

Well, it has. Ask anybody.

I don't care. I'm done.

Hold on. Are you saying that
you want to invoke Clause 209?

I don't know what that is, but if it means
I can go home and sleep, then yes.

Think carefully here.
Clause 209 suspends our friendship...

and strips the Roommate Agreement
to its essentials.

Our responsibilities toward
each other would be rent...

utilities and a perfunctory chin jut
of recognition as we pass in the hall.

What's up?

Where do I sign?

Right here. Use your finger.

- There. Done.
- All right.

That's it. We are now
no longer companions, boon or otherwise.

We are now merely acquaintances.

To amend the words of Toy Story,
you have not got a friend in me.

- I'm gonna go home and take a nap.
- Yeah, well, tell it to someone who cares.

I got pretty exciting NASA news today.

Next week, I fly to Houston for orientation
and zero-gravity elimination drills.

- What does that mean?
- He's gonna learn to poop in space.

Open the pod bay doors, HAL.

Maybe your nickname
should be Brown Dynamite.

Hello, dear friends. And Dr. Hofstadter.

What's up?

My apologies.

I would've been here
sooner but the bus kept

stopping for other
people to get on it.

I saved you a dumpling.

Oh. Your concern for me is touching.

It will serve you well
when you take me to the dentist tomorrow.

I'm sorry, Sheldon, I'm busy. I'm right
in the middle of my addiction study.

I've got a lab full of alcoholic monkeys,
and tomorrow we switch them to O'Doul's.

You're my girlfriend and
you're not going to cater to my every need?

Oh, where'd the magic go?

Sheldon, that's not
what girlfriends are for.

Although, you don't use them
for what they're for, so what do I know?

Howard doesn't make me
do his shopping, take him to the dentist...

or pick up his dry
cleaning, right?

Absolutely. But when
Ma's hips give out...

you're up, kid.

Well, if Amy's too busy,
it gives the rest of

you an opportunity to
make my life easier...

thus assuring yourselves
a footnote in my memoirs...

tentatively entitled
You're Welcome, Mankind.

All right, then. Just shout when you hear
the task you want to undertake.

Uh, dentist.

Okay, we can circle back
to that one. Um...

Who wants to take me Wednesday morning
to get new heels put on my dress shoes?

Anyone? Oh.

That one had "hoot" written all over it.

Um, all right. Uh, dermatologist.




Okay, okay, here's a fun one.

Um, I need a new picture frame and
I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs.

Who wants to spend the day
with me at lkea?

- Their meatballs are good.
- What?

Nothing. Nothing.

Hello, Stuart.

Oh, hey, Sheldon.
Can I help you find something today?

No, I was just sitting at home...

thinking about how it might be nice
to catch up with my ninth-favorite person.

- Ninth?
- You moved up one.

My pen pal in Somalia
was kidnapped by pirates.

So, uh, how are you?

Uh, not so good.
My shrink just killed himself...

and blamed me in the note.

Great, great.

So, what's new with your family?
How's your mother? Ls she alive?


- Your father. Alive?
- Yes.

- How about your grandparents, they alive?
- No.

Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss.

On a cheerier note, I have a teeth-cleaning
appointment this afternoon.

What do you say you take me over there,
buddy boy?

Sorry, you want me to take
you to the dentist?

Yes. And, now,
I can't make any promises...

but that's the sort of
thing that gets a fella

on the list for the
number eight friend slot.

Sheldon, I'm working.
I can't take you to the dentist.

Also, and I can't stress this enough,
I don't want to take you to the dentist.

Can't help a friend out
in a time of need, huh?

I see where your therapist
was coming from.

Ooh, ooh. What about we make
your astronaut nickname...

Howard "Buzz" Wolowitz?

You can't do Buzz. Buzz is taken.

Buzz Lightyear is not real.

No, that's not what I'm talking about.

Well, are you talking about
when he thought he was real?


Okay, um, oh, how about Crash?
Howard "Crash" Wolowitz.

Terrific. The astronauts
would love hurtling

through space with
a guy named Crash.

All right, uh, how about...?
Oh, how about Rocket Man?

That's not bad.
Howard "Rocket Man" Wolowitz.

It's great, but I told you,
I don't get to pick my nickname.

It has to come from the other astronauts.

Maybe there's a way
to get them to come up with it.

Like how?

Once I tried carrying around
a Duncan yo-yo...

hoping the other kids
would start calling me Duncan.

Did it work?

No, they ended up
calling me Sock Mouth...

because they took away my yo-yo
and stuffed their socks in my mouth.

Okay. Uh, what if we make
"Rocket Man" your ringtone...

and the next time you talk to those
guys, I'll call you and they'll hear it.

That's not a terrible plan.

They don't call me
Brown Dynamite for nothing.

- What's up?
- What's up?

You ever make it to the dentist?

Not necessary. I found
a service that'll send

a van to your house
for a teeth cleaning.

Mostly they cater to dogs...

but the fellow on the phone
seemed to have an open mind.

All right, Sheldon, if you need me to
take you to the dentist, I will take you.

Are you suggesting
that you've come to your senses...

and wish to reestablish the benefits
that stem from the Roommate Agreement?

Absolutely. If you admit
you're a 30-year-old

man incapable of
functioning on his own.

Ooh. Sock Mouth's got him on the ropes.

