The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 16 - The Excelsior Acquisition - full transcript

Sheldon misses an opportunity to get Stan Lee's autograph because he has to make an appearance in traffic court.

Will you please turn your shirt off?

What? I'm giving myself
dramatic entrance music.

People will know I'm awesome
and to be feared.

Right. There's nothing more awesome
and frightening...

...than a man who's got music blasting
from between his nipples.

- Hey, Stuart. What's going on?
- Well, you might wanna mark...

...your Google calendars. Stan Lee
is coming to do a signing on Thursday.

Did he finally write a sequel
to his autobiography?

I'm sure ages 79 through 87
were just action-packed.

No, just a regular comic signing.

My uncle is his dermatologist,
and Stan's doing him a favor.

Oh, I don't wanna know that.

How can I possibly discuss with
Stan Lee the scientific foundations...

...for interstellar flight on a surfboard
when part of my brain...

...will be scanning his face
for signs of contagious skin disease?

Stan Lee does not have
a contagious skin disease.

Well, look who thinks
he's Stuart's uncle now.

Can't believe it.
We're gonna meet Stan Lee.

I'm so excited
And I just can't hide it

I'm about to lose control
And I think I like it

I'm sad to say
I taught him those moves.

I can't decide whether I want Stan Lee
to autograph... Journey Into Mystery 83,
first appearance of Thor...

...or my Fantastic FourNumber 5,
first appearance of Dr. Doom.

Alex, I'm gonna go with:
"What is you're a dumb-ass?"

I've decided I'm going to have Mr. Lee
sign my copy of this month's Batman.

That's crazy. Stan Lee
had nothing to do with Batman.

Which is why no one else
will ask him to sign one.

I'll be the possessor of a unique,
albeit confusing artifact...

...which will set me apart from
the hoi polloi of comic-book fandom.

That's a great idea. I'm gonna get him
to sign a Batman as well.

What is it about the word "unique"
you don't understand?

Ow! Damn. Paper cut.
Nothing worse than a paper cut.

Well, obviously,
you don't remember your circumcision.

There's Neosporin and Band-Aids
in my top desk drawer.

Why don't you keep that stuff
in the bathroom?

He does. And in the kitchen,
and in the car, and in his pocket.

Yeah, but the ones in my pocket
are mine.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Guess who's gonna be
at the comic store on Thursday.

- Um, can you give me a hint?
- Stan Lee.

Um, Stanley. Stanley. Stanley Tucci?

No, ha, ha. No. Stan Lee.

Oh. Oh, Stan Lee. Cool.

You have no idea who he is, do you?

Of course I do.
You're an important part of my life...

...and I pay attention to the things
you are interested in.

- Good. Good.
- Heh, heh.

So who's Stan Lee?

Um, he was on Star Trek.

- No.
- Star Wars?


Um, Stan Lee. Oh, he was in those goofy
kung fu movies you love so much?

That's Bruce Lee.


So is this Bruce Lee's
nerdy brother, Stan?

Sheldon, why do you have all these
unopened paychecks in your desk?

Because most of the things I'm planning
to buy haven't been invented yet.

There must be thousands
of dollars here.

- Why don't you put it in the bank?
- I don't trust banks.

I believe that when the robots rise up,
ATMs will lead the charge.

You've also got something
from the Pasadena Municipal Court.

Undoubtedly yet another snide response
to my repeated letters...

...complaining that the flags in front of
the courthouse are in the wrong order.

It's supposed to be federal, state,
and then city of Pasadena.

I'm sorry, you sent more than one letter
about that?

It bothers me.

- Sheldon, this is a summons.
- A summons? For what?

Looks like you ran a red light...

...on Marengo Avenue at 9:30 p.m.
on November 16th.

They got you on a traffic camera.
Nice picture.

November 16th? Penny, that's
the evening you fell in your bathtub.

I had to drive you
to the emergency room.

No, it isn't.

- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.

I have an eidetic memory. That's
a picture of you in the passenger seat...

...holding your dislocated shoulder.

Hmm. No, it isn't.

Okay, then why is a summons
for a traffic violation...

...committed in your car, bearing
your license plates, coming to me?

Okay, look, they sent me the ticket.

I told them I wasn't driving,
and they were all, "Who was it?"

- So you betrayed me.
- No.

It wasn't a betrayal.

It was more of a, I can't afford
any more points on my license.

I already have to buy my insurance
from this place in the Cayman Islands.

But the only reason
I was driving your car...

...was because you were in distress,
and I was rescuing you.

Yes. And look, now you have a photo
to remember that heroic day.

It's not that big a deal.

You just go down to the court on Thursday,
and you pay the fine.

I'm not going to pay a fine.
That would imply I'm guilty.

You are guilty.

- That one I liked.
- Yeah.

I am not guilty.
I only have a learner's permit.

Penny was the teacher.
When the light turned yellow...

...she said, "Go, go, go,"
so I went, went, went.

