The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 12, Episode 14 - Episode #12.14 - full transcript

Ooh, it's freezing
out here.

Would you like me to...
heat things up?

No, I want to get in the hot tub
before I lose a toe.

Oh. That is bright!

Yeah, a new neighbor
put in floodlights.


So, shall we?

No. I don't want

to take my robe off
under a spotlight.

This is a candle body.

Howdy, neighbors!

We haven't met
yet. I'm Andy.

Oh. Hello.
Nice to meet you.

You know, your new balcony kind
of looks right over our fence.

You might want to put up some
trees. We can see everything.

You can, but it's okay
if you don't.

So, can you turn
your lights off?

Sorry, they're

They'll go off in a minute.
Just try to stay still.

What are we gonna
do about this?

I say we wait until
his lights go off,

and then I make hot,
motionless love to you.

Don't move.
It's go time.

♪ The Big Bang Theory 12x14 ♪
The Meteorite Manifestation
Original Air Date on January 31, 2019

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

And his new balcony looks
right down on our hot tub,

which meant we
couldn't do anything.

So you gave your kids
Benadryl for nothing?

Why do I share with you?
You're such a yenta.

Are we done talking about

Howard's failed
conjugal relations?

I have an actual
Nobel Prize crisis to deal with.

Has anything changed since the
last time you talked about it?


Is there anything
you can do about it?


Then shut up
or go wait in the car!

Excuse me.

Remember you all came here

to check out
my cool new laser?

Oh, right. I'm gonna go
wait in the car.

The best part is that
it's europium-based, so...

And then Andy said
if we want privacy,

we should plant
some trees.

The only way I know how to
do that is to give a dollar

and tree shows
up in Israel.

Okay. Anyway, so because
it's europium-based...

Hey. I need some help
with a meteorite I found.

Ah. I'd be happy to.

Oh, no, I meant Raj.

I really need an astrophysicist.


This is exactly like
a dream I had.

Except in the dream,
you're Gal Gadot.

I don't really have dreams,
when I sleep or in life.


I X-rayed this meteorite,
and it looks like there's

some sort of organic signature
inside of it,

but I could really use
another opinion.

Well, great.
Let's go check it out.


I'm gonna stay here
and show Howard...

I want to see it!

Okay. Well, thanks for
stopping by.

Screw them. That's cool.

Hey, I'm not sure
we're in the right line.

- Is this for the city zoning office?
- Yes, it is.

Or, as we call it here,
"the zone zone."

No, we don't.

That's Linda.

Ignore her.
She's going through the change.

Now, how can I help you?

Our neighbor built
a balcony that looks

right into our backyard,
and we're trying to see

if there's anything
we can do about it.

Well, you have come
to the right place.

You know, a lot of people handle
this type of thing online,

but I always say
nothing beats the human touch.

Oh, but don't worry.

I'm not gonna
actually touch you.

We had quite the informative
meeting on that.

We just want a little
privacy in our backyard.

You know, for...

Maybe we should've
done this online.

No, no, no, no.
The zone zone is a safe zone.

Stop saying "zone zone"!

So, is there anything we can do?

Absolutely. Do you know if they
have permits for the balcony?

Oh, no. We were hoping
you could check.

I certainly can. I just
need you to fill out a form,

and we have them available
in Armenian, Chinese,

Cambodian, English, Farsi,
Korean, Spanish and Vietnamese.

Well, English, obviously.

Well, we're not
allowed to presume.

That was a whole other meeting.

So we just fill out
the form and that's it?

Oh, no. No, you need to
fill it out, and then you need

to bring it down to
the Office of Code Compliance.

Now, if your neighbors don't
have a permit, you can file

an official complaint,
but if they do have a permit,

then you have to make the case
that the balcony constitutes

a nuisance, an encumbrance
or an encroachment,

and you have to decide which,

because they are three
totally separate forms.

This is starting to seem like
more trouble than it's worth.

I know, right?

- You okay?
- Yeah.

Great, 'cause you just bought
that whole row of Batmans.

Sorry, I...

And now you bought Aquaman.
Good choice.

If you want cold medicine,

Stuart has the entire run
of DayQuils,

including the rare
"DayQuilt" misprint from 1996.

What can I say?
I'm a collector.

Thanks, but I'm fine.
I think it's just allergies.

- Hi, guys. - Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, heads up.

If that Aquaman feels wet,
it's not a gimmick.

Leonard sneezed on it.

- You sick?
- Uh, it's just allergies.

Oh. So, check it out.

This meteorite that Bert found
is really cool.

