The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 12, Episode 18 - Episode #12.18 - full transcript

Peviously, on
"The Big Bang Theory"...

We just published
a few months ago.

How did you have time
to design an experiment?

This whole thing is
actually a gigantic accident.

You weren't even thinking
about super-asymmetry?

Thinking about it?

- We don't even understand it.
- (both laugh)

Uh, can you believe this?

Doctors Pemberton and
Campbell have been doing

a press tour trying to take
credit for super-asymmetry.

So what? I mean, no one's
gonna give them credit

for accidentally
discovering something.

Yeah, who remembers the guy

who was trying to find India

and discovered America instead?

What was his name again?

Now stop trying to steal
our Nobel Prize.

You come up
with your own idea.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

ELLEN (over TV): Have a seat,
thanks for being here.

I feel the same way about you.

This is nice.

All my friends hanging out,
watching Ellen.

It's like, what am I gonna do
with my other two wishes?

It's not nice.
She's having on the scientists

who are trying to steal
our Nobel Prize.

Although I will enjoy
watching her expose

Pemberton and Campbell

for the coattail-riding
frauds that they are.

That is Ellen's brand,
gotcha journalism.

Yeah, you should've
seen her take down

John Krasinski last week.

Got him to admit he loved
his wife. It was brutal.

All right, our next guests

are a couple of physicists...
Don't turn the channel.

They've been doing
some viral videos online

about what it's like to be in
the running for a Nobel Prize.

Please welcome
Doctors Greg Pemberton

and Kevin Campbell.

(cheering, applause)

Why does she even want
to have scientists on?

Uh, silly question.
Who else will give her audience

causal explanations of
natural phenomena?

I love you, honey, but think.

So you guys

have discovered something
pretty amazing in the universe.

Obviously, I understand, uh,
high-level physics

because I'm a comedian, but...

...can you explain it
to the audience?

Well, I don't know, I'm not
sure we're even smart enough

to understand it.

Look, look, the audience is
laughing at them. It's starting.

I hate to say it, Sheldon, but
I think the audience likes them.

Well, that will all change
when Ellen asks them

how super-asymmetry explains the
cosmological excess of matter

over anti-matter
and they panic,

like Leonard trying
to do a pull-up.

Hey, what'd I do?

Not a pull-up.

People have been
loving your videos,

especially the-the songs
that you've been posting.

- Oh, thanks.
- Thank you.

Uh, this may be pushing
it, but I have to ask.

Would you mind singing one
of those for us right now?

- Oh, why not?
- All right.

Come on, Ellen, they're right there.
Go for the jugular.

♪ Let's get physicist,
physicist ♪

♪ I want to get physicist ♪

♪ Let's get into physicist ♪

♪ Let me hear your boson talk ♪

- Come on, Ellen.
- ♪ Let me hear your boson talk... ♪

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪
Season 12 Episode 18

Episode Title: "The Laureate Accumulation"
Sync corrections by srjanapala

Dr. Pemberton.

Dr. Campbell.

Doctors Pemberton and Campbell.

Morning, buddy.

I am not your buddy.

- What's wrong?
- I'll tell you what's wrong.

You went on TV
and were charming.

Thanks, man.
That's what my mom said.

W-Why don't you come in

- and have some parfait?
- Yeah,

we ordered it from room service;
it cost, like, 12 bucks.

It's just yogurt in a glass.

I don't want your yogurt.

Then what do you want?

I want you to hold
a press conference

where you admit that you blindly
stumbled into super-asymmetry

and it was really
our discovery.

Oh. No, thanks.

You know, just because we proved
something by accident

doesn't mean
we didn't prove it.

Yeah, I wasn't trying

to prove that my wife
was cheating on me

when I came home early
one Friday,

but I'm still sleeping
on his couch.

I told you,
you can do better than her.

Thanks. It just hurts.

And when you win that
Nobel Prize, she's gonna realize

that she was wrong,
you are not a fraud.

She is not wrong.

Wow, I can't believe
you're siding with Linda.

Shame on you.

Look at this.
They posted another video.

It's not even about science.

They're on a
celebrity bus tour.

Those are fun.
I-I went on one

and saw Tom Hanks talking
to his gardener.

He's even nice when you plant
the wrong color azaleas.

Those guys are good at
self-promoting, so what?

