The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Gothowitz Deviation - full transcript

Sheldon attempts to covertly alter Penny's habits, while Howard and Raj try their luck meeting women at a Goth-style club.

Good morning.
Come dance with me.

{\pos(192,220)}Why not?

While I subscribe
to the many worlds theory

which poses the existence of an infinite
number of Sheldons and universes,

I assure you that none of them
am I dancing.

{\pos(192,220)}Are you fun in any of them?

{\pos(192,220)}The math would suggest
that in a few I'm a clown made of candy.

But I don't dance.

Want some French toast?

It's oatmeal day.

{\pos(192,220)}Tell you what, next French toast day,
I'll make you oatmeal.

{\pos(192,220)}Dear Lord, are you still going
to be here on French toast day?


Penny made French toast.

Sorry I haven't given her
your schedule yet.

It's an iCal download.

She can put it right in her phone.

And I thought we agreed that you'd have
your conjugal visits in her apartment.

We did, but there were
extenuating circumstances.

I see.

Did her abysmal housekeeping skills
finally trump her perkiness?

No, her bed kind of... broke.

That doesn't seem likely.

Her bed's of sturdy construction.

Even the addition of a 2nd normal size
human being wouldn't cause a {\structural }failure.

Much less a homunculus
such as yourself.

A homunculus?

Perfectly formed
miniature human being.

You're my little homunculus.

- Don't do that.
- Sorry.

Who wants syrup
and who wants cinnamon sugar?

I want oatmeal.

I want a boyfriend whose roommate
isn't a giant pain in the ass.

I'm sure
that will happen soon enough.

But in the meantime,
I still want oatmeal.

You know what, I give up.
He's impossible.

I can't be impossible. I exist.

I believe what you meant to say is,
"I give up, he's improbable."

You really need to find a better way
of dealing with Penny.

What am I supposed to do...
eat French toast on a Monday?

Now, that would be impossible.

I'm just saying, you can catch
more flies with honey than with vinegar.

You can catch {\even }more flies with manure.
What's your point?

It's a...

Boy, that does smell good.

Too bad it's Monday.

Episode 303: The Gothowitz Deviation

Sync: Jess, Linwelin, Loky

So Kim the night manager
went on maternity leave,

And her husband's name is Sandy{\, right?}.

{\pos(192,220)}So get this...

{\pos(192,220)}Her replacement
is a woman named Sandy

{\pos(192,220)}whose husband's name is Kim.

I know.

What are the odds?

Easily calculable.

We begin by identifying
a set of married couples

with unisex names.

{\pos(192,210)}We {\then }eliminate those unqualified
for restaurant work...

{\pos(192,210)}The aged, the imprisoned
and the limbless, for example.

Next we look at the...

It's an amazing coincidence.
Can we leave it at that?

{\pos(192,210)}I'm sorry.

{\pos(192,210)}It's as if the Cheesecake Factory
is run by witches.

{\pos(192,210)}It's as if
you don't think I'll punch you.

Come on, you guys, let it go.

Fine, whatever.

Are you finished?

{\pos(192,210)}Thank you.

{\pos(192,210)}How thoughtful.

Would you like a chocolate?

Yeah, sure.


{\pos(192,210)}What was that?

{\pos(192,210)}You said be nice to Penny.

{\pos(192,210)}I believe offering chocolate to someone
falls within the definition of nice.

{\pos(192,210)}It does.
But in my experience, you don't.

{\pos(192,200)}There are more things in heaven
and earth, Horatio,

Than are dreamt of
in your philosophy

{\pos(192,200)}Now that's you.

{\pos(192,180)}Obnoxious and insufferable.

What's going on, day dwellers?

Oh, man, did the Kiss Army
repeal "don't ask, don't tell"?

{\pos(192,210)}Raj and I are going
to a goth club in Hollywood

{\pos(192,210)}to hang with the night people.

- Anybody want to come along?
- You're actually going out like that?

I'm going out like this...

What did you do?

They're called tattoo sleeves.

I got them online.
Raj got a set, too...

Fantastic, right?

Put them on, have hot sex with some
freaky girl with her business pierced,

take them off, and I can still be buried
in a Jewish cemetery.

You know, I've always wanted
to go to a goth nightclub.

