The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 2, Episode 23 - The Monopolar Expedition - full transcript

Penny gets upset when she finds out Leonard and the guys plan to work at the North Pole for the summer.

Oh, boy.


I can't comment without violating our
agreement that I not criticize your work.

- Then what was "Oh, boy"?
- Great restraint on my part.

There's nothing wrong
with the science here.

Perhaps you mean a different thing
than I do when you say "science."

Okay, how's that?

You actually had it right
in the first place.

Once again, you've fallen
for one of my classic pranks.


Well, now, here's a peculiar e-mail.

The president of the university wants me
to meet him at his office at 8 a.m.

- Why?
- Doesn't say. Must be an emergency.

Everyone at the university knows
I eat breakfast at 8...

...and move my bowels at 8:20.

Yes, how did we live before Twitter?

I guess you'll find out what it is
in the morning.

That's 14 hours away.

For the next 840 minutes, I'm effectively
one of Heisenberg's particles.

I know where I am or how fast I'm going,
but I can't know both.

Yet how am I supposed to carry on...

...with this huge annoying thing
hovering over my head?

Yeah, I know the feeling.

Leonard. Leonard.


Sheldon, it's two o'clock
in the morning.

Why does everybody keep telling me
what time it is?

- Everybody?
- You, the president of the university...

...his wife,
their sullen teenage daughter.

That entire family is fascinated by what
time it is and whether people know it.

You went to President Seibert's house
in the middle of the night?

He didn't respond to my e-mail,
his phone number is unlisted.

Tell me what my other option was.

You could have waited until morning.

I know, look who I'm talking to.

Remember the grant proposal I submitted
to the National Science Foundation... detect slow-moving monopoles
at the magnetic north pole?

Hardly a day goes by
when I don't think about it.

Oh, how nice.

Well, a space opened up
at the last minute...

...on the NSF expedition
to the Arctic Circle.

Wait a minute.

He offered to send you
to the North Pole?

In fact, he was quite enthusiastic.

He said, "Frankly,
if I could send you tonight, I would."

Okay. Well, do you wanna go?

Of course not.
I'm a theoretical physicist.

A career I chose in no small part
because it's indoors.

But if I'm able to detect slow-moving
magnetic monopoles there...

...I will be the scientist
who confirmed string theory.

And people will write books about me.

Third graders will create macaroni-art
dioramas depicting scenes from my life.

Sure. Maybe a tableau of me
trying to pummel you to death.



I am on the horns of a dilemma.

Can you imagine me, Sheldon Cooper,
at the North Pole?

Easy peasy. I'm doing it right now.

I'm not good with cold, Leonard.

How often have we had to leave
a movie theater...

...because I got a headache
from drinking the Icee too fast?

- I can't go.
- Then don't go.

How can you say that? The scientific
opportunity of a lifetime presents itself... best friend says, "Don't go."

- All right, then go.
- Listen to you.

How can I possibly go?

What are the words I can say now... end this conversation
and let me go back to sleep?

Odd. President Seibert posed
the exact same question.

How was it resolved?

It wasn't. His wife set their dogs on me
and rendered the question moot.

Just imagine. If he says yes...

...we'll have an entire summer
without Sheldon.

We could play outside.

We could sit
on the left side of the couch.

I could use the bathroom at 8:20.

Our dreams are very small,
aren't they?

Good news, gentlemen.
I have tentatively accepted...


...the invitation
to join the Arctic expedition.

- It's not gonna be the same without you.
- We're gonna miss you.

Thank you,
but your sentiments may be premature.

Oh, I don't like where this is going.

I would like to propose...

...that the three of you
accompany me.

- To the North Pole?
- Yes.

Is this just so we won't touch your stuff
while you're away?

I'll admit that was a concern.

But the fact is, I'll need a support team
and the three of you are my first choice.

- Really?
- Others might be more qualified...

...but the thought of interviewing them
gave me a stomachache.

I know I'm proposing
an enormous undertaking... why don't you take a few moments
to discuss it?

We're not really gonna go
to the North Pole with him, are we?

I'm still within earshot.

You may wanna wait
for my door to close.

We're not really gonna go
to the North Pole with him, are we?

Hang on, let's talk about it. This is a
National Science Foundation expedition.

I don't know
how we can turn it down.

Easy. Instead of saying, "No, we don't
wanna go on an NSF expedition," say,

"No, we don't wanna spend three months
stuck in a cabin in the Arctic Circle..."

"...with an anal nutbag."

But if we were part of the team
that confirmed string theory...

...we could drink for free in any bar,
in any college town...

...with a university
that has a strong science program.

Howard, this is big science.
You could be the engineer...

...who builds the equipment
that puts us on the cover of magazines.

