The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 15 - The Large Hadron Collision - full transcript

When Leonard is offered a trip to Switzerland on Valentine's Day to visit the CERN laboratory, Sheldon uses any and all means to be his guest instead of Penny.

Yeah, I miss you too, sweetie. Ha, ha.

Okay, listen, I gotta go,
but I'll see you tonight.

Bye-bye. Yeah, bye-bye.

No, you hang up first.


Dude, I'm glad
you finally got a girlfriend...

...but do you have to do lovey-dovey
in front of us who don't?

Actually, he might have to.

There's an economic concept
known as a "positional good"... which an object is only valued
because it's not possessed by others.

The term was coined in 1976
by economist Fred Hirsch... replace the more colloquial
but less precise "neener-neener."

That's not true. My happiness
is not dependent on my best friend...

- ...being miserable and alone.
- Thank you.

I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a perk.

- Who's miserable and alone?
- Me.

Oh. I used to be like that.
Then I got a girlfriend.

In pre-1976 terms, "neener-neener."

What are you and Bernadette doing
for Valentine's Day?

Yeah, I'm pulling out all the stops.
There's a 39.95 Lover's Special... P.F. Chang's.

Yeah, egg rolls, dumplings,
bottomless wok.

Yeah, and you get your picture taken
on the big marble horse out front.

Given that Saint Valentine...

...was a third century Roman priest
who was stoned and beheaded...

...wouldn't a more appropriate
celebration... taking one's steady gal
to witness a brutal murder?

I understand your point,
but given the choice...

...Jews always go with Chinese food.

If anyone's interested,
I'll be spending this Valentine's Day...

...the same way
I spend every Valentine's.

Buying rotisserie chicken,
taking it home, standing over the sink...

...and eating it out of the package
with my bare hands like an animal.

Okay, so to sum up,
one giant marble horse... asinine comment,
one lonely man and his chicken...

...and let's see. Who's left?

Oh, that's right, my plans.

Isn't anyone gonna ask?

- You're gonna have sex with Penny.
- That's not what I was gonna tell you.

It's okay. I don't mind hearing
about your sex life.

It's his that bugs me.

Guess who the university
is sending to Switzerland... attend a conference and see the
CERN Super Collider on February 14th?

Professor Norton. God knows why.

He hasn't published anything of note
since he won that Nobel Prize.

Professor Norton can't make it.
He threw his back out climbing.

I heard he threw his back out
climbing on his girlfriend.

- Weathergirl on Channel Two?
- That's the one.

In any case,
they're asking me to fill in for him.

In Switzerland
or with the big-boobed weather girl?

And I get to bring a guest.

- Oh, no way, dude!
- Oh, my God, this is incredible.

I'm so happy I'm not gonna question
their judgment in picking you.

I'm just gonna run home
and start packing.

Wait, why wouldn't you take Penny?

I am taking Penny.


Then I anticipate an awkward situation
when you get home.

- Sheldon, you got a minute?
- Of course, my good friend. Come in.

Yeah, help me out.

Which ski hat says,
"Apr?s Super Collider"?

I'm not taking you to Switzerland.

Well, of course you are.
Who else would you take?

- Penny.
- What? That's absurd.

Penny has no interest
in subatomic particle research.

Yes, but it'll be Valentine's Day.

We can go sightseeing and skiing
and make love in front of a roaring fire... the shadow
of the snow-capped Alps.

But Penny has no interest
in subatomic particle research.

I'm sorry, Sheldon.

Sorry? I've been dreaming about
going to the Large Hadron Collider...

...since I was 9 years old.

I've been dreaming about spending
Valentine's with a girl since I was 6.

Shame on you.

That's no dream for a scientist.

- Okay, what's the big surprise?
- Just a minute.

This tray contains clues... to what you and I are going
to be doing on Valentine's Day.

Oh, wow, okay. Let's see.

We've got milk chocolate,
Swiss cheese, fondue.

My lactose-intolerant boyfriend
is gonna eat all this...

...then I'm gonna climb on his back
and rocket to the moon?


But it does involve air travel.

Okay. Um...

Let me slice this Swiss cheese
with my Swiss Army knife...

...and then you can wash it down...

...with a cup
of Swiss Miss instant cocoa.

Okay, I'm starting to think
"Swiss" is key here.


We're going to Disneyland
and ride the Matterhorn.

How does that involve air travel?

We're going to Disney World
and ride the Matterhorn.

- No.
- Okay, sweetie, this started out fun...

...but I'm over it.

We're going to Switzerland
to see the CERN Super Collider.

And ski. We'll also go skiing.

- We're going skiing in Switzerland?
- You'll ski, I'll fall.

