The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 11, Episode 22 - The Monetary Insufficiency - full transcript

Sheldon goes to Vegas to win money for science. Also, Penny and Bernadette take Amy wedding dress shopping, but her terrible choice entangles them in a web of lies.

What are you doing?

The light is red, so I came to a stop.

You're in a stolen cop car
with a dead hooker in the trunk.

You don't have to obey traffic laws.

I know I don't have to.

The fun is choosing to.

Hey. Missed you guys
at the faculty mixer.

Oh, you should have been there.
Dessert was bananas.

Sorry, that was misleading.

The dessert was pie,
but the pie was bananas.

Actually, the pie was cherry,

but the taste of the pie was bananas.

Those mixers are such
a waste of University money.

If they spend less money

on frivolous nonsense and more money
on science, we'd all be better off.

You're a theoretical physicist.

What more do you need
than an office and a white board?

Someday my new formulas
on entropy decrease

due to quantum de-coherence
will need to be tested

and that will require funding.

Your theories are pretty abstract.

I wouldn't even know how to design
an experiment to prove them.

Says the experimental physicist.

Well, I know a place the University
can make some cuts.

Bye, Leonard.

One second, he's got a point.

In order to corroborate
your string theory research,

you'd have to create a black hole.

Wouldn't that destroy the Earth?

Well, perhaps.

But we'd all go to the grave
knowing I was right.

I guess you could create
a contained microscopic black hole.



Welcome back, Leonard.

Sorry, you're out.

What did I do?


Ooh! This one's pretty.

Mmm, my mother wouldn't approve.
Shows too much clavicle.

She calls it "the bosom's welcome mat."

I can't wait to get drunk

and pick a fight with her
at your wedding.

It's just so hard to tell
what will look good on me.

No, this is just to give you ideas,
you know.

Do you want something
simple and elegant?

Do you want a train...

Oh! We're talking about trains.

Not the kind of trains you like.

Oh, I like all kinds of trains.

Steam, diesel, coal, elevated, bullet.

Now, I defy you
to name a train that I don't like.

The kind on the back of a wedding dress?

I did not see that coming, good job.

Although, while we're on
the subject of fashion,

I am asking the University
for some funding tomorrow.

What should I wear?

I've got a push-up bra I can loan you
that always gets me free drinks.

How much money are you asking for?

$500 million.

Then I'd go no bra.

What do you need that kind of money for?

I have figured out
an experimental design

that may corroborate
my latest thinking on string theory.

I just need 2,148 high-power lasers

to compress 20 mg of gold
into a small enough volume

to make a microscopic black hole.

- Just nod.
- Mmm.

Sheldon, they're not gonna give you
half a billion dollars.

I mean, they won't even
give me that much

and I keep promising I can make
people's brains grow younger.

Can you?


But I need it.

It's the only way
to settle the contradictions

between gravity and quantum mechanics.

Well, it's too much money,
you can't ask for that all at once.

Well, what if I ask for it
in six easy installments

of $83,333,333.33?

Okay, what if you asked for $20 million?

Yeah, I'm sorry,
I'm trying to do science,

not hire Lady Gaga
to come to my birthday.

Do you even know who Lady Gaga is?

Presumably the wife of Lord Gaga.

Sheldon, you know, Penny's got a point.

Sometimes when you want
something big from someone,

you gotta to be careful
not to scare them away, you know.

You've gotta start small
and build up slowly,

even if it takes eight years.

Eight long years.

That's oddly specific.

Have you ever done that?


So, with this level of high-power
laser array, we would actually be able

to solve the black hole information
paradox once and for all.

That's impressive, and how much funding
were you looking for?

$20 million.

Really? You think you can build that
for $20 million?

Not a chance.

I'm sorry,
then why are you asking me for it?

Because once you've spent $20 million,

you're much more likely
to give me an additional $50.

So actually what you're saying is
with $70 million you can build this.

I see why you'd think that, but no.

You can't go to the board of trustees

and say you gave Sheldon Cooper
$70 million

and have nothing to show for it.

No. The only way you'd be
able to save face is to double down.

- So $140?
- And then double again.


And then good news, not quite,
double again.

So, what do you say? We have a deal?

- He said no?
- No.

That's only a two-letter word.
You're gonna have to double down.

I'm sorry, Sheldon,

but this sort of thing happens.

