The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 12, Episode 8 - The Consummation Deviation - full transcript

Hey, you guys have any
plans for Valentine's Day?

Three months from now? No.

- What? No?
- I mean,

secret romantic plans that
would be ruined if I told you.


What's going on, Raj?

Well, how would
you guys feel

about going to India
for my wedding?

Oh, that's so exciting!

Penny, you will never guess
what I have planned

for Valentine's Day.
- Uh-huh.

Can I feed peanuts to
the elephants at your wedding?

- That is such a stereotype!
- There won't be any elephants?

Of course there'll be elephants.

It's a stereotype
that you feed them peanuts.

Are you really gonna plan
a wedding in three months?

Yeah, well, her family's
doing most of the work.

They're amazing.
We talk all the time.


Because we're
about to get married

and they're gonna be my family.

Amy and I are married, and
I never talk to her family.

Really? My parents
love Leonard.

Yeah. And my mom loves
Penny, which is weird,

because I never
knew she could love.

And my dad has grown
to really...

like Howard.

Yeah, there's a nice...
coolness between us.

Hey, guys,
before Anu gets here,

can I talk about
the seating situation?

I really don't want her
to sit on the floor.

Oh. No problem.
Bernadette, floor.

- Hey!
- Yeah, you can't make my wife

sit on the floor.
- Fine.

Howard, floor.

Fine, I'll sit on the floor.

Thank you, Penny.
And, Leonard,

I was kind of hoping
I could sit next to Anu.

So now I have to sit on the floor?
It's my house.

Why can't Sheldon
sit on the floor?

That might be the dumbest thing
you've ever said.

Guys, guys,

there's a simple solution.

I am not breaking up with her.

All right. Let's
keep thinking.

Hey, everybody, it's Anu.


Hi! Welcome!

♪ The Big Bang Theory 12x08 ♪
The Consummation Deviation
Original Air Date on November 8, 2018

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Oh, I am stuffed!

I should not have eaten
all those dumplings.

I think we should have sex.

Me, too.

Yeah, it's just,
we haven't done it yet,

and I think it's important

to make sure we're compatible
before we get married.

I totally agree.

Oh, just one question.

While we're doing it,
can I leave my shirt on?

You know, the dumplings,
pretty salty.

It doesn't have
to be tonight.

How about this weekend?

I can get us a room
at my hotel.

Okay. Sounds nice.

We can order
a bunch of room service,

because I'm not eating anything
between now and then.

Aw. Are you worried?

I am not worried.

If anything, I'm overconfident.

Edging into smug.

I'm sure it's
gonna be fine.

Oh, it's gonna be
better than fine.

Trust me,
I've had no complaints.

Good to know.

Well, I've had
questions, comments,

some constructive criticism,

but... no complaints.

You're up early.

Huh? Yes. I wanted
to get a jump

on planning
a day of fun for you.

Oh, that's sweet.
What are we doing?

Oh, no. Just you.
I have other plans.

Now, would you prefer
to see The Grinch in 2-D or 3-D?

I don't want to see it at all.

Well, let's go 2-D. No sense
in spending extra money.

What are you
gonna be doing?

Being a great husband.

Yeah, you're gonna need
to show your work on that.

After last night,
I got to thinking

that I should have a better
relationship with your family.

I think the one you have
with them is perfect.

I hardly have one at all.

Which is perfect.

Oh, Amy, they're
important to you,

and you're
important to me.

Therefore, according to
the transitive property,

they're important to me.
It's the same reason

I'm interested
in your big, flat feet.

Well, you know
that my mom can be...

well, difficult to get along with.
- Which is why

I'm starting with your dad
and working my way up.

All right.
I'm just worried

you might have
a rather unpleasant day.

Yeah, back at ya.
I watched the trailer

for The Grinch--
it looks terrible.

- Hi, Sheldon.
- Oh, good. You're right on time.

- Hi, Daddy.
- Hey, pumpkin.

Pumpkin? I've been
calling her spaghetti squash.

It's amazing
that one woman

can be different vegetables
to different men.



So, how does this work
with in-laws?

Am I supposed
to be calling you Dad?

Because I don't want to.

- You don't have to.
- Oh, thanks, Larry.

Ooh. That doesn't
sound right.

Maybe I should pick
a vegetable for you.

Hey, Leonard, can you pause
the game for a second?

- Uh, hang on.
- I'm about to beat Howard.

What? Hey!


He's our friend.

What's up, pal?

I... I don't know
how else to say this,

but, um, Anu and I are going
to have sex tonight.


Do you know how creepy
that sounds?


So, is this the first time?


- How you feeling about it?
- Uh...

to be honest,
I'm pretty anxious.

I mean, this is the woman I'm
marrying-- what if it's no good?

Do we break up?
Do we...

sign on for a lifetime
of mediocre sex?

Just don't put
so much pressure on it.

It's always a little awkward
in the beginning.

I remember the first time
I slept with Penny.

It was bad?

