The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 11, Episode 17 - The Athenaeum Allocation - full transcript

Leonard jumps through hoops to help secure the perfect wedding venue for Sheldon and Amy. Also, Bernadette and Wolowitz have a hard time deciding who should stay at home with the kids and who should go back to work.

Oh, my God, I can't believe how big Halley's getting.
Yeah... where's Howard?
He's changing Michael.
A-All done. You know, fun fact,
did you know baby boys can pee straight up?
Grown-up boys, too.
Why would we high-five that?
So how are you guys?
BERNADETTE: Really good.
Except for when we went grocery shopping,
and the checkout lady asked when I was due.
But you handled it well.
Well, if you guys need help, I'd be happy to come over.
Oh, thanks, but we're really trying to enjoy this family time
before we both go back to work.
Okay, well, we all miss you.
You guys, too. Bye.
(Skype call ends) Ah.
Boy, seeing them all together like that
has got my biological clock ticking like crazy.
Yeah, I don't think men have...
I do.
Hi. SHELDON: Hello.
Hey, guys. Hey.
Good news, we have save the date cards.
Huh, didn't go with my calligrapher. Interesting.
What is this picture?
Oh, it's an MRI of our brains photoshopped
to look like they're kissing.
Is it too sexy?
It's too something.
Guys, May 12, that's exciting.
I know. Do you guys have
a location yet? 'Cause you don't have a lot of time.
Hey, it took us nine months to pick a date,
and a week to decide if brains can have lips on them,
so get in the boat and row.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
♪ The Big Bang Theory 11x17 ♪ The Athenaeum Allocation Original Air Date on March 8, 2018
== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man
(whispering): Michael's out.
So is Halley.
Oh, my God, he's so cute.
So is she.
Oh, my God, he's so cute.
So is she.
I just love them so much.
Me, too.
My heart feels like it's gonna explode.
Of course, it's full of brisket, so it probably will.
Oh, I didn't even know I was capable
of loving someone so much.
More than me?
Wha... oh, uh...
I'm just messing with you.
I totally love them more than you.
I get that.
I would take a bullet for them.
But I would get seriously mutilated for you.
That's sweet.
But you should know, if you got seriously mutilated,
I might dump you.
You'd be crazy not to.
Even unmutilated, I'm no prize.
You know, I'm really happy with our wedding date.
The month squared equals the square of the sum of the members
of the set of prime factors of the day.
Isn't that romantic?
Yes, it's like that Shakespeare sonnet,
“Shall I compare thee to a day
that's also a really weird math problem.”
It's a shame you're joking.
That'd be a lovely reading at our ceremony.
Well, we only have two months to find a venue,
and I had a thought.
What about the Athenaeum club at Caltech?
(gasps) Albert Einstein was a member there.
It's beautiful. Yeah,
and Albert Einstein was a member there.
It's close.
And Albert Einstein was a member there.
And Albert Einstein was a member there.
Now you sound like a woman who wants to get married.
So you're interested?
Oh, of course.
Yeah, but that club is extremely exclusive.
You know, Leonard's been trying to get us in there for years,
but no luck.
Well, that's odd.
When I called, they said they'd be excited to give us a tour.
Well, I suppose we can give it a look,
and if it doesn't work out, I hear that there is
a nearby Chinese restaurant that Einstein used to frequent.
Or, we pick a place we like,
and don't worry about Einstein.
Boy, reality TV is right; brides are crazy.
So, how has it been, being home with two kids?
Oh, tiring, but super rewarding.
Oh, like Pilates, yeah, got it.
Honestly, it's gonna be hard when we both go back to work.
I've been thinking maybe it would be better
if one of us decided to stay home.
I don't know, I was raised by servants, and look at me.
I literally can't tell
if you think that's good or bad.
Well, on one hand, they filled my tub with scented oils
and brought me honeyed sweets; on the other hand,
I spent my twenties incapable of talking to women.
So you know, pros and cons.
Here's my dilemma:
I... (sighs) kind of want to stay home.
But Bernadette is a way better parent than I am.
Wait, does Bernadette want to stay home?
I don't know. She's really invested in her career,
and she's doing great.
I think it should be me.
Wow, I admire you, Howard.
I-It would be hard for me
to buck traditional gender roles like that.
Didn't you see Taylor Swift twice this month?
Yeah, because she's hot, not because she sings my truth.
Did Albert Einstein ever sit in any of these chairs?
I think these are fairly new.
But Stephen Hawking's eaten here a lot.
Yeah, but he brings his own chair, you know?
Well, it seems kind of perfect,
and it's close enough to your office,
so you can use the bathroom you like.
Mm. I put a sticker over the auto-flush,
so it doesn't startle me.
Here's my card. Why don't you two talk it over,
and I will check to see if our soup spoons
are “deeper than they are wide”"
What? Too deep is a ladle, not a spoon.
I really like it.
Mm. Oh, I must admit, I do, as well.
I... look at how somber all the men in these portraits are.
I feel like that sets a good tone for our wedding.
Is that Leonard?
Oh, no, no, these are all dead, accomplished scientists.
