The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 11, Episode 16 - The Neonatal Nomenclature - full transcript

When Bernadette won't go into labor, the gang try different tactics to get things started. Also, Wolowitz confronts Bernadette after Amy accidentally reveals she's already chosen their son's name.

Howie, wake up.

It's time.

Did your water break?


Are you feeling
any contractions?


Wait. Well,
where are you going?

To the hospital.

Today's my due date,
and this crap needs to end now.

Honey, babies don't
always come on their due date.

Halley was two weeks late.

But this baby's
a boy.

They don't take
as long to get ready.

What are you doing?

I'm making the situation
better with humor.

Are you?

Would you rather me
make it better with magic?

- Go back to sleep.
- Ta-da!

You know, I hear
that sex can induce labor.

Anything for my family.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
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♪ That all started
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♪ Bang! ♪
Season 11 Episode 16

Title "The Neonatal Nomenclature"

I believe today is
Bernadette's due date.


How do you know that?

Easy. 40 weeks from the date
of her last period.

And why do you know that?

Well, excuse me for taking
an interest in people.

So, any day now.

Oh, I don't know.

We went to the doctor
this morning,

and she said it could still
be another week or two.

How's Bernadette holding up?

It's pretty rough.

She's having a hard time.

Why are you smiling?

I had sex twice
last night.

That's not fair!
She's on bed rest.

She can't run away.

It was her idea.

She read that it
can start labor.

Is that true?

I would have Googled it,

but I was busy
taking my pants off.

Yeah, not to brag,
but Amy's last birthday

brought my coital tally
up to four.

Whatever you're doing,
it's not bragging.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey, I was just talking

- about you.
- Oh, should I ask?

You should not.

I'm trying to get
our grant proposal together.

Any chance you've finished up
those mechanical drawings?

Oh, sorry.
I was gonna do it last night,

but I got kind of busy.

Yeah, you did.

What are they talking about?

I'll give
you a hint.

It's something
that we have done four times.

Watched La La Land?

What? No. No.

I've not watched
La La Land four times.

If you find the
soundtrack on my phone,

that's just 'cause
our iTunes accounts are linked.

Looks like I might have
a little more time

before the baby gets here,

so why don't we just stay late
and get it done?

Well, I don't want you
to leave Bernadette alone.

Oh, we can hang out
and keep her company.

- Yeah, absolutely.
- See, see. Look at my Netflix queue.

There's two documentaries

and the movie
Friends with Benefits,

which I thought
was a documentary

about employer
health care plans.

Hey, Bernie, it's me.

I let myself in.


What are you doing?

I thought you were supposed
to be on bed rest.

That's done,
but I've been on stair rest

for the last 45 minutes.

- Here, let me help you.
- Yeah.

If you really want to help,
put on a rubber glove,

reach on up there
and start pulling.

I know you're joking,
but I grew up on a farm.

I'll do it.

Oh, I just want
this to be over.

You know, when
my yoga instructor was pregnant,

she told me
there are tons of poses

that put her right into labor.

I'll try,

but I feel like bendy poses
are what got me into this mess.

Okay, we're gonna start with
some nice breathing exercises.

Sorry. I can't think of anything
except how flat your belly is.

Oh, thank you.

Go put on some more clothes,
you bitch.

Okay, we go down...

and back up.

And back up!

Yeah, hearing you
is not the problem.

Put that phone away!


I'm telling you,
there's an acupressure point

right above your ankle
that can induce contractions.

All right, but
just a warning.

My feet are a little swollen.

Oh, please, Bernadette.

I'm sure this... okay.


Nothing. Your ankles look fine,
and not at all

like I just popped open
a can of crescent rolls.

My mother believes that if
you're not prepared mentally,

it can delay your body
from going into labor.

So what are you trying to say?
It's my fault?

Raj is crazy.

Your ankles aren't that gross.


Let me guess. You're here to
try to get me to go into labor.

Oh, please. I'm disgusted
when people sneeze,

and that's just stuff
coming out of their nose.


I am here to sit with you
and keep you company.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, by playing
the most complicated board game

ever invented
Campaign for North Africa.

I bought it off eBay.

It smells a little like chili,
but all the pieces are there.

Come on, baby.

Get out here right now
and I'll buy you a pony.

Are there any engineers
on the grant committee?

I don't know. Why?