We did a spectrographic
analysis, and there's...

there's definitely something
going on inside.

Well, y, i-if you want,

we could use my new laser
to cut it open.

Well, thanks, but Bert's
got this water-cooled,

diamond-bladed saw.

Well, sure, but with my laser,
you'd get a thinner slice,

which would make for
a better sample.

Whoa, whoa.

You're not gonna cut
open a meteor, are you?

Have you not learned anything
from comic books?

Space viruses?
Pod people?

I sell nothing
but warnings.

C-Calm down, Stuart.

You're being a little crazy.

Oh, is he?
Is he being crazy?

Or is he the only one around
here who's making any sense?

It's nice they
found each other.

Yeah. Uh, so, anyway,
you want to use my laser?

Eh, sorry.
It's kind of Bert's thing,

and he wants to do it
his way, so...


Yeah, that's cool.

Just seems dumb
to not use the laser.

Not as dumb as
unleashing a plague on mankind,

but, hey, what do we know?

Literally nothing.

We spent half the day down
at the city planning office,

and didn't solve a thing.

Now we have to go
back tomorrow.

The planning office?
You lucky ducks.

Yeah, this one made
me go for ice cream

and talk about her day.

Spoiler alert:
it was fine.

It wasn't fine.
I got trapped in an elevator.

I may have missed a few details.

The bottom of my cone
was drippy.

So now we have to download
all these forms and fill them out.

We get it.

Your life is great.
Stop rubbing it in.

Yeah, quit it.

Is one of the forms

the 599B/C?

Because, if so, it has
a doozy of a typo.

I don't know.

All right, well, I don't
want to spoil anything,

but you might want to start
practicing your "siglature."

Sheldon, if you like this
stuff, why don't you come

and do it with us?
- Or instead of us?

Do you mean it?

No, no, wait, it's too late.
You can't take it back. Yes.

Well, Amy,
looks like the elevator

might have been
the high point of your day.

Hey, where's Raj?

Uh, he's working with Bert.

They're probably cutting
their stupid meteorite open

with their stupid
diamond saw.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

I'm just a little run-down.

It might be a head cold.





Can I top anybody off?

It's just so frustrating.

I-I know my laser would be
way more efficient.

They're gonna lose so much
meteorite due to kerf loss.

Mm. I'm sorry your friends won't
let you play kerf with them.

Don't make it sound childish.

It's the scientific word
for dust.

What was wrong with "dust"?

Are you sure you're
not just a little jealous?

No. It's just, my way is better,
but they won't even consider it.

Oh, well, it's their loss.
Look, why don't you go to bed.

I'll run out and get
you some medicine.

Ah, it's okay.

Stuart gave me some when
I was at the comic book store.

Really? You're taking medicine
from Stuart?

Doesn't he need,
like, all of it?

Mm, he's got plenty.

His pill caddy is,
like, this big.

All right, well,
why don't you go to bed.

I'll sleep out here
on the couch.

No, no, no, you take the bed.
I'll stay out here.

Even better.
Sweet dreams, snot bag.

See what
I'm talking about?

Oh, yes.

Oh, that is
textbook encroachment.

And I know
because I have the textbook.

First edition.

Watch what happens
when you move.


Oh, boy, you weren't kidding.

Oh, those are 10,000
lumens if they're a lumen.

Well, you know
what they say:

when life give you lumens,
make lumen-Ade.

Was that a joke?


Based on the premise that
"lumen" sounds like "lemon"?


That's hilarious.

Okay, what is the setback
on property lines

in this neighborhood?

Oh, I don't know.

It must be on the permit
from when you built your deck.

Uh, yeah,
my dad built this.

We didn't do
the whole permit thing.

Here we go.

Are you saying

I'm standing
on an unpermitted deck?

It's been here for years,
Sheldon. It's fine.

How did the inspector
not flag this

when he came to check out
your bathroom renovation?


Are you telling me
that I have showered

in an uninspected bathroom?

You showered
in our house?

You made me hold your children.
What did you expect me to do?

You think
you know people.

You do know
them, Sheldon.

Yeah, but-but do we?
Do we really know them?


They're rule breakers, Amy.

And you know what we do
with rule breakers?

Complain about them
to our spouse

until she's ready to drive
into oncoming traffic?

You can't cross
a double yellow line.

What is this, the Purge?

So, I guess
you're not gonna help them?

Oh, I'm gonna help them--

help them get on the right side
of Johnny Law.

Oh, you can't
turn them in.

The city's gonna
make them rip out

all the work they've
done and do it over.

It would be the end
of your friendship.

What choice do I have?
These are the rules.

