The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 12, Episode 15 - Episode #12.15 - full transcript

Previously on
The Big Bang Theory...

Uh, we sort of have another
reason for asking you here.

We want to have a baby,

but we can't do it
on our own.

Okay, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah, this has been
such a nice evening.

Let's all just stop before
anyone says any more things.

Leonard, would you be
the father of our baby?

Oh, you said a thing.

Thank you, guys, again
for agreeing to do this.

Yeah, it means
so much to us.

Ah, we're happy
we can help.

Yeah, and we don't find it
weird at all.

It's a little weird
for us, too.

I mean, instead of our baby
looking like Zack,

it's gonna look
like Leonard.

Or Penny if it's a girl.

No, no, it's not gonna look...


But I promise,

we're gonna be
really good parents.


Oh, we know you will.

- So, what is the next step?
- Yeah.

Well, Leonard, we were hoping
you'd go in on Monday.


And they say,
for the best results,

between now and then,
you shouldn't have sex.

Sorry, bro,

I know it seems impossible
to go for five days without,

but I believe in you.

Five days?
My record is 24 years.

Uh, I think that also means
no flying solo.


Then my record is 14 years.

And, well, we're really
hoping for a son.

So just, like, keep that in mind
when you're in there.

Yeah, just think, "Little
boys, little boys."

Still just
totally not weird.


Oh, hey, Sheldon. We're kind of
in the middle of something.

Oh, I won't be a moment.
I just need to grab a book

off a high shelf, which I can do

because I am both
tall and smart.

Sheldon, come home!

They don't want
to have your baby!

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh-oh, dear, I think
I got something in my eye.

My piercing, blue eye.

- Sheldon!
- Fine.

I've also never had a cavity
and I don't have asthma...

♪ The Big Bang Theory 12x15 ♪
The Donation Oscillation
Original Air Date on February 7, 2019

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

So, this week
would have been my wedding

if Anu and I hadn't decided
to slow things down.

Oh, yeah, I would have
forgotten, except for those

nonrefundable airline tickets
to India I bought.

I'm sorry.

No, no. What's $3,000
between friends?

Yeah, I probably
would've just

thrown it away on health care
for my children.

Uh, if you still want to go,
you can go to India

and help my dad eat
all the nonrefundable sushi.

Indian sushi?

I need a change of underwear
just thinking about that.

I really think
we made the right decision.

Agreed, although
I did have

a pretty awesome bachelor party
planned for this weekend.

Really? What was it?

Well, I used my NASA connections

to get us four seats
on that plane

that lets you experience

The Vomit Comet.
That is so cool.

I've always wanted
to experience weightlessness.

The closest I ever came
was that time

I accidentally set my scale
to kilograms.

I know, it would've
been fun, but, hey,

the next time you decide to
marry a woman you barely know.

We could still go.

You know, make it
a guys' weekend.

All right, let's do it.

Great. It'll be like
the good old days.

You mean when we were all sad,
desperate and horribly alone?

I remember it more fondly.

Leonard, if you had
food on your face,

would you want me to tell you?

Where? Did I get it?

Oh, no, not now;
it was last week.

I didn't know
whether or not to tell you,

but everyone was staring.

For the record,
it was right there.

And it was Nutella.


You looked like
a hazelnut Hitler.

Hey, who wants to hear
some exciting news?

Oh, what's up?

This weekend, I got us
four seats on the Vomit Comet.

Oh, you lost me at "vomit,"
you lost me again at "comet,"

and to be honest, I was
on the fence at "us."

Yeah, I can't go either.
Penny's dad is visiting

from Nebraska, and I haven't
seen him for a while.

Oh, that's nice
you guys get along.

I forget, Howard, does your
father-in-law still hate you?

He doesn't hate me.

He's just disappointed

that I'm not
any other man on the planet.

That's how I feel about
Ben Affleck as Batman.

Well, these two are out.

There goes
our guys' weekend.

Okay, so let's make it
a couples' weekend.

I'll bring Anu,
you bring Bernadette.

I'm not sure
Bernie would like it.

Maybe I'll invite
Stuart or Bert.

Oh, go with Bert!

He's huge. It'd be fun to
watch him float around.

Like that time the
Underdog balloon

got away at the
Macy's Parade.

Hey. What are those?

Oh, vitamins.

Zack wants me to take them
to increase my virility.

Zack used the word "virility"?

He may have said
"wiener power."

Okay, that's my dad.

Now, remember, do not bring up
any baby stuff, all right?

Not me not wanting one,
not you having one with Zack.

Got it.

And if he brings it up,
change the subject

to literally anything else.
- I got it.

But not the Cornhuskers.
Do not discuss the Cornhuskers.

Is that a sports team?

Never mind, you're good.