No one ever won a Nobel
for being nice.

Yeah, but if they did,

do you know who would win one?

Are you gonna say Tom Hanks?

He picked up a shovel
and helped the guy replant.

Dr. Cooper,

there you are. I just wanted
to tell you not to worry

about this Pemberton
and Campbell publicity blitz.

Are you worried?

Not at all.

Not even a little bit.

I-It doesn't matter

if they have popular support,

we're gonna get the scientific
community behind us.

He's right, the Nobel Prize
is about the work,

and as your fellow scientists,
we support you and Amy.

That's great, Scooby Gang.

Now, the university
is gonna host

a reception for you
and Dr. Fowler

where we invite as many
academic luminaries as we can,

uh, give them a chance to meet
you, hear about your work.

Uh, that's a great idea.
Uh, yeah.

Who needs to be likable
when you have Nobel Laureates

campaigning for you?

Oh, yeah... wait a minute.
Do you not think we're likable?

That's what's great about you,

you never stop asking
the tough questions.

(door closes)

Hey. Kids asleep?

Nope. I've been trying
to get them down for hours.

Apparently, Halley's afraid
of the dark now

and I can't turn on
the night-light

'cause it makes Michael cry.

Why doesn't he like
the night-light?

Jot that down,
we can ask him

as soon as he learns to speak.

We can also find out what's
so damn funny about birds.

(Halley fusses)

I'll go talk to her.

I don't know why she's suddenly
so afraid of everything.

Honey, remember,
she's my child, too.

WOLOWITZ (over monitor):
Hey, sweetie,

I heard you were afraid
of the dark.

I know someone else
who was afraid of the dark once.

Your daddy,
when he was in space.

(Wolowitz chuckles)

And just like you,
I was wearing a full diaper.

Hey, good news.

They're inviting several Nobel
Laureates to our reception.

Oh, great, like who?

Uh... Makoto Kobayashi.

Da... ooh.


Well, I may have been
less than kind to him

about his Nobel Prize win.


I was jealous, angry
and new to Twitter.

It was a dangerous combination.

Okay, so scratch Kobayashi.

Uh, George Smoot's on here.

(hisses, groans)

We have a history.

Saul Perlmutter?


What about Kip Thorne?

That was a misunderstanding.

I didn't know
he was right behind me.

So you've alienated everyone
we need to help us?

Well, Amy, if I had known
that someday we'd need them,

I would never
have insulted them.

- Well, that doesn't make it better.
- Oh.

Well, it's also not true.

(door opens, closes)


Oh, that's cute.

Did Halley draw that
at preschool?

I drew it.

Well, good night.

It's supposed to be
an astronaut.

And I'm supposed to be
living on my own at this age,

but here we are.

Halley was scared and Howard
told her the sweetest story

about when he was in space
and I thought I could turn it

into a book for her and Michael.

Oh, well, I mean,
I am an artist.

Uh, I-if you want,
I could do the drawings.

- Really? That'd be amazing.
- Yeah,

it'd be fun. And a,

a nice change of pace
from what I usually draw.

What do you usually draw?

Well, good night.

(device chimes)

- Someone texting you?
- Uh, no,

I just met my exercise
goal for the day.

By doing the dishes?

Hey, you have your goals,
I have mine.

- Hello.
- What are you two doing?

Mm, just finishing a workout.

What's up?

Do you have any cookie dough?

Uh, I think so.
Let me see.

Yeah, we've got, uh, chocolate
chip and oatmeal raisin.

Oatmeal raisin?

I know at least two things wrong
with that cookie.

It's for the Nobel Laureates.

We need them on our side,
but unfortunately, Sheldon...

No. "Unfortunately, Sheldon..."
that's all you got to say.

Well, that's... so you need
these people's support

and you're sending
them baked goods?

Yeah, they're pretty smart.

Don't you think they're gonna
realize it's just a bribe?

No, you'd think,
but sometimes brilliant people

can be painfully oblivious
to social cues.

Thank you for pointing
that out, Sheldon.


"Sheldon Cooper"? Hmm.

"Sheldon Cooper"?


"Sheldon Cooper." Aw.

Ugh, oatmeal raisin?


(phone chimes)

Oh, it's from Saul Perlmutter.

He sent me a picture.

Ooh, let me see.

