The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 12, Episode 9 - Episode #12.9 - full transcript

Sheldon, do you want to put
the tables after each section

or in an appendix
at the end?

You know what?
We wrote this paper together.

I think we should
decide together

that they go in an appendix
at the end.

How about that?
There is an "I" in "team."

- Look at what we made.
- I know.

It really is the best
of both of us.

It's got my math
and your sassy takedown

of the fundamental nature
of symmetry.

It's got my bottomless
intellectual curiosity

and your petulant refusal

to spell "gray" with an "a"
like an American.

You realize we still have
a lot of work to do

before we can publish.

Perhaps we should
divide and conquer.

Now, you track down
all the citations

and properly note them
in our bibliography,

and I will roll up
my sleeves

and decide what font
we want to use.

Sheldon, there are hundreds
of citations to track down.

And thousands of fonts, but
you don't hear me complaining.

I am not gonna
spend weeks

in a library
looking up old papers.

Can't we hire
a grad student to do it?

Yeah, a grad student?

I am not trusting
our unpublished paper

to some millennial.

They'll put unicorn emojis on it

and then post it
on social media.

Why would they do that?

Economic anxiety, too much
avocado toast, who cares?

Look, the point is, we can't
afford to have this paper leaked

before we're ready to publish.

That's how you kiss
the Nobel Prize good-bye

instead of hello
as I intend to do.

I assume you mean

Absolutely not. If the King
of Sweden hands me a medal,

I intend to smear it with Purell
and then kiss it.

But what if we ask one
of our friends to help us out?

How about Leonard?

Gee, I don't know.
Can we trust him?

He's your best friend
in the whole world.

Yes, but he's
always struck me

as the guy in
the plane crash

who doesn't wait until you're
all the way dead to eat you.

I think
you can trust him.

Oh, Amy, you never lose
that childlike innocence.

Leonard, I need
to tell you something.

I'm having an affair.


You have to swear
not to tell anybody.


You are the only one
who knows.

Uh, well, you and Rita,
the cafeteria lady

who has been giving me
more than Tater Tots.

Hey, Sheldon.

Not a word.

What did he want?

Oh, nothing. He just concocted
some stupid test

to see if I can keep a secret.

Ooh, what's
the secret?

I'm not gonna tell you that.

The test is stupid,
but I still want to pass.

♪ The Big Bang Theory 12x09 ♪
The Citation Negation
Original Air Date on November 15, 2018

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Congratulations, Leonard, you
passed my secret loyalty test.

The truth is, I was
never having an affair

with the
cafeteria lady.

There's only one woman who
gets to touch my no-no parts,

and she's right here.

- Sheldon.
- No, no.

Well, I am shocked,

because I totally believed
that the woman you reported

for being stingy with the peas
couldn't keep her hands off you.

Well, I am a little hurt
that you weren't gonna tell me

my husband was having an affair.
I thought we were friends.

I didn't really believe him.

Why not? You don't think
other women find him attractive?


I suppose you're wondering why
I put you through all this.

You mean the last two minutes
or the last 20 years?

We need to ask you
a big favor.

Well, you've certainly
gone about it the right way.

You know we're almost
finished with our paper;

we just need help
tracking down the citations.

That's busywork. Can't you just
get a grad student to do it?

No, this paper is
incredibly important to us,

and we need someone
we can trust.

Please, it would
mean a lot.

Y-You know what? Sure.

The three of us in the library
looking up old papers--

that actually
could be kind of fun.

Oh, no, we
won't be there.

It just got more fun.

Bam, took him out.

Now I'm doing a victory
dance to celebrate.

Where are you?

About to shoot
some dancing jackass.


And now I'm doing
a victory dance.

What you playing?


A bunch of people parachute
onto an island

and fight it out to be
the last man standing.

Like Hunger Games?

More like Bachelor in Paradise,

but not as cutthroat.

Sounds fun. Can I play?

I don't know if you'd like it.
It's kind of for gamers.

Hey, I'm a gamer.
I play Candy Crush, Bejeweled,

and Sesame Street
Letter School,

which I beat our daughter at
every single time.

All right, give it a shot.

This one's how you move,
this is how you shoot.

"A" jumps, "B" puts
you into build mode.

And depending on what
you want to build,

you can use LB, RB,
LT, or RT.

Just put me in,
I'll figure it out.

Oh, sounds like me
on our honeymoon.

Okay, you're
skydiving down.

You're almost
to the ground.

Now, when you land,
you're gonna want...

Okay, you're dead.

