The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 18 - The Pants Alternative - full transcript

Sheldon seeks help from the rest of the gang in overcoming his fear of public speaking when he receives an award.

Okay in Avatar when
they gave sex in Pandora

they hook up their ponytails,
so we know their ponytails

are like their junk.

Yeah... so?

So, when they ride horses
and fly on the birds,

they also use their ponytails.

What's your point?

My point is,
if I were a horse or a bird,

I'd be very nervous
around James Cameron.

It amazes me
how you constantly obsess

over fictional details

when there
are more important things

in the real world
to worry about.

For example,
why wasn't William Shatner

in the new Star Trek movie?

Hey, Sheldon.

I was up in the
administration office,

and I happened
to overhear

the name of the winner

of this year's
Chancellor's Award for Science.

And you want to rub
my nose in the fact

that my contributions
are being overlooked again?

I am the William Shatner
of theoretical physics.

All right, I'll play.

What self-important,
preening fraud

are they honoring this year?

Oh, I'm so glad you asked it
like that. You.

I won?
You won.

I won!

This is astonishing.

Not that I won the award--
no one deserves it more.

Actually, I guess I misspoke.

It's not astonishing;
more like inevitable.

I'm not sure what to do first.

Maybe I should call my mother.

Wait! I know-- I'm going
to conduct an interview

with myself and post it online.

Well, good for him.

Yeah, the one thing
the William Shatner

of theoretical physics needed
was an ego boost.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

The Big Bang Theory 3x18
The Pants Alternative
Original Air Date on March 22, 2010

(dramatic movie music plays
over TV)

Didn't it look
like that spear

was going to go
right through your skull?


Hey, you didn't want a Slurpee
at 7-Eleven,

you don't get glasses.

(phone ringing)

Oh, that will be another
congratulatory call for me.

Uh, mute, please.

Wait, wait. Hang on--
flaming arrow.

(TV audio muted)

Oh, Chancellor Morton,
how are you, sir?

Yes, I was expecting your call.

Three years ago.

I see.

Wait. What happens if I choose
not to give a speech?


And if I don't want
to forfeit the award?

Well, you've got that tied up
in a neat little bow.

All right.

Thank you.



They expect me to give a speech
at the banquet.

I can't give a speech.

Well, no,
you're mistaken.

You give speeches
all the time.

What you can't
do is shut up.

Yeah, before the movie,

you did 20 minutes
on why guacamole turns brown.

It turned brown
while you were talking.

I am perfectly comfortable
speaking to small groups.

I cannot speak to large crowds.

What, to you, is a large crowd?

Any group big enough
to trample me to death.

General rule of thumb
is 36 adults or 70 children.

Sheldon, congratulations.

Brought you a cheesecake
from work.

You know, 'cause of your award,

not because a busboy sneezed
on it.

I'm not accepting the award.
Why not?

Turns out the great Sheldon
Cooper has stage fright.

That's no reason to back out.

You know, I once got
a pretty big honor

in high school,
and I was terrified

about appearing
in front of a big crowd,

but I went through with
it, and you know what?

The world
looked pretty darn good

sitting on a haystack
in the back of a Ford F-150

as a member
of the Corn Queen's court.

Thank you.

Yeah, I'll bear that in mind

if I'm ever nominated
for the Hillbilly Peace Prize.

you're being ridiculous.

Am I?

Let me tell you a story.

Where's 70 children
when you need them?

I was 14 and graduating
summa cum laude from college.

"Summa cum laude" is Latin
for "with highest honors."

I just love how
you always skip

over the part
where no one asks.

I was valedictorian
and expected to give an address.

Even now,
I can remember that moment

when I walked up to the podium
and looked out at the crowd.

There must have been thousands
of people.

My heart started pounding
in my chest.

I began to

My vision became blurry,
and before I knew it...

Oh, dear.

Oh, my God.


Sheldon, are you okay?

Don't trample me.

Come on, Mother.

You know why I can't accept
the award.

With all due respect,
I don't think praying will help.

No, I have not heard the song,
"Jesus, Take the Wheel."

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't need
to start singing it.

Yes, I'll buy it
on the iTunes, Mother.

Good-bye, Mother.


Sit down.

We want to talk to you.

Am I in trouble?

Did my mother call you?

Just sit.

We think we can help you
with your stage fright.

Oh, I doubt that.

I haven't figured out a way,

and I'm much smarter
than all of you.

Yes, but you're not smarter
than all of us put together.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That is what I meant.

Okay. Your problem is,

you're trying to do this
all by yourself.

We can help you.
We can be your team.

Like, uh, Professor Xavier
and his X-Men.

I do like the X-Men.

Did I see X-Men?

Yeah, we watched it last week.

