The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 12, Episode 16 - Episode #12.16 - full transcript

All right,
Professor Proton fans,

get ready to meet
Dr. Sheldon Cooper

and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler,
a pair of real-life scientists

who may win the Nobel Prize.

That's like
the Kids' Choice Award,

but with more science
and less slime.

Hi, thanks for having us.

Kids' Choice Award?

Why would they let kids
choose anything?

They're basically
human larvae.

Well, they are kind of
our target audience.

Greetings, children.

Toys, am I right?

He is. He has hundreds of them.

So you two have
discovered something

that a lot of people
are really excited about.

(chuckles) We have.

Now, before
you explain it,

keep in mind that our
average viewer is this many.

Okay, imagine you're
looking in a mirror.

The image you see
looks just like you.

That's called symmetrical.

Now imagine you have
a billion mirrors,

and each of them reflects
one thing about you correctly

and a billion things
about you incorrectly.

And imagine the set
of incorrect things

are floating in an abstract
n-dimensional hyperspace.

Now imagine there was never
a mirror to begin with.

Oh, was that
a doorbell?

I didn't
hear anything.

(doorbell rings)

Huh, there it is again.

Sheldon, why don't
you answer it?

But I don't know who it is.

Maybe it's a special guest who
I invited just to surprise you.

Why don't you open it up
and find out.

This is a terrible message
to send to children.

Children, you never
open the door

if you don't know
who's on the other side.

You always make your
mommy or daddy do it

while you hide under the bed
and try to imagine

what your superhero name will be
when you avenge their deaths.

I'll get it.

But it can't be The Silver
Shadow-- that's mine.


Captain on the bridge!
Captain on the bridge!

You're William Shatner.

You can call me Bill.

Ooh, can I call you Captain?




And w-will you call me
Science Officer Cooper?

This has got to stop.

I think you know
how to make it stop.

Put her there,
Science Officer Cooper.

Put her there,
Science Officer Cooper.

(Sheldon vomits)

Oh, poor Shatner.

Poor Shatner?
I have to eat lunch now.

Look, Sheldon's
pretty embarrassed,

so when he gets here,
we should...

Make fun of him?
(chuckles) A lot.

Guys, don't you think
that's a little mean?


Okay, just so we're
all on the same page.


- Hello.

So, Sheldon,
did you get

William Shatner's autograph,
or maybe his dry cleaning bill?


Very funny, get it all out.

Like you did on William Shatner?

Raj, do you have
something to add?

You brought shame upon
yourself and your family.

It's not funny,
but it's true.

I will admit the meeting
did not go the way I wanted.

(à la Shatner): Because you barfed where no man
has barfed before?

Well, the next time I meet him,
it will go better.

Next time? What makes you think
there's gonna be a next time?

Wil will give me another chance.
He thinks the world of me.

Aw. One of the reasons
I love you

is you actually believe that.

Thank you.

♪ The Big Bang Theory 12x16 ♪
The D & D Vortex
Original Air Date on February 21, 2019

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton.

Wil Wheaton.

(doorbell rings)

Wil Wheaton.

(doorbell rings)
Wil Wheaton.

(doorbell rings)

Wil Wheaton.

Now's not a good time, Sheldon.

For what?

I need to apologize.

Apology accepted.
MAN: Wil, come on,

I cast fireball,

you need to roll
your dexterity save.

I'll be right there.

Are you playing
Dungeons & Dragons?

- No.
MAN 2: Would you hurry up,

man, the map says
this dungeon's

full of dragons.

Still no.
Who are you playing with?

Ugh... it's just some friends,
you don't know them.

Wheaton, get back here.

are at the gate,

and you're at the door
buying Girl Scout Cookies.

Is that William Shat...?

Hey, you guys want to read
my fan fiction mash-up,

"Captain Marvelous Mrs. Maisel"?

- Nope. - No.
- Certainly not.

You don't even know
what it's about.

Is it about
a superhero

who finds her voice
by doing stand-up?

That's so much better
than what I had.

Mine is just a Jewish girl
that flies.

I'd read that.

Guys, guys,
Wil Wheaton

hosts a secret
celebrity D&D game.

How do you know?
Who was there?

Why are you damp?

I was trying to peek
in Wil's window,

and he turned the sprinklers on.

Oh, that means they
must be really famous.

I'm almost positive
I heard William Shatner.

I wonder who else is playing.

I-I bet we can use graph theory
to determine who Wil knows

and who is likely to play D&D.

Okay, obviously he's connected
to the whole Next Gen cast...

So this is the rest
of our night, huh?

Oh, no,

this is the rest of our lives.

And Josh Brolin gets
you to every Avenger.

Kevin Smith's
in this article

about celebrities who play D&D.

