The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 11, Episode 23 - The Sibling Realignment - full transcript

Sheldon and Leonard make a road trip to wrangle a reluctant wedding guest.

That's not right.

No, that's so unreasonable.

Yeah, well,
if you're going to be like this

then I don't wanna talk to you
right now either.

Okay, I love you. Bye.

Amazon customer support?

No, my mother.

Guess who she's insisting
we invite to our wedding.


If only. My brother.

Wait a minute. You didn't invite
your brother to your own wedding?

He tormented me my whole childhood.

I don't think
I should reward that type of behavior

with a slice of wedding cake
in the shape of the Millennium Falcon.

Try again.

A slice of wedding cake
in the shape of a cake.

Look, he may have been mean to you
when you were kids,

but you're both grown men now.

That's right.

I'm a grown-up and if I don't wanna
invite him to my wedding then I won't.

- Okay.
- Except I have to,

'cause my mommy's making me.

Okay, so each welcome bag
gets a schedule of events,

a map, and chocolate from me.

And from Sheldon, a bottle of Purell,

the number for Poison Control,

in case someone
accidentally drinks the Purell,

and a laminated table of elements

because the American school system
is a failure.

How many out-of-town guests
are there gonna be?

I'm actually not sure.

Turns out Sheldon
didn't invite his brother.

Um. Now it's starting
to sound like a wedding.

And his mom said she won't come
if his brother's not there.

Um! Now it's starting to sound
like a good wedding.

Hey, Bernie,

how do you know if someone has pink eye?

Um, their eye would be red, swollen,
and probably oozy.

Okay, thanks.

Both kids have pink eye.

Oh, no.

You stop right there!

I'm getting married in a week.
You are not giving me pink eye.

- I don't have pink eye.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Let's step away from the bride!

Okay. I'll go back upstairs.

Get in the shower and then
take those clothes and burn them.

Yeah, and all the rest of your clothes.

Ah, worth a shot.

So, am I gonna be, like, the only
single guy at Sheldon's wedding?

No, there will be
a lot of single people there.

Stuart, Amy's great-aunt...

Although, Stuart's already friended her
on Facebook so better move quick.

I got to find a date.

I don't wanna be that sad single friend
that everyone looks at with pity.


I'm afraid that ship
may have sailed.

Leonard, you have a brother, right?

- Yes.
- Is he the worst?

Is he an unspeakable abomination?

Does the very thought of him
make your skin crawl?

He laughs at his own jokes,
but otherwise, he's okay.

Sheldon, what's going on?

I'm trying to invite
my stupid brother to my wedding,

and he's avoiding my calls.

You don't know he's avoiding your calls.

Hey, you've reached
George Cooper, please leave a message.

Unless this is Sheldon again,

in which case, please try me
on my other number, 1-800-suck-it.


And I know that's not a real number
because why would it be toll-free?

Sheldon, you tried.
What more could you have done?

Hey, why didn't you invite him
in the first place?

You don't know what it was like
growing up with him.

I get it, I grew up
with lots of brothers.

My brother, Adoot, was especially mean.

Really? I've never heard you
mention Adoot.

Sure I have.

He's the one who left the door open
when we were kids,

and my pet mongoose ran away.

Stupid Adoot!

Look, short of getting on a plane
and flying there,

what does your mother expect you to do?

I kept saying no, how am I here?

Hey, did I tell you? I found a date.

- To the wedding?
- To coffee.

But if things go well,
Sheldon and Amy's wedding.

Aren't you worried it's a little intense

to ask someone you just met
to go to a wedding?

I'm running out of time.

Why can't there be a service

where you can just pay someone
to be your date for the evening?

Like an escort service?

No, no, no.
You wouldn't be paying for sex.

I mean, obviously if things went well
it could lead to sex,

but the money is for like,
you know, her time and companionship.

Oh! I get it.

An escort service.

Stop saying that.

Stop meaning it.

Hey, Raj, remember when you
borrowed my VR goggles the other day?


Probably shouldn't have done that.

So wait, your brother is Dr. Tire?

Yes, and apparently it only takes
half a semester of community college

to get that particular doctorate.

We passed three of these stores
on the way here.

Why did you say
he's just some loser who sells tires?

You're right, that was unfair.

He is a loser who sells more tires
than anyone in Texas.

Oh, excuse me,
we're looking for a Georgie Cooper.

One second, I'll check to see
if the doctor's in.

He is not a doctor.

Only one doctor here and it's me.

I'm also a doctor.

Do you wanna wait in the car?