Sheldon, I am begging you.
Please, don't do this.

You know who doesn't get permits
for their decks? Animals.

Animals don't have decks.

Oh, really? I have
one word for you: beavers.




Can't believe
they're gonna cut that

with this punk-ass diamond saw.


Oh, hey, look.


- Next!
- Hello.

Hi! Welcome to the zone zone.

Oh, that's funny!

Hey, I also have
a joke for you.


Maybe I told it wrong.

Well, how can I help you?

If I know someone in violation
of the building code,

should I turn them in?

Interesting question.

Yeah, I know. Because,
on the one hand,

Confucius says we owe
a greater responsibility

to people we're close with
rather than to society at large.

But, on the other hand,
Socrates says that

we're obligated to obey
all laws, even unjust ones.

And then, furthermore,
if we're entertaining rules

about when it's okay
to break the rules,

I should--
where does it end?

Well, for me, it ends at 5:00.

Well, I just-- I don't
know what to do.

All I can tell you
is that the building codes

are there for everyone's safety.

Oh, so you're saying I have
no choice but to turn them in.

I did not say that.

But would you?

And remember that I laughed
at your "zone zone" joke.

It's not even a joke!

Oh, is that Linda back there?

- Yeah.
- Aw.

How are her hot
flashes? Any better?

what are you doing?!

Showing you that this
is the better way.

Stop! Whatever's
inside there is dangerous!


And pretty.

What is that?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just feeling a little...


Stop eating Bert!

Keep eating Bert!


What? What?

You're having a bad dream.

Oh, thank God.

I was eating my friends.

Well, one friend
and one acquaintance.

You know what, Bert's okay.
Two friends.

Let me see
if you're running a fever.


Oh, yeah,
you're burning up.


Are you okay?

That depends.

What-what color are my eyes?

I don't know, brown?

No, green. No, wait, brown.

Oh, good, I'm awake.

Howie, someone's here
to see you.


Hey. What's going on?

Can you come
over here?

Sheldon, the deck is safe.
You can walk on it.

Oh, that gets the heart going.

So, what's up?

I went down to the city
Code Compliance Office

to turn you in.

Are you kidding?

But I didn't do it.

I filled out the form
and then realized

that the unwritten rules
of friendship

are more important
than the written rules

of the city of Altadena's
Zoning and Planning Department.


Really? "Aw"?

And you'll be happy to know
that, while I was there,

I did look into
your neighbor's balcony,

and it is encroaching
on your property line.

I had all this pent-up
snitch energy,

so I reported him hard.

What did they say?

He's going
to have to remove it.

So the good guys win?

Well, I don't know
if I'd call you the good guys.

You're enforcing a law on him

that you're willfully ignoring

Uh, all right, fine.

So the morally
compromised guys win.

Apparently so.

Now, if one of you'd be
kind enough to take me home,

I need to use my bathroom.

What's wrong
with the one here?

I'm sorry, I want to live.

Hey. You guys
got a second?

Leonard, I told you, buddy.
We don't need to use your laser.

Yeah, all we need
is Terry Brad-saw.

That's what I named my saw.

No, I-I just wanted

to apologize for yesterday.

I just-- I think
I was jealous, you know?

Sheldon and Amy
might win a Nobel Prize,

and now you guys have
this cool meteorite project.

- Really? You're jealous of us?
- Yeah.

I even had this crazy dream
last night where I ate you both.

- Seriously?

I know. I was pretty out of it.

Who'd you eat first?

Oh. Uh, you.


This is just delightful.

Do you think he knows we're the
ones that got him in trouble?

- Who cares?
-I do. I met his wife.

She seems really nice.

Sorry about
the noise, neighbor!

No problem!

Hey, you guys know
a Sheldon Cooper?!

No, we do not!

Is it just me or has no one
been in the store for hours?

Yeah, it is weirdly quiet.

Nobody's in the street.

Huh. Well,
that's strange.

You thinking
what I'm thinking?

They cut that meteorite open
and unleashed a space plague?


Let me just lock up here.

Okay. So what do we do?

Uh, well, if this is
a worst-case scenario

and we're the last two
people alive, we're gonna,

we're gonna have to
rebuild civilization.

Do you have
any special skills?

I can draw.

How 'bout you?

I can play clarinet.

Oh, I didn't know that.

- Yeah, ten years.
- Ah.

You know, it, uh,
might also be up to us to

repopulate the Earth.

I'm okay with that.

So... shall we?

Wait here. I'm gonna
brush my teeth.

Sorry, we're closed!

This is going on Yelp!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==