The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 12, Episode 17 - Episode #12.17 - full transcript

Previously on
The Big Bang Theory...

The drug I've been working on

for the past five years
just got approved by the FDA.

- Wow. - Oh.

Was that the decongestant
you developed?

No, we had to rebrand that as
a solvent for mining equipment.

It's her
anti-inflammatory drug.


Yep, three years of testing
and no reported side effects.

- Hmm, so it works.
- Eh.

Well, congratulations,
I'm so happy for you.

Yeah, well,
I'm happy for you

because I want you
to head up my sales team.

Really? Me? Don't you want
someone with more experience?

No, the job's all yours.

All right, now I'm sure
some of you are wondering,

"Who is this woman?

"How did she get to be in charge
of the sales team?

Is it because she's friends
with Dr. Rostenkowski?"

Because she is.

"Is it because she was
Miss Cornhusker 2001

and still fits
in those very same jeans?"

Because she was, and she does

and they're actually
a little baggy.

"And the absence of side effects
means that Inflaminex

"can be taken in conjunction
with other medications.

It's a brand-new day."

Such a good tagline, I forgot,
who came up with that?

- You did.
- That's right, I did.

Okay, I know it's late
and I've been

working you guys really hard,

so I have a little treat
for you.

- We get to go home?
- No.

You get to stay here
and get vitamin B12 shots.

Oh, my God.
You guys are still here?

We're happy to be here.
It's a brand-new day.

It's 12:15, it's literally
a brand-new day.

Everybody go home.

All right, fine.
Go, get out of here.

Go on.

I think things
are going pretty good.

Are you aware that Dave's
in the break room crying?

Yeah, I told him
if he's gonna be a crybaby,

go to the break room.

I just really want
to be prepared

for this conference.
- You're gonna do great.

You really think so?

Of course;
they're scared of you,

you're scared of me--
The system works.

♪ The Big Bang Theory 12x17 ♪
The Conference Valuation
Original Air Date on March 7, 2019

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Okay, Howie,
I'm going.

- Have a great conference.
- Thanks.

Remember, I'm leaving
you with two babies.

I expect to see two
babies when I get back,

and they better be the same
two babies because I'll know.

I think I'm capable
of babysitting.

Don't call it babysitting;
they're your children.

It's called parenting.

What's the difference?

You don't get paid.

Now, the emergency
contacts are on the fridge

and I left money for
food on the table.

Oh, sounds like I do get paid.

Don't worry.

I got this covered.

I know you do.

Quick question,
where are the kids right now?

They're upstairs.

- They're at daycare.
- They're at daycare?

- They're upstairs!
- Why are you messing with me?!

Wow. That's a lot of
luggage for a weekend.

I know.

I didn't know what to wear,
so I brought a few options.

Was one of the options the
option to never come back?

I just really want
this weekend to go well.

Doesn't answer my
question, but okay.

I love you.

I love you, too.

And you're gonna do great.

Just relax, stay out of your
head, and try to enjoy it.

Aw. That reminds me
of what I said to you

the first time
we slept together.

I still use it.

- It's a mantra.

Oh, thank goodness!

I caught you before you left.

I'm just going
for the weekend.

Just the weekend.

You all heard her say it.

So, your convention
is in San Diego, right?


Great. I need you to settle
a bet for Amy and me.

I say,
when it's not Comic-Con,

no one will be dressed
as superheroes.


And I say fewer people will
be dressed as superheroes

but still some.

A crazy person in a cape
doesn't count.

Mm, why not?
It counts at Comic-Con.

Also, if you get a chance
to sneak into Hall H,

last year, I left my neck
pillow under my seat.

Uh, third row,
second from the aisle.

I'll see what I can do.

Thank you.
At least there will be

one superhero in San Diego.

So, Leonard, what are you
gonna do while Penny's away?

I don't know.

Maybe watch a movie
with subtitles.

