The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - The Jiminy Conjecture - full transcript

Leonard and Penny's first night together goes awkwardly. Sheldon and Howard wager on the species of a cricket.

You're wrong.

Wolverine was not born
with bone claws.

You know me to be a very smart man.

Don't you think
if I were wrong, I'd know it?

- First of all...
- Give it up, dude.

You're arguing with a crazy person.

I'm not crazy.
My mother had me tested.

- What are you doing here?
- What? It's new comic book night.

Since you and Penny
finally hooked up,

we thought you two would be having
bouncy naked yum-yum night.

There's more to life than sex, Raj.

Who had "Leonard flames out with Penny
in less than 24 hours"?

I did.

Nothing flamed out.

We don't have to have sex
every night, you know.

You don't have to,
but it's highly recommended.

Yeah, take advantage
of that window of opportunity

before it slams shut
on your little dinky.

It's not a matter of opportunity.

We're getting to know each other.
There's a learning curve.

What's there to learn?
You get naked, do nasty things,

then somebody
makes scrambled eggs and salami.

Easy peasy.

Perhaps what Leonard
is oblique referring to

is the occurrence of some sort
of sexual dysfunction.

Who had
"Leonard gets a floppy disk"?

A clever...
albeit obsolete, euphemism

for insufficient blood flow
the male sex organ.

Nothing like that happened,
all right?

The sex was... just fine.

Just fine?

Dude, the fourth Harry Potter movie
was "just fine. "

I'm not saying it was bad.

I'm just saying it...
wasn't great.

Do you mean for both of you?

Because we can totally see it
not being great for her.

Oh, yeah.

To tell you the truth,
I think we were both... I don't know...

Disappointed? Let down?

Ashamed? Horrified? Repulsed?

All I know is, it wasn't the way
I dreamed it would be.

Sex is never
the way I dream it's gonna be.

That's because in your dreams,
you're a horse from the waist down.

Excuse me, Wolverine: Origin.

Miniseries issue two, page 22.

Retractable bone claws.

If you people spent less time
thinking about sex

and more time concentrating
on comic books,

we'd have far fewer
of these embarrassing moments.

Episode 302: The Jiminy Conjecture

Sync: Jess, Golgi, Loky

Sheldon, dinner's here.

Tandoori Palace?

No, we went somewhere new.

You're good naturedly ribbing me,
aren't you?

No, look, Mumbai Palace.


Why would we change?

We had a perfectly good palace.
Tandoori Palace is our palace.

Trust me, this will be just fine.

You are the authority
on "just fine. "

What's that supposed to mean?

Yeah, exactly.
"Not bad, but not great".

- What are they talking about?
- I don't know.

I know.
As I'm sure you're aware...

If that's Morse code,
that's terrible.

As I was saying, you and Leonard had
a disappointing sexual encounter.

Earlier this evening,
Leonard characterized it as "just fine."

So you're seeing a continuation
of the mocking that followed.

Okay, yeah, I'm just gonna go
eat my dinner elsewhere.

Maybe an airplane
headed for a mountainside.

Penny, wait.

What is wrong with you?

I sense I may have crossed
some sort of line.

- Yeah, you...
- No, don't tell him.

Let's see if he can figure it out.

- I am so embarrassed!
- Please don't be mad.

- What did you tell them?
- Nothing bad.

Just that last night was fine.

Fine? You said it was fine?

Yeah, it's a perfectly good word.

You put it in front
of "wine" or "dining,"

and you've really got something.

Okay, well, let me ask you this:

how was last night for you?

It was... okay.


Yeah, it's a perfectly good word.

I mean,
you put it in front of "dokay"

and you really got something.

All right, let's not overreact.

For a lot of couples, it takes time
to get to know each other's rhythms.

Learn what the other person
wants and likes.

So, you've been through this before?


I think it's one of those things

where talking about it
isn't gonna make it better.

- Want a glass of wine?
- So much.

See, we should've
done this last night.

Have a little wine,
take the edge off.

Actually, ethyl alcohol inhibits
electrical conduction in the nerve cells

and stimulates reuptake receptors
of inhibitory neurotramitters

like gamma-aminobutyric acid.

Don't talk, just drink.

No, you're misunderstanding.

A Shiksa Goddess
isn't an actual goddess.

And we don't pray to them.

We prey on them.

Whatever, dude. The point is,
Leonard's got one and you don't.

Is this it?