Higgs had to wait almost 50 years
before they built a collider

big enough to prove his theory.

50 years?

But I want to play with it now.

You just have to wait
for science to catch up,

or technology to get cheaper.

Think about DVD players,
they used to cost like $1,000,

but just the other day
I used one to smash a bug.

Yeah, you just have to be patient.

But what if while I'm being patient
someone more relentless than me

badgers their university
into giving them money?

If there's someone more relentless
than you, I'd like to meet them.

I would not.

I'm not waiting
for the University to come around.

I'll find another way
to raise the money.

Ooh! If it's one of those booths
where we can throw a pie at you

I'm in for, like, 20 bucks.

Forty bucks if I can throw a DVD player.

Would you like some champagne?

- Oh, thank you.
- Thanks.


This is nice.

What, helping Amy find a dress
or day-drinking?

It's just nice, okay.

What do you think?

Amy, oh, my God.

You look so beautiful.

I feel beautiful.

And look, both clavicles.
Take that, Mom.

You know what they say,
if got 'em flaunt 'em.

Is it possible that
the very first dress is the dress?

No. Don't be silly, you can't buy
the first dress you try on.

That'd be like marrying
the first guy that you...

You can't buy
the first dress you try on.

Little finger sandwiches, too.
This place is amazing.

Interesting thing
about finger sandwiches,

you put enough of them together,
you've got a sandwich.

Guys, we have a problem.

- Are you okay?
- What's wrong?

I look amazing in all of these dresses!

Look at your waist,
where you been hiding that thing?

Bernadette, stop.

Penny, you say something nice now.

Boy, you know,
when Sheldon sees you in that dress,

he's gonna wanna
methodically take it off, fold it up,

carefully place it in a storage box,
label it, and then ravish you.

Should I try on some more?

Are you having fun?

Am I having fun being beautiful?
Of course I am!

All right, keep going.

This is it.

This is the one.

Do you love it?

Do you?

I do.


Also wow.

- Hello, Leonard.
- Hi.

Are you doing anything?

No, I'm just sitting here at my desk
typing on my computer for nothing.

That was my guess,
but I didn't want to assume.

Can you help me
shoot my kick-starter video?

Do you really think people are gonna
give you half a billion dollars?

Of course not, but if I can raise enough
seed money to show that I'm serious,

I should be able to attract
some major investors.

And look at the cool incentives
I'm offering.

"For $50,000, I will examine your diet

"and create a customized
bathroom schedule."

That's fitting,
50 grand down the toilet.

How about this. "For $100,000

"I will design the flag of your house
or apartment,

"and for $1 million

"I will come over and tell you
what's wrong with you."

Aw! All these years
I've been getting that for free.

Don't be smug, Leonard.

That's one of things
that's wrong with you.

Well, that was a successful trip.


Amy found a dress that she liked.

She sure did.

She found a dress that looked like...

Like it made her happy.

She did look happy.
I mean, her face was just glowing, so...

Yeah, we should make sure

the photographer knows to just
really get in there.

So, we agree it's awful?

That dress should be set on fire.

Should we say something?

No, we can't.

Don't you think she brought us with her
because she wants our honest opinion?

No one wants that.

I do.

No, ya don't.

I don't want her to look back
and think she made some awful mistake.

You mean, like your dumb
Cookie Monster tattoo?

See, was that fun?

Someone's gonna say something
and it should be us now

instead of everyone at her wedding.

Okay, but as long as we do it gently.

And together.

What about my dress?

Don't you like it?

- I don't.
- It's beautiful.

Hey, Stuart,
I'd like to sell some comic books.

Oh! I know all about that.
Step one is flunk out of art school.

Why are you selling them?

The University is refusing
to fund my experiment,

so I need to raise money
and do it on my own.

How much do you need?

For a start,
I'm trying to raise $500,000.

Well, I hope you have that rare Superman
printed on the skin of actual Superman.

I know you're making a joke,

but I really do have
some valuable issues in here.

And this is just the first box of many.

All right, let's see what you got.

Is this a complete run
of Todd McFarlane's Spawn?


Ooh! Look at this, Giant-Size X-Men #1,

Len Wein's relaunch of the franchise.

Yeah, I know what it is.

I'm the one who bought it, bagged it,
boarded it and taped it shut

while wearing white cotton gloves.