If you're looking for
something outside the norm,

I have invented
a new chess variant

where the bishops can
also move like knights.

What do you call that,
Bishops Be Crazy?

First of all,

it would be
"Bishops Are Crazy."

Not if you're being crazy.


Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Hello.

Where are the kids?

I thought they were with you.

- What? No! I...
- I'm kidding.

They're at daycare.

What about me makes you think
my heart can handle that joke?


You guys want to come hang out
at my place this weekend?

So we can help you babysit?

Uh, it's not babysitting.

They're my children.

They're not our children.

Oh. Well, for you guys,
then, it is babysitting.

No offense,

but I don't want
to spend my weekend

around your loud, sticky babies.

You can't insult my
kids. I am offended.

N-No, you can't be.
I said "no offense."

That's like "no backsies"
but for offense.

What do you say? We'll
play some board games.

It'll be like a party.

Three guys playing a board game

doesn't sound
like much of a party.

Someone doesn't
remember college very well.

As opposed to the leading
nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory,

our product

greatly reduces
the risk of ulcers.

So it won't burn a hole
in your stomach.

And it won't burn a hole
in your wallet, either!


I got this.

Thank you for stopping by.

It's a brand-new day!

- See? You're doing great.
- Yeah.

Mediocre actress,
great drug pusher.

Who knew?

Inflaminex, huh?

So what can you
tell me about it?

- Well, we...
- Oh, don't waste your time.

His name is Danny. He works for
one of the other drug companies.

Hey, nothing wrong with
checking out the competition.

Aw, we don't see you
as competition.

You should.

Our anti-inflammatory is hitting
the market this year, too.

Well, ours has zero
drug interaction risk.

Yeah. So does an Altoid.

Speaking of Altoids,

why don't you go get one?


Let's everyone calm down.

If you can't find
a pill for that here,

then you're not trying
hard enough.

It's all right.

I'll go.

I don't know what
it is about that guy,

but he just gets
on my nerves.

Well, you scared
the bad man away.

Who's a good girl?

They're still asleep.

Apparently, when
I put someone down for a nap,

they sleep hard.

That's a weird brag, Howard.

I'll get it.

Bernadette thinks I have poor
parenting skills.

Maybe she's basing that
on your poor husbanding skills.

Who can say?

I'm bad at a lot of things.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hey. I didn't think
you were coming.

Um, I changed my mind.

I thought it'd be fun to spend
some time with your children.

Where are the
little scamps?

- "Scamps"?
- I'm sorry.

Tykes. Rug rats.

What is the PC
term these days?

What's going on?

We were in the bookstore,
and I found this.

with Babies:

50 Amazing Science Projects
You Can Perform on Your Kid.

You can't experiment
on his kids.

Yeah, you're
not their father.

You can't experiment on my kids.

Fine. Can I at least
play a game with them?


How Developed
is Your Peripheral Vision?

Mine's great.
I saw that.

You know, these experiments
are pretty harmless.

There's one where you just put
the baby in front of a mirror

and you watch them
watch themselves.

That sounds adorable.
Let me see.

How come when she talks
about experiments on babies,

you think it's adorable,
but when I do it,

everyone gets upset?

I think I can speak
for all of us.

You're just creepy.

No offense.

Hey, this one we can do
with both Michael and Halley.

It's called Grabby Hands.

Wasn't that your nickname
in high school?

No, it was Mama's Boy.

But the joke was on them,
because I love my mom.

Guys, listen,

you secure them both
in car seats

and slowly spin a toy

at the end of the
string above them.

The younger baby
tends to reach

with either hand,

and the older baby prefers
the dominant hand.

That is kind of interesting.

And it's not really
experimenting on the kids.

It's more like experimenting
with the kids.

Well, I guess
if you think about it,

it's kind of like
playing games with them.

Okay, you know what,

when they wake up,
we can try one or two of these.


I said, "Yay!"

Thank you.
It's a brand-new day.

Wow, we got
a pretty good crowd here.