You said you liked it.

Oh. I say a lot of things,

So, how about it, Sheldon?

I don't know.

If you're my X-Men,
what are your powers?

Okay. Well, I am going
to take you shopping,

get you a nice suit.

Might give you more confidence.

That's not exactly a mutation
that would get you

into Xavier's School for
Gifted Youngsters, but go on.


I thought I could try
to analyze you

and get to the root
of your anxiety.

What qualifies you to attempt
to understand my mind?

My mother is
a highly regarded psychiatrist,

and I've been in therapy
ever since she accused me

of breast-feeding codependently.

Raj says he can
teach you...

What did you call it?

I don't know-- some
Indian meditation crap.

I see.

Well, I assume,
since the rest of you

have set the bar so
low, you're saving

the most impressive contribution
for last.

Go ahead, Howard.

Dazzle me.

My power is the ability
to pretend

like I give a damn
about your piddily-ass problems.

And that's 24-seven, buddy.

And I appreciate
the pretense.

So, what do you say, Sheldon?

Are we your X-Men?


The X-Men were named for the "X"
in Charles Xavier.

Since I am Sheldon Cooper,
you will be my C-Men.

Oh, that's not a good name.

(Indian music playing)

Okay, Sheldon.

I'm going
to be leading you

through a series
of meditation exercises.

These methods come
from the ancient gurus of India

and have helped me
overcome my own fears.

And yet, you can't
speak to women.

True, but thanks to meditation,
I am able to stay

in the same room with them
without urinating.

Now... (clears throat)
close your eyes.

Okay, but don't punch me.


When I was little, my
sister would say to me,

"Close your eyes,
you'll get a surprise,"

and then she'd punch me.

I'm not going to punch you.

That's what my
sister used to say.

Do you want to do this or not?

I'm sorry. Proceed.

All right.
(clears throat)

Imagine yourself
in the one place

you feel most at home.

Where is that?

Sim City.

More specifically,
the Sim City I designed--


Okay, you're
in Sheldonopolis.

Where exactly?

Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers?

Sheldon Stadium,
home of the Fighting Sheldons?

Whatever you like.

I thought this was supposed
to be a guided meditation.

Fine. You're in Sheldon Square.

Really? This time of year?

It's a bit nippy.

Then, put on a sweater.

Suppose I could run downtown

and pick up something
at Shel-Mart.

Yeah, whatever.
Just go buy a sweater.

You know, the nice thing
about Shel-Mart is I own it,

so I get a 15% discount.

You own the damn thing.

Just take a freaking sweater!

Look, I didn't turn a profit
last quarter

by taking product
off the shelves willy-nilly.

All right.

You've paid for a sweater,
and you're in Sheldon Square.

(clears throat)
Hang on.

It's a cardigan.
I have to button it.

Oh, no.

What now?

A Godzilla-like monster
is approaching the city.

I have to get my
people to safety.

People of Sheldonopolis,
this is your mayor.

Follow me.

If the children can't run,
leave them behind.

Oh, the simulated horror!

(door slamming)


Just as I suspected.

Meditation is nothing but hokum.

I question your premise.

How is a new suit going
to prevent me

from passing out in front of
a ballroom full of people?

It'll give you confidence.

You know, sometimes when
I'm feeling all stressed out

about something, I go out
and buy a cute top

or a fun skirt and I have
a whole new outlook on life.

Don't you eventually

you're just the same
stressed out person

in a cute top
or a fun skirt?

Yeah, that's when I buy shoes.

Now, let's see
what we've got.


This is nice.

It's only one color.

Yeah, so?

That's a lot of money
for only one color.


Why don't you pick out
what you like.


This is pretty sharp.


You're wrong.

This is great.

I had a suit like this
when I was six.

Okay, I think
we have a winner.

Where the hell'd you find that?

In the prom department.

It's ridiculous.

Says the former member
of the Corn Queen's Court.

Please just try
this one on.


But anything I put on now

is only going to suffer
in comparison.

This is absurd.

I look like a clown.

So, Sheldon... you doing?

That's how you start a
psychotherapy session?

"How am I doing?"

I was promised
a riverboat journey

into the jungles
of my subconscious.

Instead, I get the same
question I hear

from the lady who slices
my bologna at Ralph's.

I'm sorry, I'll start again.

Would it be helpful to you

if I told you
about my dreams?

Um, I don't know, maybe.

I recently had a dream

that I was a giant.

But everything around me
was to scale,

so it all looked normal.

How did you know
you were a giant

if everything was to scale?

I was wearing size
a million pants.

Why don't we just talk?


The talking cure.

Classical Freudian.
Good choice.

