The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - The Pirate Solution - full transcript

When Raj has to find a new job or be sent back to India, Sheldon's solution leaves Leonard and Penny dealing with Howard as the third wheel.

This movie baffles me
every time we watch it.

What do you mean?

The instructions are very clear:

"don't feed the gremlins
after midnight. "

"don't get the gremlins wet. "

How hard is that?

(door opening)

Hi, guys.

Hi, honey.


Ooh, we're "honey" now, are we?

Yes. Since their relationship
became carnal,

Penny has upgraded his
designated term of endearment,

Thus distinguishing him
from those she calls "sweetie,"

Usually in an attempt to soften
a thinly-veiled insult.

You're boring people,

Although, sometimes,
she omits the veil entirely.

So, what are
you guys doing?

Columbus day.

We're watching goonies, gremlins
and young sherlock holmes.

They're all written
by Chris Columbus.


What do you watch
on thanksgiving?

The parade.

Oh, you know,
that reminds me...

I usually go back to
Nebraska for thanksgiving,

But this year they're
calling it off

On account of my
brother's trial.

What's he on trial for?

Oh, just a big

You know, you'd actually
like my brother.

He's kind of
a chemist.

Anyway, I was thinking
I'd have thanksgiving here,

And you are all invited.

Oh. I'll be there.

Will you be serving
cranberry jelly

Or cranberry sauce?

I guess I could
serve both.

You guess? I don't seem to
have much of a handle on this.

Yeah, I really wish I could,
Penny, but every year,

My mother has all the
relatives over and cooks up

Her famous tur-briska-fil.


Turkey stuffed with a brisket
stuffed with gefilte fish.

It's not as good as it sounds.

Raj, what about you?

Oh, he usually comes
to my house. Right, pal?

All right, this year,
you don't have to

Eat the


I don't even chew it.

I swallow it like pills.

So, what's going on
with Raj?

Well, the good news is,

He has no problem
with my mother's tur-bruska-fil.

Hard to believe,
but go on.

The bad news is,
he says he's getting deported.

What do you mean,

He's getting deported?

I believe it means
that the U.S. Government

Is going to expel him
from the country.

He could then either return
to his native India,

Emigrate to another country
that's willing to accept him

Or wander the high seas
as a stateless pirate.

Personally, I'd choose pirate.

Penny, would you mind
stepping outside

So we can speak to him?


But the man really needs to work
on his girl issues.

Another reason to consider a
life of piracy.

Even today, I understand
that's an all-male profession.

Okay, she's gone.

I lost my cool.

So, what's going on?

Okay, here's the deal:

Six months ago, my
research testing

The predicted composition
of trans-neptunian objects

Ran into a dead end.

So, my visa's only good as long as

I'm employed at the university.
And when they find out at I've got squat,

They're going to cut me off.

By the way, when I say squat,
I mean diddly-squat.

I wish I had squat.

So, wait, what have you been
doing for the past six months?

You know, checking e-mail,

Updating my facebook status,

Messing up wikipedia entries.

Hey, did you know netflix

Lets you stream movies
on your computer now?

And you've continued
to take the University's money

Under false pretenses?

Highly unethical
for an astrophysicist.

Although practically mandatory
for a pirate.

I don't want to go back
to India.

It's hot and loud,
and there's so many people.

You have no idea...
they're everywhere.

Okay, guys, think.

How do we keep Raj
in the country?

Why doesn't he just get another job?

What are you
asking me for?

I don't know if you
can talk now or not.

Oh, beef...

I'm going to miss
you so much.

Do you know,
at the mumbai mcdonald's,

You can't get a big mac?

All you can get
is a chicken maharaja mac.

And the special sauce...

Curry... which, in india,
believe you me,

Is really not that special.

Don't worry,
you'll find another job.

Yeah let me start
practicing for it.

"do you want fries with
that maharaja mac?"

Hi, Leonard.

Hello, Raj.

Hello, Sheldon.

Forgive me, as you know, I'm no
adept at reading facial cues,

But I'm going
to take a stab here:

You're either sad or nauseated.

I'm sad.

I was going to say sad.

I don't know why I hedged.

What are you eating?

Elbow macaroni with ground
hamburger and tomato sauce.

Oh, beefaroni.

I think I'll miss you
most of all.

I've always been
a little confused about this.

Why don't hindus eat beef?

We believe cows are gods.

Not technically.

In hinduism, cattle are
thought to be like god.

Do not tell me about
my own culture, Sheldon!

In the mood I'm in, I'll take
you out... I swear to cow!

I'm sorry.

Me, too.

I'm just...
I'm a little on edge.


Your entire life seems
to be crumbling around you,

And your future
appears bleak at best.

Thank you.