- Daddy! Hi.
- Hey, Slugger.


- Hey, Wyatt.
- Leonard.

Hey, that's a hell
of a handshake.

Ah, well, you know,
I've been taking vitamins.

Dad, uh, come on in,
sit down.

Can I get you something
to drink? Maybe a beer?

Sure, if you're having one.

And why wouldn't you,
since you're not pregnant?


Leonard wants to have a baby
with my ex-boyfriend Zack.

How 'bout those Cornhuskers?

Hey, would you mind if Raj
and I went away this weekend?

Well, it is important for you
two to keep the spark alive.

No, just the bachelor party
I had planned.

I thought we'd do it anyway.

Oh, so a guys' weekend?

Kinda. I mean, Sheldon
and Leonard couldn't make it,

so Raj invited Anu
and I asked Stuart.

Wait, you invited Stuart
before me?

Actually, I invited Bert
before Stuart,

but I don't know why
I just told you that.

Why didn't you invite me?

I know you.

You don't want to float
weightless in an airplane.

What are you
talking about?

I love doing crazy
stuff like that.

Bernie, you got sick from
the teacup ride at Disneyland.

Lots of people do.

We were still in line.

So you don't want me to go?

No, I want you to go
if you're gonna have fun.

I don't want you to go
if you're gonna be miserable

and ruin it for everyone.

Which is a long way of saying

I want you to go!

I think this is
going pretty good, huh?

Maybe for you.
You threw me under the bus.

Oh, I'm sorry. I panicked.
He was judging me.

Well, yeah, now he's judging me.

I know. It worked.

You two might want to talk
louder or quieter.

In high school, he could
hear me open a can of beer

in my closet
under a blanket.

So let me get this
straight, Leonard.

She doesn't want
to have your baby,

but her dumbbell
ex-boyfriend does.

Well, I... no, I wouldn't
say it like that.

How would you say it?

Uh, same words, just less angry.

Well, I don't know
about Los Angeles,

but in Nebraska,
that's kind of strange.

It's strange here, too,
and we have a bakery for dogs.

And you're okay with this?

- I support my husband.
- Thank you.

But, you know,
if you think differently,

you should feel free
to say so.

You know, just like, "Ah!"
Make a scene.

Okay, look, they can't
have kids of their own,

and they like
that I'm smart,

and they want that
for their child.

No, I get it.

You do?


Back on the farm,
we had a prize stallion.

We didn't let that just go to
waste; we put him out to stud.

No, no, this is... this is
a little different than that...

No, no, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey.

Uh, you were comparing me
to a prize stud. Go on.

You have fun with
your new best buddy?

Hey, it's your fault
your dad likes me.

You dated idiots
your whole life.

Well, he was right
about one thing.

I am married to a stud.

Mm. Really?

Yeah, I felt so bad
about selling you out,

I thought I would
maybe make it up to you.

Wait, wait. I can't.

I mean, I want to,

but I'm not supposed to
for the next three days.

Oh. That's right.
I forgot.

All right, well, guess
I'll just read a little

and then... I don't
know... go to sleep.

Really? That's what
you're sleeping in?

Oh, you want me to take it off?


All right.

Well, then pipe down
and let me read my comic book.

Penny, I-I know
what you're doing.

Just please stop.

Ooh, listen to this.



Take that, Batman."

Thanks again for
doing this, guys.

- Of course.
- So excited.

I'm glad you came.

Howard made it sound like
this wasn't your kind of thing.

He did say that, but here I am.

So what does he know?

I'm sorry. I just...

didn't think you'd enjoy
plummeting to the Earth

at 400 miles an hour.

I love going fast,

unlike Grandma here,

poking along
at 70 miles an hour.

Am I right?

I've always wanted
to do this.

I'm an adrenaline junkie.

Roller coasters, snowboarding,

dating men
who bathe with their dogs.

It was during a drought.

I'm a thrill-seeker, too.

I've had to pull back
since I became a mom,

but I'll still jump on the back
of a grocery cart

and just roll
through the meat section.

And I'm married
to her,

which is quite
the ride.


There's something out here.

Just trap it
under a cup,

and I'll be there
in a minute.

I'll try, but
it's Leonard.


Well, what is
he doing here?

I told you, if we left
pizza on the counter,

we'd attract

Oh, hey, guys.

Sorry. I used my key.

I just needed
a place to crash.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, I...

had to get out of the apartment.

My wife kept trying
to have sex with me.

Been there.

Why are you trying
to avoid having sex?

Well, we just did it
three weeks ago.

I was talking
to Leonard!

Well, I-I have to go
to the clinic

for Zack and Marissa on Monday,

and I'm supposed
to save myself until then.

Sounds like maybe Penny's not
totally on board with that plan.

Well, she said she was.