I will admit nothing of the sort.
And now, if you'Il excuse me...

I have to call my dentist and see if I can
get my hair shampooed and nails clipped.

- Oh, good, your power's out too.
- Why is that good?

Last month, I sent the electric company
a Starbucks gift card...

an apology note
and a few snapshots of me in a bra.

Power failure.
Implementing power-failure protocol.

What happened to all your glow-in-the-dark
emergency-exit stuff painted on the floor?

Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic.

Anyway, too bad you're no longer entitled
to the full benefits of my friendship...

because I happen to be
extremely prepared for such an emergency.

Please try not to see anything
by this light.

It's not for you.

It's a blackout,
I'm sure the power will be back on soon.

And I'm sure some fool in the Donner Party
said the snow would stop any day now.

I like to think they ate him first.

I got candles in my apartment.

Candles? During a blackout?
Are you mad? That's a fire hazard.

No, Pasadena Water and Power
recommends the far safer glow stick.

You call that a glow stick?

That is a glow stick.

Come on, let's go.

Before you go, consider this:

Not only do I have a deep-cycle
marine battery power source...

more than capable of running
our entertainment system...

I also have all 61 episodes
of the BBC series Red Dwarf.

And Fiddle Faddle.

All yours if you're willing to reinstate
the Roommate Agreement.

I've got wine at my place
and some bubble wrap we could pop.

He'll be back. Wine and a girl in the dark,
he's gonna be bored out of his mind.

To wine and bubble wrap.

And to not having to watch Sheldon
demonstrate his reverse-osmosis machine...

that converts urine into drinking water.

You know, in Girl Scouts, Tammie Dineesha
said you could do that with panty hose.

Boy, was she wrong.

Anyway, you wanna make out?

I thought because our relationship's in a
beta test, you wanted to take things slow.

Okay. Do you wanna make out slow?

I can go so slow it'll be like
there's a snail in your mouth.


Lucky for you
there's nothing else to do right now.

- Excuse me, Leonard.
- Since when don't you knock?

It's, like, the only good thing about you.

Social niceties have been suspended.
We're in a state of emergency.

The world has descended
into darkened turmoil...

lawlessness and savagery
are the order of the day.

- Fine, what is it?
- I'm making s'mores.

I wanted to alert you in case you smelled
caramelizing marshmallows...

and thought
a nearby candy factory was on fire.

- S'mores, huh? Good for you.
- Yes.

Or good for us if you sign here and
reinstate the full Roommate Agreement.

No, thanks, I'm good.

Really? Oh.

Okay. Ln that case,
I will have a s'more by myself.

And then I'm gonna have some more.

By myself.

- Aw.
- Now, don't "aw" him...

he brought all this on himself.

- But he's sad.
- No, he's crazy.

Sometimes crazy looks like sad
so it'll suck you back in.

I think he misses his little buddy.


But mark my words, this frustrating bogus
teenage make out session is not over.

You said candles were dangerous.

This is a Bunsen burner.

I'm a scientist. I know what I'm doing.

Oh, drat.

Oh. Lt took me a gallon of urine
to make that water.

Listen, Sheldon, this is stupid.
I don't see why we can't be friends.

I'm willing to drive you
and help you out with stuff...

I just don't want to
because of some agreement.

- What are you proposing?
- That we go back to the way things were.

But when I do something for you,
you show a little appreciation.

How would I do that?

- You say "thank you."
- Every time?

It's not crazy.


We reinstate the full Roommate Agreement
with the following addendum:

In the spirit of Mother's Day
or Father's Day, once a year...

we set aside a day to celebrate
all your contributions to my life...

both actual and imagined by you.

We could call it Leonard's Day.

I kind of like the sound of that.

Of course you do.
It's about you, like everything else.

Oh, thank goodness. I don't think I had it
in me to make another glass of water.

So do I get breakfast in bed
on Leonard's Day?

- No.
- Can I sit in your spot?

- No.
- Could I control the thermostat?

- No.
- Do I get a card?

Of course you get a card.

It's Leonard's Day.

Hey, guys. The building manager said
the reason the power went out...

is someone went into the basement
and pulled the main breaker switch.


Who do you think did that, Sheldon?

Oh, I don't know.

But whoever that mystery man was,
you should be eternally grateful...

for without him,
there would be no Leonard's Day.

Leonard's Day?

No pressure,
just get him a crummy card, you're good.

All right, test my ringtone.

Rocket man

Burning out his fuse up here alone

It really is a good song.

Yeah, there's a reason
he's Sir Elton John.

They don't make you a knight for writing
"Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go."

are you coming down for breakfast?

Ma, I told you, I have a video conference
with NASA! I said don't bother me!

Ooh, listen to Mr. Big-Shot-Astronaut!

Yes, please listen
to Mr. Big-Shot-Astronaut!

Hey. Good morning.

Hey, Howard.
Thanks for getting up so early.

No problem, Dr. Massimino.

The guys here call me Mass.

Mass. That's a cool nickname, because
force equals mass times acceleration.

Yeah. It's just short for Massimino.

Anyway, the plan for this morning
is to go over the...

Sorry. My phone.

What is that? Is that "Rocket Man"?

Yeah, it's my ringtone.
Kind of my favorite song, "Rocket Man."

your Froot Loops are getting soggy!

Not now!

- Who's that?
- My mom. Sorry.

No problem, Fruit Loops.