Oh, he arranged the cookies
to spell out "thank you."

Sheldon, that word
isn't "thank."

Hi. I got you a surprise.

What... Oh. (chuckles)
What's the occasion?

I heard you tell Halley
that story the other night,

and I thought
it was so sweet

that Stuart and I
turned it into a book.

The Frightened
Little Astronaut?

That looks
just like you.

Look how tiny
and scared you look.

And the best part is,
Stuart showed it

to a publisher
friend of his,

and they're interested in it.

That is so cool.
Absolutely not.


Because I don't want
the whole world to know

I was the frightened
little astronaut!

Maybe you should've called it
The Bitchy Little Astronaut.

You want to tell me
what's going on?

Is my distress
that obvious?

Sheldon, please don't
take this the wrong way,

but when you're quiet
even for a second,

something's wrong.

Well, it's true.

The fact is, I feel
really bad for Amy.

Well, we all do.

But just for fun,
why do you?

Well, she didn't
do anything wrong,

but she's paying for my mistakes.


No... I'm just
honestly impressed.

When did you start caring
about other people's feelings?

Well, I laughed when Amy
got a shock from

the broken Christmas tree
lights, so it was after that.

So none of them are
coming to the reception?

I don't think so.

Okay, what did he say that was
so insulting? (sighs) Well,

he may have suggested there was

an inelegance to the quadrupole
normalization of Smoot's data.


See, sometimes I wish I could
invent a time machine,

so I could go back
and prevent myself

from acting so rashly.

Or moving forward, you could
think before you speak.

I suppose so.

But the time machine thing
is probably more likely.

My problem is that
I don't always know

when I've gone too far.

Well, uh, if you like,
I could try to help you out.

You know, and maybe let you know
if you're crossing a line.

Oh, you mean, like,
with a code word? Sure.

How's "shut up"?

That's perfect.
People say it to me all the time,

no one will suspect.

- Hey, got a minute?
- Sure. What's up?

Uh, Bernadette said

you weren't crazy
about the book.

No. (chuckles)
It's great.

I just don't want anyone
to ever see it

or read it or know it exists.

But this could be
really good for me,

you know? Finally get
my artwork published.

And-and come on,
it's a, it's a cute story.

Oh, easy for you
to say.

No one's gonna think
you're a coward.

Are you kidding?
The other day

in the comic book store,
a balloon popped and I threw up.

Can't you just
take my name off it?

No, uh, the only reason
the publisher's interested

is 'cause a real astronaut
wrote it.

Well, look, what if
we made a few changes?

Uh, sure, yes.

- What-what do you have in mind?
- Well, nothing major.

But see here on the
cover, where it says

"frightened little,"
what if, I don't know,

it didn't say that?

So, it would just be
The Astronaut?

Yeah, you're right.
That doesn't quite pop.

What about...
The Brave Astronaut?

See, that's got
some zip to it!


And here on this page,
where I'm crying.

What if, instead,
I'm... punching a meteor

into the sun with
my bare fists?

So you have superpowers?

I like the way
you're thinking.

Professor Thorne?

Dr. Hofstadter.

Uh, you know
my wife, Penny.

- Sure. Hi.
- PENNY: Hi.

(laughs) Uh, we wanted to
talk to you about Dr. Cooper.

Now, before you say no...


Well, then, after you say no.


Okay, look, Sheldon's
a pain in the ass.

But Dr. Fowler's
really nice.

So if you average
them out... math... got someone
who's okay.

(stammers) But more

than the person,
the Nobel is about the work.

You should understand that
more than anyone.

Yes, because of your work
on gravitational waves.

You know my work?

I do. But I'm-I'm really
hogging this conversation.

(clears throat)

Just give them a chance.

Uh, science has a history
of difficult people.

Look at, uh,
Newton, who was

a jerk to Leibniz, and Leibniz,
who was a jerk to everyone.

Yeah, you know, and I
don't need to tell you

that gravitational waves
are disturbances

in the curvature
of space-time.

Or that the... Hey, you worked
on the movie Interstellar?

So what do you think?

I think if you were in space

without a shirt on, you'd die.


No, I am wearing
a shirt.

It's just skintight,
so you can see my pecs.

When did you get pecs?

Yesterday, when I made
Stuart add them.

Howie, what I liked
about the other story

was that it was real.