I could also be the engineer who builds
the crossbow that kills Sheldon.

You still might get on a magazine.

- You guys are seriously considering this?
- Yes.

- You think you can put up with Sheldon?
- Well, I'm a Hindu.

My religion teaches that if we suffer
in this life, we are rewarded in the next.

Three months at the North Pole
with Sheldon...

...and I'm reborn
as a well-hung billionaire with wings.

Well, gentlemen,
have you reached a decision?

- I'm in.
- Me too.

Damn it. Peer pressure. Fine.

Excellent. And just an FYI,
as I am the expedition's team leader...

...protocol dictates that be phrased,
"Fine, sir."

But don't worry,
there will be a briefing.




- Penny?
- Sheldon?

- Penny.
- Sheldon.

- Penny.
- Sheldon.

- Penny.
- Sheldon.


- What do you want?
- I need access... the Cheesecake Factory's
walk-in freezer.

Honey, I already told you...

...the hamburger meat is fresh
and stored at a safe temperature.

No, this is to train for a three-month
expedition to the magnetic north pole.


I don't know how that sentence
could possibly confuse you...

...but to elaborate,
I am going to the Arctic Circle...

...with Leonard, Wolowitz,
and Koothrappali.

- You're all going?
- Yes.

- For three months?
- Yes.

Excuse me.

Wait, is that a yes or a no
on the freezer?

That woman has the attention span
of a gnat.

Hey, Leonard. Sheldon says
you're going to the North Pole.

Yeah. Pretty cool, huh?

Yeah, I'm just a little surprised
you didn't tell me.

Well, it all happened kind of fast.

And we had to get physicals
and buy thermal underwear...

...and study up on, you know,
snow and stuff.

- Sorry, I was gonna tell you.
- No, you don't have to apologize.

There's no reason you have to tell me.
I was just surprised.

You were busy, you were surprised,
all very fascinating.

Now, where do we stand
on the freezer?

Is he serious?

Actually, it would help.

All right, I'll see what I can do.

So, wow, three months
at the North Pole.

- Wow, that is awesome.
- Yeah.

Sorry but at what point do you put this
"see what you can do" plan into action?

Just a warning, Sheldon.
The freezer locks from the outside.

- Did she seem upset to you?
- No. Did she seem upset to you?

- No.
- Oh, good, I got it right.

Are you upset?

A little bit.

Two for two. I'm on fire.

She's not my girlfriend but wouldn't
you think she'd feel a little bad...

...that I'm gonna be gone
for the whole summer?

That feels like a bonus question.

I'm gonna stop here while I'm ahead
but I've had a great time.

All right, and the purpose of this drill
is to acclimate us to the use of tools... extreme temperatures
such as we will face in the Arctic Circle.

Then where are your tools?

Right here.

All right, team,
open up your practice kits.

As the university did not permit me
to bring the equipment we'll be using... the Cheesecake Factory,
because apparently, I'm ridiculous...

...I've provided substitutes
which will exercise your fine motor skills.

Leonard, you will be doing a series
of complex mathematical problems...

...on a vintage Casio model 1175
calculator watch I received...

...when I won the Earth Science medal
in third grade.

Treat it with respect.

Raj, you will be painting sideburns
and a Vandyke...

...on a 6-inch figurine
of Legolas the Elf.

Now, remember, a Vandyke
is a goatee without a mustache.

Wolowitz, you will be completing a series
of delicate surgical procedures...

...on the classic children's game,

To begin with,
you will remove funny bone for $200.

For this, I went to MIT.

And begin.

I think I swallowed some paint.

I can't press any of the buttons
with my gloves.

Oh, son of a bitch.

Adversity is to be expected. Continue.

Oh, boy, am I gonna get sued.

- Okay, I can't do this.
- Me either.

Gentlemen, use your imagination.

Did Han Solo let Luke Skywalker freeze
to death on the ice planet of Hoth?

No, he cut open a tauntaun and used
its internal body heat to warm him up.

You heard the man.
Hold him down and I'll cut him open.

Hang on. I know I don't possess the tools
of leadership, but I don't understand...

...why we can't assemble the equipment
inside the hut and then take it outside.

I hadn't thought of that.

I guess we're done here.

Here, drink slash eat this.

- What is it? - It's hot chocolate
with a stick of butter.

Okay, why?

In the frigid temperatures
in the Arctic...

...we need to consume 5000 calories
a day to maintain our body weight.

You know I can't eat butter.
I'm lactose intolerant.

Way ahead of you. That's an
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! stick.

But, Mommy, all the other guys
are going to the North Pole.

I don't care
what the other guys are doing.

If the other guys jumped
in the Bay of Bengal...

...and tried to swim to Sri Lanka,
would you?