I know. But not
as big as that booth.

What's going on
over there?

Yeah, that's Chantix.

Ray Liotta's signing
autographs until 2:00.

Hey, I thought we weren't
supposed to have our phones

in the booth.

That's a "you" rule,
not a "me" rule.

Hey, can I help you?

Actually, I'm looking
for the bathroom.

Ah, yes. It's right next
to the laxative booth.

Clever, right?

So we meet again.

Oh, yeah. Uh, Danny, right?
How's your launch going?


Is Dr. Rostenkowski around?

No, she stepped out for a call,
although I wouldn't be surprised

if she's in line
to meet Ray Liotta.

Yeah. Something tells me
she's not crazy about me.

Yeah. Something tells me that,
too, and it was her.

Well, it doesn't matter, I was
actually hoping to talk to you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You've done a terrific job
with Inflaminex.

We're always on the lookout
for great salespeople.

I think we could make you happy.

Uh, thanks,
but I'm pretty happy.

- I could be more happy.
- Tell it to your shrink, Karen.

Hey, Howie, everything okay?

Yeah, everything's great.

I was just wondering if we had
any large barbecue tongs.

Uh, bottom left drawer.
Are you guys grilling?

Nope, just playing games
with the kids.

Why do you need tongs?

Love you, too, bye.

I-I bet Michael grabs it
before Halley.

Not a chance.

Halley's a year older, you know
she's gonna get it first.

I just think
he wants it more. Come on.

Come on, you got this.
You got this, Michael

Grab it. Grab it, Halley.
I believe in you.

Oh! That was so close.
Just keep on trying.

Hey. Hey, y-you guys want to
make this more interesting?

By establishing
a double-blind protocol

so we have a foundation
to publish? Yes.

Look, here's my card. Maybe we
can get a drink this weekend.

Oh, I don't know.
I'm pretty busy.

I have to inventory
all the giveaways.

Hey, beat it. Shoo.

So what did he want?

- Nothing.
- He offered her a job.

No one likes a tattletale,

So, what's up, traitor?

Dammit, Karen.

Okay, you want to engage
the babies.

The subjects.

- The babies.
- Fine. The babies.

Baby-A and Baby-B.

Engage them for a minute and
take note of their reactions.

There's something familiar
about all this.

Okay, go.

Hello, baby.

Are you having
a pleasant day?

Oh, my G--
This is my entire childhood.

Leonard, Leonard,
you're tainting my data.

Uh, it's like word for word.

How much time is left?
35 seconds.

Oh really?
He's not reacting at all.

Sheldon, he's a baby.

That's not how you talk
to him, okay? J-Just watch.



Who's your favorite uncle?

Unka Koo.

I got a dud,
let's switch.

Keep trying. It's for science.

Is that all
I was to her?

Just an experiment?

Michael. Michael,
you're making me look bad.

I-Interact with me.

He grabbed my finger.

Oh, he's smiling.
I'm doing it.

- That's time.
- Oh, really?

Can we do one more?

I think these guys need
to get some food.

By pushing a lever at the end

of an obstacle course
that we design?

No, by opening the door

to a hangar and letting
the airplane fly in.

Although, Sheldon, maybe
it could be an experiment.

Are you suggesting
we color-code their food

so we can examine
their diapers later?


These diapers
are gonna be full of data.

I never thought I would see
Sheldon enjoying himself

around babies so much.

Yeah, how about that?

So he just happened
to stumble upon a book

about experimenting
with them the same day

we were hanging out
with Howard's kids?

Yep, don't overthink it.

Oh, my God.

At sleepaway camp my cabin
was called "Control Group."

I can't believe you took
his business card.

I can't believe we're still
talking about this.

He handed it to me.
What was I supposed to do?

Hand it back to him
and tell him

to stick it
where the sun don't shine.

You are not serious.

Serious as the hepatitis

their cholesterol medication
gave thousands of people.

Did it?


