The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 11, Episode 15 - Episode #11.15 - full transcript

Previously on
The Big Bang Theory...

So, Leonard, tell
everyone your news.

I am starting a book.

That would be big news
from Penny,

but you've read a book before.

He means he's writing a book.

I do. It's something I've been
thinking about for a long time.

Yeah. It's about
a brilliant physicist

who solves crimes using science.


It's not about you!

Boy. What?

They cast the new
Professor Proton.

Is it Sheldon? Not exactly.


It's Wil Wheaton.

Hey, what are you doing?

I thought we were having
dinner at Leonard and Penny's.


No, they're watching
the new Professor Proton.

II can't keep Wil Wheaton
off the Internet,

but I can keep him
off my retinas.

So, you're just gonna sit here
by yourself and do nothing?

Of course not.

I'm going to write mean comments
about Wil's show online.

Well, you can't criticize
something you haven't seen.

I'm sorry, are you familiar
with the Internet?

Well, what if
I watch it with you?

Maybe I won't like it and we
can complain about it together.

Get your own thing
to complain about.

Trust me, I've got one.

Look, at least if you watch it,

maybe you can find more
specific things to criticize.

That is a good point.

Criticisms are more hurtful
when they're specific.

Hey, everybody.
I'm Professor Proton.

Welcome to the show.
Today I will be teaching you

how to make a real hovercraft
using common household items.

Darn it, I do like
objects that hover.

All you will need is a CD,

a bottle cap, a balloon,
and some super glue.

No! I have all those things!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

- Hey.
- Hi.

What's that noise?

It's my new keyboard.

It looks and sounds like
an oldfashioned typewriter.

It makes me feel
like a real novelist.

You poured yourself a Scotch.

Apple juice.

But unsweetened,

like Hemingway used to drink.

- So, how's the book coming along?
- Good.

I just wrote the part
where the hero,

hotshot physicist Logan Dean,
arrives at CERN.

Is he based on you?

Kind of.
But he can eat dairy products

without having
to leave the room.

Yeah, that's smart, because
CERN is in Switzerland

and there's a lot of cheese there.

Believe me,
that is a plot point later.

Well, I'm excited to read
it whenever you're ready.

Thank you.

I just thought
of the murder weapon!

Swiss army knife?


That's way better.

Look, it works! We did it!

See, there was a reason
to keep that TurboTax CD.


More like "CDvroom."

Do you feel bad
you told Wil Wheaton

that you'd be his enemy
if he did this show?

No. I feel bad

I'm engaged to somebody
that would point that out.

It's time for Professor Proton's

science joke of the day.

Why can you not trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

That's funny!

Yeah, because they do.
They make up everything.

I wonder who that could be.

Just when I thought this
couldn't get any better,

Wil has introduced
suspense into the show.

Hey, it's real NASA
astronaut, Howard Wolowitz!


Hey, Professor Proton.

Hey, thanks for being here.

No problem.
I'm on my "launch" break.

How could Wil ask Howard to
be on his show and not me?

Well, he is an astronaut.

And he didn't start an online
petition to get Wil fired.

But why wouldn't Howard tell me?

Well, because
he probably worried

that you'd be
a big baby about it.

All those answers
make a lot of sense.

Thank you, Amy. That helps.

And then, when the lights
come back on

in the supercollider room,
Dr. Logan Dean makes

a gluino

and murder.

Gluino. That's exciting.

And murder.

I heard you.

The first time.

I don't know which Hemsworth
is playing Logan Dean,

but I know it's a Hemsworth.

Well, Logan's
actually based on me.

So a young Paul Giamatti.

Well, I have to
finish writing it

before they can make it
into a movie,

and I still have a few things
to figure out.

You should talk to Bernadette.

Since she's been on
bed rest, she's binged,

like, every detective
show in the world.

There was a funny detective
show in India called Karamchand.

He had an assistant named Kitty,

and he was always saying,
"Shut up, Kitty!"

Sounds less mean if
you say it in Hindi

and don't think of women
as having feelings.


- Hey. - Hey.
- Hi.

Howard, I want you to know
that I forgive you.

I'll take it.

What's he forgiving you for?

Don't care. Clean slate.
Happy Yom Kippur to me.

I know that you were
on Wil's show,

and I know
why you didn't tell me.

Do you?

Because you were afraid

that I would be difficult
and annoying about it.

I hope your book has a twist

as surprising as that.

It doesn't.

I thought you were
boycotting Wil's show.

I was, but I decided
to give it a shot,

and I actually enjoyed it.