Leonard will only ever be one of those things.
I mean, Leonard and Penny are right there.
But he told me he checked on our membership just last week,
and we were still 400th in line.
I'm sure there's an innocent explanation
that won't ruin my day at all.
- Oh, hey. - Hey.
How did you get in here?
What do you mean? Leonard's a member.
You told me it was incredibly exclusive.
Y-Yeah, look, about that, I lied.
Hey, wait, you told me it was exclusive, too.
I avoided him and impressed you, all with the same lie.
Damn, Hofstadter, didn't think you had it in you.
Well, I'm not sure I know how I feel about this place now.
Then don't turn around.
Oh, good, you're here.
There's... (clears throat) something
I want to talk to you about.
We're not putting a TV in the bathroom.
That's how you get hemorrhoids.
No, this is important.
Uh, I was thinking maybe one of us should
stay home full-time, with the kids.
Oh great, so I have to give up my job
and everything I've worked for?
Actually, I was thinking I should stay home.
Oh, so I have to abandon my children and go back to work,
while you get to stay home and bond with them?
You just said you didn't want to.
No, I don't want to have to, but if I want to, I should get to.
Do you want to?
Maybe I do.
What if I also want to?
Well, I don't know, we can't
both stay home.
Don't you think you should go back to work,
because you make more money?
Don't you think you should make more money?
I think it's pretty sexist of you to say
a dad can't stay home with his children.
You know what else is sexist, the phrase “suck it,”
yet, here we are.
I can't believe Leonard lied to me.
(stammers) What are we gonna find out next,
that he's not really lactose intolerant, hmm?
He's just friends with an invisible trumpet player?
I know you're upset, but if we want to book the Athenaeum,
we really should do it now, and then, I promise,
we'll have our whole lives to complain about Leonard.
Aw, somebody got a head start on her vows.
So do we agree?
Do we want to get married there?
I don't know.
I mean, Einstein was a member.
I like that.
You know? But...
Leonard's a member, and that really steams my clams.
Oh, I love it when you're folksy.
I'm just gonna call.
On the other hand, shaming Leonard during our wedding
at the very place he betrayed me
does have a beautiful symmetry to it.
That's nice, it'll be your first petty act as a married man.
Uh... oh, hi, Kathleen?
Yeah, this is Amy from earlier.
I'd like to go ahead and reserve May 12.
Although, it is our wedding.
I... maybe it shouldn't be all about revenge.
Oh, I see.
Okay, t-thanks.
Someone booked our date.
Uh... What?
Well, well, well.
This is a pickle.
Yes, so,
if you will just move your birthday party
to a different location, everything will be fine.
Ugh, i-it's tricky.
I don't want to move my party,
but I also don't want to help you...
oh, wait, I don't have a problem.
No. I do.
Yeah, you do.
Hey, where you been?
Oh, nowhere special.
Just the park, the farmer's market,
then we hopped on the Gold Line to Chinatown
because it's important for the kids
to experience other cultures.
What have you been doing?
It's 8:00 a.m. Sleeping.
Oh. So are the kids.
I guess they take after you.
You're just trying to prove that you'd do a better job than me.
You're pretty sharp having just woken up.
Howard, we both know you can't keep up this pace.
By this afternoon you're gonna be passed out on the couch
and I'm gonna have three exhausted babies to deal with.
Not true. I got this.
You know, in fact, why don't you take the day off?
Mm, fine. Maybe I'll have lunch with Penny.
Take your time.
Get a massage.
You deserve it after all the sleep you've been getting.
Maybe Barry will change his mind.
Hmm? Oh, I doubt it.
I said some pretty unprofessional things
about his work.
I may have even used the “S” word.
I'm not proud of it, Amy, but I have a temper.
Well, I suppose we could pick a different date.
Well, it took you nine months to choose that one.
I'll pick a different husband first.
(knocking at door)
Hey, I-I just, I wanted to apologize about the Athenaeum.
Why did you lie to me?
I don't know.
It just seemed funny at first
and then the longer it went on, funnier it got.
So, yeah, I guess that's why.
That's not much of an apology.
Yeah, because he's not really sorry.
Obviously, he wanted a place to go where I wouldn't be
and apparently all of outside wasn't enough for him.
Come on. I-I do feel bad.
Why? Did your best friend hurt your feelings?
Come on... Sheldon.
Look, I only have time to deal with one jerk right now
and that's Barry Kripke. What?
He has the Athenaeum booked for our wedding date
and he won't give it up.
Yeah, so if you could just please leave before I get angry
and say something I will regret about your face, your height,
your personal hygiene or the fact that your science,
while serviceable, lacks panache.
That's actually one of the nicest things
you've ever said about my work.
And now I regret it.
Hey. There you are.
Yeah, I just wanted to stop in and see my office
before we went to lunch.
Just a few more weeks, you'll be back full-time, huh?
Uh-oh. That wasn't a happy “yeah.”
That was a “Hey, Leonard, do you want to go to the gym?” yeah.
I've just been thinking that maybe I'd rather
stay home with the kids and be a mom.
Wow. That's big.
I know.
Dr. Rostenkowski.