- Really?
- Bazinga!

None of you ever see
my practical jokes coming, do you?

Okay, how about you two?
Look, I've got some extra tat sleeves.

Why are you carrying extras?

In case I snag one on
someone's nipple ring.

I think we'll pass.

Is the missus speaking
for the couple now?

In this case, you bet she is.

Yes, she's pushy,
and yes, he's whipped,

but that's not the expression.

Come on, I want to stop at Walgreen's
and pick up some more eyeliner.

They're gonna get beaten up
at that club.

They're gonna get beaten up
at Walgreen's.

Sorry, Sheldon.
I almost sat in your spot.

Did you? I didn't notice.

Have a chocolate.

Thank you.

I think we're fitting in
quite nicely.

It'd help if you weren't
drinking light beer.

What's so gothic
about vodka and cranberry juice?

Hello? It looks like blood.

Did you even read the "wiki how" link
I sent you on being goth?

No, I'm behind on my wiki-reading.

I'm kind of on a John Grisham
kick right now.


I finished reading The Pelican Brief
and loved it so much,

I dived right into The Client.

He was a lawyer himself, so his novels
are accurate as well as entertaining.

Just remember we are lost boys,

children of the night.

Great. Lost boys.
Children of the night. Got it.

Can you pass the chex mix please?

Thank you.

We are lost boys.

Good for you.

I'm actually much more lost
than he is.

Nice ink.

Can we buy you ladies a drink?

Two light beers.

Light beers.
Well, wiki-how about that?

- What's your names?
- I'm Howard.

- Raj.
- I'm Bethany.

- Nice to meet you, Bethany.
- Yes, very nice.

Nice to meet you, too.

I'm Sarah.

Not that anyone cares.

Do either of you ladies enjoy
the novels of John Grisham?

What's this cartoon called again?

Oshikuru: Demon Samurai.

It's not a cartoon.

It's anime.


{\You know, }I knew a girl in high school
named Anna May.

Anna May Fletcher.

She was born with one nostril.

Then she had this bad nose job
and basically wound up with three.

You're here a lot now.

Am I talking too much?
I'm sorry. Zip.

Thank you.


Yes, please.

Hey, Kim.

You know what, hold on.
Let me take this in the hall.

You'll never guess
who they got to replace you at work.

- I know what you're doing.
- Really?

Yes, you're using chocolates
as positive reinforcement

for what you consider
correct behavior.

Very good.

- Chocolate?
- No, I don't want any chocolate!

You can't train my girlfriend
like a lab rat.

Actually, it turns out I can.

Well, you shouldn't.

There's just no pleasing you,
is there{\leonard}?

You weren't happy

with my previous approach{\to dealing with her},

so I decided to employ operant
conditioning techniques,

building on the works
of Thorndike and {\B.F.}Skinner.

By this time next week,

I believe I can have her
jumping out of a pool,

balancing a beach ball on her nose.

No, this has to stop now.

I'm not suggesting we really
make her jump out of a pool.

I thought the "bazinga" was implied.

We're just tweaking her personality.

Sanding off the rough edges,
if you will.

No. You're not sanding Penny.

Are you saying that I am forbidden

from applying a harmless,
scientifically valid protocol

that will make our lives better?

Yes. You're forbidden.

Bad Leonard.

So, what do you guys do?

You know, goth stuff.

Goth magazines, goth music.

{\pos(192,220)}Goth food.

{\pos(192,220)}What's goth food?

{\pos(192,220)}Blackened salmon?

No, I meant what do you do for jobs?

We're scientists.

Yeah, you know, the dark sciences.

What are the dark sciences?

Well, I am an astrophysicist,

and a lot of that
takes place at night.

When there are vampires

and miscellaneous
undead out and about.

Oy vay.

That sounds really cool.

Does it? Okay.
If you like space stuff,

I design components
for the International Space Station,

which is in space.

Where, as I'm sure you know,
no one can hear you scream.

- So, what do you gals do?
- I work at the Gap.

Really? How about that?
I've been to the Gap.

I've been there, as well. I like
your t-shirts with the little pocket.

I work there, too.

Not that anyone cares.

You know, this place is boring.

Why don't we go somewhere else
and have some fun?

