The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation - full transcript

After returning from the North Pole, a conflict among the guys sends Sheldon back to Texas and interferes with Leonard's reunion with Penny.

Previously on The Big Bang Theory:

I'm going to the Arctic Circle with
Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali.

- For three months?
- Yes.

What did you mean when you said
you were going to miss me?

It means I wish you weren't going,

Oh, thank God we're home.

I can't believe we spent three months
in that frozen hell,

It was like a snowy nightmare
from which there was no awakening.

I don't know what Arctic expedition
you were on...

...I thought it was a hoot and a half.

Oh, hi, Mom.

No. I told you I'd call you when I got home.
I'm not home yet.

All right. I'm home.

The Arctic expedition
was a remarkable success.

I'm all but certain there's a Nobel Prize
in my future.

Actually, I shouldn't say that.
I'm entirely certain.

No, Mother, I could not feel
your church group praying for my safety.

The fact that I'm home safe
doesn't prove it worked.

That logic is post hoc
ergo propter hoc.

No, I'm not sassing you
in Eskimo talk.

- I'm gonna let Penny know we're back.
- Mother, I have to go.

Yeah, love you. Bye.

Hello, old friend.

Daddy's home.

Leonard, you're back.

Yeah, I just stopped by to say...

- Yeah, so hi.
- Hi.

Damn it, I should've gone over
and told her we were back.

Yeah, it was first come, first serve.

I just want you both to know,
when I publish my findings...

- ...I won't forget your contributions.
- Great.

I can't mention you
in my Nobel acceptance speech.

When I write my memoirs... can expect a very effusive footnote
and perhaps a signed copy.

- We have to tell him.
- Tell me what?

Damn his Vulcan hearing.

You are planning a party for me,
aren't you?

Okay, Sheldon, sit down.

If there's going to be a theme,
I should let you know...

...I don't care for luau, toga
or under the sea.

Yeah. We'll keep that in mind.
Look, we need to talk to you...

...about something that happened
at the North Pole.

If this is about the night
the heat went out...

...there's nothing
to be embarrassed about.

- It's not about that.
- We agreed to never speak of it again.

So we slept together naked.

It was only to keep our core
body temperatures from plummeting.

- He's speaking about it.
- For me it was a bonding moment.

Sheldon, you remember
the first few weeks...

...we were looking for magnetic monopoles
and not finding anything...

...and you were acting
like an obnoxious giant dictator?

I thought we were gonna be gentle
with him.

That's why I added the "tator."

And when we finally got
our first positive data... were so happy.

Oh, yes. In the world of emoticons,
I was colon, capital D.

Well, ahem, in actuality,
what your equipment detected...

...wasn't so much evidence
of paradigm-shifting monopoles... it was static from the electric
can opener we were turning on and off.

He just went colon, capital O.

- You tampered with my experiment?
- We had to.

It was the only way to keep you
from being such a huge Dickensian.

You see that? I added the "ensian."

Did Leonard know about this?

Leonard's my best friend.
Surely Leonard didn't know.

- It was his idea.
- Of course it was.

The whole plan reeks of Leonard.

- I missed you so much.
- I missed you too.

- I couldn't think of anyone else.
- Me neither.

Except for one night
when the heat went out.

Long story. It's... Don't ask.

Leonard. Leonard. Leonard.

Do not make a sound.

Whispering, "Do not make a sound"... a sound.

Damn his Vulcan hearing.

Not a good time, Sheldon.

Penny. Penny. Penny.

Ugh, this is ridiculous.

- What?
- Hello, Penny.

I realize you're currently at the mercy
of your biological urges...

...but as you have a lifetime of poor
decisions ahead, may I interrupt this one?

Great to see you too. Come on in.

Wolowitz has informed me
of your grand deception.

Do you have anything to say?

Yes, I feel terrible about it.
I will never forgive myself.

I don't expect you to. I'd appreciate it
if you'd leave me with Penny...

...for a session of self-criticism
and repentance.

Can someone tell me
what's going on here?

What's going on is I was led to believe
I was making strides in science...

...when in fact
I was being fed false data... the hands of Wolowitz, Koothrappali
and your furry little boy toy.

Is that true?

- It was the only way to make him happy.
- Why'd you have to make him happy?

Because when he wasn't happy
we wanted to kill him.

That was even a plan.

We were going to throw
his Kindle outside.

And when he went to get it, lock
the door and let him freeze to death.

- That seems like a bit of an overreaction.
- No.

The overreaction was to tie your limbs
to four different sled-dog teams...

...and yell, "Mush!"

Look, we kept the original data.
You can still publish the actual results.