I didn't have time to figure out

the three-input
hydraulic manifold,

so this diagram is really just
a flux capacitor

from Back to the Future.

I'm sorry this is
on such short notice.

Hey, I just wish I could be
there when you present it.

That's okay.

It's more important that
you spend time with Michael.

Who's Michael?

Uh, your son?

No, it's not.

My son doesn't have
a name yet.

Okay, well, then,
Bernadette's son.

I can't believe her.

She knows I don't want
to name the baby after her dad.

- What did you want to name him?
- I don't know.

We were gonna wait until
we saw what he looked like.

Well, it's a baby.

Her dad's
a wrinkly bald man.

That wasn't gonna
break your way.

Ah, come on!

Welcome to the next five to
eight weeks of your life.

Sheldon, I said
I didn't want to play your game.

Well, then don't
think of it as a game.

Think of it
as a source of information

about one of the lesser known
campaigns of World War II.

You're right.

That's so much better.

I know, right?

Okay, first, we need to roll
to determine the weather.

It's a desert.
Isn't it gonna be hot?


Michael? Really, you think
we're naming him Michael?

Not now, Howard.

I'm in the middle of a game.

You wish. You are hundreds
of hours away from the middle.

I can't believe you're trying
to hijack our son's name.


This is as fast
as I move! Calm down!

So you're just gonna
name him Michael?

Were you even
gonna tell me?

I told you.


Oh, right. That was Amy.

What's wrong with Michael?
It's my dad's name.

I don't want to name our son
after your father.

I didn't want to say
this, but he's dying.

He is?

Eventually. I mean, you
see the way the man eats.

Okay, is this the hormones,

or have you always been
a lunatic?

I don't even know

this is our kid's name.

I think
we should both agree.

You're right.
We both made this baby.

Thank you.

And I carried it, had to
stay in bed for four months,

sacrificed my body
and my job,

and soon it's gonna
burst its way out of me

like the Kool-Aid Man.

Exactly. Fifty-fifty.

I think I got
Bernadette in trouble.

Maybe we should go.

I-I can't.

She and I are playing
Campaign for North Africa.

- She doesn't want to play that.
- Hmm?

Neither did the Egyptians,
but that didn't stop Rommel.

Hey! I brought Chinese.

And I brought Indian.

What are you guys
doing here?

Sheldon texted and said

Bernadette wanted us all
to come over.

The game's best with
five to ten players.

Okay, if it's not Michael, then
what do you want to name him?

like Potter or Houdini.

It doesn't bother you that
I have an old boyfriend

named Harry?


How 'bout Al or Max or...

Ted or Kevin?

Same answer.

Hey, Bernadette,
it's your turn.

Penny's air force

is strafing
your supply line in Tobruk.

We're kind of busy.

Oh. 'Kay.
But you're being pretty rude.

Everyone did come over
to play this game with you.

You know, I always thought
Christian was a nice name.

I don't know.

Sounds a little
too uncircumcised.

Bernadette, it's your turn.

What about Greg?

All right,
I'll just roll for you.

Ooh! That is a good one!

Your troops' morale rating
is pretty high.

Now, Leonard,
as the defender,

we need to subtract
your morale rating

from Bernadette's
to get a final

adjusted morale rating
for the assault.

And I will just check
the assault differential column.

Who said war was hell?

Yeah, that's
a rhetorical question.

Sherman said it.

What about Sherman?

Like, Sherman Wolowitz.

Yeah, that's a kid who's gonna
take his mother to prom.

Hey, Howard,
you did that, right?

I didn't take her.
She chaperoned.

We slow-danced once.

What about Paul?

Paul. Paul Wolowitz.

I like it.

Ooh, like "Koothra-paul-i."

Okay, you ruined it.

All right, that moves us on
to the tactical shipping phase.

Penny, I believe,
as logistics commander, that's you.

Okay. I surrender.

Nice try, Penny.

It takes more
than everybody not enjoying it

to stop a game
with Sheldon Cooper.

Sheldon, we're talking
about something important here.


If you pick a baby name,
can we get back to playing?

- Sure.
- All right, here we go.


You can't name him Ranatanata.

Oh, right, it's a boy.
That'd be ridiculous.

What about Ozymandias?

Are you making these up
or having a stroke?

Ozymandias is from a poem
by Percy Bysshe Shelley.