- Okay.
- Sure, we like fun.

- We are fun people.
- Dark and fun.

Come on.
I know a place you'll really dig.

- Did you bring the black condoms?
- In my fanny pack.

Let's go.

Are you happy now?

Not particularly.

Oh, my God, she didn't!

What could she possibly
be talking about for so long?

Obviously, waitressing
at the Cheesecake Factory

is a complex socioeconomic activity

that requires a great deal
of analysis and planning.


You know, using positive
reinforcement techniques,

I could train that behavior
out of her in a week.

Let me use negative reinforcement,
I can get it done before we go to bed.

You're not squirting her
in the face with water.

Of course not.

We're talking
very mild electric shocks.

No tissue damage whatsoever.

- Forget it.
- Oh, come on.

You can't tell me

that you're not intrigued
about the possibility

of building a better girlfriend.

I'm not.

Penny's qualities,
both good and bad,

are what make her who she is.

You mean, like that high-pitched,
irritating laugh?

You wouldn't prefer
a throaty chuckle?

You're not changing
how Penny laughs.

That would be incongruous.

I was going to lower the whole voice
to a more pleasing register.

{\pos(192,220)}Sorry, guys.

{\pos(192,220)}That girl is freaky.

Come again?


- Freaky?
- Yeah, freaky.

Have a chocolate.

Are you going to deface your body

just for the possibility
you could have cheap sex

with a strange girl
you met in a bar?

What is your mother going to say?

She's not going to see it.

She takes my temperature orally now.

What are you going to get?

I can't really decide

between a screaming devil,
this mean little skull,

or Kermit the frog.

- Kermit the frog?
- You know.

Hi-ho. I'm on Howard's butt.

Get the mean little skull,

and I'll see
if I can make him smile.

I'd like the mean
little skull, please.

What are you going to get, Raj?

With my luck, hepatitis.

Okay, here we go.

That's just rubbing alcohol.

I know, but it was cold.

I'm putting on the stencil.

- What comes after the stencil?
- This.

No needle. No pain.
No tattoo.

What's the big deal?
You've done this before.

No, I haven't. Look.

I'm sorry. I'm a fraud.
He's a fraud.

- We're both frauds.
- I think I covered that.

But I was summing up.

We're not goth.
We're just...


Very, very smart guys.

So you were totally scamming us?

And I wouldn't blame you

if you walked out of here
and never wanted to see us again.

Unless, of course, our bold honesty
has suddenly made us attractive.

Huh? Huh? Anything?

I'm leaving.

I'm leaving, too.

Not that anyone cares.

When we tell this story,
let's end it differently.

What are you thinking?
Maybe a big musical number?

Well, I'm going to make
some warm milk and then turn in.

I trust if you two are planning
on engaging in amorous activities,

you'll keep the decibel level
to a minimum.

Of course.

Thank you.

These are so good.



I was just thinking
we should probably turn in, too.

My new bed got delivered.

If you put it together,
you can stay at my place.

That's a lot of work,
and it's kind of late.

But if we stay there,
we won't have to be quiet.

Let's go.


Sex works even better than chocolate
to modify behavior.

I wonder if anyone else
has stumbled onto that.

Okay, wait.
How about this?

We say there were four goth girls.

The two girls in the club
had two friends.

I like it, I like it.

Did they smell good despite
their goth-like nature?

What's the matter?

Engaging my olfactory sense
helps make it real for me.

Fine, they smelled good.

They did.
Like jasmine and honeysuckle.

Then they held hands and did
a sexy, demonic hokey pokey for us.

Let me say my story then you say yours,
then we'll pick.

Sorry. Go on.

We got tattoos,

and then the four girls
took us to their place.

But we don't have tattoos.
What if someone asks to see them?

We say
they're in a very intimate area.

We're bad boys, aren't we?

So, we go back to their place
and the six of us end up in a hot tub.

But we just got tattoos.

Wouldn't we be concerned
about bacterial infection?

True. Okay.
Forget the hot tub.

The point is, we each had
a m?nage with sexy goth girls.

What a great night.

Want to try a country bar
tomorrow night?

Maybe we'll get lucky
with some sexy cowgirls.

Could happen.

I wonder how they smell.