Sheldon, I'm sorry. I'll be happy
to reimburse you for the fine.

You know, as soon as I get a part
in a movie or my own TV series.

You don't need to reimburse me.
I'm not paying.

On Thursday, I will have my day in court,
and justice will be done.

In fact, I'm going to begin
preparing my defense right now.

Okay, he's going to jail.

Oh, that's right.
Thursday's Stan Lee day.

Now you see what you've done?

Because of you,
we're all going to miss Stan Lee.


- What do you mean "all"?
- Well, you're my friends.

You'll be standing by my side,
supporting me...

...feeding me legal precedents,
and, if you have the strength...

...carrying me out on your shoulders
when I'm victorious.

Yeah, okay, no.

Are you saying that you will not stand
beside me as I plead my case?

That's what I'm saying.

- Howard?
- Wow. Ahem.

Uh, Stan Lee or you in court.

Uh, if this was Sophie's Choice,
it would've been a much shorter movie. No.

Raj, you'll be there, won't you?

All right, then,
my so-called friends have forsaken me.

So I guess it'll just be me
and my eyewitness.

Oh, balls.

Try to wear something appropriate.
It won't help my case if the judge... busy trying to read the word "Juicy"
scrawled across your buttocks.

Penny. Penny.


- That's just wrong.
- All right, let's go.

Wait. Hold on.
Before we get to the courthouse...

...I'd like to call on your skills
as an actress.

What is this?

I've taken the liberty of scripting
your appearance on the witness stand.

You're somewhat of a loose cannon.

Don't worry, it's written
in your vernacular. So shall we rehearse?

- Do I have a choice?
- Of course you have a choice.

Although we live in a deterministic
universe, each individual has free will.

Now, sit down.

"I call your attention
to the events of November 16th.

Do you remember that date?"

"Darn tooting, I do.

If the court will excuse my homespun,
corn-fed, Nebraskan turn of phrase."

- Excellent. Go on.
- "The reason that date is, like... totally fixed in my memory is that
I had the privilege to be witness... one of the most heroic acts
I've ever seen in, like, ever."

"And who performed that heroic act?"

"Why, you did, sir.
You, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

And may I add,
it is a privilege to know you."

"T here's no need for compliments.
This court is only interested in the facts."

"But it is a fact
that it's a privilege to know you.


"A teardrop rolls down my cheek"?

Only a suggestion. A catch in your throat
would work just as well.

"But it is a fact
that it's a privilege to know you.


Maybe you should put on
your Juicy pants again.

Pay the cashier.

Sheldon Cooper.

Good morning, Your Honor.

Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se.
That is to say, representing himself.

I know what it means.
I went to law school.

And yet you wound up in traffic court.

If it would please the court,
I'd like to begin with an opening statement.

The court would advise you
to make it quick.

The court had a dicey-looking
breakfast burrito and just took an Imodium.

Very well. A quick opening statement.

Like a milking stool,
my case rests on three legs.

I will demonstrate that
I was improperly instructed in driving... a woman whose lack of respect
for society borders on the sociopathic.

I will argue that the emergency
met the legal doctrine...

...of quod est necessarium est licitum,
that which is necessary is legal.

But first,
I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue.

I am unable to confront my accuser,
a non-human entity, to wit, a camera.

So to sum up, improper instruction...

...quod est necessarium est licitum,
Sixth Amendment.

My milk stool is complete.

- Impressive.
- Thank you.

Guilty. Pay the cashier.

I object.
You're completely ignoring the law.

No, I'm following the law.
I'm ignoring you.

Really? I would point out that I am
at the top of my profession...

...while you preside
over the kiddie table of yours.

Dr. Cooper, before I find you in contempt
and throw you in jail...

...I'm gonna give you a chance
to apologize for that last remark.

I'm a scientist.
I never apologize for the truth.

That's my spot.

I can't wait to ask Stan Lee
why he insists on giving his characters...

...first and last names
that start with the same letter.

Oh, come on. Why would you do that?

Bruce Banner, Reed Richards,
Sue Storm, Stephen Strange...

...Otto Octavius, Silver Surfer,
Peter Parker.

Oh, and worst of all,
J. Jonah Jameson Jr.

Okay, I'm cutting.

I'm not gonna talk to Stan Lee
after you cheese him off.

- Hey.
- Sheldon's in jail.

- Sheldon's in jail?
- You called it.

- For what?
- What do you think?

For doing the same crap he always does,
except to a judge.

- He has to stay there until he apologizes.
- So tell him to apologize.

Oh, gee, thanks, Leonard.
That didn't occur to me.

If he doesn't apologize by 5:00,
he's gonna spend the night in jail.

Oh, no, that's terrible.
The line's moving. Gotta go. Bye.

Excuse me. Excuse me, jailor?

- What?
- I need to use the restroom.

Knock yourself out.

- That's the toilet?
- Well, it ain't a wishing well.