Wait, that's it?
That wasn't fun at all.

Oh, now it sounds like
you on our honeymoon.

Thanks for helping with this.

What are friends for?

My friend sent me down to this
basement to do his grunt work,

so I wouldn't know.

Hey, probably shouldn't
say anything,

but did you hear about
Sheldon and the lunch lady?

Yeah, uh, that's not true.

That's just something
Sheldon made up to test us.

I wish I'd known that
before I called her a floozy

in front of
the whole lunch line.

This is a list of the papers
we need to pull.

Why don't we split up?
You take half, I take half.

I don't know, it's pretty
creepy down here.

Maybe we should
stay together.

Come on, Raj,
it's just a library.

You could say that
about anything.

It's just a cemetery.
It's just a haunted house.

It's just a portal to hell.

F-Fine, how about we split up

but we stay in constant
communication with each other?

Yeah, thank you.


- Still here.
- Okay.

- Leonard?
- Still here.




Oh, God!

Too much dust.

Hey, ready for lunch?

Hang on.

Really, video games?

Is this some sort of
Freaky Friday thing

where you're actually Howard?

Please, if I were Howard,
I'd be doing this.

You know what? He's not wrong.

All right, great,
can we go?

In a minute. I want to show
Howard I can play this game.

You know, you make
a lot more money than he does.

Can't you just rub
his nose in that?

I can, but I want
to rub his nose in this.

Ugh, damn it,
why can't I hit anybody?

Here, let me try.

Lots of luck--
it's way harder than it looks.

Got him.

Okay, this citation
is correct. How you doing?

Pretty good. I'm just
looking through

"The Effect of High Energy Muons
on Proton Pion Scattering

at the National Accelerator..."


Hey, should we take
a break?

No, this actually
makes it more exciting.

We have to get through all of
this before I run out of this.

It's like the movie Speed,
but instead of a bus,

it's your lungs.

And instead of Sandra Bullock,
it has sadness.

Why did you pull
this Russian paper?

Oh, it was cited
in this paper over here,

so I thought
we should check it out.

Mm, it's not

Maybe we should talk to Howard;
his Russian's pretty good.

We don't need Howard.
I've got Google Translate.

Okay, here we go,

from Russian to English.

"Examinations of moose chowder
in lemon parachutes."

Yeah, okay, now I know why
this app is free.

Oh, gosh, my Russian's
a little rusty.

If it helps, this word
may be "moose."


This paper is called

"Examinations of a

Super-Asymmetric Model
of the Universe"

by Dr. Vasily

W-Wait, so Amy
and Sheldon

weren't the first
to think of super-asymmetry?

No, doesn't look like it.
This is from 1978.

Okay, well, they might need
to rename their theory

"The Cooper-Fowler
Gregora-poli-popivich Theory."

Kind of rolls right off
your tongue, doesn't it?

Sheldon is not gonna be
happy about this.

Well, he's gonna be less happy
about this, uh...

"The super-asymmetric model

"is inherently flawed

and does not bear the weight
of further examination." Hmm.

So this disproves their theory?

Sounds like it.

Oh, how are we gonna tell him?

That's easy. Just go up to him
and say, "Sheldon,

Raj has something to tell you."

Why do I have to tell him?

You did find it.

I fou-- but he's the one
who translated it.

Okay, okay, h-how about this?
We all tell him.

Or even better: you tell him.

Yeah, that makes the most sense.

You guys are such cowards.

Yes, we are.

Hey, Denise. Is Stuart here?

Oh, no. Doctor's appointment.

Oh, is he okay?

Not since I've known him.

Which brings up
an interesting question.

You and Stuart. Why?

I don't know.
My parents owned a funeral home.

Read into that what you will.

What can I help you with?

I was hoping Stuart could show
me how to play Fortnite.

- Mm, I can teach you.
- Really, you good?

Look at my skin. I haven't been
outside in six years.

So you'll coach me?

Sure. Now let me ask
you a question.

Howard. Why?

You got eyes--
what do you think?

Wow, I really wish
I didn't see this.

Oh, hey.

I just need to give Sheldon
some bad news,

and I really don't want to.

- Oh, my God. Is everything okay?
- No, I-I found a paper

that proves their theory wrong.

They thought this was gonna
be their Nobel Prize.

It's gonna break his heart.

Oh, man. Maybe leave
an anonymous note, you know,

like in high school,
when you want to let

your best friend know that
her boyfriend's cheating on her.

Why wouldn't
you just tell her that?

I don't know.
Maybe you had a hickey.

