The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 17 - The Precious Fragmentation - full transcript

The guys' friendship is threatened when they find a ring from the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy.

Why do I always have
to carry the heavy stuff?

Well, it's very simple.

In our ragtag band of scientists
with nothing to lose...

...I'm the smart one.
Wolowitz is the funny one.

Koothrappali is the lovable foreigner...

...who struggles to understand our ways
and fails.

That leaves you, by default,
as the muscle.

One more floor
and I'd be the pulled muscle.

Oh, it's about time. I'm starving.

Uh, well,
we didn't actually get Chinese food.

- Why not?
- Don't panic. This is better.

Oh, no. You didn't trade the food
for magic beans, did you?

Of course not. And, technically,
magic beans would be food.

Eating them would be a waste,
since you could plant them...

...and have a giant beanstalk which
would provide roughage for a small city.

Yeah, sometimes I don't listen.

Sometimes I just watch your jaw
go up and down.

We were on our way to the restaurant.

We saw Adam West, so we followed him.

- Who's Adam West?
- Who's Adam West?

What do the two of you
talk about after the coitus?

My guess is,
"Hey, four minutes. New record."

That's why I'm the funny one.

Anyway, we followed the guy
to this garage sale.

They had the coolest stuff.

They were closing up.
We got this whole box for 60 bucks.

We didn't go through it.
There could be anything.

There a new girlfriend in there?
You might need one.

No, but there is an original final draft
Ghostbusters script...

...with actual slime stains.

Oh, you're right, it's Ghostbusters Il.
Never mind.

Oh, my God.

An ALF doll.

When I was 11, my mother got me one
to help me sleep after my dad left.

I used to pretend that my dad
had moved to the planet Melmac...

...and ALF was gonna bring him back
to me.

But he never did.

Where's my daddy, puppet?

Where is he?

That is so sad.

No, what's sad is that you don't know
that Adam West was TV's Batman.

Here's Spock's head with no body.

Here's Mr. T's body with no head.

Oh, yeah, here's Spock's body
with Mr. T's head.

"I pity the fool who's illogical."

I'm just gonna go home
and make a grilled cheese...

...and window-shop on eHarmony.

- Okay, bye.
- Okay.

Ooh, look,
an Indiana Jones connect-the-dots.

And an Aquaman action figure.

Looks like someone drew a penis on him.

Eh. That'll come off.

You see what you're doing? Stop that.

- Fascinating.
- What?

- It appears to be a Lord of the Rings ring.
- Oh.

It's even got the Elvish engraving on it.

It's not Elvish.

It's the language of Mordor
written in Elvish script.

"One ring to rule them all."

"One ring to find them."

"One ring to bring them all."

"And in the darkness, bind them."

Holy crap, are we nerdy.

So I was doing some checking
on the ring...

Hold on. Sheldon,
is there ketchup on that table?

Yes, there is. Oh, here's a fun fact.

Ketchup started out as a general term
for sauce...

...typically made of mushrooms
or fish brine with herbs and spices.

Some popular early main ingredients
included blueberry, anchovy...

...oyster, kidney bean and grape.

No, that's okay, I'll get it.

Listen, I was looking at the ring
and it seemed a little weird.

No copyright notice on it.

So I took it down to this buddy of mine
who deals with...

...shall we say, the seedy underbelly
of the collectibles world.

Seedy underbelly?

Uh, your black-market phasers...

...your screen-worn Lieutenant Uhura
panties, that kind of stuff.

Who's this mysterious buddy
you suddenly have?

Just a guy. I know a guy.

- Is it Eddie Crispo?
- No, I can't tell you who it is.

- Who else could it be? It has to be.
- I know lots of dangerous people.

- Name one.
- Eddie Crispo.

Anyway, he said this isn't a replica.

It's the real deal.

If you're suggesting that
that is the actual ring of power...

...forged by Sauron in Mount Doom...

...I look at you with an expression
of exhaustion...

...and ever-so-slight amusement.

He's not saying it's a magic ring.

You're not, are you?

No, but it's close.

Look at the markings inside.

Those are production markings.

Nine rings were made
for use in the movies.

Three were given to members
of the cast. The rest were destroyed.