I wanted to wait in California.

So, is this Georgie?


And what is he even using
that stethoscope to listen to?

I don't know. Small leak?

All right, that makes sense.

What the hell are you doing here?

- Hello, Georgie.
- It's just George now.

Fine, George.

No, I don't like it. Georgie.

I see you haven't changed one bit.

Thank you. That is a nice thing to say.

Hey, I'm Leonard.
I'm here for no reason.

What do you want, Sheldon?

Why aren't you returning my phone calls?

You're supposed to be the smart one,
you figure it out.

He's not that kinda smart.
You might wanna give him a hint.

We haven't talked in over 10 years.

Now that you need something,

you think you can just
show up at my store?

Well, let's just drop everything
to accommodate Sheldon.

Nice try, but I'm not
a gullible little boy anymore.

I can recognize sarcasm.

Okay. You're right.
I'm sorry. Tell me what you need.

Your wish is my command.

That's better. Thank you.

Oh, my God!

Yeah, I got it too.

You really can't keep
your hands off Howard, can you?

I know, I have a problem.

I just wanted to make sure
you and Amy didn't get it.

Well, I didn't get it.

You infected me
a week before my wedding!

What am I supposed to do about this?

Wear a veil?

That's not funny.

Look at what you've done to me!

Hey, could you just, like,
not touch my computer,

or maybe, like, anything else. I just...

Oh! I don't wanna look like that
in your wedding photos.

There aren't gonna be
any wedding photos.

My fiancé's a germophobe.

If he finds out I'm contagious,
he'll never come back from Texas.

What if we tell him
the theme of the wedding is Walking Dead

and this is our zombie makeup?

That'll probably work.
We'll call that plan B.

Well, hmmm...

Turns out this is gonna
come in handy after all.

Hold up. I'm... I'm confused.

You didn't want me at your wedding.

But now that Mom won't come,
you want me there?

I know you don't hear this a lot,
but that is exactly right. Good job.

Not helping, Sheldon.

Listen here.

You want me at your wedding,
all you got to do is ask nicely.

- Georgie...
- George.

I would like you at my wedding.

Thank you, Sheldon.

That is so nice to hear.

But I would rather swallow
a pregnant wildcat

and crap out a litter of kittens!

It is fitting that you got into tires,
because you are tiresome.

Sheldon, come on.

- Was that too mean?
- No, not too mean.

Not too good either.

No, Mother, that's not fair.

But he told...

Yes, ma'am.

But I said...

Yes, ma'am.


What'd she say?

She's not getting in the middle of it,

because we "boys need to
work it out ourselves."

Well, maybe it's fine
if she doesn't come to the wedding.

I've got Amy now,

and she can do everything
a mom can do and more.

Say that to her on the wedding night,
really spice things up.

This is all Georgie's fault.

My whole childhood he was mean to me.

Sorry. I know what it's like
to live with a bully.

Your brother bullied you?

I was talking about Penny, but sure.

Once, when I was eight,

I was going to dress
as my favorite scientist for Halloween,

and Georgie threw my costume away.

I had to wear a sheet and go as a ghost.

Scared myself all night long.

Look, we don't fly out
until the morning.

Why don't I try and talk to him?
Give it one more shot?

All right.

But if he says, "Nerd says what,"
don't answer him.

- What?
- You are a lamb to the slaughter.

So, how was your date?

It was going well
until my eye dripped in her latte.

We're so sorry we ruined your date.

Oh! Boo-hoo!

I mean, his date got ruined.

I'm about to get married and look at me.

Looks like it's getting better.

Oh! Does it? Does it look like that
with your two clear eyes?

I'm sorry, are you mad
that I don't have pink eye?

- What do you think?
- Yes!

Uh-huh. Okay. Okay.
Listen, I hear you.

I know they're pricey,

but these are the Dallas Cowboys
of tires, okay?

And we're talking
the Troy Aikman Cowboys,

not that pretty boy, Tony Romo.

All right, good call.
You won't regret it.


Wow! That was impressive.

Yeah, well, it's easy
when you love your product,

and hate Tony Romo.

Yeah, that guy's...

I'm sorry, I don't know who that guy is.

If you're here about Sheldon's wedding,
don't bother.

Come on, I know
you two have your differences.

You mean pretty much
everything about us?

Well, not everything.

You're both tall,

you have the same last name...

Maybe I shouldn't have started this
like it was a list.

You have no idea
what you are talking about.

Ooh! There, that was very Sheldon.

Look, I'm... I'm sure
he was not the easiest brother to have,

but it wasn't easy for him either
with you picking on him all the time.