And you're wrong
about hinduism and cows.

Hey, Raj, guess what.

Professor Laughlin
is looking for someone to join

The stellar evolution
research team.

You-you're kidding! That's fantastic! I know! What
are you waiting for? Call him and set up an interview.

I'm on it.

That's happy, right?

Nailed it.

Dr. Koothrappali, come on in.

I was surprised to hear
you were interested

In joining our little team.

Giving up on those
trans-neptunian objects, are we?

No, no; it's a very
promising area.

In a perfect world I'd spend several
more years on it.

But I just couldn't pass up
the opportunity

To work with you
on your tremendously exciting

And not yet conclusively
disproved hypothesis.


Uh, please sit down.

Can I offer you
a sherry?

It's a little
early, isn't it?

Not on proxima centauri.


That's very good.

Jolly amusing,
but if you don't mind,

I'll hold off
until sunset on titan.

well done.

I have a feeling you're going

To fit in just fine,
Dr. Koothrappali.

Thank you, sir.

(knock at door)

I'm sorry.

Am I late?

No, no, no.
Right on time.

Dr. Koothrappali,
may I present

Dr. Millstone from MIT.

She'll be heading up
our data analysis team.

It's nice to meet you,
Dr. Koothrappali.

I read your paper on kuiper belt
object size distribution.

I really enjoyed it.

How did you correct
for the selection bias?

Well, I ran a simulation
that allowed me

To correct for the
observational efficiency.

That's just fascinating.

Thank you.

Would you like to hear
more about it in my hot tub?

So, when do I start?

What do you mean you
didn't get the job?

How could you
not get it?

You know... He's british;
I'm indian.

Ever since Gandhi,
they haven't liked us very much.

Wait, are you saying that
he discriminated against you?

Because we should
file a complaint.

That's okay.

A complaint has been filed.

So, that's it.

That was my last hope.

I'm going
to be deported,

Sent home in disgrace,

Exposed to the sardonic barb
of my cousin sanjay.

Or, as you may know him,
dave from at&t customer service.

I'm really going
to miss you.

Will you come visit me
in India?

Gee, that's, like,
a 17-hour flight.

How about I meet
you halfway?

Halfway is 600 miles
off the coast of japan.

Tell you what,
we'll skype.


Hey, Raj,

Did you get the job
with professor laughlin?

I assumed as much.

But never fear.

Like the subordinate
male protagonist

In countless action movies

Who disappears half way
through the second reel,

I have returned to save the day.


Usually, he's met by cheers.


I was thinking about exploring

The string theory implications

Of gamma rays from
dark matter annihilations,

And it occurred to me
that I could benefit...

Excuse me, Sheldon.

How many reels before
the subordine male protagonist

Gets to his point?

I'm sorry... if you didn't
cheer at my entrance,

It's too late
to buy into the premise.

Anyway, I got
some extra money

From the head of
the department,

And Raj can come
work for me.

You want me
to work with you?

For me.

You're going to
have to listen

More carefully when
you're on the job.

Ay, uh, please don't take this
the wrong way,

But I'd rather swim buck-naked
across the ganges

With a paper cut on my nipple

And die a slow,
agonizing death

From a viral infection
than work with you.

For me.

(knock at door)

Sheldon, are you busy?

Of course I'm busy.

Shall I wait?
Yes, please.

How may I help you?

I've reconsider your offer
to let me work with you.

For me

Yes, for you.

I do, however, have
a few conditions.

First, at all times,

I am to be treated
as a colleague and an equal.

Second, my contributions
shall be noted

In all published material.

And third, you are never allowed
to lecture me

On hinduism
or my indian culture.

I'm impressed, Raj.

Those are very cogent
and reasonable conditions.

Thank you.
I reject them all.

Then you leave me no choice.

I accept the job.

I'm sorry, I believe
you've misunderstood.

I'm not giving you the job.

I'm simply affording you
the opportunity to apply for it.

Have a seat; we'll get started
with the interview.

Wha... You're kidding!


all right.

(annoyed sigh)

So... (sighs)

That's what you wear
to an interview?

Come on, dude,
we've been friends for years.

Oh, pulling strings, are we?

Sheldon, for god's sakes,
don't make me beg.


You've fallen victim

To another one
of my classic practical jokes.

I'm your boss now.
You may want to laugh at that.

Ah, nice having the
place to ourselves, isn't it?


Now that Raj is
working for Sheldon,

I don't have to chauffeur
him around anymore.

Plus, yeah, with them
working late so much,

We get some privacy.


Hey, want to get a little crazy?

What are you thinking?

Let's slide over to
Sheldon's spot a make out.

You are a dirty girl.

(knocking on door)

Oh, god, how did he know?