Except one.

One was stolen.

Gentlemen, this is the One Ring.


No, it is not yours.
We all went in on the box together.

Yes, but I found it in the box.

And the laws of maritime salvage
clearly state...

...that the finder of a sunken treasure
is the owner.

How is this maritime salvage?

Other than the lack of water,
how is it not?

Wait, Sheldon.
Stop being crazy for a second.

How much is something like this worth?

Well, it's tough to say, since it's hot.

On the underground market,
my guy figures...

- Your guy Eddie Crispo?
- Yes.

- He figures 10-, maybe 15,000.
- Okay, that's a lot of money.

The wise thing to do
is invest it in something practical.

Like a Jet Ski.

Why do you want a Jet Ski?

All the wealthy and beautiful people
in movies ride Jet Skis.

- That can't just be a coincidence.
- Ugh.

We can't sell it. We have to keep it
and love it and polish it.

Take it out occasionally
when we go to the park...

...and reenact our favorite scenes
from the movies.

It's sad how great that sounds.

Guys, it's stolen.
It should go back to Peter Jackson.

- He made the movies. It belongs to him.
- Fine.

He can have it back.

As long as he promises to make me
a hobbit in his next movie.

But there are no Jewish hobbits.

Clearly, you've never been to my house
for dinner on Rosh Hashanah.

We are not blackmailing Peter...

- All right, where's the ring?
- You mean my ring?

- What are you doing?
- The ring was unguarded.

It was sitting on the table.
Anyone could've taken it.

Proof? I did.

Give me that.

Be reasonable. We want to do
different things with the ring.

But your ideas are stupid
and I want a Jet Ski.

I found it. The ring is mine.

I don't understand why in this group
I never get my way.

You always get your way.

I'll stipulate to that
if you give me the ring.

Hey. Enjoying your food
that I actually brought you...

...instead of promising food
but bringing you a box of random crap?

Yeah, it's delicious.
The sarcasm's a little stale, though.

How about this? Until we figure out
what to do with the ring, Penny holds it.

- What ring?
- This ring.

Looking for something?

- Will you hold this for a couple of days?
- Why?

It's a prop from a movie
and we're kind of fighting over it.

The first piece of jewelry
my boyfriend gives me... a prop from a movie
and I don't even get to keep it?

If you had gone out with me years ago...'d have my Aunt Ida's brooch...

...that she smuggled
out of occupied Belgium in a cat.

How am I looking now?

You hit me!

I'm bleeding!

What was that?

Sheldon tried to take the ring
and I punched him.

That's my girl.

So, Sheldon, how's it feel
to get beaten up by a girl?

It's not the first time.

I have a twin sister
whose assaults began in utero.

If only I'd had the presence of mind
to reabsorb her.

I'd have a mole with hair in it...

...instead of a tedious
yearly Christmas letter.

Have you come to the realization...

...that the only reasonable action
is to sell the ring and divide the money?

- No.
- I was afraid of that.

Go ahead.

Greetings from Mumbai.

I'm Raj's attorney,
Venkatesh Koothrappali.

Also my cousin.

- You brought a lawyer?
- Don't answer that.

I'll get straight to the point.

My client's prepared to surrender
any interest in the ring... exchange for two Kawasaki Jet Skis.

We're not giving him two Jet Skis.

Look, we're big boys. Why don't we just
cut to the chase and meet In the middle?

One Kawasaki Jet Ski. Done and done.

No Jet Skis.

All right, forget the Jet Skis.

Forget the Jet Skis? What happened to
"tear them a new one"?

What can I say?
They played hardball. We lost.

- You're useless.
- I told you that when you hired me.

- I'm signing off now.
- Call your mother. She worries.

So you know, if we're bringing
in cousins who are lawyers...

...prepare for shock and awe.

You know, I am ending this.
Penny didn't wanna hold the ring.

She gave it to me. I have it.
I'm sending it back.

- Where's the ring?
- You mean this ring?

Be aware of your surroundings
while urinating in a public men's room.

- Give me that.
- No, it's mine.

It's all of ours.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

- Then let go!
- I'm not. You let go.

I say this ring belongs to the last person
who can hold on.