But she also said
I looked dope.

Honestly, I don't even
think I looked fly.

So you're willing
to go through with this,

even though
she clearly has reservations?

If she has a problem,

she should say something.

She tried to seduce you.

If that's not a cry for help,

I don't know what is.

Penny doesn't want
to have kids.

I respect that.

But this is my chance to
leave a part of me behind.

Okay, but this isn't
gonna make you a dad.

It's gonna be
their baby, not yours.


if that kid wants
to know why he's short,

nearsighted, and asthmatic...

...he may hunt you down.

Are you guys ready for the most
intense experience of your life?

- Yes.
- Definitely.

Not to brag, but
I'm an astronaut,

so I've been
weightless before.

Can be pretty scary.

Please, I'm, like, 90 pounds.

I'm weightless every time
I hold more than three balloons.

Okay, I just need you guys
to sign these waivers,

and then you
can go get changed.

There are a lot
of pages here.

Is this a waiver or a screenplay
you've been working on?

I'm sure it's just

Absolutely. It's to protect us
in case of injury.

It says, "Or death."

Which is awesome.

- Done.
- Where are the changing rooms?

Dressing rooms
are in the back.

No peeking.

Here you go.

Okay. Should we go get changed?

Yeah. Hang on a second.


I have two babies at home.

What am I doing?

If you don't want to do this,

then why'd you come?

To prove to Howard
that he doesn't know me as well

as he thinks he does.

Looks like he does.

Unless I do it
and then he doesn't.

Why not just be honest?

You're right.

I should be honest.

You owe me $3,000 for those
plane tickets to India!


That was a long run.

Yeah. Well,
I was in the zone.

You know,
and then in a diner

and then in a massage chair
at the mall where I fell asleep.

Are you avoiding me?

Well, I took a nap
next to Hot Dog on a Stick.

What do you think?

I think you're mad at me
and Leonard,

but maybe... you're really mad
at yourself.

Why would I be
mad at myself?

'Cause you regret
this "no baby" plan of yours.

You know, it's
pretty crappy of you

to make me feel
bad about this.

I'm not trying
to make you feel bad.

But... do you?


I feel like I'm
letting everybody down.

Hate disappointing Leonard,

but I really hate
disappointing you.

Oh, Slugger, you could
never disappoint me.

Okay, your high school years
were a little rough.

And I'm sorry about that.

There was you
sneaking out at night

and your boyfriends
sneaking out in the morning.

I said sorry.

That time you got drunk
and stole a horse.


I was there.
I remember.

Parts of it.

But besides all that,

being your dad is the best thing
ever happened to me.

What about
Randall and Lisa?

They're okay.

I just don't want you
to miss out.

I know.

But if this is
really what you want...

or don't want...

I'm on your side.




Uh, Wyatt, we need to talk.

Sure. What's up?

I want you to back off.

You know? I-If Penny and I don't
have kids, that's between us.

So you need
to stay out of it.

Oh, Leonard, it's okay.
We talked. We're good.


Okay, you could've
stopped me sooner.

Could've let
you go longer.


You did great, Leonard.
Very forceful.


I-I-I felt like my voice
was a little shaky there.


Hey, I decided
to not go through

with this Zack
and Marissa thing.


- But you were so excited about it.
- I know.

But, um...

I think I was just
fooling myself.

I-I would be heartbroken
if I had a kid out there

and I wasn't his dad.

I know you would.


So, that thing
you wanted to do last night,

I'm available.

I got real good hearing there,

All right,
everyone's suited up.

Let's head out
to the tarmac!

Actually, one second.

Howie, I don't think
I should do this.


Well, I did
not see that coming.

Just... We have kids,

and it's not smart to
put us both in danger.

That's a good point.

When I was little,
my parents

never flew together.

We thought it was
because they loved us,

but it turns out
they hated each other.


I just think
I shouldn't go.

Actually, this is much safer
than driving a car.

Stay out of it, flyboy!

You're right.

But I've done this before.

And since you really,
really want to go,

I'll stay here.

Oh. Great.

Unless you don't want to because
I was right and I do know you.

Well, if you really know me,
then you know how far I'll go

to prove a point.
- Apparently,

34,000 feet that way,
then straight back down,

up and down,
over and over again

until you throw up food
you didn't even eat.

They are definitely
your weirdest friends.

If only that were true.

I hate this so much!

Why am I doing this?!

To prove a stupid point
to your husband!

Oh, right. Worth it.

Hey, Zack.

Um, look, I-I know this
is gonna be disappointing,

but, um, I-I can't do this.

No, no, no, no.

I-I, I know how. I just can't.

But, hey, look,

I-if you like,

I-I know someone
who might be interested.

No! Absolutely not!

I'm sorry,
my wife says I'm not allowed.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==