Oh! A-And he was
on Wil's podcast,

so they know each other.

G-Go on his Instagram,

see if you can find anything.

Yeah, he-he posted something
an hour ago:


That looks like Wil's house.

William Shatner,

Kevin Smith--
who else could be there?

Do you see what I see
over his shoulder?

Is that a ghost?

I think it's Stuart.

That is Stuart.
What-What's he doing there?

Maybe he died in Wil's house

and he can't leave
until he solves his own murder.

Why would Wil invite
Stuart and not us?

I know the answer.

We all know the answer.

Hey, guys.

You're home late.

Uh, yeah.

I had a crazy night.
I went to the pharmacy.

I like to be there when
the new decongestants drop.

Cut the crap.
We know where you were.

We know what
you were doing.

Yeah, I just told you. I was
at CVS breathing my ass off.

Oh, you were breathing,
all right.

You were breathing the
rarefied air of celebrities.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Then why are
you trembling?

I'm always trembling.

We know you were
at Wil's D&D game.

We saw you on Instagram.

We just want to know
how you got invited.

I can't talk about it or they
won't invite me back next week.

So there's another
game next week.

I didn't mean to say that.

Who's in it?
I can't tell you!

How do we get invited?
I don't know!

How many hit dice are they
playing the wereboar as having?

12d8 + 24--
I mean, I don't know!

(phone ringing)

Hey, Stuart.

I don't want to play anymore.
It's too much pressure.

Why, what happened?
I've-I've said too much.

You haven't said anything.

Not to you, to them.
Who's them?

Ah! Now I have said too much!

But y-you blocked
your number, right?


this is not my first
creepy phone call.

It's like riding a bike...
slowly past a girl's house.

WHEATON (over phone):

(imitating Shatner):

Bill Shatner here.

Is this Howard?

Of course not. It-It's Shatner.

If you don't believe me, ask my
good friend, Christopher Walken.

(imitating Walken):
Hello, Bill and I are just

hanging out...

at The Polo Lounge.

Mr. Shatner, Mr. Walken,
here are your martinis. (glass dings)

(whispering in normal voice):
What are you doing?

I'm filling out the world.
You're ruining it.

No, he's not.

Thanks, Wil.

Sheldon, why are you walking
everywhere? Just get a horse.

I had a horse.
It got hit by a train.

Get another one.

I can't just replace Chauncey.

I'm still in the
grieving process.

(phone ringing)


Hey, Leonard, I have an opening
in my D&D game next week,

and I was wondering if you
were interested in playing.

Well, yes, thank you.

Okay, great.

Now, here's the thing,
you can't tell anyone.

I'm serious,
not Howard, not Raj,

and certainly not Sheldon.


I'm really sorry
to put you in a position

where you have to lie
to your friends...

See you there!

You come face to face
with a massive monster

with a gaping maw

full of teeth, three huge legs,
and flailing tentacles.

What do you do?

Fellas, it looks like
we're facing a, an otyugh.

Here's the plan...

Hold on there, Bill.

Now what, Kareem?

How do we know
it's not a Neo-otyugh?

Same way I know
the difference

between an owlbear
and a bugbear.

Does that answer
your question?


Look, there's one way
to settle this:

we chop it up
and look at the pieces.

Oh, come on, why do you always
got to attack everything?

Why can't we just try
talking to it?

Big surprise, Podcast
here wants to talk.

What do you think, Leonard?

I think this is the greatest day
of my entire life.

It's all right, buddy,
one day you'll meet a girl.

Hey, how was your lecture?

Oh, it was so good.

I-I-I mean, it-it started great,

and then the, the middle
was great,

and then the ending was like...
(imitates explosion)

So great.

Leonard, if you went to House
of Pies again, just say it.

Wait, if you think I'm lying,

why do you think
I'm eating pies?

Why don't you think I'm...
having an affair?

Listen, i-it's fine, just
next time, bring me a slice.

Okay, well, if you
really want to know,

I'll tell you where I was.

I was at Wil's D&D game,
but that's all I can say.

Oh, fun.
Were there famous people there?

Ah, sorry, I-I-I can't
tell you that.

Okay, well, yes,

but I-I-I-I can't
tell you who.

Well, no, I-I can
tell you Shatner,

but that's only because
you already knew that one.

Well, I'm glad you had fun.


Ugh, I wish I could tell you
who else was there.

I can't, I promised.

Yeah, if it makes you feel
better, I couldn't care less.

That's true,

you don't care, so there's
no harm in telling you.

Okay, you really
don't have to.

All right,
I'll tell you. Uh...

Kevin Smith was there,

and-and, uh, this really
tall guy named Kareem.

K-Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?