Hi, Howard.
(wry laugh)

Am I interrupting?

Little bit, yeah.

Guess I should have called.

Yeah, maybe.


(clicking tongue)

Tonight's the night
I usually go line dancing

With Raj at the Palomino.


But he's working with Sheldon.

Yes, we know.

Want me to leave?

You know, whatever.

Okay, I guess I can hang
for a little while.

So what are we watching?

Sex and the city.

Hey, I happen
to love this movie.

Fine, let's watch it.

Maybe all our periods
will synchronize.

All right, we're going to
be designing an experiment

To look
for the annihilation spectrum

Resulting from dark matter
collisions in space.

Ooh, dark matter.

We better bring
a flashlight.


I was making a joke.

I'm the boss.

I make the jokes.

go ahead and make your joke.

This is not the
time for joking.

We're doing
serious research,

Which requires complete
and utter focus.

All right,
let's buckle down and work.

("Eye of the tiger"
by Survivor playing)


I need an aspirin.

Top desk drawer.

Thank you.


("Eye of the tiger" resumes)

That was fun.

Thank you.

Leonard, honey, you don't
have to say thank you

Every time we have sex.

Oh. Okay.

Tomorrow you're going to
get a card in the mail.

Just throw it away.


(in irish brogue):
Top o' the mornin' to ya!

What are you doing here?

Well, usually, on Sundays,
I go with Raj

To scam on hippie chicks
at the farmers market,

But he's still working
with Sheldon,

So I thought I'd come over here

And make you guys
scrambled eggs and salami.

It's the perfect meal
for apr?s I'amour.

Oh, kill me.

By the way, I couldn't help
overhearing your big finish.

Bravo, Leonard.

See, if you had killed me
when I said "kill me,"

I wouldn't have had to
hear that. (stammers)

What do you guys think?

Want to take
in a matinee,

Maybe go

Catch a step class?

Do something.


Um, Howard, we
need to talk.

Sure. 'sup, Holmes?

Uh... Please understand

That it's not that we
don't want you around,

But Penny and I
occasionally need some...

Alone time.


I- I get it, I'm the third wheel.


Sorry, I should have seen that.

I'll get out
of your way.

Uh, you're gonna want

To eat those eggs
while they're still hot.

Thank you.

There's lox and cream cheese
in the fridge.

The bagels are in the oven,
I was... warming them up.


I'm just going to hang out
with my mom

That's always fun


Are we terrible people?

I don't know.

What do you
want me to do?


G- get him;
bring him back.

Are you sure?


Howard come back.

Oh, you guys had me scared
for a minute.

No, no, no, no!

That rate is much too low

From what we'd expect
from this collision.

Do you understand

We're talking
about dark matter

Colliding in outer space?

Of course I understand.

And who are you to tell me
about outer space?

I'm the astrophysicist.

"astro" means "space. "

"astor" means "star. "

Okay, well, let
me just tell you,

If we were having
this argument

In my native language,
I'd be kicking your butt.

English is
your native language.

Okay, you got me there, but
you're wrong about this!

There is a fine line
between wrong and visionary.

Unfortunately you have to be
a visionary to see it.

My god, you think
that every thought

That comes out of your
head is pure gold.

Well, let me tell
you something.

Some of those thoughts
are pure caca.


It means "doo-doo."

All right!

First of all,
Dr. Koothrappali,

When I first proposed
that you work with me..

Aha! So I am
working with you.

In this context,
"with me" means "for me."

Ah, well, in
this context...


If I'm wrong,
prove it.


Here's where we derive the mass
of the dark matter particle.

You've misstated the
atomic weight of the target.

Let me finish.
You're defacing work.

I'm not defacing it,
I'm fixing it.

Give me the eraser.

I said give it to me.

Come and get it.


Oh, Lord.

Dr. Koothrappali,

As your superior, I forbid you
from writing on my board!

You are not my superior.

I am in every way.

Oh, yeah?

Can you do this?

Nice working with you.

I'm sorry... for you.


Raj... Raj...

I'm busy.

Doing what?

All right,
you've made your point.

What do you want, Sheldon?

I looked over the board

And it turns out
you were right.

So you were wrong.
I didn't say that.

That's the only
logical inference.

I didn't say it.

Anyway, I would like you to come
back and work for me.

For you or with you?

In this context "for me"
could mean "with me. "

All right, but I have
some conditions.

I reject them all.
I'll take the job.

See you Monday.

Wait, you have
to drive me home.

How did you get here?
I walked.

So walk home.
I can't.

There's a big dog outside.

On the way home,
we can start thinking

About methods
of optimizing the detector

For 500 gev particles.

All right.

("Eye of the tiger" playing, awesome track)