If you were standing behind me nagging,
I might.

Don't talk back to your mother.
This trip is much too dangerous.

No, it's not. Howard, tell them.

Dr. and Mrs. Koothrappali, namaste.

I understand you're concerned.

If it'll make you feel better,
my mother is fine with me going.

And this is a woman who kept
a safety rail on my bed until I was 17.

So she has no problem
with her son being eaten by a walrus?

That's very unlikely, Mrs. Koothrappali.

If Raj dies, it'll be from frostbite,
gangrene, acute sunburn...

...or being ripped to shreds
by a 1500-pound polar bear.

Ma, I'm putting you on speakerphone
with Raj's parents.

Can you tell them that you're okay
with me going to the Arctic?

Arctic? I thought you said Arkansas.

I didn't say that.
You never listen to me.

He doesn't tell me anything.

He lives a secret life
because he's ashamed.

Hey, Leonard,
can I talk to you for a sec?

Sure, but let's go out here where
there's a little less yelling and guilt.

What's up?

Well, I got you
a little going-away present.

- Oh, a blanket.
- Oh, no, no. Not just a blanket.

See, it has sleeves.


So you can, you know, be all snoodled
up while you do your science stuff.

Oh, wow. Cool.

I'm gonna miss you.

- See you later.
- Bye.

I told you no.
Why don't you believe me?

Because it doesn't make sense to me.

How can it be
that in the entire country of India...

...there isn't one Outback Steakhouse?


- Sheldon?
- I want a cookie, Meemaw.

- Sheldon, it's me.
- But Meemaw just made cookies.

Listen, I don't know if I can go
on the expedition.

- What?
- I don't think I can go to the North Pole.

Okay. Leonard, I know you're concerned
about disappointing me...

...I want you to take comfort
from the knowledge...

...that my expectations of you
are very low.

Yeah, that's very comforting.

Comforting is a part of leadership.

It's not a part I care for
but such is my burden.

Terrific. It's just that
I don't think Penny wants me to go.

Assuming that's a valid reason not to go,
which it isn't... do you know this?
Did she say it?

Not exactly.

But she said she was gonna miss me
and she gave me this.

- What is it?
- It's a blanket with sleeves.

Oh, that's clever.

Let me see if I understand this.

Her missing you,
is an emotional state you find desirable.

- Yes, obviously.
- All right.

Well, given that missing you
is predicated on you leaving...

...logic dictates you must leave.

Yes, okay, but I'm gonna be gone
for three months.

What if she doesn't miss me that long
and she meets someone else?

She does have a short attention span.

- So I can't go.
- Leonard, you may be right.

It appears that Penny secretly
wants you in her life... a very intimate
and carnal fashion.

- You really think so?
- Of course not.

Even in my sleep-deprived state...

...I've managed to pull off
another one of my classic pranks.


- Oh, Leonard, what time is it?
- Seven a.m. I'm sorry it's early.

But we're leaving soon
and I needed to talk to you.


What did you mean when you said
you were going to miss me?

I don't know.
You'll be gone and I'll notice.

Okay. Well, what about this?
What does this mean?

Wine, a credit card, and late-night
television are a bad combination?

All right, fine.

What about that really long hug?
What did that mean?

That wasn't a long hug.

It was at least five Mississippis.

A standard hug
is two Mississippis, tops.

Leonard, I don't know what to tell you.
It was just a hug.

- Glad we cleared that up.
- Yeah.

- I guess I'll see you.
- Okay.

- Have a safe trip.
- Thank you.

- Bye.
- Okay, bye.

It means I wish you weren't going.

- Damn it.
- What?

We're out of ice.

All right, we begin initial assembly and
deployment of the testing equipment...

...starting tomorrow at 0700 hours,
but until then, you are all off duty.

I suggest you keep the shenanigans
to a minimum... medical help is 18 hours away
by dogsled.

- What are you working on?
- Crossbow.

Hey, guys, can I just say something?

How about we take a moment
to think about where we are?

I mean, this is literally
the top of the world.

Only a handful of people
in all of human history...

...will ever see
what we are going to see.

- He's right.
- Yeah, wow.

It is remarkable.

So who's up for a movie?

Good idea. What do you think?

Ice Station Zebra
or John Carpenter's The Thing?

- I say double feature.
- Dinner's ready.

- What are we having?
- Reconstituted Thai food.

Did you bring the dehydrated
low-sodium soy sauce?

- Check.
- Freeze-dried spicy mustard?

- Check.
- And flash-frozen brown rice, not white?

- Uh, oh. Sorry.
- Not to worry.

I hid it.


You're in my spot.

There's no time for a crossbow,
find me an icicle.

Three months. This is gonna be great.