Just out of curiosity, how did
you come to be on the show?

Did he ask you? Did you ask him?

Did you just show up on the set
and ring that doorbell?

Sheldon, if you want
to be on the show,

you're gonna have to
apologize to Wil.

That would be
the mature thing to do.

Let's put a pin in that
and keep thinking.


What? What? Which part?

That was just the baby kicking.

Got it.

- But this is good so far, really good.
- Yeah?

Yeah. I have no idea
who the killer is.

Great. Me, neither.

So, does Penny know
you based a character on her?

What character?

Ilsa, the head of the institute.
That's clearly Penny.

No, it's not.


Confident, ballbusting beauty

who's always
rolling her eyes at Logan?

Trust me, that describes
more women than you think.

"He looked at the stunning woman
who was his boss and said..."

It's murder.

Figure that out yourself,

Okay, no need to be snarky.

Who would want to kill him?

Could be anyone. Dr. Silvers.

Dr. Prekash.

Hans the janitor.

But the door is locked,

so it has to be someone
in this room.

Wow, you are on fire.

Maybe it is a little like Penny.

Any chance she'll be flattered?

I don't know. She's pretty mean.

Ilsa or Penny?


Hey, Howard. What's up?

I'm so sorry.

What for?


Hello, Sheldon.

I suppose you've come here
to tell me

that you've moved me to your
super secret enemies list.

I don't have
a super secret enemies list.

I'm not a Bond villain.

I'm just a regular guy,

with a regular enemies list.

Which, by the way,
you are no longer on.

Really? Well, that is something.

It's not something that I care
about, but it is something.

He's trying to say he's sorry.

I am.

I watched your show,
and it's really good.

Aw, thank you.

And I regret
how hard I was on you.

I want you to know

that being on
the Professor Proton show

has been a childhood dream
of mine.

So, if you're ever looking

for any more scientist guests,
I hope you'll consider me.

I appreciate that, Sheldon,
and I'll keep it in mind.

You know, actually...


No. No. I want to have

more female scientists
represented on the show,

and I thought maybe Amy
might be interested?


wouldn't it be nice

to have us both on, to show that

even female scientists
can land a man?

I said "sorry."

So, what do you think?

I like it. I can't wait
to see who the killer is.

Is it that Ilsa girl?
She seems pretty mean.

But adorably mean,

like a baby lion?

No, regular mean,
like a regular lion.

But it seems pretty accurate,
considering who you based it on.

And who do you think that is?

But the door is locked,

so it has to be someone
in this room.

Wow. You are on fire.


Bernadette. Yeah, sure.

Each one of you had a motive.

Who died and made you detective?

He did.

I think you're neglecting
your own motive,

a massive inferiority complex.

It's not massive.

It's just averagesized.

I don't mean to interrupt,
but somebody's tracking

blood everywhere, so...
Never mind, it's me.

You say we're all suspects.

How do we know
you're not the killer?

I have an alibi.

Yeah. He's not smart enough to
pull off a murder like this.

Blonde, mean, glasses.

It doesn't say "glasses."

But it will, because Ilsa does.

And you know
who else wears them?


Andand that's her, cause it's,

it's totally, it's totally her.

Amy. Good, you're here.

Hi. What's up?

How would you like to be
on television?

Is it gonna be a news story

where I have to say you were
quiet and kept to yourself

and I'm as shocked as anyone?

No, it's not.

Wil Wheaton wants you to be
on Professor Proton.

That's nice, but I'm not
really interested.

What do you mean?

But he wants to talk
about women in science.

You're a woman, you're in
science. You go, girl.

I'm all for promoting women
in science,

but I don't really want to be
on Wil's show.

Is it because kids may be there,

and they're known carriers
of head lice? I get that.

Sure, that's the reason.

Wait a minute.

You're always bragging that lice
aren't attracted to you

because your scalp is so oily.

That was on your dating profile.

Okay, look,

I know you have strong feelings
about Professor Proton,

and I don't want to get
in the middle of that.

So you're not
going to do something

just because you think
it might upset me?

Well, it's tricky,

because answering that
question honestly

is one of the things I tend
not to do because it upsets you.

Well, that's very upsetting.

Like I said.

What other things
don't you do because of me?

Remember last week when we went

to that dueling piano bar
I was so excited about?


Well, now you're getting it.

Boy, I don't know how people
who aren't on bed rest

keep up with the Kardashians.

Well, sometimes
you have to read in your car

while your husband thinks
you're working late.

Speaking of which, he came by
yesterday to show me his book.

Andand what did you think?

I liked it.