Yes,, but the actual results
are unsuccessful.

I sent an e-mail
to everyone at the university...

...explaining I confirmed
string theory...

...and forever changed
man's understanding of the universe.

Oh. See, yeah, you probably
shouldn't have done that.

So write another e-mail.
Set the record straight. It's no big deal.

You're right, Leonard.
That's not a big deal.

All you did was lie to me,
destroy my dream...

...and humiliate me
in front of the whole university.

That, FYI, was sarcasm.

I, in fact, believe it is a big deal.

- Oh. That poor thing.
- Yeah, I feel terrible.

Aren't you gonna go talk to him?

Well, I... He'll be fine.
The guy's a trouper. Come here.

No, no, you're right.
You shouldn't talk to him. I will.

Man, I cannot catch a break.

- Hey. Do you wanna talk?
- About what?

Being betrayed by my friends?

Spending three months at the North Pole
for nothing?

And I didn't even get to go
to Comic-Con.

Oh, hon...

Soft kitty, warm kitty

That's for when I'm sick.
Sad is not sick.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't know your sad song.

I don't have a sad song.
I'm not a child.

Well, you know, I do understand
what you're going through.

Really? Did you have
the Nobel Prize in waitressing...

...stolen from you?

Well, no.

But, uh, when I was in high school,
one of my friends heard...

...I was gonna be named
head cheerleader. I was so excited.

My mom even made me
a celebration pie.

Then they named stupid
Valerie Mosbacher head cheerleader.

Big old slutbag.

Are you saying
that you think a celebration pie... even remotely comparable
to a Nobel Prize?

Well, they're pretty tasty.

And on a different
but not unrelated topic...

...based on your current efforts
to buoy my spirits... you truly believe that you
were ever fit to be a cheer leader?

Look, I just don't think
that the guys and Leonard...

...really meant to hurt you.
They just told an unfortunate lie... deal with a difficult situation.
You know what it's like?

Remember the new Star Trek movie?
Kirk has to take over the ship... he tells Spock stuff
he knew wasn't true.

Like saying Spock didn't care
his mom died.

I missed Comic-Con
and the new Star Trek movie?

- I like the new look.
- Thanks.

I call it the Clooney.

I call it the Mario and Luigi,
but whatever.

Hey, how's Sheldon doing?

He came out of his room
wearing his Darth Vader helmet...

...and tried to choke me to death
with the Force, so I'd say a little better.

If I may abruptly change the subject,
did you and Penny finally...? You know.

- Howard.
- I don't care...

...but my genitals wanted me to ask.

Tell your genitals what I do with Penny
is none of their business.

He says they didn't do it.

Sheldon, over here.

What are you doing?

Well, I feel bad for the guy.

Sheldon, why are you sitting
by yourself?

Because I am without friends.

Like the proverbial cheese,
I stand alone.

Even while seated.

Come on. We said we were sorry.

It's going to take more
than an "I'm sorry"...

...and an apology pie from Penny
to make up for what you've done to me.

Hey, Cooper.
Read your retraction e-mail.

Way to destroy your reputation.

You see? People have been pointing
and laughing at me all morning.

It's not true.

People have been pointing and laughing
at you your whole life.

All right, I've had enough.
Attention, everyone.

I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

As many of you
in the Physics Department know... career trajectory
has taken a minor detour.

Off a cliff.

- My credibility may have been damaged.
- Completely wrecked.

But I would like to remind you that in
science there's no such thing as failure.

There once was a man...

...who referred to his prediction
of a cosmological constant... the single biggest blunder
of his career.

That man's name was, surprise, surprise,
Albert Einstein.

Yeah, but research into dark energy

...Einstein's cosmological constant
was actually right all along.

So you're still, surprise, surprise,
a loser.

Oh, you think you're so clever.

Well, let me just tell you.
While I do not currently have a retort...

...check your e-mail periodically
for a doozy.

So much for our friendship with Sheldon.

Well, we'll always have the night
the heat went out.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Since we got interrupted last night,
I didn't have a chance to give you this.

Aw, Leonard. You shouldn't have.

Oh, boy. Ha, ha.

What is it?

It's a snowflake from the North Pole.

- Are you serious?
- Uh-huh.

It'll last forever. I preserved it in a
1-percent solution of polyvinyl acetal resin.

God, that's the most romantic thing
anyone's ever said to me...

...that I didn't understand.

It's actually a pretty simple process.

You see, cyanoacrylates are monomers,
which polymerize...

Red alert. Leonard, Sheldon ran away.

Man, I cannot catch a break.

So how do you know he ran away?

I mean, he's not answering his phone,
he handed in his resignation...