I don't know, it was, uh,
Kareem something Jabbar.

How do you know him?

How do you not know him?

Well, I know him now
'cause he was there.


That is so cool.

Oh, a-and that, uh,
the guy that played

the werewolf on-on True Blood,

he was there.
Wh-- Joe Manganiello?

Uh, yeah.
From Magic Mike?

What's that?

Okay, okay,

did he look... like this?

He had his clothes on,
but, yeah.


I can't believe you
met Joe Manganiello.

Is he nice?
Oh, he's so nice.

I-I-I rolled my dice
underneath the couch,

and he just lifted
it up, one hand.

Oh, I-I bet he did.

Hi. Okay, can you guys
keep a secret?


Good, 'cause I can't.

Leonard played
Dungeons & Dragons

with the hot guy
from Magic Mike.

I never got to see that movie.

Yeah, Howie made us leave

as soon as he realized
it wasn't about magic.

Well, I have seen that movie
one or seven times,

and trust me, it is magic.

- Which guy?
- That one.


Hey, you know what was fun?

That time we played
Dungeons & Dragons.

That was fun.
We should play that more.

Sorry, what now?

Hey, what are you guys
doing here?

Oh, I, uh, think Sheldon
might have left something.

Oh, you mean, besides his lunch?


You are so funny, Wil.

We were just talking
about how funny you are.

Yeah, Leonard told you,
didn't he?

- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Yup. - Yeah.

It's Manganiello?

- Uh-huh. - Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Feel good about yourselves?

- Nope. - No.
- Yeah.

Oh, we're going
with no? No.

Hey, guys.

What are you
smiling about?

What? This is my regular face.

No, it's not.

Y-Your regular face
is more like this...

No, no, i-it's-it's more
in the eyebrows, like this...

Okay, make your jokes.

I'm still in a great mood.

(phone ringing)


Wait, what?


Oh, come on, but...

O-Okay, fine.

Huh, Raj was right,
it is more in the eyebrows.

What was that all about?

Wil kicked me out
of his D&D game.

You were
in Wil's D&D game?

With William Shatner?
And you didn't tell us?

I'm sorry,
Wil made me promise not to.

I thought
we were friends.

Oh, come on, you guys
would do the same thing.

No, we wouldn't!
I told you when I was

in spin class with
Scarlett Johansson.

It didn't even turn out
to be Scarlett Johansson.

Well, that's her
fault, not mine!

It doesn't matter

because Penny blabbed about it
and now I'm out.

So there's an open seat.

Wil Wheaton!

Open! Open!

No. No. No.

Hell no.

Look, we know Leonard is out.
You need to fill a seat.

It should be one of us.

Or give me another chance.

I think me and Joe Manganiello
were really hitting it off.

Joe Manganiello was there?
From Magic Mike?

You guys suck.

Agreed. You guys suck.
Let's go, Wil.


All of you.

You're just
trying to use me

to get close
to my famous friends.

Do you know how
that makes me feel?

Flattered? (chuckles)


I was gonna
guess that.

One of the worst things
about being a celebrity

is you never know if people
like you for you.

Well, thanks
for letting me know.


You're right, that was
really crappy of us.

Yeah, I guess we just got
caught up in the excitement.

We're sorry, Wil.
We do like you for you.

And if it makes
you feel

any better, I don't even really
consider you a celebrity.

Should we go or do you want
to wait for the sprinklers?

Guys, I-I still feel
a little bad about Wil.

Me, too.

Yeah. We should invite him
to come play with us.

Ask him to bring
some chips

because we're all out.

Hey, Wil, this is Leonard.

Make it Bugles.

No, no, no, no, no,
pretzel sticks.

No, no, no, Bugles.

We're gonna play some D&D

and thought you might
want to join us.

Thank you, Leonard, but actually

I can't do it tonight.

Uh, how about another time?

Okay, great. Thanks. Bye.

Okay, where were we?

I was about to go all
Wrath of Khan on the ogres.

Oh, man, that's it.

Put another dollar
in the Star Trek jar, Bill.

Worth it.

Speaking of putting
dollars in things...

I loved you
in Magic Mike.

Thanks. (chuckles)

Switch places with me.

Are we playing musical chairs
or Dungeons & Dragons?

Yeah, let's teach that ogre
what my broadsword tastes like.

I like your moxie.

Aw, and I like
your grandpa words.

My dad and I watched you win
back-to-back championships.

And I watched you sniff Joe's
hair when he wasn't looking.

Thank you again for inviting us,
and don't worry,

we won't tell the guys.

You know what, why don't
you tell the guys?

In fact, let's all
take a picture

and send it to
them right now.

(phones buzzing)

That's weird.

We deserve that.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==