Picking on him?
Is that what he told you?

Well, what about the time
you threw away his Halloween costume?

Well, yeah, 'cause he was gonna dress
as some girl scientist.

Madame Curie?

I didn't know she was a madam.

Come on, he was still gonna get beat up
for wearing that dress.

Didn't you sit on his head
while he tried to watch Star Trek?

Well, yeah, but that was hilarious.

That is pretty hilarious.

Look, I mean, uh...

I always looked out for him at school,
I drove him everywhere,

I apologized to people when he was rude.

Yeah. I've done all that.

I've also removed all the red balloons
from his Lucky Charms,

because they weren't "Irish enough."

All right,
so you know what I'm talking about.

And has he ever thanked you?

Not in so many words...

Or any words.

Would it kill him to actually say it?


No, it wouldn't kill him.


You know how I got the money
to open up my first store?

I busted my ass for it,

'cause all the extra money that we had
had to go to Sheldon,

so he could go to college,
and he could go study in Germany.

And do you know
what he's never said to me?

Danke schön?

It's "thank you" in German.

Do you need me to sit on your head?


After all my sacrifices,

guess which kid
my mom is the most proud of.

If it makes you feel any better,

my mom's most proud
of Sheldon too, so...


you want a beer?

Yeah, I would love a beer.

- There you go.
- Thanks. Can you open it for me?

- No. It's a twist-off.
- I know.

Hey, I got all the beads
to the other side.

It's not a puzzle, Penny.

Do you really wanna be touching that?

Do you know how many sick kids...

You know what?
Never mind, knock yourself out.

Bernadette says
they're checking the kids now.

You know,
maybe we didn't all need to come.

Hey, whatever kind of pink eye
their kids have, I have.

And I need to know.
And if it's viral, I'm screwed.

Maybe not.

You know, I know
it's not traditional wedding attire,

but how about a welder's mask?

If you know a welder
that could be your something borrowed.

Great news, it's bacterial.

- Yeah!
- Yes!

- What are you doing? Wash your hands!
- Not you.

Hello, room service.

I'm calling about the club sandwich
on your menu.

No, I don't want one.
I just want you to spell it correctly.

Unless the "club"
is the Poor Typing Club.

Okay. Now let's discuss
this "150%O gratooty."

Well, that was rude.

Someone just lost their gratooty.

Sheldon, you need to apologize
to your brother.

I'm sorry?

Yes, like that but nicer and that way.

- I have nothing to apologize for.
- Huh.

I told you this was a bad idea.

Sometimes you can't patch a tire,
you just got to buy a new one.

Actually, that's always the case.
Never patch, buy new.

While I appreciate
your folksy tire wisdom,

I don't appreciate
what you're putting Mom through.

What would you know about
what Mom's been through?

You were never home.

Yeah. This is good, get it all out.

- Not now.
- Shut up!

You went away to college after Dad died.

Who do you think
took care of everything?

Mom did.
Mom always took care of everything.

Mom was a mess.

Missy was a dumb teenager.
I had to look after both of them.

I talked to Mom all the time.

If she was upset,
she would have told me.

She was protecting you, you idiot,
just like everyone always does.

If things were bad,
then why didn't you tell me?

Because I was protecting you too.

You're my baby brother, Sheldon.

I know life has been hard for you,

but that don't mean
it's been easy for the rest of us.

I suppose I didn't think about
how it was for everyone else.

No, that's all right.

I know you didn't.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

And it would mean a lot to me
to have my big brother at my wedding.

I wouldn't miss it.

Is it me or did we just patch a tire?

He said "never patch."
Do you even listen?

Hey, how's it going?

Really good.

Georgie's going to come to the wedding.

Oh! That's great!

Why aren't you looking at the camera?

You know, I'm just working
on my peripheral vision.

That is nonsense.

Your peripheral vision is fine.

Are those women's magazines making you
feel bad about yourself again?

Yep, that is what's happening.

I have told you before.

Those women are airbrushed,

to make it look like
they have good vision.

Hey, I was thinking,
now that you and your brother made up,

there's no reason to rush home.

Maybe you and Leonard could...

Could stay for...

Two to three more
fun-filled days there.

That's a great idea.

Hey, Leonard, good news.

We do have time to visit
the Museum of the American Railroad.

I'd say no, but what's the point?

You might not wanna get too close.

Pink eye.

Me, too!

- Bacterial?
- Yeah.


I know this is gonna sound crazy,

but would you be interested
in going to a wedding with me?