It was inappropriate to discuss
Leonard and Penny's sex life

in front of Leonard and Penny.


Now I can eat.

What's that?

- Sounds like a cricket.
- Hang on.

Based on the number of chirps per minute
and the ambient temperature,

it is a snowy tree cricket.

Give me a freakin' break.

How could you possibly know that?

In 1890, Emile Dolbear

that there was a relationship

between the number of chirps per minute
of the snowy tree cricket

and the temperature.

A precise relationship that is not
present with ordinary field crickets.

How do you know what the exact
temperature of the room is?

Under the terms
of my roommate agreement,

I've had unilateral control
of the thermostat

ever since the sweaty night of '06.

You were right
about Wolverine and bone claws,

but you're wrong about the cricket.

Howard, don't embarrass yourself.

The science chirps for itself.

Humorous word play.

No, no, not this time.
I know insects, my friend.

I spent many childhood years
capturing them with nets,

putting them in glass jars,
sticking pins through them,

mounting them on corrugated
cardboard with Dymo labels underneath,

identifying the genus and species.

In Latin.

Dude, you are never getting
a shiksa goddess.

That is a snowy tree cricket.

Oecanthus fultoni.

I was done with Latin
by fifth grade.

Okay, tell you what.

I am willing to bet anything
that's an ordinary field cricket.

I can't take your money.

You chicken?

I've always found that
an inappropriate slur.

Chickens are not, by nature,
at all timid.

In fact, when I was young,
my neighbor's chicken got loose

and chased me up the big elm tree
in front of our house.

- Chickens can't climb trees.
- Thank God.

I believe a chicken
made you his bitch.

But the cricket thing, I don't buy.
Bet me.

Fair enough.

What stakes do you propose?

I will put up my
Fantastic Four number 48,

first appearance of Silver Surfer

against your Flash 123,
the classic Flash of two worlds issue.

All right, you have a wager.

Now how are you going to settle it?

There is no way to determine the species
of the cricket without examining it.

I wonder what the non-pathetic people
are doing tonight.

- More wine?
- Hit me.

I don't see anything.


One at a time.

What was that?

My stomach.

Indian food doesn't agree with me.

Ironic, isn't it?

Elevator shaft.

Help me open it.

Are you crazy? We can't go down
an empty elevator shaft.

Fine, if you don't want to proceed,
then you forfeit the bet,

and I'll take possession
of your Fantastic Four.

Let's open her up.

Are you bothered
that I can so easily manipulate you?

Don't push me.

I may be small,
but I took kung fu when I was 13,

and I remember a good deal of it.

Oh, really?

I grew up with an older brother
and a very contentious twin sister.

And I believe I could easily best you
in any physical confrontation...

be it noogies, swirlies or the classic
"Why are you hitting yourself?"

Big talk from a man
who was once treed by a chicken.

What are we drinking now?

Peppermint schnapps.

Why would you buy
peppermint schnapps?

Because I like peppermint,

and it's fun to say schnapps.

- Hey, Leonard?
- What?



You're right, that is fun.

Be careful.

If I were not being careful,

your telling me to be careful
would not make me careful.


Flashlight went out.
I need some batteries.



It's really dark down here.

Oh, sweetie.

You really can't hold
your liquor, can you?

I'm okay.

Just a little mouthwash,
and then I'm gonna rock your world.

Are you okay?

Toby, what did you do in a past life
to be so disgusting now?

His name isn't Toby.

Toby is an absurd name
for a cricket.

- What would you name him?
- An appropriate cricket name.

For example, Jiminy.

All right, here we go.

Kleingast's Field Guide
to North American Insects.

Right here. See it?

The common field cricket,
AKA Gryllus assimilis,

which is Latin
for "suck it, you lose. "

Hang on.


The snowy tree cricket.
AKA Oecanthus fultoni,

which is Latin
for I'll suck nothing.

Of course I'm joking because the Latin
for that is nihil exsorbibo.

That is not Toby,

this is Toby.

Raj, what do you think?

I really don't care anymore.

- God, I had the most horrible night.
- What happened?

Obviously another carnal fiasco
with the shiksi goddess.

Shiksa. Shik-sa.

Forgive me.
Yiddish was not spoken in east Texas.

And if it was,
it wasn't spoken for long.

Yeah, fine, whatever.
The point is, you're wrong again.

We haven't established
that I'm wrong once. All right.