Please tell the judge
I'm ready to apologize.

Look at that.

"To my friend Leonard.
From Stan Lee. Excelsior!"

Awesome. Mine says:

"To my friend Howard.
From Stan Lee. Excelsior!"

Mine says, "To Raj. From Stan Lee."

That's because you pissed him off
about his character names.

I didn't even mention
Dum Dum Dugan...

...or Green Goblin, Matt Murdock,
Pepper Potts, Victor von Doom.

Oh, and worst of all, Millie the Model.

We're home.

- Oh, hey, buddy. How'd it go?
- You know very well how it went.

Yeah. But we all wanna
hear it from you.

- I was found guilty and fined $533.
- I'm gonna write you a check for that.

As long as you promise to put it in your
drawer and never cash it like the others.

I also now have three points on
a driver's license I do not yet possess...

...and I was forced to issue
an undeserved apology...

...because I refused to urinate in
a stainless-steel bowl in front of criminals.

Plus, you didn't get to meet Stan Lee.

Okay, that's enough, Howard.
The poor guy's had a tough time.

He had to spend the entire afternoon
in jail wearing that suit.

It would be cruel to mention that,
after he finished signing autographs...

...Stan Lee took Stuart and us out
for gelato.

You had gelato with Stan Lee?

He said we could call him Stan.

Except for Raj.

Well, I hope you're satisfied, Penny.

You are responsible for all the evil
that has befallen me today.

- I realize...
- Not finished.

It is because of you
that I now have a criminal record.

And it is because of you that I missed out
on having gelato with Stan Lee.

- Maybe you'll have another chance...
- No.

I will never have another chance
to have gelato with Stan Lee...

...because opportunities
to have gelato with Stan Lee...

...come but once in a lifetime.

The moving finger writes
and, having writ, moves on.

Did he just somehow
give me the finger?

Not just the finger, the moving finger.

Hey, Stuart.

Oh, hey, Penny. Wow.


- What's going on?
- Nothing.

I'm just getting ready to close up
and head out.

- Cool. Got any fun plans?
- Oh, yeah. Big night tonight.

Gonna share a can of tuna
with the cat.

Oh, nice.

Not even my cat. I just feed it.
Some nights, it doesn't even show up.

Oh, okay. Well, I was hoping, um,
you could do me a favor.

Sure, yeah. Name it.

I'm kind of responsible
for Sheldon missing Stan Lee.

I really wanna make it up to him.
I was hoping... could give me his number
so I can arrange for them to meet.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't have his phone number.

Damn. All right. Thank you.



I have his address.

Really? Great.

But I can't give it to you.

- Then why did you tell me you had it?
- I don't know. Just chatting.

You're looking at a guy who could very well
get stood up by a stray cat tonight.

I'm sorry, Stuart. Thanks anyway.



- Yeah?
- Maybe we can make a deal.

What kind of deal?

I will give you the address if you go
to my cousin's wedding with me.

- You're extorting a date out of me?
- I kind of have to.

The cousin who's getting married is
the cousin I usually go to weddings with.

- Can I bring Leonard?
- Sure. What the hell?

- Deal.
- We'll tell people he's your cousin.

This is Stan Lee's front door.

We were on Stan Lee's curb,
then we were on Stan Lee's walk...

- ...and now we're at Stan Lee's front door.
- Yep.

Oh, Lord, you just rang Stan Lee's
doorbell at Stan Lee's house.

We're about to go in and
have milk and cookies with Stan Lee.

Sweetie, I don't know if we're gonna
have cookies or what's gonna happen... just let me talk and...


- Are you Stan Lee?
- Oh, damn.

Hi. I'm Penny.
This is my friend Sheldon.

We're not friends at the moment.
Depends on how this goes.

Right, right. Anyway,
Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours.

He was supposed to meet you the other
day, but he kind of ended up in jail.

I see. And you thought you'd just
come over to my house uninvited?

You said we were invited.

Oh, no, no. I said I'm inviting you
to come with me to Stan Lee's house.

You know, you fanboys are unbelievable.

Do you think you can just ring
my doorbell anytime you want?

I mean, why don't you just come on in
and watch the Lakers game with me?

Well, I'm not much of a sports fan,
but thank you.

I'm sorry.
He doesn't really understand sarcasm.

Well, I'll give him something
he'll understand.

- Joanie, call the police.
- Nice to meet you.

Fantastic Four, Daredevil...

...Invincible Iron Man,
Happy Hogan, Curt Connors...

Would you just let it go?

And worst of all, Fin Fang Foom.

- Hey. Where you been?
- I'll tell you where I've been.

You boys may have had gelato
with Stan Lee...

...and gotten autographed comics,
but I saw the inside of his house...

...and got an autographed application
for a restraining order.


Plus, I get to hang out with him again,
at the hearing.

This is going to look great...

...hanging next to my restraining order
from Leonard Nimoy.