Okay, well, I... You know, I'm gonna
have to open it to assess its condition.

Just be gentle,

it's never felt
the touch of a man before.

You don't seem like
you really want to sell these.

Of course I don't wanna sell these.

These are all important to me,

but not as important as science.

And if this is the sacrifice
I need to make, then so be it.

Okay, why don't you
leave these here with me

and I'll price them out for you?

Is it okay if I stand here and watch?


If anyone asks, tell them I was brave.

Hey, I can't believe
you just threw me under the bus.

I know, right? That was crazy.

Do you know how that makes me look?

That's an easy one, bad.

Why didn't you tell her
that you don't like the dress either?

What happened to our united front?

I'm sorry,
is this your first day being a girl?

Oh! Did your mom pack your lunch?

Of course not.

Do you know how much it costs
to pack a tuna fish sandwich in dry ice

and overnight it from Texas?

Well, I do, and my mother says
it's too expensive.

- I like tuna fish.
- Do you want it?

I'll sell it to you for $5,000.

How's the fundraising going?

That depends. Raj, was that a yes?

- No.
- It's going badly.

How much have you raised?

Well, with my kick-starter campaign,

selling my collectibles
and the money in my bank account,

about $65,000.

Wow! That's a lot.

Not enough.

It's so frustrating
that science should be held hostage

to the almighty dollar.

Don't give up,
you'll find that money somewhere.

- You really think so?
- No, but it's good that he has a hobby.

You ever thought of going to Vegas?

Can you be more specific?

Las Vegas.

Oh! You mean gambling?

Oh, well that's not the worst idea.

Um, it is the worst idea,

and I'm including the year
that Raj wore nothing but tracksuits.

Ordinary people can't beat a casino,

but mathematicians and scientists,
they do it all the time.

A group of students from MIT
took Las Vegas for millions

and that's MIT.

Howard went there.

Come on, Sheldon, I'll give you a ride
out to the desert right now.

No one is going to Vegas.

We weren't gonna make it to Vegas.

Hi, do you have a minute?

Depends, is what I'm wearing okay
or should I go change first?

Look, I'm sorry.

I never should've said
I didn't like your dress.

It's your wedding and all that matters
is that you feel beautiful.

Thank you.

So, are we good?

No. We're not good, you ruined my dress.

What? I just said you should wear it.

Well, I can't wear it now.

I mean, I know you hate it.
That's all I'm gonna be thinking about.

No, I don't hate it.

I asked if you liked it and you said no.

There is a lot of room
between "don't like" and "hate."

You know, it's where you find
rice pudding and jazz.

Anyway, who cares what I think?

I do.

You're the coolest, prettiest,
best-dressed person in my life.

Okay, that would be flattering, except
I know all the people in your life.

Look, Amy, I don't know what to say.

I think I got stuck on the fact

that it's not a dress I would choose,
but it shouldn't be.

You know, it's your dress.

I mean, hey, would you marry Leonard?


Okay, a simple "no"
would've been fine, but...

You see my point?

That we're different people.


And from now on I'm gonna remember
that this wedding is all about you.

I appreciate that.

You're a good maid of honor.

It's Bernadette. Hello?

I feel bad about
hanging Penny out to dry.

The truth is,
I don't like the dress either.

Are you kidding me?
Now Bernadette doesn't like the dress.

She is the worst.

Anyone seen Sheldon?

Last time I saw Sheldon
was this morning.

Careful, don't say his name
a third time.

You don't think
he actually went to Las Vegas, do you?

Five red.

This is it.

- Is everything okay, sir?
- Oh! Hi.

It's better than okay.

I am a physicist and I've been
observing this wheel for hours

and running a chi-square analysis,
which is how I know

that the ball is far more likely
to land on 32, 17 or five.

So if you could hold off
on replacing this wheel,

I'd like to make several large bets.

Well, good for you. Pelican.

What's pelican?

Sir, would you come with us?

No, I have to place my bet first.
This is for science.

- Seventeen black.
- No!


Guess who's no longer allowed
to set foot in...


You look beautiful.


'Cause I was gonna return it.

Why would you return it?

You look like a pile of swans.

I'm so glad you like it,

'cause it's gonna be my wedding dress.

I can't wait to marry you.

Why do you smell like smoke?

I was in Vegas.


Oh! I'm sorry. Las Vegas.