If it will help
speed things along,

uh, my answers to the standard
Rorschach ink blot test are:

A) a bat, B) a bat,

C) a bat,

and D) my father
killing my mother

with a hypodermic needle.

Why don't I just start?


people have trouble
accepting accolades

if, on a subconscious level,

they don't feel
they deserve them.

Do you think maybe that's
what's happening here?

Really, Leonard?

You're just going to try
to recycle Adler's doctrine

of the inferiority complex?

I could probably get that
from the woman at Ralph's.

And she'd let me taste some
pieces of cheese for free.

But it could be part
of your problem.

Let me give you
an example.

When I was eight,

I won a ribbon
at the science fair

for my project, "Do Lima Beans
Grow Better to Classical Music."

But my mother pointed out

that it was just a rehash
of my brother's earlier

"Do Lima Beans Grow Worse
to Rock 'n' Roll."

I felt so guilty,
I gave the ribbon back.

And how did that
make you feel?


I worked really hard
on that project.

I stayed up all night singing
the clown's aria from Pagliacci

to a lima bean sprout.

Go on.

It wasn't my fault.

I had never seen
my brother's project.

And my mother could've
told me before

instead of at the ceremony
in front of everyone.

So, I hear you saying

you're angry
with your mother.

Damn right, I'm angry
with my mother.


For God's sake,
I was eight years old.

She humiliated me.

That's when the bed-wetting
started again.

Thank you, Leonard.

For what?

If someone as damaged as you

can find his way to crawl
out of bed each morning,

I think I can face
a simple award ceremony.

Wait, that's it?

I thought we had a whole hour!

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Dr. Leonard

and it is my very great honor
to introduce the winner

of this year's Chancellor's
award for Science

and my good friend,
Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

But before I do,

I'd like to share with you a
letter from Sheldon's mother,

who couldn't be here tonight.

Isn't that nice?

His mother sent him a letter.

She's proud of him.

I wonder what that feels like.


"Dear Shelly."

That's what she calls him.

Shelly-- it's a pet name.

You know what my mother's
pet name for me is?


But I digress.

"Dear Shelly..."

Oh, dear.

What's the matter?

I'm getting dizzy.

Don't worry.

You're surrounded by your C-Men.

I can't do this.

I'm going to faint.

Here, drink this.

It'll relax you.


I don't drink alcohol.

Fine, faint.

I don't feel different.

This alcohol is defective.

Here, see if
this one works.

First of all,

the projects
were totally different.

I was showing

that classical music nurtures
lima beans

and makes them grow,
but my mother

didn't hear me.

If you'd like to look
at the relationship

between nurturing and growth,
I'd like to point out

that my brother is
eight inches taller than me.

SHELDON (singsongy):
I'm ready.



Ladies and gentlemen,
our guest of honor

Dr. Sheldon


Thanks, shorty,
I'll take it from here.

All right, you people ready
to have some fun?

You have a basic

of differential calculus

and at least one year
of algebraic topology?

Well, then here come the jokes.

Why did the chicken
cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side--

All right, a neutron walks
into a bar and asks,

"How much for a drink?"

The bartender says,
"For you, no charge."


I know you're out there.

I can hear you
metabolizing oxygen

and expelling carbon dioxide.

Looks like we have some academic
dignitaries in the audience.

Dr. Randall
from the geology department--

only man who's happy when they
take his work for granite.

Ba-da cha!

I kid the geologists,
of course,

but it's only 'cause I have
no respect for the field.

Let's get serious for a moment.

Why are we all here?

'Cause we're scientists.

And what do scientists study?

The universe.

And what's the
universe made of?

I am so glad you asked.

♪ There's antimony ♪

♪ Arsenic, aluminum,
selenium ♪

♪ And hydrogen and oxygen
and nitrogen and rhenium ♪

♪ And nickel, neodymium,
neptunium, germanium ♪


♪ And iron,
americium ♪

♪ Ruthenium, uranium,
europium, zirconium, ♪

♪ Lutetium, vanadium ♪

Just the Asians!

♪ And lanthanum
and osmium ♪

♪ And astatine and radium... ♪

Penny, Leonard.

Would you be able
to answer some questions

I'm having about
the events of last night?


Question one...

where are my pants?

You might want
to check YouTube.

What do I search?

It's already loaded.
Just hit play.

SHELDON (on video):
All right, people, let's
get down to the math.

It is only
three dimensional thinking

that limits our imagination.

Can I take my pants
off over my head?

Of course not.

My body's in the way.

But if we had access
to higher dimensions,

we could move our pants
around our bodies

through the fourth dimension

and our days of dropping
trousers would be over.

Oh, Lord...

This couldn't be
any more humiliating.

Give it a minute.

Now, for the astronomers

in the audience,
get ready to see

the dark side of the moon.

And here's Uranus.