But, yeah, we will be in Switzerland
for Valentine's Day.

- Oh, my God, Leonard, that's incredible.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Not so fast.

You might wanna hold off
on lighting your R??beliechtli, Penny.

My ribee-what-ly?

R??beliechtli, it means turnip light...

...and refers to a lantern
hand-carved from a root vegetable... celebrate Swiss festivals
which you'll not be celebrating...

...because, A,
these festivals occur in the fall...

...and B,
you will not be going to Switzerland.

Sheldon, we've been through this.
I'm taking Penny.

Afraid not. Do you recognize this?

- Oh, not the roommate agreement.
- Indeed, the roommate agreement.

I call your attention
to the Friendship Rider... Appendix C: Future Commitments.
Number 37:

"In the event one friend is ever invited
to visit the Large Hadron Collider... under construction, he shall invite
the other friend to accompany him."

Oh, for God's sakes.

You actually put that
in an agreement?

We put in what happens
if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant...

...or if one of us gets superpowers,
or if one of us is bitten by a zombie.

He can't kill me. Even if I turn.

Is there anything about
if one of you gets a girlfriend?

No, that seemed a little far-fetched.

Sheldon, do you really expect
to enforce this?

I've lived up to my commitments
under the agreement.

At least once a day I ask how you are,
even though I simply don't care.

I no longer stage spontaneous
biohazard drills after 10 p.m.

And I abandoned my goal
to master Tuvan throat singing.

- I shouldn't ask, but what is...?
- No.

I'd be much further along
if I'd been allowed to practice.

Look, Sheldon,
I know it's in the agreement.

If you turn into a zombie,
I promise I will not kill you.

In fact, I'll even let you eat my brains.
But I'm taking Penny to Switzerland.

- Is that your final decision?
- It is.

Very well.

It's not over, is it?

What do you think?

Got a bit of traffic this morning, huh?

Think it's gonna rain?

Instead of underpants, I covered
my crotch with potato salad. Thoughts?

I know what'll cheer you up.
Let's play one of your driving games.

All right. This game is called Traitors.

I will name three historical figures...

...put them in order
of the heinousness of their betrayal:

Benedict Arnold, Judas,
Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.

You really think I belong
with Benedict Arnold and Judas?

You're right. Judas had the decency
to hang himself after what he did.

Can't you at least try to understand
how much this means to me?

Round two: Leonard Hofstadter,
Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch.

Rupert Murdoch?

He owns Fox
and they cancelled Firefly.

Hint: He and Darth Vader
are tied for number two.

Sorry, I couldn't hang with you.
I had a date with Bernadette.

I know. I saw the tweet.

- So, what did you end up doing?
- Not much. Nuked a burrito...

...prayed to Hindu god Urvashi
your bowels'd loosen...

...and your penis would droop
like a willow tree.

- You seen Sheldon?
- No.

- Is he still mad about the Super Collider?
- Yeah, he thinks I betrayed him.

What would you guys do
if you were me?

I'd take Sheldon to Switzerland.

- Seriously?
- Absolutely. And I'd leave him there.

What the hell is that?

Uh, let's see.

Yep, 30 pieces of silverware.

Morning, old chum.

- What's going on?
- I've made you breakfast.

Juice, coffee...

...and pancakes in the shape of some
of your favorite fictional characters.

See, here's Frodo.

- You made Frodo pancakes?
- Yeah, I used coconut shavings... do the hair on his feet.

If you need to void your bladder
before eating...

...I can keep them warm with this beret
that I thoroughly laundered...

...and pressed into service
as a pancake cozy.

Why are you doing this?

It's by way of an apology
for my recent behavior.

I've had some time to reflect
and I've come to realize...

...that friendship is not an aggregation
of written agreements.

It's the result of two people
respecting and caring for each other.

- Butterscotch scone?
- Thanks.

- It's good.
- What you're tasting is respect...

...and affection.

And about a pound of Crisco.

After breakfast,
I thought we could spend the day...

...watching the final season of Babylon 5
with director commentary.

You hate Babylon 5.

I do. It fails as drama, science fiction
and it's hopelessly derivative.

But you like it, and you're my friend.

Okay, great.

- Still not taking you to Switzerland.
- Drat.

No Frodo for you.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Let's dispense
with the friendly banter.

I believe you know why I'm here.

Well, I always figured
it was to study us... our weaknesses,
and report back to your alien overlords.

Yes, amusing.

Extraordinary intelligence might well
appear extraterrestrial to you...

...but let me be more specific.

I believe you know why I'm here
in the laundry room.

Better acoustics
for your throat singing?

It's actually not bad.

But my true purpose in being here
will be revealed... this brief PowerPoint presentation.
Ahem. Lights.