Let's go down
to the Entomology Department

and let Professor Crawley tell us
what kind of cricket Toby is.

He's a snowy tree cricket,
and his name is Jiminy.

I bet I could throw a rock in this room
and come up with three better friends.

Holy crap.

It's like
The silence of the lambsdown here.

Don't do that!

You're such a girl.
They're just bugs.

Well, I don't like bugs, okay?
They freak me out.

Interesting. You're afraid of
insects and women.

Ladybugs must render you catatonic.

It was a joke.

I made it to lessen your discomfort.

You're welcome.

Don't knock. Just walk in.

Why be polite to the world's
leading expert on the dung beetle?

Excuse me,
are you professor Crawley?

Who wants to know?

I'm Dr. Cooper
from the physics department.

Couldn't wait, huh?

- I'm sorry?
- I haven't even packed yet,

and you're already measuring my lab

for one of your godless
laser machines.

No, you don't understand.
We just want to ask you a question.

Let me ask you one first.

What's a world renowned entomologist
with a doctorate

and 20 years of experience
to do with his life

when the university cuts off
the funding for his lab, huh?

Ask rhetorical questions
that make people uncomfortable?

What's your deal?

Are they planning
to outsource my job to Bangalore?

I'm from New Delhi.

- You should find another entomologist.
- No. We're here. Let's settle this.

Professor, can you identify
our cricket?

Of course I can.

I can identify every insect
and arachnid on the planet.

Not that that's going to keep me from
moving in with my daughter in Oxnard.

And we're not talking
Oxnard at the beach. No!

We're talking Oxnard
in the onion fields.

Could you look at Toby?


What a stupid name for a cricket.

Told ya.

- It's a field cricket.
- No, wait. Dr. Crawley, are you sure?

Young man, I've been studying insects
since I was eight years old.

You know what they used
to call me in school?

Creepy Crawley.

Cruel as that may be,
that is not in itself a credential.

Let me show you something.

See that?
That's a Crawley's dung beetle.

I discovered it after spending
six months slogging

through the Bornean rain forest,

while my wife was back home

shacking up
with a two-bit ornithologist

who lives on a sailboat

and likes to wear boot-cut jeans!

So, when I tell you

that that's a common field cricket,

you can take that to the damn bank!

Cause God knows I can't!

That tramp took me for everything!

Well, apparently, I was wrong.


Enjoy Oxnard.

I'm sure your daughter's
looking forward to having you.

What you got?
A new comic book?

Old comic book.

I just retrieved it
from my safe deposit box.

What do you have
a safe deposit box for?

Old comic books.

I lost this to Wolowitz
in an ill-considered cricket wager.

What, do they have Wii cricket now?

That can't be very popular.

I'd rather not talk about it.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,
I'm not feeling so hot either.

Why would that make me feel better?

I don't know, empathy?

Anyway, I'm just saying,

that you're feeling upset
about something with Howard,

and me, with Leonard.

Yes, the disappointing sex.

That's an inexact parallel.

You and Leonard can always return
to being friends,

whereas I can never return
to a state

in which Wolowitz has not bested me
like Mrs. Riley's chicken.

What's Mrs. Riley's chicken?

A chicken that was owned
by Mrs. Riley.

- Okay, forget the chicken.
- I wish I could.

You may be right
about me and Leonard.

Of course I'm right.

What are the odds
I'd be wrong twice in one week?

No, I mean, we can always go back
to being friends.

I just said that.

This conversation has started to circle.
Meeting adjourned.

What's going on?

You'd like to catch up
on the events of the day. All right.

There was a half-hour wait at the bank
to get into my safe deposit box,

I was forced to talk to Penny
about your sexual problems,

and, oh, yes,

in a moment filled
with biblical resonance,

pride wenteth before my fall,

causing my Flash 123
to goeth to Wolowitz.

Wait a minute.
You talked to Penny about our sex life?

Leonard, it astonishes me

how you continually fixate
on the trivial.

I lost a bet to Wolowitz.

Right. You're saying
you talked to Penny?

- Interesting.
- Hardly.

Excuse me.

- Have I crossed a line again?
- Little bit.

Who cares?

What did Sheldon say to you?

Not a lot.

Just that we always have the option
of going back to being friends.

- Is that what you want?
- I don't know, I mean...

You have to admit things seemed simpler
when we were just friends.

I guess.

It would take the pressure off.

It would, wouldn't it?

So, we'll just be friends.


Come here.