Oh, it was awesome!

I will replay it in my head
until the day I die.

Well, if it helps,
I was really nervous

my first time with Bernie.

Mostly because I was worried
my mom would walk in.

Did she?

Yea-- Yeah.

I'll tell you one thing.

Lock the door.

Yeah, Raj, you're
gonna be fine.

Just break out some
of your Kama Sutra moves.

I don't really know
any of that stuff.

I just pretend I do
to impress women.

And by the way,

Anu is Indian--
she's gonna know

there's no sexual position
called a "screeching lotus."

Screeching lotus?

Sometimes I get leg cramps.
It's my cover story.

Look, she's probably
nervous, too.

Yeah, what if you're great
and she's bad?

How can she be bad?

Raj, women can be
bad at sex, too.

No, that's silly.

Hey, have you checked
the dates on these?

They're all expired.

You buy candy in a comic book
store, you get what you get.

It's called
Lethal Weapon,

but isn't that

Aren't weapons,
by their very nature, lethal?

I suppose you're right.

Yeah, and don't even get me
started on Unsolved Mysteries.

I didn't get you started
on Lethal Weapon.

All right, this is another one
of my favorite places,

the comic book store.
Feel free to look around.

Vintage comics in back,
vintage candy right here.

What are you guys up to?

Oh, father-in-law, son-in-law bonding.
It's going great.

Look at what he bought me
at the train store.

Yeah, it sounded louder
in the car.

Cool. Can I see it?

Hmm? Sure.

Oh. Interesting.

I think this is one of those
disappearing whistles.

What are you
talking about?



Where did it go?

Look in your pocket.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, how did you do that?

Sorry, a magician
never shares his secrets.

I'll give you
a hundred bucks.




- Where's my wallet?
- Voilà!

Hey, Penny.
I need your help.

I am freaking out.

Okay, is she there yet?

No, I got here first.
You know...

get the lay of the land.

Raj, it's gonna be okay.
Look, sex isn't

the most important thing
in a relationship.

My first time with Leonard
was nothing to write home about.


Yeah, but, you know,
over time it got better.

S-So practice makes perfect?

Well, practice makes better.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, she just
texted. She's on her way up!

Raj, calm down.
You got this.

Yes. Thank you, thank you.
I got this.

Just remember, the most
important thing is to have fun.

Stop putting
so much pressure on me!


Everything okay?

Why are you acting
so weird?

Raj? What's going on?

Be right out!
You look beautiful!

Sorry, I had to use
the facilities.

With a bottle of champagne?

Mm, I like to celebrate
the little things in life.

You need to go?
There's still some left.

Raj, what is going on?

No, no, it's not
what's going on,

it's what's comin' off.

Stop it.

You're acting weird,
and it's freaking me out.

Why? Because I couldn't talk
and ran in the bathroom

to slug back a
bottle of champagne

when I pretended to pee?

Okay, I think I'm gonna leave.

No, no, wait, wait,
don't-- okay, don't go.

Fine. Then tell me
what's going on.

Well, funny story...

The truth.

Oh, God, the truth is
so not good for me!


Darn it.

It's okay.

Here, let me
show you again.

It's like you're
actually magic.

You can do that but you still
can't get my bra off.

The rings don't roll
their eyes at me.

Excuse me, Turnip,
we need to get going.

But-but Howard was gonna show me
some close-up magic.

Well, if you want
to see real magic,

I'll take you
to Union Station,

home to trains, subways
and busses that,

every half hour-- voilà--
drive to the airport.

I'd like to stay,
if you don't mind.

Oh, not at all.

Howard. A word.

What's up?

- I need you to stop being so delightful.
- What?

I'm supposed to be
bonding with him.

You have your own father-in-law;
leave mine alone.

Tell you what, you take my
father-in-law, I'll take yours.

I don't want
your father-in-law.

What if I throw in
a quarter?

Do it again.
Do it again.

Mrs. Fowler.
Mrs. Fowler.

Mrs. Fowler.

Sheldon, what's going on?

Where is Larry?

Oh, Turnip's out;
I'm bonding with you.

Okay, you wanted the truth,
here it is.

You have a drinking problem.

No. I, uh,
I have a talking problem,

and a drinking solution.

What does that mean?

Oh, Anu, for
most of my life,

I got so nervous
around women

that I couldn't talk
to them without alcohol.

So you've been drunk every time
we've seen each other?

No. No. It hasn't
happened in a long time.

And I really thought
I was over it,

but I guess...
I-I don't know,

I guess I-I wanted so much
for tonight to go well,

that I-I stressed
myself out.

It came back.

Why didn't you tell me
about this before?

I was embarrassed.

I get that.

If it makes you
feel any better,

I've got things
I'm embarrassed about, too.

Really? Will you
tell me one?

Okay. Um...

Ugh. I hate
telling people this.

I don't like music.

What kind of music?

Just all of it.

It sort of seems
like a waste of time.

Even Beyoncé?

See, this is why
I don't tell people.