"Why Sheldon Cooper, PhD...

...should go to Switzerland
to see the CERN Super Collider:

A PowerPoint presentation
by Sheldon Cooper, PhD."

Oh, for God's sakes.

Here, we have a highly gifted researcher
in the field of particle physics...

...whose work has brought him
to the precipice...

...of forever changing mankind's
understanding of the universe, a.k.a. me.

And here, we have a waitress
brushing her teeth with her finger.

A.k.a. you.

Is this supposed to be buttering me up?

Please hold all questions
until the end of the presentation.

This is the Large Hadron Collider
at CERN in Switzerland.

The product of decades
of planning and construction.

It is a mecca
for physicists the world over.

This is Bath and Body Works
on Colorado Boulevard.

They sell scented soaps and lotions.
Some of which contain glitter.

Now, let's see
if we can match the individual... the appropriate destination.

Okay. Show's over.

No, it's not. I've got five more slides.

Sheldon, this is Leonard's decision.

He invited me to Switzerland
and I intend to go.

Very well.

Enjoy yourself.

You're gonna be in the presence of
something I've dreamed of for decades.

I hope you'll appreciate...

...the magnitude of where you are,
and what it represents.

I'll talk to Leonard.

- You will?
- Yes.

If it means that much to you,
you should go.

Oh, Penny, thank you.

- You're welcome.
- Since I rarely hug...

...I'm relying on your expertise
regarding duration.

- I think we're there.
- Oh, good.


Even though I don't have a girlfriend, I
can still have a good time on Valentine's.

Trust me, you can't. I've tried.

No, no, no.
I'm gonna have a "me" day.

I'm gonna go
to one of those spas in Koreatown...

...take a steam, get a massage.

Then I'm gonna stop at a pet store
and get licked by puppies.

- Sheldon, I need to talk to you.
- All right, my friend.

Would you like some cholermus?

- Some what?
- Cholermus.

It's a traditional Swiss breakfast dish.

I'm preparing my gastrointestinal system
for the exotic cuisine of Switzerland.

- You're not going to Switzerland.
- Oh, but I am.

Didn't Penny tell you the good news?

You went behind my back to guilt her
into letting you go instead of her.

Yes, that good news.

Forget it. I was the one invited,
I get to decide who goes with me.

And it's Penny, not you.

Howard, could you lower the lights?
I have a short PowerPoint presentation.

I don't need to see your presentation.
This discussion is over.

Well, that's a somewhat
ambiguous response. Am I going or not?

Sheldon, at this point...

...I would go by myself
before I would take you.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

Well, then.
You leave me no alternative.

From this moment forward,
we can be roommates...

...but we will no longer be friends.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

I don't think you're fully aware
of the ramifications here, Leonard.

Why don't you enlighten me?

With the friendship clause
of our agreement nullified...'re no longer entitled
to accompany me to go swimming... Bill Gates' house
should I be invited.

Ooh, that's gotta sting.

Think, this time tomorrow,
we'll be in Geneva, Switzerland...

- ...for our first Valentine's Day.
- I know.

I went shopping today and bought
special undies for the occasion.

Thermal? Because it's gonna be cold.

Think it through, Leonard.

- Oh.
- Oh.


Or as they say in Switzerland,

- Getting a cold?
- No, no, it's probably just allergies.

You want an allergy pill?
I have them all.

Prescription, nonprescription, foreign,
domestic, experimental.

Do any of them work?

Not really, I'm just an enthusiast.


You okay?

Did that sound okay to you?

Do not come in here.

What's going on?

I'm having a tea party.
What do you think is going on?

I think I might have the flu.

Or the plague.

Well, our plane leaves at 9 a.m.
Do you think you'll feel better by then?

Yep. Because I'm gonna be dead.

Hey, Sheldon?

Listen, Penny's sick and she's not
gonna be able to go to Switzerland... if you're still interested,
you're welcome to come.

Great. I'll start packing.

In a minute.

Oh, look, it's the cholermus.

Ugh. Here's your soup.

- Chicken?
- Yes.

- With the little stars?
- Yes.

Heated to 180 degrees?

Why don't I pour it in your lap
and you can tell me?

You don't have to be mean. I'm sick.

- Yeah, well, I'm sick too.
- Not my problem.

I don't understand
how this happened to me.

I'm scrupulous about my hygiene,
I regularly disinfect my hands...

...and I avoid contact with other people
on general principle.

I don't know what to tell you,

Oh, Penny, thank you.

You're welcome.

It's you. I touched you.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, my goodness, look at this room.

Champagne, roses,
oh, and little chocolates.

This is going to be
the best Valentine's Day ever.

Yeah, I forgot about all this.

But I never will.