Really? The Ilsa character
didn't bother you?

He was exaggerating.
You're not really like that.

Well, I know I'm not like that.

The character was based on you.

I don't know what to tell you.

When I brought it up with
Leonard, he said it was you.

Well, when I
brought it up, he...

got all squirrelly
and left the room.

Son of a bitch.

I just learned
some very distressing news.

Sometimes, Amy doesn't do things

because she's worried about
how I'll react.

First of all, it's not
sometimes, it's always.

Second, it's not
Amy, it's everybody.

And third, it's not news,
it's wellestablished.

Yeah. Like just now I
wanted to get a croissant,

but I didn't want to hear
you say, "Ooh, la, la."

So you're saying
everyone walks on eggshells

to spare my feelings?

No, of course not,
because we don't want

to hear you complain about
how much you hate the sound

of crunching eggshells.

I don't want my relationship
with Amy to be like that.

Sheldon, Amy knew
what she was getting into.

You think?

Yes, we warned her.

Well, regardless, I can change.

Sure. Yeah, of course you can.

You know, everybody thinks
I'm so predictable.

Well, tomorrow I'm gonna
show up at work

and do something
no one will expect.

Where a baseball cap backwards
to prove your point?

Yes, but which hat?


Well, now that you guessed it,
I'm not gonna do it.

Yeah, you will.


Looks like the bullet
went right through you.

Damn it, Logan.
When are you gonna stop?

Sorry. I didn't get my PhD
in quitting.

You're a physicist. What makes
you think you can solve a crime?

He's losing a lot of blood.

Great. I'm gonna
have to clean that up.

You know what?
A little soda water

might get that right out.

- We got to find some bandages.
- No.

There's no time.

Does it hurt?

Everything you do hurts.

Then why do you keep
coming back for more?


So this is what you think of me?

I'm mean and
everything I do hurts you?

What are you talking about?

I know I'm Ilsa.

Wha...? That is crazy.

Youyou two are
totally different.


Well, you... She...

Her name's Ilsa.

You know what?

It's fine. Write
whatever you want.

And by the way, Logan Dean can
tell everyone he's fiveeight,

but he's not fooling anybody!

Are you sure that's the move
you want to make?




I did not see that coming.

That's well played, Amy.

What's going on?

You beat me, and I am responding
with humility and admiration.

What does it look like?

You let me win
so you could show me

how emotionally mature you are,
didn't you?

Well, I couldn't wait for you
to actually beat me;

That would take forever.

I'm sorry. It's...

I'm trying to show you

that I can change.

II don't want you to miss out
on things because of me.

I know you don't.

You know,
and maybe somewhere out there,

there is a little girl
who will see you on Wil's show

and realize that she, too,
can grow up

to be a brilliant, amazing,

successful scientist.

Thank you.

Who is really terrible at chess.

Got it.

No, no, no. I mean really bad.

What was your queen doing
over there, going shopping?

I mean, II didn't intend
to write about Penny,

but I guess maybe
subconsciously I did.

I believe you mean
"unconsciously," dear.

Yeah, sure.
You know, it would be nice

if you didn't correct me
all the time.

It would be nice
if I didn't have to.

Maybe this book of yours
is a bad idea.

What do you mean?

Well, you're a physicist.

What makes you think
you can write a book?

You're a physicist.

What makes you think
you can solve a crime?

Got to go.

I think you mean "have..."

Penny, good news.

It's not you. What?

Ilsa. It's not you.
It's my mother.

I've been writing
about my mother!

I think you're neglecting
your own motive,

a massive inferiority complex.

It's not massive.

It's just averagesized.

We got to find some bandages.

There's no time.

Does it hurt?

Everything you do hurts.

Then why do you keep
coming back for more?

Maybe you like it.

I... MMaybe I do.

Well, that is
our show for today.

And I want to say
a very special thank you

to Dr. Amy Fowler
for being here.

It was a real pleasure
having you.

And you can feel that pleasure

because you don't have a lesion
in your nucleus accumbens.

I really hope I don't.

All right,
we'll see you next time!


You were glowing.

Oily scalp.

I'm so proud of you.

And I'm proud of you.

Because you can't
tell how jealous I am?

No, no, no. I can.

But I can tell how hard
you're trying to keep it in.

Really hard.

I'm gonna go to bed.

All right, I'm gonna
go scream on the roof.

- Love you.
- Love you.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

A simile directly compares
two things,

"using the words “like” and “as”"

"“I slept like a log”"

"“I'm hungry as a horse”"

“Your love is like
bad medicine.”


That's Bon Jovi.