You're not really
considering this, are you?

I don't know.
It's kinda flattering.

Please, he's just using you
to get to me.

Or he's trying to get to me

because I'm really good
at my job.

Don't be so naive.

They're our number one

They have a rival drug
coming out

with a name I wish
we thought of-- Forsootha.

It's got "soothe" right in it.

How did we miss that?

You know, our
brand recognition

is three times
higher than theirs.

And I did that with a stupid
product name and no assistant.

You only have this job
because I gave it to you.

You know who else
was begging you

to head up their sales team?

Well, you know who's
begging me now? Danny.

I can't believe this is how
you thank me.

I thanked you
by thanking you.

And I sent you
that fancy box of pears.

What am I supposed to do
with 20 pears?

Have a pear party?

Ooh, a juicy pear.

Where are the kids?

Oh, Sheldon's helping Howard
give them a bath.

Hmm. So you really think

you can trick Sheldon
into liking babies?

I slept with him;
I married him.

You want to be
against me?

Oh, you were right, Amy.

There were so many
valuable experiments

to perform on them
during bath time.

You don't say.

I do. I tested their object
permanence with a rubber duck,

and we took a run at Archimede''
water displacement,

but that went
right over their heads.

Well, I'm glad
you had a good day.

I did.
It's so funny,

we did all these experiments
on them

and they didn't even notice.

I know, I was worried it would
be obvious, but it wasn't.

I guess we should go and let
Howard get them ready for bed.

Yeah. Do you think he'd let us
come back and do some more?

Maybe we could take them
to the park.

There'll be more babies.

It's a bigger sample size.

Where did Leonard go?

Just tell me the truth, Mother.

Was my whole childhood
just one big experiment?

Of course not, dear.

It was thousands
of small experiments.

So that's all I was to you,
a-a test subject?

No, you were my baby
and I found you fascinating.


Yes, watching you develop,
tracking your progress.

I know I'm not
the warmest of parents,

but it was time
we spent together,

and, honestly, those are
some of my fondest memories.

When did you stop?

Oh, I can't tell you,
the experiment isn't over.

Zangen's a fine company.

They got a couple
of good drugs,

but we control 60%
of the market.

Hell, commissions on just
our fungal creams

will put you
in a new Mercedes.

Danny. Danny, look at me.

Does this face
sell fungal creams?

No. This face is cholesterol
drugs and above.

Playing hard to get, huh?

No one's ever
accused me of that before.

Look, why don't I just give you
a number and see what you think?

Ooh, are-are you gonna
write it on a napkin

and slide it over to me?

No, I was just gonna say it.

- Aw.
- Do you want me

to write it on a napkin
and slide it over to you?


You got it.

Danny, you rat bastard.

What? I'm just making
your friend an offer.

Yeah, he's writing it on
a napkin like in the movies.

That's not an offer.

Do you know how amazing
this girl is?

- Aw. You think I'm amazing?
- Stay out of this.

I'm serious..

Not only is she
a helluva salesperson,

she's the hardest worker
I've ever seen.

I know, that's why I'm trying
to steal her from you.

Well, then you're gonna have
to do a lot better than this,

because I promise you,

I'm not gonna let
her go without a fight.

You do not want that,
she's a biter.

Just think about it.

You know, I don't have to.

Thanks, but I'm
happy where I am.

Let's go.

Can I just see
what he wrote on the napkin?

What napkin?

You know, spending time
with Michael and Halley today

really made me think
about our future children.

Huh, what an interesting

and completely
unforeseen development.

What are you thinking?

Well, I just can't decide.

Either five sets of triplets

or three sets of quintuplets.

You know what? It doesn't matter
as long as they're healthy.

And divisible by three.

That's a lot
of babies, Sheldon.

Oh, only for humans.

For frogs, it's just
a drop in the bucket.

Well, I'm sorry
I'm not a frog.

Oh, don't feel bad, Amy.

You're good enough for me.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==