...and he sent me a text that said,
"I'm running away."

Okay. Thanks for letting me know.

Well... Leonard.
Aren't you gonna do something?

Well, of course
I'm gonna do something.

Uh, Howard, check the comic-book store.

Raj, go to the Thai restaurant.
I'll stay with Penny in her apartment.

Oh, damn it.

It's Sheldon's mother.

A break cannot be caught.

Hi, Mrs. Cooper.

He is?

Sheldon went home to Texas.

Yeah... No, I know he resigned.

Yes, I guess it kind of is our fault.

No, no. You're right.
Someone needs to come talk to him.

Don't worry, I'll take care of it. Yeah.
All right.

New plan.

Howard, you and Raj go to Texas,
I'll stay with Penny in her apartment.

- You're not gonna go with them?
- Well, you know...

...I gave you the snowflake,
and we were kissing, and...

Come on. I don't wanna go to Texas.

Oh, right. And I do? My people already
crossed the desert once. We're done.

Trust me, you'll be fine. See you.

Well, wait a second, Leonard.
Come on. How can you not go?

- He's your best friend.
- But I already saw him naked.

- Just come here.
- No.

I promise I will be here
when you get back.

Just go help Sheldon.

- Really?
- Yeah.

We waited a few months.
We can wait a few more days.

Maybe you can.


Boy, you cannot catch a break,
can you?

- Here you go, Shelly.
- Thanks, Mom.


Hold your horses, young man.
Here in Texas, we pray before we eat.

Oh, Mom.

This is not California,
land of the heathen.

Give me.

By his hand we are all...


- Give us, Lord, our daily...
- Bread.

- Please know that we are truly...
- Grateful.

- For every cup and every...
- Plateful.


Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?

My objection was based
on considerations other than difficulty.

Whatever. Jesus still loves you.

Thank you for carving a smiley face
in my sandwich.

I know how to take care of my baby.

His eyes came out a little thin,
but you can just pretend he's Chinese.

So do you want to talk
about what happened...

...with you and your little friends?

- They're not my friends.
- All right.

If you recall, when you were little
we sat right here at this very spot...

...and talked about the problems you had
getting along with the neighbor kids.

That was different. They were
threatened by my intelligence...

...and too stupid to know
that's why they hated me.

Oh, baby, they knew very well
why they hated you.

I can't believe
you bought a red cowboy hat.

Hello? I'm wearing a red turtleneck.

Plus it was the only boys' large
they had.

I'm sorry. This does not look like Texas.
Where's the tumbleweeds?

- Where's the saloons?
- Saloons?

Like in the movies I saw growing up.

You know, uh, 4 for Texas,
Yellow Rose of Texas.

This neighborhood
is more Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

I was really hoping to see a cattle drive.

What can I tell you?

They probably have steaks on sale
at that big-ass Costco over there.

Will you please take that stupid hat off?

No, I wanna blend in.

To what? Toy Story?

Hi, boys.

- Howdy, ma'am.
- Howdy to you too. You got here quick.

- We took the redeye.
- Come on in.

Thank you kindly.

- Can I get you something to drink?
- No, thank you.

If y'all don't mind,
I got a hankering for a Lone Star Beer.

There's no alcohol in this household,
stop talking like that and lose the hat.

Sorry. I'll take a diet Yoo-hoo
if you have it.

You'll take a cola.

What about you? Raj, is it?

Oh, you still having trouble talking
to the ladies? Ha-ha-ha.

Because, you know, at our church...

...we have a woman
who's an amazing healer.

Mostly she does crutch
and wheelchair people...

...but I bet she'd be willing
to take a shot... whatever Third-World demon
is running around inside of you.

If you don't mind, there's a 3:05
nonstop back to Los Angeles...

...and you have no idea
how much I wanna be on it.

- A girl?
- Uh, yes, ma'am.

Oh, good. I've been praying for you.

Oh, Sheldon.

What are they doing here?

- We came to apologize.
- Again.

And bring you home.
Pack up your stuff and we'll head back.

No. This is my home now.

Thanks to you, my career is over.
I will spend the rest of my life here...

...trying to teach evolution
to creationists.

You watch your mouth, Shelly.

Everyone's entitled to their opinion.

Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact.

And that is your opinion.

I forgive you, let's go home.

Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.

How about that?
Finally caught a break.


You know how they say
when friends have sex it can get weird?


- Why does it have to get weird?
- Pbbt. I don't know.

I mean, we were friends
and now we're more than friends.

And we're whatever this is.
But why label it, right? I mean...

It is what it is and...

- Leonard?
- Yeah?

- It's weird.
- Totally.