Oh, oh! Bysshe Wolowitz.

Solved. Back to the game.

Heyo! Sandstorm!

Some people name their
kids after places.

Like what, Walla
Walla Wolowitz?

If you think that is better
than Ozymandias Wolowitz,

then you have been breathing in
the poisonous gas

that my troops
illegally dispersed.


You okay?

Uh, I think that was
a contraction.

Is it time? Do we need
to go to the hospital?

No. We've been
through this before.

My water
hasn't even broken yet.

Never mind your water.

Has your mucus plug
popped out?

Ew, no!

Oh, you're right.
We probably would've heard that.

It's not a champagne cork.

Although that
would be festive.

You know what,
maybe we should go.

Did you have
another contraction?

No. I'm just worried
that Sheldon's gonna say

"mucus plug" again.

And I'm worried
one's gonna hit me in the eye.

Yep, it's time.

Should we take
two cars?

Uh, actually, could you
stay here and watch Halley?

That way we don't have to wait
for Bernadette's parents.

Yeah, you guys go.
We'll take care of her.

You have nothing
to worry about.

Well, not nothing.
There are U-boats approaching

the Suez Canal.

It's too late for us.
Go, go!

Save yourselves!

Suez? Birth?
It's a big night for canals.

How you feeling?


But I am really excited
to meet our son.

Me, too. I thought
I'd be super freaked out.

But I'm ready for this.

Well, not the part
where you're in labor

and you squeeze my fingers
till they turn blue.

I'm sorry.

That must be
really painful for you.

It is.

I mean, last time, I...

I see what you're doing.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

It's a big one.

Just breathe.


Okay, I'm good.

I'm sorry I tried
to sneak the name past you.

That's okay.

I'm sorry I used up
so many good names in college.

I was really competitive
with my roommate.

Forget about it.


You know what,

maybe we're putting
too much pressure on this.

It doesn't matter
what we name him.

He's gonna be amazing.

You're right.

This kid is part you
and part me.

Yeah. He's gonna be smart
and kind and funny.

If he cracks five-foot-six,
it'll be a miracle.

I've always liked
the name Elliott.

Sorry, can't have it.
That's my boy name.

I said it first.

It's not like calling dibs.

Yes, it is.
It's exactly like that.

Dibs on Elliott.

I-I-I'm just saying,
we might get there first.

You only have sex
once a year.

I'll probably
have sex tonight.

Fine, you can have Elliott.

When did you pick out
our kids' names?

Remember that day
you moved into the building?


A non-creepy amount of time
after that.

Yeah, I like the name Elliott.

That wasn't on my
list, but I like it.

We've heard your names.
They're ridiculous.

And I have a cousin named Dilip.

Well, I wasn't going to give
them any of the good names.

I'm saving those for us.

Really? You've thought
about our kids?

Of course. I think you and I
will have exceptional children.


Well, I think so, too.

How many kids do you guys want?

- Two.
- 15.

- What?
- Don't worry.

I don't expect you
to bear them all.

I'm sure we can find a
suitable uterus to rent.

- No!
- Uh-uh!

We weren't thinking
about you.

Of course not.

I am going to
the kitchen.

Can I get anybody anything?

Penny, nice glass of milk

and a multivitamin?


Guys, wake up.

Terrible news.

Oh, my God.
What, what, what?

Is it the baby?

No. No, no,
we miscalculated

our unassigned
armor class units.

We need to start over.


Oh, no, no, no,
not from the beginning.

Just from when the tanks
started moving.

That was five hours ago.

Mm, no.
No, that was two hours ago.

It only feels like five.

What time is it?

It's almost 230.

Don't you think
we should've heard something?

I'm sure they're fine.

I'm calling them.


Hey, everything okay?

Yeah! The baby was born
about an hour ago.

Dude, why
didn't you call me?!

The only way I would
see my son for the first time

and immediately think
"I need to call Raj"

is if he came out brown.

You know, it can take some time
for pigment to form.

You're still not
out of the woods.

- Congratulations! Yeah.
- Hey, what'd you name him?

Neil Michael.

Neil for Armstrong,

Gaiman, and Diamond.

Michael because Bernie
had to get six stitches.

Neil... that's cute.

But we're calling him Michael!

I'm not gonna fight her.

That kid's head was the size
of a cantaloupe.

Sync corrections by srjanapala