I mean, nothing in this
actually happened to you.

So, it's a children's book.

I mean, cats
don't wear hats.

And if someone gives you
green eggs, it ends

with you on the toilet
trying to make a deal with God.

But the real story was so sweet.

The little astronaut
was afraid,

but he still went to space,
and that's what made him brave.

(scoffs) But in space,
the other astronauts...

made fun of him,
and that's a thing

he doesn't want to relive.

I get that.

I guess it would
just take a really

brave man to put an embarrassing
story like that

out into the world,
just so it might help

some frightened children
not feel so alone.

Wow. That is
quite the guilt trip.

Are you sure you're not Jewish?

I'm just a wife that is
so proud of her husband,

and doesn't think
that he has anything

- to be embarrassed about.
- Oh.

You're sounding
less and less Jewish.

Hey, we just heard that
you're the ones

who convinced
the Nobel Laureates to come.

- Thank you.
- You are welcome.

You guys deserve this.

Yeah, now get out of here,
go talk to some smart people.

- Wait a minute.
- Yeah, sorry. Sometimes I forget

you're smart because
you're so sexy.

I can see that.

Dr. Cooper.
Dr. Fowler.

I was just telling Professor
Arnold how you came up with

at your wedding.

It's a wonderful story.

Ha, it really is.

I wouldn't say it was the
highlight of the wedding,

because I've been
told not to

for reasons I don't
fully understand.

Uh, but what he does understand
is how the universe works,

and that's
what's important.

Not what comes out
of his mouth. (laughs)


I haven't been to a lot of
parties like this,

but what does a physics
rumble look like?

- Kind of like angry chickens.
- Hmm.

Or-or-or-or like, uh,
when-when puppets fight.

Dr. Cooper, Dr. Fowler,
good to see you.

What are you doing here?

Professor Smoot
invited us.

- We're Facebook friends.
- Smooty!

Well, this is our
reception, so go away.

Actually, Amy,

I think we should
let them stay.

Please, enjoy yourselves.

Try some pigs
in blankets.

And yes, that
is the plural.


What are you doing?

If they stay,
everyone will see

that their grasp
on super-asymmetry

is tenuous at best.

Oh. That's clever.

Yeah, I don't just know
the plurals of things, Amy.

Is this gonna be
a problem?

Mm? No, no, no.
We have a plan.

Uh, Dr. Campbell
and Pemberton,

settle a bet for
Dr. Fowler and me?

We were just discussing,
under what conditions

the radiative corrections
to super-asymmetry

could cause time
variation of alpha E.M.?

AMY: I say active galactic
nuclei at cosmological distances

show a part per
million deviation.

Dr. Cooper says

this has been disproven recently
with quasar observations.

What do you think?

I agree with you.

Good answer.

Hey, uh, if we haven't
said it before,

we just want to say...
thank you.

Yeah. We couldn't have proven
super-asymmetry without you.

Wait-wait. You all
heard them say it.

They didn't do anything.

Sheldon. Shut up.
Yeah... Well, that's rude.

No. Shut up.

Oh, the code
word, thank you.

You know, it's strange.
A few months ago,

nobody paid any attention to us,
and now all of a sudden,

we're getting all
these accolades.

Yeah, have-have any
of you ever felt like

maybe you didn't
deserve it?

Leonard, there's
something I need to say.

- Shut up.
- Okay.

It's crazy. We conclusively
proved super-asymmetry,

and yet somehow we,
we still feel like imposters.

There should be
a term for that.

Oh, for crying out loud,
there is a term for that!

It's called
"imposter syndrome"

and you don't have it!

Because you can't have it
if you are imposters,

and you are!

We're the ones

who discovered super-asymmetry!

So if anyone's
gonna feel like

they have
imposter syndrome,

it's us, because we're not
imposters! They are!

You're imposters
and you're frauds!

- Is that what I would've sounded like?
- Yeah.


A time,
there was a little astronaut

who was sitting in a rocket

- waiting to go to space."
- MAN (over radio): Three... two... one...

WOLOWITZ: And while all
the other astronauts

laughed and joked,
he stayed quiet,

because he had a secret.

He was scared.
He had another secret, too.

He was only pretending to be
scared to trick the alien king.




There was no alien.

There was a bossy wife, though.
We'll get to her later.

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