I'm sorry, I didn't know you were back.
Oh, I'm not.
I just came to meet Penny for lunch.
Is there anything I can get you? Coffee? Water?
No, I think we're just gonna... Coffee sounds good.
Cold brew, almond milk? Perfect.
Nothing-nothing for me. (clears throat)
It's weird.
I've been away so long I don't miss any of this.
(intercom buzzes)
JESS: Sorry to bother you.
Dr. Lee heard you were here and had a quick question.
Fine. Put him on.
Jerold, what's going on?
Hope you're not screwing up my research.
You calling from a bike ride?
'Cause you're backpedaling hard.
All right, fine. E-mail it over. I'll take a look.
(clears throat)
Oh, sorry. Where were we?
Love your kids. Don't miss your job.
Right, right.
There's nothing in the world
like holding your sleeping baby,
knowing you make him feel safe and then...
Oh, good, you got the little cookies I like.
I wouldn't mind a cookie.
And he's gone. Okay.
(knock on door)
Hey, Kripke.
Hello, Hofstadter.
Why are you cleaning that out yourself?
Don't you have grad students?
Come on, I can't make my grad students do every dirty job
or so I've been told in writing by the head of Human Resources.
Fair enough. Uh, so, look,
I'm here to ask you to give Sheldon and Amy
the Athenaeum for their wedding.
Why would I do that?
Because deep down, Barry, you're a really good guy.
But am I?
Fine. What's it gonna take?
Barry, I've come to ask one more...
Wh-Why are you doing that?
Because deep down Barry is not a good guy.
He's making you clean out barrels of irradiated grease?
I made a deal with him
to get you the Athenaeum for your wedding.
Why would you do that?
(sighs) Because I was a jerk for lying to you before
and besides, you're my best friend.
I want you to have the wedding of your dreams.
On Mars?
Okay, I want Amy to have the wedding of her dreams.
Well, thank you.
But I don't want you to do this.
No, it's okay.
No, it's not.
We're not going to let Barry win.
Well, what are we going to do?
We have a combined IQ of 360.
Perhaps more if that radiation gave you a super brain.
You know what? You're right.
If we work together we could totally outsmart Barry Kripke.
Leonard, my nose itches. What do I do?
Oh, boy.
I really passed out hard.
Yeah, tell me about it.
The kids could've screamed bloody murder
and you wouldn't have woken up.
Which I know because they did.
I'm sorry.
Why did I think I could do this on my own?
Hey, don't beat yourself up.
Parenting is hard.
Like, I've seen and smelled things today
that I cannot unsee or unsmell.
Thanks for covering for me.
No, I mean he only drinks milk.
Like, where are the colors coming from?
What time is it?
Uh, it's almost 6:00.
Okay. Bernadette's gonna be home soon.
We got to divide and conquer.
I'll make dinner. You watch the kids.
Uh, kids are asleep.
Great, then you make dinner.
Hey, good news, Amy.
We got the Athenaeum.
Oh, my gosh.
That's amazing.
How'd you get Barry to change his mind?
Well, I couldn't have done it without Leonard.
Boy, you should've seen us in there.
We were like Batman and Robin.
Why do I have to be Robin?
If you have to ask, you're Robin.
What happened?
Well, we scrubbed out some barrels of irradiated grease,
rinsed off in a safety shower
and then told Barry Kripke what is what.
And he just gave in?
Well, we agreed to invite him to the wedding.
Okay. No problem.
- And he gets to bring a date. - Yeah.
Well, that's reasonable.
A-And if she charges by the hour, we have to cover it.
What else did you agree to?
Well, um, you know how Barry has the voice of an angel?
He is not singing at our wedding.
(stammers) He only wants to sing “Volare.”
Oh, “Volare”.
That's what he was saying.
Boy, I didn't, I did not get that.
Guys, I appreciate everything you did,
but we can find another location that's just as good.
Maybe the Japanese garden or the planetarium.
(gasps) The planetarium.
I hadn't thought about that.
That's even better.
LEONARD: Wait, what?
I scrubbed sludge for you.
(stammers) I may be slightly radioactive.
Oh, you're exaggerating.
Don't let him touch the silverware.
Why is Raj asleep on our couch?
Oh. I needed some help so he came by,
played with the kids, read them some stories,
put them down for their nap and made dinner.
What'd you do?
Ate dinner.
Okay, look, I don't think I'm cut out
to be a stay-at-home dad.
And since you want to, you should stay home.
I-I do definitely want to,
but I know how much this means to you and it was just one day.
So, don't give up.
You don't want to stay home, either.
Do you?
When I went by the office they gave me
coffee and cookies and no one peed on me.
I miss that so much.
Well, I love the kids, but I also love my job.
(laughing): And sleep.
I know. I took a two-hour nap on the couch in my office.
I took a three-hour nap on the floor in the living room.
How do you feel now?
Honestly? Still tired.
Me, too.
I love you.
I love you, too.
And we'll figure this all out.
Everyone's asleep.
You want to head upstairs and... (giggles) know.
Let's just do it right here.
Oh, oh, I like the way you think.
== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man