I-Isn't it better
to get bad news from a friend?

Trust me, it's not.

I went to prom
with a hickey and a black eye.

Come on, knock on the door.
You can do this.

All right, a-all right,
here I go.

Oh, wait, just let me
get inside.


"Why"? Come on.

Oh, hey, Leonard.

Is the podcast too loud?

I didn't hear a podcast.

I told you no one could hear it.

Well, I heard Ira Glass,
so he's either in your earbuds

or clinging to the ceiling
like a gecko.

Actually, I-I need to talk to
both of you about your paper.

Oh, right,
how are the citations coming?

Well, Raj and I were
chasing them down

like you asked us to, and, um,

we came a-across a,

a Russian paper that seems
to disprove super-asymmetry.

Are you sure?

Yeah, uh, Howard translated it.

I'm so sorry.

are you, are you all right?

Oh, yes, of course.

Thank you for telling us,

I'm sure that wasn't easy.

I guess we don't need
this anymore.

So what are you listening to,
This American Life?

Okay, so walk up to
that chest and push X.

X. Push X.

Which one's X?

The one with the X on it.

Take it easy,
I'm new at this.

What, the alphabet?

You don't have to be snarky.

Hey, do you want
to play the game,

or do you want to crawl back up

your mommy's shirt
and chow down like a baby?

Damn, what is wrong with you?

I'm sorry, I thought you
wanted to beat your husband.

- I do.
- Well, then suck it up!



Can I do anything?


I can make you some tea,
I-I could sing "Soft Kitty."

I don't understand how
you're not more upset by this.

This is your paper, too.

I am upset, Sheldon.

I'm just trying to hold
it together for you.

Like when that goose wouldn't
leave us alone at brunch.

That thing scared you, too?

Well, of course it did.
I was wearing a down jacket.

Well, I don't need you
to pretend to be okay for me.

If anything,
that makes it worse.

Fine. I'm not okay.

We came up with this idea
at our wedding.

We poured months
of our lives into it.

I thought we were changing
the course of science,

and now it's all gone.
I'm devastated.

I was wrong,
that makes it worse.

Go back to being happy.

Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You, uh, playing that,
what's it called again?


- Fortnite.
- Right.

I guess I forgot 'cause I only
played it that one time

and I was so bad at it.

Don't beat yourself up.
It's a hard game.

Would you mind if I gave it
another shot?

Mm, maybe later, Berna...

Give me.

Where are you, Howard,
where are you?

Let me just build a little ramp,
get some height.

You want to press B to go into
build-- oh, you already did it.

Did I? I'm just hitting buttons.


I see your ramp.
I'm coming for you.

You can try, but...


Son of a bitch.

Want to play again?


- Howard.
- What?

I make more money than you.

You got yourself
a good one there, buddy.

So neither of them
showed up for work today?

No, I tried calling
and no one picked up.

Look, I'm sure
they're fine.

They were probably up all night
coming up with a new theory.

I-I also texted to see
if he wanted to go to the new

Fantastic Beasts movie
and he didn't respond.

All right, well, they're already
dead. There's nothing we can do.

Come in.


You guys look all comfy.
Did-did you take the day off?

It's Saturday.

No, it's not.

Great, another thing
we're wrong about.

How many does
that make, Amy?


Two things.

What happened to us?

I'll tell you what happened.

Professor Gregoropovich.

I-I think it's
Gregora-poli-popivich, but...


Look, you guys, you had a,
you had a setback, you know?

This is the time you got to
dig in and-and try harder.

It's like halftime
and you're down by seven.

What are you doing?

All right,
it's-it's like

Bat-halftime and you're down
by Bat-seven.

Let me try.

You-you guys can't just give up.

Uh, individually, you are
the smartest people I know.

Together, you can do anything.

I appreciate what you're trying
to do but please stop.

You can't make this better.

- All right, Amy, listen...
- I'm with Sheldon.

We worked our butts off
on this paper

and it was all for nothing.

And if you think
some pep talk can fix that,

then you don't understand
how much this meant to us.

Is there anything we can do?


Yeah-- wait.

Do I smell Siam Palace?

Oh, yeah, it's our dinner.

I mean, it's your dinner.

Any mango sticky rice?


And the blows keep coming.

I see you. I see you...

and boom.

Gotcha! How's it feel, Penny?

Like I don't care at all.

Wrong, it feels bad because
you lost and I won.

Whoo! What a rush!

All right, can we go eat now?

- Hell yeah.
- All right.

Hey, how's it going?


Okay, I'm-I'm gonna drive.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==