No. Um, it's fine.
It's just,

have you heard
"Single Ladies"?

Yeah, and I don't get it.

I mean, the lyrics are
"Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh."

Y-You have to sing it in
the voice of a goddess.

Like: ♪ Oh, wa-ah, oh ♪

♪ Wa-ah, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Wa-ah, oh. ♪

My point is, we both have
our little eccentricities.

Little eccentricities?

One is a deep-seated
psychological disturbance,

and the other can be solved by
half a glass of chardonnay.

So the doctor prescribed Nizoral
and it blocked enzyme action,

and the fungus
cleared right up.

That's a very
disturbing picture.

Yes, well, they say a picture's
worth a thousand words,

but I say nothing beats a
picture and a thousand words.

Still, you might want
to take it off Facebook.

Oh, no. It's in my nature
to share.

So, your turn.

Uh, other than Amy,

have you every had anything
removed from your body?

I am not going to answer that.

Smart. Save something for
our next get-together.

Oh, we should commemorate
this one with a selfie.

Oh, look at us,
two peas in a pod.

Oh, speaking of vegetables,

how about I start calling you
Old Lady Green Beans?

Hey, you look
deep in thought.

- Ah, I'm just reflecting.
- About what?

The first time
we slept together.

Oh, honey. Don't beat
yourself up; it's great now.

This is not good.

Sheldon is hanging out
with my mom.

Yeah. O-One sec.

W-What do you mean,
"don't beat myself up"?

Guys, focus.

My mom thinks
that Sheldon is the reason

I don't spend a lot of time
with her.

Well, why would
she think that?

Because I told her.

You need a cup of coffee?
Wake up!

So you've been using Sheldon
as an excuse

to get out of
seeing your mother?

I know.

I feel terrible.

I love my mom but,
you know, sometimes...

Yeah. We-We've met her. Yeah.

And it's easier to say
I can't spend time with her

because of Sheldon than to admit
that I just, I don't want to.

Totally understandable.

I'll ask again,
what do you mean,

"don't beat myself up"?

And then you ask me 20
questions to try to determine

which Nobel Prize-winning
physicist I am.

Ready? Go.

Can I give up?

No. 19 questions left.

Are you gonna get that?

Oh, no. We're in the
middle of a game.

18 questions left.

Answer the phone,

Hello, Amy.

Hey, how's it going?

Well, Howard lured your dad away
with magic,

so now I'm bonding
with your mom.

I think she likes me.

I'd like you a lot better

if you weren't keeping
my daughter away from me.

Uh, wh-- Hang on, Amy.

What's the problem,
Green Beans?

Amy said she couldn't come
to Thanksgiving dinner

because you always have
to spend it with your mother.

I haven't spent Thanksgiving
with my mother in years.

Amy, why would you tell
your mother

that I spend Thanksgiving
with my mother?

Uh, no time
to talk about that now.

All your action figures
are on fire.

Harrison Ford's in the lobby.
Come quick.

And Amy never joins us
for Sunday dinners

because you refuse to go out
on a school night.

Sh-- I can go out
on a school night

as long as I'm in
my PJs by 10:00.

Sheldon, don't listen to her.

She doesn't know
what she's talking about.

She's crazy!

Hello, Amy.

Hello, Mother.

Great news. We-we can come
for Thanksgiving this year.

I can't believe it.

All this time
I've been angry at you

when I should have
been angry at Amy.

Look at that.
We're both angry at Amy.

Maybe that's something
we could bond over.

Let me ask you this:

how do you feel about Howard?

Oh, is he that odd little friend
you have with the haircut?

I may have married
the wrong Fowler.

Why would Amy feel
the need to lie to me?

Well, perhaps because
you're her mother

and she didn't want
to disappoint you.


Even after she threw you
under the bus,

you're still
gonna defend her.

Oh, yes.

She's my wife
and I love her.

And if I can forgive her for
putting ketchup on her eggs,

I can forgive her for this.

Her father does that,
it's disgusting.

Amy's crazy,
you are a delight.

Good morning.

Mm. Good morning.

I ordered some coffee for us.

Oh, fantastic.

Last night was...


But all we
did was talk.

Yeah. And it was wonderful.

Am I safe to assume
you talking to me now

is a good sign
for our marriage?

and-and for my liver.

Hey, about the other thing.


Should we just wait
for another night?

Or I go take a shower,

and you decide how
you want to play this.

Take a shower with me, Raj.

Thank you, Amy.

It's so nice of you
to have us over for dinner.

Couldn't think
of a single reason not to.

Yeah, and boy,
did she try.

Thank you, honey.

Oh, you're welcome, dear.

Would anyone like to see the
magic trick Howard taught me?

I'd love to see your trick,

A perfectly ordinary
table knife.

Watch closely.


Oh, my gosh,
that was so good.

Well, look,
there's fake blood, too.

I'll be right back.

I don't know about you,
but I don't really like magic.

You just keep getting
better and better.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==