Fine. Can't we go home and start?

Sure. Let go of the ring.

All right. It starts now.

You do realize there's a giant-bug movie
marathon tonight on the Syfy Channel.

Wait, my laptop.

Yeah, there's a point
when this becomes idiotic.

And it wasn't
when we were driving like this?

I would advise the three of you
that resistance is futile.

I have endless patience.

I spent two and a half hours on hold
with Hewlett-Packard customer service...

...just to complain
about their customer service.

You wanna talk about endless patience?

Penny made me watch all five seasons
of Sex and the City.

There's six seasons, dude.

Oh, crap.

No, no, no, the sixth season is great.

We go to Paris with Carrie
and get our heart broken...

...and then Mr. Big shows up.
We don't know if we can trust him again.

It's a wild ride.


Okay, everybody, and pli?.

And relev?.

What are you doing?

Last one holding the ring
decides its fate.

I know it sounds silly.

No, no, no. You are my boyfriend.
Nothing you do is silly to me.

Thank you.

FYI, this is a bag from Victoria's Secret.

I'm out.

I'm sorry, Ma,
I have to stay late at the office.

No, he doesn't. He's lying to you.

Will you be quiet?

Well, if you want privacy,
let go of the ring.

I'm so glad we came
to this gentile strip club.

Howard, here's more bacon
to tuck into the shiksa's G-string.

I'll call you back.

It's lovely you call your mommy
and let her know you're going to be late.

From what I know, if a woman
doesn't breast-feed on time...'s very uncomfortable for her boobies.

Don't you talk
about my mother's boobies.

If you're offended, let go of the ring
and go on home to your mother's boobies.

Excellent. Tire each other out.
The ring will be mine.

Howard, why don't you
go after Raj's mother?

Why don't we go after your mother?

Go ahead.
I have no illusions about my mother.

She is a kind, loving,
religiously fanatical right-wing Texan...

...with a slightly out-of-scale head
and a mild Dr. Pepper addiction.

Anything you'd like to add?

That's not gonna get you anywhere.
Better pull out the big gun.

You're right.
Let's talk about your grandmother.


I call no meemaws.

Think about this.

The only way your mother was born
was your meemaw had sex.

- I don't wanna hear this.
- Then let go of the ring and walk away.

- Never.
- All right.

I'll bet your meemaw didn't just have sex
to have your mother...

...I bet she had sex...

...because she liked it.

- Stop it.
- Yeah. Meemaw did the nasty.

- I said stop it!
RAJESH & HOWARD: Ha-ha-ha.

- We're getting to him.
- Waterfalls.

- What?
- Waterfalls.

Crashing waves, babbling brooks.

- What are you doing?
- Subliminal messaging.

I'm going to make you want to pee.

Dripping faucets.

Leaky gutter.


It's not working, dude.

Oh-ho-ho. It's working, all right.

I have to pee.

- Then let go of the ring and go.
- Actually, I wouldn't mind going too. Heh.

Fine, um, on the count of three.

One, two...

Wait, just to clarify,
when you get to three... we stand up or do we pee?

We stand up.

Excellent choice.


Oh. Something tells me this was a bad day
to wear suede shoes.

I've done it. I've won.

The ring is mine.

It's mine!

We're going to clean it up
and make it pretty.

My own, my love... precious.

Where's the ring?

It's in a FedEx box on its way back
to where it came from.

The fires of Mount Doom?

Peter Jackson's office in New Zealand.
It wasn't ours.

You quit the game.
You had no right to take it.

You guys were sleeping. The ring was
on the floor. No one was touching it.

So we start the game over
until there's a winner.

There wasn't ever going to be a winner.

There was going to be a selfish person...

...and three people
who used to be his friend.

Is that what you guys want? If it is, fine.

I don't want anything to do with you.

I don't know what happened
in that bathroom, but I'm not cleaning it.

My precious.

I knew it.

- Give us the precious.
- Never! Never.

- Give it to me.
- Get off of me.

- Give me the ring.
- It's mine.

I gotta go back to dating dumb guys
from the gym.

- Give it back.
- Give it to me. Give me the ring!

- I said give it to me.
- It's mine!